Official Site In Propaganda Overdrive Defending Long Ball Tactics

They do take us for a bunch of brainless twats don't they? Check out "The Big Interview" with captain Kev and have a sick bag at the ready. Dear God, I had the funny idea that we have relinquished automatic promotion in recent weeks courtesy of Allardyce's inept team selections and tactics, but apparently I am completely wrong.

According to the unnamed questioner, Captain Kev has "hit some good form at the right time"! Well fcuk me! Great form! With Captain Kev leading the charge over the last 14 games, we have barely collected enough points per game to qualify for 6th place if averaged out over a 46 game season! Brilliant! Kevin is "delighted" apparently. Well I'm chuffed that he is delighted! Perhaps he fancies another season in the Championship as he might have to strip fitter and leaner should we return to the Prem!

Best of all is the defence of "direct football". The questioner - Allardyce perhaps? - sets it all up with the very direct, "The team played more directly in the second half didn't they?" and Captain Kev responds from the prepared script: "in the first half we should have tried a few more long balls to open the game up" and "it was disappointing that we didn't see it and didn't realise earlier that we were playing balls we really shouldn't have been playing".

So that's it then, the Allardyce mantra to a T. Knock it long. Lump it. Play it short and you let the opposition score. So don't fcuk about. Hit it deep, hit it long, hit it high...and charge!

Another nail in the Academy of Football! But the Allardyce supporters don't care about that do they? Never mind that the only tactic he knows can't buy a win at home for love nor money. Allardyce knows best doesn't he?

Goodnight Vienna As Reading Win At Brighton

Credit where credit is due. Southampton have sustained their form all season long and Reading have put together the most amazing charge over the final two thirds of the season. Allardyce is blaming our "home hoodoo" in the most pathetic of styles, trying to hoodwink fans and critics into not seeing the blindingly obvious, that he has constructed a team without guile and balance which can hit teams on the break - thus our excellent away record - but which is utterly clueless at home when the onus is on us to attack.

Amazingly, there are still Allardyce defenders on here, but I suspect that is pride fcuking with them. Anybody with an once of humility will recognise that their backing of Allardyce was utterly misguided. Let's go through their defence shall we?

First off it was that the table doesn't lie and that we occupied a promotion place. Well that argument is well and truly buggered isn't it?

Then it was that Allardyce has turned us into a lean, mean defensive machine. Try telling that to Ipswich, Reading and Birmingham!

Then there was the "Look at how many players he had to ship out and bring in" argument. Oh yes? Then how do you account for Birmingham's position, given they had to move out more and had to cope with the Europa League too. Oh, and how much did Birmingham spend in the summer? Or in January?

The truth is, Allardyce has fcuked up big time, and so have all those "fans" who backed him to succeed. But hang on, I'm misreading this because I am in Romania apparently! Hammers fans are happy apparently! We are confident of winning promotion via the play offs seemingly. That was always Allardyce's game plan stupid!

Fools! Fools! Fools! As Benjamin would scream as the club of Greenwood and Lyall is carted off to the knackers!

Blame Allardyce: No Balance Again!

Listen to the great big berk: "The players, when we set out to win a game of football, they need to be aware of what the opposition do and what they don't do and what we did was play straight into Birmingham's hands in the first half." Excuse me, but who played straight into Birmingham's hands exactly?

Tell me, did the players pick the team? Did the players decide to go with the most attacking formation we have seen all season with no suggestion of a screen for the back four? Why can't the big fat brainless cnut get it? Play 4-4-2, you can't start Nolan. Play 4-4-2, and you certainly can't play Vaz Te and Nolan! Play 4-3-3 with Vaz Te and Maynard in advanced roles and you simply have to have a holding midfielder to screen the back four. This is basic stuff. These are the tactical details that a PE teacher could explain to a Junior School team.

Why is Allardyce going on about the third goal? It was the first two goals that were the killers, and Birmingham waltzed through us because of the lack of protection for the back four! I was watching on a dreadful stream in Brasov, Romania, and I spent the first 10 minutes trying to work out the team. I spotted Tomkins and assumed he was holding. Then he was in the right back berth and I thought, oh shit. It was so obvious what would happen as soon as Birmingham got hold of the ball! And sure enough, Mutch strolls forward, unchallenged, advances on out flat lined back four, grubs a shot and Green doesn't bother to move! 1-0! Then the stream went down. Three minutes later it was up again, but the score was two bloody nil!

