Curbishley to Sunderland.

Rumours are circulating that Turds is on his way to Blunderland. The Blackjacks apparently see him as the man to arrest their slide towards the Fizzy Pop, based on the Great Escape of two years ago. Brilliant plan I must say! Now, should the Wearysiders get their man, all they need to organise is:

1) The signing of Carlos Tevez. Who knows, United or IKEA might agree to a Third Party Agreement until May.

2) A linesman who doesn't understand that the ball has to cross the line for a goal to be given.

3) A final fixture away to the Champions AFTER they have already secured the Premiership and a week before they play in the Cup Final.

4) For a club they are playing to sack a highly successful manager in the week before they play them, replacing him with a mini me equivalent.

5)For Arsenal to have 50 shots on their goal in a single game and not score any of them.

6)For another opponent to lose their only striker of note to injury inside the first 15 minutes of the game.

7) For their main rivals in the battle against the drop to appoint Neil Warnock as manager.

Now, put that little package together, plus sign Green, Collins, Noble and Zamora, and appointing Turds might just work. Blunderland do have Anton Ferdinand after all. No hang on, Ferdinand and Baggy Eyes don't get on!

Any other great ideas to save the Blackjacks? How about Newscastle appointing Shearer as manager and Miserableboro leaving Southgate in charge? You couldn't write it could you?

West Ham v Sunderland. A Tale of Two Colts and an Old Nag!

On and upwards! I got the formation wrong, not least because I had a brainstorm and forgot Noble, but what a great afternoon at Upton Park. No Beano, no Cole, no Collison, no Kovac, no Parker, no Gabbidon, all of whom would walk into the Sunderland team, and we tonked them - well Tomkinsed them anyway.

All the team were heroes in the circumstances - it would have been so easy to accept a draw and blame the casualty list - but three stood out for me. Stanislas and Tomkins obviously, when young kids from the Academy score it sends a thrill down the spine, but the joker in the pack was that old nag, Luis Boa-Morte. On this showing, the guy does have something to offer. Had his shot not been blocked near the end, he might even have got on the score sheet! Now that would have been a bigger shock than the 100-1 winner of the National!

From back to front, we played well as a team, passing and moving impressively and looking superior to Blunderland in every area of the pitch. Watching their performance, you have to worry for the Black Prats. How much have they spent to assemble that team? It has to be the biggest waste of money this side of Lloyds buying HBOS. Black cats, black horses, black days ahead possibly! The decision not to start Kenwyne was perverse and made Tomkins and Upson's afternoon so much easier. Was that Niall Quinn yelling "Ricky I want to talk to you!" at the end of the game or was it just a re-run of Bianca yelling in Eastenders?

Sad to see Spector stretchered from the pitch, let's hope it is only concussion. What on earth was Tristan up to on those corners? Noble clearly didn't want him out there and time wasting when winning 2-0 was negative and stupid. Somebody needs to tell the guy that at West Ham we play the game in the right spirit! The laughable moment when Tristan took the short corner, then danced round the Sunderland player and left the ball behind was a collector's piece but it led directly to poor Ilunga collecting a yellow card as Sunderland counter attacked. Those moments apart, Tristan looked better than previously. He moved for a start! But joking apart, he had a better than fair game, as did Di Michele. Perhaps the clever money was on us to win this one eh David?

Green was a worry though wasn't he? He is still flapping badly at crosses. Collins preserved our clean sheet with yet another "goal line" clearance but Green should not be putting his defenders in this position with his rushes of blood when the ball is lumped into our box. England keeper? Not on this showing!

But I don't want to end on a negative. Tomkins, Noble, Stanislas - all products of the Academy and the best of the bunch, Collison wasn't available. Let's hope Freddie Sears can find his feet and come again. These are happy times for us Hammers!

Team For Sunderland.

Zola faces a few selection dilemmas ahead of the game today. At the back, assuming Upson isn't saving himself for England games and Collins for the Welsh, a choice has to be made between Tomkins and Ginge. Up front, it is a case of "Is there anybody on the books who can score?" and in midfield, "Who is fit and how adventurous are we prepared to be?".

