The Academy of Our Dreams - Not Tottenham's, Newcastle's, Sunderland's, Chelsea's, or Villa's.

We may or may not have a mega rich owner at some point in the near future but, either way, I hope desperately that we do not go the route of Tottenham, Liverpool, Chelsea et all. City supporters have taken issue with comparisons with Chelsea, justifiably pointing to the kids they have brought through in recent seasons, but we all know that in two years time, they will be the Harlem Globe Trotters of the Premier League, the team sheet packed with razzle, dazzle superstars, living in a hinterland between the professional game and a fantasy league. They will win nothing as per usual but they will win it with a swagger - and probably without a home grown player worth the name.

West Ham are different, always have been. Leaving aside the Tevez fiasco, we are the good guys of the game, playing football the way it should be played and bringing through talented youngsters for the England team. Look at the current squad and you will see Ferdinand, Cole, Carrick, Defoe, Johnson and Lampard. That, conceivably, is six starters. Who else can compare with that? Tottenham would have King but he isn't allowed to play by Doctor Redknapp and Peter Crouch, though he never kicked a ball in anger for the club so hardly counts. Liverpool have Gerrard and would have Traitor Carragher but he declines to play. Chelsea have Carlton Goals and Terry (but he started his career on West Ham's books anyway). Arsenal have Cashley Cole but then they would probably choose to forget that! Everton have Rooney. Villa boast Ivebonkedawhore and Barry, though like Defoe and Terry, his schoolboy days were spent elsewhere (Brighton). What about Manchester United, who previously contributed the backbone of Butt, the two Nevilles, Beckham and Scholes to the side? Times have changed and only Wes Brown and Beckham, a hang over from the previous era, remains. Nobody from Newcastle, only Wright-Phillips from City, though surely Micah Richards will feature soon. In fact, if we look at the squad we see that, West Ham apart, it is lower league teams who launch careers: Green (Norwich) James (Watford), Foster (Racing Club Warwick), Johnson (West Ham), Wes Brown (Man U), Cashley Cole (Arsenal), Baines (Wigan), Upson (Luton), Terry (Chelsea), Ferdinand (West Ham), Jagielka (Shafting United), Carrick (West Ham), Lennon (Leeds) Beckham (Man U), Lampard (West Ham) Gerrard (Liverpool), Barry (Brighton / Villa), Walcott (Southampton), Joe Cole (West Ham), Hargreaves (Calgary Foothills), Downing (Boro) Carlton Goals (Chelsea), Heskey (Leicester) Rooney (Everton), Defoe (Charlton / West Ham), Bent (Ipswich), Ivebonkedawhore (Villa), Young (Watford) Wright-Phillips (City), Crouch (Tottenham with a cough!).

It is a sobering thought for the fans in the North East that Calgary Foothills and Racing Club Warwick combined have produced more current England players than the three North East Giants put together. Is it any wonder the three "sleeping giants" are nearly in a coma?

Why have I bothered with this breakdown? Well England could almost send out a team made up of players raised or signed by West Ham: 1.James or Green 2.Johnson 3.Upson 4.Carrick 5.Rio Ferdinand 6 Tomkins or Anton 7.Lampard 8.Noble 9.Carlton 10.Defoe 11.Joe Cole. Now that wouldn't be the best England team ever, I accept, but nor would it be the worst! That is nothing short of incredible and no other club could come close. Certainly that team would tonk any side composed exclusively of English born players linked to any other club. The message to any promising kid in the game is clear - join West Ham!

And my main point? I want this to continue. If a big money owner comes in, then it should be the signal to stop selling our talent not to go out and buy a team made elsewhere. Let's make West Ham the Academy of Our Dreams and not the Brit School for other club's theatres of dreams!

Where are you Tottenham and Manchester City? (Ashes asks!)

A terrific afternoon for the Hammers but not so good for the wannabees, Citeh and Spuds. Ha Ha! The look of horror on Harry's Jowly Face said it all. He thought that a dodgy penalty, and Keane arrogantly placing the ball IN FRONT of the penalty spot, were going to be enough to get them home. His players thought it was enough. They thought they were going to rocket into 7th place. They thought they were too good for their Chelsea-beating boots. Ha Ha! They should have asked the mighty, mighty Hammers how hard it is to beat Blackburn on their dung heap. Just a couple of yellow cards (which Palacios can't appeal) and Bob's your uncle: McCarthy and Oojier sent them packing with the help of Gomes. Justly. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch! (sorry for laying on the schadenfreude so thick mates, but ... no, wait a minute, NOT sorry).

Similar story at the Emirates. Another team that was supposed to be "going places". A team so good that the Putter-Nutter said, "I'd be crazy to turn down the offer to be part of something so big". A team that cannot score away from home! How much did they pay for Ribena? He has only scored once in 2009 - and that was for Brazil!

On this day, two young Academy products, one just turned twenty the other nineteen, showed anybody who cared to watch (not that Citeh and Spuds think we're worth watching) how it is done: with spirit, with tenacity, with skill, with style, with grace, with FUN.

THANK YOU HAMMERS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!

The Mordant Org

Things are looking a bit desperate over at the Mordant Org. Even Archbishop Aycliffe has resorted to asking where everybody has gone and saying a prayer for the soul of the formerly vibrant West Ham chat forum. His reference to a self imposed ban brought Tricky Dicky Nixon out of his bunker to protest that the Klan Komittee had not Konvened to Knock out another Kontributer. Grumpy (pictured pleasuring a Henry?) of course put it down to international week and claimed it is always slack during weeks when west Ham are not playing, but that hardly explains why there was more chat and laughter at Jade Goody's funeral than in the Org's chat rooms today. West Ham decimated by injuries sweep aside Sunderland, featuring a returning Anton, with goals from two Academy boys, and the best the Org can muster is Grumpy's "Go Dyer" and the woefully inaccurate "I can feel another goal coming..." I'm waiting Dave. I'm waiting. As usual, you don't know what you're fking talking about! Mind you, that hardly compares with his opinion that there is nothing left to play for! I thought we were trying to get into Europe!

The truth of the matter, of course, is that if you stifle debate, you smother a forum. Controversy feeds debate; if everybody agrees with everybody else, there's nothing to talk about. The Org is dying on its feet whilst the back slappers gradually creep away, bored by the hollowness of the contributions. How long before the Klan find themselves talking to themselves? Hi Wrighty. Hi Dave. Hi Irons. Alright Bruv? How you diddling Bruv? Remember that club in Chelmsford Bruv? Cattle market Bruv. LOL Bruv. Carlton Cole is crap Bruv. Too right Bruv. Hi Jase. How you diddling Bruv? Great Bruv. Boys did good Bruv. Boys always do good Bruv. Support the manager Bruv. Support the club Bruv. Too right Bruv. Hate the Spuds Bruv. Hate the Spuds too Bruv. Better without Fanno Bruv. Much better Bruv. Still there Dave? Dave, you still there bruv? Still there Jase? Still there Irons? Well I'm still here, not in Shanghai but here. Anybody else here? Bruv? Bruv? Bruv? Talk to me Bruv!

West Ham v Sunderland. A Tale of Two Colts and an Old Nag!

On and upwards! I got the formation wrong, not least because I had a brainstorm and forgot Noble, but what a great afternoon at Upton Park. No Beano, no Cole, no Collison, no Kovac, no Parker, no Gabbidon, all of whom would walk into the Sunderland team, and we tonked them - well Tomkinsed them anyway.

All the team were heroes in the circumstances - it would have been so easy to accept a draw and blame the casualty list - but three stood out for me. Stanislas and Tomkins obviously, when young kids from the Academy score it sends a thrill down the spine, but the joker in the pack was that old nag, Luis Boa-Morte. On this showing, the guy does have something to offer. Had his shot not been blocked near the end, he might even have got on the score sheet! Now that would have been a bigger shock than the 100-1 winner of the National!

From back to front, we played well as a team, passing and moving impressively and looking superior to Blunderland in every area of the pitch. Watching their performance, you have to worry for the Black Prats. How much have they spent to assemble that team? It has to be the biggest waste of money this side of Lloyds buying HBOS. Black cats, black horses, black days ahead possibly! The decision not to start Kenwyne was perverse and made Tomkins and Upson's afternoon so much easier. Was that Niall Quinn yelling "Ricky I want to talk to you!" at the end of the game or was it just a re-run of Bianca yelling in Eastenders?

