Nightmares Do Happen

Any West Ham fan with a memory longer than a goldfish's will know that nightmares do happen. Yes, many clubs have bad dreams, but some clubs seem to corner the market in the darkest of dark matter. Need proof? Name me another side relegated from the Prem with 42 points in the bank!

So should any of us be surprised by Swansea securing a draw away to Manchester United hard on the heels of  Hull's point at Southampton and Burnley's victory at Crystal Palace? The sinister implications of those three results should be obvious to all: Swansea may be 7 points adrift but three wins from three games would take them to 41 points; Hull are just 5 points behind us and play relegated Sunderland at home next up; and Burnley are now above us in the table and have a superior goal difference.

But to compound the chances of cataclysmic misery, the results at Everton, Tottenham and Middlesbrough all conspired to thicken the storm clouds gathering over Stratford.

Courtesy of Chelsea's thumping 3-0 win, Everton go in to their next game, against Swansea no less, with nothing to play for and on the back of two deeply disappointing performances, including their inept showing at the London Stadium; would anybody now be surprised if Swansea turned them over?

Tottenham, meanwhile, stay on the heels of Chelsea and have to win on Friday; but by the time they play Hull on the last day of the season, their dream will almost certainly be over and they will probably be playing with second place guaranteed and possibly in the knowledge that defeat might send us down. How motivated will the Cockyfools be in that game one wonders?

And, misery upon misery, the failure of the Manchester clubs to win mean that Liverpool remain in the hunt for a Champions League place ensuring they will be at full strength and hungry when rocking up for our last home game of the season. Manchester United, meanwhile, have a nightmare run in and Jose is already threatening to play an Under 23 side for the away game at Palace, which should ensure Allardyce's mercenaries make it through to a minimum of 39 points and with a goal difference superior to ours.

But so what? Swansea are not going to win three out of three are they? And Hull aren't going to secure 6 points from 3 games surely? Take a look at the remaining fixtures and feel a noose tighten around the throat!

After Everton, Swansea play Sunderland away and West Brom at home. Everton are on holiday, Sunderland are down, and West Brom haven't shown up since their last minute equaliser at the London Stadium. Those games are winnable, very, very winnable. A great escape beckons!

And Hull? After Sunderland, they play Palace away and Tottenham at home. Whisper it quietly but two wins from those three - given Palace have no defence and Tottanham may have no motivation - are not impossible.

So we may well still need 3 points. Three points from where, exactly? Spurs may revert to type on Friday but it aint likely is it? You have to fancy them to score at least one and who, exactly, is going to net for us?

Liverpool at home? Again it is difficult to see us keeping a clean sheet and as vulnerable as Liverpool are at the back, you have to have a forward line to capitalise on that weakness.

And Burnley away? Would you stake your life on us securing a win there? It has all the makings of that game at Birmingham which saw us relegated with 42 points.

You reap what you sow, I'm afraid, and if all our nightmares come true, it is no more than the Davids and Bilic deserve. There has been a horrible complacency around the club since Christmas of 2015. The failure to recruit a quality specialist rightback in three transfer windows was criminal. The failure to sign a left back until Cresswell's injury was almost as bad. The decision to operate a centre half light until February was, at best, injudicious. And the overstocking of wide midfielders whilst failing to sign a half decent striker was utter madness. Tohre? Feghouli? Snodgrass? Ayew? Really?

Sorry I have to go. My daughter's head has just turned 360 degrees and she is puking up green bile as her body lifts off the bed and hovers in mid air. Does anybody know the number of a good exorcist?

The Adventures of Allardyce in Sunderland

Allardyce was beginning to get very tired of sitting in the shadow of his own ego outside the bank, and of having nothing to moan about: once or twice he had peeped into the book of tactics his replacement was writing, but it had no pictures of long balls in it, 'and what is the use of a book about passing,' thought Allardyce, 'without pictures of the route one ball?'

He was considering in his own mind (as well as he could, for thinking made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of beating Wenger again would be worth  the trouble of getting up and applying for a job, when suddenly a Red and White Striped Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by him.

There was nothing so VERY remarkable in that; nor did Allardyce think it so VERY much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, 'Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be relegated!' (when he thought it over afterwards, it occurred to him that he ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Rabbit actually TOOK A CHEQUE BOOK OUT OF ITS WAISTCOAT-POCKET, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Allardyce started to his feet, for it flashed across his mind that he had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a cheque book  to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, he ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole beside the Wear.

In another moment down went Allardyce after it, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again.

