Tony Gale Rates Carlton Cole Better Than Chamakh and Carroll

For two games in a row I've listened to ex Hammer Tony Gale insisting that, as a centre back, he would rather face Chamakh or Carroll than Carlton Cole.

That's all very well Tony, but who would you rather face if you were a keeper or the back of a net?

Actually, why would you be worried about facing any of them?

Fulham 3 West Ham 1 - Disgraceful

So, we are now embroiled in a relegation battle proper. Those who argued that we were safe had clearly forgotten the example of Shafting United during our Great Escape season. We may stay up, but only if the teams below us keep losing because this side are not going to win many more points.

What can you say after this inept surrender? Thank God Norwich and Reading didn't win! Reading are now a real worry. They seem to have forgotten how to lose and are on the sort of charge that saw them storm the Championship. Twice behind against Chelsea, they showed more guts and fire than we have shown for the best part of two months now.

Our slide down the table continues. Our pathetic inability to create and convert chances continues. Our woeful defending continues. Allardyce's blame culture will no doubt continue. But sooner or later the buck has to stop with him.

Yes his stats may look impressive but there's no point in pumping in crosses if the crosses are aimless. And there's no point in getting in decent crosses if your forwards are gutless, brainless and can't hit a barn door from five paces. How crap was Chamakh tonight? Why the hell was he allowed to stay on the pitch for so long?

Nolan scored at last. That's good news. We now need his goals to come in a clutch. We have to pray that Carroll can find the desire to extend himself and that he can remember where the back of the net is. We have to beat Swansea now or we are in deep, deep, deep shit!

Half Time Fulham 1 West Ham 0 - Allardyce attempting to emulate Zola!

Even Grant won at Craven Cottage. Enough said? Zola lost, because Zola was a wet behind the ears numpty, but every other manager of our club has seen Craven Cottage as three easy points. Before Zola you had to go back to the 1960s for our last defeat there - 65 or 63? - but all the signs are there that we will fall on our arses tonight.

Another night, same old problems. Chamakh looks a total chump. Jarvis is hitting crosses with all the accuracy of a drunken blind man. And Nolan is finishing like Carlton Cole.

Once again we have conceded in the first quarter of the game, thereby facing an uphill battle. How many chances have we created so far? One from memory and Nolan headed wide.

It's 8 points now from the last 33. That is a desperate situation if it becomes 8 from 36. I warned pre Christmas that we faced a relegation battle and many scoffed. Well if we don't get a draw tonight, we are in deep shit. Even Norwich are winning. Please God Spurs overcome the handicap of having Parker in midfield and find at least one goal. That's how desperate we are becoming!

Rats Boarding The Sinking West Ham Ship!

Only at West Ham! With the teams at the bottom edging just that little bit closer last night, the latest rumour is linking us with a Romanian Rat. Razvan, as he is Christened, has won league titles before - but only in Romania and in the Ukraine, and believe me, football is not of the highest standards in this part of the world.

But the Rat has a left foot and is a specialist left back and has the virtue of not being Warnock. Beggars can't be choosers so I would be glad to welcome him on board our sinking ship. Sadly, he will not be available for tonight's game, which has, to me, the look of a six pointer. Win it, we can breath a huge sigh of relief; lose it, and our ship is up shit creek with only half a paddle!

Half A Million For Half A Season - Pogatetz Signs

I'm not going to pretend to be enthusiastic about this, but of the two, Pogatetz has to be a better bet than Warnock. At least our latest "Mad Dog" plays with passion!

He aint Repka and he aint Martin Allen, but if he plays with fire in his belly, he may yet endear himself to West Ham fans. And let's never forget, if he has a mare, we can always say, well it could have been worse, it could have been Warnock! A Bundesliga reserve or a guy who can't even make the Villa team this season? No contest!

West Ham Failing To Learn From Old Mistakes In Transfer Market

Warnock and Pogatetz, I ask you! If it is a case of finding a warm live body, any warm live body, my Mum would just about qualify - though she has a chill and so can't go out at the moment. This nonsense has gone on for too long. Defenders win games just as much as forwards do.

We carried Lucash Neil for too long. We suffered with Upson for 12 months after his sell by date. We used Spector and Faubert at full back. We tried Bridge when he had long since tumbled down. We had Ben Haim, and the mighty MK Dons tore him apart at the weekend. And that's just scratching the surface!

But still the lesson has not been learned! God help us!

Seven In Morning Meeting Just Plain Stupid

So Allardyce spat out his dummy after the thumping at the Emirates and insisted that the players show up the following morning at seven o'clock for a dress down. How stupid.

What exactly was going to be achieved by that, other than breeding resentment? We were trounced by a better team, fired up by Allardyce's own stupid pre match comments. If Allardyce wants to blame somebody at that time of the morning, he should simply look in his bathroom mirror. Perhaps he could use his wife's lipstick to write the words "Stupid Cnut" on the glass before looking.

Some of us have been saying that a new left back was a priority since the end of last season, but Allardyce has ignored this obvious Achiles heel. Even now we are being linked with Warnock, a player not good enough for Villa's defence!

We got what was coming to us in midweek. The writing was on the wall when Sunderland tore us apart and the improved performance against Man Utd, using three centre backs and two young full backs was ignored. Nobody's fault except Allardyce.

So Diame turned up late. So what? Wouldn't you if you wanted to provoke a showdown ahead of demanding a transfer to Arsenal?

Anton, Green & Ben Haim Feature in QPR Horror Show!

You have to laugh. No really you do. You just can't stop yourself. Four goals shipped against a Division Three team at home! And three ex Hammers in the starting line up, with a fourth, Zamora, coming off the bench.

Well done 'Arry! Time to focus on the League!

Allardyce Discovers Facts Of Life

Life's tough. Poor Sam went in to the showroom to buy a Porsche and found that the seven hundred and fifty quid in his pocket wasn't enough. He tried his Northern bluster but the salesman wouldn't budge. He tried to have a word with an agent, not promising any backhanders of course, and there was still no deal.

"But I want a Porsche", Big Fat Sam complained. "No I NEED a Porsche. Why can't I have one?"

At this point, Dodgy Dave wandered past and signalled for Sam to come outside. "What do you want a Porsche for?" Dave asked. "I've got a sweet little motor on my forecourt now. One careful owner. Not many miles on the clock. Gears are a bit sticky. Head gasket may go any time soon, tyres could do with a bit more air, shock absorbers aren't the best, takes a bit of time to start in the morning, but when she's going she's a nice little runner and you only need her as a bit of a run around, it's not as if you're entering a Grand Prix. And at seven hundred nicker she's a snip!"

"But I really wanted a Porsche," Sam complains.

"Need's must," David replies. "So, what do you say to this lovely Cortina?"