Sad to see Spector stretchered from the pitch, let's hope it is only concussion. What on earth was Tristan up to on those corners? Noble clearly didn't want him out there and time wasting when winning 2-0 was negative and stupid. Somebody needs to tell the guy that at West Ham we play the game in the right spirit! The laughable moment when Tristan took the short corner, then danced round the Sunderland player and left the ball behind was a collector's piece but it led directly to poor Ilunga collecting a yellow card as Sunderland counter attacked. Those moments apart, Tristan looked better than previously. He moved for a start! But joking apart, he had a better than fair game, as did Di Michele. Perhaps the clever money was on us to win this one eh David?

Green was a worry though wasn't he? He is still flapping badly at crosses. Collins preserved our clean sheet with yet another "goal line" clearance but Green should not be putting his defenders in this position with his rushes of blood when the ball is lumped into our box. England keeper? Not on this showing!

But I don't want to end on a negative. Tomkins, Noble, Stanislas - all products of the Academy and the best of the bunch, Collison wasn't available. Let's hope Freddie Sears can find his feet and come again. These are happy times for us Hammers!

Faubert Shock!

The world of football was reeling today with the shock news that Real Madrid will not be exercising their option to buy Julian Faubert on a permanent deal in the summer. Having had hardly any opportunity to show what he can do, the West Ham and France star is to be sent packing when the present season ends. Once again, it seems, Jaunde Ramos has managed to pull disaster from the jaws of opportunity.

Faubert himself has spoken of his disappointment at the decision. Ever the self effacing, modest, diplomat, the Flying Frenchman (returning no doubt on Ryanair) has refused to criticise Ramos or the Spanish giants, although he must be stunned by the decision. As missed opportunities go, this is surely up there with Leeds United's decision to sell Cantona to Manchester United.

"The boy is a genius", said Faubert's mystified agent. "Madrid have simply failed to get the best out of him. People were surprised when the deal was initially announced and questioned the sanity of Ramos, but Julian and I knew that his performances at West Ham did not reflect his true ability. The English game is far too rough and tumble for somebody like Julian. He is an artist, not a painter and decorator. West Ham wanted him to, how do you say in English, bosh, bosh, bosh, but Julian wanted to create a work of art. And that takes time. It isn't all about going round a full back and whipping in a cross, it is about style and finesse. The Va Va Voom as Thiery Henry describes it."

Poor Faubert now faces the unhappy prospect of returning to the Hammers and suffering the taunts of the fans and the brutal training regimes at the club. "It will be a living hell for him," his agent Totale Merde told us. "I only hope that one of the other major clubs see sense and sign him. Who knows, he could be a Manchester United, Barcelona or Milan player by the start of next season."

Team For Sunderland.

Zola faces a few selection dilemmas ahead of the game today. At the back, assuming Upson isn't saving himself for England games and Collins for the Welsh, a choice has to be made between Tomkins and Ginge. Up front, it is a case of "Is there anybody on the books who can score?" and in midfield, "Who is fit and how adventurous are we prepared to be?".

Lessons can perhaps be learned from the victory at Sunderland but, the more I think about that game, the more the conundrum deepens (do conundrums deepen?). At the back, Collins had a Tale of Two Cities, the best of times and the worst of times. Second half, the Sunderland crosses unerringly found that shock of receding red hair in our penalty box. By the end of the game, Collins must have had a headache! However, Cisse, in truth, gave him a torrid time and should have bagged three. After the game, there was plenty of discussion about whether Sunderland should have had a pen for Collins pulling down Jones in the box and whether Collins should have stayed on the pitch after a tangle of bodies when Neptune tried to burst clear. Go back to last season and Jones mugged Upson all game at Upton Park and we were lucky to come away with a 3-1 victory, scoring twice in the last ten minutes. I would go with Tomkins and Upson personally, trusting to their pace to counter the threat of Cisse running onto the ball 'over the top' but I say that with no real conviction. Jones might then bag two with his head! Neill will revert to right back and Ilunga is a given on the left of defence.

Up front, it sounds as if Zola has decided to go with Tristan. I can see the sense in that because we need somebody to play off. However, there was no big man up front when we beat Sunderland on their dung heap, Bellamy and Sears buzzed around and ran Sunderland's back four ragged. And it was Bellyache who came on and destroyed Sunderland at UP last season. I'm pleased we sold Period Pains, £14m was a fantastic settlement, but boy could we do with him today. Anton must be smiling at the prospect of stopping Di Michele and Tristan on his first return to the Boleyn. There can't be many less potent strike forces in the Prem if we are honest. A whole season with those two up front would spell relegation!

What about more daring alternatives? Personally I would love to see Dyer start, playing just behind Tristan with Savio wide left and Stanislas wide right. That is the only line up that I can see putting Blunderland onto the back foot. With Parker and Kovac (if fit) anchoring midfield, we should look to camp in Sunderland's half and terrify their full backs with pace.

So my team would read: Green; Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga; Stanislas, Kovac, Parker, Savio; Dyer, Tristan. However, I anticipate seeing Di Michele for Dyer and Boa-Morte for either Stanislas or Savio as Clarke persuades Zola to play it safe. I never predict results but I am not confident! Have a great day anyway Marty!

Postscript: I forgot Noble! How did I forget Noble?

Newcastle Fans, How Selfish Is Shearer?

Did you hear that incredible quotation? "A friend asked if I didn't take the job and Newcastle survived, wouldn't I regret it? And the answer was yes." A slip of the tongue or a short circuit into the guy's subconscious? Why is he back exactly? To save the club or to perpetuate the myth that, like Keegan, King Al can walk on water?

It is high time the Geordies checked out the story of King Canute. The tide will come in no matter who orders it not to. Shearer, as ever, is looking after number nine, looking for personal glory and adulation. If he had really had the interests of the club at heart, he would have stepped in as soon as Keegan left, or when Kinnear was rushed into hospital. Trouble is, he could then have been judged and might have been deemed a failure. Now, if the Loony Toons go down, everyone will say, "What chance did he stand, there were only 8 games left when he took over and the transfer window was closed."

Ginola was on the radio this morning and talking about how boring Shearer was as a person. He termed him a "winner on the pitch" but suggested that he was uninspiring in the dressing room. Well he can't bang in the goals from the dug out so it is his ability to motivate in that dressing room that will now count. He sends me to sleep as soon as he starts droning on MOTD so I can't see how he is going to get anybody fired up personally. He reminds me of Curbishley - boring, boring, boring. Tell me, how often does the return of an ex player as manager signal success? Not often! But why does that matter, if it doesn't work, it won't be Alan's fault will it?

It is Heads Al wins, Tails Al wins. And Newscastle? The castle doesn't count, it is only the King that matters!

Why we owe our survival to Anton Ferdinand!

Anton made his debut in August 2003, as a very young centre back and he remains young. We have said of Tomkins that he is learning his trade. Well, Anton is probably still developing. Brother Rio has unquestionably just had his best season ever this year. So, what do the stats show about Anton's effect on West Ham's win to games played ratio over his career at the club? Did he make a positive difference to our results when he was in the team? Well in 163 games with Anton in the team, West Ham won 43.56% of their games. Over the five full seasons that Anton was in the team, the win ratio in all league games played stood at 39.3%. So, we actually won more games with Anton in the team than we did without him in the team. And he was learning his trade at the time. Yes he made mistakes, but who doesn't? Of course, a mistake by a centre half, like a mistake by a keeper, tends to be higher profile.

The most amazing facts emerge when we look at the year of the Great Escape however (2006/07). During that traumatic season, Anton played in EVERY game that we won. In none of the seven league games that he missed did we get a victory! Nor was he in the team that lost 3-0 to Palermo, nor was he in the team that crashed out of the cup to Watford. Ferdinand's win percentage that season was 44%, and overall the team had a win ratio of just 31% for the whole season. Looked at one way, that is a net difference folks of 13%! Looked at another way, we had a win ratio of 0% when Anton wasn't playing and of 44% when he was! That is some difference! It gets better still. Anton also played in ALL our drawn league games that season except the 3-3 home draw against Fulham, which is not really a result a defender would want to associate himself with. So EVERY point we gained except for one in that disastrous season was gained with Ferdinand IN the team! We thought it was Tevez, Neill and Noble who saved us! Well the facts show that Ferdinand was absolutely key to our survival. Had we won 44% of all our games (the ratio of victories when Ferdinand was IN the team), we would have ended the season with 50 points!

