Wet Behind the Sears?

Speculation is rife that Stewey may moonlight from Family Guy and don the Claret and Blue in tonight's Go West double header at Upton Park. Let's face it, he couldn't be any smaller nor less talented than the supposedly precocious baby face assassin Sears has appeared so far this season.

Remember that glorious goal scoring debut and all the hullabaloo that followed because we had found the "new Tony Cottee"? Well six starts and ten appearances as substitute this season, none of which have yielded a goal, suggest that Freddie Not Such a Star Sears may be to the Premiership what Cottee was to the England team - a damp squib.

What concerns me most are his headless chicken runs into the six yard box. Time and again, when partnered with Period Pains (Bellyache to the uninitiated), Sears raced into the six yard box as the Welsh Whiner burst down the left flank, when a more intelligent striker would have checked his run and made a pull back pass available. The first time he did it, we could put it down to youthful impetuosity, the second time to teenage angst, the third time to schoolboy enthusiasm, but the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth times? Sadly I fear that Freddie Sears may have the same number of GCSEs as Freddie Flintstone.

Against Miserableboro, Sears looked completely out of his depth. To say that taking the ball off him was as easy as taking sweets off a baby would be unfair on nappy fillers, because the baby will, at least, throw a tantrum and chuck its toys out of the pram. Poor Freddie just went a brighter shade of acne, embarrassment turning to shame turning to humiliation as the night wore on. The arrival of Di Michele as a substitute would have done nothing to boost the kid's confidence because suddenly there was a new dimension to our attacking play. For the first time, we actually looked as if we might score.

If he is selected, tonight could be make or break time for Freddie. To be fair to him, he has been poorly served by Zola recently. Why throw in a kid against Wheater and Huth at Boro? Why leave him up on his own away to the Monkey Hangers? Why throw him on with fifteen minutes to go when in desperate need of an equaliser, but without anybody in midfield to provide him with the pass for a goal scoring opportunity?

I had the misfortune to witness the Di Michele-Sears combination away to Watford and they looked as co-ordinated together as Todd and Colleen would as a pair in Dancing On Ice. They were never on the same wavelength and, at times, it was painful to watch. I am no fan of Tristan but, given the choice, I would prefer him up front alongside Di Michele because at least we would have some sort of physical presence. Without Collison and Cole, I genuinely wonder where the goals will come from.

That's not to say I have given up on Sears mind you. It would be great to see him start and grab an early goal. Maybe then we would see a nascent Cottee . However, a quick check of the record books shows that Cottee bagged five goals in his first season - in just nine appearances, five of which were as a substitute. If he is more TC than Benny, Freddie is overdue a goal. If one is too long in coming the conclusion must be that he is more Ade Coker than Tony Cottee, a loud bang on entry followed by a rather sad whimper.

West Ham For Sale - Brilliant Investment Potential!

According to some reports the figure to settle the Tevez affair is £10million, others put it at £15m, others still set the figure at £25m. All are in agreement that the settlement is to be spread over a number of years, with some claiming a complicated sliding scale based on how many pickled onions Noble's Nanna eats with her Boxing Day cold turkey and creamy mash. But at the end of the day, the figure we have agreed with Shafting United doesn't matter, what we should be focused on is that Gudmundsson is no longer in control of what happens: the future of our club is now in the hands of five merchant bankers!

Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all? Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "

But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt? How much is the club worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co?

I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants. So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, please send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!

Who wants to be a Ten Millionaire?

£10 Million to the Blunted Blades in settlement of their dodgy claim over the Tevez affair? Is that a cough I hear in the audience? I am certainly choking at the idea of Black McCabbie and his Board of Bandits pocketing ten million Claret and Blue readies in compensation for having a crap team and surrendering in the "loser takes nothing" showdown with Wigan Pathetic two years back. Tevez relegated Sheffield United did he? Wasn't he in the team that laid down and died at Bramall Lane and didn't he play a part in stuffing Wigan on their own dunghill a couple of weeks later? Based on those two games, Tevez and his rude mechanicals did their level best to keep the Stained and Steel-less in the division, so it's hardly our fault that Warlock's Whingers still managed to blow it!

But, to be fair to them, Shafted United were indeed unfairly pushed through the relegation trap door by the misdeeds of one man, the true villain of the piece who single-handedly secured the then hopeless Hammers three points unfairly. But that man wasn't called Carlito Tevez. In fact Tevez did his level best to intervene and prevent this terrible miscarriage of justice. The Red Stripes' actual assassin was not Scarface Tevez but a certain Howard Webb who, after already awarding a soft penalty, allowed Zamora's goal against Blackburn, despite Bowyer handling in the build up and an offside Tevez sportingly preventing the ball from crossing the line.

Now Lord Justice Nonothing can say that Tevez kept us up as much as he likes but the fact is, that victory over Blackburn halted the most disastrous run in my living memory and served as the springboard for our Great Escape. Until that goal was given, we were dead and buried and all Tevez's goals would have come to nothing had we failed to win that game; and that my learned friend is beyond all argument! So come on Webby, dig deep son and share your ill gotten gains with the poor Northern beggars. Carlito is innocent! It was Webby what done it!

The Dog Fight at the Bottom

With Blackburn winning tonight, the importance of back to back victories against City and Wigan has come sharply into focus. Just imagine for a moment if Ribena had put away that first half chance and we had slipped to another 1-0 home defeat. Confidence would have been low going into the Wigan game and another defeat would have been probable. Take off those six points and we would be sitting on a very vulnerable 33 points, just 5 ahead of Pompey who are third from bottom with a game in hand. On such margins does a season turn. Zola's stock is soaring at the moment; but he would have been as popular as an ex RBS Chairman had we found ourselves sitting just a point ahead of Tottenham and out of the Cup into the bargain!

The question is, how many points will it take to stay up? Well with Pompey third from bottom with a point more than games played, it is beginning to look as if a minimum of 40 will be required to survive. The nightmare of relegation despite accumulating 42 points is still too fresh in my memory for me to relax entirely. Yes, I can hear the half glass empty jibes and know that relegation from this position should be beyond even West Ham, but I will remain anxious until we have hit 43 points. Zola can aim for Europe; I still have half an eye on that drop zone!

Who will go down? West Brom will drop, even if they complete the double over us at Upton Park on Monday, but the other two is still anybody's guess. Boro should go but the corpse kicked back against ourselves and Liverpool in their last two home games so they can't be written off yet. Pompey have removed the millstone of Adams from their neck and have a reasonable squad of players: James, Campbell, Johnson and Crouch surely should not be in a relegated side - but then again, two of those went down with us! Newscastle remain an intriguing possibility. Going forward they look far too good to drop but they do have a self destruct button at the back which could see them throw away vital points. We went down with Di Canio, Kanoute and Cole because we couldn't defend so why shouldn't Newscastle with Owen, Martins and Duff?

Blackburn? It was a huge result at Fulham and I fancy Allardyce to work his magic. They will punch their way to safety aka Bolton. Hull looked dead until they won at Fulham and I still fancy them to go. The team is ordinary at best and the management team don't look so great all of a sudden. One very bad piece of transfer business and suddenly Phil Brown looks human and it was always going to need somebody superhuman to keep this Hull team up. Stoke should also go but they don't seem to understand that. The script for the season, which had all three promoted teams relegated, seems to have got lost in the post and this team of brick shithouses may yet secure a place in next season's Prem; unless Ethers has backed them to stay up of course!

Bolton surely won't go - their home form should see them to safety. Tottenham definitely won't be in the Fizzy Pop next season, they possess far too much ability. Fulham, however, might now be looking anxiously over the shoulder. Home defeats against Hull and Blackburn is not what you need at this stage of the season. Confidence will be low and if Johnson picks up an injury, they may struggle to claim all three points against any opposition.

When all is said and done, I fancy WBA, Boro and Hull to drop; but the sooner we reach 43 points, the better! I keep having this nightmare about an end of season shoot out with Boro, winner takes all!

How good was this prediction?

From June 23, 2008. You heard it here first!

"Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?

Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.

To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!

Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!

One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.

Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!"

Never mind the dismissal of Scolari, the linking of him and Hiddink in the same paragraph is bordering on the spooky.

Three months from twelve

A translation of the final ruling in Iceland:

"Two hundred and fifty million ducats; 'tis a good round sum. Three months from twelve; then, let me see; the rate--Two hundred and fifty million ducats for three months and Björgólfur Guðmundsson bound. My meaning in saying he is a good man is to have you understand me that he is sufficient. Yet his means are in supposition: he hath a bank in Iceland, another in the Indies; I understand moreover, upon the Rialto, he hath a third in Mexico, a fourth in England, and other ventures he hath, squandered abroad. But banks are but Boards, Boards but men: there be land-rats and water-rats, water-thieves and land-thieves, I mean pirates, and then there is the peril of toxic debt, mortgages and foreclosure. The man is, notwithstanding, sufficient. Two hundred and fifty million ducats; I think I may take his bond."

But God help us if Shylock actually claims his pound of flesh!

No News Is Good News?

Well the End may have been nigh but it would appear that we can, for the time being at least, give a sigh of relief. The court case has come, the court case has gone and we are still here. Well as far as we know we are still here anyway. The silence from the land of glaciers is deafening.

Of course it would have helped if we had had a game this weekend. Some evidence of activity from the patient would be good. The club is still breathing presumably, there is still a pulse I trust, the government hasn't taken a 55% stake in the club hopefully!

No sign of a Pickfords van outside the ground I presume?