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Allardyce had not a moment to think about stopping himself before he found himself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, he tried to look down and make out what he was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then he looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with empty trophy cabinets; here and there he saw pictures of Montgomery and Porterfield  hung upon pegs. He took down a jar from one of the shelves as he passed; it was labelled 'Premiership Victories', but to his great disappointment it was empty: he did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as he fell past it.

'Well!' thought Allardyce to himself, 'after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all think me at West Ham! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of my own ego!' (Which was very likely to be true.)

Down, down, down. Would the fall NEVER come to an end! 'I wonder how many positions in the table I've fallen by this time?' he said aloud. 'I must be getting somewhere near the bottom of the league. Let me see: that would be nearly one hundred places down, I think—' (for, you see, Allardyce had learnt several things of this sort in his lessons in the hard school of knocks  and though this was not a VERY good opportunity for showing off his knowledge, as there was no one to listen to him, still it was good practice to say it over) '—yes, that's about the right distance—but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?' (Allardyce had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but thought they were nice grand words to say, like total football, the false number nine and free flowing football.)

Presently he began again. 'I wonder if I shall fall right THROUGH the league! How funny it'll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think—' (he was rather glad there WAS no one listening, this time, as it didn't sound at all the right word) '—but I shall have to ask them what the name of the division is, you know. Please, Ma'am, is this the Blue Square Prem or the National League?' (and he tried to preen himself as he spoke—fancy preening yourself as you're falling through the divisions! Do you think you could manage it?) 'And what an ignorant big Sam they'll think me for asking! No, it'll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.'

Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Allardyce soon began talking again. 'Sullivan'll miss me very much to-night, I should think! I hope they'll remember his bottle of champagne at tea-time. Sullivan my dear! I wish you were down here with me! There are no Payets in the air, I'm afraid, but you might catch a Nolan, and that's very like a Payet, you know. But do Premiership clubs want a Nolan, I wonder?' And here Allardyce began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to himself, in a dreamy sort of way, 'Do Premiership clubs want a Nolan? Do Premiership clubs want a Nolan?' and sometimes, 'Does Nolan want a Premiership club?' for, you see, as he couldn't answer either question, it didn't much matter which way he put it. He felt that he was dozing off, and had just begun to dream that he was walking hand in hand with Nolan, and saying to him very earnestly, 'Now, Kevin, tell me the truth: did you ever play a pass over five yards?' when suddenly, thump! thump! down he came upon a heap of dirty kit and boots, and the fall was over.

Allardyce was not a bit hurt, and he jumped up on to his feet in a moment: he looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before him was another long passage, and the Red & White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Allardyce like the wind, and was just in time to hear it say, as it turned a corner, 'Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!' He was close behind it when he turned the corner, but the Rabbit was no longer to be seen: he found himself in a long, low hall, which was lit up by a row of miner’s lamps hanging from the roof. There were doors all-round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Allardyce had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, he walked sadly down the middle, wondering how he was ever to get out again.

Suddenly he came upon a little three-legged table, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Allardyce’s first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, he came upon a low curtain he had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: he tried the little golden key in the lock, and to his great delight it fitted!

Allardyce opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: he knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest stadium you ever saw. How he longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those retractable seats beneath that Olympic roof, but he could not even get his head through the doorway; 'and even if my head would go through,' thought poor Allardyce, 'it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.' For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, like West Ham winning at Arsenal, Liverpool and Manchester City that Allardyce had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so he went back to the table, half hoping he might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes: this time he found a little bottle on it, ('which certainly was not here before,' said Allardyce) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.

It was all very well to say 'Drink me,' but the wise and wily Allardyce was not going to do THAT in a hurry. 'No, I'll look first,' he said, 'and see whether it's marked "relegation" or not'; for he had read several nice little histories about managers who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they WOULD not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you keep it up your back passage for too long; and that if you cut your finger VERY deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and he had never forgotten that, if you drink too much from a bottle marked 'relegation,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

However, this bottle was NOT marked 'relegation,' so Allardyce ventured to taste it, and finding it not so unpleasant, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of jock straps, coal dust, Geordie tears and hot pies) he very soon finished it off…

To be continued...

Never mind Qatar, how much did Brazil pay to win last night's game?

Well what a diabolical start to the World Cup. The opening ceremony was cringeworthy with unimaginative dancers and singers that nobody could hear, but that proved the perfect prelude to the most embarrassingly engineered home nation victory you could ever dread to see.