We owe a debt of gratitude to Anton and I expect to see him in an England shirt at some point in the future. Check out Sunderland’s comparative results with and without Anton in the team this season, and you will see that he has made a positive difference there too.

All that said, I hope he makes a couple of errors tomorrow and hands us a brace of goals. Without Cole, I'm not sure how else we are going to score!

Why, why, why, Boa-Morte?

With no Cole, no Behrami and no Collison (not much point in mentioning the absence of Beano), the chances are we will see Luis Boa-Morte in action tomorrow. Some Hammers fans are confused by the "enigma" that is Boa, wondering how a player who looked so good before he joined us, can look so consistently awful in Claret and Blue. Those fans have selective memories of Boa before he was ours.

Let’s examine his record. Just 46 career goals during a playing career stretching to over 300 club games hardly represents "scoring for fun" does it? At full international level, playing in a very good Portugal team, he mustered a grand total of just 2 goals in 25 games. He did score for fun in his first season at Fulham, notching 18 of those 46 career goals in just 39 games - but that was in the Fizzy Pop!

And that, sadly, is where Boa belongs!

Let Southampton Be a Warning

I remember a New Year's Eve in Southampton. At midnight the air was filled with a terrible dirge, like witches howling with tooth ache. All the ships in the docks were sounding their fog horns to signal the New Year and it sounded like time itself was coming to an end, drowning beneath a mournful hymn to sorrow.

I have a soft spot for the Saints. I was at Uni in Southampton and as a kid traveled up once every season from Yeovil to watch West Ham play at the Dell. Remember Terry Paine, Davies, Channon, Keegan, Stokes, Osgood, Ball, Shearer and co? Remember that Cup Final victory over United? Remember how they were a permanent fixture in the top division?

Today their holding company went into receivership and the club has been placed in the hands of the administrators. If a buyer cannot be found, the club may cease to exist. That would be a travesty, a disaster. Every true fan in the land must hope that the Saints can find a saviour.

But looking beyond Southampton, this all has an uncomfortably familiar ring to it. We are owned by a holding company that is on a stay of execution which runs out in a little over two months' time. If we haven't been sold by then, we could well find ourselves in the same position as Southampton. Major car companies may cease to exist in the coming months, high street clearing banks may yet go to the wall, football clubs are small beer in the circumstances.

I can hear those fog horns wailing as I write. I hope they herald a new year and a prosperous future for both the Saints and ourselves. I hope, but I am by no means certain.

Get Off Curbishley's Back (Says Phil The Tinker)

Fanno, what are you on about?

I remember Curbs palming off the credit to the players after every match, praising their performances. Pardew was taking us down and Curbs kept us up, and yet you still prefer Pardew; why?

Curbs didn't play attractive football but at the end of the day, during the great escape, were you really concerned with our style of play or just picking up the results?

The next season we gave him a chance to get us mid table security, and although it was one hell of a boring season, he did it. This season he couldn't take us further in the opinion of pretty much everyone, but he did exactly what was asked. Why continue to bombard him with insults?

I wasn't a happy hammer under Curbs, but we achieved what we needed to. What has Pardew gone on to do? Nothing! Don't get me wrong I loved Pardew as a personality and he got us up and into the FA Cup final, two things I will never forget, but the man was taking us down to the fizzy pop league.

Maybe you should drop some grudges and look at things realistically. You like looking at stats, maybe you should look at the one important stat, we are still in the Premier League. If you are writing a book on this, you really need to become more receptive to other people's opinions otherwise your entire book is going to be one sided and never get published.

As I said earlier last season, I didn't enjoy last season because we were a boring team, but I think the reason we were so boring is because there was nothing to get worked up about. Look at it like this:

Season 1 - Relegation
Season 2 - Lose Play off final
Season 3 - Win Play off final
Season 4 - FA Cup Final
Season 5 - Fight for our lives in a relegation dog fight
Season 6 - Nothing
This Season fighting for Europe.

So was it the football that was boring or the season? Look at things from more than one perspective for a change otherwise you will never become an author.

Phil The Tinkler

Where was Upson?

So where was Upson last night? I'm not talking about the original selection, I am not myopic enough to think that he will get into the England side ahead of Terry and Ferdinand, but why didn't he come on when Ferdinand went off injured? After playing in 6 of the last 7 games, without letting the side down, why wasn't he the first man that Capello turned to when Rio went for an early bath? Jagielka? Really? This was the guy who gave away possession for the first Spain goal and who looked the more uncertain of the centre backs all game. Protecting a slender one goal lead as we were, I was shocked to see the fourth choice coming on ahead of the third. What was Capello up to?

Of course, apologists for Fabio will point to the fact that we did not surrender the lead and so the decision was vindicated, but the ex Shafting United man did give away two free kicks in his short time on the pitch, and the only way that Ukraine were going to score was from a set play, so he can hardly have been described as having a stormer! What was going on? I hope Upson didn't express displeasure when left out, so blotting his copy book. I don't think Fabio takes too kindly to players questioning his decisions.

And what about the rest? Well talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous! We looked fantastic on Saturday but from kick off, we showed Ukraine far too much respect - we almost looked scared and I can't work out why. James was awful and Cole was even worse. Terry scored that crucial goal but, at the back, seemed to struggle when challenging for the ball in the air. Is his back playing him up? Johnson didn't have a good game either and the Ukraine goal came from a rebound off his body. Barry collected his yellow far too early and might have been sent off by a more fussy referee whilst Lennon looked what he is, a speed merchant whose brain can't keep up with his feet. And I'm sorry but Lampard and Gerrard seemed to be on different wavelengths again. Even Beckham looked subdued, although inevitably it was from his cross that we scored the winner. Crouch took his goal well but didn't convince me - although his scoring record for England is sensational, averaging very close to one goal every two games. Carlton Cole critics take note, Heskey doesn't score as many as Crouch but England look so much better when Emile plays. Which brings us to Rooney. He stood out like the real jewel, the true World Class player but Rooney is Rooney - in a World Cup he might see red for THAT challenge, even though he connected with the ball first. Lampard and Gerrard both looked away wincing, fearing the worst.

We will still win the World Cup but only if we can keep Rooney fit and on the pitch. Argentina won it once with an ordinary team supporting Maradonna; we have a good team supporting Rooney so are actually stronger. We still have Defoe, Cole and Walcott to come into this squad and Hargreaves might recover to take Barry's place at some point. Left back and goalkeeper are the big headaches, that and Rooney's fitness, both physical and mental!

The Turning of a Gooner (Marty and Son's Story)

Soon after I first posted on the now mordant org, there was a very good discussion about our memories of “the great escape”. I contributed with the story of my son who, seven years old at the time and an Arsenal fan like his grandfather, watched the first win in our amazing run. For one reason and another he watched every game thereafter and became a kind of talisman. Anyway, I incurred the wrath of the reverend delMonte for my failure to ensure that my son worshipped at the claret and blue altar. When I admitted that it was indeed partly my fault, even the normally mild mannered archbishop Aycliffe saw fit to castigate me with words that to this day send a shiver down my spine.

But then, last summer whilst walking down the architecturally staggering streets of the city of Milton Keynes, who should I bump into? Only the legend that is Billy Bonds. “Look son” I said “that’s Billy Bonds, my favourite player from when I was a lad!” He didn’t believe me, so I walked up to Billy and, gentleman that he is, he gave me a few minutes of his time. My lad’s jaw dropped and when he saw that around the corner were the boys of ’66 doing a signing, he was star struck. I pointed out to him that the one’s on either end (perhaps there is truth in that rumour) were Hurst and Peters, also, I told my son, West Ham legends; and that dear old Bobby Moore should have been there too.

Later that afternoon he said to me, “Dad, when you get me a new football kit can I have a West Ham one?” The clouds parted, the sun burst through and a chorus of angels sang. “Haaaaallelujah!! Hallelujah, Hallelujah” I was onto the club shop next morning and within forty eight hours I was dropping him off at training……………in claret and blue.