It's time for Allardyce to face up and admit he fcuked up as he has fcuked up with his team selection week after week after week. Last night's team would have suited Doncaster at home and Bristol City at home and maybe even Palace at home. But Birmingham? What an oaf!

So we now have to pray that Reading lose at Brighton, Birmingham and Southampton. Mind you, even then we have to win at home, and that doesn't look very likely does it?

Allardyce claims: "We've paid for a sloppy first half yet again and unfortunately while it's a magnificent comeback once again it's only one point and not three and three is what we wanted." Nope. We've paid for numpty tactics yet again. The magnificent fight back came when a semblance of shape was given to the team by the replacement of Maynard with Lansbury.

Mega Monday for West Ham, Southampton and Birmingham. Reading Sit and Sweat!

So this is it then! Third plays fourth whilst the Saints face a tricky away game at Palace. If Claret & Blue triumphs in both games, it really is game on; if our home hoodoo continues and Southampton thump Palace, we can just about forget dreams of automatic promotion.

Allardyce faces a selection dilemma despite the thumping of Barnsley. Cole scored against Birmingham at St Andrews, remember, and netted against them in the League Cup semifinal last season. Horses for courses, or does Allardyce stick with Maynard?

Meanwhile, there is the terrible Zigic factor. We can't play the guy and Nolan seemed to understand that when he raked the Birmingham man shortly after he took to the field in the corresponding fixture in Birmingham. If Faye isn't there, Tomkins and Reid will have their work cut out. But Demmel at right back will help. That's four big men at the back, frustrating Zigic's tactic of pulling onto the back post to be marked by a smaller man. Diop may even start too, in place of O'Neil, to deal with the beanpole when he drops deeper for crosses.

Unlike Barnsley, Birmingham are in good form so this is a huge test! Meanwhile Southampton travel to a badly out of form Palace. It doesn't bode well does it? But should Palace win and Brighton do us a favour tomorrow and we beat Birmingham...we will all be Happy Hammers!

Sublime Finishes From Maynard and Noble!

Just how good were the Maynard and Noble finishes! I've only just caught them on YouTube, and bloody hell, Messi would have been proud of both goals. Maynard's finish from distance was inch perfect. A superb goal! But Noble's finish screamed quality. Sure it was a defensive cock up of monumental proportions, but there's no taking away from Noble's finish. He had the presence of mind to stop, look up, measure the chip and bend it from an angle just below the bar. A fantastic goal!

And what was with the McCartney shot that led to Vaz Te's goal? He hit that with his right foot! Amazing!

Just one reservation. How the hell was Nolan's goal not offside? He was standing on the line when he tapped it home with no Barnsley player near him!

Start all the Clocks, Reconnect the Phone - Sears has Scored!

Start all the clocks, reconnect the telephone,
Encourage the dog to bark with a juicy bone,
Plonk the pianos and beat a snare drum
Bring out the bandwagon, let the admirers come.

Let aeroplanes circle roaring overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is not Dead!'
Put claret and blue bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear cross hammered gloves.

He is our North, our South, our East our West,
Our working week and our Sunday rest,
Our noon, our midnight, our talk, our song;
We thought his drought would last forever: we were wrong.

The stars are wanted now; light up every one,
Unpack the moon and reassemble the sun,
Pour out the lager and worship where he stood;
For everything now must surely come to good!

OK it was only a penalty, and it was only in the old Third Division, but Freddie scored the FOURTH goal of his professional career! Move over Tony Cottee, the new fox in the box is back from the dead!

Liverpool's King Kenny to be Replaced By President Rafa

So now it is the referee's fault. Tiredness, bad luck, poor officials, Dalglish has trotted out all the old excuses. Perhaps it is time to admit that either his players are crap, or he is failing as a manager.

Dear God, Villa rocked up at Anfield today, and under McLeish, Villa are shit. But not shit enough for Liverpool to beat them. Let's face it, nobody is THAT shit these days! Even Wigan and QPR can triumph over the once mighty Reds, so why should Villa feel intimidated?

