Tottenham To Build Dad's Army!

Not content with signing the grand old man of keeping, Brad Friedal, and Scotty wrong side of thirty Parker, 'Arry now apparently has his eyes on old lags Michael Owen and Rio Ferdinand. Much more of this and Tottenham will be changing their sponsors to Saga!

There was a time when Tottenham bought exciting young talent, but with 'Arry in charge, the policy has switched to the opposite extreme. Gallas is 34, Parker 31, Van der Vaart 28 (younger than I thought I must admit - what a fantastic buy he was!), Friedal 40 - and  Owen is approaching 32 whilst Rio is about to tick into his 33rd year. 'Arry is building his very own Dad's Army!

Altogether on the terraces..."Who do you think you are kidding 'Arry Redknapp if you think we're on the run,We have the boys who will stop your little game, We have the boys who will make you think again..."

Allardyce Turns On Critics

Oh dear oh dear, Doctor Evil doesn't take kindly to criticism does he? With his evil master plan to recruit Hell Hadji frustrated by the blogging guardian angels, Sam Pot is drawing the line at complaints about introducing Year Zero football to the Khmer Rouge and Blue.

Allardyce exploded: "I don’t know why some people moan about winning when all this team did before was lose. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’ve been in this game all my life and not for the life of me would I expect a football fan to accept playing well and losing rather than playing well and winning, but if you are unable to play well then just win. Haven’t met one yet and I think it is all bollocks.”

Of course, what Sam Pot fails to understand is that it is possible to win whilst remaining true to the values and traditions of the club. We are, after all, a division down, playing against weak opposition, so we could turn on the style. Newcastle and West Brom played proper football and secured promotion. so did Blackpool. And so did Swansea. And despite Warnock, QPR played some decent stuff too apparently whilst winning this division. And Norwich weren't a long ball side. And, it should be noted, Southampton are top playing a refreshing brand of fast, direct, passing football - fashioned by Pardew.

But Sam Pot won't have it. We have to go back to Year Zero to win. The only way is the Sam Way. So prepare the killing fields, the Kymer Rouge and Blue are going to bludgeon their way to victory!

Tottenham's Scott Parker - The New Dave Mackay!

Good old 'Arry, was it only last week that he was claiming that Ledley King was as good as the legendary Bobby Moore? Well now Parker has been elevated to the pantheon of footballing gods on the back of a performance against Premiership giants QPR and posters are rushing on here to claim I got it all wrong about Scotty. But did I?

Let's consider what I always maintained, that Parker is a good holding midfielder but a poor midfield general. So, how many games has Parker now played for Spurs? I'm not sure but I think it is eight. How many goals has he scored? That would be none wouldn't it? OK, so how many assists then? That would be one wouldn't it?

But he is a holding midfielder the Parker acolytes will scream. Exactly! That's what I kept saying, but we couldn't afford to use Parker as a holding midfielder could we? We needed creativity as well as industry. And because Parker was used as a midfield general, we were toothless going forward and, time and again, he conceded free kicks in key areas as he tried to back peddle after we lost possession.

The new Dave Mackay? Mackay scored 82 goals in 591 appearances; Parker has netted 24 times in 325 appearances - and keep in mind that Mackay played as a sweeper at the tail end of his career. So, Parker scores you approximately 3goals a season from midfield. That puts a huge pressure on the other players to compensate!

That, of course, isn't a problem at Spurs. They have Defoe, Modric, Van der Vaart and Bale. Who did we have? Cole, Noble, Boa Morte and Obinna! Were they going to get the goals to make up for Parker's inability to score? Of course not! How many assists did Parker have to his name last season? Three I think. So where were the goals ever going to come from? It doesn't matter at Spurs. Modric will create and so will Bale and Lennon and Van der Vaart.

So, Parker is the cog that Spurs required. He is doing nothing special, he is sitting, holding, sweeping in front of the back four and releasing short passes to the true footballers in the team. There's a skill in that, no question, but to accommodate Parker, you have to have creativity elsewhere in the team, and we never had it.

So was I wrong about Parker? Far from it. Was 'Arry right to prioritise the signing of Van der Vaart over Scotty? Unquestionably so. Goals win matches, players like Parker help you to avoid defeat. Finish a season with 38 points from 38 drawn games and you are in a relegation dog fight. To escape the bottom, you have to win and to win you have to score and to score you have to create.

Why are Tottenham pushing towards the top three? Because they kept Modric and Bale and because they signed Van der Vaart last season. Parker is playing a role, an important role, but a very limited role suited to his limited ability. And, just like his "great performance" against Wales, Parker has been looking good against modest opposition. Let's see how good he looks when Spurs are tested by the better teams in the division!

Allardyce Smithing Around Pardew's Stiffs

After bowing to pressure from the fans not to sign Hell Hadji, Doctor Evil is now apparently after another of his old bad boys with ex Leeds and Man Utd thug Alan Smith is the latest reported target. Well we've had Bowyer I suppose, so why not his old mucker Smith? And then who knows, we could go for Woodgate to complete the set.

Would it be a good move? Not in my book. Smith was a good player once but that was a long, long, long time ago now. He has never been the same since that leg break to be honest.

But never mind Smith, the bigger question is why Allardyce only seems interested in his former players. This is a guy who was famed for having dossiers on players from across Europe. Since when have Bolton and Newcastle constituted the whole of Europe exactly?

3-2 against Leicester. As many questions as answers!

OK, so we could take the "Get in there" approach. It was a win. It's another 3 points. It's back to back victories. A few weeks back, consecutive games against Brighton away and Leicester at home looked threatening so 6 points is an excellent return for the last 6 days. We are second. There is a 3 point gap between us and the third team. There is clear Claret and Blue water between West Ham and the teams outside a play off place - until games in hand are played at least. If we maintain our current return of points per game, we will finish on 88 or 89 points, enough to secure promotion. Our goal difference is the second best in the division. And this has all been achieved with a heavily depleted squad. So why aren't we all celebrating?

Well some of us are, of course. Some of us think that this blog is intent on seeing the negatives. Some of us will groan when they see this thread and complain, here we go again. But I'm still going to suggest that yesterday's game, and the Brighton match before it, asked as many questions as they answered.

Look at that second half performance. We were coasting. Two goals up and with Leicester manager-less, it should have been a comfortable victory. But as soon as Leicester got a foot in the game - and that was before they scored - we panicked. Once Leicester scored, the whole team turned into Corporal Jones, yelling "Don't panic! Don't panic!" until Rob Green remembered "They don't like it up 'em" and went long ball. No complaints from me about that goal, Piquionne's flick and Baldock's finish were class, but had that goal not been scored at that exact time, I fancy we would have lost the game. But why? We were still a goal ahead for pity's sake, we were the home team, we were above Leicester in the table, we had the experienced manager - but the team looked clueless and terrified regardless.

The problem still roots back to a lack of balance. Noble got man of the match yesterday because of what he offered offensively - and the quality of his passing was head and shoulders above anything else on show - but he is not a holding midfielder; and that shows when we find ourselves on the back foot. He couldn't play alongside Parker, with both doing exactly the same job, and he can't partner Nolan who wants to sit at the apex of the midfield diamond, requiring his partner to sit deep and hold. Give Noble a partner who holds and I suspect we will see him at his best, but ask him to be that holding man, and we will always be vulnerable at the back.

The solution to accommodating Noble and Nolan? You go 4-5-1. But then you can't play Baldock on the shoulder of the big striker and his performance yesterday showed that, home or away, he should be the first name on the team sheet. Baldock is good, very good. That finish for the third goal was special. True it was long ball, but the finish was sublime - and the shot that hit the bar shows he can make something from very little too. When you have a finisher like that at the club, you have to start him.

So now you are trying to fit together a jigsaw whose parts don't fit again. We want Noble's passing range, we want Nolan's leadership and goal scoring threat in and around the box, and we want Baldock's finishing. But we also want a holding midfielder to protect a back four that looks vulnerable whenever the opposition press, and a big man for Baldock to play off. If we could start with 12 players there wouldn't be an issue, but the bastard FA insist you can only have 11 guys on the pitch at any one time!