“Nice kit” said his coach, who was fed up with seeing the usual big four colours. My little heart fair burst out of my chest with pride.

And so we come full circle; he will be receiving his first communion at the holy chapel of the Boleyn when we play Sunderland………… and I can’t wait!!

(Story told by El Martillo. Any other stories of conversions on the way to John Lewis or of fond memories that are West Ham related - let me know and I will post them!)

Shearer Nonsense! Wake Me Up When You Go Go!

Can you Adam and Eve it? King Kev is dead, long live King Al! How many times has Shearer turned down the job at Newscastle? Now with zero personal accountability because he can't buy and can't sell and so has a ready made excuse for failure, he walks back into Newscastle on a "Heads I win, Tails I win" basis. Newscastle avoid the drop and it will all be down to Shearer; Newscastle go down, well what chance did the lad stand with only eight games to save them?

Remember how Curbishley claimed the credit for saving us on the back of the Great Escape? The truth of the matter is, of course, that his appalling management took us to the brink and beyond, only for a miraculous series of beneficial coincidences, triggered by the goal that never was at Blackburn, to save us. If Newscastle do go down, Shearer will have played just as big a negative part as Curbishley because he has behaved in an incredibly selfish way all season, flirting with the job and, in the process, undermining the incumbents. Now he returns like the Messiah, walking on the Tyne, safe in the knowledge that he can only take the plaudits, not the brickbats.

I do hope he falls flat on his face. He has bored us senseless on Match of The Day so I struggle to see how he can be inspirational in the dressing room. What's that noise drowning out your team talk Alan? Snoring?

Or is this all an April Fool? Hang on, I laughed at Old Skool and I've just put my head into the noose! You couldn't write it!

Obama Indeed! Old Skool Check Your Diary!

Oh dear, there's always somebody ready to take the bait! Anybody else fall for the "Obama to make a secret visit to Upton Park" story? Some eager soul has released the April the First edition a few hours early and the best wit on the mordant org has fallen for it, hook, line and sinker!

No News Is Bad News

Am I the only one getting more and more worried as the days then weeks roll by with no news of a buyer for West Ham? The out of court settlement with Shafting United was supposed to have tied up the loose ends and cleared the decks for the sale of the club; instead, it has opened the door for more and more compensation claims, with no apparent limitation on what we might yet have to shell out because of the Tevez fiasco. Who in his right mind would buy the club given this scenario?

Now look at this situation from the point of view of BG's creditors. When they got together this month, they were no doubt told about the impending settlement. Suddenly the propects of finding a buyer looked so much brighter. With an end to the Tevez affair in sight, and the damage quantified, prospective bidders could put a value on the club and that value would inevitably be higher with West Ham's position in the Premiership secured for next season. Why enforce administration on that basis and, in so doing, cut off your nose to spite your face by triggering a points deduction and so plunging the club deep into the relegation mire?

But suddenly everything stinks if you are one of those creditors. Far from quantifying the financial damage of the Tevez affair, the settlement has encouraged a pack of jackals to snap about our heels. Fulham want money, Warnock wants money, Horsfield wants money, Sanchez wants money, the whole bloody world wants money - and we have accepted that we were in the wrong by agreeing to stump up the dosh to Sheffield United. Where does this stop?

Well there is a frighteningly simple answer. The creditors simply say 'stuff this' and wind up the holding company, seizing the assets and putting the club into immediate administration. They will have first call on the money and there will be none left for Warnock and co once the first charge debts have been settled.

What they do from there is anybody's guess. Do they sell the club as a going concern or liquidate the assets? The playing staff would realise them approximately £88 million (Green £8m, Upson £8m, Parker £8m, Savio £5m, Collison £5m, Collins £4m, Behrami £12m, Noble £6m, Tomkins £5m, Ashton £8m, Cole £8m, Dyer £2m, Spector £1m, Davenport £2m, Faubert £3m and £3m for the kids) and I would guess the ground to be worth £50m for redevelopment as housing. That figure of £138m may well seem more appealing to the merchant bankers than the bids rumoured to be in the region of £100m which, to date, have not materialised. It might just make financial sense to shut the club down!

We are not out of the woods yet and as each day goes by without news, so the worry increases.

I Am Faint, My Gashes Cry For Help

A debate has begun on the number of injuries suffered in the modern Premiership against those incurred in the 70s. One argument is that nothing has changed, the other that the speed of the modern game has greatly increased the number of injuries.

I do not have the statistics to hand but logic suggests that there should be less injuries now than in the seventies. To begin, free rein is no longer given to the likes of Chopper Harris, Norman Hunter, Joe Jordan, Tommy Smith and all the other hit them first and hit them hard merchants who made a career out of intimidation. I once watched Harris take Johnny Ayris out with a boot to his chin within two minutes of kick off. The message was clear to our young winger, "Try to take the ball past me and you are a dead man". Ayris avoided the ball like the plague for the rest of the game! Some tackles back then used to make the stadium tremble, never mind the leg of the victim. We see reruns of Neill's challenge on Cattermole in the Wigan game but that was a meat and drink tackle as far as the hard men of the 70s were concerned.

Then there were the pitches. Today they play on crown bowling greens, but back then the pitches by February resembled the Somme. Now the pitch is blamed if a player's foot gives way under him and an injury is incurred, back then boots literally disappeared beneath the mud at places like the Baseball Ground. Surely the joints were at greater risk on rutted and muddy pitches than they are now?

And fitness regimes have also supposedly improved. We are now talking Sports Science not running up and down the pitch carrying a medicine ball in between fags. If these fitness gurus are worth their salt, surely they should be able to tune the players to the right level to maximise performance whilst minimising stress on the body?

So why then are modern players struck down so often with injury? Why is the 100% present man such a rarity these days? Why has logic been stood on its head?

Some point to the pace of the game but I don't buy that. So what that the game is quicker, if the training is right, the muscles and joints should cope. I don't see top tennis pros going down with so many injuries (Andy Murray apart!) and they put their bodies under much greater physical stress than footballers, with many more muscles called upon in short stressful bursts over a longer period of play. An epic tennis game can last two hours, and the very next day the player can be out on court again. If Nadal can do it, and do it all season, why can't a footballer?

Either the training isn't right, or the players are molly coddled. Brian Clough famously told Eddie Gray that if he was a racehorse he would have been shot because of his injuries. As far as Cloughie was concerned Gray was a malingerer, somebody who played up the niggles and turned a twinge into a reason not to play. Using the yardstick of Gray, Beano should be in a tin of Pedigree Chum by now and Dyer should have been wiped from the bottom of a shoe years back!

I suspect that agents, supported by the medical boffins, now over protect the players. What now constitute injuries would have been seen as niggles back then. The "pain killing" injection would have been given in the 70s and the player would be out on the pitch, earning his salary, rather than lying flat on his back in the treatment room. When he arrived at Tottenham, George Graham stripped out the home comforts from the treatment room and told Lazarus Anderton and his injured acolytes to roll up their sick beds and walk. Overnight, the number of Sick Notes reduced dramatically. Is it a coincidence that the arrival of a new manager saw our injury list reduce as players battled to impress the new guy; has familiarity brought security and resulted in players feeling the twinge that four months ago they put to the backs of their mind?

Zola thought our squad was too big but perhaps that's because Zola was thinking like a player who would do anything to get out on the pitch and play. Sadly, some now seem to have a very different agenda. But I must stop writing now, the flesh on the end of my index finger is feeling terribly tender!

Bill Brewer Considering Compensation Claim

Bill Brewer is the latest to join the queue to sue West Ham over the Carlos Tevez affair. Brewer, who claims to have lost his job as a toilet cleaner because of mental illness following the relegation of Sheffield United, is confident that his claim has as much merit as that of Warnock and his players.

Brewer, a resident of Norwich, told journalists from the East Anglia Times that the relegation of Sheffield United had sent him into a deep depression. "I am not a Sheffield United supporter myself," he said, "but I do believe in the importance of fair play. There has to be the same rules for everybody and common standards, otherwise where do we stand?"

