London's Burning and the Aldershot game has been postponed.

Well Sullivan did warn us of Armageddon if West Ham were relegated and it's looking as if he was right! We had the Icelandic eruptions and the global financial crisis, now the world's economic system stands on the point of total collapse and bonfire night has been pulled forward three months in London.

I drove down Lavender Hill in Wandsworth / Clapham about an hour before it all kicked off last night - returning from my father in law's funeral, and my wife commented on the number of young black youths milling around. I put it down to the fact that we usually make the journey on a Sunday instead of a Monday, not imagining that we were on the brink of a mob revolution.

God only knows what the government and police can do in a situation like this, other than pray for rain. If it is pissing it down, most of these bastards won't go out in the rain - that's how "political" this all is! This was triggered initially by a bastard being shot by the police - note the way that his brother said that he wouldn't be stupid enough to shoot at the police, not that he wouldn't carry a gun! The police should now be empowered to shoot any rioter on sight. This isn't anarchy, this is playtime and larceny. If the rioters knew they would be shot if they took to the streets, they would stay at home with Mummy.

Allardyce scared of his own shadow.

To what extent is Allardyce a prisoner of his own reputation? The team I watched yesterday was not an Allardyce team, it seemed to me to be a team put together with an eye on pleasing the fans, a team designed to belie the Doctor Evil tag, a team that was a concession to the values of the club.

How else can you explain the selection of Parker in an advanced midfield role? How else do you account for the inclusion of Sears in a 4-3-3 / 4-5-1 formation? How else do you rationalise how infrequently we got the ball into Cardiff's box? Some are trying to suggest that we played route one yesterday but I saw no change from the way we played last season, or the season before. It was toothless stuff as we tried to gum the opposition to death.

And Allardyce was on the touchline too. Allardyce doesn't do touchlines, he sits up in the gods and talks into a microphone. But Zola did touchlines and Avram did touchlines too and I had the feeling that somebody had mentioned to Sam that West Ham fans like to see the manager in the thick of the action, not sitting aloof. Or perhaps he just wanted to put as much distance between himself and Sullivan as possible!

Well, if this was all a fop to the Academy reputation, it went disastrously wrong. If Allardyce is going to succeed he has to do it his way. Doctor Evil has to be given his head, we don't want a Mini Me version otherwise we could have appointed Sammy Lee.

Blackpool and Southampton showed you can play your way to victory in this division but yesterday suggested to me that this team under Allardyce can't. I want to see passion, I want to see commitment, I want to see conviction. Give me a team of thugs over the team of pussies I saw yesterday. Get the gloves off Doctor Evil and let's play dirty, let's play mean. Let's bully our way to promotion!

Played with all the passion and intensity of a pre season friendly!

The most sickening thing about today's game is that the players didn't care. When Parker overhit a pass and Nolan ended up 'in the crowd', he came out all smiles - and that betrayed the mood of the team. Over 93 minutes of mundane, low tempo football which should have infuriated and frustrated the players, we didn't pick up a single booking - and Howard Webb was in charge!

Think about that for a moment. This is a blood and thunder division. This was the first game of the season at home in front of an expectant crowd. This is a team managed by Doctor Evil Allardyce. Dear God, has ANY team managed by Allardyce ever lost and not picked up a single booking? If so, it would be a very rare event indeed. Bloody Kevin Davies collects yellows like my Nan used to collect Green Shield Stamps.

But when a team is gutless, when a team has no fire in its belly, when a team doesn't give a flying fcuk, is it any wonder they can get through a game without inducing even Howard Webb to show a yellow? Even more of a worry is the fact that Cardiff were able to hold us at bay and only collect one yellow themselves, and that because Cole stood on the bloody ball! We didn't stretch them, we didn't run at them, we didn't threaten to hurt them - so the whole game was played at the tempo of a pre season friendly and the atmosphere of the crowd matched!

And this is how it has been for two years now. Allardyce warned in mid week that he had not been able to get into the heads of the players yet. He warned that this team are attuned to defeat. He hinted that this is a squad that has forgotten how to win. He should now say it how it is: this is a team that doesn't give a shit.

Some are arguing that the players were nervous. Nervous? Nervous about what? Nervous about playing Cardiff in the NPower Championship? How are Parker and Green going to perform for England if their legs and hands turn to jelly in a game against Cardiff? How do any of them have a future in the game if they freeze in a match like this? It had sod all to do with nerves, sod all to do with tension and everything to do with apathy in my book, which is why Webb had such an easy afternoon.

It was Sunday. It was a 1 pm kickoff. It was just a matter of time before we scored. It was a stroll in the Upton Park. It was a fcuking betrayal yet again.

