First Pantsil comes out and says how Hodgson treats players with respect at Fulham; now Noble tells us he will play anywhere for West Ham United Football Club under Gianfranco Zola. "When you have got respect for a manager like Zola, you will (play anywhere for him)," he told the club's official website. "He treats you the right way and that is why I am happy to do that."
Now who is Noble comparing Zola with I wonder? Let me see, hmmmm, could it be our caravan towing, brown Volvo driving friend, Mr Lump It And See, Alan Curbishley by any chance? Surely not! Never! Impossible! Mark Noble criticising Alan West Ham Through and Through Curbishley? Perish the thought!
Monday, 23 March 2009
How Good is Robert Green?
Well I thought the Tomkins article was relatively uncontroversial, given I concluded he was a future England captain, but some still accused me of being negative and overly critical, so I approach this assessment of Green with a degree of trepidation. I realise that daring to find fault with Green amongst West Ham fans is the equivalent of showing up in Mecca for Hag with a copy of the Satanic Verses for a "holiday read" but I have never been one for allowing Orthodoxy of any form, Greek, Jewish, Muslim, Christian or Claret & Blue Klan to silence me, so here goes!
To begin, Green is a great shot stopper. Along with Friedal, James, Cech, Jaskelinen and Kirkland, he is up there with the very best in the Prem. He is agile, has strong hands and knows his angles, making it very difficult for any shot to get past him. So far so good. But does that mean he is an international quality keeper? Well, there is the rub.
If you can endure it, watch a tape of the Blackburn game through again. See how flustered Greenie looked as those crosses were boomed into our box and how passive he was when faced by the deliberate obstruction by Diouf. Now imagine for a moment Diouf trying that tactic with Van de Saar, Cech, Reina or Almunia. You can bet your life that the Spiteful Spitter would be manhandled the first time he tried it and the keeper would go down in a heap holding his face. Diouf would see yellow immediately and be warned not to repeat. What did Green do? He blinked a few times, looked puzzled and tried to reach round Diouf for the ball like a Tesco shopper trying to get a can of beans without disturbing the shelf stacker. He made a complete hash of one and got away with it, and the referee felt sorry for him and gave a free kick the second time it happened - ignoring the fact that Diouf did not move a muscle and so could not possibly have committed a foul. But Green did nothing to win that free kick, he wasn't protesting, he wasn't demanding protection, he wasn't imposing himself on the officials, his own defenders or El Spitter, he was just blinking and looking confused. The guy is too nice for his own good!
And he is not just too nice when it comes to officials and opponents, Green is also too quiet and understanding when interacting with his own defenders. How often have you seen him rollock anybody? Keepers should be generals of the penalty box, shouting orders to the defenders and giving them what's for if they fail in their defensive duties. The closest Green comes to reprimanding anybody is that arms half open gesture, supported by a slightly quizzical look and three blinks of the eyes. When he does this he looks slightly hurt and confused, like a Labrador ordered from the sofa by a bad tempered owner. I suspect that Schmeichel like rants may sometimes be counter productive if too frequently used but I would like to see Green let go sometimes, berating a colleague for failing to track an opponent. To move to the next level, Green has to be in control of others as well as himself and I never feel that he is. He is reactive, rather than proactive in my book.
Then there is the problem under crosses. I doubt anybody has saved a copy of the West Brom game (why would you?) but if there are any masochists out there, look at that elbow in the face Green collected. It was a foul, no doubt about that, but that isn't the point. The cross was bulk standard, was inside the six yard box but, foul or no, Green was never going to collect it in a million years. He was well under the ball, clutching at thin air, when the elbow connected and endangered his cheek bone whilst saving his blushes. If this was a one off, no problem, all keepers make mistakes and even Cech has dropped a couple of crosses. The trouble is, Green is vulnerable under crosses - his decision making is suspect and it is an identified weakness that Allardyce and Blackburn were deliberately seeking to exploit on Saturday. He has improved his game in this critical area this season - the gaff against Bolton at Upton Park was, I suspect, a wake up call to Clarke and led to Miklosko being told to put in some extra work with Green; but he is still not confident under crosses and still seems to misjudge whether to stick or twist when a ball is played in close to the edge of his six yard box.
"So what?" I hear you ask. "Look at James, he isn't called Calamity for nothing." True, but there is a difference. James has no actual weaknesses in his game save the tendency to make the odd complete, risible howler and you cannot plan your tactics around an unpredictable howler. Green, on the other hand, has an identifiable flaw in his technique and that can be exploited if the tactics are right.
So how good is Green? Very good. The best qualified England keeper? Sadly I think not. Personally I rate James and Kirkland ahead of him and suspect that Foster may overtake him in the pecking order ahead of the World Cup finals. I hope I am wrong and look forward to hearing the opinions of others.
To begin, Green is a great shot stopper. Along with Friedal, James, Cech, Jaskelinen and Kirkland, he is up there with the very best in the Prem. He is agile, has strong hands and knows his angles, making it very difficult for any shot to get past him. So far so good. But does that mean he is an international quality keeper? Well, there is the rub.
If you can endure it, watch a tape of the Blackburn game through again. See how flustered Greenie looked as those crosses were boomed into our box and how passive he was when faced by the deliberate obstruction by Diouf. Now imagine for a moment Diouf trying that tactic with Van de Saar, Cech, Reina or Almunia. You can bet your life that the Spiteful Spitter would be manhandled the first time he tried it and the keeper would go down in a heap holding his face. Diouf would see yellow immediately and be warned not to repeat. What did Green do? He blinked a few times, looked puzzled and tried to reach round Diouf for the ball like a Tesco shopper trying to get a can of beans without disturbing the shelf stacker. He made a complete hash of one and got away with it, and the referee felt sorry for him and gave a free kick the second time it happened - ignoring the fact that Diouf did not move a muscle and so could not possibly have committed a foul. But Green did nothing to win that free kick, he wasn't protesting, he wasn't demanding protection, he wasn't imposing himself on the officials, his own defenders or El Spitter, he was just blinking and looking confused. The guy is too nice for his own good!
And he is not just too nice when it comes to officials and opponents, Green is also too quiet and understanding when interacting with his own defenders. How often have you seen him rollock anybody? Keepers should be generals of the penalty box, shouting orders to the defenders and giving them what's for if they fail in their defensive duties. The closest Green comes to reprimanding anybody is that arms half open gesture, supported by a slightly quizzical look and three blinks of the eyes. When he does this he looks slightly hurt and confused, like a Labrador ordered from the sofa by a bad tempered owner. I suspect that Schmeichel like rants may sometimes be counter productive if too frequently used but I would like to see Green let go sometimes, berating a colleague for failing to track an opponent. To move to the next level, Green has to be in control of others as well as himself and I never feel that he is. He is reactive, rather than proactive in my book.
Then there is the problem under crosses. I doubt anybody has saved a copy of the West Brom game (why would you?) but if there are any masochists out there, look at that elbow in the face Green collected. It was a foul, no doubt about that, but that isn't the point. The cross was bulk standard, was inside the six yard box but, foul or no, Green was never going to collect it in a million years. He was well under the ball, clutching at thin air, when the elbow connected and endangered his cheek bone whilst saving his blushes. If this was a one off, no problem, all keepers make mistakes and even Cech has dropped a couple of crosses. The trouble is, Green is vulnerable under crosses - his decision making is suspect and it is an identified weakness that Allardyce and Blackburn were deliberately seeking to exploit on Saturday. He has improved his game in this critical area this season - the gaff against Bolton at Upton Park was, I suspect, a wake up call to Clarke and led to Miklosko being told to put in some extra work with Green; but he is still not confident under crosses and still seems to misjudge whether to stick or twist when a ball is played in close to the edge of his six yard box.
"So what?" I hear you ask. "Look at James, he isn't called Calamity for nothing." True, but there is a difference. James has no actual weaknesses in his game save the tendency to make the odd complete, risible howler and you cannot plan your tactics around an unpredictable howler. Green, on the other hand, has an identifiable flaw in his technique and that can be exploited if the tactics are right.
So how good is Green? Very good. The best qualified England keeper? Sadly I think not. Personally I rate James and Kirkland ahead of him and suspect that Foster may overtake him in the pecking order ahead of the World Cup finals. I hope I am wrong and look forward to hearing the opinions of others.
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Capello disagrees with Zola
No Parker in the England squad then? I am not surprised personally. Capello saw enough against West Brom to realise why Parker is a very good Prem player but not true England quality. The modern midfield player has to offer quality both defensively and offensively and sadly Parker does not offer enough going forward.
Upson is presumably fit given his inclusion. That's a strange one. Who pays his wages exactly? Not fit enough for us on Saturday but OK to join up with England the next day? Echoes of Period Pains here who strangely overcame the time of the month for Welsh games but was too bleeding injured to appear for us for months on end! I tell you what, had Upson been at Liverpool or United, he would have played on Saturday and missed the England games.
Delighted to see Cole in the squad. To all those Hammers "fans" who knock the guy and seem to delight in him missing one on one chances, stick that in your pipes and smoke it! (Dear me, am I 12 years old all over again?) If Cole pulls on the Three Lions again, I will be cheering him!
And well done to Green. The performance against Blackburn showed why I still have my reservations about him as an England keeper but I accept that few international sides will test his ability under crosses in the same way as Big Spam did.
Three Hammers in the England squad and a World Cup just over 12 months away...is history about to repeat itself? A Carlton Cole hat-trick in the World Cup Final? Stranger things haven't happened!
Upson is presumably fit given his inclusion. That's a strange one. Who pays his wages exactly? Not fit enough for us on Saturday but OK to join up with England the next day? Echoes of Period Pains here who strangely overcame the time of the month for Welsh games but was too bleeding injured to appear for us for months on end! I tell you what, had Upson been at Liverpool or United, he would have played on Saturday and missed the England games.
Delighted to see Cole in the squad. To all those Hammers "fans" who knock the guy and seem to delight in him missing one on one chances, stick that in your pipes and smoke it! (Dear me, am I 12 years old all over again?) If Cole pulls on the Three Lions again, I will be cheering him!
And well done to Green. The performance against Blackburn showed why I still have my reservations about him as an England keeper but I accept that few international sides will test his ability under crosses in the same way as Big Spam did.
Three Hammers in the England squad and a World Cup just over 12 months away...is history about to repeat itself? A Carlton Cole hat-trick in the World Cup Final? Stranger things haven't happened!
Something for the weekend sir?
If your barber whispers those words, be careful, because based on the rest of this nightmare weekend, it will have a bloody great hole in it! Spurs beat Chelsea and move to within three points of us (how big a head start do we need to be sure of finishing above the Cockyfools?), Wigan beat Hull with a late goal and move above us into seventh, City look like pulling closer with a victory over Blunderland and, worst of all, Fulham beat United, close up to a point behind us, and give Liverpool and Chelsea extra incentive to pull off a result at Upton Park.
I am not too fussed about qualifying for Europe personally (the competition is absurd already and becomes even more stupid next season) but I do want to see some progress on last year and, if we are not careful, we could find ourselves back in tenth before the season ends. That really would be galling if only because Turds could smugly point to the fact that the club had "stagnated" since his departure.
Of course, Zola can only influence our own results but, as they say, over a full season, your position in the table does not lie. Back in October I predicted Tottenham would finish above us and I fear that will happen. They are on a roll and with Keane back and firing, they are a match for anybody. In fact, but for that terrible start, they would be in contention for a Champions League place. Personally, I'm in favour of West Ham building a statue of Oneday Ramos because without his contribution, Tottenham would definitely be back in Europe next season!
Let's hope the return of Dyer and Cole will see us banging in the goals again. It is a sobering thought that under boring boring Curbishley we scored 42 goals last season, whereas so far this season we have managed just 35, 8 of which were scored BEFORE Zola became manager. That gives Zola a return of just 27 goals from 26 league games, or one a game, less than we managed under Turds. Stats don't lie and for all our pretty approach play, our "goals for" tally is woeful.
Some will stupidly blame Cole for that or point the finger at Di Michele, but the strikers can only score if the team creates chances - and how many openings did we create against West Brom and Blackburn? Dyer may be part of the solution, as may be the return of Collison but to score more, we need to commit more players forward. Clarke is a cleverer version of Curbishley, a member of the safety first, "one point is better than none, if the opposition don't score we can't lose" school of tactics. I would like to see the shackles off at some point soon. Let's trade blows and see if we can score more than the opposition. I would take tenth with free flowing football over 7th secured by circling the wagons and parking the caravan.
Come on Zola, rev up the Ferrari and tell Clarke to leave the brown Volvo in the garage!
I am not too fussed about qualifying for Europe personally (the competition is absurd already and becomes even more stupid next season) but I do want to see some progress on last year and, if we are not careful, we could find ourselves back in tenth before the season ends. That really would be galling if only because Turds could smugly point to the fact that the club had "stagnated" since his departure.
Of course, Zola can only influence our own results but, as they say, over a full season, your position in the table does not lie. Back in October I predicted Tottenham would finish above us and I fear that will happen. They are on a roll and with Keane back and firing, they are a match for anybody. In fact, but for that terrible start, they would be in contention for a Champions League place. Personally, I'm in favour of West Ham building a statue of Oneday Ramos because without his contribution, Tottenham would definitely be back in Europe next season!
