Allardyce the Destroyer Expounds Entropy

God the guy is an arrogant son of a northern lass. Talking to the Telegraph, Doctor Evil doesn't hold back when boasting about his own brilliance and offers no hope to the purists in the West Ham ranks when he insists that to be successful, you have to destroy before you create. The Darth Vader of the Football Academy explained:

“We were known as one of the teams for the purists,” Allardyce explains. “Then, with about seven games to go, Ian told us to forget about the football that we had tried for two years. He told us to get the ball in the channels and squeeze it up there."


“It’s a lesson you have to learn. Great teams always know how to play any way. Manchester United and Chelsea never play the same way and Arsenal probably do - that’s probably why they have won nothing for six years.

“You get caught up in the perception of how these teams play. They are the best destructive teams as well as the most creative. That’s why they win all the time, as they destroy then outplay you.”

So there you have it! The game plan in claret and blue print! Of course, what Sam doesn't say is that Chelsea and Man Utd have the flair players to play "another way". Sure they grind out some results, but 80% of the time, they thrill their fans. That hasn't been the case with Allardyce teams has it? Look at how much more adventurous Blackburn became after his departure.

I'm not moaning here. If Doctor Evil gets us out of the Championship as he promises, then he can do it how ever he likes - especially if we go up as Champions. But if his confidence is misplaced, I can see trouble ahead. Come November, if we are in eighth or ninth and playing Doctor Evil football, the fans will be desperate for an Austin Powers style saviour. Terry Venables is still wearing shirts he bought in the sixties isn't he?

(PS The blog may be quiet for a few days as I am away. Apologies for the pause in drivel!)

Can we get excited now?

Bloody hell. It's all very well winning at Dagenham and Redbridge but beating Real Zaragoza suggests Doctor Evil may have drilled a winning mentality into his troops. That is now four clean sheets in a row and, just as importantly, we also managed two goals in the game. Taylor is off the mark and Sears looks as if he has rediscovered his confidence in front of goal!

What other positives were there? An assist for Barerra, and for Parker - and they are few and far between as readers of this blog know. Reid looks as if he has grown up over the summer and he and Tomkins looks a more than half decent centre back pairing. Then there is J Lloyd Samuel who looks as if he is on the point of joining and O'Brien looking decent too, as does Spence. Then there is Taylor striking the post from a free kick - another problem area solved already.

Amazingly, we dominated the game against a side that finished 13th in Spain's top division. OK it is only a friendly. OK we are further forward in our preparation but still...if we can carry this form into next weekend, Cardiff shouldn't present too much of a problem. Just think, Piquionne, Cole and Nolan might start scoring soon!

It's the Final Countdown!

One week away and a heavyweight friendly today, the season is almost upon us. It sounds from the OS as if Big Sam is being told the team to pick. The money men assure us that Parker, Cole, Green, Nolan and Barerra will all feature - and so they should!

If things stay as they are, we should be strong enough to storm the division. I guess my starting 11 for Cardiff would read like this:

Green

Faubert, Tomkins, Reid, Ilunga

Parker

Barerra        Noble         Taylor

Nolan

Cole

The frightening thing about that team is that there is no place for Collison! We would still have a bench reading: Stech, Spence, Collison, Piquionne & Sears! And then, of course, Faye, Stanislas and an exciting crop of kids in reserve. And Hines and O'Brien.

That should be enough to storm the division surely?

How slowly can you swoop exactly?

According to the Daily and Sunday Express, we have "swooped" for Joey O'Brien which, given the guy has been on trial for a couple of weeks, begs the question, how slowly can you swoop exactly? Hawks swoop down onto voles, bats swoop to catch moths and house martins swoop for fun.

The dictionary definition of "swoop" is "To move in a sudden speed" so if we "swooped" on Joey O'Brien then McBenni was swooping all last season and Tottenham have "swooped" to sign Scotty Parker!

By the way, there's another cracking test match unfolding at Trent Bridge. What idiot decided Broad should bat at 9 exactly?

Pay on the Day the Order of the Day

Well there's a surprise. The OS has "announced" that you can roll up on the day and pay to get in to the friendly against Zaragoza tomorrow.

Given the club was struggling to sell out Premiership games last season - even when we played at home to Chelsea - this is surely going to be the order of the day for most of the coming season. How low will the prices go to persuade fans to show up for a game against Doncaster is the question.

Everything hinges on hitting the ground running. If we storm the division like Newcastle did a couple of seasons back, then Upton Park will rock. But if we struggle, those prices will drop lower and lower and lower. Two big worries persist. Yes the kids have done well in friendlies but the squad is, in truth, paper thin with inadequate defensive cover; whilst up front, we are goal shy. Somehow, Allardyce has to find a way of scoring more than one goal per game.

Horrific Coincidence for the Greater West Ham Family

How sad. Genuinely so. I took some stick when I complained that the "sincere condolences" messages when Scotty's Dad died were maudlin, but how sad is it to read of the death of Bobby Moore's son, aged just 43, the day after the news broke that Dylan Tombides has been diagnosed with testicular cancer whilst still in his teens?

Perhaps there is a message of hope here for Dylan. The incomparable Bobby Moore was, of course, successfully treated for testicular cancer in 1964, and yet still went on to be the greatest defender ever to grace the game.

TGGC Premier League Fantasy League

This one has been set up by regular contributer John. To join the competition, follow John's instructions below!

