Barcelona v West Ham (Hotshot Speaks Out!)

A few seasons ago I watched West Ham beat Roma in a pre-season friendly and like many fans believed that our club had the potential to be world-beaters. Gianfranco Zola is no doubt world class, and he has done much to spruce up the current West Ham motley crew and have them playing the free flowing football that we Upton Park fans insist on, but is it enough?

Being in Barcelona while Barca were playing Bayern Munich in the Champions League quarter final, I bought a ticket to the match. I have only ever been to Upton Park's 35,000 capacity stadium, and a few away matches in grounds not much bigger, so when being confronted with 90,000 chanting fans in a packed stadium it hit me like a sledgehammer in the gonads; it was a great experience - the atmosphere not the sledgehammer.

Barcelona passed the ball around the field fearlessly, with pinpoint accuracy, unbelievable imagination and absolute conviction - it was a master class in football. It was awesome to watch, and yet disheartening in that it highlighted the distance West Ham have to go if they really want to be among the best in Europe. There are echoes around the West Ham faithful, of the team in the near future fighting it out for one of the Champions League places on offer, the prize for finishing in 4th position in the English Premier League, yet even if they some how found the firepower to catapult themselves into this elite league, after watching Barcelona take Munich apart, making them look like an overweight and comical Sunday league team, beer bellies and all, what chance would West Ham have had in the Noucamp that evening? It would have been car crash TV!

I fear West Ham are possibly chasing an empty dream and need a reality check. Already we are punching above our weight, and, without real investment in a new stadium and at least 60 million on players, we will forever be stuck in Premier League mid table mediocrity, mere cannon fodder for the league’s top four.


Hotshot C

Good Neighbour. Tottenham and West Ham Time To Remember

I enjoy a bit of banter with the best of them but today, perhaps we should realise that there are bigger things in life than club rivalries. I have only just picked up on the fact that Jimmy Neighbour jinked down the wing on this mortal coil for the last time yesterday, ironically or appropriately, on the day when the two London neighbours did "battle".

Jimmy will never be regarded as a "great" of either club but he was a good professional who played in an era where honesty and graft counted for more than it does today. I remember Jimmy fondly for scoring against Coventry in the semi final of the League Cup, a goal that took us through to the final. He also played in both Finals against Liverpool, robbed of a winner's medal by an outrageous linesman's decision when an offside Sammy Lee ducked under the equalising goal. Interfering with play? He would be offside now, never mind then!

So, lets put the club rivalries to one side and pay tribute to Jimmy, a League Cup winner with Tottenham. At 58, he was too young to die. In the words of the Aussie soap:

Neighbours
Everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding you can find the perfect blend

Neighbours
Should be there for one-another
That's when good neighbours become good friends

Tottenham, How Much Does One Goal Cost?

The Cockyfools are strutting their stuff this morning after yesterday's epic 1-0 trouncing of the mighty Hammers but, whilst trying to come to terms with our reserves suffering this shocking reverse at White Hart Lane, I got to thinking, how much did that 1-0 Tottenham victory actually cost?

Below, I give a break down of the cost of the two teams available yesterday, including the substitutes benches. For the sake of argument, I have left off the add on fees - let's face it, bonus payments made on the basis of trophies won are never going to be payable by Tottenham, whilst, because of injuries, appearance fees are never going to apply to West ham players! So, for example, I show Keane at £12m, whilst in cloud cuckoo land, that could rise to £19m if Tottenham ever qualify for the Champions League.

The figures are staggering! The West Ham squad yesterday cost a total of £32m in transfer fees. Tottenham's squad was put together for a total outlay of £136.5m.

So how much does one goal cost? If you are Tottenham, £104.5m! Bless me, is it any wonder those Cockyfools are gloating?

Tottenham

Gomes 10
Corluka 8
Assou-Ekotto 3.5
Woodgate 7
King Nil
Huddlestone 3
Lennon 1
Jenas 9
Modric 16.5
Bent 16.5
Keane 12
Pavlyuchenko 14
Zokora 8
Cudicini 1
Bale 5
Bentley 15
Dawson 4
Chimbonda 3

£136.5m

West Ham

Green 2.5
Tomkins Nil
Ilunga 3
Collins 3
Upson 6
Neill 1.5
Noble Nil
Stanislas Nil
Boa-Morte 5
Tristan Nil
Di Michele Nil
Dyer 6
Savio 5
Lastuvka Nil
Lopez Nil
N’Gala Nil
Payne Nil

£32m

Tottenham's Gloats, Should I Get My Coat?

Amazing how depressed you can feel just because of a football match. Saturday night was ruined, Sunday morning and I woke with that, "Stuff it, what's the point?" feeling. But then I thought, hang on, this is West Ham, and how often have I felt like this since Christmas? And the answer to that, of course, is not very often. Yes we lost but, to be honest, I didn't really expect anything different when I saw the team sheet.

The reaction of the Tottenham fans has been predictably ridiculous. I have left the Tottenham replies on my LBM article despite the odd obscenity and the pikey jibes, because I wanted everybody to see just how sad and desperate some of these Cockyfools have become. Yes lads, you won! Yes you beat West Ham! But dear me, just pause for a moment and look at the West Ham team you beat! You edged out a side without Ashton, Cole, Dyer, Parker, Behrami, Collison, Gabbidon and Kovac. That is eight first team, first pick players. Add in Spector and the fact we had to play Neill in midfield and Tomkins at right back, and you get a sense of how desperate was the situation faced by Zola and Clarke. Turds moaned about the injury jinx but I can't remember so many first choice players being ruled out of a single game under Baggyeyes. Had Tottenham not beaten us, there would have been some massive questions asked about the 'Arry revival. And, to be honest, those questions should still be asked.

1-0? So what? Had Di Michele either taken a tumble as Woodgate tried to rugby tackle his ankle in the penalty box, or poked home that one-on-one opportunity, the result would probably have gone the other way. We know that Tristan and Di Michele are not good enough for the Prem, we know we have to get Ashton, Cole and Dyer fit and we still need another striker, so the fact we failed to score was no great surprise to anybody in Claret and Blue colours. Pavlova took his goal very well, it was a lovely turn and finish, but Green didn't exactly have a busy afternoon apart from that did he? For all the money spent, Tottenham looked pretty impotent considering they were playing against our stiffs!

So gloat away you Cockyfools but the result should really read Tottenham 1 West Ham Reserves 0. A one goal victory over our stiffs when you have home advantage doesn't look so great the following morning does it?

Tottenham away - Luis Boa-Morte's Day of Destiny?

Way back in the mists of time, post Tottenham's Champions League Choke and on the coat tails of our Great Escape, there were rumours that the Cockyfools wanted to sign Luis. They needed somebody to play wide left with the ability, not only to cross, but to chip in with goals, and Luis seemed to fit the bill. He had, after all, netted during our Great Escape and, although that was, and remains, his solitary goal for the club, he had an impressive reputation based upon his days at Fulham. Sadly, Curbishley didn't want to let him go and his wages were also an obstacle - or so the red tops would have us believe. Some transfer stories are obviously stupid but this one made some sense. Tottenham still have not solved the problem of who to play on the left of midfield.

In many ways LBM is the "typical Tottenham signing", a player who has flattered to deceive elsewhere and who is then found wanting when moving to a bigger club - I offer you Bentley, Pavlova, Robinson, Bent et all. Whereas players grow when they move to some clubs, at Tottenham they shrivel into a shell. Perhaps it is because the need for the snip is hidden in the small print!

And the point of all this? Well in his third season, and after 72 appearances in Claret and Blue, Luis actually had a very good game for us last week. His all round contribution over the 90 minutes was impressive and his pass for the Stanislas goal was, in my opinion, the "pass of the season" from a Hammer this year. This came on the back of a thoroughly committed performance against Blackburn and a vital assist (albeit from an offside position). All that is missing is a goal - and whilst I never make predictions about West Ham games, I have this feeling in my water that today is the day for Luis, the day he moves from zero to hero and from Fool to Crown Prince. The picture suggests that he isn't called donkey based on his ability after all!

