West Ham Conundrums

Had to smile at the report of how a Blackpool fan in the Countdown back room team organised the Conundrum to spell out PNECRISES as a dig at local rival North End's relegation from the Championship. It got me thinking about West Ham Conundrums and I've come up with a few below.  Try to rearrange the letters for a sentence about people connected with the club and our present crisis! The words in brackets afterwards are NOT part of the conundrum!

Counterfeit fresh ass bar (Where Morley and Bishop do a stand up double act each Wednesday night?)

Obese somersault (Nothing to do with a McBenni goal celebration. Goal celebration? McBenni?)

Stagnant caviar rum (Smells fishy every month of the season)

and finally

Regretting free snub (Relevant to Mr Capello!)

A prize of a huge well done for anybody who can work out all four answers! And it's a way of thinking about something other than the relegation 6 pointer!

Nani's Legacy to Blame for the Mess!

Brescia have been relegated and that says it all, the mighty Nani strikes again! How he was welcomed  by delirious West Ham fans when he arrived but Turds knew differently! And where are the players he brought to the club now?

So Diamanti has just been relegated to Seria B and Daprela managed just 8 appearances all season for the same relegated team (yet some still say he was the solution to our left back problem!). Behrami is pulling up no trees for mid table Fiorentina - but amazingly he is suddenly fit!; Di Michele went into Seria B; Kovac is arguably not worthy of a place in our reserves; Laštůvka is growing a second head playing for Ukranian side FC Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk; Lopez is playing Romanian football for FC Universitatea Craiova; Tristan had to drop into the second tier of Spanish football and is now employed as a central reservation street light on a motorway somewhere in Spain; Franco couldn't find a club for ages then joined Velez and only managed one appearance before a shoulder injury put him out for the season; Jimenez is with Cesano but only managed 6 games all season; and Savio is on loan to a Bulgarian all inclusive hotel at Sandy Beach!

Ilunga? Not good enough for our squad of 25 even though that left us with NO left back cover! Which leaves da Costa who, come next September, may well be playing for 'Arry's Pentonville Mean Machine!

What a crowd of total follies.

And where is Bowyer? He has a League Cup winners medal. Etherington? Stoke are in the FA CUP Final and the top half of Prem. Bellamy? Well he's at Cardiff but he could have been at Spurs if Man City had allowed it. Collins? A rock in Villa's defence.

Want to know why we are going down? There is your answer!

Apologies for Break Down in Service.

Many apologies that TGGC has been "down" for the last 24 hours and that some content has "gone missing". Originally, the site was hacked in a rather sophisticated and very strange way, then the entire Google blogger service went down. I have highlighted to Google the original hack but it appears that the specific problem and the general problem are unrelated.

Nevertheless, an investigation is underway based on the hack and, with luck, a repeat will be attempted and the culprit unearthed. There are some very clever guys out there devoting their energies to TGGC it seems!

Bullard illustrates West Ham's Stupidity!

It is interesting to read that we are being linked with Bullard along with Wigan & QPR. Apparently the former Hammer apprentice - who is now a ripe old 33 - fancies a return to the Prem, which kind of puts us out of the running but that's not my point.

Why are Hull City so desperate to offload Jimmy? Not because he is injury prone. Not because he is crap. Not because he is uncommitted. But because of his ridiculously high wages. And how much are they paying him? £45,000 per week.

Now I'm not saying a salary of £45k a week isn't stupid. Of course it is. Bullard is a decent player and for a season or two was a very good player, but a salary of £2,340,000 a year is absurd. I don't care how short a player's career is. Five years at £2,340,000 a year is £11,700,000. Divide that over 47 years - the average working life - and that is £248,936 a year, or as near as damn it £250,000 a year for life, for playing football at a reasonable level for five years! No wonder Beano Ashton hasn't thought about finding a job yet. Why would he?

But what is the relevance to West Ham? Well whilst Hull City are having kittens over one player on £45k a week, we have a whole host of them earning in excess of £40k a week, with Dyer, Bridge and Parker on double that amount!

