Green Cocks Up Just As I Predicted

Wind the clock back, what three years, and West Ham fans were complaining, utterly illogically given history, of an England bias against West Ham. Why isn't Green in goal, they protested, he's the best England keeper by a mile! I begged to differ. I talked about his weaknesses on crosses, his suspect temperament and his failure to stamp himself on a game. God I was crucified! At that time I was on the Org and, because I dared to suggest that Green was not an international keeper, a campaign was started to have me banned. I was a traitor, a Spud, and knew nothing about football.

My main point at that time was that if Green played and cocked up, his confidence could be destroyed. I quoted Robinson and then Carson, and asked, what would West Ham gain from that? He won't make a mistake, they said. He's brilliant, they said. You're a Spud, they said. Well fcuk me, if that wasn't the cock up to end all cock ups tonight, I don't know what is!

But still there will be some who will quote the second half save or say that we should have scored more at the other end. They will bury their heads in their arses and put their balls in their ears. Na na na na, I'm not listening. Don't blame Green, blame Terry, or King, or Heskey, or Fat Frank, or Capello, or the FA for appointing an Italian.

But face facts, Green was always a disaster waiting to happen. Thank God it happened today and not in the final. Now Capello knows what I have known all along, that Green is a nearly man, a Graeme Hick or Mark Ramprakash figure. He's good, bloody good until the pressure builds...and then he cracks.

I suspect Green's international career ended tonight. Indeed, I suspect that had we had three substitutions open to us at half time, Green would have been spared the second 45 minutes. Look at "that save" closely. The ball hit Green's trailing hand, the wrong hand, which is why he needed the post to save him. We lost two World Cup points tonight because of Green and could have lost three. Does ANYBODY believe Hart, James or Robinson would have conceded that goal? You are in Claret and Blue denial if you do!

And for the record, this is what I said on here earlier today: "Big question - where's the evidence of this terrible ball? It seems to be behaving fairly normally to me. Having said that, it will now take a terrible swerve tonight and Green will end up looking a clown!" That looks like another one I've got right then.

Sullivan Wants Cliff!

(Article submitted by HAMM4R)

The gift that keeps on giving, namely this season’s owners at Upton Park, have been at it again.You can almost picture David Sullivan sat in his threadbare office at The Boleyn.

With his Panatella knocking out only marginally less heat than his electric fan heater, mental military style coat on, fully buttoned up, our hero is sipping champagne out of a polystyrene cup.

Strewn across his desk an eye watering plethora of jazz mags, Panini World Cup stickers and abandoned Kinder Surprise toys with their plastic shells, instruction sheets screwed up into tiny balls.

He is talking into a novelty telephone of which the piece to his ear is half a hamburger. He squints as he surveys the lush green of the pitch through the half open Venetian blinds. He is every inch, an emperor. He talks confidently into the replica seeded bun…

“I like Beckham and I do not rule it out he can become a West Ham player next season. David knows the area well. Owns a house near where he trains the team. We are looking at more than 50 players, but in the end will only register for 4 or 5″

As he solemnly replaces the receiver he thinks of Alexander. He too wept when he saw the breadth of his domain as he realized that there were no more worlds for him to conquer.

Sullivan places his mad Russian style faux fur hat on, unsteadily rises to his feet and strides across the room, to reveal he is not wearing any trousers. His socks are held up with traditional garters. A slipstream of cigar smoke and the exits through the door which is one of those ones you used to get on old bookies and dirty book shops, made of multi-coloured plastic ribbons.

Quite what the ex Manchester United star will make of this when he finds out about this plan is beyond me. Beckham, has been pretty much constantly linked with a swansong return to the Premiership virtually every season since he left it.

Tottenham Hotspur’s name has been frequently in this particular frame as they have just about more form than anyone for taking on and getting good results from aging legends. Curiously this is the first time West Ham have been linked with such a frankly ambitious move. That said, they have recently expressed interest in Henry, Van Nistleroy and Cole.

It's difficult to know how the new owners will top this one. Perhaps they’ll replace Rob Green with Cliff Richard

Argentina Look Good But...

Argentina look impressive when they have the ball but they are vulnerable at the back. The South Korean team will fancy their chances of scoring a couple against them and better teams than Nigeria will ask them serious questions. We would struggle against them mind you! Messi missed some great chances today that he would normally tuck away.

Big question - where's the evidence of this terrible ball? It seems to be behaving fairly normally to me. Having said that, it will now take a terrible swerve tonight and Green will end up looking a clown!

