Look at the important stats you idiot Allardyce!

Listen to him! What an idiotic twat. It was the referee's fault. Well it always is when we lose according to Allardyce, but this time he does have a point.

It was the players' fault. We created chances and when you create chances you should score goals. It's like a deformed handicapped ugly dwarf with puss weeping pimples wandering into a party full of beautiful women. The beautiful women are there, so he should score. Obviously.

Read the stats from yesterday's game and it looks like Allardyce has a point. We had 18 shots in the game apparently, twice as many as Hull, and got five on target. Ergo, we wasted chances. But did we really? Apart from the Tomkins header, which beat the keeper and found a defender on the line, I can remember two clear cut chances. Diame made a complete hash of his chance, air kicking a brilliant pulled back cross from Rat. And Rat himself fired wide after controlling the ball superbly on his chest before shooting like a Romanian defender.

So where does a shot count of 18 come from exactly? Well Vaz Te had that overhead kick. It would have been a brilliant goal but he was forced into attempting the incredible by a poor cross in the first place. Then there was the Vaz Te free kick which cleared the bar. Well, Diamante apart, we have complained for years that we have nobody in the team able to capitalise from these sorts of opportunities but what has Allardyce done to address the issue? Then there was Noble's shot from outside the box. But tell me, how many goals has Noble scored from open play over the last four years? You have enough fingers on one hand to count!

Then there was that Maiga shot, of course. But he was too far out, too wide of the goal and under too much pressure to stand any realistic chance of scoring. Had we started with two players up top, Maiga would have had the option of crossing, and one of the two defenders snapping at his heels would have been otherwise engaged. But Allardyce only plays with one up top and yesterday started with Diame and Jarvis wide, neither of whom are noted for their goal scoring acumen.

And apart from those efforts? Well the rest were snatched at half chances, feeble headers from poor crosses or speculative attempts from unrealistic positions.

Well Allardyce is a stats man, so let's look at the stats shall we? The Premiership goal scoring record of the ten outfield players that started yesterday's game reads as follows:

O'Brien - 2 goals from 87 games.
Rat - 0 goals from 2 games.
Tomkins - 3 goals from 86 games.
Reid - 1 goal from 48 games
Noble - 19 goals from 161 games (including 12 penalties)
Nolan - 62 goals from 342 games
Jarvis -17 goals from 145 games
Diame - 8 goals from 135 games
Morrison - 1 goal from 4 games
Maiga - 2 goals from 22 games

Now do the sums. Even allowing for the potential statistical anomaly of Morrison, who needs to score 9 goals a season to maintain his present ratio, this team has scored a combined total of 115 goals from 1032 games! Take out Nolan's stats, and many want Nolan out of the team, and the figures make truly terrifying reading, with just 53 goals scored from 690 games. Take out Noble's penalties and that becomes 41 goals from 690 games!

Now if Allardyce cannot understand why this team is not scoring goals after reading those statistics, he truly is an arse! And that is before we take into account his 4-5-1, safety first tactics!

It's an unfortunate given of the game  that you cannot win a match if you do not score, so how exactly does Allardyce expect to win enough games to survive in the Prem with a team that has such an appalling goal scoring return? It's not the number of shots that matters, it's who the chances are falling to, as Collins, Rat, Maiga and Diame have illustrated in recent games.

Of course, add Joe Cole and Stewart Downing to the team and the picture improves, but the problem still remains that without a goal scoring striker, the net return will still be insufficient to average a point a game.

And here's another terrifying stat - Jarvis didn't assist a single goal in the Prem last season! Yes he got in lots of crosses, but none of those crosses led directly to a goal. And he is supposedly one of our most effective attacking weapons!

Yesterday, we played for a draw at Hull City. The team was set up to keep what we had at the start of the match and, yet again, the tactic seemed to be to keep a clean sheet and hope that we could pinch a goal. Fair enough at Newcastle and Southampton perhaps, but against Hull City? Dear God, they had Faye at centre back! He was old and slow in the Championship two years ago but he was able to keep pace with Nolan and Maiga yesterday, despite having only just returned from injury. That is terrifying!

So, why are we struggling and why will we continue to struggle? Because of the personnel that Allardyce has recruited and the tactics he is employing. It's not Kevin Friend's fault. It's not the players' fault because they can only do what they can do, it's Allardyce's fault, and he needs to find a Plan B fast or we will go down.

Take those vital stats and shove them up your big fat gormless arse Allardyce!

Tigers 1 Hammers 0 - Referee Friend Receives Hull City's Man of the Match Award!

Well the penalty awarded to Hull in the first half was as soft as wet toilet paper but debateable if O'Brien did, indeed, stupidly shove Brady in the back, but the failure to award an equaliser penalty for the most obvious hand ball you will see this season was utterly inexplicable. Livermore clearly put his arm to ball and it rebounded off the point of his elbow. How the officials thought he had put the ball behind for a corner, given his body was nowhere near the ball, will remain a mystery. Although the suspicion is that Kevin was determined to be Hull's best Friend come what may!

Allardyce will do his nut, and with some justification, but that must not disguise his own crass stupidity. Once again we started with Maiga, and once again we looked utterly toothless. Time and again Mogadon failed to control the ball when it was played forward to him, and though he did, at long last, have a shot on target and also cleared the ball off his own line, he was woeful for the most part. Why he started, and why he stayed on for over 60 minutes, only Allardyce will know. Unless, of course, Petric is as crap as he looked after replacing Maiga!

But when Vaz Te came on, the game changed. He moved into space, he took on defenders, and he was hungry to get on the end of things. One freekick bent wide from outside the box and one overhead kick showed that he has more natural ability than both Petric and Maiga combined. It's time for Sam to swallow his pride and admit that he was wrong when trying to side line the man whose goal got us into the Prem.

And the introduction of Downing for Jarvis was also a factor in our second half improvement.

However, we are clutching at straws of comfort here. Yes we dominated the last 20 minutes, but we shouldn't forget that McGreggor didn't have to make a difficult save all game whereas Jussi made two impressive blocks and Livermore also hit the post. And we are talking Hull City here. Even Zola's West Ham could beat Hull City!

A crisis is unfolding. Allardyce will blame the officials and lament the fact that our best chance again fell to a defender, with Rat slicing the ball wide, but if you don't have a striker worthy of the name, how do expect chances to fall to somebody skilled at putting the ball in the net? Tomkins had a header cleared off the line, Rat sliced a chance wide, Rat set up Diame superbly, only for an air shot to follow and O'Brien delivered our best cross of the game. Doesn't say much for the offensive unit does it?

Player ratings: Jussi 7; O'Brien 4 (penalty award!), Tomkins 6, Reid 6, Rat 7; Noble 5; Nolan 6, Morrison 6, Diame 6, Jarvis 4; Maiga 3 Subs: Petric 2, Vaz Te 7, Downing 6

Half Time - Kevin a Friend of Hull City!