What does Allardyce do? Well it will be no change on Tuesday, and we should be able to beat Bristol City even with square pegs in round holes, but what happens against the better teams? I really don't know! Who is the misfit in this conundrum? Noble or Nolan or Baldock? At Brighton, Baldock was sacrificed but the Blackpool and Leicester games highlighted the folly of leaving out a player who has "Tony Cottee" stamped all over him. Yes we kept a clean sheet at Brighton, but only because we offered absolutely nothing going forward.

Noble, Nolan and Baldock. It's a case of two's company but three's a crowd; and I would hate to nominate the player to drop out.

Allardyce Out-Foxed at Half Time by Caretaker!

You have to wonder why these managers are paid huge salaries. Half time, two goals to the good, Leicester on the ropes and no manager to sort them out; the second half should have been like stealing crisps from a kid. But far from it! The caretaker put down his broom, changed Leicester's tactics and sent them out to defeat Allardyce's charges 2-1 in the second half, with a bold substitution to replace Beckford along the way.

Brilliant! We had home advantage, a two goal lead and the better team, but Doctor Evil couldn't out manoeuvre, out motivate nor out organise a vacuum!

How much are we paying him exactly?

4-4-2 Sam Going For It!

So it seems as if a dual strategy is emerging: 4-5-1 away from home seeking 1-0 victories, and 4-4-2 at home, looking to force the opposition onto the back foot. The team today reads:

Green

O'Brien, Faye, Reid, McCartney

Faubert, Noble, Nolan, Collison

Baldock, Carew

So, Diop is not used to hold which suggests that job falls to Noble. Let's hope he shows the necessary concentration and positional discipline because with King, Vassell, Nugent and Beckford in the team, this Leicester side have goals in them! I have a hunch we will need to score three to win!

West Ham Fan Power Frustrates Allardyce!

He's admitted it! It was the pressure from the fans that blocked the Diouf deal! Explaining why we didn't sign Hell Hadji, Doctor Evil said:

"Obviously I had to bear in mind the situation at the club with the fans. It was sensible to take everything into consideration and the most important thing is we are going pretty well at the moment and there shouldn't be any distractions.The sensible thing to do always is to consider all the possible consequences and then make the decision. He's a good player and he did well for me at Bolton, but I'm aware of the issue with the fans here at West Ham."

So there you have it guys, the campaign waged by the blog sites - and I include the rival sites here - has paid off. We may have very little say in what happens at West Ham - if something really suits Sullivan and Gold it will happen regardless of what we think or say - but we do wield an influence at the margins.

Any idea what we should fight the next campaign about? Save the Boleyn? They won't listen. Abandon long ball football? Not a chance in hell. The colour of David Gold's socks on match days? If it is a question of one shade of grey over another, it might be worth giving it a go!

Green and Tomkins back for Leicester - But does that help?

So Green and Tomkins are back in contention for the game against Leicester, although personally I doubt that either will be risked. What's the point of pitching them in too early, only for them to break down? It seems more likely that both will start on the bench, not least because their replacements were amongst the better performers at Brighton. We were shit going forward but that's hardly the fault of Faye, Reid and Almunia.

Of course it is great news to have Green and Tomkins back - I don't trust Almunia at all and Tomkins is, in my opinion our best defender - but the real deficiencies lie further up the field. I know Nolan scored on Monday but what did he offer creatively apart from that? And Faubert? Did he send in one cross all game? And Collison? Did he pass to a player in Claret and Blue all night? Diop?  He made one good clearance inside his own six yard box but he was just a lump to get around apart from that. And Noble? Indifferent at best.

Surely Allardyce will start 4-4-2 against Leicester? They arrive low on confidence and without a manager. If Millwall can stick three past them on their own dung heap, then we should be looking to take them apart. Carew and Baldock must be licking their lips in anticipation and after his positive contribution at Brighton, Sears might be worth a try too; although I fancy Allardyce will opt for Faubert and Collison on the flanks.

Doctor Evil is bemoaning the lack of numerical depth in the squad and, ironically, we are short in midfield, the area of the pitch where, a couple of weeks ago, we looked strongest. Injuries to Bentley, Lansbury and Taylor have, however, changed the complexion completely. We urgently need somebody to play on the left of midfield as cover for Taylor and another utility midfield player, but who is available? Diouf. Thank God that option has now been rejected.

The decision to let Stanislas go is perhaps looking a little foolish now although I still think Montano should be recalled and tried. Allardyce is moaning about having to name an 18 year old on the bench at Brighton and that does not bode well for the Academy does it? Leeds started an 18 year old against us and he looked pretty good! Somebody should have a word in Doctor Evil's shell like and point out what West Ham stands for!

Allardyce decides to spit rather than swallow!

Well thank God for that! Doctor Evil has decided to send Diouf back to the sewer from which he crept. Apparently the decision is based on Hell Hadji being out of condition, but that sounds like an excuse to me.

The pressure of the blog sites may well have been a critical factor as Gold and Sullivan - attuned to public opinion - possibly decided for Allardyce that this was a piss take too far. Hammers fans have been taking it up the rear for years now, but asking the Claret and Blue Army to swallow this, on top of Doctor Evil's negative tactics and long ball game, was probably regarded as an unnecessary incitement to wholesale rebellion.

So what happens now? Allardyce clearly feels that we need to sign somebody given the injury situation, but who is available? Suggestions anybody?

What is Freddie Ljungberg doing these days?

Remember The Shining - Beware The Leicester Caretaker!

Ok, Jack Nicholson hasn't been linked with the Leicester job yet and all those in the running are more like the two dimensional cartoon villains in Scooby Doo, but nevertheless, the sacking of Sven and his replacement with a caretaker may not be to our advantage this weekend. Remember the last time we came up against a team with a caretaker manager? O'Neill had just parted company with Villa and we rocked up for Avram's first game in charge, and were annihilated. Villa scored four but nobody could have quibbled had the caretaker led side scored seven!

Logic says that Leicester should arrive in a state of disarray, demotivated and with no game plan. But since when has logic ever applied where West Ham are concerned? When we appoint caretakers - Brooking apart - we lose: 2-3 to West Brom and 0-3 to Sunderland; but every other bugger seems to raise their game.

Make no mistake, this is a huge game. Leicester are still equipped to succeed in this division and are only five points behind us as things stand. Victory over them would establish a very handy buffer and keep us in the running at the top of the table; defeat would make the sacking of Sven and the adulation of Allardyce look stupid, especially as Leicester seem to have no idea of who they want to replace him. Dreams of O'Neill's return were always extremely optimistic and it was no surprise to me when he announced yesterday that he doesn't want the job. He has his eye on a bigger stage - like Tottenham.

So, the big question is, can the would be England manager outwit a caretaker? If not, maybe yet another new broom will be needed at Upton Park before the season's end!

Grant, Zola & Curbishley all neck and neck for Leicester job!

Well the headline is a little misleading I accept because all three are well down the field of candidates, but Avram, Alan and Franco are all listed at the same price by William Hill at 20-1. And with O'Neill likely to rule himself out over the next 48 hours and Grayson saying he isn't interested, one of the terrible triumvirate may yet be in with a shout of getting the job.

To be honest, all the other 20-1 candidates seem just as unlikely to be appointed as our ex managers, which means it has to be one of Mark Hughes, Rafa Benitez, Lee Clark or Billy Davies. Unless a rabbit is going to be pulled from the hat - McClaren needs work and is an ex England manager just like Sven!

How about Venables? Lineker likes him! Where is Oneday Ramos these days? Could Poyet be tempted to leave Brighton? Or McDermott from Reading?

Here's hoping the board are still deliberating when Leicester show up at the Boleyn at the weekend - the last thing we need is O'Neill swallowing his pride and deciding to lead a Leicester charge for the Prem. But surely he will hold out for a bigger club? How much longer can McCarthy hang on at Wolves for example? Or the Spurs job if Redknapp gets the nod for England.

And for now, let's just imagine Turds, Grant and Zola all sitting in a room awaiting interview. "What will you say if they ask you about West Ham?" one asks. "I'll blame Nani" says Turds. "I'll blame you," says Zola. "I'll tell them I did my usual job," replies Grant!

Hall Earning His Oats At Oxford

One of the depressing things about Allardyce is his reluctance to trust the kids. I can't remember what his record was like at Bolton and Blackburn when it came to blooding youngsters, but I seem to remember Bolton being packed with a collection of old lags.