The link is http://fantasy.premierleague.com/

and once you have chosen (or autoset?) your team the code for the mini league is 258815-126183

What's the pic got to do with anything? It's the closest Dyer will come to a fantasy team!

PS I've entered a team. It looks as if the League code isn't working but teams are being registered regardless if you enter the code above.

John - how comes we can't see who is in each other's teams?

A Genuine Great!

The word "great" is used far too loosely these days but we witnessed a genuine great at Goodwood today. The fantastic Frankel took on three very good rivals and galloped them into the turf, going away inside the final furlong in the style of a very, very, very special horse indeed.

All horseracing fans have their favourites and arguments will rage over which thoroughbred was truly the best but for me, there are three contenders: the brilliant Brigadier Gerrard, the stunning white socked Shergar and this new equine great Frankel.

Take your pick from any of those three in my book, but the fact that Frankel can even be mentioned in that company tells us that he is something truly out of the ordinary.

TGGC Championship Fantasy Football League!

(Article submitted by Stani!)

Hi guys,

I promised last season to set up a fantasy football game but we have since found ourselves relegated due to HF's favourite manager, and the worst in our clubs history, Mr Avram Grant. But, I've managed to find a Championship fantasy game, which thankfully for some of us, is much simpler to understand and play (I don't mean you Fred, honest…ahem).

I will create a team and mini-league and encourage all of the regulars on here to swallow their pride and join, so that we can put HF in his place. He will also make a team because he hates to be a spoilsport and has long wanted to rid himself of the technophobic tag and show that he's up with the times (read: He wants to beat us and show us that he knows more and is better than us...no change there then)

Main site:

http://fantasy.football-league.co.uk/Index.aspx

The points system and rules (very simple):

http://fantasy.football-league.co.uk/Article.aspx?id=501

Here is last season's Championship table to give you some idea of which teams to select players from. You can also use this soccerbase site to check on the past form of any of your potential recruits when selecting a team as the Championship’s players are new to us all.

http://www.soccerbase.com/tournaments/tournament.sd?tourn_id=3

To join The Game's Gone Crazy league, click on 'Private Leagues' on the right hand side menu (once you've registered and selected your team) and enter this PIN: 6298 where it says 'Joining an existing league' down the page.

So come join my fantasy...

...league.

P.S

When registering, do not use your real name if you want to remain anonymous. It's better to use the name you use on this blog anyhow. You CAN edit all this information, including email address, after registration though. All supporters of any club are welcome. Any questions, don’t hesitate.

After Get Your Kit On Thursday, it's Get Your Kit Off Friday!

I opened the Official Site article entitled "Get Your Kit On Thursday" with some trepidation. Had the Dildo Brothers suddenly come over all puritanical? Or was this the latest desperate attempt to assemble a squad for next season - anybody with a pair of boots can play?

But no. Thursday is simply our "opportunity" to buy the latest kit design.

Still here's hoping that Sullivan and Gold follow up with a "Get Your Kit Off Friday" promotion, starting with the Hammerettes!

Another Lopez for the Scrap Heap

Well our latest trialist didn't last long - about 20 minutes against Dagenham and Redbridge to be precise. The first Lopez, Walter the Fat Wimp, was shit and, judging by the swift withdrawal of the latest in the Lopez line, this one is no better.

The OS report described him thus: "He is tall and looks the part. Let's see what he has got in his locker." The answer, based upon his hasty substitution after coming on as a second half sub is "not much!"

Perhaps we should just accept that there's only one Lopez worth having!

Cole Scores!

OK, it's only against Dagenham & Redbridge but still. The goal machine is back!

By the way, Hines is on the bench. Has that contract therefore been signed?

Stani is alive and spitting!

In response to concerns, I emailed Stani, a good, generous, kind hearted model human being in his own Islamic estimate, and received confirmation that he is alive and spitting. I carry copies of our email exchange below and leave you to reach your own conclusions on mental health.

(I have amended the spelling of one word in case children look in!)

My email:

Some regulars appear genuinely concerned. Are you OK?

Stani's reply:

...hello to you too HF. Still a fine example of human etiquette I see? They are (or 'appear', as you put it) concerned because the world's not completely full of cnuts HF.

So there you have it! Courtesy personified! But he seems in perfectly good health. Well perfectly good physical health at least!

£8m or £5m for Long? Either way, a statement of intent.

To begin, I agree that anything above £3m represents one hell of a gamble for Shane Long. True he had a very good season for Reading last year but before that, he wasn't exactly setting the world alight was he? The guy is a very good Championship player but is likely to be found wanting in the Prem. So, you pay £8m now and you probably reckon on recouping £3m or £4m tops in 18 month's time.

But, with respect, that is beside the point. If Long bags 20 goals and secures an immediate return to the Prem, he is worth a £5m depreciation over 18 months. If the rumours are true, this is a spectacular statement of intent on behalf of Sullivan and Gold. True, they are probably reckoning on pocketing £8m from the sale of Parker and £6m from the sale of Cole, but that money is not yet guaranteed and £4m has already been invested in Nolan and a further £2m in Taylor.

At this rate, they will spending more to get out of the Championship than they invested on staying in the Prem. It makes you wonder if there was a strategy involved after all, based on reducing that absurd wage bill ready for launching a bid for Champions League football once we have occupied the Olympic Stadium.

Hang on, did I just write that? I'm going for a lie down!

Cole on a "hefty goal bonus"!

According to Sky - and Murdoch's organisation would never misreport anything would they? - Cole's move to Stoke collapsed because of the massive wages he receives from West Ham- reported at £40k per week even after relegation - and his "hefty goal bonus".