Let's hope the return of Dyer and Cole will see us banging in the goals again. It is a sobering thought that under boring boring Curbishley we scored 42 goals last season, whereas so far this season we have managed just 35, 8 of which were scored BEFORE Zola became manager. That gives Zola a return of just 27 goals from 26 league games, or one a game, less than we managed under Turds. Stats don't lie and for all our pretty approach play, our "goals for" tally is woeful.
Some will stupidly blame Cole for that or point the finger at Di Michele, but the strikers can only score if the team creates chances - and how many openings did we create against West Brom and Blackburn? Dyer may be part of the solution, as may be the return of Collison but to score more, we need to commit more players forward. Clarke is a cleverer version of Curbishley, a member of the safety first, "one point is better than none, if the opposition don't score we can't lose" school of tactics. I would like to see the shackles off at some point soon. Let's trade blows and see if we can score more than the opposition. I would take tenth with free flowing football over 7th secured by circling the wagons and parking the caravan.
Come on Zola, rev up the Ferrari and tell Clarke to leave the brown Volvo in the garage!
How good is Tomkins?
With a two week gap between games, I will be using this blog site to debate the strengths and weaknesses of the present squad, trying to assess where we are in need of strengthening and where we are strong. Young Tommo follows on from old Lucash by way of juxtaposition.
When he came into the side against Everton, I was worried. Curbishley sang his praises but Tomkins was badly at fault for the Everton goal - he was too tight on Yakubu and was turned far too easily - and lucky that a repeat error did not lead to a second goal. When he played against Hartlepool, his passing was sloppy and a better team would undoubtedly have punished him. I will admit to being very critical of him after the Borough game. To be brutally honest, he looked undercooked to the point of being raw and I was very anxious going into the game against City, predicting that Ribena would crush his blackcurrants.
However, that City game seems to have been the making of him. I know Ribena doesn't really turn up for away games but he is still an awesome talent and Tommo must have had some self doubts going into the game. If Yakubu can turn me, what hope have I got against Ribena? If the Boro boys can expose me, surely it will be more than a close shave against the Brazilian, surely he will skin me? But Tommo stood tall, kept his bush and we kept a clean sheet into the bargain. And from that point, the kid has not looked back. (Well except to see if Green is coming to punch that cross!)
Positionally, Tomkins has been excellent and it was so impressive to see him and Neill working as an effective centre back pairing in the face of the Blackburn barrage. Now, it is one thing to look the part alongside Upson - even Downpipe looked like a Premiership defender briefly - but quite another to look impressive alongside Neill. To be fair to Lucash, he was excellent and kept talking to his younger partner, encouraging him to maintain focus and close, jump, close, jump, block, close and block again. At times it was like watching Ali against Foreman, backed into the corner, arms in front of the face, blocking blow after blow. That takes guts, that takes skill and Tommo and Neill showed it in abundance. It is a real shame that they did not get the three points that their performances deserved. Let's face it, Green was rattled and seemed to be one ill judged charge for a cross away from disaster for most of the second half. Tommo wasn't flustered, he just got on with his job to the best of his blossoming ability.
How good is he? Well he is not the finished article and he will cost us goals, just as a young striker misses chances and a young midfielder loses possession. When those mistakes are made, we must keep it in perspective. Look at the over reaction to Sears' solitary goal - we were all calling him the new Cottee! Look at the reaction to Tommo's error at Everton, some were ready to call him the new Strodder! That is the advantage of being the glory boy striker rather than the Mr Consistency defender.
Tommo is still raw, not as raw (that loan spell at Derby no doubt helped) but still raw. His main weakness at the moment is the failure to get distance on his defensive headers. When Collins' red head connects with the ball, it is as if it has been fired out of a cannon. "Take that" his forehead says, and the ball goes miles; when Tommo connects, it tends to loop and drop about five yards outside our box. Those neck muscles need strengthening. He also tends to head the ball without thought for direction. There were times against Blackburn when he could have headed the ball away from danger but instead dropped it just outside the box in an all too central position.
But let's not be too critical. Bobby Moore wasn't the best header of a ball and I remember Rio making many a gaff as a young West Ham defender. Upson didn't really mature until he was 27. Time is on Tommo's side and I think he is every bit as an exciting prospect as Collison. Let's get behind the kid, I see him as an England captain in the making.
When he came into the side against Everton, I was worried. Curbishley sang his praises but Tomkins was badly at fault for the Everton goal - he was too tight on Yakubu and was turned far too easily - and lucky that a repeat error did not lead to a second goal. When he played against Hartlepool, his passing was sloppy and a better team would undoubtedly have punished him. I will admit to being very critical of him after the Borough game. To be brutally honest, he looked undercooked to the point of being raw and I was very anxious going into the game against City, predicting that Ribena would crush his blackcurrants.
However, that City game seems to have been the making of him. I know Ribena doesn't really turn up for away games but he is still an awesome talent and Tommo must have had some self doubts going into the game. If Yakubu can turn me, what hope have I got against Ribena? If the Boro boys can expose me, surely it will be more than a close shave against the Brazilian, surely he will skin me? But Tommo stood tall, kept his bush and we kept a clean sheet into the bargain. And from that point, the kid has not looked back. (Well except to see if Green is coming to punch that cross!)
Positionally, Tomkins has been excellent and it was so impressive to see him and Neill working as an effective centre back pairing in the face of the Blackburn barrage. Now, it is one thing to look the part alongside Upson - even Downpipe looked like a Premiership defender briefly - but quite another to look impressive alongside Neill. To be fair to Lucash, he was excellent and kept talking to his younger partner, encouraging him to maintain focus and close, jump, close, jump, block, close and block again. At times it was like watching Ali against Foreman, backed into the corner, arms in front of the face, blocking blow after blow. That takes guts, that takes skill and Tommo and Neill showed it in abundance. It is a real shame that they did not get the three points that their performances deserved. Let's face it, Green was rattled and seemed to be one ill judged charge for a cross away from disaster for most of the second half. Tommo wasn't flustered, he just got on with his job to the best of his blossoming ability.
How good is he? Well he is not the finished article and he will cost us goals, just as a young striker misses chances and a young midfielder loses possession. When those mistakes are made, we must keep it in perspective. Look at the over reaction to Sears' solitary goal - we were all calling him the new Cottee! Look at the reaction to Tommo's error at Everton, some were ready to call him the new Strodder! That is the advantage of being the glory boy striker rather than the Mr Consistency defender.
Tommo is still raw, not as raw (that loan spell at Derby no doubt helped) but still raw. His main weakness at the moment is the failure to get distance on his defensive headers. When Collins' red head connects with the ball, it is as if it has been fired out of a cannon. "Take that" his forehead says, and the ball goes miles; when Tommo connects, it tends to loop and drop about five yards outside our box. Those neck muscles need strengthening. He also tends to head the ball without thought for direction. There were times against Blackburn when he could have headed the ball away from danger but instead dropped it just outside the box in an all too central position.
But let's not be too critical. Bobby Moore wasn't the best header of a ball and I remember Rio making many a gaff as a young West Ham defender. Upson didn't really mature until he was 27. Time is on Tommo's side and I think he is every bit as an exciting prospect as Collison. Let's get behind the kid, I see him as an England captain in the making.
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Your Honour, I Rest My Case
We should have fought it, we should have seen the Red Stripes in Court. Defending the legal action brought by the Blunted Blades would have been one of the easiest jobs in the world. Tevez and West Ham responsible for their relegation, who are they kidding?
Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?
For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?
Exhibit C - Look at their performances in the Championship!
Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager after Warlock departed. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!
I rest my case.
Your Honour, I give you exhibit A - Neil Warnock. Enough said?
For exhibit B I offer you the Sheffield United team sheet. Is that really a team worthy of a place in the Premiership?
Exhibit C - Look at their performances in the Championship!
Exhibit D - They appointed Red Stripe Robbo as manager after Warlock departed. Clearly, your Honour, the club have a death wish!
I rest my case.
Referee Foy Seeking Legal Advice
In the light of Big Spam's post match comments, referee Chris Foy would be well advised to find a good lawyer quick! With Blackburn still teetering on the brink of the drop, Mr Foy and his assistants may well be in need of a Silk after controversial decisions "robbed" the Knockemblackandblueandburnem of two additional points.
Not one to criticise referees without good cause, Mr Allardyce raged, "We feel bitterly disappointed we have not got three points and in many ways that is our fault but it is also the fault of the referee's assistant and it is a hard one to take.
Not one to criticise referees without good cause, Mr Allardyce raged, "We feel bitterly disappointed we have not got three points and in many ways that is our fault but it is also the fault of the referee's assistant and it is a hard one to take.
"We had two goals disallowed for offside but unfortunately the key area lies with the West Ham goal which nobody can argue is not offside - and we don't know why the referee has not given it as he was in such a good position"
"What can be done about it? Nothing. But I have to express my disapproval publicly because we are in a very difficult position and we can't afford to have major decisions going against us."
Now it is that last paragraph that would really worry me if I was Mr Foy. The use of that word "afford" suggests to me a pending compensation claim should Blackburn fall, unfairly, through the relegation trap door.
I am not a lawyer myself but I would recommend that on Monday Mr Foy put his house and everything he owns into the name of his wife; or maybe he could go for a canoe ride and show up under a Panama hat in a few years time; or perhaps he has £25 million set aside for just this eventuality. One thing is for sure, some Judge who went to a rugger school and has never been close to a fottball shirt (other than to lift it to gain entry) will offer an expert opinion that by allowing that goal, Mr Foy cost Blackburn the two points that ensured their relegation. And who knows, because we scored it, we will probably be held jointly liable.
By The Skin Of Our Teeth
That's an odd saying isn't it? Anyone know where it comes from? The tooth of a punch drunk boxer hanging on by a slither of skin perhaps, which would sum up our second half display quite nicely. Until Dyer appeared we couldn't get the ball out of our own half and pass after pass was misplaced as we tried to get the ball beyond that funny white mark that cuts through the centre circle. Did I miss something, was Samba picked as a striker and were Kovac and Parker playing in a back six? That's the way it appeared!
God only knows what happened at half time. Big Spam obviously laid into his players and told them to cut out anything fancy whatsoever. Just thump the ball into the box and chase after it. The keeper is dodgy under crosses so get it under his bar and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Quite what Zola said, I have no idea. He certainly didn't tell Di Michele to track back, or if he did he wasn't speaking the same language, which is ironic given they are both Italian. For once, Zola's tactical switches were intelligent but why did we have to wait until the 80th minute to see Dyer. Surely he could have managed twenty minutes in the circumstances?
What were the plusses? Neill and Tomkins were excellent given the pressure they were under. We are rightfully excited about Collison but it is beginning to look as if Tomkins could be just as good. Kovac did a stirling job defensively and had a hand in the goal. It was great to see Noble get on the scoring sheet - that will help his confidence enormously - and LBM buzzed around like a blue bottle on a summer's morning. The biggest plus, however, was the appearance of Dyer and the stunning turn of pace he showed when going down that left flank. It seems as if the bloke can at least run, and I was having my doubts about that! One burst of speed does not an international footballer make but, who knows, maybe, just maybe, just maybe, Dyer might play a part for us next season. Maybe.
One last major plus - Cole has served his suspension and will be back for the Sunderland game. All those mugs who have been questioning his right to be in the team must surely now see why he is such an important player for us. Cole may miss chances but at least we get chances when he is in the team!
God only knows what happened at half time. Big Spam obviously laid into his players and told them to cut out anything fancy whatsoever. Just thump the ball into the box and chase after it. The keeper is dodgy under crosses so get it under his bar and CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!! Quite what Zola said, I have no idea. He certainly didn't tell Di Michele to track back, or if he did he wasn't speaking the same language, which is ironic given they are both Italian. For once, Zola's tactical switches were intelligent but why did we have to wait until the 80th minute to see Dyer. Surely he could have managed twenty minutes in the circumstances?
What were the plusses? Neill and Tomkins were excellent given the pressure they were under. We are rightfully excited about Collison but it is beginning to look as if Tomkins could be just as good. Kovac did a stirling job defensively and had a hand in the goal. It was great to see Noble get on the scoring sheet - that will help his confidence enormously - and LBM buzzed around like a blue bottle on a summer's morning. The biggest plus, however, was the appearance of Dyer and the stunning turn of pace he showed when going down that left flank. It seems as if the bloke can at least run, and I was having my doubts about that! One burst of speed does not an international footballer make but, who knows, maybe, just maybe, just maybe, Dyer might play a part for us next season. Maybe.
One last major plus - Cole has served his suspension and will be back for the Sunderland game. All those mugs who have been questioning his right to be in the team must surely now see why he is such an important player for us. Cole may miss chances but at least we get chances when he is in the team!
The Lucas Neill Debate
Full marks to the Mirror for their headline, "Zola says Lucas Neill is worth every penny of his fat contract" because that captures perfectly the oxymoron that is our skipless Skippy. In recent weeks, Lucas has looked like a defender reborn, maintaining excellent positional discipline and treating the ball with respect when we are in possession. Clarke has clearly been working on him, demanding that he cut out the stupid stuff - including diving in on the half way line and passing across his own box to an opposition forward. But one big problem remains, Lucas is slow, too slow in my opinion to be a right back.
