Blackpool In Tangerine Dream Land

Congratulations to Blackpool! What an achievement, starting the season as one of the favourites to be relegated from the Championship and ending it by winning promotion to Tangerine Dream Land.

Of course, Blackpool in the top division brings back unhappy memories for West Ham fans. Back on the second of January 1971, West Ham led by Bobby Moore and featuring Jimmy Greaves, Clyde Best, Frank Lampard Senior and Billy Bonds, contrived to lose a Third round F.A. Cup tie 4-0 at bottom of the table Blackpool. The defeat was bad enough, but then it came out that Moore had been out on the booze with 3 team mates the night before the game. The Daily Mail led the press in exposing what, in those days, was a major scandal, and Moore was suspended by the club. It was a sea change moment in his relationship with Greenwood and Moore's eventual exit from the club was sealed as a result. Unlike Bobby Charlton at Old Trafford, Moore would never become an elder statesman and footballing ambassador for the club. Sadly, in 1975, Bobby was wearing a Fulham shirt when we won the F.A. Cup.

The West Ham team in full that miserable day in Blackpool read: Ferguson, Bonds, Lampard, Eustace, Taylor, Moore, Ayris, Lindsay, Best, Howe and Dear. Older fans will have no problems remembering any of that lot, with the possible exception of Lindsay and Howe, two "squad" players who never really cut it as First Division players. Howe made 73 starts for the club spread over six seasons before moving to Bournemouth, whilst Lindsay managed just 42 starts over 3 seasons before being shipped out to Watford. Wonder where they are now?

70-71 was a miserable season, much like 2009-10. We narrowly avoided relegation, finishing third from bottom on 34 points. But in those days, of course, you only got 2 points for a win so that points total is massive compared with Zola's team. We did, however, play 42 games! Our home record was miserable - no fortress Upton Park that season because we only won six at home - but we did chalk up 4 away wins. By coincidence, Burnley went down that season too!

How things have changed since then! The 22 top division clubs included Huddersfield, Crystal Palace, Leeds, Nottingham Forest, Blackpool, Ipswich, Coventry, Derby and Southampton. Man Utd finished 8th and Wolves 4th!

Poor Blackpool now face an impossible task. I would like to wish them well but, until our squad is revamped, we have to find three teams to finish below us - and Blackpool must be a banker bet! They finished bottom in 1971 on 23 points and I would be amazed if they equal that total this time around, even with 3 points for a win!

Enjoy the dream guys, but don't expect it to last!

Blackpool In The Top Flight?

Bobby Moore will raise a glass or four to that! Who wants to pay homage to Bobby by joining me on a pub crawl around Blackpool on the night before our game up there?

Sullivan Admits To Henry Publicity Stunt

With journalists falling over themselves to break the story that we are in for Henry, Sullivan has burst the bubble before is has properly left the plastic blowy thing (what ever they are called!). After initially telling the World that we were after Mr Va Va Va Va Va Vahoo Vahoo Vahoo Vahoo (Anybody got any jump leads?) Vahooooommmm, Sullivan has now admitted that "Yes, of course it is very unlikely that we will get him - but we can only try!"

So, when this is all proved to be so much Red Bull, expect an announcement that we are also hoping to sign Messi ...then Ronaldo, Fabregas, Tevez and Rooney; followed a little later by a confession that, "Yes, of course it is very unlikely that we will get him - but we can only try!"

Keep trying Sulli. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that Mido might yet start the season in Claret and Blue?

West Ham's Claret and Blue Dad's Army

With news that we are apparently trying to sign the 32 year old Henry and the 39 year old David James and may yet offer a contract extension to the 33 year old Boa-Morte, I hope Sullivan has made a planning application for an extension to our treatment room - a geriatric ward!

With the smiling Zola replaced by the lugubrious Grant, it seems S&G are intent on going from one extreme to the other. You win nothing with kids, Hansen once famously said before Giggs, Beckham and co swept to the title; well you win absolutely nothing with a team on zimmer frames! The Academy of Football? Under Sullivan & Gold, we won't have a Nursery team but a Nursing Home team if we're not careful!