The bitter truth is that Liverpool are now a poor team, poorer indeed than they were under Woy Hodgson. The gap between Dalgish's £135m outfit and FOURTEENTH placed Swansea is now a pathetic FOUR points, but still Dalglish is blaming everybody and everything other than his players, himself and his tactics. What a bloody joke!

And who do Liverpool fans want to replace him? Only Rafa who destroyed a great club in his first term as manager! Is it any wonder Liverpool schools achieve amongst the lowest pass rates at GCSE in the whole country? Two plus two? "Eeeeeeee. Three. It is so. No, I'm telling you two plus two is three. It is. Ask me Mam. Ask me Dad if you can find 'im! It is, two plus two is three, always has been in Liverpool. Kenny? He's the King. Rafa? He's God. Kenny Rafa? I've just cum in my boxers!!"

Portsmouth's draw at Southampton is bad news for Reading too!

Every West Ham fan had his fingers, toes and cock crossed today, hoping that Pompey could get a result at Southampton; but any Reading fans wishing ill on the Saints probably miscalculated very badly indeed.

The key for both Reading and Southampton was to disillusion West Ham. I kept saying that there was a danger of Reading losing heart if they kept winning without climbing into the top two, and now the boot is on the other foot. Had Southampton won today, they would have negated our superb result at Barnsley and all our efforts would have felt in vain. Great we won, but so what? Reading beat Leeds with 10 men and Southampton would have maintained a six point gap. There was an increasing danger of a friendly style 1-1 draw when Reading travelled to St Mary's, or the New Dell as I still call it.

Now that game becomes a huge promotion head to head, providing we can start winning at home. If it's a draw, we can pull onto the shoulder of both, and if either team lose, they will feel the black pudding fuelled stench of Allardyce's breath on the backs of their necks.

I am in Transylvania at the moment, and West Ham have suddenly risen from the dead! Are those love bites on your neck Mark Noble, or Dracula's punctures?

It's all to play for now, and Reading fans may yet rue Southampton dropping points today.

QPR Must Sit & Wait & Pray Whilst Villa Sink Faster Than Birmingham Last Season!

The collapse in form of Swansea is great news for the gRs. The Swans' wings have been well and truly clipped and Hughes must fancy his chances of capitalising when Wales's very own Barcelona travel to London.

But for now, QPR are idle and praying that by the time they travel to Man Utd, they are not already back in the bottom three. Blackburn travel to West Brom having acquitted themselves reasonably in the home defeat against Ferguson's Champions elect, and will fancy themselves to pick up at least a point - enough to drop the Hoops back into a relegation place. Bolton, meanwhile, will fancy themselves at home to a Fulham team who have little or nothing to play for. Wigan will surely be playing damage limitation at Chelsea but, at the same time, will be hoping that Terry and co will be thinking Barcelona and take their eye off the Premiership ball.

But Villa are now the interesting Joker in the Pack. The appointment of McLeish was always perverse - why appoint a manager the fans already hate? - and he seems to be doing with Villa what he did with Birmingham; except his hasn't brought home the pot that rival manager Dalglish is currently pissing in. The argument always goes that points on the board matter most at this stage of the season, but confidence is a key factor too, and luck; and Villa seem low on both. Today's clash at Anfield see the division's two weakest teams on current form, Wolves apart, come head to head, and you have to fancy Liverpool to come out of the doldrums at Villa's expense.

An exciting afternoon ahead in the Prem with losers taking nothing in the key relegation games!

The West Ham Curse Lifted. Pressure Mounts on Southampton

That's it, I'm moving abroad! When I went in search of Mido earlier in the season, we thumped Forest 4-1 at the City Ground; and now I'm in Transylvania, hunting Van Helsing, and we annihilate Barnsley! I'm the bloody Jonah! When I meet up with Abraham Van Helsing in Bran Castle, he will drive a wooden stake through my heart!

I haven't seen the game so can't comment. Interestingly, my last missive didn't make it through to the News Now board. Perhaps, like Harker, my messages are being intercepted. My hotel is in the middle of nowhere, the guy on reception seems to be the only person in the hotel, the wife is complaining about an absence of mirrors and a wailing sack was left at the hotel door last night! Hang on....