Now I understand perfectly well why the basic salary might represent a problem for Stoke but somebody should tell Pulis that the goal bonus really shouldn't be an issue. Let's guess Cole is in receipt of a massive £10k per goal he scores - well over the course of a season he would only earn an extra week's wages in bonuses!

Great Day, Great Test, Great Victory!

There are those who do not understand the intricacies of cricket and so have no feel for the game; but those "in the know" understand that it is the most enthralling and sophisticated sport devised by man. And this test, the 2000th in total, was one of the best ever.

Who will get Man of the Match? Pietersen for his brilliant 202 not out in the first innings? Anderson for his five second innings wickets and a total of seven in the match? Broad for two brilliant bowling performances and a superb second innings? Or my choice, Prior, who played for the team throughout, keeping wicket excellently and producing two brilliant knocks. Second innings we were in trouble when Prior came to the crease but, Gilchrist like, he seized the initiative and took the game away from the Indians. It was a brilliant knock in the circumstances, the sort of innings we associate with Gilchrist and Botham in his pomp.

So, we are 1-0 up in the series and a victory by two tests will see England anointed the best team in the world. Through the dark, dark years of West Indian and Australian domination that seemed impossible but this is a superbly gifted team with, before some smart arse says it, South Africa's second team outplaying their first eleven!

India have played their part in this test and were unlucky with injuries so remain dangerous. We move on to Trent Bridge now. With Strauss struggling and Morgan not convincing, perhaps Gooch should come out of retirement to wield that 333 willow!

QPR Owners Betraying Their Fans

What the hell is going on at Loftus Road? After all those years outside the Prem, they now have a great chance to consolidate a place in the top tier. They don't have a bad team as a platform, Warnock is a combative and reasonably astute manager and the owners are worth an absolute mint.

So what do they do? Well on the basis of their transfer business thus far, they seem intent on blowing it! As if signing Dyer wasn't bad enough, they have now confirmed the "capture" of Gabbidon - who, to be frank, was absolutely rank last season. Talk about trying to do it on the cheap!

I'm supporting QPR in the Prem next season but based on the summer so far, it looks like I'm destined to be focused on the bottom end of the table again. What a shameful missed opportunity this promises to be!

Allardyce Urges 'Arry to Bid for Parker

Not that he is desperate to sell the guy or anything, but Doctor Evil has encouraged Redknapp to get his finger out and bid for Parker sooner rather than later. According to Allardyce, the later Tottenham come in for Parker, the higher the price they will have to pay. Tottenham know that is cobblers of course. With no bids on the table and Chelsea and Villa now apparently looking elsewhere, the only pressure on Parker's price is downward pressure.

The rule of supply and demand is simple enough to understand. We have a Parker to sell and nobody seems keen on buying a Parker at the moment. On that basis, does the price of a Parker go up or down? Bloody hell, even Boy Scout badge holding market traders from Chelmsford can work out the answer to that question!

Strikers Firing Blanks

If Sam Allardyce is happy with a 0-0 draw at Wycombe, as the OS suggests, then that is very worrying. Cole, Parker, Barerra and Nolan all started yesterday but we couldn't put the ball in the net, suggesting that there are still issues related to creativity and finishing.

Cole's critics will be quick to point the finger and I will be tempted to highlight that a genuine Player of the Year should dominate against opponents like Wycombe, but let's instead dwell on the positive of a second consecutive clean sheet with Tomkins again looking dominant. I know it was only Wycombe but clean sheets are clean sheets...

...and of course clean sheets are much more likely if the big black guy up top is impotent!

England's Declaration Too Early

Maybe it was the right call based on the game situation but, from a purely personal point of view, I was not amused. I have a ticket for today's play at Lords and I would have loved to see Pietersen smashing the ball to all points of the ground before watching the Indians bat.

The sun is shining, my hunch is that India will score 400 plus and I am in for one of those days where you think, great company, impressive batting, but I just wish it was England out there with the willow in their hands and the opposition bowlers toiling.

Still I should see Tendulker at Lords in the 2000th Test Match. So, it may be a little boring but I will be watching history in the making!

Southampton bid £750,000 for Boa? Or is that what we are paying to offload him?

There is a rumour that Southampton are weighing up a bid of £750,000 to take Luis Boa-Morte to St Mary's but I'm not having that. Why would any club PAY to SIGN Boa?

I suspect a journalist has got the wrong end of the stick here. It seems much more likely that we will pay cash strapped Southampton £750,000 to get him off our wage bill. Like that, Southampton would have to meet £250,000 in wages to employ Boa for a year to miss open goals and concede free kicks all over the pitch.

Watch this space!

Reduction of substitutes is ridiculously short sighted

Only in football could such an absurd decision be reached as this. The N Power football league clubs have got together and decided that, to save money, they will reduce the number of subs allowed from seven to five.

Tell me, how does that save money exactly? The rule applies to the MAXIMUM number of subs you can name, nobody holds a gun to a club's head and says they must name all seven. Indeed, Pompey went into some Prem games with only three or four players on the bench.

What this absurd rule change will do is restrict the opportunities for young players to come through. With 7 subs allowed, you can name 5 experienced players and two kids, and, if the game situation allows, blood youngsters for 15 minutes over a few games before pitching them in at the deep end. Now those opportunities will be denied the youngsters. Stupid. Just plain stupid.

Who gains from this rule change exactly?

