Shock Winner of Britain's Get Talent

The nation is in shock after the surprise result of Britain's Got Talent. Instead of a brilliant kid, the mediocre Scott Parker was voted Player of the Year!

Wenger Says "Non" to Parker

So Wenger doesn't want Scotty then. That must come as a major shock to all those who argue that Parker is just what Arsenal need, a midfield player with bite.

The trouble is, of course, that Wenger rates ability over effort and expects his midfield players to have vision as well as an engine. Liverpool want Henderson, Arsenal want somebody other than Scotty, there's no interest from Manchester United or Manchester City and Chelsea aren't about to sign a player they consigned to the rubbish heap years ago.

So God only knows where Scotty will end up if Levy blocks Redknapp's bid for the want away West Ham man.

Isn't this all a bit odd? Surely clubs should be queueing around the block to sign the Player of the Year? Unless the journalists got that one wrong of course. Now there's a thought!

Capello Tearing England Apart!

The distinctly dodgy performance of Joe Hart yesterday illustrated perfectly the way Capello has led England to the edge of a precipice over which there is a very real danger we will topple. Foster and Robinson have both retired from international football because of the insensitive way in which Capello has handled them, and Green had to be persuaded not to allow his gloves to slip off the hook he attempted to hang them upon. When the squad was originally announced Calamity Carson and Fulham Number Two Stockdale were the only understudies to Hart.

Now Crouch has retired from international football, pissed off at the way Capello has repeatedly called him up and then humiliated him. Look at Crouch's scoring record. Fair enough, he wouldn't be your first choice if trying to beat Germany or Brazil, but the guy is ideal when playing against the likes of Switzerland, Tunisia and Slovenia. But time and again, Capello has ignored him, opting yesterday to play Bent and name Zamora on the bench, neither of whom can hold a torch to the gangly one's scoring record at international level.

Time and again we see evidence of Capello's poor man management skills: the way he handled the captaincy issue was appalling; his premature announcement of Beckham's retirement from international football was disgraceful; his decision to leave out Walcott from the last World Cup was myopic; and his failure to identify his first choice keeper ahead of the last World Cup proved to be utterly self defeating, ridiculously increasing the pressure on first Green and then James. The fact that Hart subsequently emerged as his number one choice speaks volumes for Capello's incompetence.

Surely everybody was as amazed as me when Young was not in the starting line up for yesterday's game? Capello had allowed Young to talk to the press, explaining how he hoped he had proved his merits at international level in the last two games, and promptly benched him. Why would you do that? If Young had walked out of the squad, I would have understood his motivation, just as I understand Crouch's position.

For as long as Capello is in charge, the England team is in cold storage, anchored on the Italian buffoon's meat hook. He should be sacked and sacked now. The excuse that the England players were "tired" was pathetic. Should we qualify, the players will be just as tired in the tournament next June. But that tiredness is mental, not physical, and a good manager motivates his team to rise above mental exhaustion. In truth it is Capello who is tired. He has been found out and now needs to be turfed out. Otherwise, we may qualify and find we haven't got 23 players willing to accompany Fabio to the tournament!

Brooking is aiming his ire in the wrong direction when he criticises the players. It is clear that Fabio is the architect behind all these premature retirements from international football. A man who turns to Carragher and Scholes after they have shunned England and disregards Parker and Dawson, who clearly have a burning passion to represent their country, is clearly a total arse!

West Ham Fans Rocked By Shock Parker Revelation

West Ham fans were left reeling this evening by the shock revelation that Scott Parker isn't very good after all. Playing against a team of cuckoo clock makers, merchant bankers and the huff and puff Behrami, England's Player of the Year looked somewhere between ordinary and less than ordinary.

West Ham fan Beyen Pee raged: "I couldn't believe what I was seeing out there. We all know Scott is a legend in our own time and the best midfielder in England, but today he looked average. I blame that Italian twat Capello just like I blame that Jewish pillock Avram Grant."

Welsh pundit Shaun Ovhumour said: "That wasn't the Parker we know. He looked brilliant against the might of Wales but against Switzerland he looked ordinary. Time and again, he was the wrong side when trying to make a tackle and Terry and Ferdinand looked as exposed as Upson and Tomkins at times. I simply can't explain what happened out there. Anybody would think the Swiss were Germany!"