It really is time for referees to be marched in front of the world's media and interrogated about decisions which are so ludicrous that they bring the entire game into disrepute and leave everybody suspecting that either money has changed hands, or political pressure has been brought to bear.

Yes there was contact in the box, and yes a referee can hide behind that fact, but look at the way the opportunity to award Brazil a penalty was seized upon! The referee would have been genuflecting in thanks for his personal salvation had he not been surrounded by understandably irate Croats. If that was a penalty, then a penalty should have been awarded at every single corner, because defenders from both sides had their hands all over the forwards. Shouldn't a referee be obliged to explain that level of inconsistency?

And tell me, had that happened at the other end, would a spot kick have been awarded? Not a chance in hell!

Joe Cole's Downward Spiral complete with move to Aston Villa

Well, it seems even 'Arry and QPR didn't want him and clubs on the other side of the Atlantic said, "You did us over with London Bridge when we thought we were buying Tower Bridge, so we aint buying the duff Cole, be it Carlton or Joe." So what was the former Boy Wonder to do when even Batman 'Arry and the Yanks of Gotham City didn't want him?

The downward spiral started with that switch to Chelsea of course. Then it was Liverpool and Lille, before Joe returned to his spiritual home and proved that he truly is washed up and past it. So what's a knackered old has-been supposed to do as he contemplates retirement?

Why, find a nice Villa to see out the rest of his days of course!

A change of badge, shirt colour and name is long overdue

We sold the club's soul when we appointed Allardyce. We've agreed the sale of the ground too. And any player worthy of the title has been converted into cash at the earliest opportunity since the days of Greenwood and Lyall, so why in God's name get into a tizzy over the badge?

Maybe crossed dildos could replace the hammers. Instead of the castle, move in the Olympic Rings, with each dildo piercing a ring in ultra suggestive fashion.

Why not add London or Olympic to the club's name? In fact, we simply have to get the word West out of the title because it is so confusing for tourists - the club is situated on the East side of the city is it not? And as for "Ham", well that is just plain provocative and insensitive in the new multicultural metropolis - surely East London Olympic Halal and Kosher would be a more representative name for the club.

And let's change the bloody shirt whilst we are about it shall we? Claret and Blue is so, well you know, yesterday! Why not the multicoloured Olympic rings worn as hoops? That would be simply divine!

Those fans voicing concerns need to get with the programme. Hang on, programmes? No, let's have an issues based women's glossy magazine instead featuring a tiara adorned Princess Brady on the cover!

There! The makeover is complete! Next stop, the Champions League! Or maybe London Fashion Week might be more our cup of caffe latte!

Tottenham already have Lennon, so why not sign McCartney?

With Spurs desperate for a replacement for Danny "A Rose by any other name would smell as shite" and with cash limited following the £100m splurge last summer, surely Pochettino should consider reuniting Lennon with McCartney, by signing the West Ham man recently released on a free.

Before Spurs fans scoff, they should remember that West Ham did the treble over their rag bag bunch of overpriced millionaires last season, and "Linda" played in two of those three games, starting at centre back in the League Cup game in December and in his more accustomed left back position in the penultimate game of the season.

It's true that McCartney is no spring chicken and it's true too  that he is pretty crap, but he still ran out a winner in two games against Spurs last season, and if £100million pounds worth of "talent" can only conjure  one goal over 180 minutes of football with McCartney in the team, he can't be that bad can he?

One thing's for sure, although ordinary, he's a better left back than Danny Rose will ever be! So come on Levy, pick yourself up a bargain! And with Lennon and McCartney on board, it shouldn't be too hard to locate a Harrison somewhere in the lower leagues and, once he's in place, Spurs would surely make sweet music because every other expensive signing must be a genuine Starr.

Mustn't they?

West Ham and QPR miss out on Midfield Maestro

What a shame. It seems the lure of mega dollars has persuaded Fat Frank to ply his trade on the other side of the pond, rather than return to his roots or to link up again with Uncle 'Arry.

A move by West Ham for the best player produced by the club since Moore, Hurst and Peters (and yes I'm counting Brooking!) was always unlikely given the fans' antipathy for a player who, supposedly, was only selected as a teenager because of nepotism, but he would have been a wonderful addition to the ranks, guaranteeing either more goals than Nolan and Morrison put together if played behind Carroll, or wonderful control if selected as a deep seated play maker. Yes he's old, but when you ooze class, age doesn't matter.

As for QPR, he would have boosted morale both in the dressing room and on the terraces and would have been the pivot around which the Hula Hoops could have spun.