Taylor Brings Balance - but to where?

It looks as if Matty Taylor has been landed and it is refreshing to report the capture of a natural left footer. At last the issue of balance is being addressed - and it is about time!

The question is, where will Sam play him? Will it be on the left of midfield or will Taylor play at left back as he used to back in his early Pompey days?

Hopefully, we will now retain Ilunga and Taylor will be used on the left of midfield, enabling the former Bolton man to cover the Congolese left back when he ranges forward. The only concern with that combination is the lack of height as neither Ilunga nor Taylor are giants.

All hail Big Sam that shall be King hereafter...

Bloody hell we won and kept a clean sheet. And we were away from home. And we were playing a half decent team. And we went into the game without Barerra, Stanislas and Cole. Is this the time to start getting excited, especially with set play wizard Matty Taylor on his way?

All hail Big Sam, Thane of Bolton. All hail Big Sam, Thane of Blackburn. All hail Big Sam, that shall be King hereafter!

Mind you, Avram had a good record in pre season friendlies!

Watch West Ham Live For Free Tonight

Simply follow this link:

http://www.myp2p.eu/broadcast.php?matchid=123708&part=sports

Unfortunately, I have other commitments, but enjoy and let me know how they got on!

Kick off 7pm.

Cheer up Hammers, you could support QPR!

I know that QPR have just taken our place in the Prem but it looks to me as if their owners are even tighter and more short sighted than ours! As if signing Dyer wasn't a a big enough statement of non intent, they are now considering offering a contract to Gabbidon!

Why stop there? They could have Ilunga and Faubert fairly cheaply, Cole is available to lead their line, Keane hasn't found a new club yet and, unless I've missed something, Upson is still out there somewhere. Hell, go the whole hog and buy Green and Parker!

Yes QPR could nail their place in the bottom three simply be rebuilding West Ham United!

A Devalued Premiership!

Should Tevez and Fabregas depart, the Premiership brand will be devalued further. It was a huge loss to the competition when Ronaldo swanned off to Real Madrid and the defection of two genuinely World Class players will chip still more veneer away. Drogba, Lampard, Giggs and Gerrard are in decline, Scholes has retired, Essien is out for six months, the truly great players are concentrated together in Barcelona and Madrid and Torres may never recover his best form of a couple of seasons ago.

Wherever you look now, there are either journeymen or athletes. Sure Bale is tasty but his game is more about speed and commitment than sublime ability. Yes Van Persie is class but how long will he hang around after Fabregas has gone? Of course Rooney is talented but he is now the most precious jewel in the Man Utd crown rather than one of a host of sparklers.

Nani, Valencia, Malouda, Saurez, Toure, Silva, Modric, Nasri, Van Der Vaart, Fernandes, Young - they are all good or very good but they are not "special" like Tevez, Ronaldo and Fabregas. When Downing and Henderson command fees of £20m and £16m respectively, you know the cupboard is pretty damn bare! If this continues, the marketing men may start to struggle as they attempt to sell the "Best League in the World" line.

And then look at the supporting cast. I don't mean to be disrespectful here but isn't the Prem cheapened when you see QPR, Swansea, Norwich and Wigan in the starting line up? Wolves, Sunderland, Fulham, Blackburn, West Brom, Stoke...there are lots of games that promise to be less than mouth watering contests in amongst that lot isn't there?

And of course, on top of all that, the Prem has been stripped of the might of Kovac, Boa, Piquionne, Obinna, Spector and, as things stand, Cole, Parker and Green. Never mind the big kick off, August threatens to be the big turn off at this rate.

Allardyce condemns Fat BarStewards United!

So there we have it, Doctor Evil is shocked by the poor fitness levels of the squad. Quite why, is anybody's guess.

Didn't he see us play last season? Didn't he notice how the team only seemed able to play for 45 minutes in every game? It doesn't say a lot for his skills of observation that he missed what was obvious to every supporter who witnessed the humiliating apology for performances over the last 18 months.

When did it all start going wrong? When Zola brought in his Italian fitness team, or when Sullivan and Gold sacked them? To be fair to the Italians, stamina appeared far more of an issue last season than in the season before, so it looks like the buck here stops at the Dildo Brothers. By trying to save money, it looks like they cut the throat of our Premiership life!

When Eight Becomes Six Becomes Five - New Recruits!

Not so long ago, Doctor Evil was talking about bringing in an additional 8 players. Well that was pruned back today to a maximum of six and maybe even to five, with Sam saying, "It could be five or six more players [coming in] before the end of the transfer window."

Sam keeps wandering off script too. I'm not sure the Dildo Brothers will be happy with Sam's honesty when he says, "Thirteen professionals have already left West Ham to address the situation that we find ourselves in from a financial point of view." Ouch! There's surely a better way of expressing that!
 
So who are these players and where are they coming from exactly? Are we holding on, waiting to see which players will be surplus to requirements as clubs finalise their 25 man squads? If so, that is a dangerous strategy because you end up writing off the first month of the season with no guarantees that you will catch the fish you are after anyway.
 
Tell me, how do you build team spirit on that basis? And tell me, what's the point of pre season fixtures if half your team aren't even on the club's books yet?
 
Is Parker going or staying? Is Cole going to start the season in West Ham colours? What are we going to do with Taco Bell wonderkid Barerra? Can we expect Green to stay? Is Ilunga now regarded as a viable option for left back? Has Faubert kissed and made up with the club? These questions need answering but, of course, the OS pumps out PR about promising kids.
 