Incredibly, Parker was responsible for giving away a needless foul that led directly to Switzerland's second goal. "How can you explain that?" asked Ivor Tatt. "I mean, Parker giving away free kicks needlessly that lead to goals...next thing you know people will be blaming him for numerous goals West Ham conceded through last season."

Shane Ghai-Wrighty added: "Never mind the free kick, what amazed me was the time  in the second half when Parker broke with the ball from a corner and had the opportunity to set up a goal. I can't explain why he ran up a blind alley and lost the ball rather than slip in a pass. It was as if Scotty plays with his head down and has no vision. How do you explain that? I mean the guy is Player of the Year. He is a genius! Look at the way he bossed the game against a Wales team made up mostly of Championship players. I'm staggered. Shocked. Lost for words. Why did a kid like Wiltshire look three times the player that the 30 year old Parker looks? It doesn't make sense does it?"

Meanwhile, Daniel Levy was overheard on the phone talking to wheeler dealer 'Arry Redknapp: "You want to pay how much for that? Eight million for a player who can't hold his position and has as much vision as Blunkett in a dark tunnel? He looked like Florence in the Magic Roundabout, little legs and boots too big for him. Think again 'Arry. Think again. No wonder Liverpool rate Henderson a better buy at twice the price!"

Redknapp Aiming At Geriatrics Hotspurs

'Arry must have landed a job lot of zimmer frames from a geezer down at the Nag's Head given his reputed targets in the transfer market. I know keepers go on and on, but Brad Friedel, aged 40, is stretching it a bit! And meanwhile, Spurs, surprise, surprise, are emerging as the favourites to land Parker, with Palacious on his way out of the Redknapp revolving door.

Wheeler Dealer 'Arry Redknapp has clearly decided to ignore the latest models and go for the classic model market instead. How about Upson 'Arry? Dyer is available on a free too!

Building  a team for the Champions League? By the time they qualify, 'Arry's planned recruits will need mobility scooters to get from the dressing room to the pitch! Funnily enough, 'Arry has just bought a job lot of those too!

Warming to Allardyce Thanks to Behrami!

Bloody nerve! Valedictory has come out and said that the sacking of Zola was his cue to leave and has now criticised the appointment of Allardyce. Like we give a flying fcuk what he thinks after he effectively went on strike from August to January, forcing the club to part with him at a knock down price. Notice the way he was suddenly fit when he got to Italy? Bloody shit!

Until that move, the story was that his wife couldn't settle in London. It was a pathetic sounding excuse from a pathetic man, much more Peparami than the Beast the marketing men would have us believe!

So now the truth is emerging, he wanted to go because Zola was sacked. And we know why that upset him so much don't we? Ilan spilt the beans on the "Italian speaking clique" inside the club who formed Zola's Praetorian guard. And how many of them remain now? Well...erm...that would be erm....none of them wouldn't it?

So, suddenly I'm warming to Sam Pot. If Behrami doesn't rate him, maybe he is the right appointment after all!

How the Parker Adulation Broke Team Spirit

I am only a fan, not a player in the dressing room, but I am right royally pissed off with all this crap about how "only Parker" was trying last season. Time and again you read, "Parker was the only one who cared...Parker gave everything, unlike the other tossers...Parker was playing on his own last season, carrying the team on his back...blah Parker blah".

Tell me, how do you think that makes the rest of the team feel? Only Parker tried? So tell me, what was Noble doing when he played a week after having his appendix removed? He obviously didn't care! And what was Spector up to when he was charging around the pitch after being drafted into midfield? Did he look like a player who didn't give a toss? And Green wasn't trying in goal presumably?

What about Tomkins? When he tried to keep Drogba, Davies and Rooney at bay, trying to establish himself as a Premiership defender, he wasn't really trying presumably? And I take it that Jacobsen kept running up and down that right flank because there was a pretty woman at either end of the pitch and he was trying to see up her skirt? And Cole had that rant about Grant because he didn't care presumably?

What about Freddie Sears? He was having a kip on the wing each time he got a game was he? Bloody ran around a lot in his sleep didn't he? Boa didn't care when he played? Ba didn't try? Collison couldn't give a monkeys when he returned? Hitz wasn't bothered?

Of course there were some players who disappointed in terms of effort - Piquionne, Barerra, Behrami, Upson perhaps - but to tar the whole lot with the same brush is unfair. And if I was one of the "team", I would look at the Parker adulation and the way he was exempted from all blame because of his "effort" and think, well fcuk you! And if I was a centre back staring into the hole vacated by Parker as he charged around like a headless chicken, I would think, "Who is this floppy haired guy playing for,the team or his own reputation?"

