Third Party Ownership. Tevez, IKEA and....Duxbury!

OK, I may be a bit dim, but, O my brothers, would somebody please explain to me how IKEA and his fellow investors can pocket £47m when Tevez moves across Manchester, whilst Man Utd don't pocket a penny from the deal, yet this is all above board and kosher? What is and isn't a third party agreement exactly?

Now I am sure Man Utd were careful with the way the Tevez deal was done, but that then begs the question how, exactly, we managed to mess it up so badly. If it was possible to pay a fee and sign Tevez "on loan" for a fixed period, why didn't we do it? What the hell was going on when we entered into an "illegal" (in terms of the rules) deal when there was a perfectly legitimate way of signing him (as the Mancs have now shown)?

Duxbury has been very vociferous on all sorts of subjects but he has been conspicuously silent on this one. He can't blame Eggert, BG, or Curbishley, of course, because none of them were in place when the Tevez deal was struck. Nor can he blame Brown and the old Board for what happened after the initial ruling, because they had departed by that stage.

So what is the single common factor, who is the only man who bridges the signing of Tevez and the agreement to pay Sheffield United out of court? That would be Scotty of course. Time and again he told us that West Ham had done nothing wrong and that we had nothing to fear about Shafting United's legal action, then suddenly we settled out of court, then we learnt that, in the opinion of the authorities, we had done nothing to merit further punishment. That doesn't add up does it?

My brothers, let me take you back to August 6, 2006 and an announcement from the club. We were told then, "West Ham United are delighted to announce the double signing of Argentinian World Cup stars Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano from Brazilian club Corinthians. The pair have been signed for an undisclosed fee and put pen-to-paper on permanent contracts with the club this afternoon. All other aspects of the transfers will remain confidential and undisclosed. The transfers represent a massive coup for the Hammers, who have beaten off some of Europe's biggest clubs to secure the services of the duo."

Now there are two interesting things here: the claim that it was a permanent deal, with subsequent events suggesting this was false; and the insistence that "All other aspects of the transfers will remain confidential". The fact that Chelsea had been negotiating to sign Tevez for a fee reported to be between £20m and £60m sort of added to the suspicion that there was something even dodgier than an 'Arry deal involved here. Especially when you remember that back in May of 2006, IKEA had claimed "Tevez will leave Corinthians if a team pays the contract's release clause, which is between £69m and £83m". So how on earth had we signed him on a permanent deal exactly? And Mascherano into the bargain! Fishy? It stank worse than an eighty five year old prostitute after a visit from Wayne Rooney! Yet the Board, including Duxbury, insisted that everything was above board!

The position shifted in March 2007. By then, the contract agreements had been exposed by Liverpool's attempt to sign Mascherano on the same deal, forcing us to reveal the terms. The reluctance of the club to do so tells a story, as does the defence, that we should not be punished because the deal was struck by a former regime. That always seemed like a weak argument to me because it sounded a bit like "My mate made me do it!" Anyway, the owners and manager may have changed but one familiar figure had made it onto the lifeboat when the old Titanic went down - there, smiling in the prow, was Scotty!

Perhaps Scotty can't spill the beans because should he do so, our place in the Prem might be endangered even now. Fair enough if that is the case. But then, perhaps, he is therefore too dangerous to cut adrift which would explain why, during a double regime change, he has remained the one constant and why, despite seeming incompetence in a number of areas, he has been promoted rather than shunted out.

If anybody else can supply a logical explanation, I would be glad to hear it! If Mr Duxbury would care to offer a blow by blow explanation I would be delighted. Are we not entitled to know why Man Utd could do what we were not allowed to do? Somebody cocked up hugely; who was it and how much did Mr Duxbury know at the time?

Franco The Best? Better Than All The Rest?

How about these stats?

He joined Villareal in 2006, scoring 14 goals in 81 appearances during an injury-plagued spell in Spain. The veteran forward has scored six goals in 18 appearances for Mexico.