The odds are against us. Tottenham's home form has been good and 'Arry turns us over every time we play one of his sides. We were terrible at Upton Park against them and memories of the 4-0 thumping from last season are still all too fresh. Add in the fact that The Foe is set to return and we are without half a team of first pick players and it doesn't look too hopeful does it? But then it was going to be a walk over in May 2006 and Tottenham were going to be playing Champions League football the following season weren't they?

Last season Boa was vilified after being sent off in the corresponding fixture. That was the final straw for many of us. We thought he was useless, and this confirmed he was a total liability. Even Curbishley moved off script, interrupting his post match rant about Anton to criticise one of his own "untouchables", actually saying that a player he had signed had put in a less than perfect performance. Boa owes us, this is his Day of Destiny! If he does net the winner, remember you heard it here first. If he has a mare, just read what else I've posted about him in the past.

But for now, immortality beckons, come on Boa, you can do it!

May 7, 2006 - The Tottenham Patient Became Critical

On the eve of the game, let's roll back three years to that fateful day in 2006, when the Cockyfools were knocking on the door of the Champions League. Well so they thought. As it happened, the only door they were knocking on was marked WC as all their dreams were honked down the toilet!

Remember their confidence? We were in the Cup Final and had nothing to play for in the League. Ashton wasn't going to be risked and what Hammer in his right mind was going to risk an injury or suspension by going in to a full blooded 50-50 challenge? All Tottenham had to do was turn up to collect the points, or so they thought. And they very nearly almost never managed that anyway!

Look at the West Ham team that day! Hislop, Scaloni, Konchesky, Fletcher, Gabbidon, Ferdinand, Reo-Choker, Yossi, Sherringham, Zamora, Newton. Now, that is the side that stood between Tottenham and Champions League football! Where are they now? Only Gabbidon remains at Upton Park and he is only on our books to keep Beano company in the treatment room. Fletcher? Fizzy Pop. Newton? God knows. Hislop? Retired. Reo-Choker a Villa understudy. Sherringham retired. Yossi, a bit part player for a genuine Champions League team. Ferdinand? Fighting relegation with Blunderland. Zamora and Konchesky, playing for the mighty Fulham! This was the team, with one and a half eyes on the Cup Final, who stood between Tottenham and their Manifest Destiny! And they blew it!

Carl Fletcher, bless his wife's cotton gusset, only managed one goal in the Premiership - and he saved it for this game to ensure a cult hero status at the club divorced completely from any alleged activities of his wife. A 30 yard fizzing shot sent the Tottenham team rushing to the toilet as the tension churned their guts like baked beans in a blender. A The Foe equalizer and a missed Sherringham penalty gave Tottenham hope, but then up popped Yossi the Israeli, with glorious irony, to net a late winner and crush Tottenham's dreams.

Of course, then the complaints started. The patient was ill they said. In fact, though they didn't know it, the patient was almost on its death bed! Look what has happened since to the mighty, mighty Tottenham Hotspur! A Carling Cup trophy apart, and that is probably not the best competition in the world, it has been a tale (or tail?) of unremitting woe. The sacking of Jol, the appointment of Oneday Never, the desperate appointment of 'Arry - and a team bought, sold, and re-bought on the Never Never. The financial time bomb at Tottenham is on the tick, and ticking!

This weekend they come up against another under strength West Ham team and again will fancy their chances. All the talk down Tottenham way is of how 'Arry has turned around the team and how the future is bright under his tactically astute leadership. Well, remember why Keane and The Foe were sold? Becuase they couldn't play together! So what has 'Arry done? Spent £30million plus to reunite them. Brilliant! You can bet your life that a revolving door will be fitted to the Tottenham dressing room again this summer as the big bucks burn a hole in 'Arry's pocket. We know at West Ham what a disaster it is to let 'Arry spend big, and Pompey fans are now learning the price of allowing 'Arry to build a team of high salaried mercenaries. Come August, the Tottenahm team will be barely recognizable from the one that will take the field this weekend - and the clever money is on them playing like strangers for the first two months of the new season. What price Tottenham looking for a new manager in November?

May 7, 2006 - the day was a real sickener for Tottenham and a happy irrelevance for West Ham. Six days later we played our part in the greatest FA Cup final ever. Tottenham, meanwhile, are still chasing the myth of their greatness, like a sad old geezer trying to chat up a twenty one year old piece of crumpet in Ibiza. Just watch old 'Arry's twitch speed up in the coming months as yet another bid for glory goes pear shaped! We have Zola, Tottenham have 'Arry - you couldn't wish for a better metaphor for one club that is looking to the future and another hanging on to the coat-tails of the past! Tottenham may get a result at the weekend but there will be plenty of sickeners ahead!

Tottenham Targets Tomkins

Just shows the importance of syntax. I read the headline from the Official Site and thought, that **** Redknapp, having visions of a bid for our future England captain on the eve of the match. Well, that would be typical 'Arry wouldn't it? But the old brain was playing tricks on me. In truth the headline read, Tomkins Targets Tottenham which implies something rather different! Well I hope it does, I hope our lad isn't talking about his dream move in the future!

For the record, James said, "It's a massive game for the club. We are pushing for that UEFA spot and it's a massive game for the fans as they are our local rivals.

"There's a great confidence in the team at the moment and a good team spirit as it has been all season. It's good at the moment and everyone is just enjoying their football. Seventh is the aim. We've got a target there that we are heading towards. Each game is vital now that we pick as many points up as we can. Next game is Tottenham, which we are all relishing."

He continued, "I feel that I'm playing well at the moment and growing more confident with every game. It was a great boost for me to start in front of James because he's played well all season. I have been getting a good run in the team and I'm full of confidence and just want to keep improving."

Well that's a relief, I can tell you! Syntax, it's a bitch!

The Story of an Upton Park Initiation (Marty's Son's Story)

As Mark Noble lined up his corner early in the second half last Saturday I said to my son. “Watch this........... James Tomkins....... header in the top right hand corner". It was the end of a story that started with “the great escape” and brought my son back into the fold. I used to stand on the weatherbeaten terraces back in the seventies, but this was my boy’s first match, and he was in a box, as the guest of a former player; how times change!

For him it was a day of firsts. First time on a train, first time on a tube and first time at the Boleyn. It felt like my first time at UP as well, so different was the ground from when I used to go regularly, We were very well looked after, three course meal, drinks, lap dancers.... no sorry, they didn't turn up; a bit different from the old days, first through the turnstiles and run for the best spot, packed lunch and read the programme from cover to cover.

I worry about the future, the crowd seemed to be almost entirely made up of middle aged men, a bit like the Conservative party and the blue rinse brigade, you wonder whether there will be much support left in a few years time! The corner of the BM lower next to what used to be the chicken run tried valiantly to get "Franco Zola's c&b army going" but it met with general apathy. We tried for a while and the corporate crowd seemed more vociferous than the locals, but you feel a bit of a lemon when the general conversation doesn't get much brighter than "Alright Bruv, that wind's a bit chilly innit?" What happened to the banter? The ground's lovely and comfortable and all that, but the atmosphere and the chat were as big a part of the day out as the match for me when I used to go regularly.

But last Saturday wasn’t about all our yesterdays. It was about a young Spanish hammer feeling the claret and blue sap rise in him as we watched the green shoots of another claret and blue renaissance. My lad loved it. "What are they singing Dad?" he said after one brutal challenge. "That'd be 'You dirty northern bastard' son" "Why are they singing that Dad?" Well that's..........because he's a.............. ;) but best not tell your Mum!".

He had put the visit to the Boleyn at risk with an April fools stink bomb that caused the evacuation of half the school, small children in tears and the headmistress on the phone to me. In the end all it did was increase his street cred. and elevate him to legend status with year 5 boys. And as James Tomkins header hit the back of the net, my credibility as a cool Dad was preserved for a few more precious months. We jumped and punched the air as one.....father and son.........claret and blue!

Ribena & Bellyache? Manchester City are having a laugh!

