New Contracts for Di Michele & Tristan

Is Zola really thinking of giving Tristan and Di Michele another year?

I was bitterly disappointed when I first read that Zola was considering giving them another year at West Ham. I know they have played more than any of us expected but are they what we need to finish top six next season? I certainly don't think they are and I am sure most hammers would agree. We know Zola has a transfer budget so why would he be thinking of keeping them? Is he just being clever and motivating them to keep going at a time when we need them, or is our budget that small?

Zola was quoted in the media saying the following – "It looks very well for the club, we might have the possibility of buying players and also to be in a situation where we can really look forward positively," he said. "It is too early to say which players because a lot will depend on players developing and it will depend whether we achieve a European spot, that will give us a different perspective for next year." Zola feels any changes will bring stability. "Something is happening, all I know is that it will be of benefit for the club because we will have stability for two or three years," Zola said.

Now that leaves the door ajar on several counts. Firstly, I interpret this as Zola putting as positive a front on it as he can. We probably have a small budget for new players (plural) but if we qualify for Europa Cup we can expect to earn more revenue so have a bigger budget. I suppose the reverse of that is, if we qualify for Europa Cup and sign players but get knocked out in early rounds, we then have to sell!

Secondly, he said “...a lot depends on players developing...” I hope that is an encouragement to the youngsters to take their opportunities and stop Zola buying a replacement for their position. Zola also referred to Ashton returning fit next season and it sounds as though he is looking forward to seeing him in the claret and blue. We are continually linked with young Italian strikers but it all depends on just how much Zola has for a budget, who we have ambitions to buy and who we can afford to sell without weakening the squad.

Any club needs at least four strikers. A club in the Europa League, needs at least five. There's Cole and Ashton but both play the traditional centre forward role and have yet to show that they can play together. We can be sure Zola wants the kind of second striker that he was and that is why I believe he perseveres with Di Michele. Then we have Sears - not ready yet and needing a loan period a division down. Savio – better midfielder but also not ready yet. Dyer – always injured and could play the link up role if he can shake off his niggling injuries. Junior Stanislas is another that I feel could play that role but they are both really midfielders.

To be certain of top 6 next season we need at least one more striker of the Bellamy/Zola type. If the lack of a budget means we have to rely on Tristan and Di Michele for another year then we will know that the ambitions of our club are not what we all hope they are! I would love to see Tevez back here and if we could get the funds together I am sure Tevez would return, especially if we have the Europa League to play in. It seems a forlorn hope that we can raise any more than a smile though, as other clubs beat a path to his door.

Against the weaker opposition of Europa Cup, should we qualify, we need to think in terms of maybe using the younger players and reserves knocking at the first team door and our first choice strikers sitting on the bench ready to come on should we need a goal or two? Playing two 32/33 year old 'has beens' even in qualifying matches seems to me an absolutely pointless exercise. The pair of them have shown that they are completely outclassed in the Premiership and there is little or no point in signing players like that again unless we do not have a budget worthy of the name.

Finally, the third point I picked up on is the reference to "Something is happening, all I know is that it will be of benefit for the club because we will have stability for two or three years." The media have seized on that as confirmation that we are being taken over by the banks that BG owes money to. Those banks, led by Straumur, have been widely reported in the media to want to keep us for 3 years before selling up which I take as posturing. It does mean that we do not have a buyer as such, and the banks that BG owes millions to for buying and investing in West Ham, are seizing us back to make us an asset on their books instead of the loss we represent for them at present. Whether that is a good thing or not remains to be seen because bankers are bankers...

I have said in an earlier article that the banks will probably try to load all of BG's debts directly onto West Ham in the same way as the Glazers did at Manchester United and Gillet and Hicks did at Liverpool. It is not as far fetched as some would have you believe as, BG probably did that indirectly anyway. BG used his holding company Hansa, to borrow £85m from Straumur, the Icelandic investment bank now leading the 'take-over'. The interesting side issue is that this loss has temporarily pushed Straumur into administration mainly due to that £85m becoming a bad debt on their books.

BG then borrowed extra money from the other banks, to enable him to invest another £30.5m in new shares in West Ham during September and December 2007. That means BG's total investment in West Ham was £115.5m and virtually all of it was borrowed. Hansa went bust owing £230m just a few months later so £115.5m of that debt plus the accumulating interest, relates directly to BG's purchase and investment in West Ham. The rest of the debts of Hansa were mostly owed to BG or his other bankrupted companies interestingly.

Consider then just how was BG planning to repay those £115.5m loans from the banks then bearing in mind BG and his companies were owed another £115m? His holding company Hansa, had no income source, except from returns from the investments they made. There is only one possible explanation. West Ham was intended to pay Hansa enough money to enable Hansa to meet the loan repayments. It is just the same at Liverpool FC where the club is paying for Gillet and Hick's repayments for the money they borrowed to buy Liverpool. The same is true at Man United where the club is doing the same for the Glazers to buy them!

Clearly BG's company Hansa, couldn't make their repayments presumably because of Eggy's spending spree stopping us paying Hansa what we were supposed to pay? Possibly by then BG realised that Hansa and his other companies were doomed and he concentrated on trying to hold onto West Ham as the only potential source of income for him as its salaried Chairman? I don't see him lining up at the dole office somehow, so maybe that was his forlorn hope.

It seems then that the banks are about to take us off BG's hands to enable them to directly saddle the club with around £125m of extra debt (including interest) which should enable Straumur to come out of their own administration! If Straumur is indeed heading a consortium of banks as our new owner, then we will have to remain self-financing and repay BG's debts or at least interest on around £125m. That means there will be no additional investments into the team or ground unless it comes out of our profits. We may well have some “stability” but our profits will not be great as we will be paying for BG's follies for years to come. Probably as much as £20m a year or more will come off of potential transfer funds from loan repayments, fines and deferred compensations. Is this the reason Zola is considering another year of Di Michele and Tristan? I certainly hope not!

Zola and Clarke have just signed contracts to 2013 and a lot of fans have speculated that they must have received assurances about the club's finances to have signed such long-term contracts but we need to keep that in perspective. If someone offered you a 4-years contract at £1.6m a year you wouldn't need a lot of assurances to sign especially if you are enjoying the job which I have no doubt he does. Zola is an honourable person and I'm not suggesting he is anything like those cynical professional footballers (like Bellamy) or managers (like Harry Bagpuss) but I think in those circumstances, any one of us would take the £6.4m contract whatever the assurances are! Perhaps Zola believes he is a good enough manager to do well next season with a limited transfer budget? He is good but, £30m-£40m could make him even better.

Big transfer budgets are not always the answer but it's nice to get involved in the speculation and excitement and it helps sell season tickets in the way Tristan and Di Michele never could. Mind you, Tevez and Mascherano proved that star buys don't always work out especially early on at a new club. Bellamy, Upson, Dyer, Parker, Ashton and Neill were all signings that took time to see their benefits as players after we signed them. Our record signing Savio has yet to impress but on the other hand, Behrami and Ilunga at least hit the ground running. And after investing 8 or 9 months in Di Michele and Tristan (just getting up to fitness in Tristan's case) surely Zola knows that there are better loans out there than these two washed up has beens?

If we are to progress it mainly has to come from the players already here and development of our youth which is exactly what Duxbury and Zola have been saying for ages. It's what West Ham has always done actually, except maybe this time, we won't have to sell them on unless we overspend. That is fine up to a point and we have reached that point where another senior striker is needed. Dyer, Gabbidon, Behrami and Ashton will hopefully improve the squad next season and Collison, Noble, Tomkins and Stanislas will all be a year older and hopefully better players for their experiences. Savio and Sears clearly are not yet ready and need another year or so before they can truly be counted as first team squad players for a top six team so we definitely need to spend. If we don't spend, the players, senior and junior, are likely to lose faith and we could struggle next season which definitely would not help us find new owners!

As I said earlier, we are at an exciting point we have not been at for many a long year. We are just a Tevez/Zola type player away from being a superb team. Of course there are other issues like should we keep Kovac (no) and what to do with Faubert and Davenport when they return and Gabbidon and Ashton when fit again? These are side issues though in my opinion. I really believe that a major signing of a mobile second striker that can play off either Ashton or Cole is a major priority. As much as we all feel we have progressed this season it really is only a matter of style. We actually have exactly the same number of points that we had at this stage last season!