Wigan 0 West Ham 1; Reason 0 Attwell 5

If ever a referee did his best to destroy a game of football then it must surely be Attwell last night. This is the clown who gave the "goal that never was" when Watford played Reading; and for his follow up party piece, he showed a red for "a foul that never was" at the JJB last night. Poor Carlton Goals, he was dumbfounded that the referee had blown up for a free kick in the first place and before he knew what was going on, he was looking at red. And for what exactly? From what I could see, for keeping his eye on the ball and then getting his foot on the end of it. That foot which made contact with the ball did not connect with a Wigan player and no actual foul was committed. Yes I can accept the argument for a free kick for a high foot, but a red card? Dear God, on that basis Crouch should have been sent off for those overhead bicycle kick goals! I bet this guy is only a referee in his twenties because when he was a kid, nobody would pick him to play in the teams at lunchtime. He was the one left at the end of the selection process, fat and spotty, waiting for oft repeated words, "You're left with Attwell then. We have kick off". From what I have seen. he doesn't understand the first thing about football because he's never actually played the game. On the evidence of the Watford debacle, he doesn't even know that the round shaped thing has to go into one of the funny fishing nets for a goal to be awarded!

And what a shame because until Attwell's risible intervention, this was shaping up to be a cracker! What a goal! Yes you will see goals thumped in from long distance but this, for me, was the goal of the season. Six one touch pinged passes, Cole pulling off the shoulder of the last defender and curling in a beaut of a finish. Carlton has his critics, and sometimes he does look lumbering, like when through one on one with Kirkland, but some of his goals this season have been sublime - against Newcastle and Stoke in particular. This swivel and strike style of finish suits him perfectly, he gets a lovely bend on the shot as it curls into the net. In fact, the finish tonight was Zolaesque and there aren't many bigger compliments than that! How absurd that his glory was tarnished by Attwell's bid for the spotlight.

And it's not as if that was all the clown with the cards got wrong. Luckless SHOULD have gone. His foul on Cattermole was a would be leg breaker and, of course, set up the Wigan player's retaliation on Parker which rightfully led to his red. As soon as Neill did him, you knew there would be a reprisal, and Parker played his part to perfection, going down as if hit by a dumdum bullet and rolling in agony for maximum effect. Ten out of ten Scotty for sealing the decision!

Beyond that, there's not a lot to report. Defensively we were superb, the banks of four marshaling Wigan into blind alleys all evening. Tomkins got under a couple of crosses but, apart from that, was superb; Neill gave away possession in the centre circle and two unnecessary free kicks outside our box in the first fifteen minutes but was otherwise disciplined - except when apparently trying to break Cattermole's leg (Brown should have been the target Luckless!); Upson was his usual unfussy self; Ilunga was back to his best; Noble ran his heart out and twice nearly pinched a goal; Kovac has a problem when players run at him but was otherwise impressive, picking up bits and pieces in front of the back four and releasing short simple passes; Collison played one brilliant pass to Cole and was involved in so much neat, high speed interpassing; and Di Michele ran himself into the ground for the team. One player, Cole apart, has not been mentioned. Parker tonight was a giant. I have no time for Turds but the signing of both Parker and Upson were absolute masterstrokes. Tonight Parker tackled, covered, passed, drove forward, shot on target and signed the contract on Cattermole's dismissal. It truly was a midfield masterclass and we were so good in that crucial midfield area that Behrami was not missed at all!

Sadly, however, the night will be remembered for two cruel blows - the dismissal of Cole and the carbon copy of the Behrami injury suffered by Collison. I joked when Curbishley was in charge that he had refused to buy a sprig of lucky heather off a gypsy outside Upton Park and brought down a curse upon our club. Well Turds came out this week and bleated that Zola had been lucky with injuries. I bet the sad eyed bastard has been back to that gypsy, bought up the whole of her heath and asked her to extend the curse to Zola!

Near Miss!

From Yahoo: "An asteroid of a similar size to a rock that exploded above Siberia in 1908 with the force of a thousand atomic bombs whizzed close past Earth on Monday, astronomers said on Tuesday. The gap was just 72,000 kilometers (44,750 miles), or a fifth of the distance between Earth and the Moon and only twice the height of satellites in geosynchronous orbit, the website space.com said. The estimated size is similar to that of an asteroid or comet that exploded above Tunguska, Siberia, on June 30 1908, flattening 80 million trees in a swathe of more than 2,000 square kilometres (800 square miles). The asteroid was spotted last Saturday by astronomers at the Siding Spring Survey in Australia, and was verified by the International Astronomical Union's Minor Planet Centre (MPC), which catalogues Solar System rocks. In view of its size and catostrophic potential, the boffins have decided to name the asteroid Faubert's Arse."

Westhamfans.org

You know, there is so much I love about West Ham but so much I detest too. Perhaps it is true of all clubs, having supported the one side all my life I have no way of knowing, but our fan base has a particularly unsavory element. Look in on Westhamfans.org and take in some of the hideous views on display in what purports to be a football forum.

I am banned for daring to have an opinion of my own but, in a way, I see that as a badge of honour. The barely concealed racism is revolting and the aggressive bigotry detestable. Mind you, the mock camaraderie and appalling mockney really takes the biscuit. "Alright bruv, don't you just hate the Erics, Yids" and all that sad sad sad guff, it turns the stomach. If you look in here, look in there too. Some of the posters are quality. El Martillo and Old Skool are great guys and the Aussie connection show that brute racism cannot penetrate the invisible wall of the Equator, but the triumvirate who boss the site must be up there amongst the most obnoxious individuals I have ever had the misfortune to cross swords with in any walk of life. The recent glorification of the animals who ran the ICF show what two of these guys are beneath their "jovial" exterior.

So, if you fancy a bit of voyeurism, like the old family outing to Bedlam, look in on the site and see how Neanderthal man still communicates on the net. If you don't take it to heart and don't let it colour your picture of our nation, it really can be rather amusing! In fact why not log in using a name which plays upon Fanno. I have departed but my ghost lives on. Just check out how many times WHTID, davefking and IronsGermany refer to the hated antiOrg. They can't live with me but the agony of my absence is like a festering tumor in their collective guts. Who knows guys, I may return one day so keep looking. The Fanno might be back if he feels you miss him too much!

Kovac

I saw flashes on Sunday that suggested this guy can play with Parker. He isn't quite up to Prem speed yet but he has a physical presence that I think could intimidate opponents and release the other midfielders, Parker included, to break forward more. I counted twice that Parker ran beyond Cole on Sunday, actually trying to get on the end of the ball in the box. If Parker is to earn his massive salary he has to be more than a holding midfielder, he has to become a box to box player and offer us more going forward. There were glimpses against City that Kovac will release him to do this. Noble has been disappointing recently so I would like to see Zola persist with this pairing, teamed with the pace of Savio and Collison on the flanks.

I have also liked the way Di Michele has been linking play, filling up the midfield when we don't have possession and picking passes when we do. His turn and cross for Cole in the first half against City was pure class - and a more instinctive goal scorer would have either taken that on the volley or launched himself into a diving header. I'm not Beano's biggest fan because of his injury record and selfishness, but I think he would have scored that one, as he did against United at Old Trafford last season.

So, I suspect Kovac could be a key piece in Zola's jigsaw. If we ever get DumptyDyer and Beano Ashton fit, we could have a team to reckon with. And remember, Faubert will be back in the summer!

Coles to Newcastle

Newcastle 2 West Ham 2

What a shame. When the dust has settled and the game is appraised honestly, this will be seen as two points thrown away. Second half we were superb until we took the lead; then Zola came over all Turds and circled the wagons, trying to protect the points. The result? We invited Newcastle on, gave heart to the Geordie fans and turned certain victory into a scrambled draw.

The positives? Two superb goals. The Parker pass to Bellyache and the dinked finish from the tatooed gob, were both sublime. It was a brilliant goal but the second was perhaps even better. Cole was offside just before Ilunga hit the pass but he stepped onside cleverly, then darted forward as the pass was made. His finish was nothing short of stunning, blasting the ball past the best shot stopper in the Prmiership. Now let's just recap. This is Carlton Cole. Carlton Cole stepped up cleverly, darted forward astutely, controlled the ball beautifully and finished brilliantly. Did you ever expect to read that sentence? Amazing!

The negatives? Both goals were sloppy. Collins was slow to close Owen for the first and failed to show him on to his weaker foot. Green perhaps should have done better. For the second, Behrami was far too slow to close Duff who was given half the weekend to measure his cross and direct it on to Carroll's head.

Change of Tack, Tevez back?

Suddenly everything is looking so much more promising. Bowyer could be on his way to Birmingham which should delight the local Asian community; let's hope he makes the mistake of going out alone and bumps into a few Asian Villa fans with a memory. Etherington has staked his life savings on Stoke not going down. Downpipe could just help Bolton to go down the tubes. And Luis Boa-Morte may even be on his way, though I can't imagine he would take his salary package with him to Hull City. Still, we could always agree to pay his wages, Fowler style, just to offload him. Personally, I would snap off City's banker's hand if £10m was really offered for Parker. That's pretty good money for a sub prime player! Most promising of all, it looks as if Upson and Bellyache are staying put. All we need now is for Tevez to fall out so badly with Fergie that he is loaned back to us until the end of the season. Now that really would be a poke in the eye for McCabe and the Premier League!

Clattenburg suspended

Back in October last year I posted about Mr Clatterburg's appalling performance in the Merseyside derby. Now the guy has been suspended because his company has gone bust. Now I'm not saying there is a link between the two, but if I was the FA, I would be looking very closely at when the company hit problems and asking if it really was pornography wrapped up in that brown paper bag Clattenburg was allegedly seen carrying on the train out of Liverpool. Think I might rename him Clattenbung, just for fun you understand!