Look at the West Brom game, what did we offer going forward on the right? From memory, we got the ball into the box on the right hand side just once in the whole game. Why? Because Noble kept drifting inside and Neill did not dare overlap because he knows that he lacks to pace to recover his defensive position. And this lack of pace has been a real problem to us as an offensive unit all season. Parker and Behrami have been superb all season but both have done 70% of their work as part of a defensive six. Parker anchors in front of the back four and Behrami played as an auxillary right back, pushing forward when he could but always aware that his main job was to protect Neill from being exposed one on one with anybody with pace. The result is that we are very tight defensively but we offer very little going forward, despite all the delicious passing.
Reflect on the Wigan game. Without the shield of Beharami, Neill was forced to give away two free kicks on the edge of our box and "reverted to type" with that leg break tackle on Cattermole just inside our half. Never mind the argument that he could have seen straight red for the Cattermole tackle, had Attwell flashed yellow for either of the shirt tugs that gave away the free kicks (and they were professional fouls and so merited a booking more than Cole's high foot), then Neill would certainly have gone for a second yellow for that wincer of a challenge. Against West Brom, Neill was our best player defensively but what did he have do? Very little, yet he still could have conceded a penalty for what was, indisputably, a shirt pull in the box.
The brutal truth is that, for all his leadership qualities, Neill lacks pace and does make stupid decisions when a forward looks like getting the better of him. If I was a referee, I would watch him very closely at corners and free kicks and would feel within my rights to give a penalty at every set piece. Lucas seems to think that holding an opponent is a legitimate defensive ploy. It isn't and, sooner or later, the referee will spot what the TV camera exposes virtually every game.
So is he worth his fat contract? No. He is getting older and will get slower. He may well have a couple of years in those legs as a centre back but his days as a right back are almost over - unless we accept that we need a defensive six in every game to cover for Lucas's frailties. The contract is up for renewal and I would slash his salary by at least 33% to reflect his reduced effectiveness. The fact is, with Collins, Upson, Tomkins and Gabbidon (if ever fit), we do not need another centre back so why pay top dollar for Neill? On the other hand, to push on to the next level, we need a Herita Ilunga at right back, a good defender with the ability and pace to get forward. Only then will we start scoring more goals.
Look at the West Brom game, what did we offer going forward on the right? From memory, we got the ball into the box on the right hand side just once in the whole game. Why? Because Noble kept drifting inside and Neill did not dare overlap because he knows that he lacks to pace to recover his defensive position. And this lack of pace has been a real problem to us as an offensive unit all season. Parker and Behrami have been superb all season but both have done 70% of their work as part of a defensive six. Parker anchors in front of the back four and Behrami played as an auxillary right back, pushing forward when he could but always aware that his main job was to protect Neill from being exposed one on one with anybody with pace. The result is that we are very tight defensively but we offer very little going forward, despite all the delicious passing.
Reflect on the Wigan game. Without the shield of Beharami, Neill was forced to give away two free kicks on the edge of our box and "reverted to type" with that leg break tackle on Cattermole just inside our half. Never mind the argument that he could have seen straight red for the Cattermole tackle, had Attwell flashed yellow for either of the shirt tugs that gave away the free kicks (and they were professional fouls and so merited a booking more than Cole's high foot), then Neill would certainly have gone for a second yellow for that wincer of a challenge. Against West Brom, Neill was our best player defensively but what did he have do? Very little, yet he still could have conceded a penalty for what was, indisputably, a shirt pull in the box.
The brutal truth is that, for all his leadership qualities, Neill lacks pace and does make stupid decisions when a forward looks like getting the better of him. If I was a referee, I would watch him very closely at corners and free kicks and would feel within my rights to give a penalty at every set piece. Lucas seems to think that holding an opponent is a legitimate defensive ploy. It isn't and, sooner or later, the referee will spot what the TV camera exposes virtually every game.
So is he worth his fat contract? No. He is getting older and will get slower. He may well have a couple of years in those legs as a centre back but his days as a right back are almost over - unless we accept that we need a defensive six in every game to cover for Lucas's frailties. The contract is up for renewal and I would slash his salary by at least 33% to reflect his reduced effectiveness. The fact is, with Collins, Upson, Tomkins and Gabbidon (if ever fit), we do not need another centre back so why pay top dollar for Neill? On the other hand, to push on to the next level, we need a Herita Ilunga at right back, a good defender with the ability and pace to get forward. Only then will we start scoring more goals.
Cluedo
Any truth in the rumour that they are inventing a new Cluedo game, "Who relegated Sheffield United?" Was it Chairman Brown in the Boleyn Ground with the dodgy signing? Or Professor Benitez in the Cottage with the dodgy team selection? Or most likely, Colonel Warnock in the Premiership with the shite team!
Friday, 20 March 2009
Zola To Be Drug Tested
Now we know why Zola is smiling all the time, he's been puffing the wacky backy. I don't hold with those who maintain that Parker is a liability because he dwells on the ball too long and pirouettes more than a ballet dancer on a gyroscope, but I do not understand how anybody can seriously suggest that he is currently the best midfield player in the Premiership.
How many goals has Parker scored this season exactly? How many assists? Yes he does his defensive duties well and yes he is all energy, but what does he offer going forward? The opposition penalty area seems like a total exclusion zone for Parker and I could count on one hand the number of passes he has completed over 20 yards so far this season. Do the pulses start to race when Parker picks up the ball? Do you find yourself thinking, "Something special is going to happen here"? I'm sorry, but I don't.
I am not knocking the guy, I think he has been one of our best players this season, but to mention him in the same breath as match winners like Lampard and Gerrard seems absurd to me. Parker does not punch in the same division as these two heavyweights. He can't skin defenders like Walcott and Young, he doesn't have the passing range of Carrick and he isn't as good a tackler or crosser as Barry. The fact is, Parker was pressed out of the game by West Brom and Villa. Each time he collected the ball, somebody was biting at his ankles and Parker looked flustered and hurried. And we all know that the mark of a very good player is that he always appears to have more time than mere mortals.
Capello was at the Villa game and witnessed Parker's discomfort, and Parker has not figured in an England squad subsequently. Capello looked less than impressed at Upton Park on Monday too so I would be very surprised to see Parker adding to his meagre number of England caps any time soon. Zola, of course, is probably just trying to boost morale after that abject performance against the Baggies but Parker is a big boy now and should not be in need of such crude kiddology. Save it for the little uns boss, Freddie Sears might be boosted if you told him he was still worth a place in his school team!
How many goals has Parker scored this season exactly? How many assists? Yes he does his defensive duties well and yes he is all energy, but what does he offer going forward? The opposition penalty area seems like a total exclusion zone for Parker and I could count on one hand the number of passes he has completed over 20 yards so far this season. Do the pulses start to race when Parker picks up the ball? Do you find yourself thinking, "Something special is going to happen here"? I'm sorry, but I don't.
I am not knocking the guy, I think he has been one of our best players this season, but to mention him in the same breath as match winners like Lampard and Gerrard seems absurd to me. Parker does not punch in the same division as these two heavyweights. He can't skin defenders like Walcott and Young, he doesn't have the passing range of Carrick and he isn't as good a tackler or crosser as Barry. The fact is, Parker was pressed out of the game by West Brom and Villa. Each time he collected the ball, somebody was biting at his ankles and Parker looked flustered and hurried. And we all know that the mark of a very good player is that he always appears to have more time than mere mortals.
Capello was at the Villa game and witnessed Parker's discomfort, and Parker has not figured in an England squad subsequently. Capello looked less than impressed at Upton Park on Monday too so I would be very surprised to see Parker adding to his meagre number of England caps any time soon. Zola, of course, is probably just trying to boost morale after that abject performance against the Baggies but Parker is a big boy now and should not be in need of such crude kiddology. Save it for the little uns boss, Freddie Sears might be boosted if you told him he was still worth a place in his school team!
Pants Reveals All!
John Pantsil has ditched the dirt on Turds and revealed that West Ham had no team spirit when he was at Upton Park. He said: "At West Ham we didn't stick together like we do here. When I came to Fulham the welcome was amazing, I felt I had been playing for the team for years."
Those of us who commented on Curbishley's failure to even look at the players he substituted as they left the field, will feel empathy with Pantsil when he adds, "Here, the manager will shake everybody's hand before training. But if training is not going well, he is not afraid to tell us to put more effort in."
It is pretty obvious who he is talking about when he continues, "Some managers just keep quiet and let the players do whatever they want. And on a Saturday, whether they win or lose, they don't care. But here the manager will challenge you to play well. And he has really improved my game, being offensive and defensive, and overlapping."
Many West Ham fans continue to defend Curbishley despite all the evidence. Onecapchesky had his say when he left, Tevez revealed that Turds wrote the match day tactics on a white board and said nothing to the team and former Charlton players, including Murphy and Bent, have talked in a less than complimentary way about their former manager. It is probably no coincidence that the dinosaur is still out of work despite all those years of "success" at Charlton.
I am very clear in my mind that the appointment of Curbishley was a terrible mistake. Just think where we might be now had somebody with a little gumption been allowed to invest all that money!
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Tony Carr's Testimonial - Old Skool Pete 's Poser.
If ever a guy has deserved a testimonial, it is Tony Carr. On the mordant org, Old Skool has invited suggestions for who should play in the game. My vote is for a team of Carr's "Home Made Hammers" against a team of "Claret and Blue Mercenaries" selected from players currently playing the game.
If that was the format, who would figure in the two strongest teams? Well some names are obvious. Assuming everybody is fit, Carr's Academy Products would include Lampard, both Ferdinands (Anton is ahead of Tomkins), Johnson, Cole, Carrick and Collison for sure. The Mercenaries would have to include Tevez, (without a Third Party Agreement!), Upson, Parker, Defoe (we bought / stole him from Charlton), Ashton or Kanoute, Green or James, Ilunga, Collins, Behrami, Yossi and Reo-Choker. Have I forgotten any of the obvious candidates?
What the two lists throw up is the paucity of our "home grown" strikers and keepers. There has been no "made in West Ham" forward of real note since Cottee. And before him, is Hurst really the next down the line? There's Clyde Best I suppose but I'm scratching my head trying to think of another! Slater wasn't all that at the end of the day was he? As for the guy between the sticks, Bywater was not off the Carr conveyor belt; in fact apart from Finn, Mervyn Fat Man Day is the only one I can think of. Does Stech count? I think we bought him didn't we? Left back is another weak area!
The Mercenaries should logically be managed by Redknapp but as a Tottenham managing, Arsenal supporting West Ham man, I think he would have to be given the Academy boys ; Curbishley or Zola could manage the Buy-ins. To give him a role, Pardew could be brought back to keep the players' wives entertained! If a clown was needed for the half time entertainment, we could put a call through to Roeder!
So, three questions. First, who would make up the balance of the two teams? Second who would play where? And third, which team would win the game?
If that was the format, who would figure in the two strongest teams? Well some names are obvious. Assuming everybody is fit, Carr's Academy Products would include Lampard, both Ferdinands (Anton is ahead of Tomkins), Johnson, Cole, Carrick and Collison for sure. The Mercenaries would have to include Tevez, (without a Third Party Agreement!), Upson, Parker, Defoe (we bought / stole him from Charlton), Ashton or Kanoute, Green or James, Ilunga, Collins, Behrami, Yossi and Reo-Choker. Have I forgotten any of the obvious candidates?
What the two lists throw up is the paucity of our "home grown" strikers and keepers. There has been no "made in West Ham" forward of real note since Cottee. And before him, is Hurst really the next down the line? There's Clyde Best I suppose but I'm scratching my head trying to think of another! Slater wasn't all that at the end of the day was he? As for the guy between the sticks, Bywater was not off the Carr conveyor belt; in fact apart from Finn, Mervyn Fat Man Day is the only one I can think of. Does Stech count? I think we bought him didn't we? Left back is another weak area!
The Mercenaries should logically be managed by Redknapp but as a Tottenham managing, Arsenal supporting West Ham man, I think he would have to be given the Academy boys ; Curbishley or Zola could manage the Buy-ins. To give him a role, Pardew could be brought back to keep the players' wives entertained! If a clown was needed for the half time entertainment, we could put a call through to Roeder!
So, three questions. First, who would make up the balance of the two teams? Second who would play where? And third, which team would win the game?
Elano to Upton Park!
Sorry, not news, just speculation. But who on here would fancy him? City are planning to offload and he seems the ideal partner for Parker in central midfield, offering genuine flair as a counterfoil to Scotty's endeavour. We need creativity and goals from our midfield and I fancy a Zola managed Elano would fit the bill perfectly. With Behrami and Parker running themselves into the ground, Collison springing beyond the strikers and Elano picking the passes, we really would be a force to reckon with going forward. Just imagine a fully fit Ashton in front of that fabulous four!
Am I in cloud cuckoo land or is this a possibility?
Am I in cloud cuckoo land or is this a possibility?
A Present From Santa
Father Christmas has come early with the news that Rocky is out for the count and won't be turning up for the game on Saturday to deliver a Cruz missile or two. Mind you, Jason Roberts has a pretty good track record against us and will fancy his chances with Upson probably ruled out with his tweaked calf. They will be baying for Neill's blood at Ewood Park of course so the chances are that Roberts will have the opportunity to score from the spot after being wrestled to the ground in the box by Lucash.
I don't do predictions in the week of a game for fear of putting the mockers on the side but I am not filled with confidence after that dreadful performance on Monday. Still no Cole thanks to Attwell so Tristan looks like he might get a walk out. He can't be less effective than Sears I suppose but does anybody really fancy him as a Premiership striker?