Allardyce made excuses and he shouldn't. The fans deserve better and deserve a manager who tells it how it really is. He should have pulled off Parker as a statement, not Noble. He should have got Collison, Cole and Barrera into the action much earlier. He should have kept them locked in the dressing room for an hour after the game and told them what we all think of them.

The message must be 'Never again'.

Same old. Same old. No lessons learned!

I am not going to take the high ground here, I accept that others are just as aware as I am of why this team is so poor. The trouble is, 95% of the fans don't get it for some reason and the bloody owners seem to have no idea either.

Let's state it once again therefore and HOPE that somebody takes notice. This team has not been able to win games for two years now because:

1) Our full backs are crap and cannot block crosses into the box. Once again today, a BASIC error from a player in the left back berth cost us the game. We've had Spector, Ilunga, Ben Haim, Gabbidon and Bridge and, to be honest, they have all been shit. It's been no better at right back and, whilst O'Brien was impressive going forward today, he didn't look so hot when called upon defensively. We HAVE to sign a quality left back and a viable option for right back. It is absolute folly that we have not done so already. Three points flushed down the toilet. A depression settling upon Upton park already. And why? Because yet again we have prevaricated rather than doing our transfer business early.

2) Green is a liability. Add up on your own hands how many saves of note he made last season. Then borrow a few hands from your family and friends to add up the number of mistakes he made: poor clearances, dropped crosses, dreadful positioning, poor handling. The guy is ordinary at best and is certainly not the best keeper in this division as somebody claimed on the match report thread.  Today, he made two saves you would expect any keeper to make and was hopelessly at fault for the goal.

3) Parker is not as good as his admirers seem to think he is. He lacks vision, awareness of others, the ability to weight a pass and an end product. He is the classic "tunnel vision" player, seeing a narrow section of the pitch at any given time. There were loads of examples today but the worst was when we were breaking four on 4 and he carried the ball and carried the ball and carried the ball and then, looking straight ahead as usual, he tried to thread the ball through a gap that did not exist instead of moving the ball to the right. Look at that overhit pass to Noble! Look at that pass into touch! Look at the overhit pass to Nolan! Look at how he stood in an offside position out on the touchline! Time and again, Parker gave the ball away - he was truly dire.

4) We do not have a striker worthy of the name in the squad. Cole is a presence but can't score. Piquionne is a lazy arse. Sears, on that showing, is an embarrassment. Carew has to be better than Piquionne but he will not score 20 + goals over the season.

5) There is no pace and no flair in our midfield. It is so so rare to see a player break beyond the target man. Taylor and O'Brien showed what can be done if you attack down the flanks but how often do we get the ball wide? Hardly ever. When we do, the first thought is to come back inside rather than get down the outside and knock in a cross that players can attack. Is Barrera the answer? Or Stanislas on the right? Or Faubert? Somebody HAS to do it!

We are a million miles away from having a decent team. I warned before kick off that we could lose this and that if we did, the best we could hope for is the play offs. On that showing, we may struggle to finish in the top half of the table - we were THAT bad!

Yesterday I called this a "must win game" and people scoffed. Anybody betting on us to win the division now must be either blind, stupid, drunk or insanely optimistic.

West Ham 0 Cardiff 1 - The Nightmare Never Ends!

Well I called it, but the Cardiff goal came 30 minutes later than I predicted! First home game, no real threat on goal all match and a defensive error, compounded by crap keeping resulting in a 1-0 defeat!

England men? Dear God, if Parker and Green are England men, then we are in desperate trouble at international level. Tell me, apart from 2 yard passes, what was Parker's pass completion rate in this game? Every forward pass was overhit. He managed one cross onto the head of Nolan and apart from that, he was awful. His third touch is always an attempt to control the ball after his first two touches have allowed the ball to get away from him. Look at when he was clean through in the first half. I could have nicked the ball away from him his control was so poor. Look at the times he overhit his passes, especially when Noble tried to squeeze in. It was a great opening but Parker overhit his pass dreadfully. An England player my arse! A West Ham great my arse. An £8million man my arse. Worth £83,000 a week, my arse!

Then look at Green. His clearances were poor all match and as for the goal, well what can you say? He got two hands to it and still let it hit the back of the net! Crass. Crap. Another Green error costs us a game. But still the blinkered morons defend him like they idolise Parker. These two guys have been a major part of the problem for the last 2 years and I just hope and pray a chairman is idiotic enough to waste good money to take them off our hands!

