Spector Confuses If & When

Lovely little quote from Spector when explaining why he wants Green to play for England in the World Cup opener against the USA. Our American defensive giant said: "I always felt confident having him behind me, that IF something went wrong, he'll be there."

Surely that IF should have read WHEN!

I wonder if Green will now reciprocate, telling the World's press that he hopes Spector is picked to play for the USA! I can hear Rob now. "It would be great if the USA followed Zola's lead and played John at left back".

Steve Clarke Speaks Out

Following the dismissal of his great friend Gianfranco Zola, Steve Clarke has spoken up and said...precisely nothing. As the world awaits in anticipation of a broadside from out of the shed where the bibs and bollards are stored, all we hear is the sound of silence.

Am I alone in thinking this strange? What kind of friend is Clarke exactly? Wouldn't you expect him to show solidarity with Zola? Surely a statement expressing regret (or dismay even) might be in order? Have I missed something perhaps? Has Clarke walked, saying that he couldn't possibly stay at the club after Gianfranco's sacking? Has he come out and said the sacking is a terrible mistake? Has he assured the world that Zola will prove himself a great manager in the future? If not, why not?

Is he looking after Number 2 perhaps, anxious to keep hold of his own hopelessly inflated salary? Or is he hoping to get the top job himself? Or does he understand that Sullivan and Gold had no other choice, having experienced first hand Zola's inexperience, seen the folly of his decision making? Clarke was a full back himself wasn't he? Surely he could see how hopelessly unsuited Spector was to the left back role?

It is all conjecture at the moment of course. The sun is setting on the training ground and Steve Clarke is busy for the moment, collecting up the bollards, folding away the bibs. Perhaps when everything is locked away safely in the shed, he will find the time to talk. Perhaps.

An Open Challenge To Gianfranco Zola

If Zola is such a good guy and such an honourable man, then I challenge him to prove it. His record as a manager at West Ham was dreadful - the first time we have lost six Prem games in a row, the first defeat at Fulham since 66, the first home defeat to Wolves, the lowest number of away victories in a season, the lowest number of victories overall and the club's lowest points total ever achieved in a season in the Prem; and the worst win ratio EVER of any West Ham manager in history! But none of that was enough to provoke him to resign. Yet he is still an honourable man -apparently.

OK Gianfranco, prove it! Sue Sullivan for wrongful dismissal but pledge to give any compensation awarded to the Bobby Moore Cancer Fund. THEN I will respect you. But if you chase the compensation for yourself then it will prove what I always suspected, that you were in it for the money and yourself, not for the club, the players or the fans. Go on Gianfranco, prove me wrong! Prove you are the good guy that your supporters claim.

Zola In Line To Take Over Italy!

There's been an angry response to my spoof report that Zola could take over at Real Madrid. Apparently, although a great manager in the making, it is insulting in some way to link him with the job at Real Madrid, though for the life of me, I can't understand why.

Well truth is stranger than fiction they say, and unless I have been the victim of another spoof, Zola is in the running to manage Italy no less! That seems like a perfect job for him to me. I hope he gets it, then he can turn Italy from a spoiling team into a side playing the beautiful game, with right footers cutting in from the left flank and left footers cutting in from the right. I would cheer his every decision, especially if he achieved the same results as he achieved at West Ham!

Real Madrid Want Zola

Following his shock departure from West Ham, former Chelsea great Gianfranco Zola has emerged as the favourite to take over as Head Coach at Spanish giants, Real Madrid. The genial Italian is highly regarded in the Spanish capital and is believed to have all the necessary credentials to lead Real into the next campaign.

A spokesman for Madrid said: “We have been linked with Wenger and Mourinho but feel that Zola is head and shoulders above both. The guy is so nice and has played the game at the very highest level. We are confident that Zola’s experiences at West Ham will have taught him a lot and we have it on no less an authority than Julian Dicks, that the East London club made a grave error when dismissing him.”

He continued: “Indeed, such is the track record of Dicks at Grays Athletic, leading them to a bottom place finish in the Blue Square League, that we are considering appointing him as assistant to Zola; assuming Steve Clarke is not available of course.”