How much did that pair cost, close to a round £50million between them? What an absolute joke! Ashton, Cole, Green, Ilunga, Upson, Parker, Behrami, Collins, Dyer, Boa-Morte and Neill were all bought for less than the cost of those two! Now, I'm not saying that they were all great signings, but watching City tonight, you have to wonder at the decision making. There was one lovely moment second half when Robinho did his dance, feet going this way and that over the ball, and Benjamin simply put out his leg and took away the ball. £34 million plus? I'm not sure the guy is worth any more than £5million personally. How many goals is it in 2009? One? And wasn't that for Brazil?

And as for Period Pains, yet again a booking for dissent and, to my mind, he was very lucky to then remain on the pitch after yet more bellyaching when claiming a penalty for a perfectly good tackle in the box on Ireland. £14million pounds for him? You couldn't write it! Shay Given kept City in the contest first half and the 3-1 score flattered them on the night. They may yet pull it round in the second leg but the smart money will be on Hamburg getting a goal, meaning City need three just to take it to penalties. I can't see that happening!

The best thing about tonight though was to see Jol looking so chuffed. Tottenham treated him appallingly and it is deliciously ironic that he is now favourite to be in the semifinal of the UEFA Cup and within touching distance of Champions League qualification with Hamburg. Let's hope he has learned his lesson and gets somebody to test the food before he lets his players tuck in on the eve of any showdown battle!

As for Mark Hughes, surely it is only a matter of time now before he is shown the door? Certain players are clearly not doing it for him, whilst others are being ignored illogically. Why wasn't Petrov brought on? If City don't want him, I'd love to see him at West Ham!

December 11, 1971, Southampton v West Ham

I was 12 years old and traveled up to Southampton on the train from Yeovil in Somerset with two friends. That fact in itself is a sign of how times have changed. I would never have dreamed of allowing my children to make that journey unaccompanied at 12 years old but, in those days, parents did not see it as a problem. The game was at the "old" Dell of course, an anachronism of a stadium in the middle of a residential area of Southampton, middle class homes on the approach and a couple of blocks of flats overlooking the compact ground. No squalid back to backs here, it was a poor man's ground in an altogether better class of area.

For those who remember the old stadium, we parked ourselves in the family enclosure, one of the concrete "chocolate boxes" at the Milton Road end of the ground. This afforded a great view of the stadium from a usefully elevated position. En route we had eaten at a narrow little cafe in the arcade of shops outside the station before getting into the ground a good two hours before kick-off. Time to digest every word and every image in the programme, dwelling over the pen pic profiles of the West Ham squad and to munch our way through chocolate provisions whilst discussing the threats in the Southampton team. Sadly that programme was lost many years ago when my mother decided to have a "tidy up" whilst I was away at University and the Southampton team is now a blur, but I remember it included a forty something Terry Paine and that old warhorse Ron Davies. Presumably Channon played too, the "star name" in the Southampton team at that time. Did Galbraith play? I think so. If any Southampton fans look in, would be great to know your team and to hear your memories of the game if you were one of the 20,506 in the stadium.

As for the West Ham team, well for Hammers fans of my age, the teamsheet is a roll call of immortals: Ferguson; McDowell; Lampard; Bonds; Taylor; Moore; Redknapp; Best; Hurst; Brooking; Pop Robson. I honestly could have trotted off that team without any reference to the record books - bar one. I do not remember Redknapp playing. In my memory, he had gone the season before but that just shows how the memory can play tricks on you! I was only 12 after all! The substitute was also interesting, one David Llewellyn who managed just 2 starts and four appearances as substitute before moving on to Peterborough. Anybody remember seeing him play? He came on for Brooking in this game, which might explain the bad mood of "Sir Trev" when I met him after the game!

The game was a remarkable affair and summed up the two teams perfectly. Goals from Bonds, Best and Brooking gave us a 3-0 lead and put me in dreamland. All three goals were knocked in at our end and I was well on my way to one of those rarest of things, actually seeing West Ham WIN in the flesh! I have tried to part the clouds of time to remember how those goals were scored but the best I can come up with are that Best scored with a header amidst claims that he had fouled the keeper and Brooking netted with a low shot that went into the bottom left hand corner of the goal. From my position I wasn't sure the ball had actually gone in and from memory it was a real grubber. But that may not be how it happened at all!

Then it all went wrong. Maybe they actually invented Viagra decades before it was released onto the market because somebody definitely slipped something into the geriatric Terry Paine's cup of tea at halftime. He came out playing like a man possessed and ripped Lampard apart. I think Davies scored a couple from Paine crosses but I can't confirm that - Davies might even have bagged a hat-trick. Again, Southampton fans might be able to fill in the gaps. What is not in any doubt, because the records show it, is that Southampton fought back and scored three times to ruin my day. The final score - 3-3! Only West Ham!

I suppose the game itself and the day out as a 12 years old would have been enough to stamp the day in my memory but it was what followed that fixed December 11, 1971 indelibly into my hard drive. We arrived at the station to catch our train home and there, on the platform, was the entire West Ham team! Moore, Hurst, Robson, Ferguson, Brooking et all, kipper ties, pink shirts, outlandish coats, stupid haircuts, the works! I was in dreamland, running around collecting autographs on that programme that my thoughtless mother was to consign to a rubbish bin.

Moore was great, all smiles. So were Bonds and Ferguson. Pop Robson looked like a clown in his comb over and ankle length checked coat but was more than happy to scribble his name on the programme, even asking me my name so he could personalise it. Hurst wasa bit aloof but signed his name without looking at the page. The only one who refused to sign the programme? Trevor Brooking. As I ran along the platform at his side asking him to scribble on that programme, Brooking studiously ignored me and such was my focus on one of my all time heroes, that I all so nearly ran into one of the pillars holding up the roof of the station. For years afterwards, I had a recurring nightmare of banging into pillar after pillar on that platform as Brooking ignored me.

This memory stands out for me. Do you have any you would like to share? If so, drop me a line and we can journey down your memory lane as well!

Saving Savio

How absurd! Zola has felt the need to come out and defend the signing of Savio in the light of "unease" or "unrest" or "worries" about the signing. Zola said of the young German Ugandan, "He has great potential and he can become a really top player." Fair enough so far but he then added, "But the crowd and everybody else need to be patient."

Dear God, the lad is no more than a kid and has moved to a foreign country; what do people expect exactly? Theo Walcott didn't set the Emirates on fire when he first joined Arsenal did he? Wenger wrapped him in cotton wall and kept him out of the firing line until he thought he was ready. And now look at him!

Theo only moved one hundred miles up the M3. Everybody spoke the same language (well apart from the Arsenal team of course) and his family remained on the doorstep. Savio has moved to a new country (the fourth of his tender life so far!) and Newham is not exactly the image of London projected by the Tourist Board is it? His first impression must have been that he had moved back to the Third World!

Of course the lad needs time. I read one idiot comparing him to Stanislas but Junior is amongst friends, at the club where he has grown up. Poor Savio is our Paddington Bear, young, vulnerable, lovable and in need of a family to take care of him. That's why his agent chose West Ham, a family club with a record for bringing through young talent.

I am backing Nani and Zola's judgement. It may be that we will not see the best of Savio for 18 months, but I would rather wait and allow him to develop, rather than see the issue forced with the result that the player is destroyed. The Germans rate him and they know a thing or two about football! Remember Theo everybody. Give the lad time and let's hope he is the gem that lots of people in the know say that he is!

Kovac's lollipop. Who loves ya baby?

Yesterday I posted on Kovac being banned from the national Czech side because he was caught dining after an international defeat. What I didn't realise at the time was that his dinner partners included a group of prostitutes. Given the guy has previously been "rapped" for 'degenerate sexual behaviour involving a female reporter', one hesitates to guess what exactly was on the menu at their table. I bet it wasn't salad cream!

It seems that our blond bombshell is, as they say, a bit of a character. In 2004 he was done for urinating in a bottle in a busy bar. Classy, but not quite up to true West Ham standards, the boys in Claret and Blue don't bother with the bottle as a rule of course!

What with Tristan, Cole and now Kovac, poor Zola must be at his wits' end. No wonder the Czech was missing at the weekend! Does this signal the end of any prospective permanent deal in the future I wonder? What sort of example does this set to the kids at Upton Park? Or is this all an irrelevance? He wasn't on club duty after all, so why is it any of our business?

