Hold the Front Page!

Hold the front page! Incredible news coming in from West Ham on transfer deadline day. We can exclusively reveal West Ham have signed....
Adriano?
Er no.
Joe Cole?
Not quite.
Anelka?
Just signed a contract extension so who knows, he might come in January.
Shorey then?
Nearly.
Then Barnes of Derby?
Too expensive I'm afraid.
Then who?
Heard of Camara?
Yes, he's not good enough for the Wigan team is he?
That's right! So Turds has managed to capture him on loan.
But he's not good enough for Wigan!
Exactly! Stroke of genius from Turds, he's found somebody nobody else wanted! Clever eh? And that's not all, we've signed a top international midfielder!
Really? Somebody from Italy?
Not quite.
From Brazil?
Close.
Argentina then?
Warm.
Columbia? Mexico?
Peru.
It's not Paddington is it?
Very funny!
But what about all the money we're supposed to have?
It's being used to build a new treatment room!

Queudrue Believe It?

So Reading have turned down our bid for Shorey. Well, let's just pick up Queudrue instead. You can bet your life that 'Arry will be sniffing now Frank has announced he wants out of the Cottage but surely West Ham will have more appeal? He has to be a better bet than McCartney who, even on his very best days, looks about as one footed as his namesake Heather.