Turds Tantrum

So Turds is upset because Fergy has claimed that Tevez single handedly saved us from the drop last season. Quite right too! Surely Lady Luck deserves at least 50% of the credit! Mind you, it just shows what a Ho she is, climbing into bed with an ugly mother ****** like Carlos!

Yossi Phone Home

So Israeli E.T. lookalike Yossi Benayoun phones home to his Mamma and asks how she is. "Yossi, my boy" she replies, "things are bad back home. Your father has been taken hostage and they are threatening to behead him. The house was pelted last night by a stone throwing mob and your sister was gang raped on her way home from the synagogue." Mamma Benayoun sobs down the phone before continuing, "Yossi, why in the name of Abram did you move us to Liverpool?"

Cluedo

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

The net is closing!

So Interpol are after IKEA Joorabchian (he who "sold" us a flatpack Mascherano that we couldn't work out how to put together!). Never mind arbitration panels and the High Court, the Blunted Blades will be calling for a War Crimes Commission next, claiming Tevez is the son of Josef Mengele!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Irony (Which Bush thinks borders Iraq)

So Reo-Choker is departing. I have only one thing to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the battle's lost and won!

Now let's get this right. The arbitration panel had sympathy for Sheffield United and agreed that they would have deducted points from West Ham had they been conducting the hearing; but nevertheless reached the conclusion that an incorrect decision should stand. That's just about the gist of it isn't it?

So, in the words of Macbeth, "Fair is foul and foul is fair"; or "when the battle's lost and won"! Talk about equivocation! I'm a Hammers fan and I'm beginning to feel sympathy for the blunted Blades. Thank God Warnock's gone or we would never have heard the end of it! As for Red Stripe Robbo, he probably doesn't even realise there was a hearing! One for the road Red Stripe? Sorry, make that one for the river!

Never mind Sheffield, it never rains but it pours eh?

(Cue Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening and in rain. Where the place? The Championship. There to meet with...Colchester!)

Pole Dancing in St John's Wood

So, after a fantastic day with Andy, Mike, Martin and friends watching a fairly routine victory over the Windies at Lords, we ended up in the Castle for a few pints and who did we bump into? Only Graham "I'm more misunderstood than Reo Choker" Poll !!! What a twat!

Poll was holding court to anybody who would lick his arse (although, surprise, surprise, he had no mates of his own!). Sadly, I could not resist the temptation of boasting to Mr Poll that I am a teacher and pointing out that in my profession we all have a common duty. Graham asked what duty and I replied, to teach numeracy, and specifically the difference between two yellow cards and three; the Special One (as in Needs!) was not amused!

Very interestingly, during our chat (Poll pontificating in truth) the numerically challenged one confessed to match fixing - claiming his sister in law was a Gooner and because she had annoyed him, he turned down a stone wall penalty in the next Arsenal game. No allegedly here, this was Graham's personal testimony!

He was picked up in a chauffeur driven people carrier. Wonder how he could afford that on a referee's salary??????

Useless Tosser

So, award for the most pointless thing in the world? Top suggestions: a wife for Prince Edward; a left shoe for Heather Mills McCartney; a mirror for Ian Dowie; a trampoline for Stephen Hawking.

But none of those come close to a British tennis player who can't get fit for Wimbledon! It's only two weeks in the year for pity's sake - or one week if we stay true to form! What is it that's keeping Never Hurry A Murray out? A wrist injury! Perhaps he should stop tossing his caber!

Contagious

Apparently Roy Keane was invited to a "Teaching and Learning" seminar recently, designed to improve the average IQ of football managers. The session opened with the teacher saying, "I'd like to explore your vocabulary. Let's begin with the word contagious; who can give me a sentence including the word contagious in context?"

After an explanation of what the words "sentence" and "context" meant, a number of hands were raised. Martin Jol volunteered, "When Carrick got a tummy bug, it proved contagious." The teacher said, "Well done" and gave him all the pies.

Red Stripe Robbo belched and volunteered, "Alcohol Abuse is an illness but it isn't contagious." The teacher gave him a drink as a prize.

Keane then raised his hand and volunteered: "When Mick McCarthy said he was going to turn Wolves into a Premiership team, I said it would take that cunt ages!"

Much Ado About Nothing

Perhaps the Henry transfer will be the spark that will ignite the transfer market. Apart from Parker and Barton and United's big three signings, has anybody actually moved clubs yet? So much speculation, so little action. Are we really in for Wright-Phillips? Who is going to play left back for us next season? Who will partner Ashton up front? Is Tevez coming, going or staying put? What about Nugent? When is Harewood going and to where exactly? Does anybody really want Reo-Choker? When is Bent's appointment for his circumcision?

Some of the money being talked is absurd. That fantastic tournament, the Inter Toto Cup has kicked off and the squads are almost all the same as on the last day of the season. Come on! Let's see the cheque books, it's all getting a bit boring!

All actions and reactions are equal but some actions and reactions are more equal than others!

Is it any wonder kids are struggling with Maths? Einstein is busily rewriting Relativity Theory in the light of current transfer values. Henry, the best player on the face of this earth, is sold for £16m; Darren Bent, nearly an England man, is on his way for the same fee!

The Game's Gone Crazy? You bet it has! In the light of Bent's fee, the £9m we have to pay to play Tevez (even though he's apparently our own player!) seems like great value!

You can stuff nostalgia, Henry was the Best!

