Aston Villa 3 West Ham 0 - Humiliating Stuff!

Well as big days go, it couldn't have been much worse. I suppose you could be waiting at the top of the aisle and a message arrives, "Sorry the bride has run off with your mother, but cheer up, they've made you a video of them having passionate sex"!

Grant, as I predicted, went largely with Zola's stagnant pool and boy he must be regretting it! Kovac's move to Stoke was delayed so he could play in this game; he lasted 45 minutes! Boa showed us all that the performance against City last season was the exception rather than the rule; he lasted 45 minutes too and failed to spot Cole completely unmarked on the edge of the six yard box, choosing to shoot instead.

Noble carried on the way he played most of last season, in and out, but mostly out. Upson looked his usual bemused self; what am I doing here, was written all over his face as he looked around in a desperate search for another West Ham defender.

Faubert's rebirth, as the TGV right winger we were all promised when he arrived, was derailed by the utter incompetence of our back four; he was switched back to right back but only after missing a glorious opportunity to score in the second half and failing to get onto a Cole cross in the first.

Ilunga was there but he didn't do much. Cole was isolated first half and ordinary in the second.

Parker ran around a lot but was typified by one glorious run when he weaved past three Villa defenders, but then, head down, failed to spot and play a pass on the edge of the Villa box. If Tottenham want him, he will go. Why on earth would he stick around to play with this pile of shit?

And talking piles of shit, we come to Green and Tomkins.

Now I have Green in my fantasy football team - I know, after all I've said about the guy! You see, that's the euphoria of a new season for you! That or senility! He was bloody awful today. Yes he made one very good save, touching over a Young chipped shot but, that apart, he looked trapped in his World Cup nightmare. No, hang on, he looked trapped in his 2009/10 nightmare! His positioning was poor, his panic under crosses was palpable and his assist for the first Villa goal, bettered only in terms of incompetence by the failure of the linesman to flag an obviously offside Downing, was embarrassing. Why did he push a ball that was going for a goal kick back into play? Well because he has no idea where his goal is at the moment. I know it is a bloody great big thing with a net attached, and I know it is anchored to the ground, but Green seems to have no idea whatsoever of its whereabouts most of the time. And to prove the point, Green elected to push another cross behind for a corner that, prior to his intervention, was heading for a West Ham throw! Second half, he did his very, very best to score an own goal, and interestingly, on the floor, in the middle of the goal, a yard from the goal line, he did his best TO GET OUT OF THE WAY, rather than grab the ball. He was hopeless. He really is England's number 666!

But Tomkins was even worse! I won't repeat what I said at half time, if you want to know how he tried to give Villa the lead, repeating his error against Wolves with knobs on, read the half time report. Instead, I will try to describe the third Villa goal. Villa were awarded a free kick just past the half way line on the right hand side. To be fair to Tomkins, I have no idea where Reid was, he certainly wasn't where he should have been. But as Villa prepared to take the free kick, Tomkins was JOGGING back, not paying any attention to the game. The ball was slipped to Albrighton (who was sensational all game) and he turned Tomkins this was and then that, WALKED past him as Tomkins floundered, and played the ball back for Man City bound Milner to score. I had to rub my eyes to check that Messi wasn't guesting for Villa, so easily was Tomkins done! Mercifully Tomkins was withdrawn from the action, as he was against Wolves in his last appearance. If this boy is the future of England then God help us!

Which brings us to Winston Reid of the starting eleven, the first Avram man on show. Let's just say he looked like a New Zealand player shall we? Maybe you can make excuses because the rest of the team were so poor, but to commit a foul throw when we were in an attacking position - well that is too basic an error and points to a player who isn't yet ready for the Prem. I hope to God we can find a right back before the window closes.

Barerra came on and showed in flashes. Piquionne came on but I'm not sure anybody noticed. Diamanti came on, but only to spare Tomkins any further humiliation.

All that hope, all that expectation. In addition to scoring three, Villa also hit the woodwork four times and an unmarked Carew aimed one header at the corner flag. I lost count of the number of times we failed to mark Villa players at corners! I think it is time for Sullivan to send fans another email!

Player ratings: Green 3; Reid 4, Tomkins ZERO, Upson 5, Ilunga 5; Faubert 5, Noble 5, Parker 6, Kovac 4, Boa 4, Cole 5 Subs: Barerra 5, Piquionne 4, Diamante 5