Mind you, Green was only involved because of dozy arse Ilunga. The danger signs were there when Green headed the ball into touch 10 minutes earlier and the whole left side of our defence went to sleep as Cardiff took a quick throw. Where was Ilunga as the ball was carried into our box? Thirty yards behind the play, ambling as usual. So, for the goal, what did he do? Dwelt on the ball, lost it, tried to buy a free kick and gave up. The guy is a disgrace.

Mind you, we have to look at how toothless we were going forward too. Nolan barely featured. Piquionne deflected a great Taylor cross onto the post. Barerra made it too easy for Marshall after a Cole flick on. And Tomkins had a header cleared off the line that Nolan should have deflected in. But apart from that, what did we offer second half? We were dire because we have no creative flair in the team. Which brings us back to Parker! Did you see his pass into touch? Did you see the way Whittingham caught him in possession inside his own half and Parker responded by giving away the free kick? Did you see that break when it was 4 on four, Parker in possession and Parker ran, and ran and ran and then kicked the ball straight to Gerrard? England man? God help us!

Who played well? Taylor and O'Brien. And Tomkins and Reid, although once Cardiff brought on their big French guy, they looked much more troubled. Promotion favourites? We will struggle to make the play offs!

Player Ratings: Green 5; O'Brien 7, Tomkins 7 Reid 6, Ilunga 1; Sears 2, Nolan 4, Parker 4, Noble 5, Taylor 8, Piquionne 5. Subs: Cole 5, Collison 5, Barrera 4

Half Time West Ham 0 Cardiff 0 - Is that Avram in a Doctor Evil mask?

So, were we relegated? Has Grant been replaced by Allardyce? What a pile of shit! Marshall has made one proper save so far -and my Mum could have saved Piquionne's effort - and Green two.  The crowd is silent, there is no atmosphere what so ever, and the players don't even look fresh and fit - so much for Allardyce's fitness regime!

There is no penetration whatsoever - just like last season - and when we did create a chance after a brilliant run by O'Brien, Sears blasted it over the box.

Let's have our first roll of shame shall we? Piquionne looks casual - as usual. Sears looks out of his depth - as usual (which is worrying given this is the Championship!). Ilunga has looked crap - as usual. Nobody is running beyond Piquionne - as usual. Nolan seems to have caught the West Ham disease - he has barely been involved. Parker had a great chance but panicked and over ran the ball - as usual. Parker's first forward pass went out for a goal kick - as usual. Cardiff's best opportunity came after Parker gave away a free kick on the edge of our box - as usual, except Scotty thought he was in goal this time!

The pluses? Reid and Tomkins have played well so far. Green has made two saves but his kicking has been dodgy again. O'Brien looks good going forward but crosses are coming in from both flanks - as usual! Taylor has impressed.

What a desperately depressing 45 minutes! Hopefully Allardyce will lay into them. Hopefully Gold and Sullivan are reaching for the cheque book. Hopefully Allardyce ditches the experiment of using Parker in an advanced midfield role and gets Collison on. Hopefully we will play a 4-4-2 diamond second half, Parker or Noble anchored, Nolan advanced,  Taylor left, Collison right, Cole up front with Piquionne.

No Cole, No Collison

Interesting. Glad Sears is in! Faye only on bench.

How committed is Parker?

That has to be a nagging worry. Scotty has impressed people over the last two years because of his drive and his desire. In truth, the talent isn't that special, but the heart has appeared huge and for many, that has more than compensated. Everybody loves a trier.

But the England squad has just be announced and Parker wants to be elsewhere anyway. With his England place at risk following a distinctly average performance against Switzerland, will Parker want to "go in where it hurts" in a West Ham shirt, knowing that a serious knock could see him ruled out of the Holland game and possibly miss out on a move back to the Prem?

If Parker is anything less than 100% committed, his performance levels will drop hugely. I don't think Allardyce will dare to drop him - imagine the reaction of the natives - and I suspect that once the whistle blows, adrenaline will kick in and Parker will start charging around like a headless chicken as per usual; unless Doctor Evil has got tough with him and told him to do the bloody job he is paid to do.

£83,000 a week is a lot to pay a guy to sit and hold, but that's the job we need Scotty to do. Here's hoping he has the brains and the hunger to do it!

Sullivan should tell Capello to shut the fluck up!

Now I would not be adverse to Parker leaving as regular readers of this blog can testify, but I really don't think it is the place of the England manager to be encouraging Scotty to demand a move to the Premiership. He is paid by and contracted to West Ham United and, as far as I know, as Parker's employers, we are under no obligation to release him for England duty - particularly for completely meaningless friendlies.

In the light of Capello's utterly inappropriate comments, Sullivan should block Parker from joining up with the squad. How can we trust the Italian not to blackmail Parker into moving during the pointless get together after he has said he "hopes" Parker joins a Premiership club?

