Morrison, Maynard and Vaz Te! And boy do we need them!

So that's it then, we couldn't get Jelovic so we upped the bid for Vaz Te. Maynard arrived as I predicted and the mystery man was Morrison.

Love the KUMB headline, no Tevez but Vaz Te. Very clever!

Don't know anything about Morrison except he is meant to have oodles of potential but a short fuse. Allegedly he has been arrested for thumping his Mum. Hope there's no truth in that! Has he got any pace, does he play wide, anybody know?

So, can these three transform a team that got thumped 5-1 at Ipswich tonight? Sadly none play in goal or at right back, left back or hold in midfield. There's still a problem with balance!

We are top of the Championship!

Great news guys, Allardyce has transformed the club from top to bottom, producing a lean, mean cynical machine a world apart from the disorganised rabble put together by Zola and Grant. All he needed was time for the team to gel to show how brilliant he is as a manager, and now, six months into the season, we are seeing what a truly fantastic job he has done!

I read his article in the Evening Standard on Friday and was so impressed by Allardyce's confidence. There was no mention of how poorly we have been playing, no allusion to our inability to score from open play, no acknowledgement that the last two games had been won on the back of dubious penalties, and no reference to the fact that we struggled to beat two teams in the bottom three at home, and a ten man Pompey team in the last three games. Three wins is three wins. End of.

No, Allardyce was boasting about three consecutive wins and telling us how we were on course, how everything was going to plan and how we had chased down Southampton and overhauled them. Now it was just a case of living with the added pressure of staying top and of seeing out the season. Easy! Especially when you get the ball into the box more than any other team in the division!

So what that we lost 3-0 at Reading? So what that the only time we have scored twice in a game since the beginning of December we needed two dodgy penalties to do so? So what that we have looked crap every time we have taken the field over the last two months? We are top you mugs! We are on top! That's all that matters! Top! Top! Top! Top! Top!

By the way, can anybody tell me the result of the game at Ipswich tonight? Sorry, I've been busy.

QPR's Fernandes Opens His Wallet!

Wow! Well it looks like I have to eat my words. Assuming that the Zamora and Cisse deals go through, Fernandes has come up trumps after all. And with Wolves and Wigan getting thumped as I write, it is hard to imagine that QPR won't now have the fire power to survive.

Of course all these new recruits have to gel and they may yet misfire but credit where credit is due, Fernandes has backed Hughes to the hilt and given the Hoops a real shot at staying up. If Hughes blows it from here, his reputation will be in tatters and Warnock will be laughing all the way to the benefit office.

So, apologies to Fernandes and to all you gRs for making you gnash your teeth every time this blog has hit your News Now board. But admit it, you've enjoyed it in a masochistic sort of way. And let's face it, to support QPR or West Ham, you have to be a masochist!

QPR signing no marks on the never never

Odd isn't it? Mittal has all this money, Fernandes has let everybody believe that there is a huge transfer war chest available, but thus far, only £2.5m has been spent, and that is probably based on meeting Nedum's inflated wages over the next two years. As with Wright-Phillips and Barton, you'll probably find that no fee has actually been paid to the "selling" club. With relegation release clauses in place, Fernandes knows that should Rangers drop, he can offload at modest fees, recovering the money spent on wages.

Now Diakite is arriving on loan - and what's his first name? Samba! So that's the Samba that Fernandes was chasing! Not the £7m man at Blackburn but the freebie loan deal from Nancy!

But Cisse could be on his way too - on loan of course!

I predicted Fernandes would not spend more than £5m in this window and even that figure is looking toppy now. Nedum is ordinary, Teiwo is probably a spent force, Diakate probably isn't Premiership class and Cisse has been here and been stripped of the Premiership t shirt after scoring just 23 goals in 84 Premiership appearances. His 17 appearances for Lazio have yielded a grand total of one goal so far!

Now excuse me, but is this really what you gRs were expecting when you came on here telling me that QPR would buy their way to safety in this window? Check back on all the insults you have hurled in my direction; so far I have been proved absolutely right: you are in a relegation fight, just as I predicted; you have sacked Warnock, just as I predicted; and Fernandes has kept his money in his safe, just as I predicted. Tell me, how much will you get from TV revenue and prize money for playing in the Prem this season? A hell of a lot more than Fernandes has stumped up to fund transfers!

Says it all really doesn't it? I kept warning you, Fernandes is mugging you over! And before you say it guys, I have been warning that Sullivan and Gold are doing exactly the same at West Ham ever since they took charge!

PS, the wrong you're has been used in that picture! Bloody morons everywhere it seems!

West Ham's New Ilan - We are 100% Underwhelmed!

Oh dear God. After all the talk, after all the rumours of £5m bids, we end up with a no mark journeyman who has toured the world in his caravan, desperate for a club to let him settle. The guy has obviously read about Dale Farm and heard that West Ham are the nearest club able to pay more than a grand a week in benefits.

To date Ze Eduardo has had FIFTEEN clubs. That's right, FIFTEEN! And he's been shown the door by all of them!

Sullivan and Gold are taking the piss here. And so is Allardyce.Since 2009 the bloke has netted a grand total of 14 goals - so one less than the number of clubs he has played for since 2004 then!

How much are we paying him? Probably a Mido - a grand a week. But even that threatens to be money down the pan. We saw how crap Mido was. We were duped briefly by Ilan. What hope is there of this outcast setting the Boleyn alight?

His record so far this season? Four appearances and no goals! Brilliant, just brilliant! Meanwhile Southampton are buying Sharp!

And to think I've been taking the piss out of QPR!

Three's Company: Jelavic, Maynard and A. N. Other before window slams closed.

It's getting tight to the wire, but expect West Ham to sign three before the window closes. Rhodes is the preferred option but it's looking as if Huddersfield won't let him go. One for the summer, perhaps, if we get up, although Rodallega might be a better option for the Prem - and cheaper!

So expect Jelavic and Maynard to join, with somebody else coming in on loan. Sears will go out on loan, and with luck Piquionne too.

This is a last throw of the dice to try to secure promotion.

Bristol City's Maynard on his way

Interesting that Nicky Maynard wasn't in the Bristol City team that lost at Reading today. McInnes claimed "Nicky Maynard didn't start because we won last week and I kept the same front three" but that is obviously bullshit. He is on his way out, and the buying club want him fit and ready for the next round of fixtures. The Bristol City manager added, "But there may be bids for him before the deadline closes and if there are then we will deal with it."

Did he mean to say "deal with it" or did he really mean "deal"?

Maynard wasn't at the top of our shopping list but he is somebody we have been looking at. He may not be coming to the Boleyn but he is almost certainly on his way out of Ashton Gate. Given he can leave on a Bosman in the summer, the fee would be very low so minimal risk would be involved. If he aint good enough, he can be moved on again in the summer. Sounds like a Sullivan style deal to me!

On yours marks, get set....sign anybody!

One month. One bloody month. So what do they do? They wait until the last two days. If the conduct of clubs like West Ham and QPR in the transfer window is not a definition of business madness, then tell me what is!

I know those in the know will say, "That's how it works." I know excuses will be made about clubs holding out for the best price. I know people will claim that you need one deal to oil the wheels of all the others, one big money move that starts a chain reaction. But it is all a load of cobblers when you look at the madness of the crazy rush that happens in the last 24 hours.

Tell me, how are considered judgements made in that last 24 hour scramble? What about player fitness? How do clubs assess the motivation of players they are scrambling to purchase? What sort of questions are asked in those final crazy hours? Can he still walk? Does he have a passport?