Was it a penalty? It looked bloody soft to me, but Hull City's best Friend, the referee, saw a push from O'Brien in the back of Brady and, following a fantastic swallow dive by the Hull player, the pen was awarded. If O'Brien did push him, he should be shot because Tomkins had the situation under control and was heading the ball clear. So, crass stupidity either on the part of the defender or the official, or a combination of the two. Give a penalty for that, and you have to give a penalty or a free kick every time players jostle, lean, nudge and shove at a corner!

Apart from that, the game has been pretty unremarkable and alarmingly predictable. I warned we would be behind inside the first quarter of an hour, and Hull scored after 11 minutes. Mind you, something staggering happened after 19 minutes and 27 seconds, Maiga had his first shot on target in the Prem this season! How many minutes in total has that taken exactly? Of course, the shot presented no problems, Maiga lacking the pace or guile to outstrip the ageing Faye after a lovely through ball by Jarvis.

Those on Maiga watch will have noted how often the ball has bounced away from him. This resulted in one missed chance inside the box, with Maiga receiving the ball in space in the box, only for a heavy touch to present the defender with an easy clearance. Faye must be thinking that playing in the Prem is a doddle!

Mind you, Maiga's ability to deflect the ball wide of the goal came into its own with a goal line clearance to prevent Hull going two up. Quite how he got the ball up and over the bar from his position of one foot in front of the goal line, only Maiga will know, but watching him in the opposite box, it is clearly a skill he has been working on in training!

We have enjoyed two other chances, one fluffed appallingly by Diame after a superb cut back cross from Rat, and another which saw a Tomkins header stopped on the line in a fashion that presented the referee with an opportunity to even up the dodgy penalty awards, but being a good Friend of Hull, Kevin decided against that!

Allardyce opts for dog crap!

So Maiga starts again, meaning that Vaz Te is sat on the bench once more alongside Petric. The selection is perverse but the pig headed one knows he knows best, so it looks like we are stuck with Maiga at least until Petric or Cole are fit to start.

If I was Vaz Te, I would be well pissed. OK, the teams he has scored against are not the best, but he has scored twice, which is two more times than Maiga. The other option was to play RVT out wide, but that would be far too positive a move given his reluctance to track back. And we are playing the might of Hull Tigers remember!

The other controversial pick sees Tomkins start ahead of Collins. I fear we could end up regretting that within 15 minutes of kick off. I like JT and remain hopeful that he will mature into a top class defender, but for the moment, I reckon Collins is the better bet. But perhaps Allardyce is belatedly punishing Ginge for not taking that opportunity against Southampton!

Noble is back of course, and Rat is preferred over Demel, allowing O'Brien to revert to the right. This is a game we need to win, but the team will set up to keep what we have got. I am not optimistic!

Vaz Te or Maiga?

Well, it shouldn't take long to answer that one. Strawberries & cream or dog shit? London or Leeds? Italy or Albania? Ron Greenwood or Avram Grant? Paradise or Purgatory?

So tell me, why the hell has Maiga started so many games whilst Vaz Te has been ignored? Bloody hell, Maiga hasn't even played for Bolton!

Hopefully, hopefully, Allardyce has got the message at last. If Petric isn't fit to start, for God's sake start with RVT!

Echoes of Avram Grant as West Ham Progress in League Cup

I did not see the game but the Cardiff equaliser was depressingly predictable after we took an early two goal lead. Without Reid, the centre of the defence is short of pace, whilst Chambers and McCartney were never going to provide a sense of solidity on the flanks. A win is a win, but the fact that we let a two goal lead slip and needed a late winner to progress, when playing against Cardiff City's stiffs, is worrying.

Perhaps more worrying still is the fact that this season is shaping up much the same as Avram's year in charge. Pre season went like a dream, we performed well in the League Cup, but when it came to the Prem...oh dear.

And for all the money spent by Allardyce, are we really any better than when Avram was in charge? Take out Carroll - and he never plays - and this is a mediocre team, Winston Reid apart who Grant brought to the club.

Remember, Nolan, Carroll, Jussi, Vaz Te, Taylor, Downing, O'Brien, Jarvis and Joe Cole have all suffered relegation from the Prem in their careers, and as QPR showed last season, if you pack your squad with failures, you ain't going to win the title in a hurry, even if you have spent a fortune to recruit them. You can, of course, add Tomkins, Collison, Noble and Reid to that "Relegated Club" giving us a baker's dozen of hanged men.

So, progress in the Capital One Fan Cup is great, but Cardiff's reserves should have been a push over and much tougher battles lay ahead. This still threatens to be a tough, tough season.

Ex Sunderland Boss Di Canio next in line to manage West Ham?

So, how many West Ham fans want him now? Not so long ago, the Claret and Blue Klan were hailing Il Duce as the best thing to happen to football management since Brian Clough. Any suggestions that he was too hot headed, and would be a disaster as a manager, were met with howls of derision from the West Ham faithful. Well, they won't admit to it publicly, but privately they might be having second thoughts now.

The Sunderland board may consider that another season in the Prem is justification for the crazy appointment, but I for one believe that O'Neill would have kept the Black Cats up anyway - they had a few lives left despite the catalogue of injuries.

And if O'Neill's sacking was knee jerk, Di Canio's appointment screamed short termism of the very worst kind. Sure, a firebrand manager will get an immediate reaction which may be worth a win or two, but sooner or later, millionaire players are going to think "Bugger this for a game of monkeys" when the man at the top reveals himself as a complete arsehole. Allardyce may be one dimensional tactically, but at least he has a track record to fall back on; Di Canio is just a jumped up little twat, end of!

Thank God we never approached him for the West Ham job because our Board would have found it much more difficult to remove him due to the adoration  he enjoys amongst our fans.  That adoration is utterly misplaced, as his Tom-foolery at Sunderland has proved, so hopefully he will never be linked with our club again.

Until, that is, Allardyce loses another game!

Was Noble to blame for the Everton defeat?

Noble's critics were quick to blame their bête noir for the defeat against Everton, conveniently forgetting that Everton's first equaliser resulted from a foul by Collins in exactly the same area of the pitch. There was no argument about the award when Collins rashly and needlessly tripped Barkley, but for some reason, Ginge has not come in for the same level of criticism, even though television replays appear to support my initial impression that Noble took the ball. Allardyce is certainly convinced that the referee erred.

Sadly, some of our fans seem to delight in a Noble error, to the point where you suspect that they are actually happy when he makes a mistake that costs us a game. Instead of lambasting the referee, these Noble haters rushed to their keyboards after the game to slam the midfielder, completely ignoring the fact that he made two identical challenges earlier in the game, which the referee deemed fair, waving play on despite Everton protests - and in each case he broke up dangerous Everton attacks.

Now I accept that any challenge from behind runs the risk of conceding a free kick, and that it also carries with it the risk of a caution, so on that basis Noble was unwise to dive in, but what was he meant to do, let Barkley run unchallenged into the box with Everton players up in support? By this stage of the game, we were chasing shadows, the players exhausted by the pressing tactics employed from the first minute. Noble's challenge was, quite simply, a challenge born of desperation.