Any news on Dyer?
I don't do predictions in the week of a game for fear of putting the mockers on the side but I am not filled with confidence after that dreadful performance on Monday. Still no Cole thanks to Attwell so Tristan looks like he might get a walk out. He can't be less effective than Sears I suppose but does anybody really fancy him as a Premiership striker?
Any news on Dyer?
Locked Stocks and two Smoking Bramells
(Contributed by fellow mordant.org outcast L Martillo)
Anyone who has ever been involved in financial negotiations will know that you don’t start with your bottom line; a reasonable rule of thumb says "double it and then negotiate". So to agree to pay Sheffield United about half of the ridiculously inflated figure they asked for, seems to me to be tantamount to wandering down to the village green and restraining ourselves in the stocks, the medieval throne of public humiliation. Assaulted with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, or compensation claims as we call them these days, there seems little leeway to say anything other than, "It’s a fair cop – we’re guilty – punish us."
Had we negotiated an out of court settlement early on in this dispute, it is unlikely that the Premier League would have ordered a further enquiry and the whole business, though costly, would have been forgotten by now. If we had argued our corner at the hearing convened to adjudicate on compensation, we would probably have been no more financially inconvenienced than we have been but would at least still have been able to say the decision was unjust and we had been unfairly treated.
But what happens now? Sitting there like the aftermath of a comic relief red nose day fundraiser, I fear we may have left ourselves open to be hit with the cruelest punishment of all; a hefty points deduction that would be a bitter pillory to swallow.
"Remove our boots and beat our naked soles" in the words of Bastinado.
Anyone who has ever been involved in financial negotiations will know that you don’t start with your bottom line; a reasonable rule of thumb says "double it and then negotiate". So to agree to pay Sheffield United about half of the ridiculously inflated figure they asked for, seems to me to be tantamount to wandering down to the village green and restraining ourselves in the stocks, the medieval throne of public humiliation. Assaulted with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, or compensation claims as we call them these days, there seems little leeway to say anything other than, "It’s a fair cop – we’re guilty – punish us."
Had we negotiated an out of court settlement early on in this dispute, it is unlikely that the Premier League would have ordered a further enquiry and the whole business, though costly, would have been forgotten by now. If we had argued our corner at the hearing convened to adjudicate on compensation, we would probably have been no more financially inconvenienced than we have been but would at least still have been able to say the decision was unjust and we had been unfairly treated.
But what happens now? Sitting there like the aftermath of a comic relief red nose day fundraiser, I fear we may have left ourselves open to be hit with the cruelest punishment of all; a hefty points deduction that would be a bitter pillory to swallow.
"Remove our boots and beat our naked soles" in the words of Bastinado.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Was Noble Nobbled? Blame Basildon Irons!
(The following has been lifted from the mordant org. Bas has always been an intelligent contributor willing to risk the ire of the Klan. I hope you don't mind me carrying this Bas, given I am banned from the site it is the only way I can engage in the debate with you! I attach a response and hope others join the debate.)
Mark Noble burst onto the scene in the most emphatic way and, in my opinion, without him the great escape would never have happened. He was the real driving force behind those great performances that secured our Premier League survival; but, for me, ever since the start of last season something has been missing, he just simply has not cut it.
Now before you all start throwing abuse about me being negative and how he’s one of us and we should leave him alone (all that stuff has been thrown at me many times before on westhamfans.org) just have a real hard think about this player. He doesn’t score goals, he doesn't assist, he’s not a destroying midfielder who prevents goals and his tackling comes with a "Will Break A Leg Soon" warning; so tell me, what is he actually good at?
I think he has gone backwards in his development and for such a young player he appears terribly slow with no burst of pace whatsoever. This brings me to the point where I’m slightly confused. When Curbishley brought him through, he seemed to have all the technical attributes, apart from natural pace, needed to become a West Ham great; yet time after time I’m left totally frustrated and bemused by his performances.
In those early oh so heady days, Curbishley seemed to give him a ‘Steven Gerrard’ level of freedom, apparently sending him onto the pitch with a "just go out and play" instruction. When he did this he was top notch and the enthusiasm he showed, allied to his natural talent, was exceptional. Come the start of last season, however, he seemed withdrawn, depressed almost, with all his creative spark extinguished. It was as if Curbishley had told him to adopt a more responsible defensive role, not to get drawn too far forward, not to gamble and risk being caught out of position. Whether or not this is actually the case we will probably never know but that’s how it seemed. Like everyone under Curbishley, he picked up niggling injuries and his season never really took off. It was like a lost year, a year in the wilderness, with Noble searching for the player he once had been.
The start of this season was much the same and then enter Gianfranco Zola. I really expected someone like Zola to get the best out of Noble. I thought he would liberate him, release him from the shackles of self doubt and get him performing with his old vim and vigour. But that hasn’t happened has it? Where are those lung-busting runs into the opposition's box? Where are those fearsome tackles when tracking back to our own goal? Where are those set piece deliveries? Where are those emotional, wholesome gutsy performances that turned a team of down and outs into a team of winners, a team of fighters, a team with pride? Where has it all gone wrong for this boy?
We know he can do the business, we’ve all seen it, but for whatever reason it just isn’t happening. I’m interested to know if anyone has the same views as me but please, if all you’re going to do is yell insults, don’t bother wasting your time. I’m not having a dig, I just want to know if anyone else thinks the same as me and to hear other views on this. Is it mismanagement or is Noble simply not good enough?
Mark Noble burst onto the scene in the most emphatic way and, in my opinion, without him the great escape would never have happened. He was the real driving force behind those great performances that secured our Premier League survival; but, for me, ever since the start of last season something has been missing, he just simply has not cut it.
Now before you all start throwing abuse about me being negative and how he’s one of us and we should leave him alone (all that stuff has been thrown at me many times before on westhamfans.org) just have a real hard think about this player. He doesn’t score goals, he doesn't assist, he’s not a destroying midfielder who prevents goals and his tackling comes with a "Will Break A Leg Soon" warning; so tell me, what is he actually good at?
I think he has gone backwards in his development and for such a young player he appears terribly slow with no burst of pace whatsoever. This brings me to the point where I’m slightly confused. When Curbishley brought him through, he seemed to have all the technical attributes, apart from natural pace, needed to become a West Ham great; yet time after time I’m left totally frustrated and bemused by his performances.
In those early oh so heady days, Curbishley seemed to give him a ‘Steven Gerrard’ level of freedom, apparently sending him onto the pitch with a "just go out and play" instruction. When he did this he was top notch and the enthusiasm he showed, allied to his natural talent, was exceptional. Come the start of last season, however, he seemed withdrawn, depressed almost, with all his creative spark extinguished. It was as if Curbishley had told him to adopt a more responsible defensive role, not to get drawn too far forward, not to gamble and risk being caught out of position. Whether or not this is actually the case we will probably never know but that’s how it seemed. Like everyone under Curbishley, he picked up niggling injuries and his season never really took off. It was like a lost year, a year in the wilderness, with Noble searching for the player he once had been.
The start of this season was much the same and then enter Gianfranco Zola. I really expected someone like Zola to get the best out of Noble. I thought he would liberate him, release him from the shackles of self doubt and get him performing with his old vim and vigour. But that hasn’t happened has it? Where are those lung-busting runs into the opposition's box? Where are those fearsome tackles when tracking back to our own goal? Where are those set piece deliveries? Where are those emotional, wholesome gutsy performances that turned a team of down and outs into a team of winners, a team of fighters, a team with pride? Where has it all gone wrong for this boy?
We know he can do the business, we’ve all seen it, but for whatever reason it just isn’t happening. I’m interested to know if anyone has the same views as me but please, if all you’re going to do is yell insults, don’t bother wasting your time. I’m not having a dig, I just want to know if anyone else thinks the same as me and to hear other views on this. Is it mismanagement or is Noble simply not good enough?
Curbishley Comes Clean!
At last the baggy eyed one has confirmed what I have been saying ever since the Great Escape, he wasn't the chief tunnel digger, the credit for us avoiding the drop belongs to the guys who officiated the Blackburn game! As the great egotist himself states, "People forget we scored a winning goal at Blackburn that didn't cross the line - so are they going to sue the linesman and the referee?"
It is a good point very well made Alan, but why has it taken you so long to make it? How many times have I heard you boast about how you saved the club from the Fizzy Pop and then lifted us to the heady heights of tenth place the following season? Now, all of a sudden, the caravan towing brown Volvo driver has pulled over into the lay-by and let the truth slip past. No tactical trump cards, no motivational miracles, just a huge slice of good, old fashioned luck.
Has somebody slipped him a truth drug perchance?
It is a good point very well made Alan, but why has it taken you so long to make it? How many times have I heard you boast about how you saved the club from the Fizzy Pop and then lifted us to the heady heights of tenth place the following season? Now, all of a sudden, the caravan towing brown Volvo driver has pulled over into the lay-by and let the truth slip past. No tactical trump cards, no motivational miracles, just a huge slice of good, old fashioned luck.
Has somebody slipped him a truth drug perchance?
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Sears of Sorrow
I blogged before the game about my concerns over Sears and I'm afraid I saw nothing last night to suggest that the kid has what it takes to make it at Premiership level. Yes he ran around, yes he closed down West Brom defenders, yes he managed a shot but, be honest, did he ever look like scoring? It is a sobering thought that a whole year has now passed since his solitary goal in West Ham colours.
Where-as Collison and Tomkins have shown genuine, and in Collison's case remarkable, progress this season, Sears has gone backwards. The desperate amongst us are suggesting that Sears looked a better player alongside Ashton, but they were clearly not at the Macclesfield game when Sears huffed and puffed for sixty or so embarrassing minutes alongside Beano before Turds called time on his night and sent Cole on as a replacement. Immediately our attacking play had a new potency, just as with the arrival of Di Michele in the Cup game away to Boro. Now Macclesfield were bottom of the old Fourth Division at the time, winless, clueless and there for the taking. Sadly, poor Freddie looked out of his depth against even this most modest of opposition.
Last night there was a huge gap between Di Michele and Sears for most of the night. The Italian dropped deeper and deeper in search of possession and Sears hung the wrong side of the last defender, repeatedly being caught offside on the rare occasions we progressed ten or so yards inside West Brom's half. Again you do have to wonder about both the striking instincts of the lad and his intelligence when journey men defenders can catch him out so easily by stepping out.
The fact is, Sears has now been on the pitch for a total of 832 minutes (not counting injury time) without scoring a goal. Do the maths and that is nine full games plus some. Now that in itself isn't a disaster as Cole shows, but what really concerns me is that apart from one effort away to Sunderland, when he should have done better, he hasn't even looked like scoring. Yes Cole can be profligate when through one on one with the keeper but at least he gets into the position in the first place. Why is it that Cole, a target man who drops deep to link the play, can engineer openings in almost every game, yet Sears, an out and out striker who offers very little outside of the final third, has never once burst clear of the opposition back line since that debut goal?
Hopefully it is just confidence. I watched him during the warm up last night and was struck by the utter lack of conviction when taking warm up shots. There was an awkwardness, an embarrassment, a fear of missing in front of the watching thousands - and that was when it didn't matter. The kid needs a goal but we can't keep waiting and hoping. I called last night as make or break for Sears and unfortunately he looked broken. Maybe, just maybe, playing on the break at Blackburn will suit him better. But he really is in the last chance saloon now - and with his baby face there isn't even the prospect of drowning his sorrows!
Where-as Collison and Tomkins have shown genuine, and in Collison's case remarkable, progress this season, Sears has gone backwards. The desperate amongst us are suggesting that Sears looked a better player alongside Ashton, but they were clearly not at the Macclesfield game when Sears huffed and puffed for sixty or so embarrassing minutes alongside Beano before Turds called time on his night and sent Cole on as a replacement. Immediately our attacking play had a new potency, just as with the arrival of Di Michele in the Cup game away to Boro. Now Macclesfield were bottom of the old Fourth Division at the time, winless, clueless and there for the taking. Sadly, poor Freddie looked out of his depth against even this most modest of opposition.
Last night there was a huge gap between Di Michele and Sears for most of the night. The Italian dropped deeper and deeper in search of possession and Sears hung the wrong side of the last defender, repeatedly being caught offside on the rare occasions we progressed ten or so yards inside West Brom's half. Again you do have to wonder about both the striking instincts of the lad and his intelligence when journey men defenders can catch him out so easily by stepping out.
The fact is, Sears has now been on the pitch for a total of 832 minutes (not counting injury time) without scoring a goal. Do the maths and that is nine full games plus some. Now that in itself isn't a disaster as Cole shows, but what really concerns me is that apart from one effort away to Sunderland, when he should have done better, he hasn't even looked like scoring. Yes Cole can be profligate when through one on one with the keeper but at least he gets into the position in the first place. Why is it that Cole, a target man who drops deep to link the play, can engineer openings in almost every game, yet Sears, an out and out striker who offers very little outside of the final third, has never once burst clear of the opposition back line since that debut goal?
Hopefully it is just confidence. I watched him during the warm up last night and was struck by the utter lack of conviction when taking warm up shots. There was an awkwardness, an embarrassment, a fear of missing in front of the watching thousands - and that was when it didn't matter. The kid needs a goal but we can't keep waiting and hoping. I called last night as make or break for Sears and unfortunately he looked broken. Maybe, just maybe, playing on the break at Blackburn will suit him better. But he really is in the last chance saloon now - and with his baby face there isn't even the prospect of drowning his sorrows!