Wouldn't it be great if...?

Wouldn't it be great if Curbishley were to issue the following statement? "I woke up this morning and was struck by this incredible thought, I'm the manager of West Ham United. Yes,that's right, West Ham United! I'm no longer the Charlton manager! I don't have to bore my way to crucial points, I can send the team out to attack, in the true West Ham style. I want to apologise to all you great fans for last season. Yes we had injuries, yes we were consolidating, but that is not a good enough excuse for abandoning the values of OUR great club. This club isn't just about survival, this team is about maintaining standards, about values, about a heritage based on Greenwood, Moore, Hurst and Peters. We won the World Cup for England and we will win the World Cup again, because we put the good of the game above our own petty need for points against cloggers like Blackburn. Thatcher? What was I thinking of? Barton? Ron Greenwood would turn in his grave. So I now give you all this pledge. I know I fell short as a player, I know I put myself before the club, I know I walked out on West Ham then and put personal glory ahead of this great club, but I am breaking with that past now, I don't want a team of Curbishleys, I want a team of Brookings and Devonshires, I want to attack, I want to play with a smile rather than a grimace, I want West Ham to be West Ham, and to hell with the consequences!"

Dyer's masterplan!

"A former Manchester United player whose career was ended when he was injured in a tackle has been awarded more than £4.5m in compensation." Is this the Dyer masterplan?

West Ham to sign Andy Murray!

West Ham have just announced the signing of tennis ace Andy Murray. Manager Alan Curbishley explained, "As his performance in the Olympics showed, Murray is a mercenary b8stard who doesn't give a toss about the team if there isn't a big pay cheque for winning. Doesn't that sound like all my other signings? Andy is also injured on a regular basis and regularly flatters to deceive. He will fit in with the present squad perfectly! All I have to do now is to iron the attacking shots out of his game to make him the perfect Curbishley player!" Tottenham, meanwhile, have signed Nadal!

Curbishley, the Master of Mediocrity

Curbishley is a master for mediocrity. It is like having a batsman in cricket, as Tavare used to be, who can "hold up an end" whilst others score the runs around him. Tavare was never going to be a Botham, never going to be a winner on his own, but still had his value. But like Tavare, Curbishley doesn't have what it takes to be a winner or to get the crowd excited. To stick with cricket terminology, he doesn't "go for his shots". He is a nudger and a nurdler, a grafter who scores by saying, "you'll not get me out and if I stick around, you'll chuck down enough bad balls for me to accumulate a decent score." That's all very well if that is what you want, but a team of Tavares would be awfully boring to watch, just like Curbishley's teams. The trouble with West Ham teams in the past has been that all the players, even the defenders, have had the Botham attitude. Every team, ideally, has a Tavare, and I give Curbishley credit for instilling discipline into the defenders, Neill apart. But we want to see flair, we want to see our team pouring forward, we want to see invention, creativity, risk taking, we want to see exciting, attacking football. Tavare was never going to go for his shots in cricket and nor will Curbishley in football. Yes he was ideal for Charlton where expectations were lower, but he is wrong for West Ham. I'm not saying we expect to win things, what I'm saying is that we expect to be entertained when not winning things. George Graham might have been acceptable because he might have won trophies whilst abandoning our values, but Curbishley is the worst of both worlds; he will nurdle us to mid table obscurity and I would rather finish 14th by playing our shots than 10th by nudging and nurdling all season! One thing is for certain, Curbishley isn't going to change his mentality after all these "successful" years so if we want flair we need a new manager.

McCabe on his knees!

Sheffield United chairman Kevin McCabe quoted as saying:"It's down to the panel to make their award which should be September. The formal arbitration hearing was concluded last month but there'll be one more day at the end of July for further oral submissions." Now I know the guy is desperate but a whole day of blow jobs is surely going too far to try to convince the panel!

Septic Bladder

Dear Mr President Lincoln, I am writing to you from a sugar plantation in the Caribbean. I am very unhappy that I am being paid just £120,000 per week for representing my plantation in football and that I am not being allowed to move to a neighbouring plantation where I could earn £150,000 per week. I am sure that you will agree that this is an outrageous way to treat a slave and, after reading this letter, will instantly commence a policy leading to the abolition of this obscene practise. Please ignore the chains that slaves have to wear, the rape of the women, the beatings, the hangings and the terrible conditions endured during transportation, these pale into insignificance when set alongside my inability to represent the plantation of my choice. Yours sincerely Kunta Kinte.

Poor old McClanger!

Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?

Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.

To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!

Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!

One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.

Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!

Blowing a Gale (Martin Tyler! Well, I'm shocked!)

Given I'm considered too harsh a critic, I offer you the words of Martin Tyler and Hammer Hero Tony Gale: When Ashton and Boa Morte were breaking two on two: "Boa-Morte doesn't look as if he wants the ball." When Ashton tried to chest trap a ball: "He's struggling to judge the bounce of the ball".

When Green made a hash of coming for two crosses:"He was just standing beneath the cross" and "You've got to be more decisive when coming. He didn't look like getting there." When Cole missed a sitter: "He headed it straight at the keeper. Should have scored."

Of our derailed TGV: "Faubert hasn't really physically turned up for the game. The body language isn't good. He needs to get involved more." When Lucas stood in his six yard box, arms spread wide: "Lucas Neill left it with Robert Green nowhere near." When Mullins shot: "That was a long long long way wide." When Cole tied to control a drilled cross. "You've got to either try to volley or head the ball there, to try to control the ball is all but impossible."

I will take over now! Nobby was brilliant but the goal went in off his arm. Did Boa-Morte cushion the headed pass or was he trying to get out of the way? Not sure! Once Solano was on we looked so much better, which is worrying given he replaced Faubert, our latest "Great hope"! One Nobby pass was, in Gale's words, "World class" and "Out of keeping with the rest of the game."

Noble had a good second half of the second half. Gale again: "The kick in the face seems to have woken him up!" One classic moment when LBM jumped into the back of Cole as he went up for a Nobby cross - Keystone Cops stuff from Little and Large!

Classical Turds substitutions - he gave Ashton 11 minutes to impress Capello ("Cheers boss, I'm off in the summer!") and brought on Spector for Freddie to defend the 1-0 lead aginst 10 men. Typical!

Yes we won but be honest, it was crap, AGAIN! Where was the promised attacking adventure? Where were the promised youngsters? But what about the injuries I hear you whine. It was Fulham! We won with a scrappy goal. Fulham could have had a first half penalty. The passing was, Solano apart, generally awful. We had all the penetration of a eunuch in a chastity belt! Turds is happy of course. Three more points. Nice cup of tea. Lovely views.

Come on dear, time to pack up the caravan and poodle along to the next destination!

Parking the caravan at the cottage

Well what a surprise! We've arrived at the cottage and Turds has parked the bloody caravan! Real message of intent with the selection! Back to 4-5-1 and leave out the leading scorer. Presumably that confirms that Ashton is on his way. Not considered good enough for the mighty Fulham despite scoring against them at UP! Brilliant, just brilliant.

First half, exacty as expected. First thirty seconds, Upson lumps it into the waiting arms of Niemi! Then followed a competition for the worst pass of the season. Upson made his bid when he delivered a suicidal ball to Green. The Beatle entered the competition when he lumped a free kick from the half way over everybody's head for a goal kick but Noble took the laurel when he bisected two players on the touch line, all of five yards away, to give Fulham a throw! Good to see all that work on close passing in training has paid off Alan!

Cole is on fire! Well, by on fire I mean he has had three chances and failed to hit the target with any! Good to see all that work on his shooting has paid off Alan! He has also given away five free kicks so far. How many minutes into the second half before he ses yellow? LBM has been LBM. Classic bad choice with an attempted ball to Faubert. Risible header fom inside six yard box when unchallenged - clearly Nobby has been given responsibility for training "attacking headers"! The shoot on sight philosophy clearly isn't in play despite the lack of goals - Noble had the D all to himself but chose to pass to a Fulham defender instead!

Tony Gale looked at the line ups and said, "The two teams have been set up to negate each other." He then added, "Who dares wins"! Turds heard that as "Who dares might lose!" So the caravan is nicely parked, how about pulling out the awning Turds, then we can all sit down and have a nice cup of tea! 45 minutes of boring dross as per bloody usual!

The Steady Crawl of the Caravan Brigade

Excuse me Alan, how about this for an odd idea? How about we go to Fulham tomorrow and attack the Craven Cottagers? How about we go 3-5-2 – The Beatle, Upson and Anton at the back, Faubert and Nobby as wide men (attacking wing backs), Mullins as the midfield anchor, Noble and Freddie breaking forward from midfield, and Ashton and Sears up front? How about sending a message Al, “We’re better than them so let’s go out and score some goals”? How about you park up the caravan Al, get out of the brown Volvo and jump into a bright red Ferrari instead, putting your foot to the floor? What’s that mate? We still need three points to be safe? A point at Fulham would be a useful stepping stone to survival? Alan? Alan? Wind down the window a second mate! Turn down Radio 2 mate! Oy Alan, mind what you’re doing with that bloody caravan, you nearly ran over my foot!

Red Stripe Sacked.

Well how predictable was that? The Blunted Blades have stabbed poor old Red Stripe in the back. There he was, enjoying a nice drink at the bar when up came McCabe and twisted the plastic blade between poor old Robbo's shoulder blades. Not sure who I feel most sympathy for, Robbo or Gazza! Still, now they can go to rehab together - allegedly. Red Stripe signed up when he read "Winehouse in rehab"!