Whilst we are stuttering, lacking pace and creativity, two of our kids seem to be creating quite an impression. I know that they are playing in the bottom tier of league football, but both Robert Hall and Montano seem to be pulling up a few trees and putting down a few markers. Some of us got excited when Montano was called back from his loan at Notts County, only for him to be sent straight out on loan to Swindon. Meanwhile, just up the road in Oxford, Hall is banging in the goals at a rate of knots!

Hall currently has a return of 6 goals from 9 starts and I don't care what division he is in, that is impressive for a kid. Personally, I can't see the point of slugging your way into the Prem with a team not equipped to stay there, when you could be grooming young talent whilst in the Championship and evolving a vibrant young team that might just surprise a few people in the top division.

Part of the problem was the stupid decision to reduce the number of subs from seven to five this season. It was obvious to anybody with half a brain that this would restrict the opportunities of young players who might otherwise occupy the bench and come on for the last 15 minutes with a game all but won. Just imagine Montano and Hall coming off the bench when we were 4-0 up at home to Blackpool for example.

Hall has been talked about for some time now, playing above his age band for England. In days gone by, West Ham managers would have been giving bright young talent a chance. But instead Allardyce is looking at Diouf and starting old lags like Carew and Piquionne. We could be missing a trick here!

QPR v Chelsea: John Terry You ******* White ****, You ********

I'm not sure where I stand on this one to be honest. Leave out the word black and what Terry is alleged to have said to Anton seems fair enough to me. Even when he wore a West Ham shirt, many Hammers fans would have agreed with Terry's character appraisal of a guy who is certainly an A1 twat at times.

So, why does the word black suddenly make it so terrible? Because it is racist apparently. But if Terry had called Anton a "Black genius" would that be racist? Is it racist to say "Black footballer" or "Black politician" or "Black cleric"? I'm pretty certain that black is still used as an adjective to designate somebody with what is thought of as "black" skin, albeit skin is rarely, if ever, truly black. What about the MOBO awards? Why is it acceptable to offer awards for music of black origin exactly? Can you imagine the outrage if we had MOWO awards, and excluded black artists in this way?

Turn it around, if somebody called Terry a "fcuking white cnut" would that be deemed racist? Surely the offence is in all the words other than the word designating colour, rather than the black or white word itself?

Now I accept that context is all here, but that is what Terry is arguing as his defence isn't it? And, as unpopular as this may be, I do think context is crucial. Last night, after he lost possession and didn't back track, I yelled, "Get back Faubert you lazy French bastard!" Now I accept that in cold print that could be deemed racist, but one of my best friends is French (God isn't that the standard defence? - But it is true!) and I have enjoyed many wonderful holidays in France. Thiery Henry is one of my favourite ever players (even after that hand ball against Ireland) and I was cheering on France against New Zealand in the rugby World Cup final.

The point is, in the heat of the game, I yelled out something I would not say ordinarily. It was not intended as a slur on all French people, it was a verbal attack on Faubert who happens to be French - although I accept that the fact he is lazy conforms to a stereotype about the French. But if he was Trojan, I would have called out "Get back Faubert you lazy Trojan bastard!" irrespective of the claim that somebody "works like a Trojan"! I wasn't thinking stereotypes, I wasn't thinking at all, I was exploding in ire - just like Terry on Sunday.

This is not a defence of racism nor is it a personal defence for a man who, for the most part, I find loathsome, but it is a plea against hypocrisy and over reaction. If Terry is a racist, then I'm sure Ashley Cole will tell us. But Terry is a popular captain in a multiracial Chelsea dressing room isn't he? So how can a few angry words in the heat of battle contradict this? Tell me, what was worse, Terry's angry words or Drogba's two footed tackle? I know that if my livelihood depended upon it, I would prefer to be verbally abused rather than see Drogba flying into me in a potential career ending two footed challenge. So why the silence on Drogba's challenge and the fuss about John's Terry's ill advised combination of words.

When I was little I was taught "Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you". We know now that this is untrue, but  "A Drogba two footed tackle may break your bones and names on a football pitch can't hurt you that much" remains true when we are talking adults. The Suarez case is totally different. If he did use the N word repeatedly against Evra then the FA should throw the book at him. If Terry had used the N word instead of black, there could be no defence in my book. But as things stand, I believe people are making a mountain out of a hillock. If the allegations are true, Terry should apologise and we should move on. That would be the adult and mature response. To involve the police is bloody stupid. Arrest Drogba for attempted GBH first!

Five Points Above 13th Place!

The Allardyce acolytes, suplicants at the throne of Satan in my book, keep pointing to the table as if Allardyce is working a miracle at West Ham; but the fact is, we sit in second place only on the basis of goal difference and Leeds, Hull and Birmingham all have games in hand which could see them climb level or above us - depending on who beats who of course!

Winning ugly is being used as an excuse for abandoning everything the club stands for, but the results hardly merit such a betrayal of values. If we were pulling clear, leaving the clutch of also-rans in our wake, then fair enough. But we are not. Like a turd, we are floating on the surface of the puddle, but with a whole pile of shit within touching distance below. A few bad results, and we will be where Leicester are now - and look at how Sven's performance has been judged!

Time will prove our result at Brighton to be no better than average; and our performance was nothing short of disgraceful! Allardyce's apologists point to three games where we have bagged four goals already this season, but the Forest and Watford games seem an age away now, and Blackpool played like the donkeys that the resort is famous for. When we have played a half decent side, we have looked decidedly average.

And fair enough, we may be precisely that - a very, very ordinary team indeed, unable to impose itself on any team other than rank opponents playing below form. But that wasn't true last season was it? Sure we were found wanting in the Prem, but we looked comfortable against Championship teams didn't we? Grant had a 100% record in those fixtures so there is an argument that we have gone backwards in terms of quality since Doctor Evil took charge.

I am more optimistic than that. I believe that we have the quality in the squad to boss games in this division - but only if the players are encouraged to play a more expansive game. Look at how isolated Carew was yesterday evening. It was as bad as any game last season with poor Cole parked up top on his own and a wilderness of empty space between him and the midfield. That was bad enough in the Prem; it is utterly inexcusable against the "quality" of opposition in the Championship.

It's all very well for Allardyce to moan about our inability to hold on to the ball but how often could you have thrown a blanket over the team? We were sitting so damn deep and there was nobody to pass to most of the time; so inevitably it was booted long with more hope than intent. I was ranting before the introduction of Sears, demanding to know why Allardyce was waiting for the equaliser before he tried to change the game. When the change came, it was enforced, and even then Allardyce opted to retain the same shape rather than present Brighton with a new challenge based on 4-4-2, with Baldock running through a very mediocre Brighton back four.

We were so lucky that Brighton failed to net just before half time. Had they done so, we would have lost the game. A penalty should probably have been awarded when Reid moved his arm to the ball to deflect that cross out for a corner in the second half and had Mr Friend pointed at the spot, there would have been only one winner of the game - and it wouldn't have been West Ham.

Forget the table for now, look at the performances. We were shit at Millwall, shit at home to Peterborough, shit against Ipswich, shit at Southampton, shit at Brighton and very, very average at Palace. So, leaving aside the Blackpool game - when we played 4-4-2, we have been crap for some weeks now. Our luck will run out soon, mark my words. And God help us if O'Neill arrives at Upton Park as the manager of Leicester this weekend. How ironic would that be?

Give Allardyce the credit he deserves!

(Article submitted by Kevin in Manchester in response to "Allardyce shows his true colours")

You are wrong on so many levels to criticise Allardyce on the back of lat night's victory over Brighton.


Firstly Sam laid out his plan even before the season started ... play like security dogs away and more expansively at home. So the home bit hasn't worked out- the more reason why he should cling onto every point away from home. He also expressed last night how disappointed he was with the way we used the ball...not his fault if the players can't pass and and control a ball. 

Secondly .. listening to Poyet after the game was pure West Ham.. we were beat but we played the best football.. well, that will get you what you deserve, as you say mid table or worse.

Thirdly earlier in the season you were warning that we had not played any of the big teams and I think you quoted Brighton .. well, now we have been there and tonked them. So rejoice!

Fourthly we are a classic championship side - a collection of old war horses, has beens, not quite good enoughs and youngsters with potential but still scarred from three years of mismanagement and disaster. You say we should wipe the floor with average teams but why? We are an average team .. which is what most of your posts subconsciously or otherwise admit and what I believe is at the root cause of your rage: you can't accept it even though you know it.