Madness. Sheer bloody madness.

QPR's tactical discussion for Chelsea game leaked.

Training pitch, Friday. Hughes calls the players together and dishes out the bibs saying, "Red bibs Chelsea, yellow bibs Man City."
"QPR boss," corrects Barton.
"Quite. Quite. Whatever. Now then boys, tactics. Big competition. FA Cup. Big game. Chelsea. Big club Chelsea. Big players. Chelsea."
"Not all of them boss, some of them are quite short," corrects Barton.
"Not from where I'm standing," corrects Wright-Phillips.
"Whatever, whatever," says Hughes, irritated and marking Barton's card. "Now then, Chelsea boys form a line to the left of the halfway line. Come on, come on, straight line. Form it up neatly. That's better. Now then QPR boys, file down the line and shake hands."
"Which one's John Terry?" asks Anton.
"He's number five, so fifth from the left," replies Hughes.
"But that's me," complains Gabbidon. "I'm not being John Terry. I'm black."
"OK, ok", says Hughes irritated. "Swap positions with who ever that it is standing next to you." Sparky turns to Eddie N and asks "Who the hell is that next to Gabbs?" and his coach replies with a shrug.
"Ok, now then, we have to get this handshake right," insists Hughes. "The eyes of the world will be watching."
"What about the game?" asks Barton.
"Look, who is manager here?" demands Hughes. "The game doesn't matter. It's the handshake that counts!"
"I'm not shaking John Terry's hand!" insists Anton. "He's a racist. He called me rude names."
The other players agree. "Not shaking his hand boss. Solidarity. Supporting Anton. Sharing a dressing room. Sticking together. All for one and one for all," each mumble to the other. Hughes is getting increasingly irritated, muttering, "It's like being back at Man City with bloody Bellamy and Tevez. Except they could play a bit of course!"
"Let's strike a compromise," Paddy Kenny suggests. "We could all refuse but Joey could shake Terry's hand in the centre circle. After all Joey's brother murdered a black teenager in a racially motivated attack."

A silence falls over the pitch. Anton looks at Barton and Barton looks back. And smiles.

"Up for that Joey?" asks Hughes.
"No problem for me to shake Terry's hand," replies Barton.
"Solidarity. Supporting Anton. Sharing a dressing room. Sticking together. All for one and one for all", the players mutter before Barton jogs alongside Ferdinand and asks, "Oy Anton, didn't you share a dressing room with Bowyer at West Ham after he beat up that Asian guy? Respect man, respect!"

The Messiah Resurrected On Green Street

And so it came to pass that the Lord came again unto the Earth in a place that had been named Green Street. And the people were sore amazed when the Messiah came amongst the pimps and the whore and the arch apostate Allardyce. For the soil was polluted and the air was polluted and the spirit was contaminated with every form of evil.

Any truth in the rumour that Tevez is returning? Well Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, so any one of the current squad could meet our Messiah outside the gates of the Boleyn and give the Argentine a piggy back ride into the home dressing room!

Sounds like silly season to me but my aunt grew bollocks and became my uncle, so who knows?

QPR Fans to Demand the Return of Warnock!

Well would you believe it? I throw in my lot with the Hoops, invest a fiver in them to win the FA Cup, and they duly slip out of the competition with a whimper. Under Warnock, QPR were good enough to beat Chelsea courtesy of a dodgy penalty; under Hughes they surrendered in similar fashion.

Sadly, because of Anton's petulance, I have to say that QPR got what they deserved. The decision to suspend the traditional handshake before kick off said it all. If one wasn't prepared to extend the hand of friendship, none could. So silly little Anton got his way and instead of being sat on a naughty step outside Mark Hughes' office, he was allowed to start and to sour the mood of the game.

And sour it he did. How could either side play with blood and thunder in the circumstances? The only way QPR were ever going to win this was by adopting the tactics used under Warnock. They had to crunch into every tackle, get into the faces of the Chelsea players and whip the crowd up into a frenzy. Had Ferdinand shook Terry's hand, that might have happened. Right would have been in QPR's sails, the decks would have been cleared of all the nonsense, and the scene would have been set for little old Rangers to sink the Plastic Armada.

Instead, an apology of a contest unfolded, which suited Chelsea down to the ground. Back in October there were 34 free kicks in the game, this time there were just 23; back in October there were 9 yellows and 2 red cards, today there were just four yellow cards. Right up Chelsea's street, whereas in October, it was right up Chelsea!

So, who came out of the game smiling and who came out looking a cnut? By allowing the controversy over name calling to smother preparation for the game, Ferdinand did a huge disservice to the team and to the loyal Rs who support him and the club. The guy's churlish petulance has been counter productive and, leaving aside the use of the word black, many QPR fans might now agree with Terry's verdict of him.

Ferdinand needs to climb back out of his own backside and think about the team and the good of the game, rather than about himself and the simmering rivalry between Terry and the Ferdinand family - which predates the "racist" incident. Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela he aint, his campaign is just spiteful petulance in my book, and that petulance has just killed off QPR's chances of winning the FA Cup.

And cost me a fiver!

Sam Sets The Standard

How depressing was Allardyce's article in the Evening Standard? No hint of an apology for our awful performance against Forest. Instead, he serves up a dish of smug, self congratulatory triumphalism, with a garnish of caution in case it all goes wrong.

Doctor Evil's understanding of the game is summed up when he boasts that stats show how we have got the ball into the opposition box more often than any other team in the division. That, according to Sam, is the mark of a good team!

To hell with the quality of the delivery! Never mind that there's nobody in the box to receive it! So what that 95% of the time the ball finds a defender with time and space to clear? It's statistics my friend, and even if you only find your own player 5% of the time, 5% of one hundred is better than 5% of fifty, so hoof the ball in as often as possible and eventually you will find a player from your own team!

It is the diametrically opposite approach of Barcelona. Watch the Catalans play and they treat the penalty area like the vagina of a goddess, only to be penetrated in moments of divine ecstasy. The ball is loved. A pass across the face of the box is foreplay. A pass backwards is titillation. A pass wide is a touch against the erogenous zones.

But Allardyce isn't interested in foreplay. Fcuk it. Get it in there. Knock her to the floor, rip off her underwear and give her one, then chalk it up on the bed post, burp, fart and chew on a pack of Wrigley's is his approach. And for those of us who have worshipped at the altar of Moore, Hurst, Peters, Brooking, Di Canio, Greenwood and Lyall, it is the ultimate desecration, the ultimate corruption of a thing of beauty.

But we are top of the table the Allardyce apostates will argue, like fathers who ignore the bruises on their daughter's arms because the boyfriend is a good lad who always buys his round. God help us!

QPR's Anton refusing a hand job

Well the guy is acting like a tosser so it is probably good news from Terry's point of view that Ferdinand is refusing a handshake, because heaven only knows what might be coating the palm of Anton's hand!

There have been those defending Ferdinand, arguing that he hasn't stirred all this up. Well his reluctance to shake Terry's hand nails that lie. What a stupid, vindictive, irresponsible, petulant arse Anton is showing himself to be! But are we surprised? Remember this is the man who was put on trial, with his mate, for setting about a guy outside a club to protect his £64,000 watch.

And now Anton has received a bullet in the post! He has already hired £30,000 worth of protection so what's he going to do now? Best not drive past any book depositories on the way to the ground Anton mate!

John Lennon, John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King and...Anton Ferdinand. Three greats and a goofy goon!