But, instead, he's heading for New York - until January at least when, who knows, if either club is desperate, a loan deal might yet be done.

http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.ro/2014/05/should-west-ham-rescue-scott-parker.html

Should West Ham Rescue Scott Parker From Fulham?

It seems amazing doesn't it, that such a great player as Scott Parker can be relegated from the top division of English football THREE times in a - as yet unfinished - career. Anybody would think, looking at that record, that the guy wasn't that much cop!

Incredibly, despite helping Fulham to a next to bottom place finish in the Premier League, Parker was overlooked for this season's Player of the Year award. Maybe his team has to finish rock bottom to merit that accolade!

But now the poor guy is stranded in the Championship and we all know how Scotty hates to play in the second tier of English football. So surely, after giving such great service to West Ham, before being forced to request a transfer when - following our relegation - Spurs made a cut price bid, we should step in and rescue him.

It's the very least we can do for a player who loved the club so much that he signed a contract extension, securing a massive wage increase, a week after Spurs bought Van Der Vaart; poor Scotty delayed and delayed signing that contract, only for Wheeler Dealer 'Arry to let him down by switching his interest to the Dutchman at the last moment. And how did West Ham reward him for his loyalty? By getting relegated! Just like Charlton! And now Fulham!

So, let's forget all the other transfer targets and prioritise bringing a true West Ham legend back to Upton Park. True fans of the club - who lauded Parker's heroic efforts as we finished bottom of the Prem - should launch a "Bring Back Scotty" campaign without delay. We owe it to the guy. And let's name the Olympic Stadium after him when we make the move too!

http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.ro/2014/05/if-sunderlands-jack-colback-is-answer.html

Do one Lescott!

So it looks like Lescott has shunned our advances. Well thank God for that! He laughed at suggestions that he might come to Upton Park on loan in January, and there's no way we want somebody with that attitude at the club.

In truth, Lescott is a very average player who has got more average by the day whilst living off the fat of Unreal City's inflated wage bill. He lacks focus, consistency and composure and isn't half as committed in the challenge as Ginge. God knows what he is looking for in wages, but one thing's for sure, he will have inflated expectations after adjusting his spending to his salary at Man City.

Jog on Kryten, we don't want you at West Ham!

If Sunderland's Jack Colback is the answer, we are asking the wrong question!

So the latest big white carrot topped hope is apparently Jack Colback, because he is available on a free from Sunderland. Allardyce regards him as the best player presently available for nowt but he would wouldn't he? Colback is an Allardyce type of player - high on energy and effort but very seriously lacking in one key department.

Question. Aged 24, how many goals has Colback scored over his career? Answer, ten.

Even more seriously, how many has he scored in the Prem? Answer, four.

Why did we struggle last season? We didn't score enough goals. So how is four goal Colback going to improve the situation exactly? When you play a single striker, you need midfield players who can score goals. Noble can't. Diame can't. Downing can't. Jarvis can't. So why add another goal shy player to the "armoury" exactly?

Somebody tell Allardyce we need GOALS!

It's Mo-Go Diame!

Well he lost his mojo when Allardyce started playing him as the front man in a striker-less formation and then as a wide man because Jarvis was so consistently hopeless, but now, it seems, Diame simply wants out.

How else can you account for his ridiculous comments about team mates not trying? Team mates not good enough might be a reasonable observation, but the one thing I witnessed all season was a team desperately trying to overcome its very severe limitations. Who, exactly, were the non triers?

Well, for sure, it wasn't any of O'Brien, Noble, Collins, Tomkins, Reid, McCartney, Carlton Cole, Taylor or Jarvis. Now you can question whether some of those should be in a Premiership team, never mind a team striving for a top ten finish, but to question their desire and effort would be madness in the extreme. The one thing every one of them could be relied upon to do, is run until they drop (which we only just avoided!).

What about Nolan? Well according to Diame, things got better after January when the competition for places increased. That rules out Captain Kev then, because with Morrison's departure, his place in the team was absolutely guaranteed. And with the situation improving in January, he clearly wasn't thinking of Carroll, because he hadn't kicked a ball during the period when players were supposedly not trying.

Does the finger then point at Demel? If so, it seems harsh because he always looked committed to the cause to me, even if lasting 90 minutes seems to be a challenge for the guy. Adrian or Jussi? Daft idea.

So, who are we down to? Joe Cole, Downing and Morrison? Well they were contenders for the one area of the team where there was competition for places, so Diame's argument flounders even if he is right that these three were more interested in themselves than in the team - which I can well believe. But to be fair to Downing, he did a lot of tracking back and I lost count of the number of blind alleys he ran up in most games.