West Ham United For Sale. Great Investment Opportunity!
According to some reports the figure to settle the Tevez affair is £10million, others put it at £15m, others still set the figure at £25m. All are in agreement that the settlement is to be spread over a number of years, with some claiming a complicated sliding scale based on how many pickled onions Noble's Nanna eats with her Boxing Day cold turkey and creamy mash. But at the end of the day, the figure we have agreed with Shafting United doesn't matter, what we should be focused on is that Gudmundsson is no longer in control of what happens: the future of our club is now in the hands of five merchant bankers!
Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all?
Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "
But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt?
How much would the club be worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co? I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants.
So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, do us all a favour and send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!
Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all?
Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "
But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt?
How much would the club be worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co? I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants.
So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, do us all a favour and send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!
A Can of Worms
Have we just opened the biggest can of worms in the history of football by agreeing an out of court settlement with Shafting United? Yes, their claim has been put to bed but, by admitting wrong doing and culpability, have we simply declared open season for the World and his wife to claim compensation at our expense?
Warnock has already gobbed off, but there's no surprise there. Apparently, single handedly, he built the mighty empire that was Sheffield United and, single handedly, Tevez razed it to the ground. Had it not been for Tevez, Warnock, it seems, would now be managing Real Madrid and England simultaneously instead of trying to squeeze Palace into the Fizzy Pop playoffs. The greatest self publicist since Brain Clough has been robbed of the mantle of Best Manager Since Old Big Head and must be due what, £30million in compensation?
But if Warnock is due a pay day, what about the players? How cruel was their fate to be relegated from the Premiership despite amassing a mighty 38 points over a whole season? These footballing gods battled their way to 10 victories over a 38 game season and scored a breathtaking 32 goals, almost one a game, a whole eight of which were netted away from home! Never has the Premiership seen their compare! How mighty were the fallen? How great and unjust was their wrong? Those poor wronged souls, condemned to a career outside the Premiership for clearly a transfer based on their Premiership pedigree was always out of the question! Surely a payment of £30million is the very least that each can expect in the circumstances.
But why stop at the players? What about the fans? Imagine the emotional trauma endured as a result of the club's utterly unmerited relegation. For two years now, Blades fans have been denied the opportunity to see their players kicking Premiership players up into the air. Surely every man, woman and child in the red and white stripes side of Sheffield deserves a minimum payment of, let's say, £100,000?
And why stop at the fans? What about all those dogs kicked by their angry owners in the days following the club's Premiership demise? Dogs have rights too and as West ham could soon find to their cost, every dog has his day! Ten grand and a packet of Winalot to every pooch must be a fair and equitable settlement surely.
And so it goes on. Don't Charlton have a claim? Who knows, had they stayed ahead of us in the table, they might have found the reserves to battle their way to safety. And Fulham and Wigan could have finished a place higher too. Blackburn would have pipped Bolton into Europe had they not lost to us but then again Bolton would have finished above Everton had they not been slain by Tevez at Upton Park but then again Everton would have finished above Tottenham had they not suffered the same cruel fate. And what about Arsenal? They would have finished above Liverpool had Tevez, cleverly disguised as Robert Green, not kept out fifteen million shots on our goal at the Emirates. And then there's all those managers, and all those players and all those fans and all those dogs. Just think, if it wasn't for Tevez, Mini Me Sammy Lee would still be the manager of Bolton Wanderers!
We have only seen the tip of the iceberg my friends. Before you know it, Gordon Brown will be blaming Tevez for the collapse of the world banking system. A final settlement in the Tevez affair? This may just be the beginning!
Warnock has already gobbed off, but there's no surprise there. Apparently, single handedly, he built the mighty empire that was Sheffield United and, single handedly, Tevez razed it to the ground. Had it not been for Tevez, Warnock, it seems, would now be managing Real Madrid and England simultaneously instead of trying to squeeze Palace into the Fizzy Pop playoffs. The greatest self publicist since Brain Clough has been robbed of the mantle of Best Manager Since Old Big Head and must be due what, £30million in compensation?
But if Warnock is due a pay day, what about the players? How cruel was their fate to be relegated from the Premiership despite amassing a mighty 38 points over a whole season? These footballing gods battled their way to 10 victories over a 38 game season and scored a breathtaking 32 goals, almost one a game, a whole eight of which were netted away from home! Never has the Premiership seen their compare! How mighty were the fallen? How great and unjust was their wrong? Those poor wronged souls, condemned to a career outside the Premiership for clearly a transfer based on their Premiership pedigree was always out of the question! Surely a payment of £30million is the very least that each can expect in the circumstances.
But why stop at the players? What about the fans? Imagine the emotional trauma endured as a result of the club's utterly unmerited relegation. For two years now, Blades fans have been denied the opportunity to see their players kicking Premiership players up into the air. Surely every man, woman and child in the red and white stripes side of Sheffield deserves a minimum payment of, let's say, £100,000?
And why stop at the fans? What about all those dogs kicked by their angry owners in the days following the club's Premiership demise? Dogs have rights too and as West ham could soon find to their cost, every dog has his day! Ten grand and a packet of Winalot to every pooch must be a fair and equitable settlement surely.
And so it goes on. Don't Charlton have a claim? Who knows, had they stayed ahead of us in the table, they might have found the reserves to battle their way to safety. And Fulham and Wigan could have finished a place higher too. Blackburn would have pipped Bolton into Europe had they not lost to us but then again Bolton would have finished above Everton had they not been slain by Tevez at Upton Park but then again Everton would have finished above Tottenham had they not suffered the same cruel fate. And what about Arsenal? They would have finished above Liverpool had Tevez, cleverly disguised as Robert Green, not kept out fifteen million shots on our goal at the Emirates. And then there's all those managers, and all those players and all those fans and all those dogs. Just think, if it wasn't for Tevez, Mini Me Sammy Lee would still be the manager of Bolton Wanderers!
We have only seen the tip of the iceberg my friends. Before you know it, Gordon Brown will be blaming Tevez for the collapse of the world banking system. A final settlement in the Tevez affair? This may just be the beginning!
Monday, 16 March 2009
Was that the worst game ever?
OK, there have been some bad ones. Italy v Spain stands out in recent history but that was because Italy were intent on suffocating a better team. Germany v Austria is a prime candidate but that was because neither side had anything to play for - a draw was perfect for both sides. Tonight there was so much at stake: for West Brom the tantalizing prospect of three crucial, Great Escape points; for West Ham, a gimme game against the bottom team in the Prem with the second worst "goals for" column (despite netting three against ourselves) and the worst defensive record in the division. Europe beckoned! One point was useless to both sides so how on earth did we end up with a game where neither side wanted to commit players into the opposition box? Perverse, tedious, inept, degrading, abysmal, embarrassing - choose your adjective. I apologise in advance but "shit" will do for me.
Not that I am surprised. I posted before the game that I couldn't see how we would score (see Wet Behind the Sears) but I did expect us to at least try. I said that Sears and Di Michele as a pairing were to striking partnerships what Todd and Colleen would be to Olympic ice skating, but I really didn't expect us to be quite so flaccid, despite having witnessed first hand Sears' impotence against both Watford and the "mighty Macclesfield". What I do not understand is how Zola ever thought it could work. Against Macclesfield, Sears was up top alongside Ashton but still looked hopelessly out of his depth; against Watford he was paired with Di Michele and a wet paper bag would not have felt threatened. Surely Tristan isn't so bad that Sears and Di Michele are genuinely regarded as the better option? How bad must the Spaniard be that even after 80 limp minutes, Zola still didn't turn to him in complete and absolute desperation? Instead he sent on one goal in three seasons Luis Rigor-Mortis!
But it is, of course, unfair to blame Sears and Di Michele alone for this utterly inept showing. Again questions have to be asked about Zola's tactical nounce. No Collison, no Cole, no Ashton - so goal scoring was always going to be a problem. So what does Zola do? He picks Parker and Kovac in centre midfield and pushes Noble wide right, and, in so doing, guarantees a lop sided performance. When did we ever get forward on the right hand side? Once, and Noble then set up Sears for our best chance of the game. But for the rest of the night, Noble wandered inside and you could have thrown Posh Spice's thong over him, Parker and Kovac for 95% of the game. Then when Stanislas was belatedly brought on, what happened? He was played wide left, even after Rigor Mortis, a naturally left footed player, came onto the field. What was that about exactly? Stanislas comes on for his Premiership debut and is played on the wrong flank. How exactly does that help the kid? Meanwhile, the West Brom left back who had been given nothing to do all night was allowed to set up a deck chair and have a kip for the last ten minutes of the game! Absurd. Truly absurd.
So much was wrong tonight. West Brom had done their homework and like Villa and Boro pressed us very high up the pitch. Kovac and Parker dropped deeper and deeper as a result and getting the ball beyond the half way line became a problem. Amazingly, Parker ended up with the best pass completion rate in the game but was truly awful regardless. Time and again he gave away possession or stalled the pass and move game by dwelling on the ball. But then again, what hope did he have of finding an out-ball with Sears and Di Michele up top?
Did Kovac play a forward pass all night? I bet he didn't. Around about the 70th minute, Kovac picked the ball up ten yards inside our half and what happened? Parker dropped back and took the ball off him! Why? Why in Brooking's name wasn't Parker breaking forward?
And tell me, what was Zola thinking of with his substitutions? No complaints about Savio coming off, he was hopeless all night, nor with Stanislas coming on, but why was Noble sacrificed with the score 0-0? Surely Kovac should have gone with Stanislas played on the right, Rigor Mortis pushed wide left and Noble played at the front of a diamond? At least players would then have been playing in their right positions!
Were there any positives tonight? Tomkins did ok and the man of the match in my opinion was Lucash Neill. But before we get carried away by these two, let's keep in mind that we were playing West Brom. Donkey Hilton and Gary Strodder would probably have coped against this mob!
Tonight our seventh place was put into perspective. West Brom let us off the hook, not vice versa. Cole has his critics but how poor do we look without him? This squad is as deep as a summer puddle. Money has to be spent but what money will be available after Shafted United have been appeased?
I am going to bed depressed tonight!
Ratings: Green 6, Neill 8, Tomkins 7, Upson 6, Ilunga 6, Noble 5, Kovac 5, Parker 6, Savio 4, Sears 4, Di Michele 4 Subs: Spectator 4, Stanislas 4, Rigor Mortis 5
Not that I am surprised. I posted before the game that I couldn't see how we would score (see Wet Behind the Sears) but I did expect us to at least try. I said that Sears and Di Michele as a pairing were to striking partnerships what Todd and Colleen would be to Olympic ice skating, but I really didn't expect us to be quite so flaccid, despite having witnessed first hand Sears' impotence against both Watford and the "mighty Macclesfield". What I do not understand is how Zola ever thought it could work. Against Macclesfield, Sears was up top alongside Ashton but still looked hopelessly out of his depth; against Watford he was paired with Di Michele and a wet paper bag would not have felt threatened. Surely Tristan isn't so bad that Sears and Di Michele are genuinely regarded as the better option? How bad must the Spaniard be that even after 80 limp minutes, Zola still didn't turn to him in complete and absolute desperation? Instead he sent on one goal in three seasons Luis Rigor-Mortis!
But it is, of course, unfair to blame Sears and Di Michele alone for this utterly inept showing. Again questions have to be asked about Zola's tactical nounce. No Collison, no Cole, no Ashton - so goal scoring was always going to be a problem. So what does Zola do? He picks Parker and Kovac in centre midfield and pushes Noble wide right, and, in so doing, guarantees a lop sided performance. When did we ever get forward on the right hand side? Once, and Noble then set up Sears for our best chance of the game. But for the rest of the night, Noble wandered inside and you could have thrown Posh Spice's thong over him, Parker and Kovac for 95% of the game. Then when Stanislas was belatedly brought on, what happened? He was played wide left, even after Rigor Mortis, a naturally left footed player, came onto the field. What was that about exactly? Stanislas comes on for his Premiership debut and is played on the wrong flank. How exactly does that help the kid? Meanwhile, the West Brom left back who had been given nothing to do all night was allowed to set up a deck chair and have a kip for the last ten minutes of the game! Absurd. Truly absurd.
So much was wrong tonight. West Brom had done their homework and like Villa and Boro pressed us very high up the pitch. Kovac and Parker dropped deeper and deeper as a result and getting the ball beyond the half way line became a problem. Amazingly, Parker ended up with the best pass completion rate in the game but was truly awful regardless. Time and again he gave away possession or stalled the pass and move game by dwelling on the ball. But then again, what hope did he have of finding an out-ball with Sears and Di Michele up top?
Did Kovac play a forward pass all night? I bet he didn't. Around about the 70th minute, Kovac picked the ball up ten yards inside our half and what happened? Parker dropped back and took the ball off him! Why? Why in Brooking's name wasn't Parker breaking forward?
And tell me, what was Zola thinking of with his substitutions? No complaints about Savio coming off, he was hopeless all night, nor with Stanislas coming on, but why was Noble sacrificed with the score 0-0? Surely Kovac should have gone with Stanislas played on the right, Rigor Mortis pushed wide left and Noble played at the front of a diamond? At least players would then have been playing in their right positions!