But Noble's critics don't care about context. They will not remember the earlier challenges nor the completed passes, all they will recall is that dreadful free kick straight through to Howard and the red carded "foul".  It is a disgraceful way to treat a product of the Academy and if these so called fans are not careful, they will drive him out, just as Lampard would have been hounded out had not his father and uncle defended him against all the unfounded and spiteful criticism of a vindictive boo boy section in our fan base.

I am on Maiga's case at the moment, but I would love him to prove me wrong, because I care more about the club than about my own ego. I am genuinely wondering if that is true of those who delight in their Noble vendetta.

West Ham 2 Everton 3 - Relegation struggle confirmed

OK, the excuses will be made. Did Noble connect with the ball before he was sent off? Probably yes. Should he have been sent off therefore, even if a foul was awarded? Probably no. Did he even deserve the first yellow for the tug on Mirallis? Some referees would have considered the free kick punishment enough, especially given the fact that Reid cleared the ball anyway.

However, moan as much as we like, we lost because Everton played us off the park in the second half and Noble ended up with an early bath because we were chasing shadows throughout that second period.

So, the West Ham fans who took issue with my warning about relegation, made as soon as Carroll's injury was confirmed and we failed to buy a replacement, might now like to think again. True Petric came on and made an instant impression by chasing a lost cause and setting up Nolan for the penalty award, but it is unlikely he will be fit and available for every game, and Maiga, once again, looked out of his depth. In fact, depth is the key word because when you bring on Taylor to protect a lead in the Prem, you admit that your squad is paper thin.

That second half was every bit as depressing as our performance against Stoke. As soon as Collins fouled Barkley within Baines shooting range, you knew Everton would equalise. Jussi's positioning was awful, but with Baines going for the opposite corner for his second, you can understand the Finn's muddled thinking. Of course, the solution was obvious, to put a tall man on the unprotected post, but you need players with brains to work that out, or a manager that thinks outside the box, which Allardyce doesn't.

Once Noble was dismissed, the game was up, but we were lucky to lead because the only objective in the second half was to protect what we had. Petric did brilliantly to win the ball on the dead ball line and play it back to Nolan, and Nolan bought the penalty like the old pro he is, but we offered absolutely nothing going forward apart from that in the second period. And the midfield were clearly shattered 60 minutes into the game because of the pressing tactics. Everton simply bided their time and then passed the ball through the gaps that inevitably appeared.

Meanwhile, Lukaku showed what we missed as Sullivan and Gold fiddled as Upton Park burned. Financial Fair Play? Cobblers. We were just trying to save on wages for a few weeks, and because of Carroll's injury, it exploded in our faces. Also, of course, Allardyce's one dimensional Plan A policy of the lone striker meant that Lukaku didn't fancy keeping the bench warm, waiting for Carroll to pull up lame.

So, the relegation struggle was confirmed today. It's going to be a long, difficult, painful season and God only knows the implications to the club if we go down.

Player ratings: Jussi 4; O'Brien 5 Collins 6, Reid 8, Rat 6; Noble 5, Morrison 5; Jarvis 5, Nolan 5, Diame 6; Maiga 4 Subs Petric 6, Taylor 5

Half Time: West Ham 1 Everton 0 - Morrison!!!!!!!!

Ok, it took a huge deflection, without which the ball would not have found the back of the net, but who cares? Ravel is off the mark, West Ham have scored and, thus far, the roses are sweet smelling.

We haven't looked particularly good with the ball again, but we have looked far better than against Stoke. Maiga has won three headers and has actually found a team mate with a few passes. He's also had a shot which, sadly, sailed well over the goal. But beggars can't be choosers, that's a marked improvement!

Again, the defending in midfield and at the back has been tigerish, and one Jussi save apart for Marallis, we have coped excellently without the ball. The trouble, Everton have been poor, in part thanks to our pressing game, and are likely to improve markedly in the second 45. Poor O'Brien has his hands full with Baines and Marallis and if Lukaku comes on, Collins and Reid will know they are in a game. Morrison has to be careful too after a first half yellow for a rash challenge.

Fingers crossed, but we have led against Everton quite a few times before, only to lose the game!

Everton trembling as Maiga leads the line again!

So, despite looking as toothless at Southampton as a ninety five year old who has just gone ten rounds with Floyd Mayweather, the only change to the team is enforced, with Rat coming in for Demel. Everton's defenders must be quaking in their boots at the thought of trying to shut out Maiga and co for ninety minutes!

And this is Everton remember, a team who we can't beat even when we are at full strength and on the top of our game! If I could bring myself to bet against West Ham, this would be the game I would select. If the Toffees don't win this one, I will be very pleasantly surprised!

Allardyce clearly hasn't hit upon a plan B yet. Hopes that Vaz Te might start along with young Lee have been dashed. Forget movement, forget angled balls, forget subtlety, it seems we intend to pump it forward regardless of the fact that we are pumping it forward to nobody!

Still, Maiga may surprise us! Finger crossed. The Everton hoodoo may be laid with a Maiga hat trick. And look, there's a squadron of pigs flying over Upton Park as the pre match entertainment!

How brainless is Maiga?

Right on cue, Captain Kev has made a statement in support of West Ham's strikers and Maiga in particular. Nolan insists Maiga can and will score but Nolan is missing the point, just as Maiga misses the target. It's not the guy's ability that's the problem, it's his footballing intelligence. When it comes to understanding the nuances of the game, the guy is literally brainless.

Just watch his movement, or rather lack of movement, when he doesn't have the ball. There was one really telling moment shortly before he was taken off against Southampton.

Noble was in possession on the half way line and was desperately looking for the opportunity to play the ball forward. He looked up and Maiga was absolutely static with a Southampton defender up his backside. Noble waited and waited. Would Maiga spin and run, making either the ball over the top or down the channel possible, or would he drop deep, setting up a one two?

The answer was neither. He stood still. So poor Noble told him what to do, inviting him to drop into the space by beckoning him forwards, before playing the pass. Maiga responded, but the defender came with him, inevitably given Noble's frustrated hand gesture, and Maiga promptly made a hash of receiving the pass, played directly to his feet, and allowed the ball to bounce off his legs to the feet of an opponent - and suddenly we were back peddling as Southampton poured forward. Hopeless!

Did Maiga win one header all game? Yes. But he back headed it straight to a Southampton defender with no West Ham player goal side of him. Did he have a single shot on target? No. Did he have one authentic shot off target? No, his only attempt ballooned off his leg with his body shape all over the shop. Did he once run a channel? Nope. Did he drop deep to link the play? Nope. Did he attempt to stretch the Southampton defence by running beyond their back line? Nope.  Did he do anything? No. Well actually, that's not fair.