Hmmm suddenly Carlton sounds prolific. Then there's the injury plagued bit! Move over Beano, there's room on that treatment table for two. Oh hello Kieron, didn't see you there curled up beneath Beano's tummy!

Only at West Ham!

Dyer A Doubt

Now there's a headline you thought you would never read. It must be up there with, "Julian Clary is gay", "The Earth Isn't Flat" and "Labour Launch A New Initiative" as non news. Tell me, when isn't Dyer a doubt? This week it is his hamstring, next week it will be his groin, then it will be shin splints, then it will be a medial ligament...you name it, Dyer will be a doubt because of it before the season is over. How much are we paying him? Too bloody much!

Diamanti Must Start At Wigan!

The JJB Stadium has been a happy hunting ground for West Ham, except for that season when genetically modified moles were purchased from Chernobyl to dig up the playing surface in order to disrupt our passing game. Even when we needed to lose to knock Palace out of the play-offs, we somehow contrived to draw with a late late goal from that useless lump Brain Deane.

Wigan are in turmoil at the moment and that opening day victory at Villa seems a long, long time ago. I rate Martinez but there must be some doubts inside the dressing room after consecutive heavy defeats and some brutally frank criticism from the manager. You can imagine some are already thinking, "Well, a few more results like that and nobody will care what you think mate."

This is a great time to be playing the Latics and we need to put them to the sword, not circle the wagons, Turds style, and settle for a 0-0 draw from the kick off. The performance at Blackburn was gutless - it reminded me of the darkest days of Curbishley. Yes we played the ball on the ground rather than trying to launch it into orbit, but where was the attacking ambition? Poor Carlton must have thought that the rest of the team had gone home early, he was so isolated up front. I'm unconvinced by Jimenez - he sits far too deep and is not getting up to support Cole quickly enough. Dyer was anonymous after he came on but he did, at least, try to run beyond Cole after replacing Jimenez - albeit, the ball never got to him because Parker and Noble were under the impression that there was a prohibition on passing the ball forwards once we had reached the half way line.

This game is crying out for Diamanti. He must feel like a dog with three cocks after his two goals for the reserves and Wigan are the ideal opponents for his debut. We need to show much more attacking intent and Cole has to feel that he hasn't been sent to Coventry for every away fixture. If we play like we did at Blackburn, the best we can hope for is a draw; if we go for Wigan's throats from the off, a two or three goal victory could be on the cards. But without Diamanti, who will score the goals exactly?

West Ham Sign General Franco!

Grumpy and the Claret and Blue Klan will be turning headstands at the prospect of Franco joining West Ham. At last, another right wing fascist in the team, the heir apparent to the great Mussolini loving Paulo di Canio! Or did I misread that press release?

Green Blamed For Croatia's Goal

Sadly, events last night confirmed again that Green is nearly, but not quite, an international keeper. My dear friend Lee Vitout noted in passing that a Green error led to Croatia scoring last night, and the replies have been so predictable. "You what, you 'aving a laugh? Green made a great save just before so how can you say he was to blame for the goal?" Simples.

Yes Green did well when he pushed the ball wide and did well to recover his position so quickly, but the sad and brutal truth is that he could and should have held the follow up shot. His failure to do so presented Croatia with a goal scoring opportunity which Green should not have allowed. Yes others may have been at fault too, and I do not dispute that Johnson's defensive frailties were again exposed, but the goal came about finally because Green parried a shot he should have held on to.

Remember the goal against Bolton last season? Not the dropped catch but the parried shot which was tucked away on the rebound? This was a carbon copy - to Green's right, low down, close to his body, shot from close in. At full stretch, he is a wonderful shot stopper, as the first save showed, but maybe this repeat error highlights another frailty, to add to his failure to dominate his defenders and his weakness on crosses.

Sadly, he still looks to me like a weaker link in the team.