If we cannot afford a new striker then we are extremely lucky to keep Zola and Clarke. Remember just a year ago Zola was working with the cream of Italy's young players and Clarke was working with a quality squad of 20+ internationals at Chelsea. It must test their patience to have to work with Tristan and Di Michele every week and still keep smiling. Don't put yourself through that again on our account guys. They are the only management team that I know of, since Clough and Taylor's days, that can turn water into wine but Di Michele and Tristan are a step too far for even their magical coaching skills. Get rid please!

Billbanksy

West Ham Hit By Expenses Scandal

Hot on the heels of the Tevez scandal and stories of the imminent bankruptcy of the Icelandic owner, West Ham United has been rocked by news of an investigation into employee expenses dating back as far as the Curbishley era. A source close to the club confirmed, "An audit of expenses claimed from December 2006 has highlighted certain questionable claims and irregularities."

Full details are awaited but certain dubious claims have already been identified. Club officials are at a loss as to why the former manager was allowed to claim for a service of his brown Volvo and for a spring clean of his caravan. The claims submitted by Luis Boa Morte from January onwards for "bales of hay and a plentiful supply of carrots" are also being questioned. At a less serious level, the purchase of an Action Man by Freddie Sears and a Monopoly set by Jack Collison is also causing concern. "The figures involved may not be great but that is not the point. It is the principle that is at stake," said the source.

All this pales into insignificance, however, when set alongside Curbishley's claim for four great piles of manure delivered over an eight month period from January to August 2007. "Mr Curbishley promised us that the investment would enhance our performance on the pitch", the source revealed. "However the deliveries from Fulham, Tottenham, West Brom and Arsenal respectively appear to have been obtained for no worthwhile purpose whatsoever."

Shame on Zola!

Has Zola been visiting the same optician as Arsene Wenger, or perhaps it is just that he spent too long at Chelsea, or maybe his Italian roots are showing through? One thing is for sure, his defence of Di Michele's blatant simulation on Saturday does him, the club and football in general no credit at all. The smiling Italian is quoted as saying that Davide di Taking The Michele did not deserve to be booked for diving after missing the sort of chance 'Arry's wife is famous for tucking away.

"I don't think he looked for it," said Hammers boss Zola. "The referee booked him, but he just lost his legs and lost his balance."

Oh yes, and that made him throw his arms in the air and appeal for a penalty did it? When he felt one ankle collide with the other, yards away from Reina's legs, he genuinely thought the Liverpool keeper had tripped him did he? Come off it Gianfranco, pull the other one, it has the Bow Bells tied to it!

And before anybody leaps in with, "He is just defending one of his players", we don't want to see this in our game, and I certainly don't want the boys in Claret and Blue sinking to the level of the Drogbas and the Ronaldos. Leave the cheating to the big four lads, if we ever win something, I want us to win it honestly!

I hope it was just a mad moment from Zola, a throw away comment issued because he was caught off guard. If so, he should now put the record straight. I have drafted a simple statement for him to issue below.

"Although it appeared to be simulation, I would ask everybody to remember that Di Michele has been playing like a complete clown in recent weeks. The routine of tripping himself when through on goal, then throwing himself through the air with arms stretched wide, was simply part of the circus act. In future he will appear with Coco across the back of his shirt and in big red floppy boots stretching a yard out from his ankles. It is hoped these might enable him to get a foot on the ball inside the penalty box, even though he appears frightened to actually run into it over the course of a game!"

Or alternatively, Zola could just come out and say, "The dive and appeal were disgraceful and we do not want to see that sort of cheating at Upton Park. I apologise for Di Michele's actions and have decided not to sign him for next season as a result."

Noble For England

How good was Mark Noble on Saturday? In a generally shabby performance, Noble and Collison stood out as two genuine diamonds amongst so much paste. Despite being up against a very good Liverpool midfield, both held their own in a highly commendable fashion.

Noble's form has been patchy for much of the season and some have questioned his right to be in the team. We forget, however, that he is still only 21, a slightly bigger babe in a team of babies in recent weeks. Fans have rightfully been excited about Tomkins, Stanislas and Collison, but it was Noble who carried the battle to Liverpool and, until the arrival of Collison, did so almost single-handedly. And remember, in the last home game against Chelsea he had missed a penalty, something which might have caused some players to hide. Not Noble!

He does have some limitations. The pace isn't there, as shown when he declined to burst down the right hand side of the Liverpool box, but he has so many qualities as a midfield player and is older than his years. Fabio cannot have failed to be impressed: Noble isn't ready for England yet but he has surely been marked down as one for the future.

Can he play alongside Parker though? That is the big question. If not, and his better performances have been when Parker is not in the side, then I know who I would sell. Noble is young and fit and has Claret and Blue blood; Parker is good but not brilliant. Should City bid £12million in the summer it would be a no brainer for me.

Tevez Returning to Upton Park?

What are the chances that Tevez would ever return to West Ham? I felt that it was quite high a few weeks ago as I first read about him wanting to leave Man United but press speculation seemed to point towards him joining Real Madrid. A week or two ago he was very strongly linked to Real Madrid again when he was interviewed by Spanish journalists. He said he would like to play in Spain but his wording left me in no doubt that he meant at a much later date.

What raised my hopes then was that he intimated that his family wanted to stay in England. Today I saw the BBC report which raised my hopes yet again with the following -

"I don't think I'll be a United player next season. I've done everything I possibly can but they have never made me an offer or given me a contract. I have not been treated as a member of the (Man U) family. The fans treat me like family but United have not signed me so they don't respect me as a footballer. It's not true my family are unhappy in England. It's not true I want to leave England for Spain. My four-year-old daughter is learning English and my wife is very happy living in England. We want to stay. I want to play in England because it is the best League in the world and it suits my style.”

Tevez was visibly moved by the reception he got from us when he played at Upton Park this season. He played diabolically for Man U in fact due to that outward show of affection from us West ham fans. Add to that the fact that in a World Cup year Tevez needs to be a first team regular to be sure of his Argentina place. That cuts out a move to Liverpool where he would have to compete for a place as second striker and is almost certain to be in the same kind of position he is now as at Man United.
Arsenal and Chelsea are likely to have the same issues where competition for that second striker spot is really hot.

How about Everton, Spurs, Man Citeh or Villa? Well Everton has a shortage of strikers but play a 4-5-1 without a second striker. Spurs, Citeh and Villa don't have a shortage of strikers and he would have competition again. Tevez would also be committing a cardinal sin if he moved across Manchester to money-bags Citeh so out of the Premiership teams it seems to me that it is down to us if regular football is the objective!

Tevez's agent Kia Joorabchian works for us as our transfer consultant so I would be very surprised if it hasn't even been discussed as to how we could bring Tevez back even if it is on loan again? Hopefully this time Duxbury might get the paperwork right if it is true! None of the football journalists has made any connection to West Ham being a possible destination for Tevez but one of the strongest pulls is always the emotional one. He knows he is loved and revered at West Ham. He knows Zola is a good manager well versed in playing and coaching the second striker role which both of them excel at. He knows he would have Ashton or Cole, two England squad forwards, to play off. And he knows he would have regular football at a time he needs that to retain his Argentina place. He will also know that our thrust towards a Europa League spot has been hampered by a striker shortage yet we still might make it. 7th spot would certainly help our cause.

The only downside is our financial state. I cannot see Straumur putting money into us if they do take us over so how could we afford him? I am sure that if there is a will there is a way. Maybe it's an impossible dream but I remember waking up one morning 3 years ago to the amazement that he had signed for us first time round. We can dream some more surely?

Billbanksy

Worst Underachievement This Season? Tottenham, Liverpool, Chelsea, Newcastle, Man City or Arsenal?

This is a genuine question. Which of the clubs in the headline have "enjoyed" the worst season in 2009-10? A strong case can be made for each.

Let's begin with the obvious candidates, Newscastle. Monday is make or break time for the carToons and I can see their game of the season ending in a draw. If that happens, Newscatle really could be heading back to the Fizzy Pop, a desperately sad fate for a genuinely "Big" club. Newscastle, like Tottenham, should be held up as an example of what not to do if you want to succeed in football. Look at all the successful clubs down the years and there are two key components - stability at management level and developing home grown talent: Liverpool built a dynasty, an empire; Arsenal had a system and grafted on new players gradually over the years; Manchester United, of course, have had Ferguson and all of their success has grown out of the Beckham, Giggs, Scholes and Butt generation. Chelsea are the exception but then have Chelsea really enjoyed success? In terms of return for the money spent, the answer is arguably no. Meanwhile, the Barcodes have changed managers more often than the girls in the city change their underwear and don't seem to have any form of youth policy whatsoever. The result has been disastrous. King Kevin, King Owen, King Al, the monarchs come and fail but still the mistakes are repeated over and over and over again.