We are no longer favourites to win the division. Others are stealing a march on us because they are doing their business early. If we are scratching our heads wondering what is going on, how must players like Tomkins, Noble and Collison be feeling? One season in the N Power wouldn't be a disaster for their careers but if the Board are not going to press for promotion, they will want out like their big time charlie team mates. And meanwhile, why would players like D J Campbell join?

Less than 3 weeks to kick off and still no signings.

Is it time to panic yet? The big kick off is now less than three weeks away and we still have a paper thin squad with no news of any imminent arrivals. If Parker, Barrera, Cole, Ilunga, Faubert and Green go in a rush, God help us.

True, if we keep that lot, things will not be that bad. I would fancy this team to finish in the top 4 of the Championship:

Green

Spence, Tomkins, Reid, Ilunga

Parker

Noble, Collison

Nolan

Piquionne, Cole

Subs: Stanislas, Barerra, Faye, Faubert, Sears, Boa, Lee, Stech, Nouble, Hall, Tombides, Hines, Brown

Have I forgotten anybody?

But if the big three go, along with Faubert, Barerra and Ilunga, we will struggle without decent recruitments. It is time for Sullivan and Gold to stop sitting on their hands and wallets!

Redknapp Nails West Ham's Parker Folly!

Even 'Arry, who loves Parker almost as much as he loves brown envelopes under the table, has admitted that the contract we have given Parker makes any approach for the 30 year old unviable. Explaining why Spurs are "unlikely" to bid, the Wheeler Dealer said:

"If you take into account the fee of around £8m, signing on fees and wages you're talking about a £30m deal. There is no way the club would sanction a deal for a 30-year-old who would have no resale value at the end of his contract."

So, Spurs wouldn't sanction that contract but West Ham did. Is it any wonder that Tottenham are in rude financial health and we are in the shit?

Allardyce Gets Tough to Save Face

Remember when you were at school and you heard rumours that your girlfriend was going to dump you so you got in first and chucked her? Well that seems like a pretty accurate description of what has happened with No Eidur.

The deal was done but No Eidur prevaricated, with his Dad flying in at the last minute so save his son from a fate worse than death, joining West Ham! "Is it a bird, is it a plane, no it's No Eidur's Dad, flying half way around the globe to persuade his son that Iceland has even more in common with Greece - both nations are bankrupt - than with West Ham. 'Son', he says, 'Gab your things I've come to take you home!"

And with No Eidur packing his XXL underpants in his suitcase, Doctor Evil struck! "No!", a voice boomed. "No I will not stand for that! Reject me? Reject Me? I'll give him reject me! I reject him! There, stick that in your Icelandic pipe and smoke it, I reject you! Nah nah nah nah nah. I don't want you! Your dad's a poof, your mum's a whore and you can't kiss anyway! Takes one to know one, he who dealt it smelt it, your sister's a tramp, your brother's a wimp, you're not quite evil enough anyway. Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough!"

Even Greece has more dosh than West Ham!

It's bad enough when QPR and Brighton are able to secure players that we are after, but it really is taking the koulourakia when a Greek side can afford to pay more for the services of a player than we can muster. The whole bloody nation is bankrupt for fcuk's sake! Their latest austerity measure probably involves selling off the Greek half of Cyprus to the Turks without telling the Cypriots!

Quite what Gudjohnsen thinks he is going to be paid in is anybody's guess. Half way through his two year deal he will probably be collecting wheel barrow loads of drachma at the end of each training session!

Personally, I hope No Eidur ends up at AEK because I fancied Big Sam had lost his Elgin Marbles when he tried to sign him in the first place: the guy is fat and over the Lycabettus Hill so the Greeks are welcome to him!

Tottenham's Sandro out for 3 months - Parker hopeful of dream move!

With Sandro ruled out for three months and Modric still hopeful of a Great Escape from Levy's Mediocrity Mission, Scotty's chances of a dream move to Tottenham may have edged closer. Certainly the timing is perfect for West Ham. With both Essien and Sandro out, the demand for a quality holding midfield player increases, and the rules of supply and demand mean that Parker's value should therefore increase.

Tottenham won't want to let Chelsea target Jenas go now but 'Arry knows that Parker would do a better job than Jermaine regardless. Sandro's injury could have the effect, therefore, of bringing both Chelsea and Spurs back into play, hopefully triggering a bidding war.

Dear God, the man was Player of the Year last season; surely somebody wants him!

Where's Stani?

Concern is being expressed about missing contributor Stani Army. If you know of his whereabouts, please contact this blog, MI5, the police and Interpol.

Identification may be difficult. We have very little information to work on. Stani is a Muslim and supports the Pakistan cricket team. He is easily enraged if anybody touches on any subject related to racism and if anybody implies that Sharia Law is barbaric. He may be flushed out if you stand on the street corner and argue any of the following points:

1) Grant is a great football manager.
2) Zola destroyed the team built by Curbishley.
3) Green is a great keeper.
4) Gabbidon is useless.
6) Noble should be England's next play-maker.
7) Cole is hopeless.
8) Piquionne was a good signing.
9) Ben Haim is a decent defender.
10) Sullivan & Gold are great owners.

Some people believe that Stani is still looking in and posing as an anonymous. Others fear for his health or life. Others feel he took umbrage at the post questioning the contribution of black players to the West Ham cause. Others suspect that, infuriated by the decadence of the West (not just West Ham), Stani has moved to Pakistan where he is currently running a book on the outcome of cricket matches. Of course, he may just have got bored and moved on.