The World Cup still hasn't burst into life for me. Perhaps the stage is set for Rooney!

Shittu Against Messi!

Well the World Cup has been pretty crap so far! No chance of a clean sheet in this one then!

The World Cup Starts At 3PM Today

Well the nonsense of the opening ceremony is out of the way, and we have negotiated three relatively pointless fixtures so far. None of South Africa, Mexico, France, Uruguay, South Korea or Greece are going to win the World Cup are they?

The quality of football so far has been dire. Greece and France were both awful, completely devoid of ambition. The failure of France to exploit the ability of Ribery and Malouda was shameful. The failure of Greece to come out and attack, even when a goal behind, is so typical of their depressing attitude to the game. The sooner they go home the better! Sorry Sav!

Mexico and South Africa both gave it a go, but they are not much cop are they? Uruguay are Uruguay. They were happy with the draw and I wouldn't bet against them drawing the next two.

South Korea have looked the best side so far which says it all. The World Cup starts when Argentina take the field this afternoon. I'm cheering on Nigeria! Prediction: 1-1.

Oops. I predict 6-0! 1-0 after six minutes and it should be 3 already!

Back To The Future - A TRUE West Ham GREAT

We've had the the Troubles in Ireland, the Falklands War, the Gulf War, the War in Yugoslavia, the Second Gulf War and the War on Terrorism, not to mention the Cold War. The Berlin Wall has come tumbling down and so have the Twin Towers.

We've had Wilson, Heath, Callaghan, Thatcher, Major, Blair, Brown and Camerclegg.

We've had the Sinclair C5, the Betamax and VCR videos, Subprime Mortages and New Coke.

The microwave has been invented, and the mobile phone, and the laptop, and the DVD player, and CDs and flat screen TVs.

There's been the Double Miras Bubble, The Dot Com Bubble and the Banking Bubble. And just like our dreams...

The First Division became the Premiership, The Second Division became the Championship, the Third Dvision became the First Division and the Fourth Division became the Second Division.

The Top Division has hosted Norwich, Luton, Carlisle, Bristol City, Crystal Palace, Brighton, Notts County (Yep really, twice!), Swansea, Watford, Oxford United (Remember Maxwell?), Wimbledon, Charlton, Barnsley, Bradford City, Reading, Hull City and Wigan.

Tottenham, Manchester United and Chelsea have all been Yo-Yo clubs after relegation from the top division! Derby, Nottingham Forest, Aston Villa and Blackburn have all won the title!

We've had Greenwood, Lyall, Macari, Bonds, Redknapp, Roeder, Pardew, Curbishley, Zola and now Grant.

Moore, Ramsey, Shankley, Paisley, Clough, Greenwood, Lyall, Stein and Bobby Robson have found their peace.

We've won two F.A. Cups and finished third in the top division!

And through it all, there has been one constant, one consistent, top performer - Tony Carr, invisibly building the future despite his roots in a better, more wholesome past.

MBE? He deserves a bloody Knighthood!

Le Soporifique

Mon Dieu, c'est terrible. La France est merde. Henry est sur la colline et le directeur est sans une indication. Quel jeu ennuyeux!

ITV Coverage of World Cup Off To A Tame Start

ITV have had 4 years to prepare for this but they looked as ready for the World Cup as...well as Zola looked for management in the Premiership. The panel were positively dull. How on Earth does Marcel Desailly keep his job? He is so tedious. Is it a throw back to the Ron Atkinson affair do you think? One of our commentators called him a black bastard so we have to employ him or everyone will think we agree! Ron was, of course, wrong to racially abuse the guy but I'm happy to say that Marcel is a boring bastard! At least Marceau had the decency to shut the fcangleterre up! I'm starting a new campaign, "Kick Desailly Out Of Football!"

Then there was Gareth Send Us To Sleep Southgate. No wonder he took Miserableborough down! By the time he's finished a sentence, I've nodded off. Just imagine Gareth trying to motivate Mido! What a combo!

Andy Townsend, to be fair, does, at least, employ inflection and displays some passion. Which is more than you can say for Adrian They Should Only Give Me The One Show Chiles. Boing Boing? Listening to his voice you might as well have Zebedee come on to say "Time for bed"! And amazingly he was in the bog when South Africa scored the opening goal of the tournament! "Excuse me guys," he allegedly said, "I've just thought about being on the couch with Christine Bleakley and have to go and knock one off".