There was one classic moment that showed how incompetent this guy is. Remember when Southampton hit the post? Well Maiga was guarding that post and failed to jump as the ball passed over his head. Fair enough, it was traveling at quite a lick, but it is what happened afterwards that is the concern. The ball rebounded into play and pinged around our penalty box; and what did Maiga do? He actually stepped outside the post, leaving the goal unguarded and screened the fans behind the goal should a Southampton player strike his shot wide.

Now that was truly brainless!

Furious Allardyce Blames Referee Marriner

Funny, I thought Allardyce set up to draw the game, so it seems a bit rich for him to be pointing the finger at referee Andre Marriner for our failure to score and take home 3 points. Listen to Doctor Evil and you would think we were somehow robbed. And the reason? Because Schneiderlin wasn't sent off when he scythed through Diame.

Now I always consider it a tad desperate when a manager uses the excuse for the failure to get a result that the opposition had the same number of players on the pitch. But in this case, I think Allardyce may have a point, even though O'Brien might have seen red for a similar tackle. After all, by selecting Maiga to start, Allardyce handed a one man advantage to Southampton, so had Marriner sent off Schneiderlin, he would  simply have been levelling things up by making it ten men against ten!

For the record, here's what Doctor Evil had to say after the game:

"I can't for the life of me understand Andre Marriner. He is such an experienced referee now, how he didn't see that."

"For me that was a disappointment. It's in the end kept them with 11 men on the field, which the law was supposed to be they should only have had 10 men, which would have given us a better chance of winning because I started the game with 10 anyway."

"But I'm happy with a point. I can't affect what the referees do, it's not my job, it's just my job to build a squad that can cope with injuries and to evolve tactics which enable us to score when the opposition have eleven men on the pitch in case the referee doesn't send one of them off."

"Of course I did my job brilliantly, as ever, because we could have won it at the end when that Ginger twat had his chance but he let me down just like he let the people of Wales down in mid week - that was the best chance of game".

"It was a bit unlucky for me and my superb tactics that it fell to our centre half, but from that far out even a Welsh ginger twat should hit the target."

"Overall, it was a decent performance. Defensively we showed how good we are but we can't hit the back of the net. That's my concern at the moment. But had Marriner done his job and reduced them to ten men, we might have had half a chance of winning."

Southampton's Saints 0 Cynical Sinners 0 - a Snore Draw!

Allardyce will be pleased but if every game was played like this, football would be dead as a spectator sport inside twelve months. Doctor Evil has the perfect excuse, of course - no Carroll, no Downing and no Cole - but he put this squad together and with the route one totem removed, we have no idea how to score.

True Diame forced a great save in the first five minutes and true we had a goal disallowed after Jarvis mistimed his run and so was caught offside, and true Collins blasted over when unmarked in the box after a superb pull back by Noble, but those moments apart, we had all the attacking intent of a pacifist convention in Switzerland. There was one game plan, and one game plan only, to keep Southampton out and hope upon hope that a scrap might fall to Nolan which he would take. Two did fall to him, but he made a hash of both.

The decision to play Diame out wide was a defensive ploy to nullify Shaw's forward runs and, outside of Noble and Morrison, we had nobody looking to create. Jarvis was hopeless with the ball all afternoon, Maiga was completely and utterly anonymous, Nolan did what Nolan does (without the vital finishing bit), Diame lumped every cross twenty yards over the head of everybody in the box and Vaz Te looked as hungry as a corpse when he replaced Mogadon Maiga. It really was a dire spectacle when we were in possession.

Without the ball, we were, for the most part, superb. The midfield pressed, harried, bit, spat, elbowed, nudged, rolled and fouled their way through the game, effectively suffocating Southampton's short passing game. At the back, a couple of gaffs apart in the first half, Collins was at his belligerent best and Reid again impressed. O'Brien picked up a stupid yellow high up the pitch with an ugly and unnecessary challenge but otherwise was excellent on both the right and left flank, and Demel was a beast until he went off injured. On came the appropriately named Rat who fitted in neatly.

The trouble is, we were hungry for the ball when the opposition had it and utterly clueless when they occasionally gave it to us. We can't survive drawing the remaining games 0-0 so something has to be done to make us more effective going forward and given the personnel problems, Allardyce might have to find a Plan B. An Allardyce Plan B, now there's an oxymoron!

By the way, Jussi was truly brilliant, with two utterly awesome saves and two others worthy of mention!

Player ratings: Jussi 10; Demel 6, Collins 7, Reid 8, O'Brien 7; Noble 8, Morrison 6; Diame 5, Nolan 6, Jarvis 5; Mogadon Maiga 0 Subs: Rat 7, Vaz Te 2, Taylor 5

Half Time Southampton 0 West Ham 0 - Not bad for 10 men!

Ok, it again hasn't been terribly pretty but it hasn't all been long ball either. What would be the point when Maiga is the lone man up front and he has been as useless as ever.

We really are playing with 10 men at the moment and I can't believe that either Vaz Te or Nolan as the target man could be as bad. Maiga's half was summed up when the ball fell to him in the box in the final minute and he failed to control it, failed to shape his body, failed to get a proper connection and provoked jeers of derision as the ball floated behind for a goal kick like a balloon. Hopeless, truly, truly hopeless.

Mind you, Maiga's not alone in having a bit of a mare. Allardyce will be laying in to Jarvis after the dipstick has made a complete hash of his crossing and mistimed a run which resulted in a goal being disallowed because he was a fraction off side. Like Maiga, he is not a very intelligent footballer.

And at the back, Collins has been shaky, sliding on his arse once and so allowing a Southampton break, and losing possession horribly when the final defender. Fortunately Rodrigeuz failed to control the ball.

And generally speaking our crossing from the flanks has been poor, with only O'Brien keeping his head when in space. I'm wondering if Allardyce had had them practising with a sodden old leather ball because it is frightening how many times crosses and long balls have been overhit.

On the positive side, Jussi pulled off a brilliant save, Diame forced an equally good save, the tackling has been tigerish, we have had the ball in the net and Morrison very nearly curled one into the top corner from outside the box. The worry is, should Southampton score, who the hell, apart maybe from Nolan or Morrison, is going to score for us? This team is terrifyingly light on goal scorers.

West Ham risk points deduction as Sullivan flouts the rules

So that's it then. Having surrendered five points in our one club quest to stay the right side of the Financial Fair Play rules, David Sullivan has suddenly decided to face up to the wrath of the footballing authorities rather than trust to the possibility that, sometime this side of never, Maiga might learn that those funny white posts with a net attached is called a goal.

Of course, should we narrowly avoid the drop, we can expect a disciplinary hearing and calls to financially compensate any team that goes down in our stead. Crystal Palace have probably appointed a team of lawyers already, and the first team that Petric scores against will instantly put together a case proving that the former Fulham man was a one man team. Well, he's already proved himself a better keeper than Rob Green if you believe some reports!

Neil Warnock is probably touting himself as a consultant and expert witness as you read this whilst Shafting United's McScab is no doubt investigating the possibility of a "piggy back" claim, asking for a retrospective review of the Tevez case in the light of proof that the London club are a bunch of cheating East End shysters. Every player in the Prem, meanwhile, is asking his agent to seek legal advice on making a claim for a personal loss.