Muck Spreading all the way down the M4!

Come on Bristol Rovers! One game from a Wembley semifinal, two games from the cup final itself! The scarecrows are getting so exciting the straw is coming out of their ears, "We're off to see the Wizard.." - all hoping to find a new turnip for a brain! Who needs Johnny Depp - it's the Pirates of the West Country! The muck spreaders are revving their engines as we speak and the pretty girls are all climbing aboard the posh combine 'arvesters. "Oh he's so gorgeous, he's got a bright red Combi you know!" Brothers and sisters are having sex as we speak in celebration. Snake bites with blackcurrant tops are being downed! Oooh Arrrrr, Oooh Aaaarrr! Come on you Wurzles, you can do it! Is must be bedlam down there at the moment?

Weekend without football!

God, how depressing. It's the weekend and West Ham don't have a game thanks to our lame exit from the FA Cup! Can't think what to do with myself! What a missedopportunity the games at Eastland represent. City were there for the taking in both matches and we let them off the hook. Good goal by Cole but confirms my suspicion - he panics when he sees the goal. This one found the back of the net because he had his back to goal!

There's only one Neil Warnock!

How many bottles is Red Stripe going to have to down after being turned over so predictably by his predecessor? The crowd were singing, "There's only one Neil Warnock" before kick off and for Robbo's head at the end. Just perfect that Palace wear Claret & Blue!

The game has gone crazy!

How do you make any sense of this? Reading come to West Ham, go down to ten men and proceed to play us off the park, looking as solid as the proverbial rock at the back. Three days later, United come to town and we dominate the game and record our first home win since a rather unconvincing victory over Sunderland. Meanwhile, across town, that same Reading team ship 6 against Spurs and reply with 4 of their own! Logic? Reason? The game's gone crazy!

Kick out Italy!

What would happen to England if our fans behaved liked the Italians? Surely Scotland should be given a bye to Euro 2008 and the Italians kicked out? I was at an Inter v Roma game three seasons ago and could not believe my eyes! Firecrackers thrown on the pitch throughout the game, missiles hurled at the police all match, the away fans showered with missiles from the home fans on the upper tiers. Flares everywhere. A ground would be closed in England if a fraction of this happened and the "English disease" would certainly be used as an excuse to kick us out of the competition. Even Italians are calling for Italian football to be suspended!

Emergency Ward Ten

Now Bowyer's out! This is getting too silly to be coincidental. It is time for Turds to look long and hard at the training routines. The VAST majority of the injuries now are not impact injuries. The players clearly are not match fit when they are going out to play. Turds of course thinks it is all "unbelievable bad luck". What's that old saying? "You make your own luck"!

Bring on the kids!

So the score is 5-0. Derby haven't just layed down, they've died. Bowyer has to come off and we still have another substitution up our sleeve. Tell me, is this not a great opportunity to blood a younger player? "OK Kyle, get on there and score yourself a goal. And you Camara. Show the fans why I signed you!" Did it happen? Nope. "Get stripped off James, let's keep this clean sheet." How are the kids going to progress if they never get a chance?

Red Stripe has Chairman's Backing! Let's drink to that!

"Bryan Robson has won the dreaded vote of confidence from the Blunted Blades chairman Kevin McCabe." Wonder if Red Stripe heard the news in the bar? One for the road Robbo?

Curbishley v Pardew

Obviously we could make this comparison from a number of angles - signings, tactics, training methods and the like. The debate on http://www.westhamfans.org/ has been interesting and, for me, informative. If the rumours about Pardew are true, I now understand why he lost the dressing room and I've found the debate about fitness training eye opening. There is another dimension still. Why, even though, in truth, his record wasn't that great, is Pardew still so popular. How did he recover from the dreadful start and the ludicrous tactics and substitutions in the play off final against Palace? What is it about the man that makes me yearn for his return, even though, during his first turbulent 12 months, I would have gladly chaired a "Sack Pardew" Society and I fully recognise the stupidity of his failure to build a team around Tevez and Mascherano? Is my affection for Pardew simply a nostalgic reaction against "long ball" Curbishley?

It's not difficult to landmark when Pards won me over - it was the play off semifinal against Ipswich and that brilliant "Moore than just a football club" top. Suddenly he stopped being an outsider, an arrogant sod who preached to us misinformed fans, and became part of the soul of the Club. Yes he had trotted out the mantra before, but suddenly he belonged. By demonstrating personal humility when on the threshold of his greatest personal triumph, he suddenly joined the pantheon, a lesser god, but a god none the less through association with, and his apparently genuine respect for, our heritage. It may just have been clever self marketing of course but I fell in love with him as he walked down the touchline in that top. From there, he seemed to get it right every time he spoke to the cameras. He wanted to win but win in the West Ham way. We had an obligation to play with style. For West Ham fans winning wasn't enough. Maybe I was duped, but I lapped it up! There was that dance on the touchline. There was the genuine joy. There was the interaction with the fans, sharing our joy, sharing our excitement. There was that argument with Wenger. There were his comments about too many foreigners in the game. There was his knocking of Sven. He sounded like one of us, a bit cocky, but punching above his weight and doing it with style.

And that was Pardew to me, a guy with style. And he was so positive! He knew somehow that we were destined to get to that Cup Final and he was clever, or respectful enough, to link it all in with Greenwood, to keep paying tribute to the true greats behind the club. Did he ever moan about his luck? Perhaps I have a good editing facility in my brain but I can't remember him doing it. I remember him admitting to getting it wrong when he fielded an understrength team ahead of the Cup game against City, but I don't remember him complaining about the Board's failure to invest in the squad. He accepted the defeat was his fault.

Now, contrast all this with Curbishley. Everybody knows I don't like him and I come from a negative position, but I didn't like Pardew at first! Whereas Pardew had style, Curbishley, it seems to me, is the footballing equivalent of Primark - perfect for a club like Charlton but totally wrong for West Ham. He just hasn't got it somehow. He looks desperate on that touchline. He sounds like a parody of an Eastender, his accent is so unrefined. He looks and acts like a guy from a different era, the era of the big rosette and the football rattle. But he brings none of the nostalgic charm of that era with him. It is a sort of "in your face naffness".

Whereas Pardew tapped into the past and enlisted the ghosts of Moore and Greenwood into his motivational team, Curbishley seems to be frightened of that past, terrified of comparison despite being a child of the era. Perhaps it goes back to his departure as a player, moaning that if you play in midfield for West Ham you're told to pass it to Devonshire and Brooking. He was third best then and that inferiority complex hangs like a millstone round his neck. As a player he had to take the safe option because he wasn't good enough to play the dangerous ball and that mentality pervades his thinking as a manager. I suspect there is, in truth, a bitterness inside him. At Charlton he was top dog, a true god; at West Ham, he is what he always was, an also ran. As a result, he has lost sight of what we stand for. He can't focus on that brilliant light because, as a player, he was blinded by it. He was raised to be a West Ham flair player but ended up a Birmingham and Villa utility man. So faced with the brilliance of our heritage, he dons shades and tries to avoid the light, the light that we, the true fans who are at one with the soul of the club, want to always be a part of. Pardew's brilliance was to step into that light and invite us all inside it; Curbishley's inferiority complex, makes him terrified of the spotlight, terrified of comparison with the greats who he could never measure up to.

People keep saying give him time. My reply is, you can hang a Primark suit in your wardrobe for as long as you like and it will never turn into Armani.

From out of the mouth of Turds...

Turds quoted in The Sun... "...the problem with being a manager is the despair of defeat is greater than the joy of winning...The Premier League is about doing everything you can to survive...At some stages last season I was accused of not being passionate enough. But when I threw a bottle when we lost a goal in injury time to Bolton people said I'd lost it. I don't know where to go from there." Imagine reading this on the coach on the way to the game! Inspiring words ahead of the Derby game? Can you imagine Jose talking like that? Or Wenger? Or Greenwood? Or Pardew? Can you imagine wanting to sign or play for a manager who sounds so depressed, so down, so negative? In answer to Turds dilemma about "where to go from there", may I suggest retirement? The poor old boy is 50 after all!

From out of the mouth of a spoilt brat...

Dean Ashton in "The Sun" talking about the West Ham treatment room: "In a weird way it's a nice place to be, considering everyone in there is injured. There's lots of banter. It makes a nice change from when I was out last year and there wasn't anybody else in there. It was a very lonely place and it was hard going." A nice change eh Dean? Sod the team eh? Sod the fans eh? Just so long as you're happy mate and there's plenty of others to keep you entertained! I can imagine the banter: "So how much are you be paying paid to not play this week?"

Fantastic call!

What a fantastic call to rule that Gallas goal in. Watch it back in real time and it still doesn't look in! The officials get a lot of stick when they get it wrong. Credit where credit is due - that decision was brilliant! Gallas apart, none of the Arsenal players seem to have realised, they weren't wheeling away, Roger Hunt style, arms in the air, they were still trying to score!

Roeder's Return!

Can you believe it? Yet another club has recruited Glen Roeder as manager! Do these chairmen have a death wish? Poor Norwich, they're a decent enough club, I wouldn't wish Roeder on Leeds (not true, I would!) never mind Norwich! They gave us Graham Paddon and John Macdowell for goodness sake!

Sent to Coventry!

So, I'm sure some blinkered fools will be raving about our new strike partnership as the classic little and large, Toshak and Keegan combo. There will be talk of a brave performance, of overcoming injuries, of great tactical decisions, of a stunning winning goal.

There will be bemoaning of luck as the injuries deepen, there will be "get in there" style comments, some may even cry "Wright for England" on the basis of one save.