Mind you, even Chiles couldn't outblunder the silly cow sent to witness the "excitement" of the fans in a South African village that has only just got electricity for the first time today! Having made that point a good fifty times, she then told us, with a note of surprise in her voice, that the fans don't normally watch games on TV, relying on radios instead! Like derrr, without electricity, how exactly would they be able to watch football on TV? With the honourable exception of Gabby Yorath, women should not be allowed to cover football on TV.

So, the BBC don't have much to beat do they? Mind you, just the thought of Hansen and Shearer is enough to put me into a coma!

Carlton To Tottenham

According to reports on the net, the Cockyfools have asked us to "name our price" for Carlton Cole. Now I suspect somebody has got a little confused, muddling up his Joe and Carlton Coles, but if Tottenham really did ask the question, hoping to team him up again with Bellyache, I trust Avram and Gold's reply to 'Arry was something along the lines of, "an equal pound of your fair flesh cut from whatsoever part of your body most pleases me"! That would make Redknapp's head twitch with a vengeance!

The Bobby Moore Story

Watching the Booby Moore story as I type this and I've just seen Mike Summerbee in tears as he tried to talk about the great man. Strange, I never liked Summerbee as a player, there was something about him that got up my nose for some reason but now...well I have huge respect for the guy! Dennis Law has paid tribute so far and so have Tarbuck and Michael Caine and now Venables is chipping in...and now George Best (from beyond the grave!).

A little clip now of Moore playing football with and talking to thalidomide kids. Everybody of my generation has memories of Moore. I've recounted before my personal memories, including when I met him in person. He was a wonderful man and quite simply, the greatest defender ever to play in England, arguably in the world. A special man and talent.

At The Double

Batman and Robin, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Laurel and Hardy, Morecombe and Wise, Little and Large, Simon and Garfunkel, Lennon & McCartney, Plant and Page, Chas and Dave, Toshak and Keegan, Adams and Bould, Bacon and Egg, Parma Ham and Melon, Stawberries and Cream, Cagney and Lacey, Tongue and Groove, Black & White, Ebony and Ivory, Othello and Desdemona, Richard and Judy, Cameron and Clegg, Tony and Gordon, Major and Currie, Meat and Two Veg, Pamela Anderson, Apples and Pears, Park Lane and Mayfair, Redknapp and Brown Envelopes, Saint and Greavsie, Sullivan and Gold, Starsky and Hutch, Crime and Punishment, Bra and Panties, Lineker and Beardsley, Spector and Defeat, Cottee and McAvennie, Tevez and Mascherano, Boycott and Edrich, Lillie and Thompson, Sheringham and Shearer, Abbot and Costello, Zola and Clarke...and Dumb and Dumber!

Daylight Robbery In Liverpool!

I know that headline is a bit like "The Pope Is A Catholic", but the breathtaking cheek of the Yanks in raising season ticket prices for Liverpool fans next season cannot go by without a comment. No Champions League football and the once mighty Reds finishing below Tottenham, Aston Villa and Unreal City, and yet they still up the season ticket prices by an above inflation 7%!

How did they come up with that figure then? Elementary my dear Hicks! Liverpool finished in 7th place in the Prem didn't they? It's a damn good job for the Scousers that they didn't finish where we ended up, or that price hike could have been 17%!

And why the price rise in the first place? (First place? That's a place reserved for Man Utd and Chelsea these days isn't it?) Well I suppose that they have to raise the funds to pay off Rafa's compensation settlement somehow. And meanwhile, Rafa walks into the job at Inter Milan and prepares a bid for Gerrard. Torres to Chelsea whilst they are about it anybody?

It shouldn't happen to such a wonderful club should it? But King Kenny will save them won't he? Yeah, just like King Kevin and Prince Al saved Newcastle! When the wheel of fortune starts to roll down hill, it is desperately difficult to stop!

And how exactly will the Liverpool fans finance this disgraceful Failure Tax? Stand by for headlines in the Liverpool Echo next May, "Burglaries Up 7%"!

Green Light For Rob To Go!

With the announcement that we don't propose to open new contract discussions with Rob Green any time soon, it seems that Avram, Sullivan and Gold share my opinion of the England stopper. He is good, but he aint great.

The big question is now, who have we lined up to replace him? Foster has gone. Hart isn't an option. There's the Palace keeper rumoured to be joining us but if he is good enough, surely he would be a Premiership player by now? Maybe David James is going to show up after the summer in South Africa but are you allowed to climb on a zimmer frame to take crosses?