Fifthly we have stuck four goals past four sides this season already -  and I can't remember if West ham have ever managed that before, so to characterise the team as clueless hoofers is just wrong.

Finally give the guy a break: he's been in charge for 13 league games and in that time shipped out 19 and imported 12 players, and still managed to score more goals and win more games than all bar Southampton, a well drilled team that's played together for a couple of seasons now.

Allardyce shows his true colours

In the Wife of Bath's Tale, the Knight is given a choice: does he want to be married to a beautiful woman who he can never trust, or would he rather have an ugly hag for a wife who would never sleep around because nobody would ever fancy her. Well, I know what I would prefer, but it seems there's a whole crowd of West Ham fans out there who would opt for the ugly old dog to walk up the aisle with them. In fact, why am I surprised? I've seen what passes for women in the Boleyn and the Duke of Edinburgh!

I have already blogged that last night's performance was just about the most depressing I have ever seen from West Ham. Keeping with the Chaucer analogy, what is the point of having sex if it makes you feel physically sick whilst you are doing it, and actually vomit when you think back to the experience? Watching our performance last night was like going into a prison's showers! In fact, the prison's showers might just about rate above it!

But even more depressing is the fact that Allardyce is boasting about the performance. Whilst Poyet sounds like the West Ham managers of old, Allardyce is talking like an old lag proud of his crimes. Listen to him! "Our task was to capitalise on the opposition and the way they play, and if we got the first goal to defend it properly," he said. I beg to differ. Our job was to go to Brighton and wipe the floor with a very average team who were in the old Third Division last season.

Allardyce is raving about "an outstanding victory". If Grant had gone to Brighton last season in the Cup, we would have been outraged if we had left with anything other than a victory. Doctor Evil is talking this up as if we have beaten Chelsea on their own dung heap! Brighton will finish in the bottom half of the table - mark my words! They are a poor team. But we allowed them 70% of the possession! That is a disgrace!

Tell me, what would have happened had Brighton taken one of their chances? Perhaps the Mucky-Smith shot just before half time? A better team would have engineered a chance or two and, had the equaliser come, there was only ever going to be one winner. We had handed the initiative over to the opposition so utterly that we might as well have been in the prison showers, bending over to pick up the soap with a pot of Vaseline resting on our backs and an arrow pointing down to the Rotherhithe tunnel!

Allardyce's approach is crystal clear and he set out the plan with brutal honesty after the game when he said: "It's a great three points and it determines automatic promotion, generally, how many 1-0 wins you can get. That's what takes you where you want to go."

So, forget the West Ham way, forget the Academy, forget attacking football, forget what our club stands for, forget entertainment, forget Greenwood and Lyall, forget Moore, Hurst, Peters, Brooking, Di Canio and co - forget it all! We are the new Bolton, West Ham Wanderers, Doctor Evil's ugly monster, El Hadji Diouf's club, a spitting image satire of what was once West Ham United.

There's many of you happy to shag an ugly old hag it seems, and even pay for the privilege. Me, I'd much prefer Beauty to the Beast, even if I want to strangle her from time to time!

Leicester Hit Panic Button Sending Sven Flatpacking!

Well, you Foxes fans can't say I didn't call it. My post on Saturday about Sven's imminent dismissal made it to the top of the Leicester City News Now board and on October 16 I asked, "How long before Leicester plat pack Sven and send him back to IKEA?"

Irate Leicester fans told me then that I didn't know what I was talking about and to focus on my own club. Apparently, the fans were happy with the mediocrity that Sven's ensemble were serving up!

Well the Board clearly weren't and the 3-0 stuffing at home to hopeless Millwall was the final straw for the bespectacled Swede. You can't help but think that this is a premature panic response from a Board that have wagered the full wad and cannot afford for it all to go wrong. Pundits have pointed out that Leicester are just two points away from a playoff place and in this crazy division, who is to say that they won't be in the top two by the end of November, with or without Sven?

Who will replace him? Martin O'Neil is surely wishful thinking; would he really take such an obvious and embarrassing step backwards? Why would Simon Grayson leave Leeds for little old Leicester? More wishful thinking surely? So what about Alan "Turds" Curbishley? He needs the work!

Brighton 0 West Ham 1 - A Shameful Display of Crude Cowardice

That was truly shameful. The pragmatists will say it is all about the win and credit a "brilliant defensive display" - but they are kidding themselves. Brighton are a poor team. They made poor decisions all night and, despite the good footballing ethos of Poyet, couldn't pass their way around a set of M25 bollards. But we are not here to discuss Brighton, this is a West Ham blog, although what I witnessed tonight had nothing to do with West Ham United. The performance was rank and any half decent side would have slaughtered us.

How many chances did we create? None. Oh yes we scored, but only because a dozy Brighton defender dwelt on the ball and Harper gave Nolan seven eighths of the goal to shoot at. Even then Captain Kev put it so close to the Barcodes' understudy that he got both hands to the ball. Fortunately for us, his positioning was so poor that he simply deflected it into the corner of the goal. Nolan did his turkey celebration and he was spot on. It was a shocking shot which my Mum would have saved had somebody sorted out her positioning for her.

And apart from that, what was there? Did we string three passes together all night? If so, I missed it. Who played well? Faubert was shit. Nolan, the goal apart, was anonymous offensively. Collison barely touched the ball after the third minute. Carew was ordinary at best. Diop was ponderous. Noble was dozy. McCartney overhit freekicks appallingly. O'Brien was done a couple of times out on the right and never crossed the halfway line all night. Both Faye and Reid were dragged out of position during the last 15 minutes of the first half. Sears buzzed around a bit after he came on but the end product, as usual, was poor. Piquionne floated like a butterfly and stung like...a butterfly. And Baldock was brought on for two minutes! Almunia had to make one save all night!

At one stage, the corner count stood at 8-0 in Brighton's favour and the possession 65% to 35% in the Seagull's favour. That is shameful. It was crude, cynical, unimaginative, defensive, long ball, inept, tedious, embarrassing stuff, Doctor Evil football at it's very worst. And why? Brighton were there for the taking. A decent team playing 4-4-2 could have taken them apart but Harper had a night off apart from that lucky, lucky, Nolan strike. Dear God when we won two corners, we took them short and we had the farcical situation for the second of a return pass from Faubert to Noble, with "Mr West Ham" standing offside. What a joke!

We are in second place, the apologists will scream. We are five points ahead of Leicester and they have just sacked their manager I will reply. Brighton have shit players trying to play decent football; we have a decent bunch of players and Allardyce is shrouding them in a cloak of fear. You guys can kid yourselves if you like but I know that I witnessed one of the most mediocre West Ham performances I have ever seen tonight. If that is football, then football as a spectator sport is dead.

Player ratings:

Almunia 7; O'Brien 5, Faye 6, Reid 6, McCartney 6; Diop 5, Noble 5, Faubert 5, Nolan 5, Collison 4, Carew 5 Subs: Sears 6, Piquionne 5, Baldock - did he get a kick?

4-5-1 Again - No Baldocks!

So Doctor Evil is as scared of Brighton as he was of Southampton - even more so in fact because he isn't even starting Baldock for this game!

So, it is 4-5-1 with the goal threat offered by...well Carew and Nolan who can't hit Faubert's arse from three feet at the moment.

Faubert and Collison on the flanks don't scream goals do they? Whilst Noble and Diop are hardly bristling with goal scoring potential. It is a craven team, a team that says Allardyce is hoping for a 1-0 victory or a 1-1 draw.

No Cole on the bench again. What is his problem? And the resources are so stretched that Moncur is counted amongst the subs. Surely it is time to bring Montano back from loan if we are having to select kids anyway?

Low flying seagulls had better beware because Allardyce's long ball merchants are in town!

The team:

Almunia

O'Brien, Faye, Reid, McCartney

Diop Noble

Faubert  Nolan  Collison

Carew

Subs Boffin, Moncur, Sears, Piquionne, Baldock

Allardyce Laments Loss of Arab Investor

Doctor Evil was speechless this morning as he stroked his white cat and lamented the loss of a potential Arab investor whose billions would have taken West Ham "to the next level". Talking ahead of the journey down to the South Coast for the head to head battle with play off contenders Brighton and Hove Albion, a close confidant of Allardyce explained that the deal had been "so so close", only for it all to go down the drain at the last moment.