The truth is, we were awful! Fact, Coventry are shite. Fact we looked bereft of ideas in midfield and up front. Fact, our defending when Coventry scored was school boyish. Fact, Etherington could not get past the full back all night. Fact, we didn't even try to attack down the right hand side. Fact, there was no attempt to play through midfield. Fact, Boa-Morte was dreadful despite his "goal". Fact, Spector and Pantsil are NOT Premiership players.

Two good, two bad? Two bad: Boa-Morte's "pass" to Cole when we had a two against one and our defending for the Coventry goal (we had four full backs on the pitch at the time for heaven's sake!) Two good: Cole's finish and...erm I'm trying here...there must be something else surely...still trying. Boa-Morte's miss hit half volley that pinged off three Coventry defenders into the net? Can't think of ANYTHING else can you? Hang on, Mullins turned well once. Hang on, Etherington fired across the six yard box but Carlton was too dozey to react until the ball had passed - that's why he isn't good enough, as I've said, he doesn't predict or gamble.

Okay this is negative but what else can it be after we looked second best most of the night to a VERY VERY ordinary Coventry team? But we won! We won! We won! So we bloody should do against a team as poor as this! Did we win with any style? Did we win with any swagger? Did we play like West Ham? No, no, no. Quarter final of a cup though! Yes we've scraped past Bristol Rovers, Plymouth and Coventry. Big bloody deal and, Green apart (let's face it, a goalie needs to rest!) we've largely played the best team available, or brought them on when struggling! If this was a one off, fair enough; but it wasn't, this is part of a pattern: our football is getting ugly, crude, defensive and long ball. Bobby Moore must be turning in his grave!

Ratings: Wright 5 (one good save, two dropped crosses) Neill 5 (again lost possession trying to dribble out of defence. Ludicrous booking.) McCartney 6 (tried but Coventry kept probing down his flank. No surprise to find two unmarked Coventry players on left hand side of box for their goal) Upson 6 Ferdinand 5 Bowyer 4 (What did he do besides moan?) Mullins 6 Noble 6 Etherington 5 (no pace at all tonight!) Cole 6 (good goal but mostly dozey) Boa-Morte 3 (his touch was dreadful!) Spector 6 (saved a goal by closing down Coventry player and ran about a bit) Pantsil 4 (did he do ANYTHING?) Gabbidon 5

One Day, Sometime, Never

OK, the definitive nickname for the new Spurs under Ramos: The One Day Nevers!

One day you have 7 points, the next...

Another rumour: "Sevilla president Jose Maria Del Nido plans to report Tottenham to Fifa and Uefa for 'tapping up' his coach Juande Ramos. (Sunday Express)" Perhaps the Premier League should deduct 6 points!

One Day in the life of a keeper!

Another rumour from the bbc! "Tottenham boss Juande Ramos is planning a massive clear-out at White Hart Lane starting with goalkeeper Paul Robinson. (Various)" No need to drop him One Day, he will drop himself!

One day only, buy one, get one for £23m!

Quote from bbc rumours: "New Tottenham manager Juande Ramos wants to raid his former club Sevilla to take ex-Spurs striker Fredi Kanoute back to White Hart Lane and he is also keen to bring £23m-rated defender Daniel Alves with him. (News of the World)" My God, if I was a Spurs fan I'd be worried! £23m for a full back?

Mind you, we are apparently prepared to pay £9m for Johnson!

One Day you're up, the next you're down!

Spurs lose again! Good God, I can hear echoes of Glenn Roeder! This IS getting serious! One Day can't buy until January. It will take 6 weeks or so to bed in the new team once he's recruited Manuel and co! Spurs away to Colchester next season? What's the betting?

One Day Ramos

I gave him 1.4 years but according to Radio 5 Live, his Christian name is pronounced One Day. I know the Spurs board are impatient but surely this is going too far! At least give the guy a week!

Tevez into gear earlier than predicted!

Back in early October I asked, "As for Tevez - does he only start playing in January?" I think Carlos has answered that question! It is a poor Premiership this year but Arsenal look awesome and United have a fantasy team - Rooney, Tevez, Ronaldo, Scholes, Giggs - defenders must be crapping themselves when they see United are next on the fixture list! What a game United-Arsenal promises to be! And suddenly Chelsea are playing a bit too! Typical that West Ham missed both United and Chelsea when they were in the doldrums but had Arsenal at home when the Gunners were in the middle of a purple patch! And you watch, Spurs will warm up with a couple of results before we play them! Sod's Law strikes again!

Shutting up shop at Pompey

My question is, do we want to pick a team to, in the words of Turds after the game, "stop Portsmouth playing"? Is that the West Ham way? Is that what it has come down to? Stop Arsenal playing perhaps, but stop Portsmouth playing? Then you have to look at the selections. Yes he did play 4-5-1 but with Bellyache out of position and obviously out of his depth in the role. Thank God he had to come off, otherwise he would have been sent off second half because of all his moaning and because, with defensive responsibilities, he would have mistimed at least one tackle - and he was already on a yellow. I was furious when Spector and Ferdinand were sent on, not because of who they were but because it gave out a clear message to the team - shut up shop. We were bossing the game at the time! Result, we dropped deeper! Result, we give away a penalty! (And it was a penalty!) People argue it was a reaction to Kanu being sent on. So what? That meant more space for us. The second half belonged to us until those substitutions. There-after, ONLY one team could win, Portsmouth. Tell me, is it ever right to put yourself in a position where it is impossible to win a game? I don't think so.

The Reign in Spain pours mostly down the drain!

Before Spurs fans start to imagine all the dark days are behind them, they should just contemplate this statistic: Ramos has managed 10 clubs in 14 years! So, before he took over at Sevilla, he had a good track record presumably! - that's more clubs per year as a manager than Megson and Red Stripe Robbo combined! Even the Hoddle of God sticks around at clubs longer than that!

And now Benitez isn't looking all he was cracked up to be is he? Have Spurs jumped on another band wagon to nowhere? How long is that contract? Four years? Why not 1.4 years - that's how long history suggests he will be around for!

Still it provides the opportunity to come up with a new nickname or two for the not so hot spurs. How about Los Blancos - cos every time they try to win anything they draw a blank? Or Los Mananas - cos they always Will finish in the top 4 NEXT season!

One last thought - Inside the word Spain is the word pain! You have been warned!

How much to not give a penalty?

My comment about Clattenburg having an advert for Air Asia on his sleeve has got me thinking. Tell me, when would an advert on a referee's shirt get maximum exposure? Perhaps when the referee grabs the headlines by making an appalling decision? That Air Asia ad on Clattenburg's sleeve featured in countless newspapers and all over the web. Should the FA / Premier League allow this? What guarantee do we have as supporters that the sponsors are not buying exposure by bunging referees to get things controversially wrong? Perhaps somebody really should check who exactly Mr Clattenburg is flying with if he is jetting off on holiday!

At last, Spurs realise that Number Two's shit!

Good God, Chris Hughton has gone too! How many Spurs managers has he "assisted" to the sack over the years?

Mercy sacking

So Jol has been put out of his misery. Not before time sadly, because the guy was going mad before our very eyes. Personally, I rate him but his comments during interviews were getting weirder by the day. Phrases like, "All the players love me" in that dodgy Dutch accent of his. I was beginning to wonder if he had been attracted by the name rather than the performances when he signed Bent!

He will be back of course. Maybe when we flush Turds down the managerial toilet!

You're a Mug Son!

Gary Megson? Gary Megson? Are the Bolton board mad? I know England did well in the Rugby World Cup by playing ugly but who in their right mind would entrust a Premiership team to Megson? Good God, I thought the Blunted Blades were mad to appoint Red Stripe Robbo (and so it is proving!) but Gary Megson? Have the Bolton board wagered millions on their own relegation? Imagine Megson and Anelka discussing tactics! If I was Turds, I'd be offering to take Anelka on loan to save Bolton the air fares of trying to hunt him down when he does a runner back to the south of France!

I'm changing my prediction! Bolton are going down!

7-0 to the Arsenal, 7-0 to the Arsenal

Can't let the Arsenal display pass without comment. The Premiership may be a weak division this year but this Arsenal team are just awesome. Not sure if they can keep it up all season but, at the moment, their football is nothing short of magical. And what a joy to see Walcott in the thick of things. Wright-Phillips or Walcott, who would you have? McClanger or Wenger? No contest! I'd give him the job part time if Arsenal would allow it!

Select your handbags gentlemen please!

So Lehmann has "issued a threat" to Wenger. Now there's a fight I'd love to see based on Arsene's waving of his handbag at Pards last season and the way Jens crumpled when Drogba touched his chest! How comes you get banned for feigning injury when a fan mock slaps you but Jens gets away "Bowyer free" when he collapses in a heap every time an opposing forward jumps with him? One cross Jens would never have collected is the Iron Cross!

We're all going on our autumn holidays!

Quote from bbc website: "Referee Mark Clattenburg will miss this weekend's Premier League action because of a planned holiday and not as a result of criticism after last weekend." Presumably, Mr Moyes is wondering who paid for the holiday! I notice that Mr Clattenburg carries an advert for "Air Asia" on his sleeve. Any coincidence that the advert is in red and white? Perhaps Kuyt was suggesting flying when he launched himself two footed through the air. Maybe Steve Gerrard was suggesting possible holiday destinations and the means to fund them when he prompted Mr Clattenburg to exchange his yellow card for a red one. Perhaps Jamie Carragher was suggesting taking it easy on the beach when he invited Lescott to lie down with him in the penalty box!