What a farce. Of course we will have to have a clear out when we go down. And do you know, relegation may just suit Sullivan & Gold so they can get the wage bill under control. When you pay one player £80k a week, it becomes a benchmark for others. The club gets a reputation and agents think of a figure, double it and add £10k when you show an interest in a player. We need to go back to being Little Old West Ham for a while, get the financial house in order and then relaunch the bid for Champions League football sometime down the line.

The Championship will hurt but, longer term it may be good news. That may be the logic of Gold and Sullivan.

Hammers Going Italian

Reid to Chievo, Ba to AC Milan, anybody would think we had a decent team given who our players are being linked with! Perhaps Juve will renew their interest of a few seasons ago in Old King Cole. Daprela, Behrami and Diamanti are already in Italy of course.

Upson? The new Maldini surely? They will be forming a queue around the piazza to sign him. Green? There's some shite keepers in Seria A! Anybody see Buffon's rush of blood in the game against Chievo yesterday? And as for the Chievo keeper, he looks like a trapeze artist missing the bar every time the ball goes near him! It was a thrilling game but the error quotient was huge! And Del Piero is still playing! He must be 98!

Specs? I can see him in an Inter shirt can't you? Piquionne has a Lazio stamp on him and Boa would surely grace a Roma shirt, unless Barcelona pip them at the post! Hitz looks right up Palermo's via and Faubert would leap at the chance of Bologna, thinking it would be one long free lunch.

But what about Scotty?

Sorry Italy, Scotty's heart is in London. London N17 to be more precise!

Grant Talks Good Football Boll***s!

Listen to the idiot:

"With all due respect to Burnley and Hull I do not think they played last season at the level we have,” he said. “I don’t think anybody can say that we don’t play good football. Maybe it is not as good as the top six, but it is of a mid-table team’s quality."

“Nobody can say we were not better than Blackburn and any other teams. “OK, good football may not keep you in the Premier League, but bad football won’t for sure.” 

Doesn't he get it? Firstly, I saw precious little good football on Saturday anyway, but that's not the point. When we didn't have the ball, we were wide open to Blackburn counter attacks. The goal we conceded was pathetic. We lost possession and it was open house down the left and centre of our defence. There was no cover from the midfield offered whatsoever, and this has happened game after game after game this season!

Where was the creativity in midfield again? Good teams create chances but what did we create on Saturday exactly? Time and again the ball was lumped forward to Cole - and for a lot of the game we looked like Bolton at their worst!

Nobody can say we weren't better than Blackburn? I can! They had the best defender on the pitch in Samba, the better keeper in Robinson and they had a better shape throughout. Every time Blackburn came forward they looked dangerous to me and until Hitz buried his chance, it looked as if we would play forever without scoring. There was nothing by way of good football from what I saw.

So Grant is using the excuse that it is a stronger division, the defence I have put up for him all season. He is right but that doesn't explain why we are bottom. We are there due to poor team selection, poor tactics, poor training, poor motivation and that same old bloody obsession with 4-3-3 that saw us struggle under Zola.

We are not Barcelona. We are not Manchester United. We are not Real Madrid or Chelsea. 4-3-3 is the formation of the gods; 4-4-2 is the way to survive, and to be fair to Zola, even he seemed to accept that at the death. But not Grant. He still used Ba to "protect" Bridge and Sears to "protect" Jacobsen and, well nobody to protect da Costa and Gabbidon.

And one last question. Why didn't he compare us to Portsmouth, the team he took down last season?

Prolonging The Agony!

Oh dear God, why does this season, of all seasons, have to end so bloody late? We know we are down, we know there's no way back, we know that the Fat Lady is singing her encore, but we will still hope for as long as there is hope, and that means it may not be until May 22nd before we are finally put out of our misery!

Can't somebody just fire a bullet and end the suffering?

Sack The Board

Everyone has their personal axe to grind with the current team and I'm no different. You can blame the player, or the management but I'm a firm believer in the saying "the buck stops here" and that is with the people in charge. The Muppets, the owners.

Why blame the players? They're crap and those that aren't crap, can't play together. Whose fault is that? Grant? well who employed him eh? and while we're about it, who sacked Grant's number 2, Željko Petrović and bought in Wally Downes eh? What a signing HE'S turned out to be.And I thought Steve Clarke was crap by the time he left,but hey how come he was so good at Chelsea and now look how he's doing at Liverpool.