"Mr Allardyce had a vision of bringing together a confederation of like minded people at Upton Park", explained Lee Vitout. "He scoured the world looking for suitable investors and hit upon the idea of providing a safe haven for Muammar Gaddafi's money. The deal was all but done, only for Gaddafi to be found in that storm drain and executed. Mr Allardyce was shattered by the sad news, as were the owners, Mr Sullivan and Mr Gold, and their little Princess, Lady Brady."

He continued, "When pulled from the drain Mr Gaddafi pleaded to be allowed to live so he could turn West Ham United into a Champions League team and sadly, this cost him his life. We have it on very good authority that the man who executed him is a Tottenham fan and a Mossad agent. So once again, our hated rivals have come between West Ham United and glory."

There was, however, one piece of good news. Mr Vitout explained, "They found El Hadji Diouf in the same storm drain as Gaddafi and agreed to allow him to come to West Ham in lieu of Gaddafi's billions. So at least we have one more plank in place for Mr Allardyce's vision of the Claret and Blue axis of evil."

The owners are now apparently hoping for a coup in North Korea because they understand that Kim Jong-Il has expressed an interest in buying a London club if ever deposed and is attracted by the Olympic Stadium because of the potential it offers for parking tanks on the running track.

QPR Stun Chelsea

Well played Warnock's boys! I must confess that I expected Rangers to get a spanking, but the form book in the Prem was turned upside down as the Rs took a giant stride towards safety. That is certainly three extra points banked against anything achieved by Grant led West Ham United and gives QPR real hope that they might make this stay in the Premiership extend beyond the single season.

I haven't seen the game and don't know whether the red cards were merited or not but no matter, it is the points that count at the end of the day; and QPR claimed them. Fernandes must be feeling cock a hoops after poking Abromovich in the eye so decisively !

So, far from being sucked down into the relegation dog fight as I predicted, QPR are sitting pretty on 12 points, in tenth place in the table. There are echoes of Pardew's first season up in the Prem here - we remember fondly the 3-2 victory at Arsenal - and that ended with the epic Cup Final against Liverpool!

Great result and, contrary to opinion amongst some Rs, I am genuinely delighted.

On and upwards as the actress said to the bishop? We shall see.

Allardyce Sums Up Diouf Perfectly!

Anthropologists from around the world are hurrying to Chadwell Heath after Doctor Evil alerted them to the fact that Hell Hadji Diouf is the man they have been looking for since time immemorial. Explaining why he is having a "good look" at the Spitting Fury, Allardyce honestly said that Diouf "could be" the "missing link"!

We would never have guessed Sam!

The Championship Table Screams Mediocrity and Allardyce Incompetence!

OK, we have a game in hand but it is away to Brighton and, after our tame performance at Southampton, does anybody genuinely feel confident that we will take more than one point from that one? Let's just consider the table on the basis of a share of the spoils with the Seagulls shall we?

At the top sit Southampton, a modest team well managed and organised. They have Lallana and Lambert, but both have spent too many years in the lower divisions to be anything special. Dear God, when they beat us, they started David Connolly! I thought he had been put out with the rubbish years ago! But even though Southampton are no more than ordinary and were playing in the old Third Division last season, they sit proudly on top of the pile.

In second are Boro, who come Tuesday morning will probably be sitting two points ahead of us, still occupying second spot! Now I defy you to name a Boro player who would interest a Premiership side, outside of young players who have "potential" and who would sit on the bench or disappear into the reserves.

And who is in third? Crystal bloody Palace and they are shite!

Leeds are now level on points with us from the same number of games played and just two points separates us from 13th spot in the table! That may be three points - one result - come Tuesday morning.

My point? All along I have been challenging this absurd notion that we have made a good start to the season. I told everybody that would listen - and most of you just hurled insults back - that we were in a false position down to a run of easy fixtures at the start of the season and that our poor performances were a better measure than our position in the table.

Now we can see what our "good start" has amounted to. Leeds fans were calling for Grayson's head because they had started so poorly - but Leeds are level on points with us. Most would agree than Sven has done a terrible job at Leicester so far, but they are only 2 points shy of us at the moment. Ispwich shipped 7 at Peterborough but they are just 1 point behind us this morning. We all saw with our own eyes just how shit Blackpool are, but they are on our shoulder.

Look at that table and our results and tell me that Allardyce has done a good job so far! We are now into the run of more challenging fixtures and the defeat at Southampton shows how artificial and frail was our second spot. Sure we may yet win at Brighton and may yet climb back into second place, but the division is squeezed together like an old soap box and whilst teams like Leeds are gelling and pushing on after a shaky start to the season, we are still stuttering, not even knowing our best shape, never mind the best personnel to fit that shape. And that is down to Allardyce.

With Taylor struggling with a deep seated injury, Bentley out for the season and rumours that Lansbury is out for two months, we have no alternative for the left of midfield. So it is Diouf time seemingly. Well, better the devil you know eh Doctor Evil?

This is a piss poor division crammed with mediocrity but I have seen no evidence so far that we are going to storm it!

Leicester to sack Sven?

I asked last week how long it would be before Sven would be flat packed back to IKEA; and one smart arsed Leicester fan came on and posted, "I'm not going to get too worked up about one defeat (away at Birmingham, yeah that's always easy) seeing as though we were unbeaten in 7 before that. We'll have 6 points from the next 2 games, and we'll be in the top 6 as a result."

Hmmm. What's that saying about counting your chickens before they have hatched or counting your Ulrikas before you have got them into the sack? Today's 3-0 home thumping by lowly Millwall means that Leicester languish in 13th place in the table.

Will Sven still be in charge when Leicester come to Upton Park? I bloody hope so!

Ilunga Excelling at Doncaster!

Apparently Doncaster are paying Ilunga £2,000 a week whilst we meet the other £24,000, but boy are we getting value for money just to keep him 169 miles away from Upton Park! Since Rita was drafted into the team, Doncaster have shipped 8 goals in 3 games, losing all three matches in the process!

And before Ilunga's selection? Well the Rovers had put together a run of three unbeaten games, including two wins and a draw, conceding just 2 goals in the process!

£2k a week? Poor Doncaster are being ripped off! And to think, I made him Hammer of the Year in his first season with the club; but that was before he landed that obscene contract of course.

Do you know, Ilunga may end up rated as one of the worst players ever to wear Claret and Blue! But then why should we be surprised given it was Nani who brought him to the club! Just like he brought Savio, Kovac, Lopez, Diamanti, Daprela, Jimenez, Lastuvka...

QPR's Dyer Aiming for December Return!

You have to laugh. Kieron Dyer is apparently five weeks ahead of schedule in his latest recovery programme and is already out of his protective shoe according to the increasingly desperate Warnock. Protective shoe? This guy needs to be in a protective bubble and should never set foot outside of it.

As we speak, Kieron is coming under attack from all sorts of major hazards. A sneeze will tear stomach muscles, a slightly raised kerb will break a toe, falling pianos are perched on rooftops waiting for him to pass, pelican crossings are flashing "walk" as the lights show green for the cars, birds carrying avian flu are gathered on telegraph lines outside Dyer's home, and al qaeda are plotting Kieron's movements, trailing him with his very own personalised suicide bomber.

What chance Dyer returning in December? Absolutely none. As soon as the guy starts to run, something will pull, or strain or tear. Mind you, West Ham are probably trying to sign him on loan as we speak, agreeing to pay his wages to save QPR money!

QPR Teetering on the Edge of the Premiership Abyss

QPR host Chelsea tomorrow, with the handshake between the gnarled and belligerent Warnock and the suave and sophisticated Villas-Boas serving as the perfect metaphor for the gulf between the two teams. Chelsea have a swagger in their play at present, QPR a stagger. Chelsea's reserves could probably give Warnock's boys a run for their money and not a single QPR player would make it into Chelsea's squad, never mind Villas-Boas' team.

So, only one result is possible right? Well wrong, of course, because football doesn't work like that. If it did, none of us would have to work because we could all put our mortgages on the results of games like this. The QPR boys will be fired up and Chelsea may have an off day after the 5-0 blitzing of Ghent. Stranger things have happened.