Meanwhile Scotty Duxbury will probably offer his services to the club in an effort to mitigate losses, persuading the Board to accept a deduction of 18 points, a fine somewhere in the range of £30m to £60m, and compensation deals, to avoid costly legal actions, amounting to £700m.

No wonder we didn't try to sign a striker before the window closed!

And I thought Sullivan & Gold were supposedly West Ham fans!

Sullivan and Gold are West Ham fans? Don't make me laugh! All West Ham fans know from painful experience one, absolute, unalterable, never to be refuted or denied or challenged law: if it can go wrong, it bloody well will go wrong, and with fcuking great knobs on!

So, we break our transfer record and buy a guy whose thighs are wrapped up in more bandages than your average Egyptian mummy and we all know what's going to happen next - his career is going to end cruelly and prematurely. Hello Dean Ashton.

And, we get taken over by an Icelandic bank so it's welcome to the collapse of the world banking system!

And we sign two World Class Argies -  so suddenly Third Party Agreements raise their ugly heads!

And Pardew takes us to a Cup Final and to the top ten of the Prem in our first season back up - so his flies break!

And we appoint a manager who has taken a club to the Champions League final - but it's Avram Grant!

And we sign Keiron Dyer so...oh no, that curse hit every one of his clubs equally!

West Ham fans know that you never, ever, ever, back yourself in to a blind alley with only one way out, because if you do, before you know it, that exit way will be blocked by a pride of lions, a herd of rhinos and Jo Brand in stockings and suspenders.

So Carroll is out for the season. Is anybody other than our chairmen really surprised?

Carroll injury exposes the grand folly of Sullivan, Gold and Princess Brady

So that's it then, Carroll has sustained another injury and is beginning to bear all the hallmarks of another Dean Ashton or Keiron Dyer. But at least when those two inaction men booked in to their favourite treatment suite, the club had somebody to fill their shirts. Not so this time.

Amazingly, or should I say typically, West Ham fans have been slow to condemn the brinkmanship which saw us look around dazed and confused until the final hours of the transfer window, before making a belated bid to sign three, by that stage, unlikely targets. Perhaps it took the Stoke game to wake the Board up. And perhaps the very real prospect of a relegation battle alerted them to the fact that a vague threat of a points deduction was as of nothing, compared to a second dose of financial Armageddon in the Championship; but somehow the Financial Fair Play rules became, at the very last moment, less of an insurmountable obstacle.

Why, oh, why, oh why did we buy Downing rather than prioritizing a striker? What folly! Why, oh why, oh why did we let Norwich and Sunderland and Tottenham build new teams whilst we muttered on about new rules which are not tested for the first time until May 2015? What folly!

West Ham fans scoffed over the weekend and last week when I suggested we were now in danger of relegation, but tell me, how are we going to win games if we can't score goals? I can only see one option at the moment, and that is to move Captain Kev up top because Maiga is shit.

The latest rumour is that we are bringing in Petric. Well he hasn't got a club and we seem to be hoovering up any scraps on offer. A great signing methinks, he didn't net a single goal for Fulham post Christmas and from Easter on, Fulham showed relegation form.

But we won a friendly in Spain! Yep, with a Noble penalty.

It's threatening to be one nightmare of a season!

Leave it late and you get what you deserve - sweet FA!

So the truth is out! Far from sitting on their dildos, messers Sullivan, Gold and Brady were moving heaven and earth on the last day of the window trying to sign a striker. Ba, Lukaku and Bendtner were all on the shopping list, but sadly all three deals fell at the final hurdle.

Two questions arise from this, of course. The first is, why did we wait until the last moment before making a move? It was obvious to everybody that we needed an understudy for Carroll and that Maiga wasn't up to the job, so why, oh why, oh why did we dilly and dally, dally and dilly and lose our way at home to Stoke?

And the second is, what exactly happened to the Financial Fair Play regulations on the final day of the window which supposedly meant that we couldn't sign anybody until a player was sold? As I said all along, that was obviously bollocks. Unless Princess Brady is telling porkies now.

So, we got exactly what we deserved. Sweet FA. And if relegation is the consequence then we know who to blame.

Saint Carlton agrees to play for nothing

So when is the guy going to be canonized? Such is Carlton's love for the club that he is happy to play for nothing.

How else can we explain the club's attempt to re-sign him? According to the line spun by Big Brother Sullivan, and swallowed by the opened mouthed chicks in the Claret and Blue nest, we couldn't sign another striker until somebody left because of a limit on our wage bill. Well nobody has left so, ergo, the only way we can recruit Carlton Goals is if he has agreed to play for nothing, or next to nothing if we are to credit Sullivan's statement with an iota of truth.

Of course, it was all cobblers from the outset. I said two weeks back that West Ham fans were being taken for mugs and cited Spurs and Sunderland in evidence. The Claret and Blue Klan predictably howled in protest, just as they howled at the suggestion that The Great Puppet Master Duxbury was spinning them a line when he waxed lyrical about the "Project" even as he sold Bellamy and Collins. But these fools can't see the writing on the wall, or on the side of a van even as the Knacker arrives to take the faithful Boxer away.

Captain Kev has been wheeled out to pledge support for want away RVT and if Carlton signs, some bollocks will be released about how, after looking at all the alternatives, he was the best option available. But Carlton can't score and Everton and Cardiff both signed strikers at the end of the window with a proven record in the Prem. We have been betrayed and the management will be hugely culpable if their penny pinching gamble explodes in their face.

What was it that Benjamin said as Boxer was taken away by the butcher? "Fools, fools, fools! Can't you see what's written on the side of that van?" Well as Carlton is brought BACK from the knackers, let's hope to God it doesn't say relegation!

West Ham operating on wingers and a prayer!

What a joke, but, to quote The Smiths, that joke ain't funny anymore, it's too close to home and too near the bone!

The window has closed and unless transfer papers have been couriered in secret, Sullivan, Gold & Allardyce haves decided that plan B really is one plan too many. We have Andy Carroll, so why do we need anybody else?

True Carroll is injury prone. True we have lost 5 points already because we have nobody to play up top when Carroll is injured. And true Carroll tends to have barren spells even when playing. But none of that is a problem, it seems.

Who needs a striker? Who needs goals? We have Downing and Jarvis to pump the ball into the box, and the stats say that if you get the ball in the opposition box enough times in a game, you are bound to score. I mean, eventually, an opponent with nobody to mark will put the ball in his own bloody net!

This is mismanagement on a monumental scale. It threatens to be a long depressing season. And if we go down, Sullivan will get exactly what he deserves!

Allardyce calls for Tottenham Hotspur and Sunderland to be deducted points

Interesting. Backed into a bit of a corner in the post match Talk Bollocks interview, Allardyce repeated the myth that West Ham cannot buy without selling because of the new financial regulations for clubs in the Prem. A slightly intimidated interviewer had the audacity, like this blog, to raise the issue of Spurs and Sunderland, and Allardyce replied that it was down to the authorities to act.