West Ham Line Up Henry

So the silly season is well and truly upon us. I look in on News Now and find stories linking us with former Arsenal great Thierry Henry. Apparently we are prepared to pay him £75k a week, despite the £30,000 wage cap I thought S&G were looking to impose. Henry is also supposedly keen on the deal too. Well, £75k per week is a good pension plan isn't it?

Any truth in it? I doubt it. A deal taking Fabragas to Barcelona, with Henry loaned back to Arsenal, with his salary met by Barcelona for a year, seems much more likely to me. Should we actually buy Henry, I'd expect us to buy Thomas, Edward, Gordon, Toby, James and Percy too so Sullivan has the full set. Well, it might be one way of keeping him amused!

Fletcher Fancies Doing Porridge At The Boleyn

Unless Tribal Football are now recycling my stories as their own - and they recycle everybody else's so I wouldn't be surprised - it seems that Fletcher may be a West Ham target just as I predicted. The suggestion that the Scot fancies joining us is, in my opinion, very promising. If we can capture him for £5m or £6m and sell Cole for £15m, I reckon that would represent very good business indeed. Fletcher netted 12 times for a very ordinary Burnley last season and is only 23, so has time to improve.

If we bag Fletch, any chance of locating a Godber, an Ives and a Luke Warm? Zola was our Mr Barrowclough but Clarke remains, the epitome of Mr Mackay! As for Sullivan, well he is Genial Harry Grout to an absolute T!

Grant On His Way

Following his resignation as manager of Pompey, it is now nailed on that Avram will be unveiled as the new West Ham manager, probably sometime on Friday. I have already blogged my support for his appointment but I recognise that I greeted Zola with open arms; and look how that turned out!

Avram is not Jose. Avram is not even 'Arry. But Avram is probably what we now need, a steady pair of hands who seems to have the ability to organise and motivate a team to perform to their capabilities. Regular contributor, Stani, and others, will point to Grant's dreadful win ration in the Prem last season, but I have admiration for his ability to keep a team focused, despite the players not being paid on time, the club going into Administration and a clutch of mad contracts that prevented him from picking his teams based on ability and form. To get a team to a Cup Final, given all that was going on, was something of a miracle. And who knows what might have happened had Boateng buried that penalty?

He isn't exciting, he isn't a genius and he sure as hell isn't an oil painting. But Avram is the opposite of Zola - experienced in management and tactically proficient. He may fail, but he is much more likely to succeed than Zola. Champions League football in 5 years? No chance. But keeping our heads above water in the Prem and enjoying the odd lengthy cup run? Very possibly.

In Avram we trust? Let's hope so!

£8.5m For Behrami; Deal Or No Deal?

After saying "No thank you Mr Banker" to an £8m to £10m offer for Carlton Cole, should Sullivan and Gold take the money supposedly on offer for Behrami, or should they play on, hoping for a higher offer?

To my mind, that represents a very good offer for a very average huff and puff merchant. In his first season, Behrami won lots of admirers amongst our fan base, who revealed their East End roots by echoing that old mantra, "Never mind the quality, feel the width". What an engine they purred. Covers every blade of grass on the pitch they argued. Heart of a lion they opined. True, true and true again. But the lawnmower used by the groundsman has an engine, covers every blade of grass and is as about as creative in the final third as our so called Swiss David Beckham. How many goals has Behrami scored? How many goals has he created? Not many! When I had the audacity to call him an Average Joe before Christmas in his first season, I was met with howls of derision. Now, many more accept that he is not "all that".

Like some, I suspect Behrami will look better in a better team. He does have a great engine and his enthusiasm is impressive. Played alongside genuine creative talents, he will serve a purpose; but in Zola's team he just ran around a lot. It's not as if his defensive expertise compensated for his ineptitude in the final third; we conceded 66 goals for pity's sake!

£8.5m? I would take it, depending on the exchange rate of course!

Upson Injury Scare

Following a nasty clash of heads with an England team mate during training, there were fears that West Ham captain Matty Upson may have suffered a brain injury. After being told to lay still for a second, a number of on pitch tests were conducted to assess the extent of any damage to Upson's cerebral cortex. Happily, the all clear was given after Scott Parker confirmed that the chances of an injury were highly unlikely because, on the basis of Upson's defensive performances last season, the guy is totally brainless anyway!