This has all got ridiculously out of hand and Ferdinand only has himself to blame. He should have offered a handshake long ago and nipped this nonsense in the bud. Instead, he climbed up on his high horse and made himself a target for hatred and vilification. Let's hope he doesn't learn in a painful way that sticks and stones really do hurt more than names ever can!

Bye, bye, bye Ilunga!

We saw the light on the night that he signed his full time contract
We saw the flickering shadows of money on his mind
He was our left back
And as he deceived us we watched and went out of our minds

My, my, my, Ilunga!
Why, why, why, Ilunga?

We could see that guy was no good for us
But we were lost like slaves that no Grant could set free
At break of day when that man drove away, Sam was waiting
He crossed the street to Rita's house and Ilunga opened the door

He stood there laughing
Sam felt the knife in his hand and he laughed no more

My, my, my Ilunga
Why, why, why Ilunga?

So before they come to break down the door
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more!

[insert trumpet solo here]

He stood there laughing
Sam felt the knife in his hand and he laughed no more

My, my, my, Ilunga
Why, why, why, Ilunga

So before they come to break down the door
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more
Forgive us Ilunga we just couldn't take any more!

QPR, PSG and Spurs Target Samba is a Disgrace to Football!

Dear God, I hope Blackburn fine Samba and leave him to rot in the reserves for the rest of the season. The guy signed a contract extension last year and is the club captain at Blackburn, but with Tottenham, PSG and QPR sniffing, he slapped in a transfer request. So far, so fair enough. Everybody is entitled to ask.

But the request was rejected and Samba was told his services were required until the end of the season at least - in line with a contract that HE signed. So what has he done now? Only come out and said that Blackburn should sell him or he will throw games if picked.

OK, he hasn't used those words exactly, but how else do you interpret his reported words in The Sun: “Blackburn need players who are 100 per cent for the club — and I’m not." That is a threat. That is a warning that he will coast, that he won't show commitment, that he will, by implication, help the opposition to win.

He added: "“I’m at the end of the road here. I’m not going to change so, for their good and mine, they must sell me now.” Look at the threat implied in the words "for their good...they must sell me".

This is a time for the clubs to unite on behalf of the sport and the fans. No club should touch Samba. No group of fans should welcome him to their club. This is an appalling betrayal. Blackburn fans have idolised this man. The club has made him very wealthy. In fact the club has made him because he was a nobody before Blackburn gave him the chance to play in the Prem. And how has he repaid the club and their fans? Despicably.

Rot in the stiffs Samba! Stand firm Blackburn. And all the other clubs should make him a pariah. Asking for a move is one thing, threatening a club in this way cannot and must not be tolerated.

Tottenham's 'Arry Can't Reed and Rite!

No surprise there! According to 'Arry, he's never "wrote" a letter in his life. He aint a wealer deeler, 'e's a football manager, but he can't spel for his liffe and is so disorgasmized that he couldn't posibly hide monie from the tax man.

Mind you, this inability to write hasn't stopped 'Arry from earning money from News International for a weekly article in The Sun. How does that work then? He can't write a letter but he can write a column for a newspaper!

But then the article is no doubt ghosted. Just like a bank account in Monaco!

If I'm on the jury, he is going down!

Is Yo-Yo a No-No for Sullivan & Gold or Perfectly Acceptable?

There is a body of opinion that holds that relegation suited Sullivan and Gold. It enabled them to cut wages across the board and nudged a host of high wage earners out of the door. The Eggert, Duxbury, Curbishley, Nani & Zola eras did for us good and proper. Bad signings, bad sales, bad appointments, bad tactics, bad contracts, bad results...between them, they dug the grave, tipped in the corpse and then handed a shovel over to the Undertaker Grant to complete the job. And, with the backing of Sullivan and Gold, Grant duly buried us as a Premiership club.

But so what? The latest accounts suggest that the shake down of relegation has achieved exactly what Sullivan and Gold might have hoped it would. After warning of financial Armageddon if we went down, perhaps it dawned on them that with parachute payments in place, relegation represented the opposite, a means of financial rehabilitation. Had we clung on to Premiership survival, players would have had to be bought and new arrivals would have demanded wage parity with the overpaid leeches already sucking the life out of the club. We were in a Catch 22.

Now it has all changed. Nolan is overpaid and so is Cole, but the rest are presumably on realistic wages, remembering that we refused to increase Green's salary. Now, if we return to the Prem, we will do so with a drastically reduced wage bill and in a position to turn a profit, even if we finish bottom. And those words, "even if we finish bottom" are important.

We may now have a financial model that suits a club of our stature. West Brom Yo-Yoed and because of the parachute payments, are financially stable. What would Sullivan & Gold prefer, huge transfer fees and a massive wage bill to keep us in the Prem, or harvesting the dosh one year, whilst keeping the wage bill low, accepting probable relegation and then focusing on bouncing back up the next season? If it works this year, then why not again, and again, and again, and again, and....

...and looking at that arse, I reckon it might be Princess Karren playing with that yo yo!

Ex QPR & Hammers legend Phil Parkes tells it how it is at Upton Park!

Well said Phil Parkes! He was always a safe pair of hands and a level headed guy, and now he has come out and said it exactly as it is at Upton Park. According to Parkes, we only have 4 Premiership quality players in the squad: Green, Tomkins, Taylor and Noble (possibly).

It is interesting that Cole and Collison do not feature in that list. In fact, Cole is compared to David Cross and Parkes invites us to consider how many his former team mate would have scored "against oppositions like these". Baldock isn't good enough either. Faye and Reid are not considered up to it - no surprise there - and McCartney isn't either.

But the big ommission is a certain Kevin Nolan. Did Big Phil forget him? I doubt it! Captain Fantastic doesn't even get a mention!

Parkes quite rightly says we were "dreadful against Forest" and, like me, asserts "in truth I haven’t seen them play that well all season".

I get all sorts of flack for saying it as it is. So, are the anonymice going to turn on Parkes now and tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about?

The truth is, we're shit, and some of us - those who understand the game - know we are! As Phil says, “I still think they will be promoted and I also think that they have the strongest squad in the division and could run away with it if they can find a consistent run of form, but in truth I think that says just how poor the Championship is!"

Fernandes breaks the bank to bolster QPR

There were those who scoffed. There were those who said Fernandes would try to cling to Premiership survival on the cheap. There were those who doubted the commitment of the Malaysian to the cause. Well what have those doubters got to say for themselves now?

Not only has Fernandes signed Taiwo, he has now signed Nedum into the bargain! And this one isn't on loan! No sir! QPR have splashed the cash to buy the Man City nearly man, forking out a massive £2.5 million to secure their man! £2.5m! Think of that! £2.5m! On one player!

How much did I say Fernandes would spend in this window? £5m wasn't it? He is half way there!

Hang on, it's just occurred to me, Taiwo and Nedum. Put 'em together and what do you get? Taiwonedum. Or Tweedledee and Tweedledum! And, as time will tell, that sums up the defensive ability of these guys! Never mind the quality, check out the price tag!

Fernandes is shopping in Primark!

£7m offer for Jelavic - if true, who needs QPR's Fernandes?

Bloody hell. It's being reported that Rangers have turned down a £7m bid for Jelavic. If this is true, then that's nothing short of amazing. How brave are Sullivan and Gold to make an offer like that whilst we are still in the Championship?

The Dildo Brothers have had their critics - and I am numbered amongst them - but if they are really prepared to shell out that sort of money on one player, without the guarantee of the Premiership's megabucks, and with new financial rules threatened for the Championship, then they deserve huge credit.