But even then, most would be amazed if QPR can muster more than a single point from the game - and I fully expect Chelsea to win by a two or three goal margin - at least. Torres is suspended, but that doesn't really matter. Warnock has lamented the loss of DJ Campbell, whilst Villas Boas will barely notice that Torres isn't available for selection - and that says it all!

And for QPR, a heavy home defeat will see them slide further down the table. Bolton and Sunderland meet, so one or both of these bottom four teams will edge closer. Indeed, victory for either is likely to see them climb above QPR in the table on goal difference. That is an uncomfortable prospect and puts the "good start" to the season into perspective just as the more difficult fixtures are about to start. A winner in the Wolves v Swansea game will also see the victors leapfrog QPR, pushing them still lower in the table. And the same applies to the victors in the Fulham and Everton game.

The bottom of the Premiership is closing up concertina fashion and QPR are going to have to play out of their skins over the next month to avoid being in the bottom three come the start of December. With unrest in the camp courtesy of Barton's comments about Adel Taarabt, things could start to fall apart big time as the pressure mounts.

Unless, of course, Warnock's Rangers shock us all by beating Chelsea tomorrow. Wright-Phillips has something to prove, doesn't he?

No Tevez, Diouf Instead!

One looks like an ugly troll and is the most reviled footballer on the face of this earth, and the other is the devil incarnate. So, missing out on Tevez and replacing him with Diouf is, in many ways wonderfully appropriate. The trouble is, Tevez is a genius and Diouf is just an out and out cnut!

Already one Hammers fan has posted on here that if Allardyce wants Diouf, then we should back his judgement; and I suspect that Hell's Hadji can "do a job" in the Championship. But, with respect, that is missing the point. This is a man who has literally spat at West Ham fans. This is a man who is hated and loathed up and down the land, with the Boleyn the epicentre of contempt. This is a man who represents the antithesis of every value our club has ever stood for!

God, the sooner we move to the OS the better! Animal though he is, I doubt even Diouf can gob the full distance of a running track!

Here comes Frankenstein's Monster!

It was always inevitable. You appoint Doctor Evil and it is only a matter of time before you will have a stable of evil bastards, all spitting fury. Diop and Faye were the outriders, crude mechanicals paving the way for the arrival of the sperm, or phlegm, of Satan.

And so it comes to pass that a shadow has fallen across Chadwell Heath. The gates of Hell have creaked open and a fiend has slipped out, its throat clogged with bile and its forked tail poking unapologetically out of its arse.

Strange lamentations are heard in the air and a falcon, towering in her pride of place, is, by a mousing owl hawk'd at and kill'd. By the clock tis day, and yet dark night strangles the travelling lamp. Is it night's predominance or the day's shame, that darkness does the face of earth entomb, when living light should kiss it?

The creature opens its dull yellow eye and approaches Allardyce, muttering the words, "You are my father!"

Watch out, there's a spitting Diouf about!

Allardyce not committed to West Ham

I don't know about anybody else but I'm getting right royally hacked off by Allardyce tarting himself for the England job. How long has he been at the club for pity's sake? But here he is again, hitching up his skirt outskirt Wembley Stadium inviting, "I'm Sammy, try me."

That's probably why he is persisting with 4-5-1, they are vital statistics for international football these days and Doctor Evil has to prove he can perform every which way to impress the bowler hat brigade who run the game.

But his courting of the job is utterly inappropriate. Greenwood was invited to manage England and accepted the post with humility, describing it as an honour. Prior to his appointment, nobody heard Ron putting himself in the frame. He had a job to do at West Ham and was focused on that.

Allardyce should follow Greenwood's example and show loyalty to his employer instead of parading himself in the shop window like a whore in Amsterdam.

The Campaign to Save The Boleyn

Regular readers of this blog will know I have been opposed to the move to the Olympic Stadium from the off. I've never believed the tosh about it being a stepping stone to great things, for me it has always been a way of releasing the land in Green Street for redevelopment, reimbursing Sullivan and Gold's investment in the club and offering profit potential as they then cut and run, finding a mug to buy a team without a home, a club stripped of its heritage and soul.

Too late, opposition is mounting. There's a call for consultation and a sudden panic because the consequences of being tenants is beginning to dawn. I have been invited to lead a campaign on this blog, and I'm happy to lend my voice, but to what end?

Does anybody believe Sullivan and Gold give a toss about what the fans want? Do me a favour! Want to know their game? Well check out the ticket number for Southampton FC - it starts 0800 and so is freephone. Why would Saints seek to rip off their ticket buying fans? But West Ham? That's 0871 and a 10p per minute charge of course. If you've not tried ringing it yet, give it a go. See how quickly you connect and find yourself in the queue. Then check out how long you wait, the minutes ticking by as the cost builds up. On the other end, sales reps no doubt work to an "optimum answer time" - long enough to ensure the call generates as much ancillary revenue as possible, but not so long that the caller rings off, losing the sale. It stinks.

So, I will support the campaign and offer whatever publicity the campaigners may wish on this site. I admire their passion but I do suspect that it is all too late. Dear God, but for the belated change of heart by the OLC, the deal would be done and dusted by now.

There's a meeting scheduled for Hamilton Hall, Liverpool Street tomorrow evening (the 20th), kicking off at 7pm, to discuss how opposition to the move can be coordinated. Quite why it is not on a match day at a venue close to the ground is beyond me.  If we want a poll, why not petition the fans outside the ground and copy the Mancs by coming up with an alternative scarf. Maybe it could be green, with the name Barratt in white down it!

The offer to help is there guys and I wish you luck.

Allardyce fails to apologise for series of poor decisions.

Why can't managers come clean and admit, "I fcuked up"? Just once in a while it would be refreshing to hear and we would end up respecting them just a little bit more. The fact is, we lost last night because Allardyce got a whole host of decisions wrong.

Firstly, the change to 4-5-1 / 4-3-3; I warned that a shift away from 4-4-2 would constitute a surrender before the first ball had been kicked. Worse still, he picked the wrong personnel for the formation. I heard the team and thought, "Great 4-4-2" but that was not how we set up. Square pegs in round holes don't work! We should know that by now!

Worse still, when given a chance to correct the mistakes by the injury to Taylor, he sent on Piquionne instead of OBrien, Collison or Noble, all of whom were more logical replacements. The substitution was so perverse that I was convinced Grant and Zola had returned as a management team!

Worse still he gambled incorrectly on Taylor's fitness. The guy obviously has a problem and buggering around playing him when not fit isn't going to do him or the team any favours whatsoever. There are some talking about Taylor as our "most creative player". What an indictment that is of the others! Taylor is a hustler with a wicked set piece delivery, but he aint a Glenn Hoddle or a Gazza is he? Yes he is a useful player but he shouldn't be critical to a side's chances of beating a team who were in the old Third Division last season! Anyway, watching him retire from the action inside 20 minutes reminded me of Dyer. If he has an injury, Doctor Evil has to rest him. And Allardyce is to blame for not having a natural replacement - some of us would like to see Montano back where he belongs!

God knows why Collison wasn't used. Is he carrying an injury? In which case, why did we start one player with an injury and have a replacement on the bench also injured? If he wasn't injured, why the bloody hell wasn't he brought on? When Taylor was struggling, I expected Collison - I was disappointed he hadn't started. Instead, we had the Grantesque decision to use Freddie the Fly Tipper. Dear God, Piquionne even took a corner! What the fcuk was that about?

Had we gone in 4-4-2, we might have won. We gave Southampton a psychological boost from the off and paid them far too much respect for most of the match. If Allardyce aint careful, the crowd will turn. We hit long hopeful balls far too often last night and looked devoid of creative ideas until Noble belatedly entered the fray. Allardyce got decision after decision wrong last night and we gave Southampton a promotion leg up as a result. Player for player, we are a stronger side, but Allardyce imbued fear into the team; and he needs to fess up and say he is sorry to the fans.

Too Disappointing For Words

Conundrum solved? Nope.

I got back too late from the game to write a report last night and this morning I really don't want to think about it. Winter is coming and it was dark when the alarm went off for the first time in months. That seemed horribly appropriate.

We gave them too much respect. We were two divisions apart last season and, apart from the first 5 minutes and the last 15, we played as if Southampton were a Premiership side already.

Sorry, but it was all too disappointing for words.