Who else is there? I proposed we bought Harper from Newcastle before Unreal City bought Given but that is no longer an option. Perhaps Grant will be watching World Cup keepers closely. If all else fails, we could put McCarthy between the sticks. He might not be very agile but he would certainly fill the goal! (A point Carlton seems to be making in that picture!)

Avram Signed Sealed And Delivered

The work permit has been rubber stamped so Avram is now officially our man. Sound the trumpets and lets hope the walls of Jericho don't come tumbling down!

The summer has started well with the arrival of Hitlersburger. We are being linked with Belhadj (a new Bellend at Upton Park?)and Yakubu too. And so far, nobody has left. Well nobody other than Mido, General Franco and Ilan - and we didn't own any of them anyway.

Ilan's agent is working hard meanwhile, trying to convince the world that there is a queue of clubs looking to sign the Brazilian. I'm very comfortable with the decision to release him personally. Yes his goals per games ratio was impressive but he didn't look like he would sustain it over an extended period to me. Franco looked the better player to me. And he was 34 so, again, his release makes sense. What is reassuring is that S&G released them, rather than sign up two available and cheap options. That suggests they are serious about overseeing improvements on the pitch as well as in their bank balances.

Roll on the second signing. In the meantime, there's the little matter of a World Cup!

After Destiny's Signing Of Der Hammer, Who Next?

Apparently, Hitlersburger is claiming it was “destiny” that brought him to West Ham. Yeah like he knew we were known as the Hammers before he signed! I reckon it was the same “destiny” that brought Neill to the club personally – Destiny being spelt Der Wonga.

But still, it gets one thinking about who else might have been destined to join us because of his name. Well, given our recent history, it’s amazing we missed out on that other famous German, Stefan Kuntz, before he retired. Bernt Haas should also have arrived whilst the Icelanders were in control, along with Carlos Costly. Of course, we nearly signed Rod Fanni to play full back last summer; but we settled for Spector instead and he is a complete Kuntz anyway! Given the performances of Jimenez last season and what Sullivan and Gold are now prepared to pay for a player, we really should have snapped up Milan Fukal; whilst surely McCarthy deserves to be teamed up with Hulk!

Watching our performances under Zola, surely Jelleyman was a must whilst Misse-Misse would have been a better bet than Mido! If we sell Green, surely given the way S&G made their money, Quim is a must as his replacement. Assuming we can’t afford any Brazilians, we could team him with Minge and Muff.

And every one of those has genuinely played professional football! But believe you me, none have caused more laughter when seen on an opposition’s team sheet than the names of Spector and Mido!

The Official Site Doesn’t Know Its Arsch from Its Ellbogen!

The Official Site doesn’t know its arse from its elbow it seems. Teasing the imminent arrival of Hitlersburger, the OS announced that the new signing was a “proven international with over 60 caps”. Now some have been gloating because, based on this information, I predicted the arrival of Petrov from Unreal City. But how could it be the German, given he has only 51 caps?

Sullivan assured us all that the club had really done their homework on this one. Done their homework? They don’t even know how many international caps the guy has got!

Unless of course, the OS thought Petrov was the first scheduled arrival?

Yak In Claret & Blue

Feed the Yak? Well he looks like he's been going to the same diner as Benni McCarthy to me, but the rumours have resurfaced about us signing Yakubu. At £5m, would he represent good value for money? I suppose if Cole can really be sold for £15m, it wouldn't be terrible business.

Who else could we buy? Doyle would be good but I doubt that we could afford him. Pekengese from Portsmouth doesn't score enough goals. Beattie is too old and slow. Kitson isn't good enough. Pavlova would cost too much. Fletcher has been snapped up by Wolves annoyingly. Beckford has joined Everton and probably isn't good enough anyway. Robbie Keane? Would he join us? Would Spurs accept £5m? If the answer to those two questions is yes, I would have him! Carroll? I doubt Newcastle would sell and the boy is trouble unfortunately.

So who else? Ideas on a saucy postcard please.

Sullivan and the Fleecing of Gold

(This article has been submitted by Stani)

“Men still have to be governed by deception”…

…that's probably Sullivan’s favourite quote. Machiavelli once wrote “[the] one who deceives will always find those who allow themselves to be deceived”, and unfortunately, Sullivan knows that in fans of football clubs he is always able to find such an attribute.