Liverpool Get Their Come Uppence!

Ok, loyalties might be divided here; I mean who, on a West Ham site, wants Chelsea to do well? But the fact of the matter is that I have hated Liverpool with an absolute vengeance ever since they cheated their way to that FA Cup win in the 'best final ever'. It was that England traitor, Carragher, as I understand it, who told his team-mates to close down Scaloni after he had sportingly put the ball into touch so a Liverpool player could be treated. Any fair minded side would have thrown the ball out for a goal kick, but not the Carragher led cheats in red. They threw the ball to Scaloni, closed him, and forced him to hurry a clearance onto the foot of Gerrard; and the rest is history.

The interesting thing was Sherringham's reaction as Scaloni played it into touch. He knew what Liverpool would do and let rip at the Argentinian, pointing down the line to where the ball should have been cleared. Scaloni looked amazed at the verbal assault, no doubt believing what he had been told all his life, about the Brits being crap at football but leading the world in sportsmanship. How ironic, given all the history of games between the two nations, that the Argentinian took the sporting route, and the "Englishman" gave instructions to cheat. Never mind the "Hand of God", we West Ham fans talk of the "High Pitched Whine of God" - "Close him, close him, close him, and to hell with sportsmanship!"

I hate Carragher anyway because, like Scholes, he walked out on England because he wasn't first pick. Patriotism? Just like fair play, Carragher doesn't understand the concept! Well it's 3-1 again Jamie Cheater, lets see you come back from that one!

Zola Tells A Whopper!

I'm not having that! Zola has just been quoted saying that the move of Lucas Neill into midfield was his idea. The little Italian fibber is quoted as saying, "It was my idea. I think Lucas Neill is a very intelligent player. I've played him right back, left back, central defender and he has always done a good job. He is intelligent and he has good technical ability, so I was 100 per cent sure that he would have done the job."

Now many might be asking, 'Why does the manager feel the need to claim the credit for tactical decisions anyway? Isn't that what he is paid for?'. Perhaps Zola's glee at actually making a decision gives us an insight into who exactly calls the tactical shots ordinarily. Step forward Mr Clarke?

But that is not what has provoked this post. Any long standing member of the Mordant Org will know that, in its more vibrant days, a tactical genius by the name of westham66 made this call way back in October! We laughed at him at the time, just as we laughed at his suggestion of playing LBM from the start of every game and moving Cole back to a holding midfield role! Who knows, 66 might have been right all along! Next season, Lucas may be our playmaker, Carlton our holding midfield man, and Boa might be the 20 goal a season man 66 always claimed he could be! And pigs might fly.

Czech's Mate!

So what is it about West Ham exactly? There were rumours at the weekend about Di Michele, Carlton Cole has been done for drink driving, Tristan has picked up a driving ban for having too many shandies before crashing his Porsche into a taxi, and now Kovac has been banned from the Czech national team for "dining out" after an international defeat. Do we perhaps have a "Blackpool Society" in the club where players try to emulate the "West Ham Four led by Bobby Moore"?

Still, at least Kovac seems to have a little bit more class than the others. There can't be many West Ham players who have been disciplined for "dining". Urinating on a bar, yes, getting into a brawl outside a nightclub, yes, boozing into the early hours before a 4-0 thumping to bottom of the table opponents in the FA Cup, yes, drink driving, yes, a knife wound after a bit of how's your father with a team mate, yes, stealing a bracelet in Bogota, yes, a bit of drug running after you've hung up your boots, yes, but having a MEAL out with your mates after a game? Dear God, he will be reading a book next!

Tristan's Too Many Shandies!

According to a report on KUMB, Tristan has been fined for drunk driving. The KUM report reads,

"Diego Tristan has been banned from driving for 32 months after being caught drunk at the wheel.

The 33-year-old United striker, who has been enjoying a run in the first team of late was arrested after testing positive for a breath test which followed a road accident on January 25th this year."

He was driving a Porsche apparently which seems to me a terrible waste of a powerful motor. I mean, drunk or not, there's no way Tristan is ever going to be done for speeding!

West Ham Capture Two Future England Captains!

Great news from the Boleyn, two of the most exciting talents in the English game have signed extended contracts at Upton Park. Tomkins and Noble, future England captains both, have scratched an x on respective contracts and committed their blossoming futures to the mighty Irons.

Noble, a hero of the Great Escape, has been struggling this season and questions have been asked about his talents, however recent performances have suggested that he is coming through the dip and kicking on again. One of the problems is that, because he has been around for so long, some forget just how young he still is. Remember Wenger was said to be sniffing around him last summer. That is some endorsement!

Tomkins has done so well that Zola opted to stay with the kid rather than rush back Collins against Sunderland. With so many players ruled out, the clever money was surely on Zola backing the experience of Collins over the promise of Tomkins, but the talent of the lad is such that he got the nod ahead of his older colleague.

West Ham United chief Scott Duxbury says the new deals are proof of the strategy of developing home grown talent.

Duxbury said; "I am obviously very pleased we have been able to agree long-term contracts with two important members of Gianfranco Zola's squad."

"We have a clear strategy in place to continue the development of the club in the years to come and integral to this is securing the future of our young players. It is good to see that Mark and James believe in what we are trying to achieve at West Ham United and are excited about the direction in which we are heading."

The double signing is great news and points to a bright Claret & Blue future!

How good is Matthew Upson?

Well, this one shouldn't take too long! When Curbishley bought Upson, I thought, "Oh no!" and all my fears were confirmed almost immediately. The guy was a physical wreck and, at his very best, had never been anything other than marginally above ordinary anyway. Like the signings of Downpipe and Quashie, this smacked of utter desperation (Yes, I admit that I thought Boa-Morte was a good signing at the time!). Remember Upson limping off after just 10 minutes against Tottenham? He was bought to help us avoid the drop and managed just 40 minutes of football that season, missing the whole of the Great Escape in the process. Finding Upson in a West Ham shirt was like trying to spot the director's cameo in a Hitchcock movie, and we lost both games that Upson appeared in anyway.

And then we went out and bought Dyer, Bellamy and Ljungberg, and the signing of Upson suddenly seemed to make sense. Curbishley wasn't building a football team but a Casualty ward, desperately trying to fill the beds to prevent closure of the BUPA ward in Newham General Hospital. Poor Beano needed company to keep up his spirits and Curbishley was the man to find him some friends. We only needed to sign Roy Figgis to set up a remake of Only When I Laugh! (Images of baggy eyed Curbishley in the Richard Wilson role exploding, "I do not believe it!")

Then there was the lump. No, not a lump on the leg or the testicles, something much worse, the "Upson lump", that long aimless thump up-field that characterised the Curbishley era. I imagine the dressing room before the game. Upson turns to Turds and asks, "One lump or two boss?"; Curbishley rubs his eyes and replies, "At least five, then after the first ten minutes we will review the plan." It was dire and, although he was looking superb as a defender, Upson was the "Lumper In Chief", the heavy artillery of Field Marshall Curbishley's "Over the top and Charge!!!!!!!!" idea of tactics.

But look at him now! Until the build up to the recent England games, an ever present in the Prem all season after starting 33 games last season. There are stories of witchcraft and Yellow Pages inserts to keep the guy fit, but credit where credit is due, he is the modern Lazarus. His defending is now excellent, so good in fact that at times I've wished that number 6 shirt hadn't been retired - Upson deserves to wear it. And with the arrival of Zola, so the lump has been retired. Now Upson feeds the ball to a midfielder and we play from the back.

Three goalless draws in one season at Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal is unheard of at West Ham. Tomkins, Neill and Collins have all looked top notch, no doubt enhanced by playing alongside Upson. As the senior partner of the centre backs he is the defensive captain of the team and, this season, he has done that job superbly. He is my choice as Hammer of the Year.

How good is Upson? He is our best centre back since Bobby Moore, so good that he would not disgrace that number 6 shirt. And I can't pay the guy a bigger compliment than that!