Whilst QPR miss out on deals because of an inability to agree terms and are targeting players that they stand no realistic hope of signing, we are apparently competing on a level footing in the transfer market with Premiership clubs.

Of course, the gRs will accuse me of double standards here, as the bid has been rejected, just like the Fernandes bid for Samba. And I have no real defence against that charge. Sullivan and Gold may be playing the same game as the Malaysian, talking big in the full knowledge that they will never have to open their wallets. The difference is that we definitely did bid for Rhodes at a figure that would normally have secured the services of a player in Division 1 and Rangers are willing to part with Jelavic at the right price - and we have met that rumoured price.

So, who needs Fernandes and Mittal when you have Sullivan and Gold exactly?

Cardiff's Malky Mackay Shows Allardyce The Way!

Congratulations to Malky Mackay and his Cardiff team. They came to Upton Park and gave us a bloody nose first game of the season, sit on the shoulder of Southampton and just four points behind ourselves in the Championship, and have now reached a League Cup final into the bargain.

It was hugely refreshing to hear Mackay's answer to the question, "You're in the final and you're third in the Championship, which do you prioritise?" No bull, no lip service to the now standard mantra, Mackay replied, "We prioritise both."

Good on him! Cardiff fans must be choked to see Swansea playing out of their skins in the Prem, but they now have their own bragging rights. And they could well join Swansea in the top division next season. How wonderful would that be for Wales?

Mackay had to cope with a massive turnover of players in the summer - just like Allardyce - and he has led them brilliantly. They're not great - no team in this division is - but they play decent football and they give a good account of themselves every time they take to the pitch; and you can't ask more than that!

True we are four points ahead of Cardiff at the moment, but most pundits expected the gap to be larger at the start of the season - and we crashed out of both Cups at the first hurdle. Why can Cardiff give a good account of themselves in both League and Cup, whilst we have had to sacrifice Cup glory in the name of pragmatic pursuit of promotion?

Far be it from me to suggest this, but might modest Malky Mackay be a better manager than arrogant Allardyce? Perish the thought!

Matty Taylor on the way back!

Let's not get too carried away, the guy has come back a couple of times before and barely got through a game, but we have to hope that the long layoff has put him right this time.

Taylor isn't Messi but he offers balance on the left of midfield and can deliver a wicked set piece. We will be a much better team for his return - providing he can string a few games together, at last.

QPR News: Sparky to sack his agent as Alex heads to Paris?

Hello, hello, hello. The gRs were telling me that Alex was definitely joining QPR because the Chelsea reject and the QPR manager share the same agent. But now, it seems, Alex has rejected the Hoops and is heading for PSG instead.

You what? Alex has failed to agree terms with Rangers apparently. But how can that be? Isn't Mittal one of the richest men in the World? Hasn't Fernandes committed himself to turning QPR into a major force in the Prem? These guys could buy Tevez if they wanted to, according to the gRs, yet they can't stump up enough to persuade a second rate Brazilian to stay in London.

Bloody hell! Some might think that Fernandes has been selling the gRs a line! How many new signings so far? A left back on loan!

Quelle surprise! As Alex may say when he moves to Paris!

Tottenham's 'Arry Doing Porridge

Opening credits. Voice over. "Henry James Redknapp, you have pleaded not guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

Opening scene. Medical inspection.
MO: Suffer from any illness?
'Arry: Bad feet.
MO: Suffer from any illness?
'Arry: Bad feet!
MO: Paid a recent visit to a doctor or hospital?
'Arry: Only with my bad feet! ...
MO: Are you now or have you at any time been a practising homosexual.
'Arry: What, with these feet? Who'd have me?

[The MO has finished 'Arry's medical, and points to some specimen containers over on a table]
MO: Now I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
'Arry: What, from 'ere?

On the evidence so far, if I'm on the jury, he's going down! And that's without googling him and checking out any previous!

A Missive From Doncaster

1 West Ham         27  19 53
2 Southampton     27 20 50
3 Cardiff              27 15 49
4 Middlesbrough  27   3 45
5 Hull                   27   3 45
6 Birmingham       26 16 43
7 Blackpool          27 9 42
8 Reading              27 7 42
9 Leeds                27 5 42
10 Brighton          27 1 41
11 Derby             27 -2 41
12 Burnley           27 6 40
13 Leicester         27 6 38
14 Crystal Palace 27 -1 37
15 Barnsley          27 -4 36
16 Peterborough   27 1 33
17 Portsmouth      26 0 31
18 Watford        27 -11 30
19 Bristol City    27 -12 30
20 Millwall         27 -8 29
21 Ipswich        27 -16 28
22 Nott'm Forest 27 -22 24
23 Doncaster    27 -22 23
24 Coventry      27 -13 22

I spent 10 days in the summer finding Mido, and today I'm in Doncaster, hunting down Billy Sharp, hoping to persuade him to come south with me and sign for West Ham. This place is such a dump - despite the new shopping centre - I can't imagine why anybody would want to stay here. Reject Leicester by all means - who would want to live there - but choose Donny over London? Why?

Mind you, I have had a fascinating time. I stood outside a house being cleared by bailiffs for non payment of rent and watched as the furniture and TVs were carried out and loaded into a van. Pretty soon the van was packed to the rafters, and then two guys came out carrying a dining table.
"There's no way that's fitting in the van," one guy said.
They looked at the heaving van, looked at the table, stood around scratching their heads, and then one noticed something. "The legs unscrew!" he said triumphantly. "We could unscrew the legs, slide and stack them down the side of the van there and then lay the table top on top of all the other stuff in that five inch gap up there."
"Brilliant!" his mate said. So they unscrewed the legs, slid and stacked them down the side of the van, and then hoisted the table onto the pile of furniture, squeezing it neatly into the only remaining five inch gap, and there it lay.

All of which goes to prove that sometimes, the table really does lie!

Allardyce's Devils now ahead of Saints on points!

Satan must be rubbing his hands together in glee as he studies the contract signed by Allardyce, giving his soul in return for the England job. With 'Arry in court today, facing a possible stretch inside for alleged tax evasion, Doctor Evil's West Ham Wanderers were confirmed as leaders of the Championship as Satan's vermin Leicester City ripped out the throats of Adkins' Saints, edging Allardyce just that little bit closer to the job he craves.

Poor Bobby Moore, already turning in his grave at the corruption of the West Ham way, must be dreading the appointment of Sam Pot as manager of the National Team. Just imagine Allardyce's England playing against Brazil! Well we may not have to imagine it the way things are going!

It is great news that we sit at the top of the table, three points clear of Southampton and with a goal difference which is only marginally inferior. The Saints have stumbled badly, and their slump continues. Lambert is so important to them, and so is Lallana, both of whom missed today's game.

We are in the box seat now, and Allardyce may just have given his and our soul to keep us there!

Allardyce Bad Mouths West Ham's Heritage

He really is an arrogant, disrespectful git isn't he? Not content with producing a Bolton B Team in Claret and Blue, Allardyce has bad mouthed the club's heritage, scoffing, "The West Ham way is the losing way".

It's true. Even with Moore, Hurst and Peters in the team, we lost more games than we won. But we did win the FA Cup & the Cup Winners Cup under Greenwood, and the FA Cup twice under Lyall. Not to mention coming within a whisker of winning the most thrilling Cup Final ever under Pardew and reaching the Cup Winners Cup Final under Lyall, playing our part - a losing part it is true - in another 6 goal Cup Final thriller.