Get on the phone Sullivan and tell Capello that, instead of Parker, you are sending him a 12 inch Rampant Rabbit with very clear instructions on where to put it!

Is Cardiff already a "must win" game?

Bloody hell, the opening round of results are a cause for concern. Blackpool, Leicester and Southampton have all thrown down the gauntlet in a major way. Three points away to Hull and Coventry represent a great start for the Tangerine Dreamers and Sven's Also Walkers, whilst Southampton trounced Leeds. Why didn't I pick Lallana in my fantasy team? I knew the lad was good and he certainly impressed today. Meanwhile, Ipswich have possibly emerged as dark tractors with that surprise victory over their yokel second cousins.

Early season form can be misleading, of course, but there are a few teams in this division who can play football. To finish on top of this pile we are going to have to have our wits about us - and the squad definitely has to be strengthened.

Leicester now have two consecutive winnable home games. If we don't win tomorrow, they could be comfortably ahead of us before the end of August. Psychologically, tomorrow is huge and I have a nagging worry that 60 minutes into the game we will be a goal down and long balls will be pumped forward to the accompaniment of howls of derision from the crowd. Blackpool and Southampton proved today that you can play your way to victory in this division; I hope Doctor Evil took note!

Doctor Evil adds Norwegian Marksman to his Carew.

He is big. He is churlish. He scores at a rate of one goal per three games in the Premiership. And he is nearly a West Ham player. Ladies and gentleman, subject to a medical, Doctor Evil provides for your delectation, John Carew.

A good signing? Maybe. Does this mean Cole is leaving? Maybe. Does this mean Sullivan and Gold have no intention of spending MONEY on Long or Ngog? Probably. Why would they need to maintain these rumours now that the season ticket market has probably been exploited to the full?

Gold promised "at least one more signing". Well at least we have Carew.

Why were Sullivan and Gold attracted to him? He is on a free. Why was Doctor Evil attracted to him? Well stick bolts in his neck and who does he look like?

Play for Penalties!

One of the interesting things about last night's game at Hull was the number of committed challenges made INSIDE the box. The directive that you "stay on your feet" as a defender when inside your own box does not seem to have filtered down to the Championship.

To be fair to the Blackpool and Hull defenders, every challenge they made in the box was executed to perfection, but then they were up against slow yard dogs for the most part. There was a clear lesson here. Get players like Cole, Sears, Collison and Barerra running with the ball in the box and opposition players will dive in and superior skill and pace should invite a high number of spot kicks.

No Defence for West Ham

Judging from the response to my quick thread on the Faubert injury, West Ham fans have learnt nothing from the last two seasons. Why did we struggle? Well last season we conceded more goals from headers than any other team in the Prem and that tells a story!

For two years now I have nagged away about the lack of cover for the full back positions. Last season we used Gabbidon, Spector, Upson, Faubert, Tomkins, Reid and Ben Haim at full back - and NONE of those are specialist full backs. As a result, time and time again, we were exposed down our flanks and crosses were pinged into our box for unrushing forwards. Meanwhile, at the other end, until Bridge arrived, we had nobody offering width from the full back position, so limiting our chances to score.

Now the situation is, if possible, even worse! Bridge has gone. Spector has gone. Ben Haim has gone. Gabbidon has gone. Upson has gone. da Costa has gone. Spence, incredibly to my mind, has gone out on loan. That is SEVEN "defenders". And who has come in? O'Brien and Faye! How, exactly, are we going to win promotion with our present defenders? We are already only one injury away from a crisis!

Faubert is out for just 10 days providing the medics have got it right but it may be longer. That means we have NO cover for right back unless we move either Reid or Tomkins from the centre of defence. O'Brien, remember, does not have a good record with injuries so to expect him to complete more than 50% of the games is probably optimistic.

Meanwhile Faye is only just coming back from injury and is 33. He will collect injuries and suspensions over the season and, at that age, he may suddenly hit a wall with his form dipping alarmingly. Look at Upson who is younger!

We have not retained J Lloyd Samuel after his trial so we have NO experienced cover at left back. The first choice, Ilunga, has spent more time injured than fit over the last two years and there has been near universal agreement that he has been crap when available.

And for the two centre back positions, we only have three options: Faye, Tomkins and Reid, who was close to hopeless last season.

Now THAT overall is a frightening situation. This is a rough and tumble division and players will pick up yellow cards so you have to factor in suspensions as well as injuries.  Ilunga is injury prone. O'Brien is injury prone. Faye has picked up an injury PRE SEASON. Faubert is Faubert. Reid looked rank last season.