Were there any positives tonight? Tomkins did ok and the man of the match in my opinion was Lucash Neill. But before we get carried away by these two, let's keep in mind that we were playing West Brom. Donkey Hilton and Gary Strodder would probably have coped against this mob!
Tonight our seventh place was put into perspective. West Brom let us off the hook, not vice versa. Cole has his critics but how poor do we look without him? This squad is as deep as a summer puddle. Money has to be spent but what money will be available after Shafted United have been appeased?
I am going to bed depressed tonight!
Ratings: Green 6, Neill 8, Tomkins 7, Upson 6, Ilunga 6, Noble 5, Kovac 5, Parker 6, Savio 4, Sears 4, Di Michele 4 Subs: Spectator 4, Stanislas 4, Rigor Mortis 5
Wet Behind the Sears?
Speculation is rife that Stewey may moonlight from Family Guy and don the Claret and Blue in tonight's Go West double header at Upton Park. Let's face it, he couldn't be any smaller nor less talented than the supposedly precocious baby face assassin Sears has appeared so far this season.
Remember that glorious goal scoring debut and all the hullabaloo that followed because we had found the "new Tony Cottee"? Well six starts and ten appearances as substitute this season, none of which have yielded a goal, suggest that Freddie Not Such a Star Sears may be to the Premiership what Cottee was to the England team - a damp squib.
What concerns me most are his headless chicken runs into the six yard box. Time and again, when partnered with Period Pains (Bellyache to the uninitiated), Sears raced into the six yard box as the Welsh Whiner burst down the left flank, when a more intelligent striker would have checked his run and made a pull back pass available. The first time he did it, we could put it down to youthful impetuosity, the second time to teenage angst, the third time to schoolboy enthusiasm, but the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth times? Sadly I fear that Freddie Sears may have the same number of GCSEs as Freddie Flintstone.
Against Miserableboro, Sears looked completely out of his depth. To say that taking the ball off him was as easy as taking sweets off a baby would be unfair on nappy fillers, because the baby will, at least, throw a tantrum and chuck its toys out of the pram. Poor Freddie just went a brighter shade of acne, embarrassment turning to shame turning to humiliation as the night wore on. The arrival of Di Michele as a substitute would have done nothing to boost the kid's confidence because suddenly there was a new dimension to our attacking play. For the first time, we actually looked as if we might score.
If he is selected, tonight could be make or break time for Freddie. To be fair to him, he has been poorly served by Zola recently. Why throw in a kid against Wheater and Huth at Boro? Why leave him up on his own away to the Monkey Hangers? Why throw him on with fifteen minutes to go when in desperate need of an equaliser, but without anybody in midfield to provide him with the pass for a goal scoring opportunity?
I had the misfortune to witness the Di Michele-Sears combination away to Watford and they looked as co-ordinated together as Todd and Colleen would as a pair in Dancing On Ice. They were never on the same wavelength and, at times, it was painful to watch. I am no fan of Tristan but, given the choice, I would prefer him up front alongside Di Michele because at least we would have some sort of physical presence. Without Collison and Cole, I genuinely wonder where the goals will come from.
That's not to say I have given up on Sears mind you. It would be great to see him start and grab an early goal. Maybe then we would see a nascent Cottee . However, a quick check of the record books shows that Cottee bagged five goals in his first season - in just nine appearances, five of which were as a substitute. If he is more TC than Benny, Freddie is overdue a goal. If one is too long in coming the conclusion must be that he is more Ade Coker than Tony Cottee, a loud bang on entry followed by a rather sad whimper.
Remember that glorious goal scoring debut and all the hullabaloo that followed because we had found the "new Tony Cottee"? Well six starts and ten appearances as substitute this season, none of which have yielded a goal, suggest that Freddie Not Such a Star Sears may be to the Premiership what Cottee was to the England team - a damp squib.
What concerns me most are his headless chicken runs into the six yard box. Time and again, when partnered with Period Pains (Bellyache to the uninitiated), Sears raced into the six yard box as the Welsh Whiner burst down the left flank, when a more intelligent striker would have checked his run and made a pull back pass available. The first time he did it, we could put it down to youthful impetuosity, the second time to teenage angst, the third time to schoolboy enthusiasm, but the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth times? Sadly I fear that Freddie Sears may have the same number of GCSEs as Freddie Flintstone.
Against Miserableboro, Sears looked completely out of his depth. To say that taking the ball off him was as easy as taking sweets off a baby would be unfair on nappy fillers, because the baby will, at least, throw a tantrum and chuck its toys out of the pram. Poor Freddie just went a brighter shade of acne, embarrassment turning to shame turning to humiliation as the night wore on. The arrival of Di Michele as a substitute would have done nothing to boost the kid's confidence because suddenly there was a new dimension to our attacking play. For the first time, we actually looked as if we might score.
If he is selected, tonight could be make or break time for Freddie. To be fair to him, he has been poorly served by Zola recently. Why throw in a kid against Wheater and Huth at Boro? Why leave him up on his own away to the Monkey Hangers? Why throw him on with fifteen minutes to go when in desperate need of an equaliser, but without anybody in midfield to provide him with the pass for a goal scoring opportunity?
I had the misfortune to witness the Di Michele-Sears combination away to Watford and they looked as co-ordinated together as Todd and Colleen would as a pair in Dancing On Ice. They were never on the same wavelength and, at times, it was painful to watch. I am no fan of Tristan but, given the choice, I would prefer him up front alongside Di Michele because at least we would have some sort of physical presence. Without Collison and Cole, I genuinely wonder where the goals will come from.
That's not to say I have given up on Sears mind you. It would be great to see him start and grab an early goal. Maybe then we would see a nascent Cottee . However, a quick check of the record books shows that Cottee bagged five goals in his first season - in just nine appearances, five of which were as a substitute. If he is more TC than Benny, Freddie is overdue a goal. If one is too long in coming the conclusion must be that he is more Ade Coker than Tony Cottee, a loud bang on entry followed by a rather sad whimper.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
West Ham For Sale - Brilliant Investment Potential!
According to some reports the figure to settle the Tevez affair is £10million, others put it at £15m, others still set the figure at £25m. All are in agreement that the settlement is to be spread over a number of years, with some claiming a complicated sliding scale based on how many pickled onions Noble's Nanna eats with her Boxing Day cold turkey and creamy mash. But at the end of the day, the figure we have agreed with Shafting United doesn't matter, what we should be focused on is that Gudmundsson is no longer in control of what happens: the future of our club is now in the hands of five merchant bankers!
Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all? Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "
But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt? How much is the club worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co?
I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants. So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, please send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!
Now in cockney rhyming slang, merchant bankers have been running our club for as long as we can remember. I mean, how can any club side win the World Cup yet struggle to hold their own in the old First Division? What well run club would sell Martin Peters to the local enemy and take Bobby Moore's drunken pal in part exchange? What Board of sentient beings would part with Allen, Cottee, Ferdinand, Lampard, Carrick, Cole, Johnson, Uncle Tom Cobblers et all? Who, other than a complete merchant banker, would have signed Tevez and then tried to pretend that there was nothing dodgy about the deal? Two world superstars join West Ham United for free! Please! Minder has only just returned to our TV screens but down Green Street, Arthur Daley's Dodgy Deals had taken on an international flavour some three years back! "No really Mr Chisholm everything is kosher, the boys just wanted a team to play for so we gave them their chance. Knocked off? Mr Chisholm, please, how could you suggest such a thing? Look, pull down their shorts and they've got 'Property of West Ham United tatooed on their arses!' "
But that is all in the past and incompetent as they may have been, the old decision makers were only metaphorical or rhyming slang bankers. The worry now is that the future is genuinely in the hands not of merchant bankers by name, but merchant bankers by motivation. Gudmundsson has debts and it is the duty of five faceless debt collectors to recover as much of that debt as they possibly can. Now tell me, will they be interested in the motives of any of the would be buyers? What if there is a Venture Capitalist out there somewhere whose bollocks have not been shrivelled up in a jacuzzi of toxic debt? How much is the club worth if the assets were liquidised? How many flats could you build on the corner of Green Street and the Barking Road? How much could be raised from the sale of Cole, Green, Upson, Parker, Collison, Behrami, Ashton and co?
I'm not sure how the figures stack up against a £100million asking price but one thing is for sure, guaranteeing football of any kind, never mind Premiership football, will not be at the top of the priority list of the money recovery merchants. So if anybody spots a helicopter flying over the Boleyn Ground in coming weeks, please send up a ground to air missile if it carries the Barratt livery!
Friday, 13 March 2009
Who wants to be a Ten Millionaire?
£10 Million to the Blunted Blades in settlement of their dodgy claim over the Tevez affair? Is that a cough I hear in the audience? I am certainly choking at the idea of Black McCabbie and his Board of Bandits pocketing ten million Claret and Blue readies in compensation for having a crap team and surrendering in the "loser takes nothing" showdown with Wigan Pathetic two years back. Tevez relegated Sheffield United did he? Wasn't he in the team that laid down and died at Bramall Lane and didn't he play a part in stuffing Wigan on their own dunghill a couple of weeks later? Based on those two games, Tevez and his rude mechanicals did their level best to keep the Stained and Steel-less in the division, so it's hardly our fault that Warlock's Whingers still managed to blow it!
But, to be fair to them, Shafted United were indeed unfairly pushed through the relegation trap door by the misdeeds of one man, the true villain of the piece who single-handedly secured the then hopeless Hammers three points unfairly. But that man wasn't called Carlito Tevez. In fact Tevez did his level best to intervene and prevent this terrible miscarriage of justice. The Red Stripes' actual assassin was not Scarface Tevez but a certain Howard Webb who, after already awarding a soft penalty, allowed Zamora's goal against Blackburn, despite Bowyer handling in the build up and an offside Tevez sportingly preventing the ball from crossing the line.
Now Lord Justice Nonothing can say that Tevez kept us up as much as he likes but the fact is, that victory over Blackburn halted the most disastrous run in my living memory and served as the springboard for our Great Escape. Until that goal was given, we were dead and buried and all Tevez's goals would have come to nothing had we failed to win that game; and that my learned friend is beyond all argument! So come on Webby, dig deep son and share your ill gotten gains with the poor Northern beggars. Carlito is innocent! It was Webby what done it!
But, to be fair to them, Shafted United were indeed unfairly pushed through the relegation trap door by the misdeeds of one man, the true villain of the piece who single-handedly secured the then hopeless Hammers three points unfairly. But that man wasn't called Carlito Tevez. In fact Tevez did his level best to intervene and prevent this terrible miscarriage of justice. The Red Stripes' actual assassin was not Scarface Tevez but a certain Howard Webb who, after already awarding a soft penalty, allowed Zamora's goal against Blackburn, despite Bowyer handling in the build up and an offside Tevez sportingly preventing the ball from crossing the line.
Now Lord Justice Nonothing can say that Tevez kept us up as much as he likes but the fact is, that victory over Blackburn halted the most disastrous run in my living memory and served as the springboard for our Great Escape. Until that goal was given, we were dead and buried and all Tevez's goals would have come to nothing had we failed to win that game; and that my learned friend is beyond all argument! So come on Webby, dig deep son and share your ill gotten gains with the poor Northern beggars. Carlito is innocent! It was Webby what done it!
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
The Dog Fight at the Bottom
With Blackburn winning tonight, the importance of back to back victories against City and Wigan has come sharply into focus. Just imagine for a moment if Ribena had put away that first half chance and we had slipped to another 1-0 home defeat. Confidence would have been low going into the Wigan game and another defeat would have been probable. Take off those six points and we would be sitting on a very vulnerable 33 points, just 5 ahead of Pompey who are third from bottom with a game in hand. On such margins does a season turn. Zola's stock is soaring at the moment; but he would have been as popular as an ex RBS Chairman had we found ourselves sitting just a point ahead of Tottenham and out of the Cup into the bargain!
The question is, how many points will it take to stay up? Well with Pompey third from bottom with a point more than games played, it is beginning to look as if a minimum of 40 will be required to survive. The nightmare of relegation despite accumulating 42 points is still too fresh in my memory for me to relax entirely. Yes, I can hear the half glass empty jibes and know that relegation from this position should be beyond even West Ham, but I will remain anxious until we have hit 43 points. Zola can aim for Europe; I still have half an eye on that drop zone!
Who will go down? West Brom will drop, even if they complete the double over us at Upton Park on Monday, but the other two is still anybody's guess. Boro should go but the corpse kicked back against ourselves and Liverpool in their last two home games so they can't be written off yet. Pompey have removed the millstone of Adams from their neck and have a reasonable squad of players: James, Campbell, Johnson and Crouch surely should not be in a relegated side - but then again, two of those went down with us! Newscastle remain an intriguing possibility. Going forward they look far too good to drop but they do have a self destruct button at the back which could see them throw away vital points. We went down with Di Canio, Kanoute and Cole because we couldn't defend so why shouldn't Newscastle with Owen, Martins and Duff?
Blackburn? It was a huge result at Fulham and I fancy Allardyce to work his magic. They will punch their way to safety aka Bolton. Hull looked dead until they won at Fulham and I still fancy them to go. The team is ordinary at best and the management team don't look so great all of a sudden. One very bad piece of transfer business and suddenly Phil Brown looks human and it was always going to need somebody superhuman to keep this Hull team up. Stoke should also go but they don't seem to understand that. The script for the season, which had all three promoted teams relegated, seems to have got lost in the post and this team of brick shithouses may yet secure a place in next season's Prem; unless Ethers has backed them to stay up of course!