Visibly trembling as he spoke, Brewer added, "Look at me, even now I am a nervous wreck. I lost my centre of gravity when this happened. I couldn't believe it. How could the Premier League turn a blind eye to a third party agreement that might have forced West Ham not to pick a player on the instruction of somebody not connected with the club? On that basis Manchester United could have insisted that Everton didn't pick their first choice keeper for a crucial title deciding fixture against the boys from Manchester. If that was allowed, United could conceivably come back from two goals down and win the fixture based on the errors of a teenage replacement."

Sipping from a can of Tesco Value Lager, Brewer continued, "I was perfectly happy in my job until the Tevez affair broke. From that point onwards it was as if my life had stopped, nothing mattered any more, nothing made any sense. So what if there were skid marks on a pan, if West Ham could flout the rules like this, what was the point? Within days I found myself unable to work. In fact, even now, I find it almost impossible to leave the house except to go down the pub."

And Brewer is not alone in preparing a claim. "I know of others," he said. "From what I've been told, West Ham can expect similar claims from Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all!"

Curbishley, The Gypsy, and Global Economic Melt Down

Just when we thought the new medical set up at West Ham had cured all our ills, along comes the injury jinx again to lay low half our squad. It was Curbishley's out dated training regime and a bunch of quacks who were responsible for all the injuries we were told. Well, it seems that may have been so much tosh.

Still no Gabbidon or Beano, but that's hardly a surprise. Add to that list Dyer's recurring woes, Collins, Behrami, Luis Boa-Morte (every cloud has a silver lining), Upson, Collison and now Carlton Goals. Suddenly we are competing at the top of the Sick Note League again!

Personally I still blame Turds. He should have bought that sprig of heather off that gypsy the day he arrived to take the job. I mean, he spent all that money on Ljungberg, surely he could have found a pound to avoid a curse?

The Tevez affair, all those injuries, the Icelandic Banking Crisis, the Global Economic Melt Down - it's all Curbishley's fault! I tell you what, the G12 should pass a resolution to find that gypsy quick and buy her a new caravan. In fact, they could give her Alan's and the brown Volvo into the bargain. Until she is appeased, nothing will be good!

A Self Confessed Swine - Sanchez Stirs the Muck

Sanchez says it all for himself, "If everyone else is sticking their nose in the trough then perhaps I need to have a look at it. As manager of the team, I must have lost out financially in some way." So the guy admits to being a pig, low life swine trying to swill from the trough. How sad is that?

For the record Lawrie, Fulham only escaped relegation because Liverpool picked a reserve team for their game at the Craving Cottage. If any team, other than Sheffield United themselves, relegated the Blunted Blades, it was Liverpool by picking an under strength team for that vital relegation decider. If any single man was responsible for the relegation of Shafting United, other than Warlock himself, it was Bentitez - he did it, in the Cottage, with the stiffs!

As for you Lawrie, you did your best to get Fulham relegated. Your tactics were a throw back to the days of the Wombles - high ball, long ball, high boot drudgery. Look what happened the following season after you had built "your team", a team in your own image, it took a mirwickle from Woy formerly of the Wovers to save the club from wellygation.

Compensation? Stop squealing like a stuck pig and look in the mirror. All compensation claimers are equal but some compensation claimers are less equal than others. Pigs usually wallow in shit, but in your case Lawrie, it sums up your ability!

How Good a Super Hero is Herita Ilunga?

Well to begin, I have to nail my colours to the mast - Herita is a Horatio of mine if only because it was his arrival that facilitated the departure of The Beatle, which in turn prompted Turds to jump ship without a compensatory life jacket. For that alone, he deserves Hammer of the Year! No, sod it, for that alone, he deserves to be enrolled in the West Ham Hall of Fame! One day they will write comics featuring the superhero Herito Man who, with the help of his sometimes seen sidekick Lopez Man, saves Boleyn City from the curse of the arch villian Turds who had sent the entire city into a deep sleep destined to last for a thousand, million years! Herito Man, we love you baby!

So perhaps I am just a little bit biased here. I would send the guy out in a shirt bearing the name "Turds Slayer" on the back and call him Man of Every Match before kick off! But what about his footballing ability?

Hold on to your hats because this is going to seem controversial: in my opinion, he is the best West Ham left back I have ever seen. What? Tea spat over computers! Lap tops thrown through windows! Union Jack Bull Dog tatoos with Dicksy Rools bared for nervous wives to see! Calm down lads, calm down, it's only an opinion! Let me explain.

Now, assessing the whole player, of course "Julian West Ham to the Core Except When I Joined Liverpool Dicks" gave the team much more than Herito ever will. He scored goals. And not just goals... but screamers. Dicksy's record is awesome and, apart from the contribution of Tonker Stewart, will always be beyond compare. But I am not talking about the whole player, I am talking about the position of left back.

Transport Julian to the 'here and now' and he would struggle as a left back. Yes, there will always be a place for a player with a hammer of a shot like that, but how many games would he actually finish as a left back in the yellow and red card frenzy of the modern Premiership? Not many!

Herito does the job of a left back, plain and simple. Apart from slaying the demonic Turds, he is not the team's Superhero and has no aspirations to fulfil that role. He seems a humble soul, a good, honest, take me for what I am, confident, competent, composed and consistent defender who will get forward and offer an attacking option when the situation allows. He maintains good positional discipline, he reads the game well, he tackles well, he retains possession well. He is a left back, plain and simple, and is just what the team needs.

Konch recently reminded us all of how good a left footed screamer can be, but would anybody take Onecap in exchange for Herito? I doubt it! And there, in a nutshell, is why Herito is the best LEFT BACK I have seen in a West Ham shirt, because that is his position. Julian was always a rampager first and a full back second, a pirate rather than a naval rating, serving his own instincts rather than the discipline of the Navy. It was great to watch when it worked but how many goals did Dicksy cost us because, when possession was lost, the left back was absent without leave?

Those tats have been bared again haven't they? I can see the growling teeth! Ladies and Thugs, I give you the League Cup semifinal against Luton. Remember the piggy back ride Dicksy took to give away the penalty? I don't think Herito will ever do that, he relies more on the superhuman powers of staying in position, closing and covering! Not the most exciting super powers I give you, but just what Commisssioner Nani ordered when he got on the Bat Phone!

Most Overrated Player - Jealousy Knows No Bounds

Just looked in on the mordant org and checked out a forum on who is the most overrated player currently playing. Would you believe some morons have listed John Terry? The guy was / is rated by Hiddink, Capello, Errikson, Ranieri, Scolari and Mouriniho no less. Clearly this bunch know absolutely nothing about football!

Where do these jealous idiots think they are coming from? You can only begin to imagine if they had the intelligence to be physicists! Einstein? Useless, know nothing, a plastic physicist! Hawking? What does he know?

Do these people not realise how stupid they look when they come out with this nonsense? And what about patriotism? Terry is the England captain for pity's sake!

Mind you, my least favourite, letter writing dwarf takes the award for the most absurd reply! Grumpy announced that the most overrated player was not Stewart Downing or Robinhio or Wayne Bridge or Babel or, based on Real Madrid signing him, Faubert; no, the most overrated player has 109 caps for England, has won every club honour in the game and has played for Manchester United, Real Madrid and A C Milan - clearly the guy must be a clown with that CV!

How, tell me how, can anybody be so myopic as to call Beckham the most overrated player in the game? Moronic, truly, truly moronic. I have really enjoyed watching Beckham over the years; it is such a shame his Dad didn't raise him as a Hammer!

The Cream Comes To The Top

I remember the blue tits pecking through the lids of milk bottles and the joy of that creamy top on sugar puffs first thing in the morning - that was in the days before homogenized milk, homogenized politics and homogenized television. But watching England tonight, it was good to see that the cream still comes to the top.

There are some, many of whom wear Claret & Blue, who resent Beckham surpassing Moore's record number of caps for an outfield player; but tonight showed exactly why he deserves it. By the time Moore was Beckham's age, he was a shot bolt, over filling a Fulham shirt in semi-retirement. Beckham, incredibly for a midfield player, actually looks as fit today as when he first broke into the England team. In fact, physically, I would have money on him having a higher muscle to fat ratio now than when he made his England debut. The discipline of the guy, given he is a multi-millionaire so does not need to be playing, is awesome.