Of course, he knows they won't. He knows the first checkpoint isn't until February of 2015, a date deliberately chosen to allow this and three further windows to slam shut, and he knows that the penalties have not even been specified and, legally, the "football authorities" wouldn't have a leg to stand on if they tried to retrospectively impose a penalty which hadn't been clarified at the time of the offence.

So, irrespective of the sale of Bale - which wasn't guaranteed when Spurs splurged the cash - we all know that Tottenham must have broken the salary rule. You're not going to tell me that the wages of those sold will cover those of the foreign legion brought in! And as for Sunderland, Di Canio has recruited 11 so far and is looking for more!

West Ham fans have been taken for mugs. We have surrendered five points anyway by not bringing in a half decent striker and suddenly a relegation battle looms because we are short of target after that defeat at home to Stoke and 4 points shy of what we got from the equivalent fixtures last season. But how many of the Claret and Blue Klan swallowed the propaganda of Sullivan just as they lapped up the warm milky words of The Grand Puppet Master Duxbury?

I wish I had been conducting that interview! My follow up question would have been, "So if there is any truth in this financial rules cobblers, why the fcuk did you spend the precious budget on Downing? Dead leg? How about dead brain, dead desire and dead ability?"

West Ham 0 Stoke 1 - Who needs POSSIBLE points deductions when we deduct them ourselves?

Well that served the club right. All that bollocks about potential points deductions if we buy somebody to play up front, and in the meantime we surrender five points anyway with goal less displays against Newcastle and Stoke.

We were dreadful today, and it all comes from having nobody to lead the line, with Maiga showing all the movement of a concrete pillar and all the physical strength of a cobweb. It comes to something when, in an effort to produce something in the box, Allardyce sends on an eighteen year old kid for the last few minutes!

With Spurs spending as if money has gone out of fashion, Sullivan has bullshitted the West Ham fans claiming we are tied by financial rules that don't really cut in for 18 months and which, anyway, only carry a vague threat of penalties. Instead of buying a striker, meanwhile, good money was spent on Downing who, thus far, has lived down to everything I have always thought about him.

So, instead of sitting securely near the top of the table after a kind opening round of fixtures, we already find ourselves looking over our shoulder wondering what is in store if Carroll doesn't come back firing. Today was depressing with a capital D!

Downing was awful. It was 16 minutes before he passed to a player in claret and blue and with Jarvis switching wings in an effort to get him into the game, our overall effectiveness was reduced as we strove to accommodate the Liverpool reject. Jarvis, meanwhile, was at his frustrating worst, standing up crosses all afternoon that even Rob Green could come and collect with impunity.

In central midfield, Nolan was absolutely anonymous and Noble was a bloody liability. And Diame was little better! There was no spark, no guile, no fluency - but then nothing was happening ahead of them with Maiga occupying a shirt but barely participating in the game. The failure to withdraw him says everything about the stupid composition of our squad - there just wasn't anybody else to play in the bloody position! God, I even found myself wishing we had Crouch or Jerome on the bench, it was that bad!

The Stoke goal was well taken but was our own fault with either Noble or Nolan giving the ball away in our own half and a clumsy foul on the edge of the box conceding the free kick. And sickeningly, one pathetic Maiga header apart, we didn't have a single chance all afternoon!

Get the cheque book out Sullivan and stop making excuses!

Player ratings: Jussi 6; Demel 5 (crossing awful!) Collins 8 Reid 8, O'Brien 6; Noble 2, Nolan 2, Diame 5; Jarvis 4, Downing 1, Maiga 0  Subs Morrison 5 Collison and Lee not on long enough to grade.

Half Time: West Ham 0 Stoke 0 - Blowing our lines rather than bubbles

The last time we had a chance to go top of the Prem for 24 hours, Bolton came to the Boleyn and Green made two terrible errors as we folded 3-1. And based on that first half, the team are intent on blowing the opportunity again.

The back 5 apart, we have been awful. Maiga has missed another nailed on opportunity, making a hash of a header from a rare Jarvis cross. Jarvis has been poor but has looked like Messi when compared to Downing who took until the 16th minute to pass the ball to a member of his own team. Nolan has been a passenger. Diame has looked lumbering. Noble has been caught in possession waiting for some movement, any movement, ahead of him. All the football has been played by Stoke and it is only thanks to some typical blood and thunder defending from Collins and Reid, that we are not behind.

The only encouraging news is that we surely can't be that bad in the second 45! Allardyce will be laying into the team as we speak, and texting Sullivan and Gold to say "Fcuk wage caps, I need a fcuking striker who at least knows what a fcuking goal looks like!"

Allardyce threatens Nolan and laments the loss of Diarra!

Ok, could you combine two more ridiculous statements in one headline without resorting to "Michael Gove saves British Education System as Nick Clegg's Lib Dems rocket ahead in the polls?", but it seems we have moved in to a truly parallel universe, where having played for Bolton doesn't guarantee you a place in the West Ham starting eleven, and being a lazy, sulky French tosser doesn't preclude a start!

Speaking after Diarra's injury ruled him out for the entire season, Allardyce waxed lyrical about how he was going to be a huge loss; so huge that we happily sent him out on loan last season! The big question is, with his wages presumably covered by an insurance policy, are we now at liberty to go out and sign a replacement? Or a striker perhaps? It must be said that, Allardyce apart, few will be lamenting the sidelining of a player who looked as if he was carrying a cruciate ligament injury even when supposedly fully fit. If Faubert was a TGV, this guy is the Glacier Express!

Even more remarkably, Allardyce warned Nolan that with Morrison playing out of his skin, the traditional first name on the team sheet may be under pressure for his place! True, the warning went out to Noble and Diame too, but Morrison is much more suited to Nolan's role, as his scoring record shows, than to the engine room of the team occupied by Mo and Mark, our very own Eminem.

God, if Allardyce drops Nolan and sells Vaz Te and Taylor, he really will be clearing out his Bolton closet!

Does Vaz Te have a point?

Of course, there's more than a dollop of irony involved when an ex Bolton man complains of getting a raw deal under Allardyce at West Ham, but the Portuguese enigma may be the exception that proves the rule. Two things set him apart from the typical Bolton player of course: he is skilful and he is lazy.

Now we all know that Allardyce demands 100% effort from everybody he selects, which is why Diarra is likely to be on the first available cross channel ferry, and so his relationship with RVT was always likely to be strained despite their previous association. But as Vaz Te says, the stats suggest that he has done an effective enough job whilst at West Ham.

But strangely, the West Ham fans seem to be as cool on him as his manager. In truth, of course, although we have always prided ourselves as the Academy of Football, like Allardyce, we have always valued highly a player who gives 100% when out on the pitch. Billy Bonds, Geoff Pike, Mark Noble, Paul Goddard, Martin Allen, Julian Dicks, Alvin Martin, Paul Konchesky, Steve Lomas, etcetera all won a fan club based around commitment and passion at least as much as skill.  And, of course, Vaz Te looks as passionate and committed as the Liberal Democrat rank and file are to Nick Clegg.

