Why the move to the Olympic Stadium is the stepping stone to World Domination.

I have long been an opponent of the move to the OS but, with the new bid going in today, I have at last seen the light and shifted my position. Suddenly I see the sense of the running track and of being fifteen miles away from the action. Because let's face it, with Allardyce in charge, the further away from the pitch you are, the better!

In fact, Sullivan and Gold could mock up goals on the training pitch, film them, play them on the big screen and send the fans home happy every game. The matches themselves can finish 0-0 or 1-1, but the crowd will go home buzzing, thinking we have won by five or six clear goals courtesy of Nolan and our lone 50 goal a season striker.

Never mind if we miss out on promotion, we can print the programme and change the names of our opponents from Doncaster to Arsenal, making an announcement of a last minute kit change over the PA when necessary. Nobody will know any different because recognising individual players will be impossible from that distance! Before you know it, with the mocked up goals showing on the big screens, gullible Hammers fans will be talking about six goal thumpings of Chelsea, Tottenham and Man City!

This blog will seek to tell the truth of course, but nobody will listen. West Ham Till I Die and KUMB will support the lie in return for free season tickets and prawn sandwiches on match days and I will be labelled a liar, a traitor and a secret Spud!

Allardyce will become a West Ham god and everybody will be happy - until some silly sod spots in a Sunday paper that instead of being 20 points clear at the top of the Prem, we are actually sitting in tenth place in the Championship. Duxbury will then be unveiled to announce a dastardly reprisal from the FA because of Tevez, whereby we have been stripped of 30 points and relegated to the division below. Hate Week will be announced with Goldstein identified as the Chairman of the FA, the Premier League and Tottenham Hotspur. But the climb up the table will begin again courtesy of more mocked up goals and once again, you will all be Happy Hammers!

New name for the Olympic Stadium? Surely it has to be Victory Mansions!