Now the pressure mounts on Southampton! If Portsmouth could pull off a shock!

Allardyce on Good Friday Rant.

After Reading, it's the Long Good Friday and Sam's responding to the pressure:

"West Ham fans? Well, let's put it this way. Apart from their assholes being about fifty yards away from their brains, and the choirboys playing "'hunt the thimble" with the rest of them, they ain't too happy. I'm glad I found out in time just what a partnership with that lot of wankers is like. A sleeping partner's one thing, but they're in a fcuking coma! No wonder they're got an energy crisis out on the pitch! They just ain't natural. They're like one of them silent, deadly farts. No clue, and then pow, you go cross-eyed."

"These people don't deserve any more than dogshit on the doorstep. The ICF? I've shit 'em. Don't no one ever tell me what I can or can't do! Bent bloggers can be tolerated for as long as they're lubricating, but I'm warning Dale if he becomes parched, if I was him, I'd run for cover and close the hatch, 'cause he's gonna wind up on one of those meat hooks like that Hammersfan bastard. It's Good Friday. Even if we have a bloody mare, you don't crucify people! Not on Good Friday! I'll have their Claret & Blue carcasses dripping blood by midnight."

"For more than ten weeks there was peace - everyone to his own patch. We all had it sweet. I've done every single one of them favours in the past - I've put points on the board. I've treated them well, even when they was out of order, right? Well now there's been an eruption.  Now it's like a bad night in Vietnam. It's like fcukin' Belfast on a bad night. One of my closest friends - my reputation - is lyin' out there in the freezer. And believe me, all of you, nobody goes home until I find out who done it, and why."

"The players? What I'm looking for is someone who doesn't contribute to what West Ham has given to the world: culture, sophistication, genius. A little bit less than a hot dog, know what I mean? I tell the team, remember, scare the shit out of them. I say to the lads, try not to be discreet, eh? Becasuse I'm setting up the biggest deal in Europe with the hardest organization since Hitler stuck a swastika on his jockstrap."

West Ham Misinformation Bureau Working Hard To Combat Allardyce Rant

So the OS has gone into overdrive in an attempt to combat Big Sam's bollocks rant. In no way was Allardyce impugning the fans! As if! Allardyce reveres the fans. Allardyce understands that the club is the fans. Allardyce believes the fans are giving the team fantastic support.

Hang on, Allardyce was right. There is a lot of bollocks being spoken. And it's all on the Official Site.

To read the full unexpurgated bollocks, follow this link:

http://www.whufc.com/articles/20120405/big-sam-praises-fans_2236884_2724322

And for tomorrow's fairy story...

Reading Defeat Unhinges Under Pressure Allardyce

He's lost it hasn't he? The latest rant tells us all we need to know. There's answering your critics and there's losing control of yourself, and Allardyce has lost control. I know football is the working man's game and that East Enders are not exactly slow in coming forward with the odd swear word, but should somebody in a senior position and a high profile role really speak to the press like this?

"'Negativity has been very much in the forefront recently, which is strange because we have lost one in 12,' he told The Sun. 'You get opinions about our results like ‘James Tomkins shouldn’t be playing in midfield because he is a centre-half. You get all that bollocks. What happens is I look at the performance of every player and say to everyone who says that: "You’re talking bollocks."

'He played in that holding role for three games when we had 10 men — so that is how short memories are. That is how much bollocks is talked in football. I don’t listen to that drivel because what bothers me is that James Tomkins plays well.'

Lots of bollocks then Sam! Big bollocks! Total bollocks! Bollocks so big you have to carry them around in a wheel barrow!

The trouble is, we may have lost one in twelve but we have dropped 17 points over those 12 games and won just 19. That's a return of 1.58 points per game which over a 46 game season would see a team finish on 72 points; barely enough to qualify for the play offs. Run the form line back to the unlucky 13th game, a 5-1 hammering at Ipswich, and the points return becomes 1.46 per game or 67 points over a whole season, only enough to finish in 9th or 10th place. Now that is bollocks Sam! A bollocks points return! A bollocks league position! A huge great bollocks up in fact!

So stick that bollocks in your jock strap and smoke it Sam.

There's only one person talking total bollocks in the circumstances, and that's Allardyce!