Lessons can perhaps be learned from the victory at Sunderland but, the more I think about that game, the more the conundrum deepens (do conundrums deepen?). At the back, Collins had a Tale of Two Cities, the best of times and the worst of times. Second half, the Sunderland crosses unerringly found that shock of receding red hair in our penalty box. By the end of the game, Collins must have had a headache! However, Cisse, in truth, gave him a torrid time and should have bagged three. After the game, there was plenty of discussion about whether Sunderland should have had a pen for Collins pulling down Jones in the box and whether Collins should have stayed on the pitch after a tangle of bodies when Neptune tried to burst clear. Go back to last season and Jones mugged Upson all game at Upton Park and we were lucky to come away with a 3-1 victory, scoring twice in the last ten minutes. I would go with Tomkins and Upson personally, trusting to their pace to counter the threat of Cisse running onto the ball 'over the top' but I say that with no real conviction. Jones might then bag two with his head! Neill will revert to right back and Ilunga is a given on the left of defence.

Up front, it sounds as if Zola has decided to go with Tristan. I can see the sense in that because we need somebody to play off. However, there was no big man up front when we beat Sunderland on their dung heap, Bellamy and Sears buzzed around and ran Sunderland's back four ragged. And it was Bellyache who came on and destroyed Sunderland at UP last season. I'm pleased we sold Period Pains, £14m was a fantastic settlement, but boy could we do with him today. Anton must be smiling at the prospect of stopping Di Michele and Tristan on his first return to the Boleyn. There can't be many less potent strike forces in the Prem if we are honest. A whole season with those two up front would spell relegation!

What about more daring alternatives? Personally I would love to see Dyer start, playing just behind Tristan with Savio wide left and Stanislas wide right. That is the only line up that I can see putting Blunderland onto the back foot. With Parker and Kovac (if fit) anchoring midfield, we should look to camp in Sunderland's half and terrify their full backs with pace.

So my team would read: Green; Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga; Stanislas, Kovac, Parker, Savio; Dyer, Tristan. However, I anticipate seeing Di Michele for Dyer and Boa-Morte for either Stanislas or Savio as Clarke persuades Zola to play it safe. I never predict results but I am not confident! Have a great day anyway Marty!

Postscript: I forgot Noble! How did I forget Noble?

Turds for Manager of the Month!

Time to write whilst feeling up beat!!!!

Clean sheet without Neill and a recognised left back! In control of the game! Noble dictating midfield! Bellyache and Diarrhea both pulled down in the box! Victory without Ashton, Parker and Yumberg! Europe here we come! Turds for manager of the month!

Looks like Birmingham, Sunderland and Derby are going to struggle. Bolton and Fulham will also challenge for the bottom three (as predicted b4 the season started). Wigan will struggle when the tougher fixtures arrive. What are we worrying about?

No Villa for Reo-Choker

What's this? Villa aren't so keen on Reo-Choker now? So, Nigel, that's Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs, Newcastle and Villa who have thought, then thought better of signing you. Wonder why that is? Perhaps it's the pouty face? Never mind mate, Sunderland or Birmingham might yet express an interest! Alternatively, you might just face up (hard with that pouty droop) to a few home truths: starting with, you're bloody lucky to be at West Ham!

Now shut up and put up! Give us eight goals from midfield next season and who knows, a mid table team might express an interest!

We bear a charmed life (continued)

More Shakespearean slogans for football clubs (see below for the originals)

For Sunderland as Roy Keane starts to learn some hard truths about what a £20m transfer kitty will buy you: "There ’s small choice in rotten apples". (Taming of the Shrew)

For West Ham if Curbs wastes £18 million on Bent, "Oh I am Fortune's fool!" (Romeo and Juliet)

For Man City upon finding that their Thai Green Curry Abramovich has had his "assets frozen" (how painful does that sound?): "Nothing can come of nothing". (Lear to Cordelia) or "Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises." (Ironically "All's Well that Ends Well"; not a phrase oft associated with the blue half of Manchester!)

For Birmingham: "I have a kind of alacrity in sinking." (Merry Wives of Windsor)

For Reading as they enter the second "difficult season" having hoped themselves out of Europe this year: "Be not afraid of greatness" (Twelfth Night)

For Blackburn: "All the infections that the sun sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, on Savage fall, and make him by inch-meal a disease" (The Tempest)

For Spurs and Arsenal jointly: "A plague o' both your houses!"