Why Tottenham May Be Make or Break

Our run in is certainly tough! Everton away, Villa away, Chelsea and Liverpool at home, Stoke away - we might hope for 4 to 6 points from that lot but we certainly would not EXPECT many more, particularly with all our injuries. Zola set a target of 52 points for European qualification and it is hard to see where those are coming from. The two points surrendered against West Brom could well prove very costly. The only "banker" between now and the end of the season is Boro at home, and we didn't exactly intimidate them in the cup games did we?

So, the Tottenham game becomes huge. A defeat puts them just three points behind us with an easier run in; a draw maintains a 6 point gap, and a victory would make it incredibly difficult for them to catch us. But with all the injuries, is a victory realistic or is a repeat of the 4-0 thumping more likely?

Tottenham fans certainly seem confident. But are they cocky with justification or just Cockyfools as usual? The sending off on Saturday will definitely help us as will yet another error from Gomes. Stuff the short corners lads, get the ball in the air in the box and give Gomes the opportunity to cock up! Defensively we are much stronger than last year and Bent is hardly a one for one replacement for Barbietop is he? Lennon will fortunately be up against Ilunga rather than Neill, unless Tottenham decide to switch his flank, in which case he becomes 50% less effective anyway. In truth, when you look at their team, they aren't too much to write home about despite all that outlay of money.

But what team will we send out? We need Tristan sadly, just for his inches. If Kovac and Parker are fit, will Stanislas retain his place or will Zola play safe and go with experience? I think he should opt for safety first. One point keeps a 6 point buffer and edges us marginally closer to our target. Defeat to one of our main rivals would not just be painful but potentially disastrous.

I hope Clarke and Zola invoke the spirit that saw us shut out Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal on their own dung heaps - banks of four closing, closing, closing. Then bring on Dyer for twenty minutes and go for the jugular!

What's To Be Done With Julian Faux Pas?

Well Read Madrid don't want our derailed TGV so it looks like he will be parking his fat derriere on our bench again any time soon. I hate to think how much he is collecting in wages given he was signed during the Turds and Egg era, but it is certainly enough to fill the hamster pouches in his cheeks and stretch his shorts to the very limit. So now we have to work out what the hell we do with him.

Not surprisingly, Julian is now making noises about looking forward to returning to the Boleyn. His dream move has turned into a nightmare so why not simply slip back into the cushy little number he had before? He doesn't like our training, he doesn't like the more physical aspects of the English game, you can bet your life he doesn't like the English winter, but West Ham's money? Well he is happy to take that!

Can we make any use of him apart from boiling him down for glue? It is a long time ago now and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, but if you caste your minds back to the start of the season, then Faux Pas was actually our most potent player. From memory five of our first seven goals came from Faubert crosses or passes. Back in September I was thinking, crikey, this guy can play a bit. Then Zola arrived and the decision was made to switch him to right back. Even then the early signs were promising. Faubert looked solid and actually made some telling last ditch penalty box interceptions. But then something strange happened - suddenly Faux Pas seemed to think that the pitch ended at the half way line and getting him to cross it, never mind cross the ball, was like trying to encourage somebody scared of heights to step forward to the edge of a cliff.

All confidence now evaporated and all he seemed to want to do was release the ball as soon as he received it, even if that meant, as it invariably did, giving it to the opposition. Perhaps Zola shares some of the blame for this. Our game plan moved from long ball to short quick passing and so Faubert was perhaps simply following the manager's instructions, but the trouble is, he was crap at it! Suddenly a pass to Faubert produced the same anticipation of a groan as a pass to Boa-Morte. When that groan is stored up, it becomes so easy to release when a pass goes astray. A misplaced Noble, Collison, Parker or Behrami pass is greeted with warm applause for the attempt, a misplaced Faubert or Boa-Morte pass is greeted with groans and jeers. Inevitably, that undermines confidence and results in still more mistakes.

Personally, I think the guy can cut it in the Prem. He isn't old and he can play in two positions. It may be that his pace has gone because of that injury: it is worrying that Madrid have been disappointed with his "fitness". Perhaps that's why he is as reluctant to go round a full back as a zebra is to pass a hungry lion. If so, then we might as well scrap him. However, sometimes a loss of speed is in the head. The extra touch of the ball due to loss of confidence removes momentum and gives the opponent the chance to steady himself for the anticipated challenge. The instinct of the attacker then is to stop and turn inside - which is what Faubert does every time.

The solution? Just get Faubert running at Neill in training and whipping over crosses. If he can't do Lucash for pace, he really is a shot bolt. But if he can, the more he does it, the more his confidence will grow. He and Behrami could yet form an effective partnership down our right flank, covering for each other defensively and terrifying opposition left backs with the option of one cutting inside with the ball or the other breaking on the overlap.

I am not exactly welcoming Faubert back with open arms but I hope the fans give the guy a chance. His decision to join Madrid was fair enough - who would turn down an opportunity like that - and should not be held against him. Yes he has a fat backside, yes he looks like he is permanently sulking and yes he looked very ordinary from October onwards, but let's remember his August and September form and hope. The train now pulling in to Upton Park is the TGV away day from Madrid!

Is Wigan's Zaki The Answer?

Steve Bruce would say, "If he is, then it must be a bloody stupid question" but the guy hasn't become a bad player since Christmas. He certainly will not be staying at Wigan, that's for sure! He and Bruce seem to get on as well as Bush and Bin Laden and his no show after this week's international is surely the final nail in his Wigan coffin. Will any of the big boys want him? I doubt it now. His goals have dried up and he has a bad boy reputation into the bargain. As toxic as a take away meal in Cairo some will say.

But the fact is, the guy can play a bit. He is big, strong, can head the ball and, when his tail is up, can hit the back of the net. I liked what I saw before he fell out with Bruce and I fancy Zola would have the man management skills to make him feel special and loved. So, if he is available at a price in the region of £5m, I would say he was worth the gamble.

The Academy of Our Dreams - Not Tottenham's, Newcastle's, Sunderland's, Chelsea's, or Villa's.

We may or may not have a mega rich owner at some point in the near future but, either way, I hope desperately that we do not go the route of Tottenham, Liverpool, Chelsea et all. City supporters have taken issue with comparisons with Chelsea, justifiably pointing to the kids they have brought through in recent seasons, but we all know that in two years time, they will be the Harlem Globe Trotters of the Premier League, the team sheet packed with razzle, dazzle superstars, living in a hinterland between the professional game and a fantasy league. They will win nothing as per usual but they will win it with a swagger - and probably without a home grown player worth the name.

West Ham are different, always have been. Leaving aside the Tevez fiasco, we are the good guys of the game, playing football the way it should be played and bringing through talented youngsters for the England team. Look at the current squad and you will see Ferdinand, Cole, Carrick, Defoe, Johnson and Lampard. That, conceivably, is six starters. Who else can compare with that? Tottenham would have King but he isn't allowed to play by Doctor Redknapp and Peter Crouch, though he never kicked a ball in anger for the club so hardly counts. Liverpool have Gerrard and would have Traitor Carragher but he declines to play. Chelsea have Carlton Goals and Terry (but he started his career on West Ham's books anyway). Arsenal have Cashley Cole but then they would probably choose to forget that! Everton have Rooney. Villa boast Ivebonkedawhore and Barry, though like Defoe and Terry, his schoolboy days were spent elsewhere (Brighton). What about Manchester United, who previously contributed the backbone of Butt, the two Nevilles, Beckham and Scholes to the side? Times have changed and only Wes Brown and Beckham, a hang over from the previous era, remains. Nobody from Newcastle, only Wright-Phillips from City, though surely Micah Richards will feature soon. In fact, if we look at the squad we see that, West Ham apart, it is lower league teams who launch careers: Green (Norwich) James (Watford), Foster (Racing Club Warwick), Johnson (West Ham), Wes Brown (Man U), Cashley Cole (Arsenal), Baines (Wigan), Upson (Luton), Terry (Chelsea), Ferdinand (West Ham), Jagielka (Shafting United), Carrick (West Ham), Lennon (Leeds) Beckham (Man U), Lampard (West Ham) Gerrard (Liverpool), Barry (Brighton / Villa), Walcott (Southampton), Joe Cole (West Ham), Hargreaves (Calgary Foothills), Downing (Boro) Carlton Goals (Chelsea), Heskey (Leicester) Rooney (Everton), Defoe (Charlton / West Ham), Bent (Ipswich), Ivebonkedawhore (Villa), Young (Watford) Wright-Phillips (City), Crouch (Tottenham with a cough!).