Yes Allardyce, the West Ham way is the losing way. But do you know, the fans were entertained. Unlike the Bolton and Blackburn fans who endured long ball bollocks to achieve what exactly? The West Ham way is the losing way, but at least it won friends. What has the Allardyce Way ever won? Any league titles? Any poxy little domestic cups? Any European trophies? Any admirers or friends?

Tell us Sam. When are the fans going to start singing "We are Fat Sam's Claret and Blue Army?" When are the fans going to take you to their hearts? When are the fans going to leave the Boleyn buzzing rather than muttering, "If it gets us up..."?

Anybody kidding himself that Allardyce has worked some kind of oracle at West Ham should take very careful note of key stats revealed in Saturday's match day programme.  Based on games against the teams sitting in the bottom half of the table - the real shit of the division - our results, even before the victory over Forest, put us top of the table.

However, based on results against teams in the top half of the table - the shit that isn't good enough for the Prem - we sit in SEVENTH place in the Championship!

Note that: SEVENTH. That is OUTSIDE THE PLAY OFF PLACES!

So what does that show? Well, when we come up against teams with a mere modicum of ability, we are found wanting! Based on a division within the division, we are only the seventh best team in amongst a mass of mediocrity.

The truth is, there has been no real change since Avram departed. If we were in the Prem, we would be struggling just as badly under Allardyce as we were under Grant. We couldn't beat Cardiff or Leeds or Southampton or Reading or Birmingham or Burnley. So never mind Man Utd, Unreal City, Chelsea and Tottenham, we would struggle against Wolves, QPR, Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton!

The improvement under Allardyce is a chimera. If you play against shit teams, you SHOULD win. The trouble is, we have to play shit-with-knobs-on teams before we can win, and even then we need dubious penalties and dodgy red cards to do so. How many goals have we scored from open play since the beginning of December? Where would we sit in a "current form table", leaving aside two narrow home victories against teams in the bottom three?

The West Ham way is the losing way, apparently. But under Lyall we won the FA Cup when in the Second Division and reached a League Cup final too. How have you fared in the Cups then Sam?

God help us if we do get back into the Prem. We will be a laughing stock. Welcome to the Academy of Football where players graduate in the long ball lump!

He has killed off the present, casts a shadow over the future and now, like the Big Fat Dictator that he is, he wants to annihilate our heritage and our past. Welcome to Sam Pot's Year Zero! And all you pragmatists should remember that in Germany the Weimar thought they could control Hitler until it was all too late!

QPR News: No Brazilian in the Bush!

Well there's a surprise! Henrique is not joining QPR after all. It transpires that the Brazilian wonderkid doesn't qualify for a work permit!

Now you would have thought that Fernandes and the QPR Board might have checked out whether or not Henrique would meet the criteria for a permit before they trumpeted that they were trying to sign him. Unless, of course, this was all just a publicity stunt from the off.

We are now a week away from the window closing and how much has Fernandes spent exactly? There's been lots of talk - just like his stated ambition to sign Parker in August when he knew that Scotty was Tottenham bound - but what has been delivered so far?

An African left back who has barely kicked a ball in anger so far this season - and he's only on loan! Any Rangers fans who think the guy must be quality because he has signed from AC Milan should note how crap Jimenez and Obinna were in the Prem after we signed them on loan from Inter. If he was any good, Milan wouldn't let him go!

Nedum probably won't be joining because of Mummy. Piennar has been priced out of the market. Samba was never going to be allowed to join Rangers so Fernandes could safely play Billy Big Bollocks with a £7m offer, knowing it wouldn't be accepted - just like with Parker. Alex still hasn't shown any interest in swapping Chelsea's Stiffies for QPR's Bush.

Of course, the gRs will tell me West Ham are shit - but I agree so what's the point in that? I have warned throughout that Fernandes is all mouth and no trousers, and the Henrique farce is further evidence that the Rs are being conned.

The result against Wigan was a fantastic fillip and Buzsaky took his goal superbly - but Wigan are a very poor team. It's all very well for Hughes to get results against MK Dons and Wigan, but much bigger challenges lie ahead. Unless Fernandes invests, QPR will struggle, but for all the talk, there's no hard evidence that the Malaysian is really planning to open his wallet!

Vital Statistics Revealed In Match Day Programme

Anybody kidding himself that Allardyce has worked some kind of oracle at West Ham should take very careful note of  key stats revealed in Saturday's match day programme.

Based on games against the teams sitting in the bottom half of the table - the real shit of the division - our results, even before the victory over Forest, put us top of the table.

However, based on results against teams in the top half of the table - the shit that isn't good enough for the Prem - we sit in SEVENTH place in the Championship!

Note that: SEVENTH. That is OUTSIDE THE PLAY OFF PLACES!

So what does that show? Well, when we come up against teams with a mere modicum of ability, we are found wanting! Based on a division within the division, we are only the seventh best team in amongst a mass of mediocrity.

There has been no change since Avram guys. If we were in the Prem, we would be struggling. We couldn't beat Cardiff or Leeds or Southampton or Reading or Birmingham or Burnley. So never mind Man Utd, Unreal City, Chelsea and Tottenham, we would struggle against Wolves, QPR, Wigan, Blackburn and Bolton!

The improvement under Allardyce is a chimera. If you play against shit teams, you SHOULD win. The trouble is, we have to play shit-with-knobs-on teams before we can win, and even then we need dubious penalties and dodgy red cards to do so.

Wake up! How many goals have we scored from open play since the beginning of December? Where would we sit in a "current form table", leaving aside two narrow home victories against teams in the bottom three?

If Allardyce doesn't bring in two or three players before the window slams shut, we will find ourselves in the play offs!

Onouha's Mummy Says Maybe Not to QPR

Oh dear , oh dear, oh dear. Hoops fans might like to think again about the wisdom of signing Onouha after his mother has said that he will only make a move that is "right for his career and family circumstances".

It sounds very much to me as if Mummy doesn't want her darling Nedum living too far away from her and is worried about the big bad nasty Smoke. What sort of 25 year old guy has his Mummy as his "representative" speaking on his behalf, for pity's sake?

Nedummy has been in talks with QPR but a stumbling block appears to be the diamond encrusted teddy bear he is demanding and the insistence that Farley's Rusks be added to the menu in the QPR canteen. Nedum left the last meeting in tears and had to sit on the naughty step outside Mark Hughes' office for twenty minutes before his tantrum subsided and the meeting could continue.

Just what you Needum when you are looking for a defensive powerhouse to lead you in a battle against relegation!

QPR's Dyer Looking Forward to Pre Season Training!

The bloody nerve of the guy! He reckons he is targeting a return for the last month of the season, providing Hughes leaves a berth in his 25 man squad for him. If not, Kieron won't go flat out - correction, he is always flat out but you know what I mean - aiming, instead, for preseason training! Well, it is nice and warm in July and early August so Kieron specialises in friendly games!

Mind you, he's doing his best to get in Mark Hughes' good books. Just listen to him!

"He nearly got the Chelsea job in the summer, so that goes to show what kind of manager he is. He's got a professional outfit with Eddie Niedzwiecki, Mark Bowen and Kevin Hitchcock; they're very professional and thorough. He left Fulham, who finished eighth in the league, to come and take a job at QPR. If he can keep us up this season with the owners and their vision then QPR is a great place to be. It's paramount though that we stay in the league this season and we will really kick on with the new manager."

So that's it then, Dyer is out with another injury: chronic brown nose!