And while we're on about blame, who sacked legend and international goalkeeping coach Ludek Miklosko and bought in David Coles? I'm not going into David's credentials, look 'em up yourself on Wiki or any other reputable website.

And whilst I'm having a rant, who decided that we should spend little money, or rope in pathetic loanees during the summer. If you want to blame Grant for that then be my guest, but even if I'm not a fan of Grant, I don't believe he was so stupid as to not recognize the need for the team. And if he IS as stupid as all that, then again, remind me......... who employed him eh?

Hell, even after they realised that Grant maybe IS the big sh1tty manager that many of you think he is they couldn't even blow him out properly in January. Martin O'Neil, oh dearie me....you'd think after the shameful way they treated Zola they'd at least have SOME idea of how to sack someone by now. But no! They totally balls THAT one up then incredibly.........INCREDIBLY.... they keep him on. How the Hell is Grant meant to motivate HIMSELF, never mind the players knowing that he wasn't meant to still be in a job and is highly unlikely to still be IN a job even if we'd qualified for Europe? Well you could have bought in the assistant manager I suppose, but watching HIM on the touchline, he looks bored out of his skull so if Grant cant motivate, God alone knows how Groves would do

We could also look at some strange player comings and goings as well couldn't we? Who let Ilan go? Who let Diamante go? Who let Daprela go even and realising THAT cock up, eventually went out and loaned in Bridge who probably costs more in a month of wages than it would have a year of Daprelas. I could go on about the players but ultimately, you'd have thought they were the managers decisions. Well it usually would be wouldn't it? Not so sure here, who done what, but either way I know where ultimately, I'm pointing MY finger. And whats all this sacking of Roger Cross about eh? Saving money?.........

Ah. Yes. Money. Now we can get to the root of the problem. Money. Or rather the lack of it. So they saved the club did they? Look where we are heading. Down and at this rate we'll be going even further down because I can't see many players staying, I can't see Grant staying, and I can't see anyone with an ounce of common sense COMING either. Unfortunately, until the sale of the Boleyn, until the massive loan to secure a rented athletics track with half the seats ripped out, until the new luxury apartments and shopping mall is built on our old famous ground has been built, until The Muppets pocket the dosh from all of that, until then..........We're STUCK with THE BOARD. And even worse........being the owners......we CAN'T sack 'em.
 
Thanks to davefking for allowing me to carry this.

Blame Mike Griffiths for the Mess at West Ham!

There's a fascinating article in the Mail on Scott Parker. In it, Scotty comes across as a thoroughly decent guy and comes close to admitting that he won the Player of the Year award by default. It is touching to read about the death of his father, particularly, in my case, because it mirrors almost exactly the death of my father - same age in the case of father and son, same prolonged illness, same morphine to combat the pain, same getting on with the job afterwards.

The most interesting thing about the article for me, however, is the credit Parker gives to Sports Psychologist Mike Griffiths, who he reveals was brought in two years ago. Two years ago? How many seasons have we been struggling for? It's two years now isn't it?

Parker talks about how "mental weakness" can "decapitate" a player and that players don't want to admit to this weakness. He then eulogises Griffiths, suggesting that he has helped "massively".

But the facts do not support what Parker is saying. For two years now, we have all moaned about the mental fragility of the players, of how they panic at the first hint of adversity. Look at them yesterday. We were not playing as a team, there were eleven individuals out there and every single one of them was in a state of panic from the moment Blackburn scored. And that has been the case, game after game for two years now.

So what is Griffiths doing exactly? Teaching Parker and his team mates not to worry if they give the ball away "three times on the bounce" in Parker's words. Well they should be worrying if they give the ball away three times on the bounce because in the Prem, that means you are going to lose!

Look at Cole yesterday. He was shot in terms of confidence. He had that half chance before Blackburn scored and he dwelt on the ball, allowing Samba to get a foot in. A confident Cole would have swung his boot. Look at Hitz who didn't even have the confidence to take that free kick. Why in God's name was da Costa allowed to blast it into the wall when the ball had "Hit me Hitz" written all over it?