If you thought Duxbury was a snake, well let me tell you that the randy boys are no angels. One thing Duxbury did not do is squeeze every penny out of the supporters at every opportunity. Whether it was because he just wasn’t shrewd enough doesn’t matter. G&S are mugging us off at every opportunity and where there is no opportunity to do so, they’re creating them. I have signed up for the club emails and there is not a week that goes by without some kind of email selling me something which is totally useless but is a way of G&S making money.

They could have easily bought our club out right. They could have easily invested much more. They have the capacity to do so but they have not. Why? Because they are not the fans that they may have you believe they are. They are treating our club like any other business….in fact, like their other businesses. But a football club is not like any other business. West Ham was not the only club they looked at before purchasing. They looked at both Portsmouth and Crystal Palace which is why they knew so much about them. They are treating our club purely like a business.

Let’s take the recent hunt for a manager as an example of their deception. When reports started to surface that they had offered it to Grant already, G&S thought ‘we can’t be seen to be making an appointment without even having drawn up a short-list or spoken/interviewed other candidates’. So they play their media game (which they have done from day one) and release other names to the media just to make it seem as they they’ve been looking. Who are these other managers that were interviewed? Were Allardyce, Holloway or Jones interviewed? Was there even an interview process? So why are they fooling us and making us believe there was?

As for the Hitzlsperger signing; the first signing would have been the one they were wanting to set the tone with and it says it all that ours is an average player on a free. He’s a decent player, but surely if they wanted to give us a taste of things to come, we would be seeing someone better arriving? Then there’s the over-selling of him to us on the official site. What was the need to do so? We are not stupid David. I hope Grant is strong enough to make demands as now that they have got their man in, they will have to support him.

So let’s not have this subconscious resignation to G&S and stay wary of their every move and utterance. I would love for G&S to prove me wrong. The one hope I hold is that Sullivan is simply too dumb to get away with his games and will be seen for what he is eventually. So let him weave his tangled web.

Benni's Bit On The Side Is More Than Relish It Seems!

Well, well, well Benni has been a naughty boy! Stories are now emerging of him bringing women back to his hotel room at four in the morning. Apparently it is the bulge in his trousers rather than the bulge around his middrift that has cost him his place in the South Africa squad!

It does at least suggest that, despite his Sumu build, Benni can still get into the box and score! And given the prevalence of AIDs in South Africa, this may simply have been a drastic ploy as part of Benni's weight loss programme.

I don't know, what with Avram and Benni at the club, the working girls of Newham could be in for a busy winter!

After The Signing of Der Hammer I'm Glad All Over

What is wrong with me? Do I need to see the doctor? Maybe it is the weather. But somewhere over the last couple of weeks, I've lost my healthy dose of cynicism. England? We're going to win the World Cup! West Ham? We're on the march after the signing of Hitlersburger. Avram? Great appointment. Sullivan and Gold...well let's not get carried away!

Now, if we look at this logically, this "Glad all over" feeling is just plain stupid. Hitlersburger arguably failed at Lazio after being shown the door at Stuttgart. He has been dropped from the Germany squad for the World Cup too. Are there not echoes of Luis Jimenez here? An early summer signing to boost the morale of the fans, a way of saying, "Don't worry, things are not as black as they appear"? We all know what happened to Jimenez of course, and we all know how his signing was a false dawn in more ways than one.

The hard truth, if you care to see it, is that Hitlersburger came in on a free and we are supposedly negotiating to sell Green, Upson, Cole and Noble at the moment. Now, if the funds generated are made available to Avram, then maybe this is fair enough, although isn't that rule coming in about having a certain number of home grown players in your squad this year or next? We shouldn't pack our team with foreigners for that reason alone. And anyway, Di Canio apart, our foreign imports haven't covered themselves in glory at Upton Park have they - Van der Elst is probably the second best and you have to go back a long way to get to him. Next best? Bilic? Then? Repka?

Logic screams, watch out, S&G are taking you for a ride! "Roll up, roll up, buy your season ticket and see Der Hammer!" But, for some reason, this weird gene keeps pumping optimism and good vibes around my body, forming this impenetrable barrier in my brain. Next season I am going to be cheering on a German on a football pitch for the first time in my life and, weirdly, I'm feeling glad all over!

So, after England win the World Cup, expect West Ham to finish mid table in the Prem and bring a Cup back to Upton Park. You heard it here first and I need to go and have a lie down: I haven't been that optimistic since...well I've never been THAT optimistic actually!

Come On You Der Hammer Irons!