However, with Zola sure to be in great demand, it is uncertain that he would accept the post at Real Madrid should it be offered to him. Ferguson’s days at Manchester United may be numbered and Zola could elect to hold on, anticipating walking into the Old Trafford job when it becomes available. Alternatively, Chelsea may prefer Zola to the ageing Ancelotti, whilst Arsenal will almost certainly have kept close tabs on the smiling Italian, fearing a swoop for his services from Tottenham Hotspurs. But Zola may well see a return to Italy as his best bet, which is sure to have Jose Mourinho looking over his shoulder anxiously in the coming weeks.

Forlan Floors Forlorn Fulham

Hard luck to Woy and the boys, you did London, England and the smaller clubs proud! And me, I just wanted to be the first to write that headline!

Di Canio Backs The Sacking Of Zola!

With Zola apologists quoting Brooking and Dicks as if they are all knowing footballing gurus because they have supported Zola, it is interesting to see that Di Canio has effectively backed the dismissal of his Italian compatriot.

You might have expected Paolo to line up behind Zola, but far from it. Instead, the 41 year old former striker said: "The new chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan are trying to do their best because they are also West Ham supporters. So now the fans can be sure that everything they do is for the best of the team." Well, if Paolo says it, then he must be right surely?

Who knows better, Paolo Di Canio or a bunch of no mark fans who have never kicked a ball in the Premiership? Di Canio is a Claret and Blue god so everything he says must be true, surely? Dear God, such is the guy's love of West Ham that he has put the club above his own interests, ruling himself out of the running for the job because he is not yet ready to take it on! I bet Sullivan & Gold are panicking now, with their plans to appoint the Italian hot head in utter and complete disarray!

What an endorsement as well for Sullivan and Gold! I wonder why Paolo rates them so highly? Maybe it is because they act like total fascists? Perhaps somebody ought to whisper in Paolo's ear that Gold is Jewish!

Zola's Breach Of Contract

So the official line is that Zola has been sacked for breach of contract. Apparently by voicing public criticism of Sullivan, he was in breach of a contract written by Duxbury; and that is plausible because we all know how, under the Grand Puppet Master, everybody sang from the same hymn sheet! How deliciously ironic it would be if Zola’s mate, Duxbury, has inadvertently provided the ammunition for Sullivan to fire at the Italian!

Sullivan and Gold have been very careful to publicly support Zola. Time and again, they have said that he has their support and that he would be West Ham’s manager for years to come. We all knew that it was bullshit but it is now a matter of public record, as are Zola’s statements that he did not want to be involved in transfer dealings. S&G will say that they took him at his word, so his criticism of the owners for not consulting him about the Dorans bid, and the possible sale of players, was unacceptable. Who knows, he may already have been warned after his “unhelpful” comments following Sullivan’s email after the Wolves debacle.

It looks as if the lawyers are in for another pay day. With any luck, given his track record, Duxbury will offer to represent his old mate Zola!

Sky Interrupts Report On The New Cabinet...

...to show Mrs Cameron arriving home in Notting Hill and struggling with her garden gate! Sky, dumbing down politics? As if! As for Cameron, typical Tory, he's married a bleedin polo pony!

Did Carlton Blow It Or Was It Zola's Fault?

The one big feather in Zola's managerial cap was supposedly the way he transformed Cole from a useless tosser into an England striker. Look at what he's done with Cole, the Zola fans insisted, ignoring the fact that Cole was a regular under Curbishley because of Ashton's injury woes. Am I remembering wrong, or were Inter linked with Cole BEFORE Zola became manager?

How appropriate that, on the day Zola was sacked, Cole was left out of Capello's squad of 30. Heskey, Zamora (ruled out by injury) and Bent are all considered better options. Now, if you want to talk transformations, then look at what Bruce has done with Bent, who whilst at Tottenham was behind 'Arry's wife in the queue for the number 9 shirt, and what Woy has done with Zamora - shipped out by Turds because he saw Cole as the better option! How many goals have Zammo and Bent netted this season? Both make Cole's 10 seem rather pathetic.