If you know something, anything, tell somebody. Stani must be out there somewhere!

Scotty says no to Turkey but yes to a Villa in Birmingham?

Oh the irony! Chelsea, it seems, don't want him. Levy, it seems, has told 'Arry he can't have him. Wenger, it seems, has declared, "Il n'est pas Francais". Man City, it seems, haven't even noticed he is available. Dalglish, it seems, wants every other living Englishman ahead of him.

So poor Scotty is left low and dry, beached on the banks of the Thames, unloved and unwanted despite the Player of the Year medal draped around his neck and his two recent caps worn jauntily on his head. How can this be? How can the best player in the whole of England be so cruelly shunned in this way?

But there is hope. Aston Villa, who so nearly plummeted from the Prem last season and who have subsequently shed their keeper and two best outfield players, want to buy Scotty and are willing to spend £7million to get him. They also want N'Zogbia who was involved in a relegation scrap himself last season.

Hang on, pause a moment! Last season a team in Claret and Blue appointed a manager who had guided his previous club to Wembley and relegation - and he made Parker the fulcrum of his team! Now a team in Claret and Blue have appointed a manager who guided his last team to Wembley and relegation and he wants to make Parker the fulcrum of his team too!

What is it they say about history repeating itself, first as a tragedy and then as a farce?

The Nerve of Dyer!

Can you believe the guy? Apparently, it's all the club's fault that he has sat on his arse injured ever since he joined us! Bad advice, misdiagnosis, poor treatment - if in better hands, our Six Million Dollar Man would have been rebuilt and playing week in and week out apparently.

What bollocks. The guy was a sicknote before he joined us and pulled up lame when on loan to Ipswich. It's down to attitude and pain thresholds: in Dyer's case that reads poor and zero!

How hilarious is it to read him say, "I'm 100 per cent fit at the moment. I'm fit and looking forward to the start of the season." Funny the way he is always 100% fit in July, but come August...

Official Site issues panic statement over Cole

One thing's for sure, when a club feels the need to make an official statement, there's something very odd afoot. So, Carlton has turned down the chance to join Stoke. Big deal, why wouldn't he? He is a London lad and a social fellow by all reports. His Mum lives down south and so do all his mates. And Stoke is a shit hole.

So why the panicky need to issue a statement claiming the breakdown in the deal had nothing to do with extravagant wage demands or the deep seated injury that Carlton is reportedly carrying? I smell a rat.

On one hand the statement is saying don't turn on Carlton. He didn't ask to leave. He hasn't held out for a massive salary, just wage parity. He is a valued member of the team.

On the other hand, I have a sense of a smoke screen. There's something dodgy here, mark my words!

What has been confirmed by all this is that Carlton doesn't want to leave and is being forced out. Not many weeks back Gold was telling us that we would lose our England players because they WANTED to leave. Well, that's not true in Carlton's case in seems. And has anybody heard Green demanding a move? Sure Parker wants out but Mr West Ham, our Claret & Blue legend, is intent on playing in the Prem to prolong his England career.

Cole Rejects Stoke Again!

Once again, we see how stupidly our cub has been run. Offered the chance of Premiership football and the opportunity to press his England claims, Carlton has said bugger off because it would involve a drop in his wages. Let's just repeat that. West Ham are in a mountain of debt and languishing in the N Power whilst Stoke are resident in the Prem, looking forward to a season in Europe and in rude financial health, but Carlton will be earning more if he stays at Upton Park than if he joins the Pulis revolution in the Piss Potteries.

It's absolutely bloody crazy. And because of this mismanagement - which also sees us considering a loan deal for Parker because not even Chelsea want to take on his absurd wages for the next four years - we cannot reshape the team to Doctor Evil's liking.

Of course there were two other stumbling blocks. Why would anybody in his right mind move from London to Stoke? Unless, of course, he was doing a runner from his bookies! Stoke is a shit hole.

And then there was Stoke's insistence that Cole's bonus be based on goals scored. "Goals?" Carlton asked, "What are those?"

Eidur reveals he has always supported West Ham

Eidur Gudjohnsen has told the world that he has been a die hard Claret & Blue fan since he was knee high to an ice hopper. Speaking on the eve of signing for West Ham, Gudjohnsen revealed:

"I was heart broken when a number of proposed moves to West Ham broke down. Initially I was linked with a move in the summer of 2009 but sadly gangsters put a gun to my head and forced me to join Monaco instead."

"When things didn't work out for me in the Principality I was all set to move to Upton Park with the club even putting me up in a £1500 a night suite in the Dorchester as I pondered the move. Sadly that wily old fox Mr Redknapp came knocking with a contract in his hand. Of course, knowing his West Ham connections, I signed without asking any questions. You can guess at my surprise when I discovered that, whilst I had been abroad, Redknapp had become manager of Tottenham. Tottenham! As a West Ham fan I hate them but what could I do? The contract was signed!"

Wiping away icicles from beneath his eyes, Eidur continued: "And then when things didn't work out for me at Tottenham, it was my dearest hope that West Ham would come in for me again but sadly Mr Grant had taken over as manager and had different ideas. Stoke came in for me and I waited and waited and waited, hoping West Ham would make contact. I stalled signing that contract for...well it must have been two or three...hours. But eventually I had to accept the inevitable - West Ham didn't want me. My hand shook as I signed that contract. "

He smiled as he added: "But now everything has worked out perfectly. Stoke don't want me after I failed to score in 4 starts and my childhood dream is about to be realised. Happily Mark Hughes left Fulham and so that move never happened and, by great good fortune, no other club was interested in me after I'd only scored two goals since 2009. So, I am soon to be a West Ham player and I want the fans to know that money was not a consideration. I only joined Barcelona because they play in Claret and Blue and linked up with Chelsea so I could live in the city of the club I love."

