(Denbighammer says) The Long Ball Isn't Always The Wrong Ball

In my opinion our football is a bit too slow and predicatable at the moment. I watched the 1976 European game v.Frankfurt on YoutTube last night, our 1989 league cup win over Liverpool and some other games and I can't believe

A) How many chances we created over the course of a game and

B) How direct we were at times, even players like Dev and Sir Trev getting the ball forward to the strikers and bypassing midfield at times.

We've got to mix it up people! The short interpassing is great on the eye but the long ball can be a very effective weapon if used sparingly - as Liverpool have demonstrated in recent games.

Curbishley over used the "lump and hope" but is Zola under utilising the long ball? Remember how Sears got that one and only goal? Long ball, headed on by Ashton and bingo!

So, should we mix it up more?

(Marty Says) Ashton is 30 Years Behind The Times

Dean Ashton seems to me like a player who would have been better off playing in the sixties or seventies, times when a fag at half time and a pint or three was the norm after match. I'm not suggesting that Deano is a chain smoking alcoholic, but that he is suited to a time when sportsmen were not such athletic specimens.

Players these days are very highly tuned and not every body is capable of maintaining these levels of fitness without constantly breaking down. In the old days a cartilage operation could signal the end of a career, but at the same time it was commonplace for players to play every match in a season, whereas now it is a feat worthy of mention in end of season dispatches.

Less highly tuned bodies, although not capable of the athletic feats of today's players, were more capable of dealing with the week in, week out physical demands. Let's not forget that in those days football was also a contact sport.

The thing that strikes me about Deano's physical state is how "tight" he is. There is very little flexibility for a young man and although he is obviously technically gifted, he can't run and he can't jump. He has missed three seasons now and I doubt that he will ever make a sustained impression for us, so if we were offered anything over ten million I would take it.

Do you agree? £10 million a good price for Beano or not?

Here's A Frightening Thought

If Faubert doesn't get his finger out, he will be back on le payroll acting as a L'argent Provocateur next season. Can you imagine Le Sulk after returning from his dream move to Madrid back to cold, wet, nasty old Newham? If he didn't like it first time around, he's going to like it even less after sitting on his derrière in Madrid for six months. And just think how fat that arse will be after all that inactivity! Will we have a pair of shorts big enough for Faux Pas when he returns? I suppose he could always borrow a pair off Beano!

West Ham United For Sale. Great Investment Opportunity!

According to some reports the figure to settle the Tevez affair is £10million, others put it at £15m, others still set the figure at £25m. All are in agreement that the settlement is to be spread over a number of years, with some claiming a complicated sliding scale based on how many pickled onions Noble's Nanna eats with her Boxing Day cold turkey and creamy mash. But at the end of the day, the figure we have agreed with Shafting United doesn't matter, what we should be focused on is that Gudmundsson is no longer in control of what happens: the future of our club is now in the hands of five merchant bankers!

Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all?

Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "

But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt?

How much would the club be worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co? I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants.

So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, do us all a favour and send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!

Kovac

I saw flashes on Sunday that suggested this guy can play with Parker. He isn't quite up to Prem speed yet but he has a physical presence that I think could intimidate opponents and release the other midfielders, Parker included, to break forward more. I counted twice that Parker ran beyond Cole on Sunday, actually trying to get on the end of the ball in the box. If Parker is to earn his massive salary he has to be more than a holding midfielder, he has to become a box to box player and offer us more going forward. There were glimpses against City that Kovac will release him to do this. Noble has been disappointing recently so I would like to see Zola persist with this pairing, teamed with the pace of Savio and Collison on the flanks.

I have also liked the way Di Michele has been linking play, filling up the midfield when we don't have possession and picking passes when we do. His turn and cross for Cole in the first half against City was pure class - and a more instinctive goal scorer would have either taken that on the volley or launched himself into a diving header. I'm not Beano's biggest fan because of his injury record and selfishness, but I think he would have scored that one, as he did against United at Old Trafford last season.

So, I suspect Kovac could be a key piece in Zola's jigsaw. If we ever get DumptyDyer and Beano Ashton fit, we could have a team to reckon with. And remember, Faubert will be back in the summer!

Give us a break!

Oh God! So the nightmare has come true. Ashton is out for up to 6 weeks, and with Bellyache returning from his break between international fixtures (funny the way Man United & Liverpool players are fit for club games but not for international fixtures but at West Ham, it's often the other way around!), we could find ourselves with Zammo and Cole up front between now and Christmas. So, it's bottom three by December then!

Never mind, I'm sure Turds will buy another injury prone player or two to help them on the road to early retirement.

Dreamland

In a state of shock! Secretly I fancied us at Reading, but to win 3-0 - that surpassed by wildest hopes! At this rate, Turds might keep his job! Delighted to see Etherington scoring. He was a key player in our first triumphant season back up and we missed him more than was acknowledged last season. He lacks that extra yard of pace and clearly has stamina issues but the lad can cross and has a very good range of passes. When Etherington is confident and buzzing the team suddenly has width and the pitch opens up. Good to see Ashton taking another positive step back and Bellyache seems to have the bit between his teeth. And maybe, just maybe, Bowyer has his hunger back. Parker must be wondering if he'll get in the team! I think Turds was actually smiling genuinely (as opposed to ruefully) in the post match interview!

As for Tevez - does he only start playing in January?

Unlucky Managers

It seems to me that some managers are brilliant (like Ferguson), some managers are indisputably shite (like Red Stripe) and some carry the worst curse of all - they are unlucky. McClanger unfortunately has a foot in both the shite and unlucky camps!!!!!

Reflecting back on my proposed team (earlier blog), it is amazing to think that Rooney, Ashton and Beckham are already out, Gerrard and Hargreaves may be and Joe Cole isn't playing for Roublesea. And I only picked the midfielders and forwards. It really is a struggle to think of a team that would suit my proposed formation! Poor old McClanger! Still, this shows why you have to win your games when the injury curse isn't hitting you so hard. If we fail to qualify then results earlier in the campaign will be more to blame!

There's only one thing to do with an unlucky manager - sack him! Then, when the injuries clear up suddenly and the team goes on a winning run, he can justifiably tell everybody, "I was just unlucky!"

Hasn't Turds been bemoaning his luck recently?

Here we go again! Turds overheard on the touchline!

Ready, steady...no, hold on a minute, I'm not ready! I haven't spent my chairman's money! I've sold players without buying replacements! I haven't got a left back! I don't know my best centre back pairing, all my summer signings are injured, Ashton isn't ready, my right back is injured and his replacement is crap, the City players don't even know each other so how am I meant to tacically outsmart them? I can't look, I can't look, tell me when it's all over! I'll send on Etherington! Now I'll move him to left back! Mullins! I wanted to off load him but anyone's better than Bowyer! Get on there Ashton! Is it over yet? I can't look! I can't look! Where is Tevez when you need him? Anybody got any ideas because I'm clueless!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!