Avram Grant Explains Ambition To Take West Ham Throne

Grant overheard yesterday:

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by these son’s of porn;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visaged war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front;
And now, instead of mounting barded steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deformed, unfinish'd, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to spy my shadow in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity:
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a manager.

Sullivan And Gold - All The Signs Are Good!

I know there is a lot of concern about the guys now running our club, and I will certainly be maintaining a healthy suspicion of everything they do and say, but, for the time being, all the signs are goods.

Firstly, they handled the situation with Zola perfectly. I was all for jettisoning him after the Wolves game, and I suspect Sullivan was doing his best to make him jump ship, but Gold held his nerve and backed the players to get us out of trouble, regardless of the incompetence of the manager. With Behrami, Cole, Parker, Upson and Green all apparently wanted by clubs in the top half of the Prem, it was unthinkable that we could finish below Portsmouth, Hull and Burnley - irrespective of Zola's inept tactics and inability to ignite a fire in his players' bellies. It was a close shave in the end, but the best poker players win the pot with dodgy hands, and Gold played our dodgy hand perfectly.

Once we had survived, there was no messing. Zola had to go so Zola went. We will probably have to pay him compensation but if the contract stipulates a maximum of £1.9m then that has to be the deal of the century to rid the club of Zola's naive "leadership". Interestingly, Clarke is still at the club and providing he is not going to sulk his way through the remainder of his contract, this has to be good news, especially if Grant comes in above him. I blogged that Zola and Clarke had fallen out over tactics and Clarke's decision not to walk suggests I may have been right.

Meanwhile, I approve of the appointment of Grant, if it happens. Mark my words, if it isn't Grant, then it won't be any of Wurzel Gummage, Big Spam or Dave Jones. The "dark horse" is Curbishley. I'm still suspicious about the way he dropped off Hull's radar so suddenly: one minute he was nailed on to step in as caretaker manager until the end of the season, and the next there were denials all round. There's no way that Hull were PLANNING to appoint Dowie when Brown was sent on gardening leave - that was a last minute panic measure. I still suspect, as I blogged at the time, that Sullivan contacted Turds asking him what the Fcuk he was up to, given the plan for him to take Zola's job in the summer. Maybe Sullivan and Gold thought better of appointing Curbishley as a result, but if I was looking to make a clever bet on the next manager of our club, it would be on Curbishley. Would that be a bad move? I detest the guy and his brand of football but at least, unlike Zola, he knows how to organise a team to frustrate the opposition. I would not renew my mini season ticket, watching paint dry is cheaper, but if survival in the Prem is all that matters, then Sullivan and Gold could do worse. Mind you, they might as well appoint Allardyce - except Blackburn would seek compensation!

Most reassuring is the report that we turned down a £10m bid for Carlton Cole from Birmingham. I expect Cole to be sold, but I like the suggestion that he is carrying a £15m price tag. If Unreal City buy Milner for £24m (as rumoured), O'Neill will have money sloshing around and he needs a replacement for Heskey. Liverpool also fancy Cole apparently and, more improbably, Arsenal have been linked. When the merry go round starts, Sunderland may also come into the equation if Jones is sold. I reckon we will pocket £12m - £15m for Cole and that would be great business. Buy Fletcher and Eagles for a combined £9m from Burnley and we would have two players for the price of one and cash in the bank.

The plan to move on Green also makes good sense. I've always said that Green is not all that and if we can get £6m for him, great. Sign a young keeper and David James on a free and again we would have two players for the price of one, plus money to invest elsewhere.

If Grant is appointed, in addition to James, I'd expect him to bring Boateng with him, and again that makes good sense. Sell Behrami for anything over £7m and replace him with Boateng and, once more, we end up quids in, without weakening the squad in my opinion. With Parker's stock high, I expect him to go too, especially if the rumours about Fabregas are true. Should Arsenal, Villa, Liverpool and Tottenham get in to a bidding war for Parker, I can see S&G wilting under the pressure of an offer of between £12m and £15m. Parker did the job of two players last season but with £15m, we could buy three. And we could cover the wages of three too, given the massive salary Parker enjoys.

I fancy we could start next season with a very different team, but with a team much better equipped to succeed in the Prem. For the time being, I'm backing S&G because I like what I see!