But it is not just his fitness that takes your breath away. That cross for Rooney's header was sheer magic. On a plate, as they used to say, and Rooney dispatched it in the most perfect way possible. How many times has Beckham done that now, come on as a substitute and delivered the best pass / cross of the game? He hasn't got the pace of a Lennon or a Walcott and so rightly is not picked ahead of them, but for sheer class, only Rooney is his equal.

We looked so good tonight. The movement and inter changing of positions was awesome at times. Gerrard and Lampard can certainly play together under Capello - both were brilliant. Rooney was all over the place and bagged yet another goal. Heskey impressed, that missed header apart, in his short time on the pitch. Barry looked strong and secure. Carrick played a killer pass in his short time on the pitch. Lennon looked at home. Ashley Cole looked back to his best. James made a great save and Foster had nothing to do second half which suggests the defence did OK. We are going to win the World Cup. Seriously, we are!

How Good was Bobby Moore?

A particularly obnoxious little runt with a proclivity for writing letters of complaint to Big Brother recently opined in his inimitable fashion that Bobby Moore would not survive in the modern game. Now given this guy is supposed to be a West Ham fan, I thought that was a bit of a jock strap tightener and it certainly had me squealing. Bobby Moore, the only England player I have seen in my lifetime (apart maybe from Banks) who would get anywhere near an All Time World XI, not good enough for the modern game? Really?

Sadly the individual concerned declines debate so there is little prospect of getting him to explain this outlandish statement. If he means that Moore's fitness levels and personal lifestyle would not fit the modern era then fair enough, but what footballer from the 50's, 60's or 70's would be able to cope with the physical demands of the modern game? None. Even Colin Bell would be shagged inside 45 minutes! But that is missing the point. Transport the player to the modern era and you would transport him to modern training, fitness and dietary regimes (unless his name is Beano Ashton!). The 2009 version of Bobby Moore would know the dangers of fags and best bitter and would be conditioned on the training field to cope with the physical stresses of the super fast modern game.

Let's remember that despite his playboy lifestyle, Moore was a determined individual who overcame cancer to pursue his playing dreams. Yes the game is faster now but I would love to see Torres and co playing on Baseball Ground style mudbaths and coping with up to 60 games over a season. And the game was harder then. Giles, Bremner, Jack Charlton, Chopper Harris, Peter Storey, Norman Hunter...the roll call of names alone is enough make your shins ache and the cartilage pop out of your knee caps. These players made the game so much harder physically and it is true that they would never have been able to translate their games to the modern era, the red card would be waved in their faces before they made it out of the dressing room!

So what is it exactly about Moore that would not have translated to the Premiership and international stage in 2009? Is there no place for a range of passing equalled only in my lifetime by Glenn Hoddle? Dear God, when I hear the eulogies for Beckham when he plays a forty yard pass with the modern light weight ball, I wonder how the commentators would have coped with a Moore pass played from the edge of his own box to bounce perfectly in front of Hurst to facilitate a thumping half volley shot that near burst the back of the net. Long ball? Not when Moore did it, the pass was pinpoint in direction and weight and arrived at the foot of the receiver gift wrapped with claret and blue ribbons attached. Look at the delivery of the ball for the goals in the World Cup Final. This was from a centre back, a defender, not from the midfield magician. Beckham does it and we hear, "He's worth his place in the team for that alone". Well Moore stepped forward to deliver Beckham balls into the box from free kicks and Peters and Hurst gobbled the gifts like the Hebrews feasted upon their manna from Heaven.

So perhaps the poison dwarf was referring to Moore's habit of reading the game so that he rarely had to tackle. Well that is strange because the gripe from the old pros is that the modern game is killing the art of tackling. "It's a man's game, there's nothing wrong with a good hard tackle". Well Moore thought so. His defending was not based on clogging or blocking, but on reading the intentions of the opposition. Like a goal poacher attracts the ball to his foot in the opposition box, so Moore had this uncanny ability to KNOW where the ball was going to be played and to get there ahead of the opposition striker. It was intuition, a special skill that cannot be taught. Owen, Lineker and Greaves had it as strikers; Lampard seems to possess it this season; Peters had it when he ghosted into the box; but Moore and Beckenbauer were the only two defenders I have seen who read the game with the same degree of intuition. Defenders do not appear the brightest biscuits in the cookie jar, which is why strikers find it so easy to get across them, but Moore and his Kaiser counterpart were the exceptions to that rule.

So perhaps it is pace? But the whole point about Moore is that he never depended upon speed, not speed in the legs at least, his speed was in the head, this art of seeing the game five seconds ahead of the play, knowing what was about to happen as if he had seen the film before and so was able to predict the future. Of course he made mistakes, of course he was done from time to time, of course the West Ham teams he played in shipped goals like Carson in an England shirt. But I don't think Moore really cared. For him it was a game and perhaps that's where he may have struggled in the modern day. "So we lost, but we had a bloody good night out in Blackpool didn't we?" kind of attitude! The modern manager couldn't cope with that but I suspect that Moore would see life differently now - a win or clean sheet bonus of ten grand would probably have given him a little more day to day, match to match, minute to minute focus. If Rio can learn consistency, I'm damn sure Moore would have!

But to nail the heresy finally I point you to that epic World Cup tussle with Pele and Brazil in 1970. That Brazil team were the best the world has ever seen. They ripped Italy apart in the final and survive to this day as a pantheon of footballing gods - CARLOS ALBERTO, JAIRZINHO, TOSTAO, RIVELINO, PAULO CESAR and PELE . Look at the England side. Outside of Moore, Banks and Peters, we were, in truth, nothing that special. Hurst struggled with the heat, Charlton was past his best, Labone only managed 26 caps, Wright was lightweight, Franny Lee was the opposite! On paper we should have been mullered and but for the brilliance of two men, Banks (one great save) and Moore, we would have been. At the end of that game, as they swapped shirts, the great Pele said to Moore, "See you in the final". The respect was mutual, two of the greatest footballing talents the world has seen had come head to head and, despite the score, the honours were even. But Pele had been at the pinacle of a brilliant team, a team powered by a Ferrari engine; Moore was the cotter pin that held a rickety penny farthing of a side together. To have exited that game the equal of Pele in the circumstances was nothing short of incredible. Despite the heat, despite Bogotta, despite the limitations of the players around him, Moore had matched Pele and won his undying respect.

How dare anybody suggest that Moore would have been found wanting in the modern game. Moore was made for football in the C21st - a defender who did not tackle because he didn't need to with the ability to hit a lead weight of a ball sixty yards up the field onto the foot of his own player. That sort of quality today would command the same values as Kaka! My challenge, Beckenbauer apart, is for anybody to name me somebody his equal!

How Good is Carlton Goals?

Now this is one to get debate raging. Listen to some, and you would believe Carlton is the clumsiest yard dog this side of Dowie & Small; listen to others, including Capello, and he is an England striker. How can one player provoke such opposing views? How on Earth can we have a player in the England squad who a sizable chunk of our fan base seems to think is, at best ordinary, and at worst plain crap? Are England strikers really that thin on the ground?

Cole's detractors will point to a poor goals per game ratio and his inability to slot it home when through one on one with the keeper. Listen to them and you will hear that Ashton is three times the player Cole will ever be, even whilst spending every winter flat on his back in the treatment room. Ashton scores goals, Ashton has quality, Ashton is naturally more gifted. Yarde yarde yah. Does Ashton come in any other colour? We have him in noire!

And sometimes I wonder if that is the problem, it's not just that Carlton is an ex-Blue, he's black and blue into the bargain. Think of all our classic bête noires - Ince, Defoe, Reo-Choker - and (fat Frank apart) they are all a blacker shade of pale. Is the luke warm acceptance of Carlton down to latent racism, a hang over from the banana throwing Clyde Best days? Just as it is easy to identify the colour of those the fans most love to hate , so it is just as hard to think of a black player that the Upton Park faithful have taken long term to their hearts. A roll call of West ham favourites? Moore, Hurst, Peters, Bonds, Devonshire, Brooking, Stewart, Ludo, Dicks, Ward, Di Canio, Behrami, Collison, Green, Upson... Your starter for ten, what do they all have in common? Curbishley acted in exactly the same way as Defoe when we were relegated, slapping in a transfer request and sulking until allowed to go by an infuriated John Lyall, but the Claret and Blue Klan were happy to welcome him back as manager. Bilic was calling Everton a "bigger club" than us before the ink was dry on the Everton offer, but you would have struggled to find half a dozen Hammers who wouldn't have had him as our boss before the appointment of Zola. The real traitors, it seems are black or fat in Upton Park folk lore. The fans tolerate the black players, but they don't take them to their hearts it seems to me. Even Ilunga has had his critics despite having a truly outstanding season.