Bolton surely won't go - their home form should see them to safety. Tottenham definitely won't be in the Fizzy Pop next season, they possess far too much ability. Fulham, however, might now be looking anxiously over the shoulder. Home defeats against Hull and Blackburn is not what you need at this stage of the season. Confidence will be low and if Johnson picks up an injury, they may struggle to claim all three points against any opposition.
When all is said and done, I fancy WBA, Boro and Hull to drop; but the sooner we reach 43 points, the better! I keep having this nightmare about an end of season shoot out with Boro, winner takes all!
The question is, how many points will it take to stay up? Well with Pompey third from bottom with a point more than games played, it is beginning to look as if a minimum of 40 will be required to survive. The nightmare of relegation despite accumulating 42 points is still too fresh in my memory for me to relax entirely. Yes, I can hear the half glass empty jibes and know that relegation from this position should be beyond even West Ham, but I will remain anxious until we have hit 43 points. Zola can aim for Europe; I still have half an eye on that drop zone!
Who will go down? West Brom will drop, even if they complete the double over us at Upton Park on Monday, but the other two is still anybody's guess. Boro should go but the corpse kicked back against ourselves and Liverpool in their last two home games so they can't be written off yet. Pompey have removed the millstone of Adams from their neck and have a reasonable squad of players: James, Campbell, Johnson and Crouch surely should not be in a relegated side - but then again, two of those went down with us! Newscastle remain an intriguing possibility. Going forward they look far too good to drop but they do have a self destruct button at the back which could see them throw away vital points. We went down with Di Canio, Kanoute and Cole because we couldn't defend so why shouldn't Newscastle with Owen, Martins and Duff?
Blackburn? It was a huge result at Fulham and I fancy Allardyce to work his magic. They will punch their way to safety aka Bolton. Hull looked dead until they won at Fulham and I still fancy them to go. The team is ordinary at best and the management team don't look so great all of a sudden. One very bad piece of transfer business and suddenly Phil Brown looks human and it was always going to need somebody superhuman to keep this Hull team up. Stoke should also go but they don't seem to understand that. The script for the season, which had all three promoted teams relegated, seems to have got lost in the post and this team of brick shithouses may yet secure a place in next season's Prem; unless Ethers has backed them to stay up of course!
Bolton surely won't go - their home form should see them to safety. Tottenham definitely won't be in the Fizzy Pop next season, they possess far too much ability. Fulham, however, might now be looking anxiously over the shoulder. Home defeats against Hull and Blackburn is not what you need at this stage of the season. Confidence will be low and if Johnson picks up an injury, they may struggle to claim all three points against any opposition.
When all is said and done, I fancy WBA, Boro and Hull to drop; but the sooner we reach 43 points, the better! I keep having this nightmare about an end of season shoot out with Boro, winner takes all!
Sunday, 8 March 2009
How good was this prediction?
From June 23, 2008. You heard it here first!
"Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?
Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.
To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!
Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!
One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.
Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!"
Never mind the dismissal of Scolari, the linking of him and Hiddink in the same paragraph is bordering on the spooky.
"Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?
Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.
To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!
Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!
One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.
Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!"
Never mind the dismissal of Scolari, the linking of him and Hiddink in the same paragraph is bordering on the spooky.
Three months from twelve
A translation of the final ruling in Iceland:
"Two hundred and fifty million ducats; 'tis a good round sum. Three months from twelve; then, let me see; the rate--Two hundred and fifty million ducats for three months and Björgólfur Guðmundsson bound. My meaning in saying he is a good man is to have you understand me that he is sufficient. Yet his means are in supposition: he hath a bank in Iceland, another in the Indies; I understand moreover, upon the Rialto, he hath a third in Mexico, a fourth in England, and other ventures he hath, squandered abroad. But banks are but Boards, Boards but men: there be land-rats and water-rats, water-thieves and land-thieves, I mean pirates, and then there is the peril of toxic debt, mortgages and foreclosure. The man is, notwithstanding, sufficient. Two hundred and fifty million ducats; I think I may take his bond."
But God help us if Shylock actually claims his pound of flesh!
"Two hundred and fifty million ducats; 'tis a good round sum. Three months from twelve; then, let me see; the rate--Two hundred and fifty million ducats for three months and Björgólfur Guðmundsson bound. My meaning in saying he is a good man is to have you understand me that he is sufficient. Yet his means are in supposition: he hath a bank in Iceland, another in the Indies; I understand moreover, upon the Rialto, he hath a third in Mexico, a fourth in England, and other ventures he hath, squandered abroad. But banks are but Boards, Boards but men: there be land-rats and water-rats, water-thieves and land-thieves, I mean pirates, and then there is the peril of toxic debt, mortgages and foreclosure. The man is, notwithstanding, sufficient. Two hundred and fifty million ducats; I think I may take his bond."
But God help us if Shylock actually claims his pound of flesh!
Saturday, 7 March 2009
No News Is Good News?
Well the End may have been nigh but it would appear that we can, for the time being at least, give a sigh of relief. The court case has come, the court case has gone and we are still here. Well as far as we know we are still here anyway. The silence from the land of glaciers is deafening.
Of course it would have helped if we had had a game this weekend. Some evidence of activity from the patient would be good. The club is still breathing presumably, there is still a pulse I trust, the government hasn't taken a 55% stake in the club hopefully!
No sign of a Pickfords van outside the ground I presume?
Of course it would have helped if we had had a game this weekend. Some evidence of activity from the patient would be good. The club is still breathing presumably, there is still a pulse I trust, the government hasn't taken a 55% stake in the club hopefully!
No sign of a Pickfords van outside the ground I presume?
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Wigan 0 West Ham 1; Reason 0 Attwell 5
If ever a referee did his best to destroy a game of football then it must surely be Attwell last night. This is the clown who gave the "goal that never was" when Watford played Reading; and for his follow up party piece, he showed a red for "a foul that never was" at the JJB last night. Poor Carlton Goals, he was dumbfounded that the referee had blown up for a free kick in the first place and before he knew what was going on, he was looking at red. And for what exactly? From what I could see, for keeping his eye on the ball and then getting his foot on the end of it. That foot which made contact with the ball did not connect with a Wigan player and no actual foul was committed. Yes I can accept the argument for a free kick for a high foot, but a red card? Dear God, on that basis Crouch should have been sent off for those overhead bicycle kick goals! I bet this guy is only a referee in his twenties because when he was a kid, nobody would pick him to play in the teams at lunchtime. He was the one left at the end of the selection process, fat and spotty, waiting for oft repeated words, "You're left with Attwell then. We have kick off". From what I have seen. he doesn't understand the first thing about football because he's never actually played the game. On the evidence of the Watford debacle, he doesn't even know that the round shaped thing has to go into one of the funny fishing nets for a goal to be awarded!
And what a shame because until Attwell's risible intervention, this was shaping up to be a cracker! What a goal! Yes you will see goals thumped in from long distance but this, for me, was the goal of the season. Six one touch pinged passes, Cole pulling off the shoulder of the last defender and curling in a beaut of a finish. Carlton has his critics, and sometimes he does look lumbering, like when through one on one with Kirkland, but some of his goals this season have been sublime - against Newcastle and Stoke in particular. This swivel and strike style of finish suits him perfectly, he gets a lovely bend on the shot as it curls into the net. In fact, the finish tonight was Zolaesque and there aren't many bigger compliments than that! How absurd that his glory was tarnished by Attwell's bid for the spotlight.
And it's not as if that was all the clown with the cards got wrong. Luckless SHOULD have gone. His foul on Cattermole was a would be leg breaker and, of course, set up the Wigan player's retaliation on Parker which rightfully led to his red. As soon as Neill did him, you knew there would be a reprisal, and Parker played his part to perfection, going down as if hit by a dumdum bullet and rolling in agony for maximum effect. Ten out of ten Scotty for sealing the decision!
Beyond that, there's not a lot to report. Defensively we were superb, the banks of four marshaling Wigan into blind alleys all evening. Tomkins got under a couple of crosses but, apart from that, was superb; Neill gave away possession in the centre circle and two unnecessary free kicks outside our box in the first fifteen minutes but was otherwise disciplined - except when apparently trying to break Cattermole's leg (Brown should have been the target Luckless!); Upson was his usual unfussy self; Ilunga was back to his best; Noble ran his heart out and twice nearly pinched a goal; Kovac has a problem when players run at him but was otherwise impressive, picking up bits and pieces in front of the back four and releasing short simple passes; Collison played one brilliant pass to Cole and was involved in so much neat, high speed interpassing; and Di Michele ran himself into the ground for the team. One player, Cole apart, has not been mentioned. Parker tonight was a giant. I have no time for Turds but the signing of both Parker and Upson were absolute masterstrokes. Tonight Parker tackled, covered, passed, drove forward, shot on target and signed the contract on Cattermole's dismissal. It truly was a midfield masterclass and we were so good in that crucial midfield area that Behrami was not missed at all!
Sadly, however, the night will be remembered for two cruel blows - the dismissal of Cole and the carbon copy of the Behrami injury suffered by Collison. I joked when Curbishley was in charge that he had refused to buy a sprig of lucky heather off a gypsy outside Upton Park and brought down a curse upon our club. Well Turds came out this week and bleated that Zola had been lucky with injuries. I bet the sad eyed bastard has been back to that gypsy, bought up the whole of her heath and asked her to extend the curse to Zola!
And what a shame because until Attwell's risible intervention, this was shaping up to be a cracker! What a goal! Yes you will see goals thumped in from long distance but this, for me, was the goal of the season. Six one touch pinged passes, Cole pulling off the shoulder of the last defender and curling in a beaut of a finish. Carlton has his critics, and sometimes he does look lumbering, like when through one on one with Kirkland, but some of his goals this season have been sublime - against Newcastle and Stoke in particular. This swivel and strike style of finish suits him perfectly, he gets a lovely bend on the shot as it curls into the net. In fact, the finish tonight was Zolaesque and there aren't many bigger compliments than that! How absurd that his glory was tarnished by Attwell's bid for the spotlight.
And it's not as if that was all the clown with the cards got wrong. Luckless SHOULD have gone. His foul on Cattermole was a would be leg breaker and, of course, set up the Wigan player's retaliation on Parker which rightfully led to his red. As soon as Neill did him, you knew there would be a reprisal, and Parker played his part to perfection, going down as if hit by a dumdum bullet and rolling in agony for maximum effect. Ten out of ten Scotty for sealing the decision!
Beyond that, there's not a lot to report. Defensively we were superb, the banks of four marshaling Wigan into blind alleys all evening. Tomkins got under a couple of crosses but, apart from that, was superb; Neill gave away possession in the centre circle and two unnecessary free kicks outside our box in the first fifteen minutes but was otherwise disciplined - except when apparently trying to break Cattermole's leg (Brown should have been the target Luckless!); Upson was his usual unfussy self; Ilunga was back to his best; Noble ran his heart out and twice nearly pinched a goal; Kovac has a problem when players run at him but was otherwise impressive, picking up bits and pieces in front of the back four and releasing short simple passes; Collison played one brilliant pass to Cole and was involved in so much neat, high speed interpassing; and Di Michele ran himself into the ground for the team. One player, Cole apart, has not been mentioned. Parker tonight was a giant. I have no time for Turds but the signing of both Parker and Upson were absolute masterstrokes. Tonight Parker tackled, covered, passed, drove forward, shot on target and signed the contract on Cattermole's dismissal. It truly was a midfield masterclass and we were so good in that crucial midfield area that Behrami was not missed at all!
Sadly, however, the night will be remembered for two cruel blows - the dismissal of Cole and the carbon copy of the Behrami injury suffered by Collison. I joked when Curbishley was in charge that he had refused to buy a sprig of lucky heather off a gypsy outside Upton Park and brought down a curse upon our club. Well Turds came out this week and bleated that Zola had been lucky with injuries. I bet the sad eyed bastard has been back to that gypsy, bought up the whole of her heath and asked her to extend the curse to Zola!
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Near Miss!
From Yahoo: "An asteroid of a similar size to a rock that exploded above Siberia in 1908 with the force of a thousand atomic bombs whizzed close past Earth on Monday, astronomers said on Tuesday. The gap was just 72,000 kilometers (44,750 miles), or a fifth of the distance between Earth and the Moon and only twice the height of satellites in geosynchronous orbit, the website space.com said. The estimated size is similar to that of an asteroid or comet that exploded above Tunguska, Siberia, on June 30 1908, flattening 80 million trees in a swathe of more than 2,000 square kilometres (800 square miles). The asteroid was spotted last Saturday by astronomers at the Siding Spring Survey in Australia, and was verified by the International Astronomical Union's Minor Planet Centre (MPC), which catalogues Solar System rocks. In view of its size and catostrophic potential, the boffins have decided to name the asteroid Faubert's Arse."
Monday, 2 March 2009
Westhamfans.org
You know, there is so much I love about West Ham but so much I detest too. Perhaps it is true of all clubs, having supported the one side all my life I have no way of knowing, but our fan base has a particularly unsavory element. Look in on Westhamfans.org and take in some of the hideous views on display in what purports to be a football forum.