But has this year really seen Newcastle underachieve? Well the frightening truth is that, looking at the team, they are pretty much where they should be in the table. Tell me, now Given has gone, is there anybody in that Newcastle team who merits the description "pure class" or "brilliant" or even "a very good Premiership player"? Owen should be, but Owen is playing like a shot bolt, a broken thoroughbred with two lame hocks. Martins was meant to be, but I saw him playing in Italy before Newcastle signed him and I wasn't impressed. And apart from those? Mediocre is perhaps a generous description of the rest - a mixture of once weres, hoped to bes, might once have beens and never ever will bes. Underachievement? No, Newcastle's position represents a par performance for me, that's why I placed a bet on them to be relegated in December.

How about Man City? Well it is too early to judge. I desperately want City to fall flat on their faces but I suspect that won't happen. They have retained Hughes despite the temptation to get rid and stability is a key component for success as I have said. Also kids are coming through - Ireland, Richards, Johnson, Sturridge, with more waiting in the wings. When you look at the side, it is good already and will get better in the summer. Yes this season has been disappointing but the project is less than a season old. If the season has been used for "bedding in" the new signings, then it could be seen retrospectively as the prelude to a Caligula style orgy of excess. City dreams of Champions League football may not just be wet dreams after all!

The case for Chelsea is strong. Third place and an FA Cup is not good enough (assuming they beat Everton) but they were robbed by an appalling referee against Barcelona. Had Chelsea made it to the final for the second season running, that would have been acceptable, even if they then failed to win it. Something odd has been going on at Stamford Bridge. Abromovitch hasn't been chucking the money around as before and it may be, just may be, that he is getting bored with his little blue toy. who knows, he might be about to chuck his toys out of his pram, in which case, this year will be remembered fondly by Chelsea fans as one of the "death throws" of the Big Blue Monster.

Chelsea play Arsenal today in the smallest "big game" in the history of football. Chelsea will finish third by default, because Arsenal are not good enough, and Arsenal fourth because Villa ran out of steam. Today's match is of no consequence. And, like Liverpool, Arsenal will win zilch again this season. But is this underachievement? When you look at what Wenger has spent and the players he has lost, you have to say that Arsenal have done well to hold on to the coat tails of the bigger clubs above them. Based on transfer expenditure, Tottenham are now much the bigger of the two North London clubs, so Arsenal finishing so far ahead of their hated rivals is a triumph in itself. Add in a semifinal appearance in the Champions League and you have to say that this season represents, at worst, a par performance. Far from underachieving, this Arsenal side has over-performed and had they bought Arse Shavings last summer, they might have enjoyed a fantastic season. One thing is for sure, the Russian is the signing of the season. Spurs must be kicking themselves for not bidding higher when they were in the running for his signature. Moderateric or Arse Shavings, I know who I would rather have!

"Liverpool? Underachievers?" I can hear the Scousers squeal, "We stuffed your mob 3-0 yesterday!". Yes you did, and yes the performances in the last few weeks have been outstanding, but what happened in the middle third of the season when the pressure built up? Liverpool, from the manager down, cracked under the strain. What will Liverpool win this season? Absolutely nothing yet again, and that is disgraceful given the money spent and the presence of Torres and Gerrard in the team, two genuine World Class players. The brutal truth is this - Benitez has spent a massive amount to take Liverpool precisely nowhere this season. Second is not good enough. A quarter final exit in the Champions League is not good enough. Exiting the FA Cup to Everton is not good enough. Ok, the League Cup isn't worth mentioning unless you are a Tottenham fan, I accept. And who is to blame? The guy that no Liverpool fan seems to want to criticise. Benitez has blown it with poor rotation policies, poor signings and his stupid rant about the Mancs. You could hear Fergie sniggering as Benitez made his outburst. "Remember Keegan?" he must have said to his wife. "Here we go again!"

So Liverpool are my number two underachievers. No surprise in that, second is the best they can hope for in any competition these days!

And so we come to Tottenham "We are in Eighth and Above West Ham" Lukewarmspur. Let's wind the clock back to last summer. Do you remember? After signing Bentley, dos Santos, Gomes and Modric, this was finally going to be the year! Tottenham were going to finish above Arsenal and qualify for the Champions League. What could stop them? The team was brilliant and led by one of the greatest, most exciting, most tactically astute managers in the game. Oneday had guaranteed This Day, the Cockyfools would be crowing from the rooftops come May 2009. And what happened? I shouldn't laugh because my ribs were bruised in a footy game last week but honestly, the performance over the season has been truly risible!

A season that began with Arsenal in their sights is ending with the Cockyfools crowing because they might finish above West Ham. A season that began with Champions League aspirations has been spent largely securing Premiership survival. A season of hope turned into a season of angst and anguish. A season that began with a tactical giant as a manager is ending with Flash 'Arry in charge! Laugh, I could shit myself, but that's what Tottenham do when they come close to a successful season!

All that money spent and Tottenham are crowing about sitting in eighth place and that is underachievement with a capital U. So Cockyfools, crow away, you have won a trophy this season after all, the Top Underachievers. But hang on, that's a title you win nearly every season anyway!

Tottenham's King Arrested - Set Up the Guillotine!

Staggered and amazed by Tottenham edging ahead of West Ham on the back of a lucky point at Everton, Tottenham's Ledley King allegedly could not resist a night of unbridled celebration and so headed for...ahem, Soho...where he promptly got involved in a fight.

Amazing isn't it? His knees aren't up to playing a game of footy for England but, allegedly, they are perfectly fine for giving somebody a good kicking!

Still, you can't really blame Ledley for his celebrations. Tottenham have won absolutely nothing again this season, fighting relegation rather than challenging for a place in the top 4 for most of the season. Pulling level on points with little old West Ham United is the only thing these cockerels have to crow about these days.

Two games to go, and the big question in football is not who will be relegated, who will win the Prem or who will win the Champions League but can mega spending Tottenham hold on to eighth place? Nails are being bitten to the quick, strangers are being kicked in the street, key players missing, 'Arry's 'ead is twitching...the tension is unbearable.

Can they do it? Can Tottenham cling hold of eighth place even without missing players? The whole of the football world is holding its breath in an agony of expectation and doubt. Two games and six points to play for, two games and eighth place hangs in the balance, two games and...it's no good, the tension is just too much for me, I can't take it any more! I say, give them eighth place and have done with it. After spending all the money, surely eighth place is the very least that could be expected?

Eighth place after sploshing all that dosh? Isn't that akin to West Brom being relegated?

Sightings of the Lesser Spotted Dyer

Twitchers in East London are excitedly comparing notes following rare sightings of that most elusive of visitors to British shores, the Lesser Spotted Dyer. Famed for it's speed of flight and aggressive behaviour, the Lesser Spotted is renowned for rarely leaving the comfort of its nest, preferring instead to keep tucked up nice and warm through the winter in a form of hibernation almost unique in the world of ornithology.

Famous twitcher Bill Oddie told excitedly of seven brief sightings in 2008-09: "By the Lesser Spotted's standards, this is high exposure. On one occasion it remained in flight for an incredible 57 minutes having been startled from its nest by an unexpected intruder. Then, amazingly, it made an even longer appearance the following week - a whole 61 minutes - but the stress appears to be such that it has now gone to ground, disappearing from our radars completely."

Experts have been searching for an explanation for the latest disappearance but, to date, have come up with no solid answers. "It is perfectly possible that the Lesser Spotted is feeling unwell. All that flying, 118 minutes over a two week period, has probably exhausted it. I wouldn't be surprised if we have to wait another year before it ventures from the nest again."

Meanwhile, the twitchers' hopes of seeing an even rarer visitor in flight appear to have been dashed. Oddie explained: "The Beano is a member of the cuckoo family. It occupies a nest and fattens itself on the food intended for the smaller and younger fledglings. I always thought the predictions of Zola that we might see the Beano in flight this spring were dreadfully optimistic. It is a famously stubborn and lazy creature and will only take to the air when it wants to. Maybe September if we are lucky but, based on previous years, we shouldn't expect it to be in the air for long even then!"

The Day The Wheels Came Off

So, this was the day the wheels came off - but then we were playing Liverpool so what do you expect? There was the West Ham coach, sitting in the queue for the ferry to Europe, engine chugging a little under the strain of so many worn parts, when in 76 seconds flat, the Scousers had jacked up the bus and whipped off the wheels. From that point forward, there was only going to be one outcome.