Lampard and Gerrard Getting In Each Other's Way For England

FFS, how many times does it have to be said? How many games have to be played before the idiots who manage England wake up to the truth? Me and the Three Monkeys have said it until we are claret and blue in the face, Lampard and Gerrard can't play together in midfield - they are too similar and get in each other's way!

Look at tonight! Tonight, one or the other could have had a hat-trick but, by playing both together, Capello denied each the sort of glory that Hurst basks in. Each got two and both must be seething that the glorious third goal was denied them by the other stealing their thunder. You're not telling me that Gerrard wouldn't have tucked away the penalty or that Lampard wouldn't have buried Gerrard's second! What a travesty! If Parker had been playing, you can bet your life that either Gerrard or Lampard would have had the opportunity to score three!

That idiot Hammersfan struck a bet in December on Newcastle being relegated and England winning the World Cup. He staked £20, hoping for a payout of £1200. No chance! So what that we are the leading scorers in European qualification so far, so what that we were in a difficult group and have won every game so far, so what that Croatia reached the quarter finals of the last Euros and yet we have beaten them 9-2 on aggregate over two legs, so what that we scored 5 tonight without Heskey or Rooney playing particularly well, so what that Rio Ferdinand, David James, Owen Hargreaves and Joe Cole were absent through injury, so what that we now have cover for every position except right back, so what that we should have scored ten tonight, so what that Croatia only had one chance and scored from a Green error, so what that Capello is a winner...we stand NO CHANCE of winning the World Cup with Gerrard and Lampard getting in each other's way. Hammersfan is a Spud Twat who knows nowt about football!

Lee Vitout.

Tell Toshak To Take A Running Jump

Remember when Bellyache managed to fit in an appearance for Wales in between two extended periods of absence due to injury? It was galling, to say the least, that a player scrapping with Dyer and Ashton for the cosiest table in the treatment room at West Ham, could suddenly roll up his death bed and run around on the international stage for Wales. I well remember West Ham's reluctance to let him join up with Wales at that time and it was so surprise to anybody when he promptly booked back into the treatment room upon his return to his employers.

Now we have Toshak complaining that Gabbidon's match fitness is not what he wants it to be. It seems we haven't given the guy enough playing time to please the fat Taff in charge. Well how bloody disgraceful is that? How utterly despicable of Zola and Clarke! Well, if Gabbidon is not match fitch, how did he get through 120 minutes against Millwall and why is he with the Welsh squad in the first place? After reading Toshak's comments, somebody from West Ham should put through a call and instruct him not to select Gabbidon. The game is a dead rubber anyway because Wales are not going to South Africa are they?

Is it just me, or do others agree that Toshak is a legend in his own mind who hasn't really achieved that much as a manager? He is certainly living on past glories!

Fears For Tonight

As I said on an earlier post, I remember all too acutely Bobby Moore's error in Katowice that catapulted us towards World Cup elimination. It would have been a catastrophe for me as an England fan, no matter who had made the mistake, but it was made a million times worse because it was the great man, my all time hero.

When we crashed out of the last Euros, the pain was almost as acute because I genuinely believe that in Ferdinand, Rooney, Gerrard and Lampard, we have four World Class players and that should be enough to win an international tournament. The mistakes that night were many fold but ultimately it boiled down to an incompetent manager picking the wrong players for the game. Scott Carson had a mare but he was not alone.

Tonight I worry that we may suffer a combination of the two, with a team capable of winning a World Cup losing a key game because of a mistake by a West Ham player. I have this dread that Green, like Carson, will be found wanting in a pressure cooker game and will drop a clanger - and corners and set pieces are the biggest danger because of his indecision on crosses. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen!

The other huge concern is Johnson. Bilic is cute enough to identify the £17m man as the weak link in the back four and will looking to exploit it. Barry is naturally left footed and so is more comfortable covering Cole and, if selected, Wright Phillips is not going to help out a lot defensively on the right hand side.