But I'm not having a go at Cole here. I rate the guy and, prior to his injury, I thought he was a banker for a place in the World Cup. So what happened? Well Zola happened. With no shape to the team and nobody providing anything like decent service, Cole found himself feeding off scraps and playing whilst not fully fit into the bargain. Suddenly he looked lumbering. Suddenly he looked one paced. Suddenly it looked like every ball he received was a hand-grenade minus the pin. His confidence was dented and, like Zamora and Bent, Cole is a confidence player.

So what happened to Zola's legendary coaching skills then? It's a bit of a mystery really, although I suspect Freddie Sears might be able to help here. After all, Zola did a brilliant job coaching him didn't he?

Sadly, by staying loyal to West Ham, Cole has lost his place in the World Cup squad. Had he demanded a transfer in January, aka Bellyache, I suspect he would have made it onto the plane. How big a debt of gratitude does Carlton owe to Zola? It's a case of thanks for nothing I fear.

Zola's Sacking is a Disgrace

Well, I got into my car and turned on the radio to find out England's final 30, and was still fuming over the selection of Jamie The Selfish Traitor Carragher when, suddenly, Radio 5 slipped in the news that Zola was very disappointed to be sacked by West Ham. And I'm not surprised!

What on earth do Sullivan and Gold think they are doing? Don't they understand that Zola is a great man, a great ex player and a great manager in the making? Have they taken no account of the terrible circumstances under which Zola has been operating? Do they not understand that Zola has worked a minor miracle, given all that has been going on this season? Do the opinions of the players count for nothing? Don't Sullivan and Gold understand how much everybody at the club adores Zola? Fools, idiots, blinkered buffoons, dildo wielding dunderheads!

This decision is outrageous for the following reasons:

1) Zola took over a team in the top 5 and, in the space of two seasons, manufactured a team able to finish 4th from bottom, thereby avoiding relegation. Portsmouth, Hull and Burnley all hold our club in awe. What would they have given to finish where West Ham have finished?

2) Zola has recognised the importance of the Premiership and surrendered our place in the League and FA Cups in two consecutive seasons. Last year, at Watford, he selected a reserve keeper, an overweight Uruguayan left back and a forward line of Di Michele and Sears. In a stroke of genius, he picked Etherington to play on the RIGHT of midfield! Little did I understand then that this was the early blueprint for the Zola masterplan of picking players in positions they are patently unsuited to! In the FA Cup, a competition Zola values apparently, we won against Barnsley and Hartlepool (a tricky fixture!) but surrendered our place in the 5th round despite a home draw against Middlesborough. To be fair, a full strength side was selected in the home tie against the soon to be relegated team, but Kovac and Sears were picked for the away tie. Yes, you remember, Freddie No Goals In The Fizzy Pop Sears up against Huth and Wheater! This season, we did our best to hand victory to our sworn enemy Millwall and, after a stabbing, a riot in Green Street and two pitch invasions, we scraped a victory over the Division Three outfit in extra time. But to what end? We duly surrendered at Bolton, with Zola fielding Hines, all five feet nothing of him, as the lone striker and pairing Da Costa and Tomkins together against that wily old bully Kevin Davies and his supporting cast of thugs. Zola even chucked in Spector at right back for good measure and then used as a sub N'Gala, the guy who may yet be good enough for Plymouth Argyle! Inspired! Wind the clock forward to a nationally televised 3rd round of the FA Cup against Arsenal, and Zola gives a first team debut to Daprela (as a warm up for his next appearance away to Chelsea!) and played Nouble up top on his own. Sears and Edgar were both brought on as subs in an attempt to terrify Wenger's big Gunners!

3) After inheriting a squad that has finished in the top half of the table for two consecutive seasons, Zola has set all sorts of club records this season: the lowest number of points we have collected over a Premiership season, the lowest number of away wins, the lowest number of wins overall, our first defeat at Fulham since 1966, our first home defeat against Wolves and a record 6 straight defeats in a row! Zola's win ratio, stretching over his two seasons in charge, is lower than any other manager in the history of the club. In the round, Zola is a record breaker of the lowest order!