Diouf to Wear West Ham 666 Shirt!

So Sam Pot has his eyes on Spitting Image thug El Hadji Diouf! That's a great way to endear himself to the fans I must say.

Does he not understand that this guy is hated at Upton Park? Does he not know that Diouf represents everything that West Ham fans detest? Of course he does; but he doesn't give a flying fcuk!

Yesterday he made all the right noises but words are cheap. And so is Diouf which is why Sullivan and Gold will not raise any objections if Sam Pot wants to recruit him and draft him into the Khmer Rouge and Blue.

The revolution has begun! Anybody with intelligence and flair will be lined up against the wall. Diouf can spit in their faces before Sam Pot gives the order to put them out of their misery.

Fernandes Hell Bent on Destabilising West Ham

I don't usually have much time for the Gobby One, but I think he has it spot on with his Fernandes rant. With the supposed "West Ham fan" timing his Twitter "bid" for the club to coincide with the announcement of Sam Pot as manager, it is patently obvious what game he is playing.

For the record, Sullivan has dismissed Fernandes' bid as a publicity stunt (and he may be using rhyming slang!) saying, "I can assure Sam he has an unbreakable two-year contract and he is the perfect man for the job."


"I can only think the motivation for this 'takeover' bid is PR. If there was a genuine Russian billionaire out there willing to pump hundreds of billions of pounds into West Ham then we'd step aside for the good of the club.

"But when someone offers to buy your club for buttons and does it via Twitter it is most unhelpful at a time when we are trying to rebuild West Ham."

The reaction of Hammers fans to the Fernandes bid has been incredible and shows the degree of desperation. Does a businessman announce a takeover bid via Twitter for God's sake? Did he send over an offer and contract in 15,000 forty character messages? What a load of nonsense.

I treated the "announcement" with the contempt it deserved yesterday and I would now be very worried should Fernandes emerge as a genuine bidder for the club. Yesterday's announcement was timed solely to steal the thunder from the unveiling of Sam Pot as manager and has revealed Fernandes in his true colours - and he isn't wearing Khmer Rouge and Blue in that picture is he? I wouldn't trust Fernandes any more that I trust SuGo.

Why Sam is the Right Man!

Here I go again, thinking. The last time I did that I convinced myself Martin O'Neill would become our next manager. I don't think I was that far off since by many accounts he was offered the job but declined, although it could have been Lambert that said no. Either way an experienced manager of that pedigree was my point.


Big Sam must have been plan 1B, which I think of a bit differently than a backup plan like Chris Hughton or Dave Jones. In fact, if O'Neill hadn't stunned all of us by even considering the job back in January I would have thought of Allardyce as our "biggest" target, pun absolutely intended. And I for one am very happy. Here is a manager that took Bolton up and kept them there, had four top 8 finishes, was touted for a bit as a possible England manager, and was wrongly sacked by Blackburn. I know many supporters have voiced upset over the very idea of him, but I think that may be unfair and unrealistic. Here's why;

1) After what we have been through, what we need more than ANYTHING is a manager that can pick a team and organize it. Allardyce can do that.

2) He also is adept in the transfer market. He even was able to get some schmuck to pay 8 MILLION QUID for a medical experiment named Dyer! And that was after reneging on a 6 million pound deal for him. If we are going to have to sell people, I like the idea of him being part of the deal.

3) To those that are concerned about our style of play, let's give him a chance. Beggars can't be choosy. We just need a job done. We can be pretty again down the road. I'd also like to share something from one of my sports over here, basketball. In the 1980's, The LA Lakers won 4 NBA titles with Magic Johnson leading the way. They played a free flowing, fast paced brand of basketball. The press called it "Showtime". It was to basketball what we saw Barcelona do the other day. Pure artistry.


In 1991, Riley became coach of my team, the New York Knicks. Totally different group of players, and a totally different style of play. It was smash mouth basketball. You want to slam dunk on me? Fine, but you will PAY and PAY DEARLY. "Commentators admired Riley's ability to work with the physical, deliberate Knicks, considering that he was associated with the fast-paced Lakers in the 1980s" says Wikipedia. He didn't win the championship in New York, but he came close.