Something smells fishy? Well I expect Mr Clattenburg is an angler, of one form or another!

Chop Suey

So, Souness has turned down Bolton. What job does he fancy then? He was a Spurs player wasn't he? Or maybe he has his eye on a return to Boro. Or possibly he fancies playing with the millions made available by the new owners of Birmingham? Or maybe, Hughes to Spurs and Souness returning to Blackburn? Any of those clubs are welcome to him - Bolton have had a lucky escape!

Ninth from bottom here we come!

A little serious reflection. The lucky victory over Sunderland means we are stuck with Turds for the time being so what can we reasonably expect between now and the end of the season? Is mid table the best we can hope for? Or are we in a false position with the potential to either push on for a top six position or slide back into a relegation dog fight?

Let's deal with the relegation issue first. Spurs will not go down. Their position is obviously false and, no matter what you think of him, Jol is not Glenn Roeder. Spurs will come good, probably when we play them! In truth, when you take into account that they have played Arsenal, United and Liverpool already, their points tally is probably only 6 or 7 short of what it should be. Had those points been collected, they would be rubbing shoulders with ourselves. The defeat at Sunderland and the home reverse against Everton were their nightmare results.

Bolton are interesting and much will obviously hang on who they bring in to replace Mini Me. I predicted Little Sam's demise back in May but the directors have acted slightly quicker than I expected. Another month of Sammy playing at being manager would have condemned them; now there is time for his replacement to save them. The key will probably be the reaction of Nolan and Anelka to the new boss. If these two want away, Bolton will slip through the trap door. I'd have both at Upton Park! I'm a huge fan of Jewell and believe that if Bolton recruit him, they will stay up.

Derby aren't worth discussing. They will go down.

Fulham are poor too. Sanchez has built a Championship team and that is where they are probably heading. One Cap Chesky reckons he's made a good career move; perhaps that's because he knows he is not a Premiership defender! They should have been relegated last season; only Benitez kept them up by selecting his stiffs at the Cottage. Going down!

So that's two of the three sorted!

What about Sunderland? Well, despite the fact that we made them look like world beaters, they are a very poor team. Keane may be a brilliant motivator and a good tactician but he will have to have the powers of Moses to keep this lot out of the bottom six. I saw the team sheet before kick off and thought, there's nobody outside of the keeper who deserves a Premiership place. By the end, I felt differently about Kenwyne Jones but then Upson can make the average donkey look like a Derby winner. With Chopra, Richardson and Connolly in the squad, they must be live contenders for the drop, especially if Keane sees the writing on the wall and jumps ship in mid season. Let's see, if Spurs decided they couldn't wait for the Spaniard and off loaded Jol? Probably not.

What about Birmingham? Quite, what about Birmingham? How average are Birmingham? Another Championship team and led by a manager who has all the tactical nounce of McClanger. In an average Premiership, they would be my favourites for the third relegation spot unless they are bought out quickly. But even then, who in their right mind would join Birmingham? They are the Vauxhall Nova of the Premiership -no glamour whatsoever despite Sullivan and Karen Brady. And would I live within commuting distance of Birmingham if I was a millionaire footballer? No thanks! Mind you, we all know the name of one idiot who chose to leave West Ham to further his career as a player at Birmingham - step forward Turds!

How about Boro? Well, they are crap! How on earth have they ended up with such a poor team after all the money they have spent over the last few years? Downing will be off in January around about the time Mido gets his letter home from the local authority for being obese and Woodgate books a six month break in California to recuperate from his latest injury! No Yakubu, no Viduka, no hope. And Southgate as a manager; sorry, he just doesn't hack it. If Birmingham are bank rolled Boro will be in big trouble. Fourth from bottom will represent over achievement in my book.

But we still haven't considered Wigan! How poor are they? Our home draw against them will be seen as two points tossed away. Jewell kept them up. Just like Allardyce, the manager was bigger than the club. Hutchins is better than Mini Me but Wigan's trouble is that they will give him more time to fail comprehensively. They don't belong in the Premiership. It has been fun whilst it has lasted but it is surely time to say goodbye. My tip for second from bottom!

And we still haven't reached Reading! How bad is this Premiership? Best league in the world? What a joke! Just like ourselves, Reading have been found out in their second season. You can only charge around at a million miles per hour for so long! Unlike us, Reading will not be able to sign Tevez! The corners will probably keep them up unless Coppell talks himself into resignation. He is prone to depression. On Saturday he looked like he needed Prozak!

So, on that basis, we should be able to finish ninth from bottom without breaking too much sweat. This is a poor division! Outside of seven or eight clubs, there is no quality whatsoever.

So, what about looking upwards? Well there are some teams who will definitely finish above us of course: Arsenal, United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle (the Allardyce factor!). Is Sven good enough to keep City up there? Possibly. If so, what a mistake it was by the FA to let him go! However, if Elano were to be injured...Then there is Blackburn. Well full marks again to Sparky - he can spot a player and bring the best out of him once he's bought him. Spurs will be above us come the end of April. It hurts me to say it but we all know it's true! Everton? Average team, excellent manager. Head to head with ourselves, you'd have to fancy Moyes to out think Turds. Portsmouth? 'Arry 'as 'em buzzin! Providing he can stave off the Parkinsons, you'd have to fancy Pompey under the old twitcher to make it into Europe this year. But how good are they really? Man for man, no better than ourselves even with our injuries. Which leaves Villa! Well we desperately want Villa to fail because of Reo-Choker; oh the delight to see the pout as he was sent from the field against United! Who was O'Neill so angry with, the ref or the black Judas?

So, at the end of it all, we are playing in a mini league of Villa, Everton, Blackburn, City, Portsmouth and Spurs. Put those into a predicted finishing order and I would go: Portsmouth, Blackburn, Man City, Spurs, Villa, Everton, West Ham. So that's ninth from bottom then! Four places higher than last season! It won't get Turds Manager of the Season will it? The question is, will it get him the chop?

Lucky Turds

My God, I've just watched Sunderland, yes Sunderland, play us off the Upton Park! We were awful! Noble seemed to think he was wearing red and white stripes, Etherington looked like he had lead weights tied on his legs again (perhaps he had bet on Turds being the first manager for the chop!), Neill still loked out of sorts, Bowyer was back to clogging and Upson was crap. I mean, Kenwyn Jones is big and black and hard to miss but Upson seemed to have no idea where he was all game!

How on earth we won 3-1 will remain a mystery!

I don't like to say I told you so but...

This is what I wrote in May (check it out on the blog if you don't believe me!). Tell me, why in God's name didn't I have a flutter with Ladbrokes?

Doesn't your heart go out to Sammy Lee? Talk about a poison chalice! What price Bolton for relegation next season? Big Sam was always going to be a pig of an act to follow but to replace Big Sam with Little Sam - it's worse than swapping Blair for Brown! So many factors conspired to keep West Ham up this season but chief amongst them was the departure of Allardyce in the week before our game with Bolton. Does anybody really believe we would have been three goals to the good by half time if the big man was at the helm? Poor Sammy, he was so chuffed to be in a suit with the gaffer's earpiece, he quite forgot that there was a match to be won. My prediction: Sammy will be out of work before the end of November and Bolton will be bound for the Championship by early May. The form was bad enough under the Big Man, what hope under his Mini Me side kick? What odds are the bookies offering?

Give us a break!

Oh God! So the nightmare has come true. Ashton is out for up to 6 weeks, and with Bellyache returning from his break between international fixtures (funny the way Man United & Liverpool players are fit for club games but not for international fixtures but at West Ham, it's often the other way around!), we could find ourselves with Zammo and Cole up front between now and Christmas. So, it's bottom three by December then!

Never mind, I'm sure Turds will buy another injury prone player or two to help them on the road to early retirement.

What a Tosspot!

How big a tosspot is Garth Crooks? Well not very big in size obviously but nevertheless! On Final Score the jerk asked, "What I want to know is when will Tottenham close out a game?" in that stupid twatish "I'm really angry and I'm entitled to be" way of his. When will Tottenham close out a game? When, exactly, did Tottenham "close out a game" at Anfield when Garth was in the team? What a pillock! Like anybody gives a shit about what Garth Crooks says! Surely there are now enough black guys on the BBC for them no longer to need their token "well spoken negro to rival Trevor Macdonald"? Fuck off to California with your American football slang you stupid fat faced effeminate voiced twat!

Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest!

Red Mist or Red Face, Robbo must be shown Red by McClanger

So 125 years were perfectly encapsulated in 90 minutes, or the last 46 years at least! Wasn't that just the perfect Tottenham performance for such a momentous night? 4-1 down at home to Villa? Good God, I bet even Derby manage to keep Villa down to three! But then with Red Mist Robbo changing his name to Red Faced Robbo in one night of agonising shame, what chance did the not so mighty Spurs stand?

God help us if McClanger sticks with Red Face in Russia. They surely won't make the same mistake again! Just hang a cross one yard outside the six yard box and Red Face looks as confused as Bush doing a crossword. The mistakes were two of the worst I have EVER seen. In fact, add in the air kick, allowing Neville's back pass to trickle into the net, and I think Red Face has the three worst ever.

Did McClanger see Green's heroics against Arsenal? I'm not saying he is Peter Shilton, but at least Green isn't Gary Sprake! In fact, I think comparing Sprake to Red Face is probably doing the Welsh wanker an injustice!

Turds Drops Another Big One!