Princess Brady's Chosen Few Rubber Stamp Stadium Switch - Or Else!

Bloody cheek. Brady is claiming West Ham fans back the move to the OS on the basis of canvassing the chosen few who have been allowed to see the plans so far. So "controlled" is this sample that there "hasn’t been a single dissenting voice" according to Her Royal Highness. Well there wouldn't be, would there, when they are part of a select politburo, enlisted to endorse the decisions of the leadership? Dare to express dissent, and their welcome would be quickly revoked.

We all know the game being played. It is frankly incredible that nobody has voiced concerns. Bring together 100 red blooded males and offer them the opportunity of a threesome with Kera Knightley and Nicole Kidman, and somebody will moan, "One is too thin and the other has been around the block once too often". In her desperation to make support sound total, the Princess simply reveals the farcical nature of the advisory board "representing a cross section of the fans". Well the cross section doesn't include people like myself, obviously, people who believe the Boleyn is our home and that the switch is a ploy to help Sullivan and Gold turn a profit.

And, of course, we only have the Princess's word that everybody approves the scheme, because the muppets have signed a confidentiality agreement preventing them from talking about it. So, for all we know, they may all be opposed but may be terrified of speaking out for fear of huge damages claims.

The whole business stinks. The Princess wishes she could share the plans with us all so we could all share the joy. But sadly, we haven't signed the agreement so we couldn't be sued if we spoke out and opposed the plan. Therefore we will have to wait. Wait until it is too late. And then we will be told, but the fans were consulted and every single one of you approved!

Southampton Want Stoke's Upson - A Season Too Late!

So the Saints want Matty Upson. Shame they have waited until now. We could have done with Upson transferring his can't be arsed commitment to the Southampton cause at the beginning of this season, rather than in readiness for Southampton's assault on the bottom six of the Prem next season!

As for Upson himself, one is tempted to gloat. Things haven't quite worked out for our former "skipper". There's no doubt that he was hoping to find a bigger club than Stoke when he jumped our sinking ship, but he has struggled to make his mark in Pulis's team of pugilists. I guess Upson is just too "take it or leave it" for the all aggro Stoke boss.

Shame. I'm sure we all wish Matty the very best for the future. He served our club indifferently whilst helping himself to a lifestyle that he could only dream of before Turds, Eggert and Duxbury paid him a King's ransom to switch to West Ham. Yet another of Curbishley's follies; the Saints are welcome to him!

Target Man Abraham Van Helsing To Answer West Ham's Prayers

The blog may go quiet for a few days. In the summer I went in search of Mido, journeying down the Nile to locate the whereabouts of the buxom Egyptian in order to remove the curse he placed upon the club when we declined to offer him a contract. And tomorrow I'm heading out to Romania to go shopping with Florin Raucioiu and to hunt down Abraham Van Helsing, hoping to establish the exact type and size of stake needed to drive through the heart of the undead Allardyce.

With good fortune, I will be able to evade the clutches of the minions of Count (a surplus 'o' there methinks) Allardyce and may even be able to relay messages via what ever form of rudimentary internet connection they have out there. We will see.


If you never hear from me again, you will know the dreadful truth about Allardyce. There are rumours of a coffin sized box of damp earth kept in the bowels of the Boleyn and it may be no coincidence that the guy followed hot on the heels of the Undertaker into the manager's office at West Ham, ordering all mirrors to be removed from the building as soon as he was through the door.


It doesn't bode well that the Wolves are howling on the eve of my flight but I will trust to God and do everything in my power to locate said Abraham Van Helsing. It may be too late to save us from another season in the Championship but we could yet save the club's soul!

Play at the Boleyn Invitation on the OS

Reading's McDermott might have seen the invitation extended on the OS and felt like a wedding guest receiving his invitation a few days after he has attended the shin dig. Play at the Boleyn? We did! And some!

Of course, the invitation may be targeted at Allardyce and his "team"of malfunctioning misfits. When, exactly, was the last time we PLAYED at the Boleyn? I can just about remember the last time we WON at home - although that involves a feat of memory - but the last time we PLAYED? God, when was the Blackpool game at the Boleyn exactly?