It is a sobering thought for the fans in the North East that Calgary Foothills and Racing Club Warwick combined have produced more current England players than the three North East Giants put together. Is it any wonder the three "sleeping giants" are nearly in a coma?

Why have I bothered with this breakdown? Well England could almost send out a team made up of players raised or signed by West Ham: 1.James or Green 2.Johnson 3.Upson 4.Carrick 5.Rio Ferdinand 6 Tomkins or Anton 7.Lampard 8.Noble 9.Carlton 10.Defoe 11.Joe Cole. Now that wouldn't be the best England team ever, I accept, but nor would it be the worst! That is nothing short of incredible and no other club could come close. Certainly that team would tonk any side composed exclusively of English born players linked to any other club. The message to any promising kid in the game is clear - join West Ham!

And my main point? I want this to continue. If a big money owner comes in, then it should be the signal to stop selling our talent not to go out and buy a team made elsewhere. Let's make West Ham the Academy of Our Dreams and not the Brit School for other club's theatres of dreams!

Where are you Tottenham and Manchester City? (Ashes asks!)

A terrific afternoon for the Hammers but not so good for the wannabees, Citeh and Spuds. Ha Ha! The look of horror on Harry's Jowly Face said it all. He thought that a dodgy penalty, and Keane arrogantly placing the ball IN FRONT of the penalty spot, were going to be enough to get them home. His players thought it was enough. They thought they were going to rocket into 7th place. They thought they were too good for their Chelsea-beating boots. Ha Ha! They should have asked the mighty, mighty Hammers how hard it is to beat Blackburn on their dung heap. Just a couple of yellow cards (which Palacios can't appeal) and Bob's your uncle: McCarthy and Oojier sent them packing with the help of Gomes. Justly. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch! (sorry for laying on the schadenfreude so thick mates, but ... no, wait a minute, NOT sorry).

Similar story at the Emirates. Another team that was supposed to be "going places". A team so good that the Putter-Nutter said, "I'd be crazy to turn down the offer to be part of something so big". A team that cannot score away from home! How much did they pay for Ribena? He has only scored once in 2009 - and that was for Brazil!

On this day, two young Academy products, one just turned twenty the other nineteen, showed anybody who cared to watch (not that Citeh and Spuds think we're worth watching) how it is done: with spirit, with tenacity, with skill, with style, with grace, with FUN.

THANK YOU HAMMERS FOR MAKING MY DAY!!!

The Mordant Org

Things are looking a bit desperate over at the Mordant Org. Even Archbishop Aycliffe has resorted to asking where everybody has gone and saying a prayer for the soul of the formerly vibrant West Ham chat forum. His reference to a self imposed ban brought Tricky Dicky Nixon out of his bunker to protest that the Klan Komittee had not Konvened to Knock out another Kontributer. Grumpy (pictured pleasuring a Henry?) of course put it down to international week and claimed it is always slack during weeks when west Ham are not playing, but that hardly explains why there was more chat and laughter at Jade Goody's funeral than in the Org's chat rooms today. West Ham decimated by injuries sweep aside Sunderland, featuring a returning Anton, with goals from two Academy boys, and the best the Org can muster is Grumpy's "Go Dyer" and the woefully inaccurate "I can feel another goal coming..." I'm waiting Dave. I'm waiting. As usual, you don't know what you're fking talking about! Mind you, that hardly compares with his opinion that there is nothing left to play for! I thought we were trying to get into Europe!

The truth of the matter, of course, is that if you stifle debate, you smother a forum. Controversy feeds debate; if everybody agrees with everybody else, there's nothing to talk about. The Org is dying on its feet whilst the back slappers gradually creep away, bored by the hollowness of the contributions. How long before the Klan find themselves talking to themselves? Hi Wrighty. Hi Dave. Hi Irons. Alright Bruv? How you diddling Bruv? Remember that club in Chelmsford Bruv? Cattle market Bruv. LOL Bruv. Carlton Cole is crap Bruv. Too right Bruv. Hi Jase. How you diddling Bruv? Great Bruv. Boys did good Bruv. Boys always do good Bruv. Support the manager Bruv. Support the club Bruv. Too right Bruv. Hate the Spuds Bruv. Hate the Spuds too Bruv. Better without Fanno Bruv. Much better Bruv. Still there Dave? Dave, you still there bruv? Still there Jase? Still there Irons? Well I'm still here, not in Shanghai but here. Anybody else here? Bruv? Bruv? Bruv? Talk to me Bruv!

West Ham v Sunderland. A Tale of Two Colts and an Old Nag!

On and upwards! I got the formation wrong, not least because I had a brainstorm and forgot Noble, but what a great afternoon at Upton Park. No Beano, no Cole, no Collison, no Kovac, no Parker, no Gabbidon, all of whom would walk into the Sunderland team, and we tonked them - well Tomkinsed them anyway.

All the team were heroes in the circumstances - it would have been so easy to accept a draw and blame the casualty list - but three stood out for me. Stanislas and Tomkins obviously, when young kids from the Academy score it sends a thrill down the spine, but the joker in the pack was that old nag, Luis Boa-Morte. On this showing, the guy does have something to offer. Had his shot not been blocked near the end, he might even have got on the score sheet! Now that would have been a bigger shock than the 100-1 winner of the National!

From back to front, we played well as a team, passing and moving impressively and looking superior to Blunderland in every area of the pitch. Watching their performance, you have to worry for the Black Prats. How much have they spent to assemble that team? It has to be the biggest waste of money this side of Lloyds buying HBOS. Black cats, black horses, black days ahead possibly! The decision not to start Kenwyne was perverse and made Tomkins and Upson's afternoon so much easier. Was that Niall Quinn yelling "Ricky I want to talk to you!" at the end of the game or was it just a re-run of Bianca yelling in Eastenders?

Sad to see Spector stretchered from the pitch, let's hope it is only concussion. What on earth was Tristan up to on those corners? Noble clearly didn't want him out there and time wasting when winning 2-0 was negative and stupid. Somebody needs to tell the guy that at West Ham we play the game in the right spirit! The laughable moment when Tristan took the short corner, then danced round the Sunderland player and left the ball behind was a collector's piece but it led directly to poor Ilunga collecting a yellow card as Sunderland counter attacked. Those moments apart, Tristan looked better than previously. He moved for a start! But joking apart, he had a better than fair game, as did Di Michele. Perhaps the clever money was on us to win this one eh David?

Green was a worry though wasn't he? He is still flapping badly at crosses. Collins preserved our clean sheet with yet another "goal line" clearance but Green should not be putting his defenders in this position with his rushes of blood when the ball is lumped into our box. England keeper? Not on this showing!

But I don't want to end on a negative. Tomkins, Noble, Stanislas - all products of the Academy and the best of the bunch, Collison wasn't available. Let's hope Freddie Sears can find his feet and come again. These are happy times for us Hammers!

Faubert Shock!

The world of football was reeling today with the shock news that Real Madrid will not be exercising their option to buy Julian Faubert on a permanent deal in the summer. Having had hardly any opportunity to show what he can do, the West Ham and France star is to be sent packing when the present season ends. Once again, it seems, Jaunde Ramos has managed to pull disaster from the jaws of opportunity.

Faubert himself has spoken of his disappointment at the decision. Ever the self effacing, modest, diplomat, the Flying Frenchman (returning no doubt on Ryanair) has refused to criticise Ramos or the Spanish giants, although he must be stunned by the decision. As missed opportunities go, this is surely up there with Leeds United's decision to sell Cantona to Manchester United.