So maybe it was Mogodon Maiga that Diame had in mind. Maybe Mo doesn't understand that the guy is just shit!

Or Boomtown Rat perhaps? Well the fact he defected mid season tells us he was unhappy at being used only occasionally by Allardyce but, again, I saw a player running and running and running whenever he wore the shirt.

If I've forgotten anybody, I apologise. But what difference did the new arrivals in January make anyway? They barely started a game between them, so the "competition for places" that they offered was virtually zero.

No. Mo was talking out of his arse, unless he was talking about his own attitude of course. One thing's for sure, he has guaranteed himself a cold shoulder from his team mates when they return to training, which suggests to me that he wants out of the club before the start of the new season. But if he's dreaming of a top 6 club coming in for him, then he's in for a disappointing summer. True Allardyce played him out of position for most of the season but that's because he was found out in the engine room of the team, giving away far too many free kicks on the edge of our box, which, with Jussi in goal, led to goals!

The Rebuilding Is Underway & Underwhelming!

So, three players have gone and the first new recruit is on his way. I'm not overly excited about the prospect of Zarate, but he has to be better than Maiga, Cole, Downing and Jarvis, doesn't he? The fact that he can play wide but can also score goals points to the direction in which we are heading: no change in the 4-3-3 tactics, just a change in personnel. I hope somebody has told the Argentinian that his first job is to track the opposition full back!

Meanwhile, suggestions that we are prepared to loan out Downing tells you everything you need to know about the failure of that particular deal. At the time he was signed, I expressed deep reservations about the deal, not least because, with Carroll side-lined, our priority had to be a striker and not another winger, but, as ever, the Claret & Blue Klan tried to shout me down. One season and one goal on, the folly of the deal is surely obvious to everybody. Let's hope Zarate does a bit better than that!

The latest talk is linking us with Gareth Barry and that would be as bloody stupid as the Downing signing. I have huge regard for the former England man, but he is no spring chicken and given the need for pace and goals, Barry must be the wrong man at the wrong time surely. Yes he is available on a free but so what? The same applies to Ince, and despite his genes, he would surely be a more exciting recruit. Tell me, what threat would a central midfield of Noble, Barry and Diame pose exactly?

So, Zarate is a start, but if we are serious about a top 10 finish, we have to unearth better gems than him and ignore players like Barry.

West Ham owe it all to Tottenham Hotspur

Take a look at the final league table. After 38 games, West Ham ended up with 40 points, just 7 clear of relegation. And six of those points came courtesy of victories over Spurs!

God knows what would have happened had we not swept to that amazing 3-0 victory at White Hart Lane back in October. Without Carroll and any forward worthy of the name, we looked nailed on certainties for the drop. Keeping clean sheets is all very well, but if you can't score, you can't win games and, apart from beating hapless Cardiff and lowly Cheltenham, we didn't look capable of winning a game. True we engineered a draw at the St Mary's Stadium courtesy of shutting out the Saints, and performed the same trick at Newcastle, but defeats at home to Stoke & Everton and away to Hull meant that the Relegation word was writ large upon the wall by the time we staggered into White Hart Lane.

And after that amazing 3-0 victory, things didn't get any better. Man City took us apart at Upton Park before we stole another point at Swansea courtesy of yet another 0-0 draw; another goalless bore draw followed at home to Villa and then we contrived to lose 3-1 at Norwich after murdering them for the first 45 minutes. Without those three points gifted by Spurs, we would have been deep in shit, even after a very lucky 3-0 win over hapless Fulham.

And so it went on all season, until Fabulous February. How wonderfully fitting that our survival was finally confirmed in the penultimate game of the season, with our third victory of the campaign over a Tottenham team that cost a mere £100million plus to put together. Three games, three victories and an aggregate score of 7-1! Even Maiga managed to net against Tottenham!

Makes you wonder where we would have finished in the table had we been allowed to play Spurs every week, doesn't it?

Sullivan Boxing Clever With Allardyce On The Ropes

Some of you may have noticed that this blog went quiet in February when we launched the winning run that secured our survival and that was down to good old fashioned East End superstition. Many would have promised not to change their underpants until West Ham lost, then until West Ham were guaranteed safety, but as a blogger, I pledged not to post until we were safely over the line. And, to be honest, with Allardyce in charge, what was there to say? You can only describe a parked bus so many times!