Why is Collison taking corners? And why can't we coach the basics?

I know Taylor is injured, but that's not the bloody point! What the hell is Collison doing taking corners from the right? Every one is dollied up wide and deep, aimed towards Tomkins - and JT can't head a goal to save his life anyway - and with no pace and no whip; it is so so so easy to defend.

How many corners did Collison take against Forest? Three? Four? And they were all exactly the same, and every one was met by a Forest head thumping the ball to safety. Noble has his critics, but at least he delivers a corner into the six yard box where the opposition keeper is crowded and blocked according to Doctor Evil directives. It aint subtle, but it can produce scrambled goals. But the Collison delivery is NEVER going to panic a half decently organised defence.

What the hell are they doing on the training field? Surely a professional footballer should be able to deliver a corner with pace into the six yard box, even with his wrong foot? I can for Christ's sake, so why can't Collison?

But he is not alone in failing in the basics. One guy chatting with me at the game described a typical Cole header as "sucking the life out of the ball". Why does he cushion headers? Where are his neck muscles? Where is the headbutt motion that should deliver the forehead onto the ball, like a Barton greeting onto the bridge of a nose? For once, Faubert delivered the perfect cross on Saturday, only for Cole to cushion the ball tamely wide of the goal. It was like watching a girlie with a broken nose head the ball - or like watching Faubert!

And what about Green's kicking? Twice on Saturday he put the ball into touch in his own half, and on neither occasion was he under pressure. Basic, basic stuff, but England's number 666 can't do it! Pathetic!

I don't blame the players, I blame the coaches. How many goals have we scored from open play in the last two months? One, two? And is it any wonder when Faubert can't cross, Cole can't head a ball, McCartney can't cross, Collison can't take a corner, and nobody can hit a barn door from five yards? Why aren't they being drilled in these basic skills for pity's sake?

Scott Parker and Tottenham Stumble at Man City

Poor Scotty Parker must have thought he was back in Claret and Blue, as Tottenham shipped three goals and "Mr West Ham" was cruelly exposed - having his head stamped on by Balotelli into the bargain!

For the Nasri goal, the Tottenham back line was ripped to shreds as an unchallenged Silva, operating in the hole that Scotty is supposed to fill, slipped in a brilliant pass for the former Arsenal man to slam home. The second saw Parker watching from a yard away as Lescott netted. And as King brought down Balotelli for the third, who was that huffing and puffing in the Italian's wake? None other than Scotty Parker, his foppish hairstyle flapping in the Italian's slipstream!

Tottenham were undoubtedly unlucky - Balotelli should have seen a straight red for the stamp, never mind a second yellow - but Parker learnt today that, up against superior teams, anchoring isn't as easy as it has seemed up until now in a Tottenham shirt.  With more big games to come, we will see just how good Tottenham and Scotty Parker really are!

QPR's Giant Step to Safety!

Well that result was huge! It's not just the three points, although the three points were massive of course, it's what the win has done psychologically to the team and the fans. At last a home victory in the Prem against 11 men! At last back to back wins! At last a buzzing sound in the Bush! And all this under a newly appointed manager. Fabulous!

What a shame the next game is in the Cup against Chelsea. Ideally, the next Prem game would follow on quickly. But the up side is that by the time the Hoops take on Villa, there could be both a buzzing sound and a Brazilian in the Bush - and imagine the squeals of delight then! A result in Birmingham followed by a victory at home to Wolves, and they will be talking about the Europa League again!

Mind you, it is suddenly getting interesting at the bottom. Bolton and Blackburn have come out of hibernation and look as if they mean to make a fight of it. But Wolves are on the slide and Wigan now look doomed. How ironic. Martinez had the chance to jump ship in the summer but opted to stay on the the deck of the Costa JJB Sports instead. That's looking like a serious error of judgement. Loyalty? Who values loyalty in football? So now the stick or twist debate has started at Molineaux - with McCarthy being blamed a week after being hailed a hero for plotting a draw at White Hart Lane.

The bottom five are still detached, and QPR are in the bottom five despite that win - so this is not the time for the Rs to get cocky nor for the gRs to get aggressively triumphant. We hauled our way out of the bottom three at one point last season and still finished bottom. But Hughes has established some momentum and that could be crucial. The odds on survival shortened yesterday. Get a result against Villa and Wolves and there could even be some breathing space! It's exciting at the bottom end!

Top of the table in a morgue

How subdued were the crowd again today? True the performance was uninspiring but the atmosphere at the Boleyn was dreadful.

It was all summed up by the muted response to Kriss Akabusi's reading of the teamsheet. Poor Akabusi gave it his all, reading the selected players' names as if they were returning World Cup winners, but the fans responded with all the enthusiasm of a beauty pulling out Ian Dowie's keys at a wife swapping party. Kriss announced "Capatain Fantastic, Number Four, Kevin Nolaaaaannnnnnn!" and the crowd responded with a barely audible, "Yay". By the time Akabusi reached,  "Number Twenty-One Papa Bouba Diop" nobody could be arsed to even groan!

The best reception of all, in fact, was for Marlon Harewood, "Who so nearly scored the winning goal in the Cup Final against Liverpool." The applause before kick off and in response to his substitution was heart warming, but it is a bit desperate when an opponent is given a bigger cheer than any of your own team. Even the response to the announcement that Tomkins had extended his contract was slightly muted.  In fact, first half, the Forest away supporters, like the Forest team, outperformed us.

We finished the game top of the table, but with the ground only two thirds full by the final whistle. For great chunks of the game, you could hear a penny drop in the stadium - even the anger seems to have been suffocated out of the supporters by Allardyce's boring, boring football.

Fortress Upton Park? The Boleyn Morgue more like!

West Ham 2 Nottingham Forest 1 - Thank You Master Bates!

Well that was much closer than it should have been - AGAIN! And to those who claim that you get a better understanding of the game if you are there rather than watching on TV or on a good INTERNET stream, all I can say is that I had no idea why either of the penalties were awarded watching live!

But thank God they were because yet again we looked impotent from open play for a good 80% of the game. First half we were awful. Noble probed and made a few good passes and Faubert raided down the right flank with surprising energy but predictably poor results. To be fair he sent over two good crosses in the first half and put one on a plate for Cole in the second - which Carlton headed pathetically wide - but those two apart, we were clueless.

Baldock was busy but offered no kind of threat on goal. Cole was lumbering and offered no kind of threat on goal. Nolan was largely anonymous and offered no kind of threat on goal. Collison dropped deeper and deeper and offered no kind of threat on goal. Diop has scored one goal in six years so enough said!

Forest looked far and away the most likely to score first half. McCartney was afforded no protection on the left hand flank and was done three or four times. Fortunately the crossing was poor and the finishing - when a Forest player connected in the box - poor. Anybody not in the know would have guessed that Forest were the team in the top two and West Ham the side struggling at the wrong end of the table. Our "chances" boiled down a missed deflection from Nolan and a tame shot from outside the box by Noble.

And then Referee Bates - all 50 years of paunch - extended his arthritic arm and pointed to the spot on the stroke of half time. Talk about a bolt from the blue! Where we were sitting in the Chicken Run, we had no idea what had happened and up until that point, Bates and his assistants had ignored repeated pushing and shoving by Forest defenders. At one point Baldock was almost shoved into orbit, right in front of the officials, and nothing was given. The natives around me were getting well agitated and, even after the penalty was scored, the general opinion at half time was that we were "fcuking shit" and that the team had played like a bunch of "fcuking cnuts". And I wasn't about to disagree!