Perhaps by offering the opportunity to play at the soon to be defunct stadium, S&G are hoping to identify some cheap talent to replace Green, Tomkins and Noble when they depart in the summer? To be honest, there must be a better option than Faubert out there somewhere!

Dennis of Express Wages War on West Ham Fans!

So, according to Prick Dennis in the Express, not only are West Ham fans "delusional", we are also "arrogant". And for why? Because we are demanding automatic promotion at the first time of asking apparently.
 
Well, typically, Dennis the Blemish has got it wrong. Allardyce, bless him, didn't call us delusional because we wanted automatic promotion, but because we wanted to play football the West Ham way. But why let the little matter of facts get in the way of an article when all you want to do is antagonise Hammers fans eh Dennis Penis?
 
The Express hack plugged his column inches with the following nonsense:
 
"SOME West Ham fans are outraged that Sam Allardyce has called them deluded. They were upset when I said it in this newspaper seven years ago.

Then, as now, they had been relegated from the top flight. Then, as now, fans believed anything short of automatic promotion was a disgrace.

They could not see that being in two successive play-off finals was substantial.

Other, equally proud clubs would have killed for that. But the club of Bobby Moore, Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters “deserved” better, said many.

They are also the club of Marco Boogers, Titi Camara and Florin Raducioiu.

In their 93 league seasons, 43 have been in the second tier. They have not won anything for 32 years. They do not have a God-given right to canter to promotion.

One word for the assumption that they do is delusional. Another is arrogance."

The Boogers, Camara and Raducioiu line is a particularly cheap and lazy point given we laugh at these signings. He forgot Joey Beauchamp, McBenni McCarthy, Freddi Ljungberg and Kieron Dyer of course!

He also forgets that we stuck with John Lyall when he took us down and even backed Roeder following relegation until it was blatantly obvious to everybody that he wasn't up to the job.

Yes we are the club of Moore, Hurst and Peters, but we are also the club of Brooking, Bonds, Devonshire, Alvin Martin, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick, Frank Lampard, Glenn Johnson...

We are also the club of John Charles and Clyde Best - showing the way to others - and of Val der Elst, taking another lead in the game.

It is not the failure to win automatic promotion that has enraged the genuine West Ham fans, it is the appalling style of play. It is 4-5-1 at home. It is crude tactics. It is the safety first mentality. If we win automatic promotion, Allardyce can claim justification, but if he doesn't, we could have opted for the Holloway and Hughton route, playing the game in the right way and seeking to outscore the opposition rather than out bore them.

Anyway, Dennis the Relish had the completely wrong focus for the article. Doesn't he understand that it was West Ham fans who killed Princess Diana?

After Reading, Princess Brady condemns us to another Year of Allardyce - Or has she?

Interesting. According to Princess Brady, Allardyce's job is safe, irrespective of whether or not we go up. Well that's settled then isn't it? Or is it?

According to Sullivan & Gold's product tester, Doctor Evil has an excellent relationship with the Gobby One, who is backing his man right the way down the line. But significantly, Brady did not offer her personal endorsement, nor that of Gold.

So, the ringing vote of confidence is perhaps not as ringing as it at first appears. And, of course, the club has been stung by a constructive dismissal claim before so know to be careful. Time will tell.

McCartney Has Epiphany Mid Way Through Reading game

There's no flies on George. With West Ham leading as half time approached in the automatic promotion shoot out against Reading, Linda suddenly had a revelation, seeing a truth, until then, shrouded from the eyes of the Allardyce led team. I hand over to George to explain:

"“I actually said to Matt Taylor in about the 39th or 40th minute, we need a second goal, because I think that would have seen Reading off”.

Well bugger me with a Northern black pudding! Amazing! The idea that 1-0 isn't enough! Who would have have thought it?

Sadly we are not treated to Matty's response. He probably looked aghast and replied:

"Two goals, in one game? We're at home remember George. The boss doesn't like excess. Two goals is a bit over the top surely. This is Reading you know. This is the hardest division of all to get out of, except the Prem of course, and Reading are in second. And Carlton's already got his goal so who else will score? Dangerous game going for a second. Could leave ourselves exposed at the back. Best stick with what we have at the moment. Hang on, Kebe's got the ball, let's go and kick him!"