We should be strong enough to win this with something to spare, especially with Modric sidelined, but we do have this habit of shooting ourselves in the foot don't we? Please God, if we do lose, don't let it be because Green comes for and misses a corner!

Its Only Birmingham Reserves But...6-0!

We stuffed 'em and Diamante scored twice. The lad can take a free kick! 6-0! Start blowing those bubbles!

On The Horns Of A Dilemma

I have recently returned home from abroad where due to the financial collapse of one of my clients I was forced to take possession of an article in exchange for the money I am owed. Said article appeared to be a book, but on closer inspection turned out to be a kind of folder which contained twenty or thirty ornately embellished scripts. They are impressive objects, kept in a rarified atmosphere and with great attention paid to their care and maintenance. I was informed that they have a high individual value but great store was set by the villagers on the value of keeping them together as one unit. Indeed their passion was almost biblical in its proportion.

All the local villages appear to have one of these tomes, the contents of which are periodically bartered or exchanged. I have had several offers from people who wish to keep the folder together in what is considered its rightful place, in the village; but none of them have come close to the value I had to accept in exchange for my clients bad debt.

I really have nothing in common with these people and do not share their passion for this object, besides which I have my own financial constraints and commitments. Whilst it would be easier for me to sell the whole thing in one go, it appears to me that if I sell off the objects individually I would at least come close to getting my money back. Several of the local villages have offered me good money for individual pages which they assure me would be given very good homes and would complement their own collections perfectly.

So what should I do? Pander to the wishes of a group of people who feel their birthright is under threat, but with whom I feel no affinity. Or sell off my unwanted acquisition piecemeal in order to get my money back and settle my own commitments?

B.C. Doshling

Liverpool and Man City Waste Money On England Defenders

How much did Unreal City and Liverpool pay for Kryten Lescott and Glen Johnson? What an absurd waste of money! Every time I see either in an England shirt, I find myself wincing. Saturday's game again showed their defensive frailties and both are a potential Achilles heel in our World Cup bid.

Who else is there out there for either position? Wes Brown, like both Johnson and Lescott, worries me because of his inconsistency whilst Gary Neville is surely now past it. Is there anybody else? I'm struggling to come up with alternatives! Except, of course, for Micah Richards who, for some reason, Capello doesn't seem to fancy. Personally, I believe Johnson should be operating on the right side of our midfield with Richards behind him; but I may be wrong.

Suggestions or opinions anybody?

West Ham Takeover

As promised, more considered musings on the Ali al-Faraj takeover rumour, delayed somewhat by my mother being rushed into hospital. (Some things do take priority over West Ham!) Do we want it or should we pray that he and Storrie stay well away?

Try "binging" the guy and Wikipedia offers the following option:

al-Faraj may refer to:

* Abu al-Faraj al-Isfahani, Persian scholar.
* Abu Faraj al-Libbi, nom de guerre of a Libyan alleged to be a senior member of al-Qaeda
* Abu-al-Faraj ibn Al-Jawzi, Islamic scholar of the Hanbali school of jurisprudential thought
* Abu-al-Faraj Runi, 11th century Persian court poet who wrote Mathnavi
* Bar-Hebraeus, also known as Abu al-Faraj, catholicos of the Syriac Orthodox Church in the 13th century
* Jeshua ben Judah, also known as Abu al-Faraj, 11th century Karaite scholar, exegete and philosopher

Now none of those sound too promising to me! Most of them will only get to London if appearing in the British Museum in mummified form and the second one on the list sounds even less enticing! If it is him, before we know it, the Yanks will be declaring war on East London (although they would be guaranteed to only take out Tottenham fans as collateral damage!) and the victims of the IRA will be demanding a Tevez style payment for the supply of semtex!