Second half we were better, much better, but Forest should have equalised before Master Bates and his Assistant awarded us our second dubious penalty. Green was forced into a save as Forest ripped through the centre of our defence and the rebound was somehow scrambled or deflected behind for a corner. And from the corner, Cole, on the near post, either deflected the cross , or got out of the way, and the ball appeared to travel right across the goal and strike the far post. Talk about hearts in mouth!

But that seemed to spark us into action. The next fifteen minutes were good, bloody good, but it was all happening at the opposite end of the pitch. Collison woke up, waltzed past three Forest defenders and forced Camp into a superb save. Lansbury forced Camp into another good save and Baldock joined in with Camp again getting in a block, only for Collison to blaze wide of an open goal.

When the second penalty was awarded, all the tension disappeared. Faubert suddenly started attacking the full back and crossing from the byline and Cole missed a sitter, heading wide that rare thing, a perfect Faubert cross. And the game was as good as over as a contest.

Tomkins was awarded Man of the Match as a reward for signing his contract extension and then, lo and behold, put the ball into McGugon's path (it was a weak tackle) for the Forest goal - a real belter!

Allardyce has admitted that we weren't at our best - and that is an understatement! But then, when have we been at our best? Back in September wasn't it?

We are top - but ask Forest fans how and they will tell you that Master Bates is the most appropriately named official ever!

Player ratings: Green 6 Faubert 7, Tomkins 6, Reid 7, McCartney 5, Diop 5, Collison 6, Noble 7, Nolan 5, Baldock 6, Cole 1 Subs: Lansbury 6, Piquionne 1, Hall 7 (Really impressive apart from one dreadful corner!)

QPR v Wigan. Hughes says, "Show me why I should replace you!"

Put yourself in Gabbidon's and Ferdinand's boots today. And in the boots of who ever starts at left back or in place of the ex Hammers. This is QPR's biggest game of the year, and three players go in to the game knowing that new manager Mark Hughes is hell bent on replacing them. Not the best motivation is it?

As they get changed, three players will be staring at three Hoops dangling from the ceiling of the changing room, and as Hughes delivers his final rallying cry, all three will be thinking, "Like I'm going to give one hundred percent for you!"

But this is the must win game to end all must win games. The fans will be up for it. Hughes will be up for it. Barton will be up for it - too up for it perhaps. But if three of your defenders are playing under a shadow and don't really care - and if two of them are Anton and Gabbidon - what chance do you stand?

My money is on a 1-1 draw or a 2-1 Wigan victory.

And who would want to join QPR then?

West Ham v Nottingham Forest - Play it again Sam!

The last time we met Forest, I was cruising down the Nile, unable to pick up a signal on my radio and with no way of accessing the Internet. It was only when I was able to tune in to that amazing Man Utd v Arsenal game that I discovered we had won 4-1 and everybody on the sun deck turned to me aghast as I let a whoop of joy.

Four goals. Amazing when you think about it, given the last eight games have yielded just 6 goals in total. Yet the players on duty that day have all been available over the last two months, with the exception of the injured Taylor.

Is Matty Taylor really that important to the team? Well he is the best deliverer of a set piece and he is the only option for the left of midfield, if you want a left footer who is comfortable on the flank, but let's be honest, he is not Messi is he? Or even Alan Devonshire! The others should be able to cope with his absence. If not then they are a clueless bunch.

It was a 4-5-1 formation, of course, and there was no Baldock because he hadn't arrived. So expect Little Sam to replace the injured Taylor, and otherwise for Allardyce to stick with the team that thumped Forest on their dung heap. That would mean we set up thus:

Green

O'Brien, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney

Noble   Collison

Faubert         Nolan         Baldock

Cole

Kevin Davies in Claret & Blue?

Oh dear God spare us! Now I defended the selection of Davies for England but even I am not going to get excited about the idea of him joining West Ham. He is 34 FFS and isn't good enough to hold down a place at Bolton!

And whilst Davies is good at some things - bullying opponents, throwing his weight around, coming deep, leading the line, collecting yellow cards - one thing he is sure as hell shit at is taking chances.

We have enough goal shy strikers as it is! With Piquionne, Cole and Carew already on the books, why would Allardyce want another lump who can't hit a barn door from three yards out?

Hang on, the answer is in that word lump!

QPR's Barton Savages Warnock!

Damn. I said it was only a matter of time before Barton landed one on Warnock's jaw, and it seems from the twitter spat that the Gobby One's dismissal has indeed robbed us of that golden moment. Just picture for a moment Warnock gobbing off as Barton storms from the pitch, getting close up and personal on the touchline and then...wham, Warnock's on the deck and Barton is kicking him and spitting on him as stewards, the police and team mates try to restrain him! Lifetime ban for Barton, broken jaw for Warnock, what could be better?

Amazing the way the tensions between the two were kept under wraps before the sacking! Now, after Warnock has blamed twitter for his sacking - with Barton in mind it seems - the Hooped thug has retaliated by comparing Warnock to Mike Bassett and claiming there were a million reasons why he should be sacked. Charming given Warnock rescued Barton's career after his falling out with Newcastle, talking Fernandes into offering him an obscene salary in the process.

I know Joey fancies himself as a bit of a literature buff after his tweets about Orwell. Perhaps he should pick up a copy of Shelley's Frankenstein, he might just spot a likeness between himself and the reanimated monster.

Meanwhile Hughes should take careful note. Turn your back on Barton, and you're likely to have your skull stove in before you know it!

Jelaviction

The Mail is reporting that we are bidding for Jelavic. Trouble is, Rangers haven't received a bid and the figure being quoted comes nowhere near the Scottish club's valuation. So, that sounds like another made up story then!

We have given up on Rhodes and this latest deal looks likely to end up as a dead end too. So where will we turn to next? Piquionne or Carew in all probability!

Sincere apologies to ex QPR boss Neil Warnock

Poor Neil, it seems I played my part in getting him the sack. It had nothing to do with QPR's terrible run of games without a victory - one point in his last 8 games wasn't it? - nor the fact that they had only won one home game all season - and that against 9 men. Nor was his dismissal down to QPR sliding into the bottom four from what appeared to be mid table security. No, all of that might imply that Warnock was in some way at fault. What an absurd idea!

No, the man who blamed a QPR blogger for not beating Blackburn at home and who blamed Tevez for the relegation of Sheffield United, is not about to accept that his own failings led to his dismissal.

So it seems it is all the fault of tweeters and bloggers, convincing Fernandes, against all the evidence, that Warnock should be sacked.

Well I'm sorry Neil. I really am. Most sincerely sorry. Better luck next time mate.

West Ham Transfer News

Well it is January 19 and the news is, "There aint been no news". No new striker, unless you count Dixon, a 22 year old that nobody has ever heard of. And no new wide midfielder either. Not even a 22 year old that nobody has ever heard of.

We do have a new big lump to play at the back. Not that he is ready to play yet.

Tell me, why have a month long transfer window? Why not open it for just 24 hours?

What a farce.

Anton the QPR Drama Queen!

Oh dear God. So Anton's form has been affected by the Terry controversy. The brave lad is going to "face up" to Terry when the teams meet and the former Hammer can "handle" the meeting.

Anybody would think Terry had raped him or murdered his loved ones. Stephen Lawrence's mother was "affected" by the murder of her son. Stephen Lawrence's mother "faced up" to her son's killers. Stephen Lawrence's mother "handled" the trial.