I am banned for daring to have an opinion of my own but, in a way, I see that as a badge of honour. The barely concealed racism is revolting and the aggressive bigotry detestable. Mind you, the mock camaraderie and appalling mockney really takes the biscuit. "Alright bruv, don't you just hate the Erics, Yids" and all that sad sad sad guff, it turns the stomach. If you look in here, look in there too. Some of the posters are quality. El Martillo and Old Skool are great guys and the Aussie connection show that brute racism cannot penetrate the invisible wall of the Equator, but the triumvirate who boss the site must be up there amongst the most obnoxious individuals I have ever had the misfortune to cross swords with in any walk of life. The recent glorification of the animals who ran the ICF show what two of these guys are beneath their "jovial" exterior.
So, if you fancy a bit of voyeurism, like the old family outing to Bedlam, look in on the site and see how Neanderthal man still communicates on the net. If you don't take it to heart and don't let it colour your picture of our nation, it really can be rather amusing! In fact why not log in using a name which plays upon Fanno. I have departed but my ghost lives on. Just check out how many times WHTID, davefking and IronsGermany refer to the hated antiOrg. They can't live with me but the agony of my absence is like a festering tumor in their collective guts. Who knows guys, I may return one day so keep looking. The Fanno might be back if he feels you miss him too much!
I am banned for daring to have an opinion of my own but, in a way, I see that as a badge of honour. The barely concealed racism is revolting and the aggressive bigotry detestable. Mind you, the mock camaraderie and appalling mockney really takes the biscuit. "Alright bruv, don't you just hate the Erics, Yids" and all that sad sad sad guff, it turns the stomach. If you look in here, look in there too. Some of the posters are quality. El Martillo and Old Skool are great guys and the Aussie connection show that brute racism cannot penetrate the invisible wall of the Equator, but the triumvirate who boss the site must be up there amongst the most obnoxious individuals I have ever had the misfortune to cross swords with in any walk of life. The recent glorification of the animals who ran the ICF show what two of these guys are beneath their "jovial" exterior.
So, if you fancy a bit of voyeurism, like the old family outing to Bedlam, look in on the site and see how Neanderthal man still communicates on the net. If you don't take it to heart and don't let it colour your picture of our nation, it really can be rather amusing! In fact why not log in using a name which plays upon Fanno. I have departed but my ghost lives on. Just check out how many times WHTID, davefking and IronsGermany refer to the hated antiOrg. They can't live with me but the agony of my absence is like a festering tumor in their collective guts. Who knows guys, I may return one day so keep looking. The Fanno might be back if he feels you miss him too much!
Kovac
I saw flashes on Sunday that suggested this guy can play with Parker. He isn't quite up to Prem speed yet but he has a physical presence that I think could intimidate opponents and release the other midfielders, Parker included, to break forward more. I counted twice that Parker ran beyond Cole on Sunday, actually trying to get on the end of the ball in the box. If Parker is to earn his massive salary he has to be more than a holding midfielder, he has to become a box to box player and offer us more going forward. There were glimpses against City that Kovac will release him to do this. Noble has been disappointing recently so I would like to see Zola persist with this pairing, teamed with the pace of Savio and Collison on the flanks.
I have also liked the way Di Michele has been linking play, filling up the midfield when we don't have possession and picking passes when we do. His turn and cross for Cole in the first half against City was pure class - and a more instinctive goal scorer would have either taken that on the volley or launched himself into a diving header. I'm not Beano's biggest fan because of his injury record and selfishness, but I think he would have scored that one, as he did against United at Old Trafford last season.
So, I suspect Kovac could be a key piece in Zola's jigsaw. If we ever get DumptyDyer and Beano Ashton fit, we could have a team to reckon with. And remember, Faubert will be back in the summer!
I have also liked the way Di Michele has been linking play, filling up the midfield when we don't have possession and picking passes when we do. His turn and cross for Cole in the first half against City was pure class - and a more instinctive goal scorer would have either taken that on the volley or launched himself into a diving header. I'm not Beano's biggest fan because of his injury record and selfishness, but I think he would have scored that one, as he did against United at Old Trafford last season.
So, I suspect Kovac could be a key piece in Zola's jigsaw. If we ever get DumptyDyer and Beano Ashton fit, we could have a team to reckon with. And remember, Faubert will be back in the summer!
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Coles to Newcastle
Newcastle 2 West Ham 2
What a shame. When the dust has settled and the game is appraised honestly, this will be seen as two points thrown away. Second half we were superb until we took the lead; then Zola came over all Turds and circled the wagons, trying to protect the points. The result? We invited Newcastle on, gave heart to the Geordie fans and turned certain victory into a scrambled draw.
The positives? Two superb goals. The Parker pass to Bellyache and the dinked finish from the tatooed gob, were both sublime. It was a brilliant goal but the second was perhaps even better. Cole was offside just before Ilunga hit the pass but he stepped onside cleverly, then darted forward as the pass was made. His finish was nothing short of stunning, blasting the ball past the best shot stopper in the Prmiership. Now let's just recap. This is Carlton Cole. Carlton Cole stepped up cleverly, darted forward astutely, controlled the ball beautifully and finished brilliantly. Did you ever expect to read that sentence? Amazing!
The negatives? Both goals were sloppy. Collins was slow to close Owen for the first and failed to show him on to his weaker foot. Green perhaps should have done better. For the second, Behrami was far too slow to close Duff who was given half the weekend to measure his cross and direct it on to Carroll's head.
What a shame. When the dust has settled and the game is appraised honestly, this will be seen as two points thrown away. Second half we were superb until we took the lead; then Zola came over all Turds and circled the wagons, trying to protect the points. The result? We invited Newcastle on, gave heart to the Geordie fans and turned certain victory into a scrambled draw.
The positives? Two superb goals. The Parker pass to Bellyache and the dinked finish from the tatooed gob, were both sublime. It was a brilliant goal but the second was perhaps even better. Cole was offside just before Ilunga hit the pass but he stepped onside cleverly, then darted forward as the pass was made. His finish was nothing short of stunning, blasting the ball past the best shot stopper in the Prmiership. Now let's just recap. This is Carlton Cole. Carlton Cole stepped up cleverly, darted forward astutely, controlled the ball beautifully and finished brilliantly. Did you ever expect to read that sentence? Amazing!
The negatives? Both goals were sloppy. Collins was slow to close Owen for the first and failed to show him on to his weaker foot. Green perhaps should have done better. For the second, Behrami was far too slow to close Duff who was given half the weekend to measure his cross and direct it on to Carroll's head.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Change of Tack, Tevez back?
Suddenly everything is looking so much more promising. Bowyer could be on his way to Birmingham which should delight the local Asian community; let's hope he makes the mistake of going out alone and bumps into a few Asian Villa fans with a memory. Etherington has staked his life savings on Stoke not going down. Downpipe could just help Bolton to go down the tubes. And Luis Boa-Morte may even be on his way, though I can't imagine he would take his salary package with him to Hull City. Still, we could always agree to pay his wages, Fowler style, just to offload him. Personally, I would snap off City's banker's hand if £10m was really offered for Parker. That's pretty good money for a sub prime player! Most promising of all, it looks as if Upson and Bellyache are staying put. All we need now is for Tevez to fall out so badly with Fergie that he is loaned back to us until the end of the season. Now that really would be a poke in the eye for McCabe and the Premier League!
Monday, 11 August 2008
Clattenburg suspended
Back in October last year I posted about Mr Clatterburg's appalling performance in the Merseyside derby. Now the guy has been suspended because his company has gone bust. Now I'm not saying there is a link between the two, but if I was the FA, I would be looking very closely at when the company hit problems and asking if it really was pornography wrapped up in that brown paper bag Clattenburg was allegedly seen carrying on the train out of Liverpool. Think I might rename him Clattenbung, just for fun you understand!
Wouldn't it be great if...?
Wouldn't it be great if Curbishley were to issue the following statement? "I woke up this morning and was struck by this incredible thought, I'm the manager of West Ham United. Yes,that's right, West Ham United! I'm no longer the Charlton manager! I don't have to bore my way to crucial points, I can send the team out to attack, in the true West Ham style. I want to apologise to all you great fans for last season. Yes we had injuries, yes we were consolidating, but that is not a good enough excuse for abandoning the values of OUR great club. This club isn't just about survival, this team is about maintaining standards, about values, about a heritage based on Greenwood, Moore, Hurst and Peters. We won the World Cup for England and we will win the World Cup again, because we put the good of the game above our own petty need for points against cloggers like Blackburn. Thatcher? What was I thinking of? Barton? Ron Greenwood would turn in his grave. So I now give you all this pledge. I know I fell short as a player, I know I put myself before the club, I know I walked out on West Ham then and put personal glory ahead of this great club, but I am breaking with that past now, I don't want a team of Curbishleys, I want a team of Brookings and Devonshires, I want to attack, I want to play with a smile rather than a grimace, I want West Ham to be West Ham, and to hell with the consequences!"
Dyer's masterplan!
"A former Manchester United player whose career was ended when he was injured in a tackle has been awarded more than £4.5m in compensation." Is this the Dyer masterplan?
West Ham to sign Andy Murray!
West Ham have just announced the signing of tennis ace Andy Murray. Manager Alan Curbishley explained, "As his performance in the Olympics showed, Murray is a mercenary b8stard who doesn't give a toss about the team if there isn't a big pay cheque for winning. Doesn't that sound like all my other signings? Andy is also injured on a regular basis and regularly flatters to deceive. He will fit in with the present squad perfectly! All I have to do now is to iron the attacking shots out of his game to make him the perfect Curbishley player!" Tottenham, meanwhile, have signed Nadal!
Curbishley, the Master of Mediocrity
Curbishley is a master for mediocrity. It is like having a batsman in cricket, as Tavare used to be, who can "hold up an end" whilst others score the runs around him. Tavare was never going to be a Botham, never going to be a winner on his own, but still had his value. But like Tavare, Curbishley doesn't have what it takes to be a winner or to get the crowd excited. To stick with cricket terminology, he doesn't "go for his shots". He is a nudger and a nurdler, a grafter who scores by saying, "you'll not get me out and if I stick around, you'll chuck down enough bad balls for me to accumulate a decent score." That's all very well if that is what you want, but a team of Tavares would be awfully boring to watch, just like Curbishley's teams. The trouble with West Ham teams in the past has been that all the players, even the defenders, have had the Botham attitude. Every team, ideally, has a Tavare, and I give Curbishley credit for instilling discipline into the defenders, Neill apart. But we want to see flair, we want to see our team pouring forward, we want to see invention, creativity, risk taking, we want to see exciting, attacking football. Tavare was never going to go for his shots in cricket and nor will Curbishley in football. Yes he was ideal for Charlton where expectations were lower, but he is wrong for West Ham. I'm not saying we expect to win things, what I'm saying is that we expect to be entertained when not winning things. George Graham might have been acceptable because he might have won trophies whilst abandoning our values, but Curbishley is the worst of both worlds; he will nurdle us to mid table obscurity and I would rather finish 14th by playing our shots than 10th by nudging and nurdling all season! One thing is for certain, Curbishley isn't going to change his mentality after all these "successful" years so if we want flair we need a new manager.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
McCabe on his knees!
Sheffield United chairman Kevin McCabe quoted as saying:"It's down to the panel to make their award which should be September. The formal arbitration hearing was concluded last month but there'll be one more day at the end of July for further oral submissions." Now I know the guy is desperate but a whole day of blow jobs is surely going too far to try to convince the panel!
Septic Bladder
Dear Mr President Lincoln, I am writing to you from a sugar plantation in the Caribbean. I am very unhappy that I am being paid just £120,000 per week for representing my plantation in football and that I am not being allowed to move to a neighbouring plantation where I could earn £150,000 per week. I am sure that you will agree that this is an outrageous way to treat a slave and, after reading this letter, will instantly commence a policy leading to the abolition of this obscene practise. Please ignore the chains that slaves have to wear, the rape of the women, the beatings, the hangings and the terrible conditions endured during transportation, these pale into insignificance when set alongside my inability to represent the plantation of my choice. Yours sincerely Kunta Kinte.
Monday, 23 June 2008
Poor old McClanger!
Well, it's been some time! All this blogging stuff went on the back boiler I'm afraid but how can I resist when players such as Arseshavings and Jerkoff are gracing Euro2008?
Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.
To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!
Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!
One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.
Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!
Thank God the Italians lost that shootout, they would have taken the game back a generation had they made it through to the final. The Italians and the Greeks apart, the great thing about this tournament is the way teams have attacked, trying to win games in that old fashioned way of trying to out score the opposition. The Russians have been a joy.
To think, we could have appointed Guus Hiddink when we appointed McClanger! How stupid does that make the FA look? Meanwhile, Chelsea have appointed a guy who, despite being graced with a golden generation of Portugese players, has won precisely nothing with them. I predict that one will end in tears!
Biggest hypocrit? Turds! After circling the wagons every time we took a 1-0 lead, he had the audacity to say at half time in the Russia v Sweden match, "Hiddink should go for it second half and not sit back and try to keep what he has got". This is the man who sent on Spector for Ashton to keep the score 1-1! This is the man who circled the wagons to protect the lead at home to 10 man Reading! This is the man who ordered the retreat and settled for a draw at home to relegated Reading and Birmingham and against relegation candidates Bolton and Wigan! What a hypocritical twat!
One final thought for now. Croatia only went out on penalties in the Quarter Final and Russia have reached the Semifinal. Were we in the Qualifying Group of Death without even realising it? Almost makes you feel sorry for McClanger.
Er, on second thoughts, no it don't!
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