So, I'm back and what has changed? Well we are in the Prem again next season - and that looked unlikely until Fabulous February. And we are being linked with a host of potential signings - but this is the silly season for that sort of thing. And we have released three players - which is worthy of discussion. And, most importantly, Allardyce has survived the most tepid of votes of confidence and has been told to smarten up his act. It seems Sullivan and Gold were as bored watching that parked bus as the rest of us!

So, will anything change? To be honest, for as long as Allardyce is in charge, that's unlikely. You could give the guy Messi, Bale and Ronaldo and he would still be drilling the team on how to defend from the front. His mantra is simple - if you don't concede, you can't lose, and if you concede one you only need to score once to avoid defeat. It's simple, it's straightforward and, as his record shows, it works. Boring certainly, but who wants the excitement of relegation exactly?

And let's be fair to the guy, there were performances last season that had nothing to do with the West Ham way but which were absolutely fundamental to our survival. That performance at the Bridge was awesome - boring but awesome! And the win at Sunderland was superbly orchestrated. And the win at Cardiff was down to excellent team discipline as was the victory at Villa. We were unlucky at Everton, we weren't disgraced at the Etihad, Liverpool's penalties were both tenuous and we even stayed in the game at the Emirates for much of the match. And then, of course there were the Tottenham games!

But if you want to sum up everything that is wrong, you only have to look at the home wins over Norwich and Hull. The fans didn't boo at the end of our victory over the Canaries but they should have done, because we played on the break at home to a side that was eventually relegated, and we were bloody lucky to come away with one point, never mind three. As for the Hull game, well I for one felt ashamed to be a West Ham fan as we struggled to get and retain the ball when playing against ten toothless tigers. Truly shameful!

But Allardyce will laud those wins over two teams that finished beneath us in the table, and will probably point out that a narrow defeat at West Brom preserved our goal difference, making it all but certain that we would survive even if Norwich suddenly came over all Real Madrid, or Sunderland for that matter.

And if we are honest, Allardyce probably over-performed given the squad he was working with. The policy of having Carroll, and nobody else, was mad and the absurdity of re-signing Carlton said everything that needed to be said about the lack of forward planning (the pun is fully intended!). Surely, that mistake will never again be repeated, which means that with two left backs leaving, two left backs will have to be signed this summer - along with two midfield players, two strikers and, at least, one winger who can score goals! We need pace, pace and more pace - and goal scorers too. I blogged last season about how few goals the squad have scored between them over their careers, and take out Nolan ( and many want to!) and you would have one of the most goal shy squads in the history of the game. It's all very well having Jarvis and Downing dashing up the flanks, but if you have nobody to put the ball in the net should either actually put over a cross, how are you going to score exactly?

So we all know what has to be done to refashion a sub standard squad but can we afford to do it? Sullivan used the excuse of Financial Fair Play last season and it's hard to see what has changed this summer. True we have Joe Cole off the wage bill, and McCartney was on absurd money given his limitations and fitness record, but if the financial corset is real, how are we going to acquire and pay six or seven new quality players exactly? One way would be to sell Downing who proved a terrible waste of money all season, but after his one goal return, courtesy of a pansy Tottenham wall, who will want to sign him?

The Academy has stuttered, and not just because of Allardyce as the tonking at Forest proved, and the days of unearthing a Keegan at Scunthorpe or a Devonshire at Southall seem to be over. We keep trying, but it doesn't work because the quality of the Prem is so much better that the quality of the old First Division, and the scouting networks are such that gems are found aged ten, not twenty one!

So, the Sullivan plan seems to me to be the best one - which is to ease Allardyce out rather than sack him. Had he gone this summer, we would have been nailed on certainties to go down next season; because Allardyce leaves behind a squad that can only play one way, as Bolton, Blackburn and Newcastle have all discovered at their cost. You may hate him, but if you want to avoid the drop, he's your man; and when you sack him, relegation is all but guaranteed to follow. But maybe, if you foist a different style of player upon him, and let him drill discipline into those players, maybe, just maybe, a year later you can jettison him and hand a decent squad over to his successor. Maybe.

Next season aint going to be pretty but when we went down under Grant, we would all have given our right arms to have bounced right back and to still be in the Prem two seasons later. And let's not forget we beat Spurs three times last season with an aggregate score of 7-1; Big Sam deserves a statue for that alone!

So I want to see Allardyce go, desperately, but not quite yet. I can take another year in the dentist's chair, wincing in agony as the Allardyce drill does its business - because maybe then we can actually survive his departure!

Andy Carroll: Will the FA officially sanction cheating today?