Ferdinand suffered a little bit of name calling. Big bloody deal. He made it into an international incident by crying wolf. Now we are expected to swallow that he is suffering anxiety attacks over the prospect of meeting Terry on a football pitch in front of 20,000 witnesses, three officials and the World's media. What a twat!

Gabbidon reckons Ferdinand's form has suffered. All I can say to that is that Anton must have been called a "F****** black c***" at regular points in his career because his form has never been consistent has it?

And to think I used to defend the guy against his West Ham critics. Now I feel nothing but contempt.

Great Britton - The One That Got Away!

So, Leon Britton is officially the best passer of a ball in Europe. Better than Xavi. Better than Fabregas. Better even than Scott Parker and Diop!

And Swansea City, who out-passed Arsenal at the weekend, officially have the best pass completion rate in the Premiership, with Britton pulling the strings in the midfield hub of the team.

So what?

Well when we signed him as a 16 year old from Arsenal, it was for a record fee for a 16 year old - a cool £400,000. Clearly the boy had ability, but were we able to harness that talent and turn potential into the real deal? Sadly not.

Ask West Ham fans to name "the one that got away" and most would nominate Bullard, who like Britton was never given the chance to kick a ball in anger for the club. But it is beginning to look as if the real gem dropped down the drain was Leon.

Not that he would get a game under Allardyce of course. Too short. Too talented. Too many passes.

QPR 's Brazilian in the Bush

Well, when you face the possibility of going down, you want a Brazilian in the Bush don't you? And it looks as if QPR may have won the battle to bring the much lauded Henrique to the club. He is 20 years old, reportedly overflowing with talent and, apparently, is wanted by a host of clubs. But the star of the FIFA Under 20 World Cup has opted for QPR because he wants to join a "club with ambition".

Sounds brilliant doesn't it? But as a West Ham fan, three names come to mind: Tevez, Mascherano and Barrera. Now all Rs will know the story of Tevez, and will realise that West Ham were used as a stable for conditioning the Argentinians before they moved on to Manchester United and Liverpool. It is true that Tevez eventually got his finger out and started playing for the club around about February, but it took him fully 5 months to acclimatise, whilst Mascherano drifted off before completing a pass for the club!

Barrera, meanwhile, arrived from Mexico after a good World Cup - the real deal, not the U20 one - and last summer was brilliant in the Gold Cup, firing Mexico to victory. But in England? Well the guy was hopeless, unhappy and completely out of his depth.

And if Henrique is so good, and he is so committed to the club, and Fernandes has so much money, why is he being signed on loan initially? Odd that.

QPR fans pinning their hopes on Henrique may be in for a big disappointment. Barrera left a nasty taste in the mouths of West Ham fans and there is something fishy about this deal. And if you are facing the prospect of going down, the last thing you want is something fishy in the Brazilian Bush.

Gabbidon Grabs Glory - QPR for the Cup!

Stranger things have happened! The draw has opened the door for a "lesser light" to make it through to the Final. Man City are out and one of Liverpool or Man Utd have to crash out in the next round too. There's still the little matters of Arsenal, Tottenham and the winners of the Liverpool and Man Utd tie, of course, but if the draw is kind after QPR repeat their victory over the Plastics...

The best thing about today, from QPR's point of view, is that the game used up one of Barton's "holiday fixtures", and the next best thing is the victory - any win after the Hoops' depressing recent run is an absolute God send!

Unfortunately the performance was, by all accounts, poor and that is hardly surprising when you see the team. Not that Hughes was treating the competition with contempt, it's just that the players available to him are not very good. In fact, stripped of Barton and Faurlin, you begin to wonder how Warnock got them promoted and kept them out of the bottom three until his dismissal. The defence is poor, the midfield uninspiring and the front two ordinary. Macheda was withdrawn after 62 minutes which doesn't bode well does it? Hopes are being pinned on a Brazilian kid who hasn't yet been signed - and not many Brazilians have cut it in the Premier League have they?

So Hughes has his first victory, but the performance did not set the pulses racing. The game was, in truth, a sideshow, with the main event Saturday's head to head with Wigan. Lose that, and the FA Cup may be all QPR have to play for! But they won't lose at home to Wigan...will they?

We love you Avram Grant!

All is forgiven! With his proposed move to Wolves breaking down, Freddie the Fly Tipper looked likely to remain a dead weight on our payroll, but then along comes Avram!

According to reports, Avram believes Piquionne can fire Partizan Belgrade into the Champions League. The immediate reaction is "Really?" but who knows how Avram arrives at his decisions. This was the man who elected to play Demba Ba wide left when we were desperate for goals to keep us in the Premiership.

Perhaps Allardyce should mention Barrera if he speaks to Avram on the phone as it doesn't look as if he has any future at the club either. Get rid of O'Neil and Avram's ghost will be removed for ever!

David Gold: the good guy in a world of bandits and a gangster moll

(Submitted via comments by The Doomsday Clock)

I am sure we all know that DG has a twitter account where he seems to spend some time replying to fans comments (both good and bad). On the Olympic Stadium issue he he is quite clear: this is the preferred option but will not happen unless there is a lease for at least 99 years and the running track problem is resolved. The point is, he does not have to give us this insight into the Board's thoughts. As fans we have more information into their thinking now then we have ever enjoyed before. If his comments subsequently prove to be bogus then he his setting himself up for a fall.


DG is also writing his autobiography which is available for free on his web site. I have only had a chance to read the opening chapter but it is certainly a moving rag to riches story. He explains the extreme poverty and anti-Semitism problems endured in the East End during the London Blitz . Certainly it makes us wonder what we have to complain about today in the UK. No doubt the lessons he learnt subsequently inspired him to make his money in any way he could, and I have no doubt that his upbringing would have made him a totally ruthless businessman. But that doesn't make him a liar or a crook.

As a local West Ham boy the club was his passion from an early age. He played for the youth teams. It is, therefore, difficult to argue that the claret and blue blood does not flow through his veins.

DG has made his money and could no doubt have an extremely comfortable retirement if he so chose. Whilst more money is always nice, I suspect he has "come home" and would rather leave his mark as someone who helped take the club to the next level. I might be wrong but my feeling is that the club will be in safe hands under his watch, starting with promotion this year. One step at a time but if this happens the Board will have some difficult decisions to make in the summer regarding funding of new players to compete in the Premier League.

Playing Poker with the Boleyn

I'll see your Olympic Stadium and raise you the Boleyn.

Interesting to read that we may not move to the OS after all. Believe that and you will lose your house, wife and the keys to the motor if you ever sit down to a game of poker.

Sullivan and Gold bought the club because of the OS. It is their key to a killing. It's why they have increased their ownership and it's why the banks haven't called in the loans. It's also why the Fernandes approach was knocked back. Why share a bonanza if you don't have to?

How much is the Boleyn worth? A lot more as flats than as a football stadium. And a hell of lot more than the £40m that some have been claiming given the £73m figure showing in the published accounts (including the training facilities).

So what are the Davids up to? Trying to put the wind up the OLC of course. How stupid are they going to look if they can't find tenants for the stadium in the year of the Olympics themselves? Sullivan & Gold are suddenly in a buyer's market. Tottenham don't want the stadium so who else is there? Leyton Orient? Yeah right!

Retractable seating will now be a deal breaker - or so the David's will suggest. We won't spend a penny despite taking the piss out of the Legacy Committee. Sullivan & Gold have the them over a barrel and will drive the Claret and Blue dildo as deep as they can. Thank you Tottenham, you may have saved West Ham United an absolute fortune!