So Cole perhaps should not expect to be loved, but can't he at least be admired? This season he has netted 9 goals in 25 Premiership games, better than one goal in every three games, and only one of those goals, against Bolton, has been in a losing cause. Without his goals we would be in real trouble because we would have nine less points now - and 32 points would put us deep in relegation trouble.

And it's not as if Cole has been netting ordinary goals that any old striker would put away. The goals against Newcastle and Wigan (both away) were right out of the top drawer. And remember he won us a penalty against Fulham into the bargain. This is in the context of a goal shy season with the team averaging just a goal a game since Zola has been in charge. Given that fact, for Cole to have accumulated 9 in the league and another two in the cups is impressive. And this scoring ratio isn't a recent phenomenon - he has netted 20 goals from 62 starts over his West Ham career, despite being an in and out understudy before this season.

And goal scoring is, by common consent, the weakest aspect of Carlton's game. He is not a Michael Owen, a natural fox in the box striker. Cole is a workhorse, a genuine target man who drops deep to link the play, holds up the ball before bringing others into the game and stands cheek to jowel with the John Terrys and Vidic's of this world, taking the bruises for the team. Listen to Kovac, he has said how important Cole is to the all round team play. Carlton's contributions this season have, in my opinion, been immense. Take the epic rear guard actions at Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal. Carlton didn't score but he did as much as anybody else to protect those clean sheets, defending from the front for 90 minutes and occupying both centre backs single handedly. But what do I hear from his critics? He missed a sitter against Chelsea and he never looked like scoring against either Arsenal, United or Liverpool. Amazing. I remember Owen, Shearer and Greaves failing to beat a keeper when through one on one, but when they don't score, they get credit for getting into the position to score. "Give him three chances and he scores one!" the neutral pundit drools. When it is Cole, his own fans label him useless! Tell me, who else has been through one on one with the keeper this season? Bellyache missed a few but was still being hailed a hero before he packed his bags for City. And who else? Somehow Cole gets into that position when nobody else seems to manage it. He deserves credit for that, not criticism!

How good is Cole? Well I think he is twice the player he was last season. He is maturing, emerging as a quality striker who has a greater positional awareness and vision. His eye for goal is still a little myopic but as his confidence grows, so that aspect of his game will improve. Before his England call up, I predicted that Carlton would get more England caps than Ashton, and if he plays on Saturday he will be in pole position already, at least a season ahead of anything I expected. He isn't the finshed article yet, Zola, Clarke and Capello are still polishing him, but there aren't many better England qualified strikers around - and if the rumours about Juve were right, Zola isn't his only Italian admirer. We haven't had many players linked with a move to Juventus so perhaps the fans who refuse to see Carlton's strengths should take this as a hint that they are missing something. I, for one, rate Cole very highly indeed and am proud to have a West Ham number 12 in the England squad. The question is, will Beano be required to surrender the number 9 shirt next season to a player who takes the knocks, picks himself up and carries on playing? Carlton at least makes it onto the pitch, an example that it would good to see Beano follow.

Floccari of Doves?

I have no idea how good this Floccari guy is but the fact that we are in for him is very exciting. £14 million? Now either nobody has told Nani that BG is facing insolvency or somebody has tipped him that, come the summer, we will definitely be solvent and in the market with comparative shed loads of dosh. Let's hope it is the latter!

I read that players will be moved on - we can guess who they are providing we can find takers - and that the squad will be strengthened. Not so long ago all the talk was of points deductions, fire sales and ongoing legal actions. Now we are being linked with £14million signings! Amazing!

A Flock of Doves is described in the Urban Dictionary as "The act of pulling out two guns and blasting your enemies away in slow motion, while wearing a suit and sunglasses and walking through a flock of doves just taking flight." It sounds like next season at Upon Park might just be an action packed thriller! I say bring on the cockerals in place of those doves and let's get blasting !

Safe As Houses. But Some Warn of Falling House Values Next Year!

That's it then, we have 41 points so wont be going down based on what happens on the football pitch and today is the deadline for points deductions in the event of a club going into administration. So, what ever happens to BG and his holding companies, any points deduction will be carried over to next season. Break open the champagne!

So, the pressure is off for now. Hopefully there is a deal being put together to buy us and all this talk of further legal action over Tevez will come to nothing. Dare we start to think about signing new players?

The shallow nature of the squad is the big worry at the moment. Do we own Ilunga? If not, we haven't got a left back. Do we even want Di Michele? I would say thanks but Arrivederci personally. Tristan surely must be packing his bags already. What about Kovac? I like the look of him but not in a midfield pairing with Parker, unless Collison and Behrami are going to be given more license to range forward. From what he says, we are not keen on stumping up the fee to buy him. Lopez? He looks as if he has shed a stone since the Watford game (his only start) but is he any cop? Zola seems to see him as an absolutely last resort. What happens with Bowyer, Downpipe and Quashi? Do they return in the summer? And then there is Luis Rigor Mortis, what is to be done with him? And Faubert's arse of course!

To compete next season we need a new right back, an alternative left back (assuming Ilunga is still ours) and a goal scoring striker; and possibly a creative, goal scoring midfielder. Suggestions anybody?

The new Frank Lampard?

Is Collison the real deal, our new Frank Lampard? The thing that strikes me most is the boy's confidence. He WANTS the ball and wants it in key areas. Against Boro at home in the cup he missed a sitter, blasting over when he should have squared to Di Michele or Tristan, but he was there, at the far stick, further forward than any other player, and he had the balls to let fly. Yes the decision to shoot was wrong, but in our side, a player confident enough to shoot is a precious commodity.

Look at him against City. Never mind the finish, and that goal was beautifully taken, look at the run that took him into the box in the first place. Savio is quick but not quick enough to leave Collison in his wake. As Nsureko broke forward, there was Collison bursting through the middle, actually pointing at the space he wanted the ball played into. Savio chose to shoot instead and who was on hand to sniff in the box as Given parried? Not Cole or Di Michele, the guys paid to do that job, but Collison. That sort of awareness, that sort of hunger to get into goal scoring positions, is rare.

Who does it in the modern game? Lampard, Gerrard, Ronaldo, Giggs, Cahill, Ireland, special players because they read the game and somehow take up positions that others don't see. It is as if the ball is drawn to them, they gamble and time and again, unlike Ethers, they back a winner. Now I accept that it might be going too far to say Collison has that knack based on three goals but that is a good return for a 19 year old playing in a goal shy team that doesn't create bucket fulls of chances. Crucially, the kid has key defensive duties in the formation that Zola picks. Look at Behrami. He is all energy, loads of endeavour, but how often does he actually make it into the opposition box? He is being lauded as a West Ham great but that is more down to sweat and graft than down to any end product from what I have seen. Think again of the City game. Who forced Given into his only meaningful save in the first half? You've got it, Collison, breaking into the left hand corner of the box and driving low towards the bottom corner. The movement and confidence were Lampard like.

So is he that good? Only time will tell of course but confidence, an ability to read the game and quick feet are key ingredients for a quality player. The boy can control a ball, the boy can pick a pass (look at that through ball to Cole against Wigan), the boy can knock in a cross, the boy can dribble, the boy can score, the boy can play down the right, the left or down the middle, the boy can tackle...there's only one mystery. With all that ability, why on earth did he opt to play for Wales when he was qualified for England? Will he become the new Giggs? What a shame he never got to grace the final stages of a World Cup because he opted to play for Wales!

(Denbighammer says) The Long Ball Isn't Always The Wrong Ball

In my opinion our football is a bit too slow and predicatable at the moment. I watched the 1976 European game v.Frankfurt on YoutTube last night, our 1989 league cup win over Liverpool and some other games and I can't believe

A) How many chances we created over the course of a game and

B) How direct we were at times, even players like Dev and Sir Trev getting the ball forward to the strikers and bypassing midfield at times.

We've got to mix it up people! The short interpassing is great on the eye but the long ball can be a very effective weapon if used sparingly - as Liverpool have demonstrated in recent games.