4) And look what Zola has had to deal with! Hull imploded, Portsmouth exploded and Burnley fizzled out. Meanwhile, Zola was forced to sell one player, yes one player, and was allowed to sign Diamanti, Kovac, Da Costa and Jimenez. The Board actually invested in the team over the summer! Then, in January, nobody left and Ilan, McCarthy and Mido were all signed. And, of course, being the great judge that he is, Zola pressed for McCarthy to be signed, and then preferred Mido over both Benni The Gut and Ilan.

I could go on, and no doubt will in later posts. But just taking the above into account, how outrageous is the decision to dismiss Zola? The poor guy must be wondering what on earth he did to deserve it!

Goal Of The Season

With the season safely tucked up in bed, it's time to reflect upon, and highlight, the best and the worst bits of a largely miserable 9 months. Let's start on the highs! For what it's worth, these are the contenders for our goal of the season, in no particular order. Do you agree with my nominations? Will you concur with my choice of the overall goal of the season? Do you give a toss? Have your say, or don't as the mood takes you.

The contenders:

Parker won every other award so why not goal of the season? He doesn't score many, but when he does put one in the onion bag, it tends to be a bit tasty. Both Parker's goals this season are worthy contenders. Against Chelsea, he collected a throw, looked up and slammed the ball as hard as he could, the resulting shot screaming into the net to bring us back into contention against the eventual champions on their own dung heap. It was a hell of a goal, a real screamer. The second, against Wigan, saw Parker collect the ball, drive into space, and slam the ball from outside the box, with a lovely curve taking it away from Kirkland and into the corner of the net. If you like "'Ave a bit of that" style goals, these two will take some beating.

Mind you, Cole's goal against Tottenham is in the same bracket and the same league. The turn, the control, the power and the accuracy were all Drogba like. Fans up and down the country suddenly recognised that Cole might actually be an England striker after all. But then he linked up with Defoe for the Tottenham reply!

Mind you, that's not Carlton's only contender. This goal was a bit special. Faubert played one of the passes of the season, bending a perfectly weighted ball around a defender into the path of Cole, who had made a superb run. Cole maintained his composure, closed in on goal and buried the chance with aplomb. Hansen moaned about Hull's defending; I was purring about the run, the pass and the finish. Not wham, bam, thank you mam, but a classy goal.

Of course, Parker is not paid to score them but to make them, and he played his role superbly for the next contender, Zavon Hine's last minute winner against Villa. For sheer drama, goals don't come better than this one. With yet another two home points evaporating before our eyes, Parker burst into the box on the left hand side and pulled the ball back for Hines. True Hines was on the edge of the six yard box but he was closely marked. The speed of his feet was what impressed me. The ball was controlled, dragged back, switched from one foot to the other and guided into the net in one deliciously sweet act. The craft of the goal was not obvious at first glance but the more often I watched it back, the more I appreciated the skill and composure of Hines. Not bad for a kid given the situation.

Ilan also has a couple of contenders. "Two?" I hear you ask. Well the first is obvious, that thumping header from Faubert's cross against Everton. Somebody was dismissive about that goal on here over the weekend, but Ilan, on for the hopeless Mido, played the ball on the half way line and then set off like a greyhound out of the traps. Faubert's cross had power and was into the heart of the danger area and Ilan met the ball perfectly. Wham. The net bulged as if collecting a Lorimer shot! But what about Ilan's other contender? Well I loved the goal against Wigan because it was classically simple. Cole collected a pass on the left side of the box, pulled the ball back from close to the deadline and Ilan, running across the front of his marker, deflected the ball masterfully into the net. If Cole could score goals like this, he would be the real deal. We have needed a fox in the box for years; and Ilan has looked like that foul feeder. But does he give us enough in other areas of the pitch?