Yes Liverpool were clinical but the defeat was down to us more than down to any brilliance from the team destined to finish runners up in the Premiership. The Torres pass to Gerrard was good but Kovac checked his own run and did nothing about Gerrard's, raising his hand in a "Please sir it was me" gesture as Gerrard galloped onto the ball. Upson was half a yard deeper than the rest of the defence and Gerrard said "Ta very much".

The second goal summed up Boa perfectly. Yes of course he should have had a free kick when Mascherano cut him in two, but why he then charged into his own box and tugged and pulled and pushed at Torres until he went to ground, only Boa can explain. Except Boa probably doesn't think he did anything wrong. He was still in the red mist of the earlier incident. What reason he possesses, and it is precious little at the best of times, had evaporated completely in the furnace of his indignation.

Boa was poor all game. Yes he put in a number of challenges but his distribution was absolutely dire. In that he was not alone. Did Lucas pass to a player in Claret & Blue all night? Defensively he was okay, except for the two times he went walkabout, but his passing radar was all to cock tonight as, time and time again, he lost possession in the twenty or so yards beyond the half way line.

Mind you, who did he have to pass to? Tristan was moderate and Di Michele was, once again, bloody awful. How ridiculous was his attempt to claim a penalty after his risible attempt to capitalise on Carrragher's slip? That has to be one of the worst efforts on goal followed by one of the worst dives ever. He should have been sent off three times over - for the professional foul on himself when clean through on goal, for the dreadful dive and ludicrous appeal for a penalty, but most of all for "gross incompetence on a football field"! I would say that he should never be picked again but what is the alternative? Sears? The boy runs around but that's about it isn't it?

In midfield Stanislas was again found wanting. I hope I am wrong but I fear he will be a Fizzy Pop player one day soon. Noble was combative and drove the team forward but his set piece delivery was decidedly average. Kovac missed our second best chance and was hopelessly at fault for the opening goal. Collison, thankfully, looked class when he came on. We need him against Everton and Miserableboro.

Green was excellent, in front of Fabio, and was desperately unlucky with the penalty. Upson and Tomkins were okay but neither will remember the game fondly. Ilunga did ok too. But it was not a day to remember all round.

The bus to Europe is now jacked up on piles of bricks. Wasn't Cole meant to be targeting this game for his return? Wasn't there talk from Zola of pressing Beano into action before the end of the season? Where exactly is Dyer? Why have we bought Savio exactly?

Suddenly Calais seems a very long way away!

Player Ratings: Green 8; Neill 5; Upson 6, Tomkins 6, Ilunga 7; Boa 3: Kovac 5; Noble 7, Stanislas 4; Tristan 5, Di Michele 0 Subs: Collison 8, Sears 5; Payne (Unfair to rate!)

West Ham v Liverpool. If Anybody Deserves A Great Reception, It is Carragher.

I was appalled by the crowd's treatment of Lampard and Terry, feeling that in the case of these two, bygones should be bygones. Lampard had no choice other than to leave the club after the dismissal of his dad and uncle, and had been a figure of hate for a section of the crowd even whilst wearing the Claret & Blue. Terry left us aged 14 and can hardly be held responsible for the actions of his mother. Both are brilliant in their positions and fantastic servants of the England team. Carragher, on the other hand, is beyond reproach as a model human being.

To begin, leaving aside his supposed great crime against West Ham, there is this mistaken notion of Jamie's dodging his National Service. The guy has been accused of being a traitor, putting his ego over and above the national football team. Upset about not being first pick, some say, the Jamie Dodger walked out on the England team and declined to swallow his pride when injuries and suspensions made his presence crucial in that vital game against Croatia. Now some will argue that, in the long run, that torrential cloud had a silver lining because the Wally with the Brolly was washed back down his spout, but I believe that, even with McClaren in charge, we could have made the final in the Euros. Because of Carragher's selfishness, some say, we will never know. "If I'm not number one, I'm not playing and sod the country." Carragher's attitude seems, to some, to sum up the whiney Scouse Nation perfectly - they think they are a people apart, so special, so unique. Give them their own Nation some say, now that literally would be a police state! What nonsense! The people of Liverpool are the salt of the earth - every one a model bastion of society and the perfect citizen!

And Carragher is not a stranger to crime some say! They point to that "autobiography" where he talked about his mates asking him on a mobile about whether they should beat up Luckless after seeing him in a shopping Mall? The only reason Carragher gave for not green lighting it, he says in the book, was that Neill had seen him with one of the guys, so the link might be made. Do I believe the story? That's not the point, it is the example it sets some say. Those Liverpool teenagers who have actually entered the education system might read that and think it is acceptable to behave in that way, they contend! What nonsense! We know there is no street crime in Liverpool, no gang crime! What an absurd assertion! Everybody in Liverpool respects the laws of society and cooperates with the police to help solve crime. Closing ranks against the rossers? Not in Liverpool mate!

But to the supposed big crime, the reason why West Ham fans should loathe Jamie - that instruction he gave to press Scaloni in the Cup Final, ignoring all the supposed rules of gentlemanly conduct in the process. Gentlemanly conduct? What am I saying? This was a Cup Final, a showpiece event it is true, but a Cup Final. Remember what Shankley said about football being more important than Life and Death? There's no gentlemanly conduct in war is there? Well apart from the Geneva Convention and that seems to be flouted all the time these days anyway. No, Jamie was right to give that instruction! He was leading, setting an example, showing the world that winning at all cost is more important than honouring the spirit of the game. Jamie deserves a medal. Oh, of course, he got one!

So I don't want a repeat of the vicious abuse of Terry and Lampard - that cannot be justified under any circumstances, and nor do I want to see the guy get the whistle every time he touches the ball. That's not what he deserves. In fact, why not give him a plaque before kick off thanking him for his services to the National team and to the spirit of the game? Jamie Carragher, Liverpool and England God, a figure admired and revered by every Hammer in the land. Jamie, this blog salutes you!

How good is Ledley? Cardiff and West Ham fans, share your opinions!

I admit I know nothing about the lad. He plays for Cardiff and Wales, I know that much, but neither is exactly a great reference is it? If he is worth having, why haven't Arsenal, Tottenham or Liverpool bid for him? Reports are suggesting that he is now Zola's number one priority but my question to Cardiff and Hammers fans is, just how good is he?

Important Notice on Liverpool's Official Site Ahead Of Tommorow's Game.

I have lifted this off the official Liverpool website:

"Liverpool FC would like to make supporters travelling to London for Saturday's match at West Ham United aware of the following announcement.

A West Ham spokesman said: "After lengthy consultation with the Metropolitan Police, West Ham United has agreed not to sell alcohol to Liverpool supporters once the match has started at 17.30hrs."

"The kiosk will remain open for the sale of food, soft drinks, tea and coffee, but no alcohol will be sold once the match has started."

Dear God, how far do benefits stretch these days?

The official site sadly forgot to carry an important message for the players:

"Liverpool FC would like to make the players aware of the following announcement:

A West Ham spokesman said:

"When the ball is sportingly played into touch so one of your players can receive treatment, it is customary to return the ball to the opposition in a gentlemanly manner. Gentlemanly conduct does not include pressing the player receiving the ball so that he is obliged to clear it hastily into the path of an onrushing Gerrard. We recognise that with another trophy-less year beckoning despite a massive outlay of money on foreign players, there may be a temptation to try to cheat your way to victory but it is hoped that the spirit of the game will be observed despite the whining urgings of that traitor and cheat Jamie Carragher."

The spokeman then added after reflection, "Hang on, this IS Liverpool we are talking about. Why am I wasting my breath?"

Reference the photograph above: Notice the look on the solicitor's face? He is thinking, "Hang on, why have I got bricks under my car instead of wheels"!

All Smiles at Upton Park!

Zola and Clarke have signed longer contracts on higher salaries, the kids have been tied up (but don't tell Social Services!) and despite the stories about BG, all the noises coming out of Upton Park are positive. The latest quotes attributed to Zola are hugely reassuring.

The smiling Italian said, "It looks very well for the club, we might have the possibility of buying players and also to be in a situation where we can really look forward positively."

He continues, "It is too early to say which players because a lot will depend on players developing and it will depend whether we achieve a European spot, that will give us a different perspective for next year."

With regard to off field events, he said, "Something is happening, all I know is that it will be of benefit for the club because we will have stability for two or three years. We can carry on doing our job. I see it as a positive thing and everything is under control. It is the best situation we can have, things are going well on the pitch and off it."

That all sounds very reassuring to me. Apologies in advance if this post is carried on the Liverpool News Now board given Zola mentioned "benefits"!

You can’t buy that” & “Money Can’t Buy You Love” – New songs for Chelsea Blues.