Google throws up a more likely option, one Ali al-Faraj who is a "Phone Banking Services Manager at Alinma Bank, Saudi Arabia". The guy is on linkedin.com and lists his "contact settings" as

* career opportunities
* consulting offers
* job inquiries
* expertise requests
* business deals
* reference requests
* getting back in touch

Now wouldn't it be all too typical if he was our man, turning up in a tea towel and a dressing gown, waving a Suadi bank business card and forgetting to tell anybody that he works in a call centre! Of course, for good measure, the CIA would identify him as the al-Qaeda bod and launch a targetted airstrike anyway!

Full of Eastern Promise? I think you would find more in a Turkish Delight personally. I hope I am wrong but this sounds like a load of camelshit to me and, until we see the colour of his money, I would not get too excited. So who will take over our beloved club?

Heard the one about the Arab, the pornographer and the Yank...

West Ham Take Over. A Storrie With A Happy Ending?

More musings on this later, I have to go out now. But interesting to see Iain Dale's take on the possible return of Storrie. Never mind that we would be out of the woods financially, Mr Dale thinks this is worrying. Why? Well, Duxbury would be surplus to requirements then, wouldn't he?

But then, looking at the pic of Storrie, should he return, Dale might just be worried about the availability of pies!

West Ham Trio Look Like England Understudies

Unfortunately, all three Hammers on show tonight looked what they are, squad players rather than first picks for England. Upson did ok but his distribution wasn't great and he looked very much the junior partner to Terry. Rio remains a much better player. Mind you, Kryten Lescott was awful so Upson must remain Understudy Number One.

Poor Carlton was only on for ten minutes or so but that was long enough to show us what we already know. His run into the box was superb but the shot that followed was woeful. If we need a goal to win or save a game, Carlton would not be the man for the job would he? Can he edge ahead of Heskey and Crouch? Defoe may make that an academic debate if he keeps sticking them away!

And Green? Well that hand ball was embarrassing wasn't it? Imagine if he did that in a World Cup quarter final and England went out to the resultant free kick! Could he have done better for the goal? I don't think so, Johnson and Lescott have to carry the can for that one, but there is something about Green's demeanour that makes him appear nervous - and that cannot inspire confidence in the defenders in front of him. So, when fit again, my money would be on James to claim back the number 1 shirt sadly.

Turds On TV

Old Baggy Eyes is back, appropriately appearing on "The Football League Show", home of the Fizzy Pop and below. He has just been asked if he fancies the Barnsley job and looked utterly non plussed. "Barnsley? It's not so long ago that I was interviewed for the England job," he must have been thinking!

Imagine for a moment, just imagine, if Turds had been made National coach! I suppose he couldn't have cocked it up any more than McClanger did and, had he secured the job, he would not have been available to take over from Alan Pantsdown would he? Where would we be now I wonder, had Turds and Egg never formed their unholy alliance?

Di Michele Robbed!

Poor David Di Michele doesn't have many highlights to look back on from his stint in Claret & Blue. There was that goal against Newcastle (not the deflected one!), his delightful curled shot which came back off the post against Hull and his involvement in the Goal of the Season, Cole's stunner at Wigan; but those apart, what was there to occupy the memory cells? We shouldn't forget the lace tying incident of course but surely his stand out moment must be that dive against Liverpool, one of the most absurd I have ever seen. Take a look at the picture above and admire the straight line shape of the guy as he threw himself through the air.

Now the Mail has cited the 5 best dives ever and, incredibly, Di Michele's Olympic standard effort has been overlooked. I demand a recount!

Bans Hitting Chelsea and Arsenal Must Be Upheld For Good Of Game

This is not a partisan post, trying to score points against Arsenal and Chelsea because they are rival London clubs, but a genuine hope that, for the good of the game, the recently imposed sanctions stick. Both clubs obviously intend to appeal and my money would be on them winning, not because they are in the right, but because of their financial muscle. Platini and company are like the g20 leaders and the clubs are like the banks. We all know that the politicians will not have the balls to rein in the banks despite all the noises off - because without banks, the world economy blows its head gasket; similarly, without the Chelseas, Real Madrids, Man Utds etcetera, FIFA and UEFA don't have a sport to manage.

