The PR boys have had a word with Doctor Evil ahead of the crunch game with Reading. Somebody has said, "Southampton have pulled clear and you need the fans behind you on Saturday so tone down the belligerence" and Allardyce has done his best to comply.
Suddenly instead of long ball, we are swanning around on the pitch according to Allardyce. Some of us might find it a wee bit galling to be aspiring to be "the next Swansea City" but that is our new yard stick apparently. Before you know it, Sam will be telling us that sisters in Newham are every bit as attractive as female siblings in Norwich!
So dear old Uncle Sam now wants to "inspire and create"! Now there's an oxymoron! Expect a brick shit house with a pink door and bidet!
Suddenly dear old Uncle Sam is a "creative person" whose brain "doesn't think boring logistics". So the written instructions given to players before kick off will now be consigned to the bin: "Kick off. Pass back to Faye. Knock it long. Carlton chase. Win ball back. Knock it long. Carlton chase. Win ball. Knock it long, Carlton drop deep, Nolan chase. Win ball back. Pass back to Green (for variety). Knock it long. Carlton chase."
And suddenly the "Match Stats" feature will not form part of the debrief - "We may have drawn the game 1-1 but we got the ball into their box 63 times. Moral victory. Have to be pleased with that lads. But Baldock and Maynard, you're useless cnuts."
Most amusing of all is the way Allardyce backs up his "We play like Swansea" claim - he remembers three and a half games when we have played well all season - and forgets our double over Blackpool! Three and half games playing like Swansea City guys - we have to be pleased with that!
But Uncle Sam knows what we expect at West Ham and is determined to "fulfil people's dreams". And we all know what happens to our bubbled dreams don't we? Third place here we come then!