What good has Griffiths done for Green? When did his form dip? Would it be about two years ago? And Upson? When did he start to look like a rabbit caught in the headlights? About two years ago? When did Sears lose his way? About two years ago? When did Behrami's form nose dive? About two year's ago?

Parker may feel that Griffiths has helped but Griffiths is no doubt very convincing when it comes to justifying his own worth but the facts scream something very different. Before Griffiths arrived, the team were playing with confidence and a carefree attitude. Remember that goal at Wigan? Post Griffiths' arrival, the team has acted out deep seated nightmares week after week after week.

It seems obvious to me that a team that is "too good to go down" has deep psychological problems, mental scars that results in them freezing and panicking in adversity. Our Cup performances showed what we can do when the pressure is off; it is pressure that destroys this team. So what good is Griffiths doing exactly?

The evidence suggests he is doing a hell of a lot of damage!

How Keane, Levy and Redknapp Plotted Our Demise!

It's not my idea, but it is a delicious conspiracy theory. As Levy fumes about the Olympic Stadium and 'Arry listens, his dismissal by West Ham still festering, a Guinness swilling Robbie Keane staggers past the office singing  "Irish Rover". 'Arry interrupts Levy and says, "I have a cunning plan".

Robbie is called into the room and water splashed over his face to bring him out of his drunken stupor. 'Arry now says, "So then Robbie, how do you fancy earning a million pound bonus for doing what you do best, missing open goals?" Robbie slurs that it sounds fine by him and Levy gets straight on the blower to Sullivan and says, "Let's let bygones be bygones, you can have Keane on loan until the end of the season."

So Robbie is the secret weapon, a fifth columnist sent to West Ham to destroy the club from within. Three sitters missed in a row and with West Ham on the doorstep of the Championship, Robbie is well on his way to earning that bonus!

Blackpool Show Us How!

Same result, 1-1, but Blackpool showed more fight in the six minutes of injury time than we have showed over the whole season. Every player was playing for the shirt, every player played with passion, determination and pride. And no little skill into the bargain.

Player for player, we are unquestionably the stronger team, but Blackpool are organised and motivated, unlike our ramshackle bunch of hollow men. They will probably still go down, but if we are honest, they deserve to stay up far more than we do. How much do you think the entire Blackpool team earns a week? Probably not as much as Dyer and Parker's combined wage!

Our Player of the Year was sitting in the stands today. Charlie Adam was out there in the thick of the battle and, inevitably, won and scored the penalty that gave Blackpool what could yet be a life saving point.

And on the subject of Parker, it is worth noting that whilst he chose to watch Chelsea play Tottenham last Saturday, a certain Jason Roberts was commentating for local radio on the Man City v West Ham game, getting very excited, apparently, at the frailties in our defence. What a shame Parker didn't get himself along to the Blackburn game to do a bit of scouting for his current team instead of watching his next team instead!

West Ham 1 Blackburn 1 Going Down With A Whimper

Eliot said it. This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper, and our team of hollow men are proving him right. Blackburn arrived with a terrible away record, but our dead men, head pieces filled with straw, made them look half decent for four fifths of the game. It was only in the last ten minutes that we came alive.

Grant trained them and picked the side. But between the conception and the creation, between the emotion and the response, fell Avram's shadow. Between the desire and the spasm, between the potency and the existence, between the essence and the now inevitable descent, fell Avram's shadow.

The crowd, gathered on this beach of the tumid Thames, in this hollow valley, this broken jaw of lost kingdoms, groped together and avoided speech. They whispered together, their dry voices quiet and meaningless in this dead land as they watched a team without form, a paralysed force, the empty men.

Hitz gave us hope, a momentary shaft of  sunlight on the broken column but we got no nearer in death's dream kingdom. Those who have crossed with direct eyes, to Death's other kingdom - Lyall, Greenwood, Moore - will remember us not as lost, violent souls, but as the hollow men, the stuffed men, as a fading star.

