The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Turds Drops Another Big One!

Here we go again! Okay, defeats away to Newcastle and at home to a buzzing Arsenal are not a disaster but what on earth does Turds think he is up to? Am I mad or has Mullins been playing rather well? And Parker? He looked dazed and confused before kick off and petrified once the ball was in play. Tentative, anxious, dazed, he was bloody hopeless. Then on came Mullins at half time and suddenly we had some bite in midfield. Just what has Mullins done to upset Turds? And then there's Gabbidon! Was he not our player of the year in our first year back up? And when he came on against Arsenal, suddenly the defence looked so much more solid. Is Turds picking Upson and Parker to justify the fees I wonder?

And what about Neill? He was hopelessly at fault for the first two goals against Newcastle and nowhere to be seen for the third (although the cross came from the Newcastle left flank from inside the penalty box!) Why, exactly, was Bowyer trying to make the tackle in the right back position inside the box for the second goal and what was Neill up to when he tried to dribble the ball out of defence to set up Newcastle's first? Come the Arsenal game and diagonal balls were being played up to Diaby with Neill again nowhere to be seen! And when the goal was scored, Neill as good as offered Van Persie a lift up to score the goal! And what pray was McCartney up to? Ferdinand was holding Adebeyour up on the edge of the box and, rather than go wide to mark Hleb, McCartney ran into the box and marked empty space, leaving Hleb all the time in the world to deliver his cross! Pathetic!

One last moan. Camera or Cole? Good God, it makes you yearn for Clyde Best! These two are bloody hopeless. Camera runs around like a headless chicken and doesn't understand the off side law; and Cole doesn't run at all! How much are we paying these two clowns exactly?

Let's hope the cheque book is opened in January. We HAVE to buy a left back and we URGENTLY need another striker. Without Bellamy and Ashton we would be stuffed!

Here we go again! Turds overheard on the touchline!

Ready, steady...no, hold on a minute, I'm not ready! I haven't spent my chairman's money! I've sold players without buying replacements! I haven't got a left back! I don't know my best centre back pairing, all my summer signings are injured, Ashton isn't ready, my right back is injured and his replacement is crap, the City players don't even know each other so how am I meant to tacically outsmart them? I can't look, I can't look, tell me when it's all over! I'll send on Etherington! Now I'll move him to left back! Mullins! I wanted to off load him but anyone's better than Bowyer! Get on there Ashton! Is it over yet? I can't look! I can't look! Where is Tevez when you need him? Anybody got any ideas because I'm clueless!

We're only making plans for Nigel

So Nigel Reo-Coker, you don't feel wanted at West Ham! How much have we been paying you each week? Were you ever dropped? Or played out of your favoured position? Were you stripped of the captaincy?

Well Nigel, you're right, you're not wanted! One goal all season? What sort of return is that from a central midfield player protected defensively first by Mullins and then by Noble? The truth is, NRC, you're a legend in your own mind and have been ever since Sven named you as a back up he never needed for the England World Cup Squad. So what Nigel? Sven took a 17 year old Arsenal reserve and very nearly took Harewood! Wake up, superstar you ain't and if any club is daft enough to offer 8 million, we should snatch their hand off!

Go to Villa or Newcastle and see what it's really like to play in an average team. Arsenal don't want you. Nor do Liverpool or Chelsea or United. Doesn't that tell you something Nigel? You're average mate and average is okay if your heart is in the club. Tevez can moan; Di Canio could moan; Nigel, you ain't got the ability to have the right to bleat.

Confession Time

Time to confess. Following the capitulation to Spurs, I rang 606 to call for the dismissal of Curbishley. My reasoning was as follows: by sending on two forwards and taking off two midfield players he had handed the game on a plate to Spurs - even if we scored, which of course Zamora did - we would be unable to defend the lead - as was proved; he had bought badly - Boa Morte, Quashie, Upson and Davenport are all bad signings; he had failed to inspire the team as the disasterous results were proving; at Charlton Curbishley never won a game after Christmas and we appointed him in december; and the appointment of an ex player as manager rarely works anyway.

On this last point, I was particularly disappointed to see Curbishley and Day returning to the club. Those Hammers fans with a long enough memory will recall that Curbs left the club to join Birmingham (for £275,000) bleating that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to give the ball to Brooking and Devonshire - much the way Noble was no doubt being told to give the ball to Tevez! He clearly had no love for the club then so it was hardly a case of the long lost son returning to the fold.

As for Day, well let me tell you a story about him. It was a cold night some time in the late seventies. The first team were playing away to QPR in the FA Cup and the reserves had a fixture in Southampton where I lived. Day, along with Alvin Martin, had been dropped to the stiffs. I stood on the terraces with my transistor radio attached to my ear, watching as the reserves lost 2-0 and the first team were stuffed 6-1. At the end of the match, Day asked me about the first team result and when I told him the score, his face broke into a broad smile and he and Martin did a high five. The truth about a footballer's motivation hit home painfully. Here was I, sick in my soul because my beloved Hammers had been humiliated; here were two of the players I idolised delighted because the result might open the door for their return to the first team. I've never forgiven them since!

Where do I stand on Curbishley now? Well there was an awful lot of luck mixed in with our "great run" at the end of the season: the referee and linesmen in the Blackburn game should be made honoury Hammers; the United players had nothing to play for in the final game; Bolton were in turmoil following the hand over from Big Sam to Mini Me; Wigan were in free fall; Arsenal murdered us and still contrived to lose 1-0. God does support West Ham after all! For the true "spirit", look at that awful performance away to a fully committed Sheffield United. For a true illustration of Curbs' ability to motivate, look at our thumping at Charlton. In the run up to that game it was obvious who was going to win. Pards kept using words like "opportunity"; Curbs was offering excuses and using phrases like "must win" and "we need three points from somewhere". He looked and sounded so down.

So, let's imagine the linesman hadn't ruled in favour of that "goal" that never was at Blackburn. How would our season have ended then? Or what if Arsenal had netted one of their thirty or so chances before Zamora scored at the Emirates? Or what if United had needed to win the last game to secure the Premiership? Or what if Big Sam had still been at the helm at Bolton? I fear that without the players and coaching staff roasting Lady Luck in the back of the team coach we would then have been planning for a local "derby" against Colchester next season! Let's not run away with the idea that Curbishley is suddenly a managerial god. He got lucky, big time!

And where now? Well he has a long memory. He clearly hates Konchesky so he's out. I can only assume that Mullins was caught crapping in Curbs' kit bag. Bowyer is a favourite so it looks like we'll be stuck with him even though he must be hated by all the black players. Parker? Good signing if we get him but he is another old favourite isn't he? I'm wondering if Curbishley has any fresh ideas, any vision? Tevez and Lady Luck saved us this year. Trouble is, will either be wearing Claret & Blue next season?