S&G's 10 Point Plan

Just logged on to find that Sullivan and Gold have announced a 10 Point Plan. Dear God, the bar has been set low for the new manager! If the target is only 10 points, they could have stuck with Zola!

I'll get my coat!

Germany's World Cup Bid Kicked In the Ballacks!

Oh dear, what a shame! That thoroughly lovable guy Michael Ballack has been cruelly ruled out of the World Cup courtesy of that shocking Boateng tackle on Saturday. And Boateng is German too isn't he? Wunderbar!

Ballack is already being described as irreplacable in the German press! They were an outside bet for the World Cup anyway but I reckon this kick in the Ballacks has knocked them out of the running altogether. Torres may yet struggle and Fabregas is already out so Spain will not be at full strength either.

If we can keep Rooney fit, we have a real chance!

Wurzel Gummage? Big Spam? Come off it!

Do we really believe Holloway will soon be breezing through the doors of the Boleyn calling Karren Brady "Aunt Sally"? Can you imagine the reaction of our multi national band of bastards to the West Country scarecrow? As a comedy turn, he could fill a slot at the Christmas Party, but as a manager of West Ham? "Oyie don't know about laaaattttt." Speaking as a Cockney raised in Yeovil in Zumerzet, the idea that somebody speaking as Holloway speaks could manage West Ham is, well, laughable. Turds had a brown Volvo, Holloway would drive down Green Street in a brand new combine 'arvester. On the short list? Only to give the appearance of a list!

And Big Spam, in charge of southern softies West Ham? I can see a certain logic but are Sullivan and Gold so thick skinned that they would opt for Mr Brute Force to join the dynasty of Greenwood and Lyall? I know Zola was a disaster, but surely the Davids would not make such a radical break with the traditions of the club. Imagine the brief given to Tony Carr: "I don't care what he can do with a ball, is he six foot four, built like a brick outhouse and has he got an ASBO? If not, forget it." Bugger the Academy of Football, with Allardyce in charge, we would become the Borstal of Football!

Dave Jones? At the Academy of Football? Unfair I know but some people insist there is no smoke without fire. And leaving that aside, and it should be left aside because the allegations were judged unfounded, the guy does not have the necessary experience in the top division does he? Half a season in charge of Southampton and one full season in the Prem with Wolves, which ended in relegation, don't look good on the CV do they? A very long shot I'd say.

Which, apparently brings us down to Avram. Unless, of course, this short list is a smoke screen. That brown Volvo may yet poodle its way down the Barking Road!

England World Rounders Champions!

Well it aint cricket as far as I'm concerned, but it's still pleasing to see an England team win something for a change, even if half the side were born in South Africa! Congratulations to Collingwood and the boys, it's great to put one over on the Aussies again.

Now, let's hope Capello's Lions can follow the lead. We lost at Fulham and the last time that happened was in 1966 of course. An omen perhaps?

Boateng, Petrov, who else?

The odds are that we will sign Boateng from Pompey and Petrov from Man City, and both would represent good business in my opinion, transforming an impotent midfield into a unit with the potential to create and score goals. Of course, there are reservations about both. Petrov's injury problems are well documented and Boateng is not the most stable in terms of temperament, but I would be happy to see both in our squad.

But who else can we expect to see arrive? Anybody available on a free seems to be linked with us and I only have to mention Tristan and Mido to highlight the dangers of a "mop up the slops" strategy. Jimenez and Lopez, meanwhile, show that loan deals are not usually the solution to a team's problems. True Di Michele, Ilan and Ilunga worked out slightly better but, to get quality, you have to invest hard cash.

Hopefully, we can exploit the needs of the big boys to strengthen their squads by squeezing good money for the sale of our dubious "blue chip assets". The stock of Upson, Green, Cole, Diamanti, Behrami and Ilunga must surely have dropped over the course of a terrible season, but with Arsenal, Liverpool, Man Utd, Unreal City and Villa all desperate to bolster their squads for next season, there could be a number of counter bids for our "top" players. The question then, is who we buy as replacements.