How long before Tomkins is the only defender in the team? We are an open invitation to be shafted at the back and Doctor Evil needs to sort it fast!

Faubert injured...

...so why is Spence at Bristol City exactly?

Hull 0 Blackpool 1 - A professional job well done

It is true that for 20 minutes of the second half, Blackpool looked the weaker of the two teams but, overall, this was a professional performance that, at times, exuded class.

The Taylor-Fletcher goal was an absolute gem and, over the 90 minutes, the Tangerine Dreamers signalled that they are looking to become the ultimate yoyo or, more appropriately perhaps, roller coaster club. They pass well, they move well, and with Kevin Phillips and Taylor-Fletcher up front, you have to fancy them to score a few goals. Three points away to Hull represents a great start!

Blackpool's Achilles heel appears to be down the flanks - had Hull possessed more class up front, they would have converted two or three from the chances created. As for Hull, they look mid table prospects to me.

Half Time Hull 0 Blackpool 0 - But Blackpool Looking Tasty!

Well Blackpool surprised a few people in the Prem last season - myself included - and it looks as if they have learnt from the experience. True, they haven't scored yet, although Phillips smacked a fantastic shot against the post - but the quality of their football has been an eye opener.

I remember their performance at Spurs last season when, until very late in the game, they held a goal lead and what impressed me at the time was how they passed the ball, even though they had their backs against the wall. Where most teams in that situation hoof it up the pitch, Blackpool passed the ball out of defence, playing triangles and moving off the ball impressively.

And their passing and movement during the last 25 minutes of the first half  here was definitely Premiership quality. There is always a man available for a pass and it has taken a number of last ditch interceptions and blocks to prevent them from creating a blue ribbon opportunity. If they keep playing like that in the second half, I would fancy them to score a couple.

But the frailties remain at the back, particularly down their right flank. Don't be surprised if Hull snatch a goal. Their failure to create a nailed on chance thus far suggests they will not be a major force this season.

Are Upson and Hitzlsperger Still Creaming Wages off West Ham?

Want to know why Upson and Hitzlsperger still haven't signed for another club? Because, according to the BBC, we still had to pay them until the end of July! So, with both having to accept substantial pay cuts for the coming season, they may have elected to remain unemployed so they can trigger a clause in their contracts enabling them to claim their big fat salaries until a week into the school holidays.

Whilst we have all been reckoning up how much the club has been saving on wages, the truth of the matter may be that we have been shelling out a fortune through the close season as part of these ex players' retirement plans!

Still, the fact they they remain clubless indicates that they are either demanding too much for their services or that clubs aren't that interested in signing them, full stop. Poor old Upson may even have to accept a miserly wage of just £20,000 a week to continue his career. Oh how the heart bleeds for him!

Perhaps Matty is putting together a Michael Owen style dossier as we speak. If so, may I suggest a title of , "Slow, lazy and uncommitted"? What's Hitz saying in that pic? Probably, "Never mind Matthew, they still have to pay us until the end of July!"

To read about how players are struggling to find new clubs, follow this link:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/14399073.stm

Feeling Tottenham's Collar

The bells of Big Ben chime. Out of the darkness we hear the whistling of "Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner". A policeman walks towards the camera. Cue Jack Warner:

Ah good evening. Do you know if you're a copper, you get a birds eye view of people in all walks of life. The criminal population isn't confined to one section by a long chalk. And sometimes when you get to the bottom of a case, you get a bit of a surprise.

They say there's a bad apple in every barrel and we thought at Tottenham, it must be 'Arry. But according to Sullivan and Gold, the whole barrel is rotten to the core. Never mind News International, the big scandal centres on breaches of the Data Protection Act by Tottenham when instructing a private dick investigating our bid for the Olympic White Elephant. It seems that this may be a police matter and that custodial sentences could follow. Presumably, if Levy is put on trial, other offences will be taken into account such as the attempt to con us into paying £6m for shot bolt Keane.

With 'Arry facing trial for tax evasion, he and Levy could end up in adjacent cells!

Green in Drag!

Just to put a smile on Fareham Hammer's face ahead of his latest encounter with the NHS, it appears that Coco the Clown has been moonlighting and donning drag! Follow the link to see our Rob's latest pre season warm up!

http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/world-of-sport/article/63355/

The Game's Gone Crazy Championship Fantasy League

We are up to 30 teams now! Personally I don't fancy the chances of any of the teams entered, because Avram's Avengers are going to walk it!

There's  just 24 hours to come up with with a side to beat Avram's master team. To enter follow the directions on the link below:

http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.com/2011/07/tggc-championship-fantasy-football.html

It's a fantasy, but it's good clean fun!