John Terry’s recent quote to the media after beating West Ham, “You can’t buy that” may have come back to bite him on his proverbial backside.

Unfortunately for him, you can’t buy a Champions League final either, one of the most expensive teams in Europe tried their utmost to intimidate the referee, and at times it looked like an Olympic diving competition, the Chelsea players displayed arrogance to the point of presuming that they had a divine right to be in the final.
Of course the reason Chelsea lost The game was because of bad refereeing, and match fixing by UEFA, sound credible? It’s a big claim to make… Arsene Wenger is perhaps one of the few managers that doesn’t, regularly, blame the referee when his team loses, the same can’t be said about Chelsea. The sign of a great champion is gracious in victory and defeat, but this sight is becoming far too common in football and with particular teams, you don’t see child like tantrums in a rugby or tennis final, do you?

So there was one clear cut penalty claim when Malouda was bundled inside the penalty area, but let’s not forget the same happened against Henry in the first leg with the same outcome - no penalty. The other penalty appeals were very tenuous indeed, as for the ‘hand ball’ claim, the ball was rocketed towards the Barca player, he turned his back to the ball and it hit him near the top of his arm, is this a handball? It all smacks of desperation, Anelka commented that there is a huge pressure on players to win every game. If people are appealing for a penalty for the Anelka, Abidal incident, the latter being sent off, it was clearly not a penalty let alone a foul, consequently Barca had to play a third of the match with ten men – now that’s what I call an injustice! And to their credit Barca accepted it without verbally abusing the referee, instead they fought like champions and well the rest is history, as we know Iniesta scored a scorcher in the last minute of the game, every bit as good as Essien’s first half goal. Some people have commented on the incompetence of the referee, but let us not forget that it’s a game of two halves, or in this case two legs, and Barca came into the match with a slight disadvantage of an away game, but with a huge advantage of having no goals scored against them at home from the first leg, hence a goal on the night would put them in the driving seat - who’s fault was it that Chelsea played an unimaginative stifling game instead of an attacking one in the first leg, putting them in a vulnerable position?

Barcelona had 65% possession overall, and tried to play the beautiful game as it should be played: the attacking, passing game on the deck. I think from a neutral’s point of view Barcelona versus Man United will be a dream final, two positive attacking teams with bags of creativity and amazing goal scoring talent. Although many whinge about him I have to agree with Platini - who wants to endure a deja vu of last year’s premier league teams playing each other in the final again? After all we want to watch less familiar European teams fight it out for the ultimate prize in football, don’t we? Although I’m sure many Chelsea fans won’t share that sentiment.

The Beatles once sang that ‘money cant buy you love’, but try telling that to Abramovitch! I’m sure we’re all aware, there are many things that money can’t buy, but try as they did, testing the referee’s resolve by intimidation in order to win a game they were clearly in danger of being outclassed in, the referee would not budge and couldn’t be bought. Maybe John Terry’s quote is most fitting for these moments: “you can’t buy that”.

Hotshot C

If Liverpool Lose On Saturday They May Take a 10 Point Deduction!

It's kind of ironic that this story about BG's financial woes comes out when we face into the biggest game in the history of the club. It's true that a win this Saturday would mean we are odds on for Europe but that's not why. Its true that Rob Green is closing in on the best season by a West Ham keeper in the the last 10 years but that's not it either. In fact it really has nothing to do with us apart from how this game will go down in history.

If we beat Liverpool and ManU win then their title push is over. Now when you look at this in the context of what is going on behind the scenes at Liverpool then you realise why this is more important than other game in the long history of the two clubs.

Liverpool are currently over £350M in debt. That debt was due to be refinanced in January of this year but principle bankers RBS and Wachovia refused to take on the loan for another term. This was partly due to the fact that the club's owners Hicks and Gillett withdrew the assets that had been used to secure the initial loan to buy the Merseysiders. I would point out that this was more likely due to more pressing concerns within their business empire.

There were some stories doing the rounds in January that Keane was sold as it was the only way the club could raise the money to pay the balance on the Torres transfer. These, like all stories that paint the top 4 in a bad light, quickly disappeared.

Some things that were not so easy to hush up are the stories from the States that Hicks recently defaulted on a £10M payment on the loan he took out to buy the Texas Rangers and the Dallas Stars. He has claimed that it was a negotiating tactic with his creditors but it's not one I would recommend you try with your mortgage advisor. It has also recently come out that both Hicks and Gillet are both attempting to sell other assets in the US and some are saying that it is to raise some capital to help refinance the club. Hicks is selling a rodeo he owns in Mesquite Texas to a group of investors headed by Mike McCall. McCall told the Dallas News that the figure was considerably less than the $10M Hicks paid for the rodeo. This seems like a drop in the bucked when compared to LFCs debts. More likely it is being sold to help clear the arrears with his American lenders of the loan for his baseball and ice hockey teams.

When he and Gillet asked for an extension to find new investors or backers for the club they were top of the table, challenging in Europe and in the hunt for the FA cup. With all of these potentially lucrative competitions still a possibility they still couldn't find any new money.

Now with Europe gone, the Premiership hanging by a thread and their owners in the middle of some serious financial issues, a loss to us on Saturday could change the fate of Liverpool Football Club for ever. Any prospective buyer, who refused to meet the half a billion pound asking price when things looked a lot more promising, must now be thinking they can force the owners to sell the club on the cheap. The problem with this is that even if they get the club for a knockdown price they still have to shoulder the £350M debt.

However, if the June deadline to refinance passes without new investment and the club is put into administration, it would cost a good deal less to buy the club. Given the current squad of players at the club a 10 point penalty would not spell disaster for Liverpool. There is no chance of them being relegated and even with a ten point penalty, they could still make a Champions League spot. This may seem cynical but if the new buyers were my clients this is exactly what I would tell them to do.

One thing that is clear is that Liverpool can not continue to meet their operating costs and service the debt their owners have saddled them with.

Submitted by Celtic Hammer.

(The Blog Administrator has accepted this submission in good faith and cannot testify to the veracity of the content.)

Zola Can Learn From Chelsea's Performance Last Night

OK, Barcelona stole it but Zola should watch the tape of last night's game at Stamford Bridge and do some serious thinking. Now Barcelona may be a beautiful team, they may retain the ball superbly, but if the gods were just, Chelsea would now be in the Champions League final. They were by far the most EFFECTIVE team on the night.

At one stage Sky showed an amazing stat. Barcelona had enjoyed almost twice as much possession as Chelsea but the shots on goal target stood at 2-0 to Chelsea, with the actual score at the time 1-0 in favour of the plastics. Why? Because for all the ball retention, for all the neat passing, Barcelona were not direct enough, they were playing in the middle third of the field and not penetrating the crucial final third. It was pretty but it was pretty ineffective!

Now I was a huge critic of Turds and do not want to see a return to his long ball, lump and hope game, but as Chelsea showed last night, getting the ball forward quickly, with the ball "over the top" into the space behind the centre backs, can be a wonderfully effective weapon. Chelsea should have had two penalties, maybe three, and the sending off, though wrong, was the result of a simple ball over the top. I thought Lampard was brilliant. In his own half he was simplicity itself, focused on ball retention, but in the Barcelona half, he was always looking for the killer ball, always looking for the space behind the Barcelona centre backs. He would have been rewarded with a place in the final had the referee not been a complete pillock!

And the relevance to West Ham? Like Barcelona, too much of our passing is in the middle third of the pitch. We need to get the ball into the box more often and sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the direct route is best.

£301 million in debt - and counting!

301, it has a nice ring to it doesn't it? But is the figure quoted for Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson's personal liabilities genuine, or has somebody just chucked a dart and come up with the bull...shit?

Is it pure coincidence that this is the number you count down from in darts or is it a wonderfully apposite metaphor for the interregnum of the Icelandic ownership? Gudmundsson came to the ocky, chucked a few darts, pissed his fortune up against the wall, then sloped off with his tail beneath his beer belly.

There has been a lively debate on this site about the honesty and competence of BG. If he really is facing personal bankruptcy then, I think, the judgment has to be unfavourable. It appears from the latest stories that the guy is a true merchant banker, in the cockney rhyming slang sense of the term.

Yet, strangely, we do seem to be immune from all this. The noises coming out of the club remain positive and, even in these days of recession, it seems that Straumur see us as an asset worth retaining. So credit to BG and Duxbury there!

Will the bankers twist or stick? Do they understand that to make the best return on the investment, they have to improve the squad? These are interesting times. The fact that Zola and Clarke signed those contracts is very reassuring; and even more reassuring is the fact that the club were in a position to offer the improved contracts in the first place. Companies going to the wall do not generally double the salaries of key workers!