I only saw the Chico Flores-Andy Carroll love tussle for the first time on MOTD2 last night, and on first viewing, I must admit my heart sank. From one angle, Carroll definitely swings his arm back and appears to make contact. And that's the view the referee had.

But seen from the other side, all becomes clear. Yes the arm moves backwards, but not maliciously, and the reaction of Flores is absolutely pathetic.

So now the FA face a challenge. What is more serious, a swinging arm that if it makes contact can result in a broken cheek bone or nose, or out and out cheating? I fear they will stupidly err on the side of personal safety, and in so doing, do untold damage to the game.

The sensible course of action would be for the red to be reduced to a yellow and for Flores to be charged with bringing the game into disrepute. And when found guilty, a significant ban and fine should be imposed because if we do not drive this appalling simulation out of the game then cheating will grow like a cancer.

So, is the risk to the health of one player or the risk to the health of the entire game more important? It's clear what the panel should decide - even Laudrup admits Carroll shouldn't have seen red - but I'm not holding my breath!

Any three from ten as relegation waters muddy with West Ham's win over Swansea

Well it looks like being one hell of a scrap to avoid the drop this season. We were briefly out of the bottom three, only for Moyeschester United to choke yet again - this time at Stoke. So now three points separates tenth placed Stoke and relegation - and that is crazy with more than half the season in the can!

What's even crazier is that our survival could now depend on an appeal to Carroll's red card. Nolan's two goals today showed how important the pairing are likely to be - and one without the other is about as useful as a single chopstick. Laudrup has sportingly said that the red card was harsh and hopefully that will help - and given Swansea are themselves deep in the mire, that was a very noble gesture indeed.

I couldn't see the game today as I am in hospital; and following it by constantly refreshing the Official Site match report was more painful than my operation to remove my gall bladder - especially after Carroll's dismissal. What's truly amazing about the last two games, of course, is that we have kept clean sheets without starting Reid and the new signings have been periphery too. Thank God in the case of Johnson!

What is clear from this window is that Sullivan and Gold are costing in relegation. No money was spent and the wages of the loan signings will not be carried over to the Championship. The decision to part with Rat was disappointing for me, but Allardyce clearly doesn't rate him. Let's hope the new Colombian is more professional than Montano; and the life of his family doesn't hinge on West Ham losing a key game!

Max Gradel set to reject "little Leeds United" in favour of Premiership Giants

Well that would be a kick in the David Haighs wouldn't it? Former Leeds United favourite Max Gradel is rumoured to have rejected a move to the 'Yorkshire Briefly Greats' after West Ham made a late, late move for the fleet of foot maestro.

Gradel himself was unavailable for comment but a source close to Leeds, Mr Lee Vitout said: "Obviously everybody at Leeds is disappointed that Max has decided not to join our campaign to finish in mid table in the Championship, but we fully understand his reasons."

"It is true that Leeds United briefly soared across the English footballing firmament like a mighty comet but we must all now accept that the glory years are long, long gone. If a week is a long time in politics, then a decade must be an eon in football. And it is ten years now since we were in the top division of English football."

"The facts may be unpalatable but are nevertheless undeniable. We do not own our ground and we do not own our training facilities. There is a very clear divide between our owners and our manager, and the position of David Haigh looks increasingly untenable."

"What's worse is that an Italian crook is now looking to take control of the club."

"A succession of managers have come and gone and the squad put together by Warnock and McDermott is ordinary in the extreme. And any hope of being in the Prem next season has long since evaporated. So why would any player with a sense of ambition choose to join us when he has the opportunity to play in the Prem, especially for the club that won the World Cup for England?"

He concluded: "If Max joins West Ham he will do so with the blessing of all Leeds United fans who understand that an ambitious player wants to play for the biggest team he possibly can. Our only hope now is that this will kill off West Ham's interest in McCormack because otherwise GFH Capital may be tempted to sell him just before the window closes in a desperate attempt to claw back some of their misguided investment and possibly even stave off administration."

Chelsea Choked By Hammers Heroes!

Well what a fantastic rear guard action! The performance echoed our draw at Anfield last season, but was still more amazing because we have been leaking so many goals lately - and because Chelsea are a better team than Liverpool were last season.

There's little point in writing a match report as such, because all night it was a case of West Ham players closing, chasing, harrying, tackling, screening and throwing their bodies in front of shots. Critics of Allardyce must again accept that no other West Ham manager in our life time has organised a team so effectively defensively - and Allardyce is not blessed with a Bobby Moore, a Frank Lampard senior, a Julian Dicks, an Alvin Martin, a Tony Gale, a Billy Bonds or a Phil Parkes (with apologies to any of our star defenders down the years that my tired old brain may have forgotten.