The point is, a good coach/manager can adjust based on what is needed. I wanted O'Neill, and I thought SuGoBrat would offer the moon to him. Maybe they did and he still said no. But next to O'Neill, considering who was available, Big Sam was who I wanted. I'm going to give Allardyce the benefit of the doubt here. With him calling the shots I have every confidence we will come back up sooner than later.

Article Submitted by USA Dave

Parker Does a Defoe!

Well it didn't take him long did it? Scotty has stopped short of slapping in a transfer request because he has a release clause trigger anyway, and asking to move would no doubt cost him a percentage of the final transfer fee. So instead, Mr West Ham has told the press that the Premier League is where he wants to be and said, "Let's see what happens over the next two months".

Well, what's going to happen over the next two months exactly? Is our relegation going to be rescinded courtesy of a Sullivan bribe to FIFA? Maybe! Maybe Scotty isn't putting himself in the window after all, maybe he is as committed to West Ham as all the Parker fans have claimed. Maybe if my Aunt had bollocks, she'd be my uncle!

Scott's fans will of course trot out the usual guff. "Can't blame the guy...Gave his all to the cause...You can't expect him to drop out of the Premiership when he is in the England squad...I wish Scotty well where-ever he ends up....He is a true West Ham great...He will always be Mr West Ham for me...."

Funny, I remember Brooking  and Bonds staying at the club when we went down and memory tells me that Carrick hung around for a while too. You don't HAVE to leave when your team goes down and, after trousering £80k per week for the past 10 months, you would have thought Parker might feel he owes the club another season. He did get a £20k a week rise to EXTEND his contract after all!

A true Mr West Ham would be rolling up his sleeves now and saying, "I'm leading West Ham back to the Premier League where we belong", not sending out a "Come and get me" message to 'Arry Redknapp!

Sam Pot Arrives

Sam Pot has arrived. The colours now change to Khmer Rouge and Blue. Civilization restarts today in Year Zero. Prepare the Killing Fields!

West Ham to Consider Legal Challenge to Relegation

With the appointment of Sam Allardyce imminent, a source close to the club has revealed that Sullivan and Gold are considering a legal challenge to the club's relegation. Despite finishing bottom of the table, 7 points adrift of safety, the club believe that it is unreasonable for them to surrender their Premiership place to Swansea City.

The newly appointed Communications and Strategy Director, Lee Vitout revealed: "The situation is absolutely absurd. We are talking about the English Premier League - the EPL - and Swansea are not an English team. Wales has its own Prince, its own language, its own version of a Parliament, its own European Community handouts, its own sheep and its own football league and version of the FA Cup."

He continued: "You have to ask why Swansea are allowed to play in the N Power Championship, never mind the EPL. West Ham United are an English club based in the nation's capital city and it is thanks to West Ham that England won the World Cup in 1966. To replace this great English club in the EPL with a Welsh team is a total travesty which will undermine global marketing of the EPL brand."

Challenged on why it would be West Ham who retain their place rather than Birmingham or Blackpool should Swansea be denied promotion, Vitout explained: "As the Champions, QPR replaced the team who finished third from bottom. QPR did the best in the N Power and of the three relegated clubs Birmingham did the best, so their place was taken by Warnock's charges. Blackpool and Norwich swap places according to the same logic, so Swansea, as the weakest of the three promoted clubs, are replacing bottom of the table West Ham. Therefore if Swansea's promotion is blocked - as it obviously should be - then all logic and justice demands that West Ham retain their Premiership place."

A spokesman for the EPL replied: "Like everybody now at the club, Vitout is an utter cnut."

Anybody Seen Allardyce?

He's over six foot tall, has an ugly mush and is likely to be eating a pie. Anybody spotted him yet?

West Ham should launch an Allardyce version of "Where's Wally?" Sorry, I forgot, they had to ship him out so Allardyce could get a free run at the pies!

Scholes Retirement opens the door for Parker.

The decision of Scholes to call it a day may just have opened the door for Parker to join the Mancs. The players are not exact carbon copies - Scholes is a far better passer of the ball and Parker is a better anchor - but signing Parker would free up Carrick to assume the playmaker role.

Critics of Carrick insist that he has never realised his full potential but he was originally the "next Hoddle or Brooking", not the next Billy Bonds or Alan Mullery. He was asked to reinvent himself first by Pardew, and then by Ferguson.