Curbishley over used the "lump and hope" but is Zola under utilising the long ball? Remember how Sears got that one and only goal? Long ball, headed on by Ashton and bingo!

So, should we mix it up more?

(Marty Says) Ashton is 30 Years Behind The Times

Dean Ashton seems to me like a player who would have been better off playing in the sixties or seventies, times when a fag at half time and a pint or three was the norm after match. I'm not suggesting that Deano is a chain smoking alcoholic, but that he is suited to a time when sportsmen were not such athletic specimens.

Players these days are very highly tuned and not every body is capable of maintaining these levels of fitness without constantly breaking down. In the old days a cartilage operation could signal the end of a career, but at the same time it was commonplace for players to play every match in a season, whereas now it is a feat worthy of mention in end of season dispatches.

Less highly tuned bodies, although not capable of the athletic feats of today's players, were more capable of dealing with the week in, week out physical demands. Let's not forget that in those days football was also a contact sport.

The thing that strikes me about Deano's physical state is how "tight" he is. There is very little flexibility for a young man and although he is obviously technically gifted, he can't run and he can't jump. He has missed three seasons now and I doubt that he will ever make a sustained impression for us, so if we were offered anything over ten million I would take it.

Do you agree? £10 million a good price for Beano or not?

How Good is Ashton?

With rumours of an impending come back, now seems the right time to muse upon the ability of Beano. Is he the real deal as some suspect or a nearly man destined to fall short of greatness?

To be honest, any conviction on this point must be misplaced. At times Ashton has looked the dog's danglers, but for most of his time at West Ham, he might as well have been at the vets waiting to be put down. People bang on about the ankle injury and blame Curbishley and his NHS medical team for rushing back Ashton too early, but they forget that the guy arrived from Norwich wearing more bandages and strapping than a Hammer Horror mummy. He nearly missed the Cup Final with injury remember! His body is fragile, there's no getting away from that, and long lay offs take their toll, especially when you eat more pizza than a mutant ninja turtle. But that, I believe, is only half the problem.

Some athletes get hurt and don't let it bother them. I can think of Lance Armstrong, Gary Mabbutt and Frank Lampard as three examples of sportsmen who will do anything and everything they can to compete. You're not telling me that Frank hasn't played through pain over the years, there's no way he could play so often without sometimes doing so in defiance of aches and strains.

There are others, however, who almost seem to yearn for the warmth and comfort of the treatment room, the sporting sick notes headed by the likes of Darren Anderton, Chris Old (who once missed a test match because he strained stomach muscles sneezing!) and Michael Owen. Maybe their bodies are particularly frail, maybe there is a phsyical explanation; or maybe there are psychological issues that turn a niggle into an injury, discomfort into pain and a lay off into semi-retirement. Ashton apologists will argue that a broken ankle isn't a niggle, and they are of course right, but what about all the other injuries? Why did it take Beano so long to shed his pizza enhanced bulk? Why did he look so immobile following his return? Why did he pick up another injury so quickly? Why did it look as if he could barely run and jump during his spell back in the team? A legacy of the ankle injury, the Ashton supporters will claim, the failure of the medics it will be argued; but then why was he so heavily strapped BEFORE that injury? Why has he always looked like he has just walked out of A&E?

I have no doubt about the guy's ability. That goal at Boro last season showed what he can do and a return of 19 goals from 43 starts for us shows his potential. The guy is a goal scorer and has the physical presence to be a true target man into the bargain. That makes him, potentially, the new Alan Shearer but Shearer had a quality that I fear Ashton lacks, a heart as big as a wheelbarrow. And it is for this reason that I think Cole will go on to win more England caps than his more talented contemporary. Cole plays for the team; Ashton plays for himself.

Capello took one look and did not like what he saw. Whereas Cole has secured a "call back" after playing against the mighty Spain, Ashton seems to have done himself no favours in an outing against Caribbean minnows. When Cole plays for West Ham he is in the thick of everything, dropping deep, leading the line, holding the ball, chasing down opposing players, even getting sent off twice for full blooded, 100% committed play; when Ashton dons the shirt, he looks for others to do the donkey work for him. He is, I fear, a legend in his own mind, and a precious one at that.

Look at his latest statement: “I want to come back when everything is right, not return prematurely and end up getting another injury, because all the hard work will be for nothing. If it means continuing to be patient and let things take as long as they need to, then that's what I will do.” Now that is all very sensible of course but just look at how often Ashton says I rather than we, look how often he sounds as if he knows best rather than putting trust in the medical experts. I don't see him talking about West Ham, I don't see him telling us how keen he is to get back playing for the team or the fans, what I see time and time again is an egotist who is in it for himself.

Back in November 2007 I posted this: Dean Ashton in "The Sun" talking about the West Ham treatment room: "In a weird way it's a nice place to be, considering everyone in there is injured. There's lots of banter. It makes a nice change from when I was out last year and there wasn't anybody else in there. It was a very lonely place and it was hard going." A nice change eh Dean? Sod the team eh? Sod the fans eh? Just so long as you're happy mate and there's plenty of others to keep you entertained! I can imagine the banter: "So how much are you be paying paid to not play this week?"

I got stick at the time but, from memory, in the same article that the quotation was lifted from, Ashton came across as a spoilt brat, demanding that his socks were laid out in the dressing room in a certain way and insisting on his own specialist training regime because he knew his body better than anybody else. He might be right of course. Or he might be an arrogant tosser who is too big for his own boots!

To me, the jury is out. I want to believe that Beano will return as a 20 goal a season striker, leading the line with passion and verve. My head, however, tells me that he will never really do it over a sustained period. A niggle will be enough to stop him running, stop him jumping, stop him playing. Zola faces a tough call if somebody bids anything above £12 million in the summer. If we cash in and Ashton goes on to be an England striker, we will look stupid; if we don't cash in our chips and Ashton pulls up lame half a dozen games into the season, we will have missed our opportunity to move on damaged goods. I would sell. Let's see if that call is right or wrong. I would really love Beano to shove my words down my throat by emerging next season as the real deal, the new Alan Shearer!

Here's A Frightening Thought

If Faubert doesn't get his finger out, he will be back on le payroll acting as a L'argent Provocateur next season. Can you imagine Le Sulk after returning from his dream move to Madrid back to cold, wet, nasty old Newham? If he didn't like it first time around, he's going to like it even less after sitting on his derrière in Madrid for six months. And just think how fat that arse will be after all that inactivity! Will we have a pair of shorts big enough for Faux Pas when he returns? I suppose he could always borrow a pair off Beano!

Level Playing Field?

So, Upson is unfit to play on Saturday but is fine to join up with the England squad regardless. Collins is out for 2 weeks, and has only managed 15 league games in total all season, but is OK to join up with Wales. Period Pains hardly kicked a ball for us for 15 months but still popped up in a Welsh shirt from time to time. So how comes Leggy King can wear the lillywhite of the Cockyfools but can't manage 90 minutes for England? Redknapp moans that the guy can't play more than one game a week, but who is asking him to? He needn't play on Saturday if Capello thinks he might be needed for Wednesday!

This stinks. King isn't fit between games but that doesn't mean he can't give 70 minutes to his country a week after playing a Premiership game. He would be turning out for Tottenham on Saturday if there were Premiership games instead of internationals, so how can Redknapp pull him from the England squad? This highlights the selfishness of Tottenham and Redknapp alike. In contrast, we seem to put the needs of the national teams over our own. I bet Dyer would be with England now had Capello selected him.

I think Capello, FIFA, UEFA and the FA should make a stand. There should be a rule, all or none. If Liverpool pull Gerrard from the squad for an operation, then sod Liverpool, don't allow any of their players to be picked for any of the national teams. If Tottenham want to deprive England of their King, then ban all national teams from selecting Tottenham players. That would put an end to this nonsense immediately. Top internationals would immediately shun the barred clubs and the likes of Torres and Keane would demand moves elsewhere.

We won the World Cup for England when Redknapp was at the club but then he was never good enough for England, neither as a player, nor as manager, so perhaps he doesn't understand the honour and pride involved in pulling on the national shirt. As for England, Capello knows that Upson WILL play through the pain barrier for his country even if he won't do it for his club. The King is dead, long live the...Upson!