Then there is Diamanti. His goal against Bolton was futile but was tasty nevertheless. Coming in off the wrong flank (inevitably), he looked up and bent a delicious shot into the far, bottom corner. That one goal does not vindicate Zola's decision to play his wide men on the wrong flank all season, but this was a special effort nevertheless. Then there was THAT freekick against Birmingham on the stroke of half time. The timing couldn't have been better and nor could the freekick. Hart has looked very impressive all season but he didn't have a prayer of stopping this sublime effort, with Diamanti bending his shot over the wall and perfectly into the corner of the net. It was Beckham like.

Have I forgotten any worthy contenders? Noble's goal at Wolves perhaps? It was good but it wasn't that special when compared with Parker's and Cole's screamers was it? So, any other picks or which of these do you think was best. I'll reveal my choice tomorrow!

Boa Lays Into Sullivan

Well Boa has had quite a day! First he plays out of his skin, scoring just his second goal for the club and then, with his contract up at the end of the season, he pitches into Sullivan, telling the Chairman that he needs to show more "composure"! Composure? This is from the guy who was red carded stupidly against Tottenham, who put God knows how many shots into orbit and who collected a yellow card today for stripping off his shirt after scoring! (Still, at least he kept his shorts on!)

According to Boa, having the money doesn't give you the right to mouth off about the players. Doesn't it? Who has been paying Boa's wages whilst he has sat out the whole season? Well, since January, Sullivan has, so I think he has every right to say what the hell he likes personally.

One thing's pretty certain now, after Boa's outburst: Sullivan won't be paying Luis' wages for too much longer. Shame because I was just beginning to warm to the guy!

West Ham 1 Man City 1 - Much Ado About Nothing

Well I was not alone in being disappointed by the decision of Mancini to leave Tevez and Bellyache out of his starting line up. Bellamy's next stop is almost certainly Spurs and you have to wonder if Tevez will be in the Premiership next season; my money is on him switching to Real Madrid.

Man City left out some of their best players and their stomach for a fight if truth be told. Even Vierra looked like a pussy cat, whilst up front Adebeyoor and Santa Cruz were on cruise control. Yes we got a draw, and yes we could have won, but Burnley beat Tottenham, Villa lost to Blackburn and Hull drew with Liverpool, which tells you how interested the big boys were on this last day of the season with everything, bar the World Cup, already settled for the season. Why risk injury in a futile cause with the biggest competition in sport less than 4 weeks away? Gareth Barry no doubt served as a warning to everybody in Sky Blue of how dreams can be cruelly dashed so close to the Big Event.

Meanwhile, I was on Daprela and Johnson watch, trying to work out why Zola has preferred Spector over the Swiss Roll all season and if Johnson really is England material. The conclusion was interestingly self contradictory. Johnson is good, very good, and is certainly worthy of a place in the squad in my opinion because he is genuinely two footed, unlike Stanislas, Spector, Behrami, Noble and Diamanti, and anybody else I've forgotten who Zola has elected to play on the wrong flank. It was also informative to see how often Wright-Phillips and Johnson switched flanks, a ploy Zola has ignored all season.

But at the same time, Daprela acquitted himself well. He stayed on his feet most of the time (he was booked when he went to ground), got in a number of superb challenges, including a tackle on Tevez in the box, and looked like a Premiership left back. True, the City goal came from a Johnson cross on the right but come on, a Wright-Phillips header? Surely the blame must lay elsewhere for that? His one weakness, surprisingly, was going forward. He was strangely reluctant to get up the left flank to knock over crosses; but perhaps that was on instruction from his manager?

Without Behrami, we had a much better balance in midfield. Kovac was the anchor, and that's not rhyming slang, Parker was the cut and thrust, Diamanti was like a gnat, bloody irritating to both sides, and Boa was...hang on, I'm steeling myself before I type this...Boa was...class. Dear God, I don't believe I've typed that! But he was. He was always available, he held the ball well, he passed the ball well, he covered well and he scored. As a replacement for Behrami, he was a revelation, doing everything that Behrami does, and offering an attacking threat as well! I have been one of Boa's biggest critics but, on that showing, I would offer him a new contract: not on silly money of course, but a new contract nevertheless.