He ended: "There is a history linking West Ham and Iceland and I am sure that this new chapter in the Icelandic Hammers link will prove every bit as glorious as the last one. West Ham need a 25 goal a season striker and my two goals in three years suggest I am that man!"

Faubert Costs West Ham Confidence Boosting Draw

Two games under Doctor Evil and two defeats. True, we can take some heart from pushing both Young Boys and Basel close, whilst giving a run out to lots of youngsters, but at the end of the day, both games were lost and that doesn't do a lot of good for confidence.

If you trust the OS, a number of players acquitted themselves well but our only goal was a penalty and with Nouble scoring in the first match from a corner, we haven't fashioned a goal from open play over 180 minutes. And the average of two goals conceded per game suggest that the old defensive frailties remain.

True Noble and Collison haven't played. True Nolan has only completed 45 minutes over the two games. True Hall, and Brown, and Spence and Lee have shown promise. True Stanislas and Tomkins have suggested they could have big seasons ahead of them. True Ilunga played. True Stech has looked steady. And true it is early days.

Grant, of course won all these pre season games and then look what happened. But I would feel so much better if I saw a clean sheet and a victory some time very soon!

Mind you, a 1-1 draw would have been creditable but sadly Faubert blew it by conceding a penalty in the last minute. He really is a useless cnut!

Why the future of West Ham remains bright despite a catalogue of cock ups!

(Article submitted by Kevin in Manchester)

In the last twenty years or so West Ham has made cock up, by dint of desperation, an art form.

When we set about redeveloping Upton Park we managed three sides of the ground before relegation and plunging income bolloxed the opportunity to finish the job.

When the Cearns sold up they chose the dead hand of Terry Brown; terrified no doubt of the opprobrium that may fall on them if they sold it to G&S who were gagging for it.( Little realising that in the PL no one cares where your money come from as long as you have got it and plenty of it- but also pornography, for better or worse- was about to go mainstream.)

For all the guffawing about dildos and jazz mags, Messieurs Gold and Sullivan wouldn’t have brass farthings to rub together if they weren’t servicing a mass market.

Upon being gifted two of the world’s best players, we snatched at them without considering the small print or if we had a manager with the wit to integrate them into the team and, as a result, we suffered pain, humiliation and a multi-million pound hole in the pocket.

As the age of billionaire sugar daddies dawned with the coming of Abromovich ‘up west’ – we managed to pick one with economic feet of clay. We did not even use the period before he was rumbled to invest wisely –choosing to pay Champions League wages to a collection of crocks and mercenaries ultimately incapable of keeping us out of the Championship.

When Paul Lambert applied for the West Ham managers job – we picked Zola (and then Grant!)

Now we have the biggest opportunity of all and blow me! Uncle cock-up comes calling again (Ho, Ho!).

I do not care how detached Ms Knight and her West Ham paramour were from the bidding process; it was madness to contract her under any circumstances. Even so, the government, the OLC, Boris and Newham have so much invested in West Ham moving in to the Olympic Stadium the season after next it’ll probably still happen.

If anyone doubts just what a boon the Olympic Stadium could be for West Ham, ask yourself why Daniel Levy, who hitherto is not known for mucking up, has been prepared to throw good money after bad to stop us moving in? It is nothing personal that would be mad and he isn’t.

It is because he knows that the location, transport links, economic ecology and iconic imagery are worth millions and the OS has it in spades. The sheer footfall will be mind boggling and it will be just about the best connected place in the UK. It will be possible to ship in and ship out a full house in not much more than 30 minutes – making it attractive not only for the casual fan but also a magnet for corporate entertainment.

It may seem trivial but crowded trains and traffic jams annoy people. So much so, Primo Nebiolo, the former head of world athletics (IAAF) after one nasty trip to Crystal Palace in the 1980’s, decided there and then to move the organisation from Knightsbridge to Monaco. No matter how shiny the proposed reboot of Crystal Palace that Levy had planned; he could do nothing about south London gridlock and that’s why the athletics legacy people weren’t buying it.

Liverpool’s failure to keep pace with Manchester United was in part down to an absence of vision; they didn’t see Manchester United turning Old Trafford into a cash cow as particularly significant. Levy understands very well how significant the OS could be for West Ham- not only for all the reasons stated above but also although the club is moving only a few miles; they are a significant few.

It puts us at the heart of a much bigger catchment area rather than to the south of it; it will make us a stronger presence in that rather moneyed arc of suburbia that swings south and east from Enfield to Southend where, hey, guess who have the odd season ticket holder!

Levy’s big mistake was to baulk at the athletics track; if he hadn’t Tottenham would have got it. I suspect it was bad timing. What started as a back-up plan for Northumberland Avenue (?) suddenly became the main event the more he looked into it but he didn’t have the bollocks to do a U-turn, face down fans and go with the track.

I doubt the track will be the impediment many seem to fear. I have read that stadiums with running tracks haven’t worked elsewhere but only from those who are against the move. As long as it is noisy- and I believe it has been designed to enhance the sound of the crowd – I am sure it will work fine, develop its own atmosphere and that most of us will learn to love it.

