Thursday, 26 December 2013

Outclassed and into the bottom two! Blame Allardyce!

I haven't had a chance to listen to Allardyce's whinges yet, having just got back from the game, but it's a pretty safe bet that he is bemoaning missed chances, injuries and silly mistakes.

What he will almost certainly not say is:

"We are second from bottom and rightly so. Our football has been shit for most of the season and there's no point in me moaning about missed chances because I have constructed a squad of players who, historically,  have a dreadful goals per games played scoring record."

"Arsenal outclassed us for 86 minutes today and although we took the lead, there was only ever going to be one winner in that game. True, they took longer to score than we had any right to expect but once they got one goal, they were always going to get three or four."

"What can you expect when you offer next to no threat going forward and when you end up with Tomkins and McCarthorse as a centre back pairing? But don't blame them, in fact don't blame anybody except me. I was given £20m to spend this summer and I spent it on Carroll - even though he was injured - and Downing - even though we had an abundance of midfielders and a shortage of strikers and defenders."

"Look at today, even with Downing and Morrison out, I still had Taylor, Diarra and Collison on the bench despite having five midfielders out on the pitch. But what cover did I have for the striker and defender positions? I signed Rat in the summer but prefer McCarthorse at left back, even though the Romanian featured in a Shaktar team that beat Arsenal not so long ago."

"Yes we missed chances but Carlton has only ever scored two goals in the same game a handful of times in his whole career, so once he had netted, there was next to no chance of him getting another. I know my statistics after all! It was a delicious ball in from Rat, but to expect Carlton to deflect it into the net, you would need to be optimistic to the point of being foolhardy."

"And when Noble played that brilliant pass to Jarvis, we all knew Matty would miss. Again, just look at his goal scoring record and the stats tell you that, after scoring so recently against Spurs, it will be a couple of months at least before he bags another."

"Then there was the Joey O'Brien chance. But why was he in the penalty box anyway? He should have scored but if he can get into the box, why can't Nolan and Diame? Shame about that missed chance by Nolan from Noble's free kick too. He scores every time in training but he's missed three times in game time now."

"At the back we were valiant, but we were marking fast moving shadows. And as for the Arsenal equalising goal, well what can you say about that? Apart from, what cnut picked Adrian ahead of Jussi?"

"So, hands up, I am to blame, totally, utterly and completely, 100% to blame. I spent £20m unwisely in the summer and I have an imbalanced squad in consequence. And I'll tell you something else, we are worse off points wise than we were under Grant at this stage of the season. Now that is bloody worrying."

"One last thing, I want to apologise to the fans for the crap football we are playing. Don't get on the players' backs guys, I'm the cnut who signed them!"

Player ratings: Adrian 1; O'Brien 5, Tomkins 5, Collins 5, McCarthorse 6; Noble 7, Diame 5, Nolan 4, Joe Cole 4, Jarvis 1; Carlton Cole 7 Subs: Demel 5, Rat 6, Taylor 4


Anonymous said...

Ha ha....all aboard the West Ham United AlFeelgood Factor Express to the Championship, League One, oblivion and beyond!!!!

Anonymous said...

McMerry Xmas to you! :-)

Anonymous said...

I've not seen the game but have seen the post match interview. Apparently for large parts of the game we were the better team and had Arsenal on the ropes. Similar performances against west brom and Fulham should see us start moving away from trouble. That's all according to our deluded twat of a manager of course.

Personally I think we're fucked!

Hammersfan said...

LOL 2221, for a moment there I thought you were being serious about having Arsenal on the ropes!

Anonymous said...

Ain't that a shame............! Merry crimbo spam dangler! X

Anonymous said...

We need to get rid of him now! For the last 2 months I can't work out his substitutions! Today 1-0 up and he brings Demel on for JOB. 5 minutes later we are 2-1 down so we need a goal lets bring Taylor on he will get us a goal Sam!!!!
Heads gone and completely lost it.

Anonymous said...

we are the worse team in the EPL - absolutely no doubt.

Clacton Road Iron said...

Fucking spot on -

Footnote - Who holds the record for the biggest semi final aggregate defeat in the history of the League Cup in its many guises since its inception?

We do - 5-0 to Luton - 1989 - we got relegated that year too.

We did try and top it in 1990 by losing to the mighty Oldham 6 - 0 in the first leg - but won a pointless scond leg 3- 0. We didn't even reach the play off's that season.

Last time in the League Cup semis - fucked it after being 2 goals up at half time to the mighty Birmingam to lose 4 - 3 on aggregate three years ago - Oh we got relegated as well.

Looking forward to playing City in the League Cup semi in a couple of weeks time I predict a new semi final aggregate defeat, followed by relegation in record time, and Carroll will be match fit come August 2014 following his free transfer to Newcastle. Can there have been a more shit Team to have been saddled with?
If there is please let me know as I could do with a laugh - I don't think I have smiled since that seven year old in the Chicken Run came out with" go on Nolan use your pace" during the Sunderland extravaganza.
Clacton Rd Iron

Anonymous said...

Regarding a replacement for Allardyce I think we should look no further than Neil Warnock, to be honest. Given the similar managerial styles, approach to football and quality of squad available I honestly think we could do a lot worse. Let's face it we haven't got the money plus Warnock has a point to prove at this level (and he is available). The perfect replacement would have been Tony Pulis but obviously he is now working the magic at Crystal Palace.

What does everyone else think....?

Anonymous said...

Karma...................bloody hell!

Anonymous said...

17.17,totally agree with you mate. We should get warnock to replace sam asap. If not sooner.x

Anonymous said...

Hey hammerfraud,not so lippy about Leeds these days are you? Is this because w,ham are friggin apalling and Leeds are in the top six? The only way you can get hits and earn a few pence on your grubby little site now,is by toadying up to LUFC. Just think,by early evening tonight w,ham could be bottom. I expect sunderland to beat cardiff so we'll all have a laugh at your expense as the relegation express leaves the siding driven by your very own ross noble or whatever the little twat's called. COME ON THE MACKEMS!

Anonymous said...

I think you have been at the crack pipe. said...

outclassed and into the bottom two!blame allardyce but not me because do not actually leave my skol,cheesy puffs and shag pile to go and support my fellow hardcore fans at the mates.