All joking apart, what terrible news about Henry. Years ago, when England (boasting Gooch, Gower and Gatting in the batting line-up) were thrashing the Aussies, Matthew Engel wrote an immortal line, "You can stuff nostalgia, this was brilliant!" Va Va Voom should have that as his trademark.

Perhaps Pele was better but then look who Pele had in the team with him and look at the space he was afforded. I saw Cruyff. I saw Maradonna. I saw Best. Thierry is head and shoulders above all of them because the game is now so much faster.

The Premiership will be so much the poorer without him. Henry and Wenger transformed Arsenal from a spluttering Rover into a purring Porsche. Best League in the world? Not if Thiery is playing elsewhere!

No Villa for Reo-Choker

What's this? Villa aren't so keen on Reo-Choker now? So, Nigel, that's Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Spurs, Newcastle and Villa who have thought, then thought better of signing you. Wonder why that is? Perhaps it's the pouty face? Never mind mate, Sunderland or Birmingham might yet express an interest! Alternatively, you might just face up (hard with that pouty droop) to a few home truths: starting with, you're bloody lucky to be at West Ham!

Now shut up and put up! Give us eight goals from midfield next season and who knows, a mid table team might express an interest!

Charlton Ladies Going Down

Terrible news that Charlton are folding their "Ladies" team in a cost cutting exercise following the relegation of the lads' team. How unfair is that? Of course, it sets up opportunities for cheap jibes at Girly Footy. Not one to pass on an opportunity how about, "Charlton's foray into women's footie goes tits up!" (for starters)? Sad to know that the optimistic chants from the Valley terraces of "Going down, going down, going down" will never again be heard!

Actually, it's a terrible case of missed marketing opportunities. Charlton should have retained bankrupt Dowie as manager and marketed the Girlies' Games under Disney Titles: Beauties and the Beast or Ladies and the Tramp. (Mind you, looking at some of those "Ladies" perhaps Cats and Dogs would be a more appropriate title!)

Nigel Misso-Choker

As patriotic as I am, I must confess to cheering when Nigel Reo -I'm a misunderstood superstar - Choker failed to tuck away his penalty in the shoot out. Shame it was Anton's miserable effort that eventually led to our elimination because I'm sure there would have been knees up Mother Brown parties all the length of Green Street had Reo-Choker's pathetic attempt led directly to our elimination.

Nobody loves me at West Ham! Nobody loves you anywhere in England now Nigel!!!

Come on Villa, let's see the colour of your money! £8m for a guy who sidefoots a pass to the keeper in a penalty shoot out? They must be barmy!

Spin on that Sven

So Keith Harris is brokering the deal to take Sven to City is he? The club has always been a bit of a Donald Duck outfit but fancy employing a guy who has had his hand shoved up a yellow duck's arse for the last quarter of a century to recruit your new manager!

Does Orville know about the new slanty eyed owner? He'd best take care or he'll end up in a pancake with sliced spring onion and cucumber!

Can't wait for Keith's new show - with Sven on his lap. Still I'm sure Sven is already well versed in the joys of fisting after his fling with Ulreka! Isn't that why poor misunderstood Stan Collymore got confused and punched her?

Shearer on the piss

Quotation from Big Al:

Shearer added: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper. I was having a fantastic day. But when I read Bellamy for Newcastle I thought I would definitely have to have another drink. I had several. "

Sounds to me as if Alan is planning to swap his stripes. Is he in training to become Red Stripe Robbo's assistant at Sheffield United I wonder?

Trading Places

So, is Teddy trying to swap his gong? CBE for an MBE? CBE for an MBE?

Those cameras must be bloody good mustn't they if they can't tell Sherringham and Newton apart? How tall is Teddy? 6'1 / 6'2? How short is Newton, 5'6 / 5'7? Then there's the little matter than Teddy is white and Newton is black (except the end of his nose which has been known to be white in the past, allegedly!) Perhaps that's where Bobby Zamora comes in. Perhaps it's like in The Fly. Teddy gets in the car white, drives so fast his molecules rearrange into Zammo, then, as he slows down, he comes out the other side fully cooked as Newton.

What comedian came up with that Honours List I wonder? Was it Bernard Manning's passing shot before heading for the great stand up stage in the sky? Did I tell you the one about the two lesbian angels...or the big fat comedian who climbed the Stairway to Heaven only to discover that the doorman at the Pearly Gates is Jewish!

If Bob Monkhouse was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's...dead. Isn't he?

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others!

A friend in need...It's interesting isn't it, the way the Gang of Four has shrunk to the Gang of One? The Wigan chairman made the right noises about supporting Sheffield United's appeal but seems to have gone quiet lately and where are Charlton and Fulham when the Blades most need them? Charlton were happy to do business with us - "Liars and cheats? Never mind, show me the money!" - and Fulham seem to have their minds on another enquiry - like who was behind the murder of Diana and Dodi!

Of course, Charlton's attitude is entirely pragmatic. If they hope for an immediate return to the Premiership, the last thing they want is West Ham relegated with them. Who would you back to win the most matches in the Championship, West Ham or Red Stripe Robbo's Stella outfit? Al Fayed, meanwhile, knows that words are cheap - unless you need a Tory MP to give voice to them in the House of Commons! And I'm sure he has half an eye on business as well. The Bentley Babes are surely more likely to shop in 'Arrods than Red Stripe's Down and Outs.

Snouts in the trough! If Wedgewood Benn was dead, he'd be turning in his grave; for the time being, he's just twitching in his multi million pound mansion!