And so now we are in the twilight kingdom forming prayers to a broken stone. For Blackpool, for Wigan and for Wolves to muster no more than a point apiece and for our hollow men to find heart and courage and conviction and ability and so win two final agonising games. But that aint going to happen. In our hearts, as we lean together, we know that this is the hope only of empty men. For truly,

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Hollow Men ratings:

Green 6; Jacobsen 4, da Costa 5, Gabbidon 5, Bridge 4; Hitz 7, Spector 4, Boa 5, Sears 5, Ba 5, Cole 6 Subs: Collison 6, Piquionne 6, Keane Minus 10!

Half Time West Ham Strollers 0 Blackburn Journeymen 1 - Shameful!

This is humiliating. We have been awful and Blackburn have looked dangerous every time they have come down our left. Ba offers no protection to Bridge, why should he, he is a centre forward, and the Man City loanee looks as comfortable as he would in bed with John Terry and his wife.

Once again there is no protection in front of the back four. Every time Blackburn move into our half there is acres of space for them to run into. The situation is so desperate that I think we need Kovac to sit in there and hold. At least he would be an obstacle to go around. At the moment there is just a void.

The Blackburn goal was so easy. Emerton had the freedom of Newham to bomb down the right and centre into our six yard box and Gabbidon and da Costa between them had no idea of the where abouts of Roberts who said, thanks very much, and netted his sixth career goal against us. If he could play West Ham every week, he would be rivaling Messi for World Player of the Year.

Going forward, we are utterly gormless. Ba is out of position wide left and Cole is a totem pole up front on his own. There is no creativity in midfield with Boa and Specs offering huff and puff and Hitz looking ordinary. Sears is running around and actually forced a save from Robinson - his only meaningful save of the half - but, that apart, we have been shite.

And the decision making is woeful, illustrated perfectly by two free kicks. One offered Hitz the opportunity to whip in a cross and instead it was played short to, of all people, Gabbidon! And the other, three yards outside the box, centre of the goal with "Hit me please Hitz" written all over the ball, and da Costa blasted it against the wall. What the fcuk?

What can we do to get back into this? Get Cole off, he hasn't scored in 8 games and looks like his confidence is running on zero. Move Ba inside, bring on Keane and bring on Collison for Specs. Go 4-4-2, Boa wide left, Sears wide right and pray!

Grant Goes For Broke - Relegation and Financial Catastrophe!

Well I am now pretty convinced that Grant is after revenge! The team for today says to me, "I don't give a toss if we lose or draw and go down". It may work, the gods may smile on us, but I can't see the logic in a number of decisions in his team selection today personally.

If Tomkins is fit enough for the bench, why is Gabbidon starting? The team looks like 4-3-3 to me again, with Ba stranded out on the left. Why when we need goals? Is Carlton going to take the half chances that fall to him in the box?

It may be a 4-4-2, with Boa on the left, Sears on the right and Hitz and Specs in midfield but I doubt it. Almost certainly, Hitz is anchoring  in a 4-5-1, 4-3-3 formation which means we lose his goal scoring ability further up the field.

My worry is that we will be vulnerable at set pieces and will struggle to score with this team. This is Grant's team to win the most important game in the club's history:

Green

Jacobsen, da Costa, Gabbidon, Bridge

Hitz

Spector,  Boa-Morte

Sears                                      Ba

Cole 

No Points Deduction For QPR

Guilty on two charges but no points deducted. What the fcuk? After the benchmark of the Tevez affair, the rules were clarified and QPR have breached them. This vindicates the decision not to deduct us points and makes a nonsense of the ruling that we had to compensate Shafting United, although that idiot Duxbury reached an out of court settlement of course!

I have nothing against QPR, but if they are guilty, then they can have no mitigation. The rule hadn't been tested when we signed Tevez; it was crystal clear when QPR brought in their Argie.

Something is very wrong here and you can bet your life the lawyers will be preparing a case.

West Ham v Blackburn. The Biggest Game Ever!

I know that is a bold statement, especially after the Great Escape season, but every other game, including those epic Great Escape matches, is in the past and, if we don't win today, there is no foreseeable future.