Well Chelsea and Man City will be moving on players in the summer and whilst the Joe Coles and Carlos Tevezes will sadly be out of our league, there might be two or three rejects we could be in with a chance of signing. The important thing is to have a team shape in mind and to sign players to service that shape, something Zola, Nani and Duxbury failed completely to do - leaving us with no first choice right back, no wide players with pace, no reserve left back and no alternatives up front.

It looks like being a summer of comings and goings. Fans will play Football Manager on the blogs, suggesting all sorts of fanciful signings, but we have to hope that the club's management team are more realistic. I will be happy if I can look at the squad in late July and think, yep, every position is reasonably well covered. That was not the case last July. In fact it was not the case at any point in the season!

I don't expect great things next season but we will have to be better equipped to stay up than we were this. Cardiff and Blackpool are playing a Play Off Final for the right to be relegated next May and I don't expect West Brom to survive either. Wolves, Newcastle and Wigan will all struggle too, and Fulham may come back to earth with a bump if Woy leaves, but the Premiership will be stronger next season overall, unless Man Utd, Man City, Arsenal and Liverpool are simply resigned to Chelsea domination.

Interesting times and we need a manager appointed quickly to ensure we are not left behind at the starting gate.

Bloated Benni McCarthy Told To Lose Weight

Poor old Benni McCarthy has been told to lose his spare tyre. According to reports on the net, Sullivan and Gold are furious that the South African's Body Mass Index figure puts him officially in the Fat Bastard category, with the arrow hovering close to the Mr Blobby sector.

Insiders at the club are wondering why McCarthy's weight increased exponentially after signing for the Hammers. Maybe it was down to McCarthy sitting on his fat arse game after game or maybe he enjoyed too many kebabs with fellow fatty Mido. When we signed the pair, many thought West Ham had done clever business; now, it appears, the deals only represented great value on a "pound for pound" basis: never has so much flesh been bought for so little it seems!

There are threats of massive fines if McCarthy breaks the scales on his return at the end of his working summer. But is it Benni's fault? The poor boy may just be "big boned". He may have reached that age where his body balloons irrespective of what he does.

Big Sam couldn't believe his luck when West Ham came in for Benni and now we know why - Allardyce wanted his fair share of the pies!

Kevin Mitchell Hammered

Another day, another defeat. It seems even our pugilists have had all the fight knocked out of them. I blame Zola. Apparently he told Mitchell to lead with the wrong hand!

It was obvious to me who would win when I heard the two guys interviewed. Katsidis is a bright, personable guy; Mitchell sounds like...well, he sounds like he was educated in Newham.

Welcome Avram To The Promised Ham

When Curbishley arrived he was in a brown Volvo, towing a caravan. Now, it's Avram rather than a caravan, and who will he have in tow? David James anybody, returning to the Upton Park fold? Well I bet, after that performance today, he starts ahead of Green in the World Cup, and Rob appears destined for pastures new anyway. We need somebody to play wide left so would Belhadj be worth a punt? Boateng had a mare today but he is on the radar apparently. Fancy any of the others?

After wandering for so long in the desert of Fratton Park, even Upton Park must appear like a Promised Land to the Avramlites. "Let my people go!" Avram will demand, and Pompey can't afford to say no at this stage. The Dindane deal has taken them to the very brink as it is, they can't run the risk of a whole plague of frogs!

I, for one, will welcome Avram with open arms. Quite what the gas chamber hissing anti Semites amongst our fan base will make of him, is another matter. What with the Jewish Gold in the Board Room and the Israeli Grant in the managerial hot seat, we will have more of the New Jerusalem about us than Tottenham! Time to rename parts of the ground perhaps? Ticket for the West Bank anybody? All get changed in the Gaza Strip? Never mind Canning Town, let's rename it Canaan Town. Oh and move over Katie Perry, make way for Jordan!

Not everybody will be happy about the appointment of Grant but there are a few massage parlours around Newham allegedly excited at the prospect! How does that song go? "He'll be running round Newham with his willy hanging out!"

Don't Touch O'Hara With A Bargepole!

Lots of fans have been drooling at the thought of signing O'Hara but, with the news today that he has a double stress fracture of his back, we should not touch him with a barge pole! I have never been convinced about him as a player anyway - I think he is more huff and puff than sublime skill - and with that sort of injury, we should definitely look elsewhere. To Danielle Lloyd perhaps!