QPR's Warnock to Sign Team of Trolls

Apoplectic because confidential information was shared on a blog, Neil Warnock has sworn revenge by recruiting a team of trolls to attack the sites of any bloggers he takes issue with. Explaining the placing of adverts for "Angry Trolls" Warnock said: "Christmas dwarfs need not apply. I realise that, because of the Tory fuelled double dip recession, work will be thin on the ground for those little chappies this winter, but they are far too kind hearted to meet my needs."

He continued: "Dwarfs are no good to me whatsoever and will be thrown out of the window should they turn up at interview. I am looking for real trolls, mean little bastards who know how to mix it, a team of mini Joey Bartons who can put the boot into the shins of these bloggers and headbut them in the bollocks."

He added: "I've already recruited a few and they are targeting certain sites as we speak. There's one twat who supports West Ham who seems to revel in attacking me personally at every opportunity. I've got that shit's number and my nasty little bastards are planning to give him a right going over!"

Asked exactly what he is looking for, Warnock replied, "The ideal candidates will be short, ugly and as petulant as hell." Mr Warnock's reply to the suggestion that Carlos Tevez would appear to fit the bill perfectly was, I am afraid to say, unpublishable. When the tirade subsided about how Tevez cost him his job at Shafting United, however, Warnock added, "My trolls need to be exactly like my players. They don't need to be particularly talented but they have to be hungry to get stuck in and they must possess a very nasty streak indeed with no sense of humour whatsoever. I plan on calling them my GRRRRs." Warnock cut short the interview when davefking arrived applying for the job.

This site, of course, expects the usual attack of GRRRR trolls as soon as this report features on the News Now boards!

Spurs invent new Olympic Sport - Spanner Throwing!

So, Tottenham are no longer pursuing their legal action; well there's a shocker! Having put a spanner in the works and brought the machine to a grinding halt, they have now decided to throw the spanner away. Well, why waste money fighting a case you have already won?

The big question is why exactly the journalists consider this newsworthy? Had Spurs decided to press ahead with the case it would have been headline news because we would all be wondering what they were trying to achieve.

So, how about a few more pointless articles whilst we are about it?  How about Messi won't join West Ham in January or Tevez not joining Spurs maybe or Redknapp is a dodgy wheeler dealer perhaps?

Welcome to the Bloody Obvious to Everybody News!

Watch and Enjoy - And you won't need a box of Kleenex!

It's been a long time coming, as the actress said to the Bishop.

So, let's savour the moment!

Watch and enjoy!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/15326827.stm

4-4-2 or 4-5-1 at Southampton?

The debate is raging: should Doctor Evil revert to 4-5-1 for the table topping head to head at St Mary's, or should he stick with a winning formula, retaining 4-4-2 and going for Southampton's throat?

There's no doubt in my mind. To change a winning team would be to show fear and we have nothing to be scared of! Southampton are a goodish team but nothing more. I like Lallana and Lambert but they're not Modric and Rooney are they?

There's suggestions that Allardyce fears being outnumbered in midfield but the best way to combat Southampton's undeniable attacking threat is to give them something to worry about at the back. Two banks of four is a great way of smothering a game when you don't have the ball, and with two men up front you have a much better chance of hitting a team on the break. With Diop anchoring, the full backs can push on when we are in possession and I have a hunch that Nolan could join Baldock and Carew on the score sheet if we go into the game looking to outscore our opponents.

Why give Southampton a psychological boost before a ball has been kicked? Allardyce should say to the team, "Same again lads, now go out and justify my confidence in your ability!" If he reverts to 4-5-1 the message will be the opposite, Doctor Evil will be admitting that he is scared of a team of Saints!

QPR's Warnock Blames The Bloggers!

Dear God, the man has a history of pointing the finger I know - The referee cost us...we were only relegated because of Tevez...if you can't defend corners...it's the bloody boots - but it's pushing it a bit to blame some poor sod of a blogger who shares news with fellow fans!

OK, I can see Warnock's point when he says that the information was sensitive and could help the opposition, but how was Steve Kean to know it was true? Bloody hell, if opposition managers based their tactics on every single bit of internet tittle tattle, they would be in a right old pickle! Ollie Gummage would have been picking five different teams on Saturday to cope with the various sides being proposed by West Ham bloggers, and I'm sure there were plenty of QPR bloggers suggesting that Taarabt  (how hard is that name to spell?) and Buzsaky would start.

So tell me, how was Steve Kean supposed to zero in on the one blogger in the know? And why would he be reading QPR blogs anyway? I'm sure he is giving a very wide berth to internet blogs at the moment, given 99% of Blackburn fans who express a preference want him sacked.

This is just a stupid piece of bleating by Warnock as he tries to shift the blame for a pretty inept performance. He is perfectly within his rights to flush out the QPR player who passed on the information to the blogger, but he is well out of order for criticising the blogger for sharing that news on the net. Has he never heard the saying, "Don't shoot the messenger"?

But let's face it, what difference could it make anyway? Were Blackburn going to radically change their tactics because DJ Campbell was absent? Come on, we are not talking Ronaldo or Messi here are we? What headline did this blogger use? "Third rate striker ruled out by injury" might be considered appropriate by some!

Warnock should button it and look in the mirror if he wants to know why QPR failed to beat Blackburn. He picks the team and determines the tactics!

Ilunga Maintains Form in Doncaster Debut!

Doncaster 0 Leeds 3. Ilunga at left back. Enough said.
LOL Follow this link!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/15326824.stm
Look at Ilunga for the first Leeds attack!
And who plays the Leeds striker onside for the second goal?
Step up Herita Ilunga! Except he didn't!

Frankel - The Greatest!

Shergar was brilliant. So was Brigadier Gerrard. So was Nijinski. So was Dancing Brave. But none of them compare with Frankel.

He annihilated a superb field in the Queen Elizabeth the Second at Ascot yesterday, and had Queally not restrained him for the first half a mile, he would probably have been out of sight by the finishing post. Frankel was virtually running sideways through that first half mile as Poor Tom tried not to go too early and after he got his head in front, he just cruised away from his high class opponents.

Ali, Pele, Bradman...Frankel is the equine equivalent. Brilliant, just brilliant! And Cecil is promising to keep him in racing next year!

 His eventual reward will be to cover as many mares as his bollocks will allow. And how well he deserves it!

Where was Carlton Cole?

According to Gold's tweet, Cole was available for selection but rested - along with Henri Lansbury. Now in the case of the Arsenal man, that makes perfect sense as he had played for the England U21s. But how much rest does Cole need exactly? He had enjoyed two weeks off as it was!

Doctor Evil was talking him up earlier in the week, encouraging him to target the Euro finals. But he aint going to make it into Fabio's squad if he isn't starting in the Championship, is he?

The really odd thing is that he didn't even feature on the bench. Has something happened behind the scenes? Did Cole say something out of line when he wasn't in the starting eleven? Or did he do a Tevez and refuse to be used as a sub?

It's all been quiet on the Carlton front with no explanation for his absence forthcoming from Allardyce so far. What was obvious to everybody is that Carew and Baldock looked far and away our best pairing up front for some time. So never mind a long road back to the England team, Cole may struggle to hold down a regular starting place in Claret and Blue!

How long before Leicester flat pack Sven and send him back to IKEA?

There has long been a suspicion that Sven has a screw loose - or is a loose screw - but there is a real danger that his expensively assembled Leicester team could soon collapse after some very ordinary results and performances so far this season.

Given all the money spent, the team has an amazingly ordinary look about it. A forward line of Vassells and Nugent isn't going to strike fear into the opposition, even though they have amassed 23 England caps and 7 international goals between them. Both only have a 50% strike rate when aiming at a barn door from 5 yards, whilst Beckford is a moody bastard who is unlikely to respond positively to the Swede's failure to start him.

Former Hammer Konchesky was never great at his best and is another whose two caps say more about the paucity of English born talent than his ability. How out of place did he look in a Liverpool shirt last season? Paintsil is another familiar to Hammers fans and we never saw much to suggest that he was anything other than ordinary. King is decent but nothing more and the same goes for Danns and Fernandes. How has so much been spent to assemble such an ordinary looking team?

Much more mid table mediocrity and Sven will surely be sent flat packing just like another former England manager who was shown the door early up the road in Nottingham. Is it any wonder the England team have won nothing since 66 with clowns like this in charge?