But have we put too much emphasis on body language and paid to little attention to the end product? Remember, we are in the Prem thanks to a Vaz Te goal against Blackpool! It now looks odds on he will leave, but I, for one, will be sorry to see him go.

Hardly a Gold Cup performance but Cheltenham win is better than an Aldershot defeat!

Well it is a relief that the game is out of the way to be honest. Vaz Te scored to make a case for being retained, and the Morrison hype machine received another boost with his strike. 2-1 against a team from the bottom division isn't anything to get excited about, but it's a bloody site better than losing 2-1 at home to Aldershot!

The performance did, however, suggest that the squad depth is not as great as some would have us believe; and Diarra's performance in particular was reportedly woeful. He is French and he doesn't want to be at West Ham so the sooner we offload another Le Sulk, the better for all concerned. And those who favour him over Noble really should put their hands up and admit to being very wrong indeed!

That's right Stani and Sav, bend at the elbow, tighten the muscles, point your fingers to the sky and...

Cheltenham a litmus test for season ahead

Cheltenham should present few if any problems, even if Allardyce selects a second string eleven, but the way we perform could be a clue to how the season will unfold. Every West Ham fan has obsessed about the need for another striker, but the Capital One Fan Cup will give us the opportunity to assess the ability and desire of a whole host of  alternative options to our perceived first team.

We already know that Morrison will get a start, and he seems to figure prominently in Allardyce's plans. It would be interesting to see Lletget and Lee too, both of whom figured in pre season games and appear to be on the fringe of the first team squad, although I would be worried if Pelly Ruddock were to start in a makeshift defence. Last season, Allardyce ripped into the back four after the humiliating exit at the hands of Wigan, but what did he expect when he started with Spence, Tomkins, Potts and McCartney? We can expect a defence of strangers again but hopefully it will include experience and talent in the form of Diarra, Rat and Tomkins.

Collison should get a start, as should Vaz Te who, if he scores, may yet get an opportunity to save his West Ham career. After his sloppy performance against Newcastle, Downing should also be given a run out.

With the need to avoid injuries, we will probably see a team something like this:

Adrian

 

O'Brien, Tomkins, Diarra, Rat

 

Collison, Morrison, Taylor, Lletget, Downing

 

Vaz Te

Parker starts Fulham career with defeat and booking

After narrowly escaping slipping down to the Championship following a bid from family friend 'Arry Redknapp, Scotty Parker found himself on the wrong end of an Arsenal tonking in his debut game for Fulham.

Not surprisingly, the Arsenal midfield over ran and outclassed Parker who, despite his energy and commitment, has always been found lacking when pitched in against top class opposition.

Jol was careful to praise his debutants after the game and talked of needing time to gel, but the Premiership doesn't give you a lot of breathing space. Fulham have now lost their last five home Premiership starts, a startling stat which explains why they narrowly escaped a relegation battle at the fag end of last season.

On paper Fulham look too good to go down, but at West Ham, we know that good looking paper teams can be torn to shreds if confidence dips. Fulham fans should also note that Taarabt (QPR), Parker (West Ham) and Bent (Charlton) have all suffered relegation from the Prem in their careers and, as QPR found to their cost last season (Wright-Phillips, Green, Dyer, Ben Haim, D J Campbell, Hoilett), players who have gone down once are a reasonable bet to go down again at some point in their careers.

The win at Sunderland, themselves probable relegation contenders, was not without good fortune so this may prove a long and tough season for Fulham and Parker. Still, if the Cottagers go down, Scotty may pick up Player of the Year again!

Is Sullivan spinning a yarn and taking West Ham fans for mugs?

Well if we are to believe David Sullivan, West Ham can't buy a new striker because of the new Premier League financial relegations. He cites some cobblers about the threat of possible points deductions and a £52m cap on the wage bill with an allowance to only increase wages by a total of £4m...blah, blah, blah.

It all sounds very credible until you look at Tottenham and Chelsea, to cite but two. Tell me, how exactly will Chelsea comply with these supposed regulations if they sign Rooney and Will I Am? Let's put the granny shagger on £120,000 per week and his arrival alone will inflate the Chelsea wage bill by £6.24m. The Brazilian, meanwhile, will be on a minimum of £100k per week, adding another £5.2m. Then there is Mourinho's salary, and the other new arrivals. And what about all the new arrivals at Spurs ahead of the departure of Bale and even Parker. Are Chelsea  and Spurs risking a points deduction?

The answer to that is, of course they're not, because the first test for compliance is not until February 2015 so no penalties can cut in until then, and points are not going to be retrospectively deducted are they? Is Sullivan seriously suggesting that, in the middle of a subsequent season, a club will be penalised with a points deduction for an offence committed the previous season? Cobblers!

And if this was a genuine issue, would we have purchased Downing given all the cover we already had for the flanks? We need a striker, that is obvious, and an extra midfielder was a luxury, not a necessity.

Something doesn't make sense here. I hope Sullivan is simply trying to drive down the price of a player we are trying to sign by pleading poverty. If not, he appears to be taking West Ham fans for mugs.

Tottenham Hotspur find the perfect Bale replacement - and no transfer fee was involved!

So, two Premiership games in to the post Bale era - with matches against the mighty Crystal Palace and Swansea no less - and Spurs have managed two goals...both penalties! All that money spent on midfielders and strikers, and no goal has been fashioned from open play in 180 minutes of football! How pathetic is that?

But then, Spurs fans will be quick to point out that the two games have yielded six points so why do they care? And without Bale, it seems the Cockyfools have unearthed a new match winner already. With two assists so far, step forward the new hero of Tottenham Hotspur...the bloody referee!

Ravel the Brazilian!

You have to laugh. Morrison arrived in the Prem wearing gloves in August and with his name changed on his back, Brazilian style, to the much more catchy Ravel. Talk about Mr Precious and Mr Ego!

But I'm not about to criticise the decision. How could I when I have supported the Hull City Tigers name change?

Morrison is far too common a name. If it was Waitrose, fair enough, that has a whiff of quality about it, but if you were called Asda, Tesco, Lidl or Aldi, would you want the name emblazoned on the back of your football shirt?

Mind you, Ravel has apparently had the supermarket's adverts plastered all around the corridors of the Boleyn, screaming out to Allardyce, "Fresh choice for you!" and "More of what matters!".

And let's face it, whatever the boy chooses to wear on the back of his shirt, and given his history some would argue it should simply be "C*nt", all that matters is his performance on the field. We didn't have long enough to judge him yesterday, but he was involved in the disallowed goal so that has to be promising.

Ravel, the English Brazilian. We would all be happy with that!