"The boy is a genius", said Faubert's mystified agent. "Madrid have simply failed to get the best out of him. People were surprised when the deal was initially announced and questioned the sanity of Ramos, but Julian and I knew that his performances at West Ham did not reflect his true ability. The English game is far too rough and tumble for somebody like Julian. He is an artist, not a painter and decorator. West Ham wanted him to, how do you say in English, bosh, bosh, bosh, but Julian wanted to create a work of art. And that takes time. It isn't all about going round a full back and whipping in a cross, it is about style and finesse. The Va Va Voom as Thiery Henry describes it."

Poor Faubert now faces the unhappy prospect of returning to the Hammers and suffering the taunts of the fans and the brutal training regimes at the club. "It will be a living hell for him," his agent Totale Merde told us. "I only hope that one of the other major clubs see sense and sign him. Who knows, he could be a Manchester United, Barcelona or Milan player by the start of next season."

Team For Sunderland.

Zola faces a few selection dilemmas ahead of the game today. At the back, assuming Upson isn't saving himself for England games and Collins for the Welsh, a choice has to be made between Tomkins and Ginge. Up front, it is a case of "Is there anybody on the books who can score?" and in midfield, "Who is fit and how adventurous are we prepared to be?".

Lessons can perhaps be learned from the victory at Sunderland but, the more I think about that game, the more the conundrum deepens (do conundrums deepen?). At the back, Collins had a Tale of Two Cities, the best of times and the worst of times. Second half, the Sunderland crosses unerringly found that shock of receding red hair in our penalty box. By the end of the game, Collins must have had a headache! However, Cisse, in truth, gave him a torrid time and should have bagged three. After the game, there was plenty of discussion about whether Sunderland should have had a pen for Collins pulling down Jones in the box and whether Collins should have stayed on the pitch after a tangle of bodies when Neptune tried to burst clear. Go back to last season and Jones mugged Upson all game at Upton Park and we were lucky to come away with a 3-1 victory, scoring twice in the last ten minutes. I would go with Tomkins and Upson personally, trusting to their pace to counter the threat of Cisse running onto the ball 'over the top' but I say that with no real conviction. Jones might then bag two with his head! Neill will revert to right back and Ilunga is a given on the left of defence.

Up front, it sounds as if Zola has decided to go with Tristan. I can see the sense in that because we need somebody to play off. However, there was no big man up front when we beat Sunderland on their dung heap, Bellamy and Sears buzzed around and ran Sunderland's back four ragged. And it was Bellyache who came on and destroyed Sunderland at UP last season. I'm pleased we sold Period Pains, £14m was a fantastic settlement, but boy could we do with him today. Anton must be smiling at the prospect of stopping Di Michele and Tristan on his first return to the Boleyn. There can't be many less potent strike forces in the Prem if we are honest. A whole season with those two up front would spell relegation!

What about more daring alternatives? Personally I would love to see Dyer start, playing just behind Tristan with Savio wide left and Stanislas wide right. That is the only line up that I can see putting Blunderland onto the back foot. With Parker and Kovac (if fit) anchoring midfield, we should look to camp in Sunderland's half and terrify their full backs with pace.

So my team would read: Green; Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga; Stanislas, Kovac, Parker, Savio; Dyer, Tristan. However, I anticipate seeing Di Michele for Dyer and Boa-Morte for either Stanislas or Savio as Clarke persuades Zola to play it safe. I never predict results but I am not confident! Have a great day anyway Marty!

Postscript: I forgot Noble! How did I forget Noble?

Newcastle Fans, How Selfish Is Shearer?

Did you hear that incredible quotation? "A friend asked if I didn't take the job and Newcastle survived, wouldn't I regret it? And the answer was yes." A slip of the tongue or a short circuit into the guy's subconscious? Why is he back exactly? To save the club or to perpetuate the myth that, like Keegan, King Al can walk on water?

It is high time the Geordies checked out the story of King Canute. The tide will come in no matter who orders it not to. Shearer, as ever, is looking after number nine, looking for personal glory and adulation. If he had really had the interests of the club at heart, he would have stepped in as soon as Keegan left, or when Kinnear was rushed into hospital. Trouble is, he could then have been judged and might have been deemed a failure. Now, if the Loony Toons go down, everyone will say, "What chance did he stand, there were only 8 games left when he took over and the transfer window was closed."

Ginola was on the radio this morning and talking about how boring Shearer was as a person. He termed him a "winner on the pitch" but suggested that he was uninspiring in the dressing room. Well he can't bang in the goals from the dug out so it is his ability to motivate in that dressing room that will now count. He sends me to sleep as soon as he starts droning on MOTD so I can't see how he is going to get anybody fired up personally. He reminds me of Curbishley - boring, boring, boring. Tell me, how often does the return of an ex player as manager signal success? Not often! But why does that matter, if it doesn't work, it won't be Alan's fault will it?

It is Heads Al wins, Tails Al wins. And Newscastle? The castle doesn't count, it is only the King that matters!

Why we owe our survival to Anton Ferdinand!

Anton made his debut in August 2003, as a very young centre back and he remains young. We have said of Tomkins that he is learning his trade. Well, Anton is probably still developing. Brother Rio has unquestionably just had his best season ever this year. So, what do the stats show about Anton's effect on West Ham's win to games played ratio over his career at the club? Did he make a positive difference to our results when he was in the team? Well in 163 games with Anton in the team, West Ham won 43.56% of their games. Over the five full seasons that Anton was in the team, the win ratio in all league games played stood at 39.3%. So, we actually won more games with Anton in the team than we did without him in the team. And he was learning his trade at the time. Yes he made mistakes, but who doesn't? Of course, a mistake by a centre half, like a mistake by a keeper, tends to be higher profile.

The most amazing facts emerge when we look at the year of the Great Escape however (2006/07). During that traumatic season, Anton played in EVERY game that we won. In none of the seven league games that he missed did we get a victory! Nor was he in the team that lost 3-0 to Palermo, nor was he in the team that crashed out of the cup to Watford. Ferdinand's win percentage that season was 44%, and overall the team had a win ratio of just 31% for the whole season. Looked at one way, that is a net difference folks of 13%! Looked at another way, we had a win ratio of 0% when Anton wasn't playing and of 44% when he was! That is some difference! It gets better still. Anton also played in ALL our drawn league games that season except the 3-3 home draw against Fulham, which is not really a result a defender would want to associate himself with. So EVERY point we gained except for one in that disastrous season was gained with Ferdinand IN the team! We thought it was Tevez, Neill and Noble who saved us! Well the facts show that Ferdinand was absolutely key to our survival. Had we won 44% of all our games (the ratio of victories when Ferdinand was IN the team), we would have ended the season with 50 points!

We owe a debt of gratitude to Anton and I expect to see him in an England shirt at some point in the future. Check out Sunderland’s comparative results with and without Anton in the team this season, and you will see that he has made a positive difference there too.

All that said, I hope he makes a couple of errors tomorrow and hands us a brace of goals. Without Cole, I'm not sure how else we are going to score!

Why, why, why, Boa-Morte?

With no Cole, no Behrami and no Collison (not much point in mentioning the absence of Beano), the chances are we will see Luis Boa-Morte in action tomorrow. Some Hammers fans are confused by the "enigma" that is Boa, wondering how a player who looked so good before he joined us, can look so consistently awful in Claret and Blue. Those fans have selective memories of Boa before he was ours.

Let’s examine his record. Just 46 career goals during a playing career stretching to over 300 club games hardly represents "scoring for fun" does it? At full international level, playing in a very good Portugal team, he mustered a grand total of just 2 goals in 25 games. He did score for fun in his first season at Fulham, notching 18 of those 46 career goals in just 39 games - but that was in the Fizzy Pop!

And that, sadly, is where Boa belongs!

Let Southampton Be a Warning

I remember a New Year's Eve in Southampton. At midnight the air was filled with a terrible dirge, like witches howling with tooth ache. All the ships in the docks were sounding their fog horns to signal the New Year and it sounded like time itself was coming to an end, drowning beneath a mournful hymn to sorrow.

I have a soft spot for the Saints. I was at Uni in Southampton and as a kid traveled up once every season from Yeovil to watch West Ham play at the Dell. Remember Terry Paine, Davies, Channon, Keegan, Stokes, Osgood, Ball, Shearer and co? Remember that Cup Final victory over United? Remember how they were a permanent fixture in the top division?