So, the tail will try to wag the dog and lawyers will set out to prove that this how it should be. But true football fans know that at present we have a cheats charter and that something needs to be done. I accept that to pick on Eduardo alone is stupid, but for change to happen, you have to have a starting point. The guy dived, anybody who tries to argue otherwise isn't worth listening to. You could see it on his face when he picked himself up and readied himself to take the penalty - he was actually embarrassed! Well cheats shouldn't prosper and examples have to be set. Let's see this used as a precedent to drive diving out of the game - anywhere on the pitch! Simulation is sickening. I remember a campaign to stop the feigning of injury but sadly that was short lived. Let's bring back yellow and red cards for players rolling around in agony when they have been barely touched and two game bans where TV evidence proves that there was no contact.

As for tapping up, after Chelsea, Real Madrid must be punished. How can they not be after publically tapping up Ronaldo for the best part of two years?

Sears Back On The Escalator To Success

Sometimes you have to go backwards before you can go forwards and it was great to see Freddie tucking away a goal in an England shirt. When he burst into the team with that glorious goal on debut, we had high hopes that, at last, we had found the new Tony Cottee, but what followed was like a Lidl desert after a Marks and Spencer main course: the boy was as effective in the box as Luis Boa-Morte or a Roman eunuch.

Of course, one swallow does not a sex goddess make, but every time he makes the net bulge, the boy must grow in confidence. He is not the new Jimmy Greaves or Michael Owen sadly, and he probably isn't the new Jermaine Defoe or Tony Cottee either, but he might yet develop into an opportunist Premiership striker. How ironic is it, therefore, that Neil Warnock is currently overseeing his development rather than Gianfranco Zola? That's a bit like entrusting the seduction of your son to Emily Bishop rather than Katie Price!

Still, for now, in Neil Warnock we trust!

Is Duxbury Overfeeding His Pet Poodle Dale?

No surprise really given his softly softly interview with The Great Puppet Master, but that great self publicicist, Tory Boy and West Ham blogger Ian West Ham Til He Dies Dale is dribbling out the party line now, preparing the ground, it seems to me, for further departures in January. In order to emphasise his own importance and confirm the integrity of the Great Claret and Blue Machiavelli, Dale opens his article with the observation, "When I interviewed Scott Duxbury in June he warned that the club’s accounts, when filed, would not make happy reading. How right he was." Well as CEO, he should know Ian. The amazing thing is, that just three months earlier he claimed that the club were not in trouble financially.

From here, Dale goes on to justify the sale of Collins - "Perhaps this demonstrates just how vital that £5 million fee for James Collins really was" - before heading off criticism surrounding the possible sale of Upson with "although you’d have to say it would have been entirely understandable if they had sold Matthew Upson." So when Matty goes in January, we will all understand - even if it is to Tottenham!

In case anybody thinks that Scotty was in anyway responsible, friend Dale asserts, "I don’t think any of us can have imagined just how badly Eggert Magnusson’s spending spree had landed us in it." Well actually Ian, anybody with half a brain managed to put two and two together when Eggert was shown the door and we started selling off our first team and replacing them with loan players and "never never signings". The repeated failure to publish the accounts was also something of a giveaway - as this blog pointed out! Of course, Mr Duxbury was a member of the Board during Eggert's time, although apparently he didn't think it appropriate to ask how the signings and salaries were being funded! A minor oversight as I'm sure Ian will gladly confirm! And Mr Duxbury was just as much in the dark about the Third Party ownership of Tevez!

There is a danger that these accounts, "obtained by the Guardian" might paint so desperate a picture and so alarm the Three Monkeys Brigade that they might actually voice criticism, so Ian is quick to tell everybody, "I’m told that since these accounts were filed the financial situation has been stabilised. Well thank the Lord for that!" What a relief Ian, I was beginning to think the club was buggered!

Hmmm. I wonder who released the accounts to the Guardian and who told Dale that the financial situation has now been stabilised?