I am hopeful but my fingers are crossed. I've just watched Chelsea's dreams crushed in a split second. It's a funny old game out there on the pitch; add in merchant bankers and there's no telling what might happen - as Boa shows every time he plays!

Anyway, three darts to finish - Liverpool, Everton and Boro. And irrespective of BG's troubles, I'm hoping for ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!

A Call For Decency and an Apology To Tottenham Fans

The nature of some of the responses in the comments section of any article which mentions Tottenham is truly depressing. The dos Santos article was, perhaps, a little provocative, referring as it did to "expensive rubbish" but the fact is, it was a West Ham article asking whether we should bid for the guy. The history of West Ham signing players from Tottenham is not a happy one - we have picked up some 2 carat diamonds (Zamora and Etherington) but most have been 9 carrot vegetables rather than 9 carat jewels - so I say, steer clear!

Then in piled the morons. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy the banter and I enjoy the passion. Tottenham fans are welcome to post here and the rivalry inevitably leads to some barbed comments, but many of the comments are completely beyond the pail. Children might read this site so crudely graphic sexual references are completely unacceptable. The morons who posted those sick comments need to grow up.

However, my utter contempt is felt for those so called West Ham fans who seem to think it is funny to joke about the Final Solution. Get to Auschwitz you hideous retards. Stand in the the one gas chamber that remains and imagine crying mothers holding babies in their arms. Look at the pile of human hair, see the bins of shoes, every size right down to the tiny ballet shoes of a two year old. Look at the photographs of the victims, stare into their eyes and imagine. These "jokes" are truly obscene and have no place in our society. The comments are not funny, they are sick and anybody who thinks they are appropriate needs help. It is not just the Jewish victims you are insulting, it is every hero who fought against Hitler and the Nazis. That might include your parents or grandparents you fools.

Kick racism out of football? I would like to kick this mindless scum out of society. And before you say Tottenham fans call us Pikeys, yes they do, and yes that is stupid and childish, but it is not in the same league. If you can't see the difference, you must be morons.

West Ham as a club should be now take a stand. The hissing to simulate the Gas Chambers at White Hart Lane must stop. If I was the team captain, I would lead the players from the field if I heard it. CCTV should be used and the fans responsible banned for life.

I will finish by carrying a comment left by El Martillo which sums things up nicely. My final comment is that people should think a little about the bigger picture and to apologise to Tottenham fans for the moronic grunts of the animals who participate in this.

"The constant one-upmanship between Hammers and Spurs fans reminds me of two thirteen year old boys arguing about who has the bigger willie, whilst a mature woman watches with a smile that says "you've both got some growing to do before you get into my bed". The fact of the matter is that we are both in the second tier of premiership clubs.

Rivalry is an important ingredient in competitive sport, but the ability to feel hatred with the same passion as to feel love is perhaps a sad reflection on modern society. The inability of many of the posters to convey that passion without aggression, racism or crimes against the English language speaks volumes."

Let Tottenham Keep Their Overpriced Rubbish!

It is probably just paper talk, but we are being linked with a bid for dos Santos. The question is, do we want him, if Tottenham are prepared to sell that is? Is Zola getting a bit carried away with this kindergarten team malarkey? At this rate there will be a nappy changing station installed in the Upton Park dressing room.

Hansen once famously opined, "You win nothing with kids" only for Becks and co to ram his words back down his throat. But they were a very special brood indeed and, as good as Tomkins, Noble, Stanislas and Collison look, I have seen nothing yet to suggest that, without experienced recruitments to play alongside them, they can carry the team towards the promised land of the Top 4. We have invested in the future in buying Savio, I would now like to see us building up the squad with a few players who we KNOW can perform in the Prem, rather than buy in hope.

dos Santos is, I suspect, one of those players who flatter to deceive. He may be a very good player one day but, at the moment, he is, at best, the icing on the cake, and maybe only the cherry on the top of that icing. We need to thicken up the cake mix itself before we worry about the incidental ornamentation.

And if he is considering a bid, Zola would do well to check out the history of players we have bought from Tottenham. They are not in the habit of handing us presents, but they do have a good track record of dressing up their rubbish to make it look tempting. My recommendation to Zola would be to give Giovanni the once over, then look elsewhere!

How Far Have We Come?

I blogged yesterday about how Owen and West Ham would be the perfect fit and the response has been interesting. In the "old days", lets say 12 months ago, the idea of signing Owen would have met with universal approbation. Here is the fox in the box we need, a proven goal scorer still with a 50% chance of making it into the World Cup squad. Instead, though not quite met with derision, the idea has received a pretty much comprehensive thumbs down from those cats whose owners have expressed a preference.

Is this an indication of how far we have come? Do we now feel so confident about our management team that we don't feel we need to add Owen's experience? Do we have such trust in Nani that we believe he will unearth a gem, a striker for the here and now and the future, rather than a striker of the yesteryear, maybe now and very unlikely for too much longer into the future?

Or has the injury blight clouded our thinking? Have Ljungberg, Dyer, Beano and Gabbidon frightened us into not taking a risk, no matter what the potential benefits?

If anybody can get him fit, Owen will score goals and those goals will win matches. I see him as the sort of player who can turn a Villa into a top 4 team, who could fire Everton to a European trophy, a player who could transform us from nearly men to the real deal. It is a risk, a huge gamble, but if you want to hit the lottery jackpot, you have to trust to your luck and buy a ticket - leaving the money in the building society will only pay 1%. It is safe but in real terms, your "investment" is losing money. If we don't sign him, a competitor will, and if Owen scores the goals that fire that rival to glory, how sick will we feel?

Tristan or Owen? Given we have Cole and Ashton, I know who I would rather have. Di Michele or Owen? Four goals and a court appearance reportedly booked for October 4 tells me who my money would be on. Owen or Sears? Come on, you cannot be searsious! (Sorry, couldn't resist that pun!) Owen or a Nani spot? Now there is the rub!

So is the rejection of the Owen idea confidence or cowardice? I understand the arguments against but most have sounded a cautionary note rather than reflected the bullish confidence we need if we are to push on to the next level. The team is good but we need a catalyst, a player who would make a statement, a player that makes others sit up and think, "Bloody hell, West Ham, who would have thought it." Savio may be that man next season, that was supposed to be the effect when we bought him. Owen is not the Bellyache that one poster compared him to, Owen is class.

How far have we come and how far do we really want to go? I would buy the lottery ticket personally and if it doesn't win, screw it up and think, well at least I was in the draw. And the bonus ball? Number 10!

Bye Bye Klan

You see how easy it is? I can select show comments whenever I want. Before I do so, I can delete any I don't want. Fools!

To all others, feel free to leave your comments, I will select show after I have removed the morons. Normal service will return soon!

Klan, this is a Blog, not a Forum.

Football Gag for West Ham, Newcastle, Tottenham and Arsenal Fans

David Blaine introduces a new routine into his act, claiming that blindfolded, he can identify any football club just by running his hands over a ball used on their training ground. Managers from a number of clubs are asked to appear on his show.

The first up is 'Arry Redknapp. In return for a brown envelope passed under the table by a middle man, 'Arry 'ands the blindfolded Blaine the ball. Blaine's hands pass over the ball for a few minutes and he says, "I can hear cockerals crowing inanely at dawn screaming 'One day we will be a top 4 team'. I can feel a cock cut off in its prime. I can feel money washing down the drain. I can hear the sound of loose bowels as the tension mounts. This ball must belong to Tottenham." 'Arry's head twitches in amazement and the audience explodes in applause.

Next up is the smiling Zola. Blaine is passed the ball and after a few minutes says, "I can hear the Bow Bells. I can hear the words, 'They think it is all over. It is now.' I can feel quality, entertainment, brilliant young talent. I can feel the agony of cruel injuries but I sense hope for a wonderful future. I can hear the sound of hammering on a castle door. This ball must belong to West Ham!"

Next up comes Wenger. "This ball isn't English," says Blaine after a couple of minutes of fondling. "I can hear cannons firing but missing their targets. I can hear moaning, complaining. I can see a blind man unable to see anything that goes against his side out on the pitch. This ball belongs to Arsenal."

Last up is Shearer. He hands the ball to Blaine who immediately complains, "This is too easy. This ball belongs to Newcastle, it is going down!"

Newcastle's Poor Joey Can't Explain It!

Poor old Joey Barton apparently is at a complete loss as to why he made that tackle. Here's a clue Joey, you are a disgusting thug from a hideous family that has spawned a sibling who murdered a guy because of the colour of his skin. Now, with genes like yours, you have the perfect excuse for everything you do. "It's not my fault is it?" you can whine, "I get it from my parents".