It really does come down to today. If we win, survival becomes a live possibility. If we don't, we are as dead as a fish on a plate in a restaurant.

Go back to the Great Escape season and this is the equivalent of the Bolton game. We had to win it and early goals put us in good heart. That season, Allardyce had just left Bolton - replaced by Mini Me Sammy Lee - and this season, Big Sam has been shown the door by Blackburn. Maybe that's a sign! Maybe!

I am worried though. I am worried about Blackburn corners and a big bugger named Samba. The clever money would be on him to score if he plays, wouldn't it?

So I suspect we will need to score at least twice to win. Cole will probably play in order to help us defend corners. To score twice, Ba simply has to play down the middle with him. If he doesn't, who else will score?

Will Grant risk the mercurial Obinna? If your life depended on somebody, would Victor be your chosen man? He may have a heroic first name but he has an addled brain!

Will Parker be risked? If he can walk, he must play, irrespective of Redknapp's instructions!

Can we win? Of course. Must we win? Absolutely; even a draw puts us down. Will we win? My heart says yes but my stomach is in revolt. And I must sign off now, because the fish I ate last night appears to be disagreeing with me!

West Ham v Blackburn. Come in Jim Devine!

Please Jim, we need you! We will roll out the red carpet for you, give you a free flat in the soon to be built Boleyn Mansions complete with an inflatable Karren Brady doll, and promise you a running track-side seat in the Olympic Stadium. And no, I'm not talking about the lying, cheating bastard of a Labour MP who is now doing time for his part in the expenses scandal!

Jim Devine, forever a West Ham hero, is now needed more than ever before!

Golden Shower - It Never Rains But It Pours At Upton Park

Fair play to Gold: when put on the spot, he accepts the buck stops with him. He "thought" he had "done enough" in January and that we had a squad good enough to get out of trouble. The problem is, why did he wait until January? Had we STARTED with our present squad, we would be safe by now. But Sullivan and Gold tried to save the pennies and now it's likely to cost them millions.

Meanwhile Grant doesn't think we should be in the bottom three. Somebody should tell him that your place in the table is determined by the number of points you have, then he might grasp the concept of getting your just deserts.

And back to Gold, he admitted that Parker is off in the summer if we go down. No surprises there, of course, but it does put a question mark against that Mr West Ham tag doesn't it? Why was he at Stamford Bridge sat next to Jamie? Question answered!

Holloway or Warnock? Do me a favour!

So, by the end of this season, what will Holloway and Warnock have in common? Both would have managed teams to relegation from the Premiership; just like Grant when we appointed him. So why, if we stay up, would we appoint either of them?

Yes, if we go down, I can see sense in appointing Warnock. He would bully us to promotion. But you'd want to get rid pretty quickly afterwards, as it seems QPR may be considering doing.

Talking about our next manager at this stage is stupid because who you go for hinges entirely on whether or not we survive. If we stay up, assuming Grant is jettisoned, then O'Neill would have to be the ideal man, given Jose would be unlikely to join.

And if we go down? Warnock would be my choice I admit because I've had my fill of principles and values! And as for Ollie, I spent my formative years in Zumerset and was bullied by teachers for my Cockney accent whilst all the turnips in the class whined, "Oi don't know about that laaaattttt". The idea of one of those turnips managing our club fills me with horror. At least Turds arrived in a brown Volvo towing a caravan, Ollie would drive down Green Street in his brand new bleedin' combine 'arverster. Ooo arrrh!

Dyer to sue West Ham over injury misdiagnosis?

Kieron Dyer may be planning to launch a legal action against West Ham for loss of earnings due to misdiagnosis of an injury that kept him out of action for the bulk of a season and led to further complications due to inappropriate treatment.

The frustrated England superstar has had to get by on a basic salary of just £80,000 per week for three seasons now, unable to realise potential win and goal scoring bonuses whilst lying on the club's treatment table. Apart from the hit to his bank balance, Dyer has also had to suffer the mental anguish involved in doing absolutely nothing week in, week out, month after month, year after year, since his £6m move to West Ham.

Whilst Dyer has not, as yet, given any indication that he will instigate proceedings, West Ham's Law of Sod says this is inevitable!