Listen to him! What an idiotic twat. It was the referee's fault. Well it always is when we lose according to Allardyce, but this time he does have a point.
It was the players' fault. We created chances and when you create chances you should score goals. It's like a deformed handicapped ugly dwarf with puss weeping pimples wandering into a party full of beautiful women. The beautiful women are there, so he should score. Obviously.
Read the stats from yesterday's game and it looks like Allardyce has a point. We had 18 shots in the game apparently, twice as many as Hull, and got five on target. Ergo, we wasted chances. But did we really? Apart from the Tomkins header, which beat the keeper and found a defender on the line, I can remember two clear cut chances. Diame made a complete hash of his chance, air kicking a brilliant pulled back cross from Rat. And Rat himself fired wide after controlling the ball superbly on his chest before shooting like a Romanian defender.
So where does a shot count of 18 come from exactly? Well Vaz Te had that overhead kick. It would have been a brilliant goal but he was forced into attempting the incredible by a poor cross in the first place. Then there was the Vaz Te free kick which cleared the bar. Well, Diamante apart, we have complained for years that we have nobody in the team able to capitalise from these sorts of opportunities but what has Allardyce done to address the issue? Then there was Noble's shot from outside the box. But tell me, how many goals has Noble scored from open play over the last four years? You have enough fingers on one hand to count!
Then there was that Maiga shot, of course. But he was too far out, too wide of the goal and under too much pressure to stand any realistic chance of scoring. Had we started with two players up top, Maiga would have had the option of crossing, and one of the two defenders snapping at his heels would have been otherwise engaged. But Allardyce only plays with one up top and yesterday started with Diame and Jarvis wide, neither of whom are noted for their goal scoring acumen.
And apart from those efforts? Well the rest were snatched at half chances, feeble headers from poor crosses or speculative attempts from unrealistic positions.
Well Allardyce is a stats man, so let's look at the stats shall we? The Premiership goal scoring record of the ten outfield players that started yesterday's game reads as follows:
O'Brien - 2 goals from 87 games.
Rat - 0 goals from 2 games.
Tomkins - 3 goals from 86 games.
Reid - 1 goal from 48 games
Noble - 19 goals from 161 games (including 12 penalties)
Nolan - 62 goals from 342 games
Jarvis -17 goals from 145 games
Diame - 8 goals from 135 games
Morrison - 1 goal from 4 games
Maiga - 2 goals from 22 games
Now do the sums. Even allowing for the potential statistical anomaly of Morrison, who needs to score 9 goals a season to maintain his present ratio, this team has scored a combined total of 115 goals from 1032 games! Take out Nolan's stats, and many want Nolan out of the team, and the figures make truly terrifying reading, with just 53 goals scored from 690 games. Take out Noble's penalties and that becomes 41 goals from 690 games!
Now if Allardyce cannot understand why this team is not scoring goals after reading those statistics, he truly is an arse! And that is before we take into account his 4-5-1, safety first tactics!
It's an unfortunate given of the game that you cannot win a match if you do not score, so how exactly does Allardyce expect to win enough games to survive in the Prem with a team that has such an appalling goal scoring return? It's not the number of shots that matters, it's who the chances are falling to, as Collins, Rat, Maiga and Diame have illustrated in recent games.
Of course, add Joe Cole and Stewart Downing to the team and the picture improves, but the problem still remains that without a goal scoring striker, the net return will still be insufficient to average a point a game.
And here's another terrifying stat - Jarvis didn't assist a single goal in the Prem last season! Yes he got in lots of crosses, but none of those crosses led directly to a goal. And he is supposedly one of our most effective attacking weapons!
Yesterday, we played for a draw at Hull City. The team was set up to keep what we had at the start of the match and, yet again, the tactic seemed to be to keep a clean sheet and hope that we could pinch a goal. Fair enough at Newcastle and Southampton perhaps, but against Hull City? Dear God, they had Faye at centre back! He was old and slow in the Championship two years ago but he was able to keep pace with Nolan and Maiga yesterday, despite having only just returned from injury. That is terrifying!
So, why are we struggling and why will we continue to struggle? Because of the personnel that Allardyce has recruited and the tactics he is employing. It's not Kevin Friend's fault. It's not the players' fault because they can only do what they can do, it's Allardyce's fault, and he needs to find a Plan B fast or we will go down.
Take those vital stats and shove them up your big fat gormless arse Allardyce!