Born of scum, grow up as scum - I suppose it is some kind of excuse for the player. But what excuse can King Kev give for not wanting to sell him when the Newcastle Board clearly wanted to get rid, and what excuse can King Al offer for giving him yet another chance? And come to that, what excuse can Curbishley offer for twice trying to sign him for West Ham? Imagine it, Dyer, Bowyer, Neill, Bellyache and Barton all in the same dressing room! As I said at the time, we would have had to change our name to Fight Club!

Of course, Barton will get another chance. Some club or other will put morality in the deep freezer and pick him up on a free or for a nominal price. Sod anybody from an ethnic minority in the team or amongst the fan base, Barton will represent "good business and a bargain" for somebody. What is that slogan? Kick racism out of football? How about a slight change, how about Kick Barton out of football?

Still, according to his shrink, Barton doesn't need anybody else to punish him, the poor lad is punishing himself. Well, he's beaten everybody else up I suppose, so why not beat himself up now?

Owen and West Ham - the perfect fit!

As Newcastle sink deeper and deeper beneath the Plimsoll Line, the future of Owen becomes more and more of an issue. The decision to leave him out of the side at Liverpool almost certainly signaled the end of his days at the Barcodes and with him free to move on a Bosman, he could be just what we are looking for!

Now I know we have enough ex Geordie sick-notes already so any deal we offered Owen would have to be on a pay when you play basis. I am sure a deal could be constructed that frees Michael to up and leave when he wants, allows us to terminate the contract if he doesn't shape up but pays him top dollar when he performs to the best of his ability.

Now, let's look at it from Owen's point of view first. He is desperate to get into the England squad for the World Cup - and to do that he needs to be playing regularly in the Premiership. The top 4 don't want him, except perhaps as an impact sub, and that doesn't suit Owen's needs at all. If not the top 4, then what options are available to him? The field suddenly narrows to a handful of clubs. Tottenham? Owen would probably be behind Keane and Defoe in the pecking order, and those two will be competing with each other for one place once 'Arry has signed the big man up front he is looking for. Villa are a possibility, as are Everton, and that would enable Michael to stay closer to home, but I'm not sure the Moyes or O'Neill management styles would suit Owen. He is not into running 1000 miles every game and wants a manager who will be sympathetic to his skills and what he can offer, a manager who understands how a forward thinks, a manager like...Zola.

From our point of view, we do not want another crock draining our financial resources, but a pay as you play contract would be ideal. Imagine Owen playing on the shoulder of Ashton or Cole. The recent barren spell apart, Owen still scores at a ratio of close to one goal every two games. That is the vital ingredient we have been missing. Stick in 16 goals from Owen over the course of a season and we will be banging on the door of the big boys.

We don't know what we have available to spend this summer but, unless a billionaire steps in, we are unlikely to be talking major dosh. Owen is available on a free. I would back Zola to reignite his career if we can get him fit. If unfit, he wouldn't cost us anything anyway if the contract was worded properly. Owen scores every time he plays at Upton Park, isn't it about time he was putting the ball in the net for the home team and not the opposition?

And one final thought - the last time England won the World Cup, a West Ham number 10 scored a hat-trick in the final. Now there's a thought Michael!

Newcastle Have Given Up!

I admit I haven't seen the game, but I listened to the radio commentary and it sounded truly dire. Listening to Alan Green, Newcastle barely turned up, never mind competed. The difference in class sounded truly frightening.

I have already blogged in a mocking tone and, to be honest, I was surprised by the paucity of responses given it featured on the News Now page for the Barcodes. Had I written a similar article on Tottenham or Liverpool, I would have been inundated with responses, albeit most would consist simply of obscenities and Pikey taunts. Geordies are normally passionate about their football but it is beginning to seem that all the fight has been kicked out of them. The owner has been clever of course, he has given the fans what they wanted by appointing Big Al, so how can they complain? I mean, when the Messiah returns, it signals the Apocalypse doesn't it, so is relegation really a surprise?

Looking in on News Now, there is actually an article entitled "Newcastle Don't Deserve to Survive" and the author hasn't been crucified by his fellow Toons. There is a spooky resignation, an acceptance that relegation is not only inevitable but deserved.

Now Newcastle going down unquestionably suits West Ham, it is hard to imagine Hull or Miserableborough posing any sort of threat next season, but even with Shearer in charge and a bet riding on it, I can't say I really want it to happen. I hate Leeds but I don't want them in the old Third Division. I loath Roeder, but I didn't want Norwich to go down this season. As rubbish as Newcastle are and as much as I detest Shearer and this whole Geordie Messiah crap, I don't want the Newcastle fans to suffer the indignity of relegation. Why? In part because I have a sense of tradition. Newcastle belong in the top division. But I also have very fond memories of our 8-1 victory over the Geordies and of hearing the Toon Army chanting "We want ten!" in a wonderfully self deprecating way. Fans like that deserve a break!

Miserableborough come to Upton Park on the last day of the season. It may well be that Newcastle's destiny will lie in our hands. Cole should be back, so should a fully tuned Collison, ready to start. All is not lost - yet. But a defeat in the North East derby could put the Geordies beyond even Zola's salvation!

Shearer's Newcastle Sinking In Perfect Storm

So another Newscastle Messiah is already up to his chin in toxic water after discovering that he can't walk on the Tyne after all. What a shame, it couldn't happen to a nicer, more self effacing guy than Alan Shearer! At least King Kev had a certain twatish charm about him. It was always obvious that the guy was a berk but at least he seemed to understand that himself. Shearer is a different kettle of fish entirely - he seems an arrogant son of a Bull Shark who looks after Number 9 at every turn.

Today summed it all up perfectly. Going to Liverpool, with zero prospect of winning anyway, King Al decided to leave Owen out of the team. Never mind sentimentality, Shearer was intent on showing that he was the big hard man who could make the big hard decisions. It's not aboot being nice, it's aboot being right. I haven't heard or read any interviews but I bet that's the jist of it. That and the usual, Michael is a professional and he understands and respects my decisions. Bollocks! I'll tell you what, that decision may just have sealed Newscastle's fate, not because of what happened at Anfield today but because Owen will not now care what happens to the Barcodes. He is off in the summer now, no question, and if Newscastle are to stay up, they need Owen scoring.

Meanwhile, Barton shoved another Big Alan decision squarely up his rectum when he got his marching orders. I well remember Shearer laying into Barton on MOTD, describing the guy as an insult to the game, so what is he doing picking the thug? Talk about hypocrisy! Well Barton duely delivered Shearer his just deserts and will now, presumably, be suspended from at least one of those "must win" home games! Brilliant!

Newscastle may yet stay up but only because Hull are so hopeless. My fingers are crossed, however, that a trawler out of the fishing port will land a major catch in its nets at the end of the season - dragging a washed out Shearer and and a washed up Dowie out of the North Sea after the Perfect Newscastle Storm!

And to think, West Ham were supposed to be the club in crisis!

West Ham four inexpensive signings away from challenging Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Man United for the title! Tottenham? You're having a laugh!

West Ham have something, that Chelsea, Tottenham, Liverpool, Arsenal and Manchester United don’t have! Zola To Be or Not to Be…

Well the media did their usual bit of muck throwing and stirring, saying that Zola and Clarke were off to Chelsea – surprise surprise – they didn’t join the glory hunters, bandwagon merchants, call them what you will.

Not since John Lyall, or perhaps Billy Bonds, have West Ham had a manager that displays such integrity for the West Ham cause, with the view to seeing it through to completion. It looks like West Ham are back to the golden days of having the same manager for a number of years, which can only be a good thing. That’s not to say that if Zola and Clarke become frustrated with the club’s lack of ambition or funding that they won’t walk earlier than the four year contracts they hold in their pockets and if that happens, more fool the club!

Zola must have been attracted to the club by the chance to manage a Premiership club without the necessary qualifications or experience; Clarke, meanwhile, was foolishly sidelined by Scolari and wants to manage some day. And let’s be honest, working with Chelsea is not exactly a normal environment to ply your trade - where a manager can just add to the half billion pound team by buying another few very expensive players to get them out of a rut. Most managers don’t have that luxury (or anomaly), and the great managers didn’t have a lot of cash yet some still had phenomenal success – Brian Clough brought small clubs like Derby and Nottingham Forest through to league titles and European cup wins a number of times on a supermarket budget, (and the same could be argued for Aston Villa). Zola and Clarke, with Nani's help will pick up quality players at affordable prices; whilst Bentitez and Redknapp blow multi-millions to tinker and make no real difference to their teams.