QPR v West Ham - The WarnockGrant Index

So, how good or bad has QPR's start been to the season if compared with our results last season against the teams they have played so far? We finished rock bottom, of course, 5 points shy of the usual safety mark, although a full 7 points short of the necessary total to survive as it turned out. With a whole host of weak teams likely to take points off of each other in the division, my money is on 40 points being the bar to survive this season too. So, to stay up, Warnock's boys need to better our results to the tune of 7 points over the season.

So far, they are not doing too badly! The results at Everton and Wolves put them four points ahead of us, because we drew both games - albeit we were robbed at Wolves when Clattenbung disallowed Piqionne's perfectly good winner with the last kick of the game and at Everton when Piquionne was sent off for celebrating the goal that gave us a 2-1 lead with just 15 minutes remaining. Home points against Aston Villa and Newcastle also bettered our results, because we lost both games. So that is 6 of the necessary points already, and the season is only a quarter old!

But hang on, that 1-1 draw at home to Blackburn exactly matched our result last season - and  when we failed to win it, we knew we were in big, big trouble. That was, for many of us, a nail into the Premiership coffin. If you can't beat Blackburn at home, you don't deserve to stay in the division! Defeats at Wigan and at home to Bolton mirrored our points tally, but we had a net goal difference of minus 3 from the games, to the R's net minus 6 - and goal difference could well be crucial come the end of the season.  Still it is 6 points ahead of our total so far so safety beckons!

But then we come to the Fulham game and that 6-0 trouncing. Craven Cottage is, of course, home from home for West Ham, with only Zola managing to lose there since 1962, but nevertheless, we came away with 3 points, which reduces QPR's advantage to just 3 points from the equivalent games.

However, 3 points is 3 points and if multiplied by 4 (we are a quarter of the way through the season) will see QPR safely across the finishing line on a total of 45 points. So, as things stand, Warnock is out pointing Grant and heading for safety. The trouble is, QPR are unlikely to harvest points against the big teams - and we struggled too - and they haven't met any yet. Those games account for a quarter of the season in their own right, so arguably, we should only be multiplying the advantage so far by 3. But that still sees them safe by two precious, precious points.

I will publish the Index at intervals to give Rangers fans an idea of how they are faring against our experience last year - unless they pull so far clear of the drop that all comparisons become redundant.

Hopefully this post will show that I am not here to knock QPR for the sake of it. My interest is genuine and I hope the Rs survive - but my head tells me that with Warnock in charge, it aint going to happen. He is on top in the Index so far, however, so let's see how things develop!

QPR edge ahead of West Ham in race to sign Beckham

So Fernandes now wants Beckham. He wanted Parker of course. And give him a week or two and no doubt he will express an interest in Tevez.

We have heard it all before at West Ham and know how the publicity machine makes noise to drown out mutterings of concern. After the hammering at Fulham, out came the news that QPR are planning to move to a new stadium, so after yesterday's disappointing home draw against Blackburn, new good news was needed...any good news.

Beckham has turned down a move to France so why shouldn't he move to QPR? It's feasible. Just. There must be a post office somewhere in Shepherds Bush where David can draw his pension. And David loves the boot throwing style of management favoured by Warnock doesn't he? So out comes the story that the man Gold and Sullivan have chased for more than two years - after every defeat in fact - may be lured back to the Premiership by Fernandes.

But hang on, why don't we want him? Well after the 4-0 victory yesterday, there's no noise to drown out. And anyway, we're going to sign Tevez aren't we? Well, that will be the story if we lose to Southampton on Tuesday!

Meanwhile, QPR have slipped into the bottom half of the table following Arsenal's scratchy victory over Sunderland; and West Brom have edged closer. It is getting very bunched at the bottom and once the quicksand takes hold, it is frightening how quickly you sink into the shit. Fernandes is, no doubt, preparing bids for Rooney and Ronaldo as we speak - the lad at Birmingham and the fat, retired Brazilian, of course! Well a Brazilian at the Bush is long overdue!

How good is Southampton's Lambert?

We are getting excited at West Ham about Little Sam Baldock, but how good is Southampton's Rickie Lambert? I scoffed at our proposed purchase of Mucky-Smith, arguing that if he was any good, a Premiership side would have snapped him up long ago, but Lambert is a different kettle of fish.

How on earth has this guy reached the age of 29 without getting a shot at the big time? His finish against Derby yesterday was superb, making the opening with his left foot and burying the chance with his right. That was quality!

He is 6'2" but skilful on the ground, and boy does he know how to find the back of the net, as 112 goals in his last 229 league games shows. True he has been firing them home in the lower divisions but that finish yesterday screamed quality to me. Pardew mistakenly snapped him up for a little over £1million from Bristol Rovers after seeing a picture of songwriter Rick Lambert's wife (pictured below), but he has proved an absolute snip, firing the Saints to promotion last season and to the top of the Championship this.

Tomkins and Reid will have to be on their guard on Tuesday night!

Baldock - The new Michael Owen

Calm down, calm down, it was only the Kings Arms, Blackpool! We have seen this before. A young player has one good game and suddenly he is being compared with the greats. Look at Freddie Sears!

That said, the boy looked good didn't he? True Blackpool were a mess at the back, with Baldock's second literally gift wrapped as tangerine defenders stood around awkwardly like a bunch of paedophile uncles at Christmas as Little Sam opened his present, but the way he took his first screamed quality.

Imagine, for a moment, Carlton clean through like Baldock. Or Sears. Or Piquionne. Or Boa. Or Robbie Keane in a West Ham shirt. We haven't created many chances like that over the last three years, but when we have, most have been missed. It looks easy, but knees turn to jelly, the head spins and panic suffocates the striker's advantage. We will all have our own memories of the missed ones: Cole against Chelsea stands out for me.

But Baldock looked composed. He held his run brilliantly to beat the off side trap and when clean through, he looked up, assessed, and buried the chance beautifully. As Zola discovered with Cole, you can't coach that composure. It is innate. Baldock will miss some - all strikers do - but he will score more than he misses because he is a natural.

It is one game. Blackpool were shocking at the back. Much bigger challenges lie ahead. But Baldock has started well and, in this division at least, looks the part. He may not be the new Michael Owen, but he could just be the new Tony Cottee!

QPR's Warnock Slams Campbell's Carpet Slipper Boots

Poor Neil Warnock is furious that QPR's battle to survive in the Prem will be undermined by the metatarsal injury to key striker D J Campbell. According to Warnock, it is all down to the "carpet slippers" that the modern day footballers wear. It had long been thought that Warnock was giving tactical instructions as he yelled "Leather it!" from the touchline, but now it appears he was simply referring to his player's footwear.

Of course, Campbell's injury may be down to the physical style that Warnock encourages, even on the training field. He has boasted about how he likes his own players to scrap with each other and in Barton and Taarabt has two players who will, at some point, no doubt oblige. To date, it hasn't come to light who else was involved in the "accident" that Campbell suffered in training but prime suspects Joey and Adel apart, a certain Shaun Wright-Phillips has a history of clattering his own team mates - as Dean Ashton can testify!

It is rotten luck for QPR. Just as they get Mackie fit, so they lose Campbell. And all this on top of the surprise injuries to Dyer and Gabbidon. Poor Neil Warnock must be feeling cursed at the moment. The season started so well with those victories at Everton and Wolves, and now cruel fate appears to have it in for the lovable ex Sheffield United boss. Much more of this and Warnock's boys will start looking at the bottom of the table rather than the top, which would be bitterly disappointing given the massive financial injection of Tony Fernandes and plans to move the Rs to a new super stadium.

Fate is so fickle. Warnock, one of football's good guys, does not deserve this and all neutrals will be praying for a rapid turn around in fortunes. The idea that Warnock may suffer relegation at QPR just as he suffered relegation at Sheffield United, is too awful to contemplate. I, for one, will be saying a prayer for Warnock and his charges before I go to bed tonight. Who knows, with Fernandes' untold millions, Neil may land Tevez in January to trigger a highly improbable Great Escape.

Montano opens his Swindon account

He only negotiated the magic roundabout on Friday, but Montano has already bagged his first goal for Swindon. It's only the bottom tier of English football, I know, but scoring goals at any level is a useful habit to develop, especially when you are not an out and out striker.

Meanwhile Di Canio has no doubt been alerted to the availablity of Josh McKenzie, sacked by Redditch this evening for assaulting a referee. There's nothing wrong with decking a referee in Paolo's book of course!