At the back, Daprela apart, both Upson and Da Costa played well. If we can keep Upson, these two have the makings of a good centre back pairing. A couple of Da Costa challenges reminded me of Collins at his best, especially one superb block. Da Costa also looks comfortable on the ball. Tell me, why did Zola waste so much time with Tomkins? Faubert was ordinary and made one terrible error. he is still not a Premiership right back.

Up front, Cole was again disappointing and Ilan missed a good chance. Franco looked by far the best of the three again when he came on. He must be so annoying to play against: he reads the game well, moves into space cleverly and is a physical so and so. I would definitely retain him for next season.

The goal was brilliant, a lovely back heeled pass from Diamanti and a superb run and finish by Boa. Some of our pass and move football was impressive too, although City were not busting guts to try and frustrate us. We did not look like a team that has struggled to avoid relegation, but then nor did Burnley or Hull today. The terrible truth is that we have finished 4th from bottom, and that means we have performed worse over the season than a Wigan team that has lost 9-1 at Tottenham and 8-0 at Chelsea. This performance against a lukewarm Man City team should not mask our failings!

Player ratings: Green 6 (no save of note); Faubert 6, Upson 8, Da Costa 7, Daprela 7; Diamanti 6, Parker 7, Kovac 6, Boa-Morte 8; Cole 6, Ilan 6 Subs: Franco 7, Stanislas 5, Spence (Not on long enough to rate)

Petrov? Yes Please!

His fitness record aint great and he is no spring chicken, but the guy is electric quick and is one hell of a footballer in my opinion. Naturally left footed, he would transform us as an attacking threat - and he's available on a free transfer.

Sign him!

Team For Today

Well, here we go, this is the way the season ends, not with a bang but a whimper. All the Champions League places resolved - and West Ham don't figure. All the Europa League places settled - and West Ham don't figure. All the relegation issues settled - and West Ham don't figure. There's just the little matter of who wins the title at stake and the fixtures computer could not have ensured a greater sense of anti climax if it had tried. To win the title, Chelsea have to beat Wigan! This is the Wigan team that shipped 9 at Tottenham and even managed to lose to us after being given a goal start by Spector.

So what can we expect to see from West Ham today? Freed from the shackles of tension, will we see a rampant West Ham, playing Zola's beautiful football? I didn't see much evidence of it when we played at Fulham; I just saw more of the same. Will Zola take a chance and experiment? Could we see what might have been all season, with Zola pushing Faubert forward, playing Spector at right back, Daprela at left back and Diamanti wide on the left? I doubt it. But we should!

I am looking forward to seeing Johnson, Bellamy and Tevez personally; if Mancini picks them. Today could well be a party atmosphere, Bellamy apart. With it looking more and more likely that Bellyache is on his way to Spurs, he could be in for an even more virulent reception than last year.

How many players will be waving farewell at the end? Will Mido show up to thank the fans for their support?

My team would be: Green; Spector, Da Costa, Upson, Daprela; Faubert, Noble, Parker, Diamanti; Franco, Cole

Will that team win? I doubt it but at least it would give us some width and should ensure that we have some fun at the party.

Prediction: West Ham 1 Man City 4.

A 14th place finish beckons

If we win against Unreal City and Wigan, Wolves and Bolton all lose, we could leap up to 14th tomorrow, which must be just about our highest position all season, if we ignore the table compiled after our opening game of the season victory at Wolves.

So, 14th place beckons if we beat Man City tomorrow, Sunderland win at Wolves and Bolton lose at home to Birmingham...and if my Aunt had bollocks, she would be my Uncle!

Well Done Leeds!

I blogged earlier in the season that Leeds were on their way back and today they secured promotion in the most dramatic of ways, coming from a goal behind when down to 10 men. True they were only playing Bristol Rovers but we all remember the greatest Leeds team ever losing to Colchester, so the "quality" of the opposition should not take away from their achievement and performance.

I loath Leeds but they belong in the Prem and that's where I reckon they will be in 3 seasons' time. Good to see Beckford answering his critics too. As Clough discovered, when the Yorkshire flatcaps take against you, life aint easy at Elland Road.