Here we go again! Okay, defeats away to Newcastle and at home to a buzzing Arsenal are not a disaster but what on earth does Turds think he is up to? Am I mad or has Mullins been playing rather well? And Parker? He looked dazed and confused before kick off and petrified once the ball was in play. Tentative, anxious, dazed, he was bloody hopeless. Then on came Mullins at half time and suddenly we had some bite in midfield. Just what has Mullins done to upset Turds? And then there's Gabbidon! Was he not our player of the year in our first year back up? And when he came on against Arsenal, suddenly the defence looked so much more solid. Is Turds picking Upson and Parker to justify the fees I wonder?

And what about Neill? He was hopelessly at fault for the first two goals against Newcastle and nowhere to be seen for the third (although the cross came from the Newcastle left flank from inside the penalty box!) Why, exactly, was Bowyer trying to make the tackle in the right back position inside the box for the second goal and what was Neill up to when he tried to dribble the ball out of defence to set up Newcastle's first? Come the Arsenal game and diagonal balls were being played up to Diaby with Neill again nowhere to be seen! And when the goal was scored, Neill as good as offered Van Persie a lift up to score the goal! And what pray was McCartney up to? Ferdinand was holding Adebeyour up on the edge of the box and, rather than go wide to mark Hleb, McCartney ran into the box and marked empty space, leaving Hleb all the time in the world to deliver his cross! Pathetic!

One last moan. Camera or Cole? Good God, it makes you yearn for Clyde Best! These two are bloody hopeless. Camera runs around like a headless chicken and doesn't understand the off side law; and Cole doesn't run at all! How much are we paying these two clowns exactly?

Let's hope the cheque book is opened in January. We HAVE to buy a left back and we URGENTLY need another striker. Without Bellamy and Ashton we would be stuffed!

Taking Stock

Well the first half was brilliant: not just England but the game! It was a real throw back, a match where players passed the ball FORWARDS and tried to score more goals than the opposition. When I saw the shape of the Russian team I thought, here we go, it's got 0-0 written all over it. Instead, perhaps thanks to the early goal, we were treated to 45 minutes of pulsating football - what a joy!

Gareth Barry has been a revelation. He uses the ball instead of passing it sideways or backwards. And his defensive work was excellent. It's of course overstating it to claim that his first misplaced pass came in the 87th minute of the second match, but he certainly retained possession better than Lampard without "playing safe" like Hargreaves. It was a masterclass in how to play "box to box"!

Heskey's contribution has also been exaggerated. True he won EVERY ball in the air but most of his "knock ons and knock downs" fell at the feet of Russians and, as usual, he was as effective in front of goal as a eunuch with mouth ulcers in an orgy. But credit to the guy, he unsettled the Russians and drew the defenders to him, so creating the space for Owen. McClanger has a difficult call now. Do we want the superior skill and goal threat of Crouch (did I just write that description of old daddy long legs?) or the sheer physical presence of Heskey? And where does that leave Rooney?

Wright-Phillips was, in my view, disappointing. He flunked his header, closing his eyes as the ball cleared the defender, and failed to clear the first defender with the majority of his crosses. With the pace of Richards on the right, there still might be a place for Beckham, with Richards pulling the full back away, creating the space for Beckham's crosses. Or maybe Rooney could play wide right. Would that work?

Richards, of course, was the real revelation. The guy is so athletic, so powerful, so quick and so confident. And that long throw is a wonderful weapon with Heskey in the team.

On the other hand, Ashley Cole was a worry. His positional sense was poor and he was done for pace in the second half. Whereas Richards runs beyond his "winger", Cole now seems to regard the edge of the penalty box as the byline. His "angled" balls into the box are poorly directed and he seems low on confidence. Has the injury had lasting effects or is it marriage?

Joe Cole was, at best, adequate. He fluffed his big chance to score and, like his namesake, doesn't seem to realise that the byline is as deep as the corner flag. Every cross was from the edge of the box. Knowing where the ball is coming from must be easier to defend against irrespective of the quality of the delivery - we saw that with Beckham. The left side is, therefore, still a problem. Either Ashley rediscovers the ability and pace to power beyond his "winger" or we need a left footer with pace in Joe's position. Anyone fancy a bet on Etherington?

Gerrard? I don't think he was at his best in either game but he was still impressive. Owen? How could we have ever doubted him?

Still worried about Red Mist Robbo though. Why didn't the Russians test him with crosses?

Tempting Fate

It's 5.32, two short hours before the Russia game. Dare I say how good we looked against Isreal on Saturday? Did Gerrard and Barry look like a central midfield partnership made in heaven? Did Wright-Phillips really look like an international fooballer at last? Was Richards really the revelation I thought he was? Did Heskey really have a good game? Did Owen really look vaguely like the Owen of young?

But then, it was only Isreal...the test will come when the Russians get a free kick or corner and Red Mist Robbo has to decide whether to come or stay or come or stay or come or stay or...pick the ball out of the back of the net!

Fingers crossed. No not you Robinson!

Painting by numbers

Anybody else notice Mervyn "Slipped Through My Fingers" Day giving Noble his instructions b4 he came on as a substitute at Rovers? He must have flicked through twenty pages in the "tactical manual". Poor lad, Noble thought he was going on for a game of footy, instead he appeared to be receiving directions on how to drive from Mile End to Bristol without using any M or A roads! Noble nodded a lot but, to be honest, had a "What the fuck are you going on about?" look on his face. Pards was famously caught writing down the half time score in his notepad; the new management team seem to think everything can be reduced to painting by numbers!

Dreamland

In a state of shock! Secretly I fancied us at Reading, but to win 3-0 - that surpassed by wildest hopes! At this rate, Turds might keep his job! Delighted to see Etherington scoring. He was a key player in our first triumphant season back up and we missed him more than was acknowledged last season. He lacks that extra yard of pace and clearly has stamina issues but the lad can cross and has a very good range of passes. When Etherington is confident and buzzing the team suddenly has width and the pitch opens up. Good to see Ashton taking another positive step back and Bellyache seems to have the bit between his teeth. And maybe, just maybe, Bowyer has his hunger back. Parker must be wondering if he'll get in the team! I think Turds was actually smiling genuinely (as opposed to ruefully) in the post match interview!

As for Tevez - does he only start playing in January?

Mine's a Carling!

Anybody puzzled by the Blunted Blades' mid week triumph and weekend defeat only needs to look at the names of the respective competitions. Now let's face it, Red Stripe Robbo isn't going to get excited about the Coca Cola Championship is he? (Where's the Bacardi?) But the Carling Cup - now you're talking!!!!

Carlsberg

Carlsberg don't do pub teams but if they did they'd probably call the team Sheffield United!

Watch the advert on the TV. Who is that sitting AT the bar? You've guessed it, Red Stripe Robbo!

Hold the Front Page!

Hold the front page! Incredible news coming in from West Ham on transfer deadline day. We can exclusively reveal West Ham have signed....
Adriano?
Er no.
Joe Cole?
Not quite.
Anelka?
Just signed a contract extension so who knows, he might come in January.
Shorey then?
Nearly.
Then Barnes of Derby?
Too expensive I'm afraid.
Then who?
Heard of Camara?
Yes, he's not good enough for the Wigan team is he?
That's right! So Turds has managed to capture him on loan.
But he's not good enough for Wigan!
Exactly! Stroke of genius from Turds, he's found somebody nobody else wanted! Clever eh? And that's not all, we've signed a top international midfielder!
Really? Somebody from Italy?
Not quite.
From Brazil?
Close.
Argentina then?
Warm.
Columbia? Mexico?
Peru.
It's not Paddington is it?
Very funny!
But what about all the money we're supposed to have?
It's being used to build a new treatment room!

Unlucky Managers

It seems to me that some managers are brilliant (like Ferguson), some managers are indisputably shite (like Red Stripe) and some carry the worst curse of all - they are unlucky. McClanger unfortunately has a foot in both the shite and unlucky camps!!!!!

Reflecting back on my proposed team (earlier blog), it is amazing to think that Rooney, Ashton and Beckham are already out, Gerrard and Hargreaves may be and Joe Cole isn't playing for Roublesea. And I only picked the midfielders and forwards. It really is a struggle to think of a team that would suit my proposed formation! Poor old McClanger! Still, this shows why you have to win your games when the injury curse isn't hitting you so hard. If we fail to qualify then results earlier in the campaign will be more to blame!

There's only one thing to do with an unlucky manager - sack him! Then, when the injuries clear up suddenly and the team goes on a winning run, he can justifiably tell everybody, "I was just unlucky!"

Hasn't Turds been bemoaning his luck recently?

Sweating Turds

Hmmm, up beat didn't last long. Weak draw at home to Wigan, broken leg for Dyer (surprise surprise!) and inept second half performance against the mighty Bristol Rovers. Adriano won't join us - the dinners aren't big enough I'd guess looking at his bulk - Anelka has signed a new contract at Bolton (so he will move in January then!) and I'm worried that we still don't have a left back, a viable alternative up front (how bad was Zamora at Rovers!!!!) and we are still thin creatively in midfield. Turds must still be sweating as he looks up at Gollum's gloomy face in the stands!

More trouble at the Blunted Blades with the finess coach quitting - any truth in the rumour that he didn't agree with Red Stripe's liquid diets?

Turds for Manager of the Month!

Time to write whilst feeling up beat!!!!

Clean sheet without Neill and a recognised left back! In control of the game! Noble dictating midfield! Bellyache and Diarrhea both pulled down in the box! Victory without Ashton, Parker and Yumberg! Europe here we come! Turds for manager of the month!

Looks like Birmingham, Sunderland and Derby are going to struggle. Bolton and Fulham will also challenge for the bottom three (as predicted b4 the season started). Wigan will struggle when the tougher fixtures arrive. What are we worrying about?