Instead Allardyce had a back four featuring the lumbering Demel, the resolute but limited Collins, the not quite got it Tomkins and the right footed O'Brien playing at left back. You would expect Hazard, Eto'o, Oscar, Ramires and Lampard to make mince meat of them, and they probably would have done but for two absolute stars in front of them.

So once again, I call upon the critics of Noble to hold their hands up and admit to being wrong; whilst I happily concede that I have horribly underestimated Matty Taylor. These two guys were truly immense tonight, tracking runners, closing space on the edge of our box and throwing their bodies in front of shots. And when we had the ball - which wasn't often! - Noble used it better than any other player in a West Ham shirt. In fact the guy was typified by his refusal to be substituted, staring down Allardyce when his number was shown and making it clear that he was only leaving the pitch over Big Sam's dead body - so Nolan was pulled off instead! Brilliant stuff.

Adrian was superb too and his last second save from Lampard will be one of the great moments of this season, if come the season's finale we remain in this division!

And is there anything else to say? Carroll's air-shot may have cost us two bonus points, but equally it may have enraged the Chelsea bull and resulted in a trouncing, so let's not be too greedy. We remain in the shit, but if we play with this spirit for the remainder of the season, we should be good enough to stay up!

Player ratings: Adrian 10; Demel 7, Collins 10, Tomkins 9, O'Brien 9; Noble 10, Taylor 10; Downing 6, Nolan 7, Diame 5; Carroll 6 Subs Jarvis 6, Cole 6, Nocerino 4

Leeds United's McCormack to West Ham? Over Allardyce's Sacked Body!

OK we have bought some shit down the years, but Ross McCormack would really take the biscuit - providing Benni McCarthy didn't eat any left behind by Eggert Magnusson and the barrel has been kept hidden from Allardyce.

True the Scot has banged in a few goals in the Championship but how many players are capable of making the step up? And he's no spring chicken is he?

It doesn't take a high wattage bulb to shine in the darkness, and in the current Leeds team, a Lions Midget Gem would shine like the Koh-I-Noor. Good God, when you are compared with the likes of Podgy Kenny, Warnock Junior, Reg Varney, Shit Brown and Hell Hadji, you'd have to have two prosphetic left legs and be right footed not to stand out from the crowd.

If we are really interested in him then it can only be because we are planning for next season in the Championship. McCormack has Ted MacDougall and Derek Hales stamped all over him, a decent player in the lower divisions but hopelessly out of his depth in the top division.

And as hard up as Leeds are, they won't sell him for what he is worth which is somewhere between £1.5m and £2m.

Leave well alone for God's sake - just look at what Becchio has "achieved" at Norwich!

Former West Ham Star Treated Disgracefully

How outrageous! West Ham fans up and down the land will be venting their fury at the news that former favourite Paul Ince has been shown the door by Tangerine Dreamers Blackpool. How very dare they?

What has Ince done to deserve the sack exactly? He took over a moderately crap team - his son apart - and nearly a year later, he leaves behind a moderately crap team. Since when has that been a reason for a guy to be sacked exactly?

Ok, Blackpool started the season fabulously, and have fallen away horrifically, but Blackpool has built it's reputation on roller coaster rides so Ince was just doing his bit to support the resort's branding.

And it's true that the Guvnor made a prize arse of himself when he "violently shoved" a fourth official and collected himself a stadium ban - but that's not his fault, for its a well known fact that you can take the boy out of the East End, but you can't take the East End out of the boy.

So what that Blackpool have lost nine games out of the last ten - any team can have a bad run can't they? And so what that the club's supporters wrote to the Chairman demanding that Ince be shown the door? What the hell do football fans know?

Ince is a legend in his own mind and is a great manager just waiting for the right opportunity. His failures at Blackburn, Blackpool, Notts County and MK Dons (the second time around) are simply blips.

Blackpool will surely live to rue the day they parted company with the high and mighty Paul Ince. Maybe he will replace Moyes at Manchester United. Maybe Arsenal will sack Wenger in order to snap him up whilst he is on the job market. Pellegrini must be sweating after Unreal City only netted three at Upton Park. And even Brendan Rodgers must feel anxious, knowing that Ince has the man management skills and tactical acumen to get the very best out of Suarez.

One thing's for sure, it's a sad day for football and the whole football family will be desperate to see Incey back in the game as soon as possible.

Not!