Zola has already shown disdain in the media for the ‘big four’ that refuse to bring young talent through, instead merely spending lots of money on players. These clubs allegedly also poach young talent from, for example, Italian sides that can’t contract young players until they are 18, by which time the guys from the ‘big four’ have greased their palms, and those of their parents, auntie and uncles and PE teachers whilst they are at it! These are the kind of guys that buy the kid’s family speed boats, even if they live 800 miles from the coast and are partially blind and suffer from epileptic fits.

So what does the future hold for going the pure football manager’s way through the league? West ham have a good defensive unit, although Robert Green’s shot save ratio is poorer than a number of EPL keepers; some cover for left and right back would definitely help the cause. The midfield have held their own against all the teams in the league and often come out on top, with the exception of the Arsenal game at the Emirates, where they couldn’t impose themselves on a stubborn and talented midfield. Up front is the main aspect where West Ham seem to be struggling. If Ashton and Cole were joined by two 15 (premier league) goal a season strikers – it could be argued that the team are destined for the top, and on a relative shoe string budget compared to the likes of Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham, Arsenal and Man U. So is the statement that West Ham are destined for big things wishful thinking or a reality?

Hotshot C

Stoke 0 West Ham 1 - A Thoroughly Professional Job Well Done

We are making a habit of this, rolling up our sleeves, standing tall and grinding out results away from Upton Park. Yet again we couldn't manage more than one goal, yet again we couldn't score from open play, but yet again, you have to marvel at the determination and resilience of the team, and smile at the quality of some of the passing.

To begin, what a goal! I take it all back, give Diego Tristan a contract, who needs to run when you can strike a ball as cleanly as that? Anybody remember a better free kick from a West Ham player? Solano hit a beauty; against Derby wasn't it? And Dicks and Stewart could smash a dead ball into the back of the net, but Tristan's finish exuded class. A fantastic finish which made you wish we had signed this guy five years ago!

The other real successes were Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga and Kovac. How many throw-ins did Stoke win? Surely they were going to score from one as Delap hurled in the mortars and the cavalry charged. But the back line held firm, time and again clearing the ball as if they hadn't heard that this was Stoke's "secret weapon". Here it comes again lads, head it clear! Clarke must have been drilling them all week! True, we needed a great block by Stanislas and a clearance off the line from Noble, but the Law of Averages dictated that a Stoke player would get his head on the ball eventually. In the circumstances, Stoke had surprisingly few chances, even with Green looking a little twitchy at times (although how brave was he when he went down at the foot of Fuller?).

If I wanted to be critical, I would point to the number of times we needlessly conceded throw-ins, as if, literally, we had not heard of Stoke's long throw tactic, but I suppose Stoke play for them as a form of second phase ball. Some of the triangular passes we played, on the other hand, were an absolute joy to behold and, on occasions, it was like the Liverpool team of the 80s playing in their pomp - to me, to you, to him, back to me, to him, to me, to you, back to him. Sadly we didn't pass our way into the box too often but you can't have everything, particularly with so many first choice players unavailable.

No Dyer today? What happened to him? Injured getting off the bus perhaps?

Some might say, "It was only Stoke" but they would be wrong. Stoke have only lost 4 times at home this season, having turned the Britannia into something of a fortress. Our performance today was highly professional and very un West Ham like. We traditionally roll over and die in games like these so the victory, the performance and the clean sheet mark still further progress. Well done to the boys and to Matty Etherington for having money on a Stoke victory! You lose some and you lose some more Matty!

Ratings: Green 6; Neill 9 (I thought he was immense today!); Tomkins 8; Upson 7 (Yes I thought Tomkins outshone his more senior partner today); Ilunga 7; Boa 6; Noble 7; Kovac 8, Stanislas 6; Di Mihele 7, Tristan 7.

One Minute To Sum Up Boa!

Only Luis! First he dives in recklessly and concedes a free kick five yards outside our box in a central position. He picks up the customary yellow card. Then the free kick is charged down and Boa shows amazing bravery to head the ball off the toe of the boot of a Stoke player. Now he's away, galloping across the turf like a pregnant rhino. The pass is on, all he has to do is draw the defender, then slip the pass. But Boa has his head down, charging in search of a stray Land Rover to head butt! He can see the penalty box now, nothing else registers, he charges inside, ignoring team mates, then realises he is running out of space - the pitch isn't as long as he thought it was. He stops, screens the ball, shimmies...then passes it behind for a Stoke goal kick! Classic! Vintage! Only Luis Boa-Morte!

Thanks for the Mattyemories

I hope the guy has a mare tomorrow but I would like to take this opportunity to thank Etherington for his efforts whilst at the club. I know he had his problems, with many of them centred on a gambling addiction, but most of my memories of Matty are fond ones.

In total, Etherington started 177 games for us, coming on another 18 times as a substitute. I think we always knew that he was just that little bit short of true Premiership class, lacking that half a yard of pace to discomfort the best right backs, but I, for one, was desperate for him to succeed, if only to prove Tottenham wrong. Had we won that Cup Final, with Sherringham, Etherington, Konchesky and Zamora playing a part, we could have rammed those feeder team taunts well and truly down the Cockyfools' throats.

We will all have different memories of Etherington but his greatest single moment was unquestionably when he crashed home that beauty against Ipswich in that play off semifinal. Of course, Matty managed two in the two semifinals against Ipswich, proving his ability to deliver in pressure games. And remember, Ashton's goal in The Final followed an Etherington shot which Reinna spilled.

His best performance? For me, it was in the 3-0 victory away to Reading, when he bagged two goals. Coppell referred to our counter attacking as "breathtaking" after the game, and Etherington was the hub of that performance. And for a while, after the arrival of Zola, it looked as if Matty was going to be a key player in the new era but sadly, after flattering to deceive, Etherington slipped out of the manager's plans.

During Pardew's glorious first season in the Prem, Etherington looked the dog's danglers but sadly, like others, he suffered from second season syndrome once opposing defenders got his measure. He remains a good squad player and he would have been very useful following the injury to Collison. Etherington or Boa-Morte? No contest in my opinion, I would have Matty every time!

I wish Matty well but I hope he has his money on a Stoke victory tomorrow - that, more than anything else, would guarantee us the three points!

Parker is Groin Groin Gone

Well we pay him enough to drive a pink Rolls Royce but I'm not sure he would be a West Ham player now had we had a real Brains in the set up. Is Parker a Thunderbird who should go, or rather, should he have gone back in the January transfer window?

Parker is a class Premiership player when he makes it onto the pitch, no argument about that, but then so is Bellyache. Not many dissented when we took the money from City for Period Pains however - everybody knew that he was overpriced at £14m and most understood that the guy is damaged goods, mentally and physically. And look what has happened. A handful of games, two goals, and, surprise, surprise, he has pulled up lame and is out for the season. I bet Bellamy is moved on next January, surplus to City's requirements, and I bet he goes for less than half what City paid for him.

What's true of the Welsh Gripe is also true of Aloysius "Nosey" "Scotty" Parker. Like Bellamy, Parker is just that little bit short of class. He is a very good Premiership player but he is not an International midfielder. Eriksson took a look and didn't fancy what he saw (and he isn't choosy is he?), McClaren flirted but didn't make a long term proposal and Capello has looked him up and down and said a resounding no. As good as he is, Parker presents a problem for the team because he doesn't score enough goals (only 2 in 50 games for us). That puts a huge onus on others and some feel that Parker is the reason why Noble's career has stalled. The thought is that Noble cannot play alongside Parker in the same way that Lampard can't play with Gerrard. So Noble has had to change his game to accommodate the senior colleague and, as a result, he has lost confidence.

But it is not Parker's ability that is in question - he is worth his place in any Premiership team outside of the top 5 or 6 - what is at issue is his fitness record. It now seems likely that we will not see him again this season. That means he will have mustered a grand total of just 45 appearances in two full Premiership seasons. That also means he has missed almost 50% of the games played. And what's more, he has been substituted in 15 of those 45 appearances, so, in fact, he has only completed 90 minutes in 30 games spread over two full seasons. That is 33% of the games only. To be frank, that is shocking and moves Parker into the liability category.

Sadly, some players are injury prone. I don't know why, I am sure there are medical explanations. Maybe injuries cause injuries as the structure of the whole is undermined by each knock, each chip, each crack. Parker, like Bellyache, seems to be damaged goods. Good player, undoubtedly, but if City came again and offered £12million, I would take it. If only to give Bellyache some company in the City treatment room next season!