For 20 minutes of the Champions League final, I thought Carrick was the best player in a Man Utd shirt and, with Parker sweeping behind him, I believe he has the ability to become the playmaker proper. If Ferguson does express an interest, Parker's value will soar; so here's hoping!

Poor Old Reading!

I can't say I like Reading - that 6-0 hammering at the Madejski Stadium drove a stake through the heart of an affection I had felt going back to the days of Steve Victor De'ath (How could a team take to the field with Death between the sticks?). However, how unlucky were they to lose yesterday, based on the game's stats?

Swansea only had four shots on target and scored four goals - and one of those went in off a Reading player! Reading had more shots on goal, more shots on target and more corners, but still contrived to lose the game 4-2. Even when they were 3-0 down, I cautioned my son not to write them off, and sure enough, they showed typical dogged, fighting spirit to pull it back to 3-2. The fourth Swansea goal was a cruel blow.

One is tempted to say what a great job Brian McDermott has done - and he has - but cruel fate delivered another savage blow because Swansea are managed by the guy Reading sacked before McDermott was appointed. How shit is that?

And the final cruel twist of fate? Swans are, of course, the dish of royalty but yesterday the Swans devoured the Royals. You couldn't write it, could you?

I'm not going to pretend any love for Reading. There was a falling out between the clubs when we poached Pardew and the wound of that 6-0 thrashing is still raw, but my sympathy goes out to the club and to its fans today. I hope you get up via the playoffs next year guys, providing, of course we finish in one of the two top berths!

West Ham Bottom of the N Power Championship!

Would you Adam and Eve it, I've just seen the Championship league table for next season and we are bottom already. Watford above us on the basis of the a after the W. We are fcuking cursed!

Still, Allardyce hasn't arrived yet. Perhaps he will look at the table and think better of it!

No Sign of The Beast - Yet!

It is approaching 10am on Monday, May 30th 2011 and we have been camped out for almost a week now, hoping to catch sight of the Beast. Reports of a horned, cloven hoofed creature prowling down Green Street have, thus far, not been confirmed by sightings. Many local residents scoff at the idea that Satan may, indeed, in their midst without them even realising. "I would recognise Salman Rushdie whatever his disguise!" insisted one shopper in Queens Market.

Others claim that there is a distinct whiff of sulphur in the air and that David Sullivan placed an advert in the local newsagent back in January, offering his soul for sale. One man, who was too scared to give his name said: "They retired the number 6 shirt out of respect for Bobby Moore but next season it is returning in triplicate. Who knows which player will wear 666 - but we have been linked with Joey Barton before."

Garlic sales have gone through the roof and wooden steaks are now the weapon of choice in Newham.

But, as we report, there has not yet been a confirmed sighting. Perhaps this is all just a bad dream. Perhaps the rumours are untrue. Perhaps Van Helsing will arrive in time. Here's hoping!

Peterborough and Doncaster!

That sums it up for me. Next season we play Peterborough and Doncaster! How humiliating! And what's worse is that if Allardyce is in charge, they will play the better football!

FIFA in Meltdown!

What a bloody joke! We all knew that the processes involved in the determination of where the World Cup would be held were utterly corrupt and now we have proof; but what is happening? As things stand, nothing. In fact Septic Bladder is going to be anointed President without any opposition following the suspension of his only rival along with Warner.

First off, Bladder must be opposed and the "election"scheduled for this week must be suspended. Then the voting for Russia and Qatar must be scrutinised and if there is ANY suggestion of corruption, there must be a new vote.

It is time for the  Western European nations to exercise their muscle. We know that CONACAF, Africa and Asia are corrupt. For God's sake, they don't understand the meaning of democracy, and bribery and corruption are just a way of life in the majority of the nations represented. How else can you explain the awarding of a World Cup to Qatar - a nation where you can be executed for being homosexual and for converting to Christianity - and where temperatures will represent a major threat to the life of the players. Dear God, Platini even mooted the idea of moving the competition to February as temperatures would only touch 120 degrees in the "winter"!

The F.A. should now be doing deals, campaigning for a World Cup shared with Spain or Germany in 2018 and in Australia in 2022. If the other countries don't want to fall into line, then sod them. We should then go the whole hog for 2022, running a campaign for an alternative European based World Cup. I bet you that the major nations of the world would prefer a World Cup in temperate England to a World Cup in the melting cauldron of Islamic Qatar.