Open and Shut Case

Defending the legal action brought by the Blunted Blades must be one of the easiest jobs in the world. West Ham responsible for their relegation, who are they kidding?

Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?

For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?

Exhibit C - Look at the table after two games in the Championship!

Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!

I rest my case.

McClanger's Options

Full marks to Steve McClanger - he's not afraid of reversing a decision is he? First Becks, now Campbell and James - the future may not be safe in McClanger's hands but there's no need to set up an England Vets Team - they're all in the full squad anyway!


It's amazing isn't it, how quickly the "Golden Generation" has fizzled into the Old Mother Hubbard Generation - the cupboard's suddenly bare! Is there really such a dearth of talent coming through? Perhaps if Defoe signed for a club prepared to pick him? Perhaps if Johnson was given 2 or 3 games in a row? Perhaps if Ashton was fit? Remember, these guys are the reserves, in Rooney we have the most exciting talent England has possessed since Gazza.


Look at the World Cup Squad of 1990 which reached the semifinal. Take out Gazza (for Rooney) and Lineker (for Owen) and would it have been that special? Look who England had in reserve for the first choice strikers - only Steve Bull who wasn't even a top flight striker! Barnes and Platt were listed as forwards but neither were out and out strikers. Lampard, Gerrard, Lennon and Wright-Phillips would all count as strikers on that basis.

Who would you rather have, Crouch or Bull? Defoe or Bull? Ashton or Bull? Bent or Bull? Johnson or Bull? The truth is, it is not a dearth of strikers that is the problem, it is the absence of a Waddle and a Gascoigne, truly creative midfielders with the ability to both run and pass their way through defences. We need Cole back, and not on the left but in central midfield. We need to move away from 4-4-2, the system does not suit the personnel, and move to 4-1-2-1-2 with Cole in the hole, Hargreaves as the anchor and Rooney and Ashton up front. For the two in midfield, I'd go wih Gerrard and Beckham. The interchange potential could be enormous and with Ashton and Rooney both feeding runners from midfield, we could look for goals from Gerrard, Beckham and Cole, in addition to the two strikers. And if Rooney is out? I'd go for Owen and drop Ashton deeper.

Will McClanger try it? Doubtful. He's experimented once and ended up in tears. But then, this man is at least willing to reverse a decision!

Bleak House

So the cracks are showing (and that's not just when the Hammerettes do their high kicks!). Gollum has apparently given Turds six weeks to save his job, the Blunted Blades are trying to out-Jarndyce Jardyce versus Jardyce and Craig Bellyache has had his first hissyfit with Turds. Arrive stage right Kieran Dyer! Never mind the rights to the games, somebody should be negotiating hard to buy the rights to the training ground. Why not buy back Hartson just for a laugh? Bellyache already has the golf club, now, "anything but gentlemen", choose your weapons please!

Looking down on Spurs

There's one consolation in looking at a Premiership table that shows West Ham third from bottom - and that's to see Spurs propping us all up! Two games gone and two defeats - against the mighty Sunderland and Everton no less. I'd say that a top 4 spot has already been surrendered. Big Sam, Moyes and Wenger must all now regard games with each other as six pointers whilst Spurs start to fret about securing a EUFA or Inter Toto spot. Why on earth did they spend that money on Bent when the midfield is clearly so lacking in width and creativity? There's no point in having an arsenal (sorry, no pun intended) of guns if you have no ammunition to load them with. I would have thought Keano could have told Jol that!

Still hopefully Spurs will sack the meat pie challenged one. I'd have him ahead of Turds any day of the week (except, perhaps on Sundays - who ate all the yorkshire puddings?)!

Come on Derby!!!!!

Any Eidur?

More transfer speculation but still no talk of a left back. Surely it is obvious even to Turds that McCartney isn't god enough? I know Onecapchelsky wasn't brilliant but he was, at least, an option. But then, when Turds doesn't like you, that's it!

It may be early but I think Turds should be flushed down the managerial toilet. That's not knee jerk - read my blogs through last season - as Oncecap says, he aint up to the job. Just think, if we had been bold and appointed a manager with status in the game, we might, just might, have kept Tevez. Seems from what Onecap says that even Bent doesn' like him - and it was Turds who plucked him from the Championship!

First manager for the chop?

Not sure what the official odds are but I'd say it is a straight fight between Turds and Mini Me Sammy Lee. Both got off to disaterous starts on Saturday. Both are already cursing injuries. Neither commands the respect of his players, both have succeeded managers who the fans adored, neither inspires confidence when you watch them on the touch line. Question is, when Turds goes (my bet is early October), who will replace him? Roeder is looking for a job - only joking!!!!!

Here we go again! Turds overheard on the touchline!

Ready, steady...no, hold on a minute, I'm not ready! I haven't spent my chairman's money! I've sold players without buying replacements! I haven't got a left back! I don't know my best centre back pairing, all my summer signings are injured, Ashton isn't ready, my right back is injured and his replacement is crap, the City players don't even know each other so how am I meant to tacically outsmart them? I can't look, I can't look, tell me when it's all over! I'll send on Etherington! Now I'll move him to left back! Mullins! I wanted to off load him but anyone's better than Bowyer! Get on there Ashton! Is it over yet? I can't look! I can't look! Where is Tevez when you need him? Anybody got any ideas because I'm clueless!

Turds Tantrum

So Turds is upset because Fergy has claimed that Tevez single handedly saved us from the drop last season. Quite right too! Surely Lady Luck deserves at least 50% of the credit! Mind you, it just shows what a Ho she is, climbing into bed with an ugly mother ****** like Carlos!

Yossi Phone Home

So Israeli E.T. lookalike Yossi Benayoun phones home to his Mamma and asks how she is. "Yossi, my boy" she replies, "things are bad back home. Your father has been taken hostage and they are threatening to behead him. The house was pelted last night by a stone throwing mob and your sister was gang raped on her way home from the synagogue." Mamma Benayoun sobs down the phone before continuing, "Yossi, why in the name of Abram did you move us to Liverpool?"

Cluedo

Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shit team!

The net is closing!

So Interpol are after IKEA Joorabchian (he who "sold" us a flatpack Mascherano that we couldn't work out how to put together!). Never mind arbitration panels and the High Court, the Blunted Blades will be calling for a War Crimes Commission next, claiming Tevez is the son of Josef Mengele!

Selling off the family plastic

Am I worrying unnecessarily as Turds empties the plastic cutlery drawer but seems to have nothing to replace it with? Onecapchesky to Fulham, Reo-Choker to Villa, Christmas Carol to Rangers, Mears to Derby, Marlon Mahogony to Wigan and Yossi Circumcision to the Reds.

Sure, there's a certain joy at the thought of Softwood and Heskey forming a miss a barn door from five yards partnership at Wigan and of Liverpool knocking a ball down the line for an Israeli who's gone missing on the West Bank (or left flank if you prefer!) Obviously, the moment when Reo-Choker pouts at an angry O'Neil as he is hauled from the pitch will be something to treasure. But, assuming Tevez has gone, what have we got left?

The squad is now tissue thin. Will Upson ever rise from the treatment table? Has Ashton got two good ankles? Where is the midfield cover? Who will fill in for Bellamy when he goes down for a three month stretch? Does this look like a squad challenging for a Champions League place as we were promised or a team that will get a nose bleed if it climbs half a dozen places off the bottom of the table? Where are the goals going to come from, remembering that Ashton only has a handful of Premiership goals to his name anyway? Suddenly I'm pining for Bent or Defoe!

It could be worse of course - we could have "invested" ten million in Chopra and Richardson! How long before the wearysiders realise that Keane isn't Fergy in disguise?

Irony (Which Bush thinks borders Iraq)

So Reo-Choker is departing. I have only one thing to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the battle's lost and won!

Now let's get this right. The arbitration panel had sympathy for Sheffield United and agreed that they would have deducted points from West Ham had they been conducting the hearing; but nevertheless reached the conclusion that an incorrect decision should stand. That's just about the gist of it isn't it?

So, in the words of Macbeth, "Fair is foul and foul is fair"; or "when the battle's lost and won"! Talk about equivocation! I'm a Hammers fan and I'm beginning to feel sympathy for the blunted Blades. Thank God Warnock's gone or we would never have heard the end of it! As for Red Stripe Robbo, he probably doesn't even realise there was a hearing! One for the road Red Stripe? Sorry, make that one for the river!

Never mind Sheffield, it never rains but it pours eh?

(Cue Macbeth - When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening and in rain. Where the place? The Championship. There to meet with...Colchester!)

Pole Dancing in St John's Wood

So, after a fantastic day with Andy, Mike, Martin and friends watching a fairly routine victory over the Windies at Lords, we ended up in the Castle for a few pints and who did we bump into? Only Graham "I'm more misunderstood than Reo Choker" Poll !!! What a twat!

Poll was holding court to anybody who would lick his arse (although, surprise, surprise, he had no mates of his own!). Sadly, I could not resist the temptation of boasting to Mr Poll that I am a teacher and pointing out that in my profession we all have a common duty. Graham asked what duty and I replied, to teach numeracy, and specifically the difference between two yellow cards and three; the Special One (as in Needs!) was not amused!

Very interestingly, during our chat (Poll pontificating in truth) the numerically challenged one confessed to match fixing - claiming his sister in law was a Gooner and because she had annoyed him, he turned down a stone wall penalty in the next Arsenal game. No allegedly here, this was Graham's personal testimony!

He was picked up in a chauffeur driven people carrier. Wonder how he could afford that on a referee's salary??????