Now, let's hope Charlton can join them at Millwall's expense!

West Ham Best Of The Bottom 12

An argument has been raging on here as to whether Zola is to blame for our terrible performances or if it is down to rank bad players. I have pointed the finger at Zola, but Stani has led the case for the Italian, pointing the finger at a lousy squad of players instead. The challenge, therefore, is to pick a "World Cup 23" from the squads of the teams at the bottom.

I've given it a go, and this is what I've come up with:

GK: Jaaskelainnen (Bolton), Green (West Ham), James (Portsmouth)

CB Upson (West Ham), Cahill (Bolton) Turner (Sunderland) Hangelaand (Fulham)

FB Figueroa (Wigan) Ilunga (West Ham) Nelson (Blackburn) Ridgewell (Birmingham)

Midfield: Eagles (Burnley) Parker (West Ham) Duff (Fulham) Murphy (Fulham) Henderson (Sunderland) Bullard (Hull City) Dunn (Blackburn) Etherington (Stoke)

Forwards: Cole (West Ham), Davies (Bolton), Zamora (Fulham), Bent (Sunderland)

Now I accept cases can be made for others. There will be support for Robinson (Blackburn) and Hart (Birmingham) for the keeper's position. At full back, Konchesky might have a claim. At centre half, Shawcross (Soke) and Dann (Birminham) would be in the running. In midfield, Diamanti, Behrami, Jarvis (Wolves), Hunt (twice relegated!) (Hull), Gera (Fulham), O'Hara (Portsmouth) and Cattermole (Sunderland) all have claims, and up front, a case can be made for Jones (Sunderland) and Doyle (Wolves).

However, argue the toss as you will, Green, Ilunga, Cole, Parker, Upson, Diamanti and Behrami would all be there or there abouts, and, on form, Noble would have a chance. No other team would conribute that many. Look at our squad and the squad of players at Blackburn, Stoke, Birmingham, Wolves and Wigan and you surely have to say that Zola has underperformed with the pool of players available to him.

Have I forgotten anybody? What's your view?

Waving Farewell On Sunday At Upton Park

Sunday promises to be a day for waving emotional farewells. When the players and management do their lap of dishonour at the end of the game, there will be more than just ceremony behind the wrist actions.

Dyer won't be there of course, his injury will keep him out and he's going nowhere anyway until his £70k per week contract expires in 12 months time, but Boa will be back specially for the occasion, no doubt with a lump in his throat as he waves a final farewell to seat TT34 in the Bobby Moore Upper where all his shots ended up.

Upson will also be wiping away a tear as he looks around the pitch and thinks, "I lumped the ball forward from there, and there, and there, and there, and there. I lumped it under Curbishley and I lumped it under Zola too! That's the spot where Davies turned Tomkins, and that's where Doyle turned Tomkins, and that's where Bent turned Da Costa, and that's where Fuller turned Da Costa, and that's where I was standing, 10 yards away each time, leaving the kid to mark the main threat. Oh look, I gave away a penalty just there, and over there."

Mido will be doing a lap of Green Street. "I had a kebab from there, and from there, and from there, and from there, and from there. Look Benni, there's that Eat As Much As You Like Indian Buffet place where we've eaten every night since we joined!" The fans will wave back to Mido thinking less "Thanks for the memories" and more "Thanks for the mammaries"!

Green will be blinking back the tears and thinking, "I dropped a cross over there, and over there, and, God yes, I dropped the ball almost on the edge of the box against Bolton over there!"

Behrami and Ilan will be laughing and pointing all over the pitch. "We went to ground there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and there and..."

Diamanti will wave goodbye to a seat on the substitutes bench and think, "My arse has made a huge impact on that piece of plastic".

Meanwhile, Zola will be struck by a sudden revelation. "What?" he will ask, "You're saying THIS is the RIGHT hand side of the pitch and THAT is the LEFT? I do not understand. So why has Spector been playing over there, and why has Diamanti been playing over here? God, so that's why we've been so crap!"