Turds Tantrum

So Turds is upset because Fergy has claimed that Tevez single handedly saved us from the drop last season. Quite right too! Surely Lady Luck deserves at least 50% of the credit! Mind you, it just shows what a Ho she is, climbing into bed with an ugly mother ****** like Carlos!

Yossi Phone Home

So Israeli E.T. lookalike Yossi Benayoun phones home to his Mamma and asks how she is. "Yossi, my boy" she replies, "things are bad back home. Your father has been taken hostage and they are threatening to behead him. The house was pelted last night by a stone throwing mob and your sister was gang raped on her way home from the synagogue." Mamma Benayoun sobs down the phone before continuing, "Yossi, why in the name of Abram did you move us to Liverpool?"

Cluedo

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

The net is closing!

So Interpol are after IKEA Joorabchian (he who "sold" us a flatpack Mascherano that we couldn't work out how to put together!). Never mind arbitration panels and the High Court, the Blunted Blades will be calling for a War Crimes Commission next, claiming Tevez is the son of Josef Mengele!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Irony (Which Bush thinks borders Iraq)

So Reo-Choker is departing. I have only one thing to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the battle's lost and won!

Now let's get this right. The arbitration panel had sympathy for Sheffield United and agreed that they would have deducted points from West Ham had they been conducting the hearing; but nevertheless reached the conclusion that an incorrect decision should stand. That's just about the gist of it isn't it?

So, in the words of Macbeth, "Fair is foul and foul is fair"; or "when the battle's lost and won"! Talk about equivocation! I'm a Hammers fan and I'm beginning to feel sympathy for the blunted Blades. Thank God Warnock's gone or we would never have heard the end of it! As for Red Stripe Robbo, he probably doesn't even realise there was a hearing! One for the road Red Stripe? Sorry, make that one for the river!

Never mind Sheffield, it never rains but it pours eh?

(Cue Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening and in rain. Where the place? The Championship. There to meet with...Colchester!)

Pole Dancing in St John's Wood

So, after a fantastic day with Andy, Mike, Martin and friends watching a fairly routine victory over the Windies at Lords, we ended up in the Castle for a few pints and who did we bump into? Only Graham "I'm more misunderstood than Reo Choker" Poll !!! What a twat!

Poll was holding court to anybody who would lick his arse (although, surprise, surprise, he had no mates of his own!). Sadly, I could not resist the temptation of boasting to Mr Poll that I am a teacher and pointing out that in my profession we all have a common duty. Graham asked what duty and I replied, to teach numeracy, and specifically the difference between two yellow cards and three; the Special One (as in Needs!) was not amused!

Very interestingly, during our chat (Poll pontificating in truth) the numerically challenged one confessed to match fixing - claiming his sister in law was a Gooner and because she had annoyed him, he turned down a stone wall penalty in the next Arsenal game. No allegedly here, this was Graham's personal testimony!

He was picked up in a chauffeur driven people carrier. Wonder how he could afford that on a referee's salary??????