Today their holding company went into receivership and the club has been placed in the hands of the administrators. If a buyer cannot be found, the club may cease to exist. That would be a travesty, a disaster. Every true fan in the land must hope that the Saints can find a saviour.

But looking beyond Southampton, this all has an uncomfortably familiar ring to it. We are owned by a holding company that is on a stay of execution which runs out in a little over two months' time. If we haven't been sold by then, we could well find ourselves in the same position as Southampton. Major car companies may cease to exist in the coming months, high street clearing banks may yet go to the wall, football clubs are small beer in the circumstances.

I can hear those fog horns wailing as I write. I hope they herald a new year and a prosperous future for both the Saints and ourselves. I hope, but I am by no means certain.

Get Off Curbishley's Back (Says Phil The Tinker)

Fanno, what are you on about?

I remember Curbs palming off the credit to the players after every match, praising their performances. Pardew was taking us down and Curbs kept us up, and yet you still prefer Pardew; why?

Curbs didn't play attractive football but at the end of the day, during the great escape, were you really concerned with our style of play or just picking up the results?

The next season we gave him a chance to get us mid table security, and although it was one hell of a boring season, he did it. This season he couldn't take us further in the opinion of pretty much everyone, but he did exactly what was asked. Why continue to bombard him with insults?

I wasn't a happy hammer under Curbs, but we achieved what we needed to. What has Pardew gone on to do? Nothing! Don't get me wrong I loved Pardew as a personality and he got us up and into the FA Cup final, two things I will never forget, but the man was taking us down to the fizzy pop league.

Maybe you should drop some grudges and look at things realistically. You like looking at stats, maybe you should look at the one important stat, we are still in the Premier League. If you are writing a book on this, you really need to become more receptive to other people's opinions otherwise your entire book is going to be one sided and never get published.

As I said earlier last season, I didn't enjoy last season because we were a boring team, but I think the reason we were so boring is because there was nothing to get worked up about. Look at it like this:

Season 1 - Relegation
Season 2 - Lose Play off final
Season 3 - Win Play off final
Season 4 - FA Cup Final
Season 5 - Fight for our lives in a relegation dog fight
Season 6 - Nothing
This Season fighting for Europe.

So was it the football that was boring or the season? Look at things from more than one perspective for a change otherwise you will never become an author.

Phil The Tinkler

Where was Upson?

So where was Upson last night? I'm not talking about the original selection, I am not myopic enough to think that he will get into the England side ahead of Terry and Ferdinand, but why didn't he come on when Ferdinand went off injured? After playing in 6 of the last 7 games, without letting the side down, why wasn't he the first man that Capello turned to when Rio went for an early bath? Jagielka? Really? This was the guy who gave away possession for the first Spain goal and who looked the more uncertain of the centre backs all game. Protecting a slender one goal lead as we were, I was shocked to see the fourth choice coming on ahead of the third. What was Capello up to?

Of course, apologists for Fabio will point to the fact that we did not surrender the lead and so the decision was vindicated, but the ex Shafting United man did give away two free kicks in his short time on the pitch, and the only way that Ukraine were going to score was from a set play, so he can hardly have been described as having a stormer! What was going on? I hope Upson didn't express displeasure when left out, so blotting his copy book. I don't think Fabio takes too kindly to players questioning his decisions.

And what about the rest? Well talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous! We looked fantastic on Saturday but from kick off, we showed Ukraine far too much respect - we almost looked scared and I can't work out why. James was awful and Cole was even worse. Terry scored that crucial goal but, at the back, seemed to struggle when challenging for the ball in the air. Is his back playing him up? Johnson didn't have a good game either and the Ukraine goal came from a rebound off his body. Barry collected his yellow far too early and might have been sent off by a more fussy referee whilst Lennon looked what he is, a speed merchant whose brain can't keep up with his feet. And I'm sorry but Lampard and Gerrard seemed to be on different wavelengths again. Even Beckham looked subdued, although inevitably it was from his cross that we scored the winner. Crouch took his goal well but didn't convince me - although his scoring record for England is sensational, averaging very close to one goal every two games. Carlton Cole critics take note, Heskey doesn't score as many as Crouch but England look so much better when Emile plays. Which brings us to Rooney. He stood out like the real jewel, the true World Class player but Rooney is Rooney - in a World Cup he might see red for THAT challenge, even though he connected with the ball first. Lampard and Gerrard both looked away wincing, fearing the worst.

We will still win the World Cup but only if we can keep Rooney fit and on the pitch. Argentina won it once with an ordinary team supporting Maradonna; we have a good team supporting Rooney so are actually stronger. We still have Defoe, Cole and Walcott to come into this squad and Hargreaves might recover to take Barry's place at some point. Left back and goalkeeper are the big headaches, that and Rooney's fitness, both physical and mental!

The Turning of a Gooner (Marty and Son's Story)

Soon after I first posted on the now mordant org, there was a very good discussion about our memories of “the great escape”. I contributed with the story of my son who, seven years old at the time and an Arsenal fan like his grandfather, watched the first win in our amazing run. For one reason and another he watched every game thereafter and became a kind of talisman. Anyway, I incurred the wrath of the reverend delMonte for my failure to ensure that my son worshipped at the claret and blue altar. When I admitted that it was indeed partly my fault, even the normally mild mannered archbishop Aycliffe saw fit to castigate me with words that to this day send a shiver down my spine.

But then, last summer whilst walking down the architecturally staggering streets of the city of Milton Keynes, who should I bump into? Only the legend that is Billy Bonds. “Look son” I said “that’s Billy Bonds, my favourite player from when I was a lad!” He didn’t believe me, so I walked up to Billy and, gentleman that he is, he gave me a few minutes of his time. My lad’s jaw dropped and when he saw that around the corner were the boys of ’66 doing a signing, he was star struck. I pointed out to him that the one’s on either end (perhaps there is truth in that rumour) were Hurst and Peters, also, I told my son, West Ham legends; and that dear old Bobby Moore should have been there too.

Later that afternoon he said to me, “Dad, when you get me a new football kit can I have a West Ham one?” The clouds parted, the sun burst through and a chorus of angels sang. “Haaaaallelujah!! Hallelujah, Hallelujah” I was onto the club shop next morning and within forty eight hours I was dropping him off at training……………in claret and blue.

“Nice kit” said his coach, who was fed up with seeing the usual big four colours. My little heart fair burst out of my chest with pride.

And so we come full circle; he will be receiving his first communion at the holy chapel of the Boleyn when we play Sunderland………… and I can’t wait!!

(Story told by El Martillo. Any other stories of conversions on the way to John Lewis or of fond memories that are West Ham related - let me know and I will post them!)

Shearer Nonsense! Wake Me Up When You Go Go!

Can you Adam and Eve it? King Kev is dead, long live King Al! How many times has Shearer turned down the job at Newscastle? Now with zero personal accountability because he can't buy and can't sell and so has a ready made excuse for failure, he walks back into Newscastle on a "Heads I win, Tails I win" basis. Newscastle avoid the drop and it will all be down to Shearer; Newscastle go down, well what chance did the lad stand with only eight games to save them?

Remember how Curbishley claimed the credit for saving us on the back of the Great Escape? The truth of the matter is, of course, that his appalling management took us to the brink and beyond, only for a miraculous series of beneficial coincidences, triggered by the goal that never was at Blackburn, to save us. If Newscastle do go down, Shearer will have played just as big a negative part as Curbishley because he has behaved in an incredibly selfish way all season, flirting with the job and, in the process, undermining the incumbents. Now he returns like the Messiah, walking on the Tyne, safe in the knowledge that he can only take the plaudits, not the brickbats.

I do hope he falls flat on his face. He has bored us senseless on Match of The Day so I struggle to see how he can be inspirational in the dressing room. What's that noise drowning out your team talk Alan? Snoring?

Or is this all an April Fool? Hang on, I laughed at Old Skool and I've just put my head into the noose! You couldn't write it!