We have failed to do the right thing so often in the past but even so with the gift of the Olympic Stadium I’m tempted to say only an idiot could blow it now, but then again …….

Kovac Stands Between West Ham & Victory!

Looks like Rad the Impaler could be in the Basel team that plays Doctor Evil's West Ham United this afternoon. How ironic would it be if Kovac plays a blinder and scores the winner?

Mind you, "Kovac stands between West Ham and victory" pretty much sums up Radislav's Claret & Blue career!

Sullivan Entertains Parallel Parker Universe!

Would you believe it, the Gobby One fancies LOANING Scotty Parker to money bags Chelsea. Why? Because we really like Parker apparently and he still has four or five good years in him, so what could be better than lending him to Chelsea for the best of those years?

Why exactly are Chelsea looking to loan rather than buy the guy? Because, of course, they know that with his all action style and history of injuries, he has a limited shelf life. Even super rich Chelsea don't want to commit to paying the guy £83,000 a week into his footballing dotage.

Press reports suggest that Tottenham are no longer interested. It seems that Levy may have won the argument with Redknapp, even if they bank £35million plus for Modric. Why blow £20m of that on Parker's fee and three years wages? You would have to be as stupid as...well as stupid as Sullivan & Gold to entertain a 3 year wage bill of £12million for a huff and puff merchant who has turned 30!

Anyway, I'm off to buy a lottery ticket for the Euro Millions. I only have to pay £165million for a ticket and if my number comes up, I win £2!

Two transfer targets turn down West Ham

Another day and more bad news on the transfer front. Bothroyd has opted for little old QPR over medium sized West Ham and former player Twocapchesky has linked up with the man who gave him those two caps, at Leicester.

We are being told how impressed Allardyce is with O'Brien, but the Dildo Brothers are no doubt keen on that signing because he is available on a free. As each day goes by, so the available pool of talent reduces and the concern grows.

Let's hope that the Parker and Cole deals are done quickly, freeing up some ready cash, or I fear we could be facing a third consecutive season battling against relegation. And losing that struggle really would spell disaster.

At this point, does anybody fancy a season ticket?

West Ham resort to telesales in desperate attempt to shift season tickets

Have you received your call yet?

"Hi, is that Mr Hammersfan? Hi there, it's Chrissy here, 36-23-34, favourite position reverse cowboy, I'm ringing from the West Ham ticket office to ask if you realise that you have forgotten to renew your season ticket for the coming season?"

"As you know, the club is offering a fantastic deal, holding prices at 2010-11 levels, giving you the amazing opportunity to watch N-Power Championship football at the same price as you paid for Premiership football last season. The good news is, of course, that we may win more than five home games in the coming season."

"We have, of course, been inundated with season ticket renewal applications, so have decided to extend the window for renewing tickets and, whilst processing the mountain of applications, we are calling to give all those who have not yet applied the opportunity to do so."

"If not interested in renewing your season ticket, you may be interested in our wonderful Energy Switch service. Let us find the best gas and electricity deal for you and support your club by giving us a cut of the commission."

"If that does not appeal, perhaps you would like to place an order for our new replica shirts, available at a very special price, plus £25 postage and packing."

"Alternatively, we could have a different kind of conversation if you call me on the Premium Rate "I'm Chrissy and I'll Blow Your Bubbles" chatline service. Simply call 0895 6969696969. You know the owners think you are wankers so why not enjoy yourself and support the club by knocking one off for the boys in Claret & Blue?"

"We are West Ham United, we are the footballing whores of the N Power Championship!"

Cole is carrying an injury - confirmed!

The most interesting thing about Cole's proposed move to Stoke is the news that he is carrying a deep seated injury. Stoke's chairman Coates confirms, "He has got an injury problem and he's always had that. That's another risk you take, you have to factor that in, but he's a good player and Tony has always liked him. Managers like different players don't they and Tony has always liked him."

Coates isn't specific about the nature of the injury and Carlton's critics will allege it is a deep seated allergy to the back of the net, but Carlton's lack of mobility since he pulled up lame against Villa back in November of 2009 is perhaps now explained. He has never looked the same player since.

In the light of this, it looks a good deal to offload him. Carlton is damaged goods psychologically, if he is damaged physically too, Stoke are welcome to him!

McCarthy to Reunite with Allardyce and West Ham?

So McBenni has not yet found a club and, apparently, has been in "no hurry" to do so. Well to borrow from Murray Mints, you can't hurry a McBenni.

Apparently he has just returned from a working holiday in Disneyland, where he has been doubling up as Bluto and Baloo Bear, in between feeding his face with burgers of course. Just imagine the horror in all those "Eat as much as you like" Orlando restaurants as McBenni waddled through the door.

Anyway, McBenni is clubless and West Ham need a 25 goal a season striker and Big Sam has worked with Big Benni in the past and was reluctant to lose him so the solution is obvious. Get the man a pen and support his elbow as he signs on the dotted line!

McBenni's coming home!

(Apologies to Benni, somehow a picture of Avram has appeared!)

Sack Allardyce Now!

One game played, one defeat! He has a worse win ratio than Zola & Grant! He has to go! We can't stand for this!

Act now Sullivan & Gold before it is too late!

Just thought I would get in there ahead of the clowns!

No Cole, Parker, Noble, Barerra, Green, Collison or Tomkins...

...in the starting line up today. Is this a clue about things to come?