For a report on yesterday's thriller at St James's Park, follow this link:

http://thegamesgonecrazy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/newcastle-0-west-ham-0-defence-make.html

Newcastle 0 West Ham 0 - Defence make a point as chances are scorned

Well it's not a game that will live long in the memory but that's true of the two previous matches between the two sides, a 0-0 draw at Upton Park and our 1-0 win in Geordieland last season. But had Nolan or Maiga buried great headed chances, we would have won again.

Defensively we were excellent, until the 92nd minute when an intended cross came back off the far post and fell invitingly at the feet of Gouffran, who missed from two feet! Pardew would have scored that one with his pants around his ankles and a player's wife bent over in front of him blocking his view of the ball!

But that really was Newcastle's one chance in the game, and that was a freakish accident. Demel and O'Brien controlled the flanks superbly, Reid and Collins were totally in control down the middle, and the midfield screened the back four tirelessly. Time and again, a Newcastle player in possession looked up and saw a wall of claret and blue. We weren't parking the bus, when we had the ball we attacked, we were just brilliantly organised, committed and disciplined. Noble and Diame, in particular, worked like the proverbial Trojan, chasing back, closing space, niggling at the man on the ball, slamming the door shut on any gaps and looking to springboard attacks when we won back the ball.

And we created chances. Maiga should have scored with an unchallenged header in the first half. Nolan had an even better chance in the second but, like Maiga, headed wide. Reid was agonisingly close twice in the first half. And Maiga had a goal struck off for offside, when the ball fell to him unmarked following a deflection.

The spirit was excellent, typified by the disappointment shown by Downing and Diame when they were substituted. It was pissing down, and West Ham players of yore would have been more than happy to make an early exit from a soggy game in the North East - but this lot are hungry!

Four points from six and no goals conceded to date. The opposition haven't looked great but we are playing without Carroll and had he been fit for today's game I have no doubt we would have collected maximum points. It wasn't thrilling but it was a huge improvement on the five goal hammering in our relegation season!

Player ratings: Jussi 5 (nothing to do!); Demel 7, Reid 8, Collins 8, O'Brien 8; Noble 7, Diame 8; Downing 6, Nolan 6, Jarvis 7; Maiga 6 Subs: Cole 6, Morrison 5

Half Time Newcastle 0 West Ham 0 - So far so good!

Well it hasn't been the most exciting game so far but Allardyce won't be concerned about that. We have looked compact, Jussi hasn't been troubled so far, and the three best chances have fallen to us.

Reid could have two now, so nearly connecting first with a Maiga flick on, and then with a free kick from deep from Collins. Downing and Maiga combined really should have scored after an excellent pass inside the full back and down the line by O'Brien & a superb cross from Jarvis. Downing headed the ball back across goal when perhaps she should have gone for goal, and Maiga either failed to anticipate or was blocked off.

The best chance fell to Maiga, with a free header in the six yard box which he somehow deflected wide of the goal. With Carroll playing, that would have been 1-0.

Newcastle will have to show more in the second half, but thus far, Diame and Noble have shielded the back four superbly and the defence have been on their game. One goal could win this!

Thank God we side stepped Anelka!

Let's face it, Anelka would have been a classic West Ham signing, being over the hill by a good two years by the time he would consider a move to us; and, of course, he is a former Bolton man. But this time, we resisted, no doubt because of absurdly inflated wage demands, and allowed Steve Clarke to sign the man who typifies everything that is loathsome about French footballers.

Well, one game into the season, and Old Nick is rumoured to have retired from the game following the death of the most important person in his life - outside of his own reflection in the mirror of course - his agent.

Now you can understand why multi millionaire Anelka is distressed by the death of the man who engineered his moves and negotiated his mega money contracts; and without him, why would he want to go on exactly?

But then again, if he retires, his income stream will come to a juddering halt. So expect Anelka to see out the season for the Baggies, just don't expect him to break sweat too often. He has the perfect excuse now, a season long dose of depression.

Cheeky Crystal Palace Chump Chamakh in Lying Claim

So, after signing for the mighty Crystal Palace, prize chump Chamakh, who along with Pogatetz made a determined bid for a place in the Worst Ever West Ham Eleven side last season, has accused Allardyce of "lying" because he wasn't given game time at Upton Park.

What is that if not a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black? Never mind Allardyce lying, surely we could "do" either Chamakh himself or Arsenal under the Trades Description Act for sending us a player purporting to be a Premiership striker.

Palace have probably landed an excellent signing, however, as Pogatetz can spend a season settling in before, hopefully, finding his level next season in the Championship.

Mind you, Chamakh has stirred things for Diarra by claiming that the sulky Frenchman warned him about Allardyce in advance. Expect Alou to go out on loan again before the window closes!

Newcastle's Remy, Taylor and Gutierrez all missing for West Ham game

Well that's a turn up for the books! Usually players return fit and hungry for a game against West Ham (even Michael Owen!) so when you read that three of the opposition's first choice players will not be taking the field, you have to smile and wonder if our fortunes are changing.

It would be even better, of course, if Cabaye were deemed not to be right mentally for the game, with a switch to either Arsenal or Paris SG looking more and more probable. In fact, it might be an idea for Sullivan and Gold to "go public" on a £20m bid for the talented midfielder on the eve of the game, prompting Wenger to make another bid on the morning of the match.

Pardew is asking the Newcastle fans to judge him after three games, which suggests a degree of confidence ahead of back to back home games against West Ham and Fulham. But Pardew was confident ahead of the Sunderland game at the back end of last season, and look what happened there!

Nolan will have his tail up for this fixture of course but Newcastle will come out of the blocks fast, anxious to make up for the tonking at the Etihad. We will need to be mentally strong and organised at the back as we won this fixture last season and need to conjure up 47 points this time around just to stand still.

No Carroll of course, but Newcastle are without at least three key men so...

Well said David Gold for knocking Newcastle and Manchester City!

It may not be wise to wind them up, especially when we are playing Newcastle at the weekend, but Gold got it absolutely right when he called the two line ups, for last night's game,  a "disgrace" because there were only three Englishmen amongst the 22 starters - and one of those was sent off!

This is a World Cup year and it is shameful that Premiership clubs are not doing more to help the national team's cause. We have seen what has happened to the Scottish national side because of the selfishness of the Glasgow clubs, and there is a real danger of England going the same way.

Counting our Celtic and Irish players, we could field virtually an all British 11, with players in correct positions:

AN Other: O'Brien, Tomkins, Collins, Tayor: Noble; Cole, Nolan, Morrison; Jarvis, Downing; Carroll

And that is without playing any kids, Collison or McCartney!

I know the Treaty of Rome ties our hands a bit, but it would be easy to ban all non EU players from the game if clubs show a contempt for the national team.

Tottenham's Parker sidesteps QPR to join Fulham

So Scotty's agent has done it again, negotiating another 3 year contract which keeps the injury prone, ageing, running round in circles, midfield spinning dynamo in the Prem and so in with a shout of going to Brazil...well in Scotty's mind at least.

Redknapp must be fuming. 'Arry went out on a limb when pushing the case for signing Parker when at Spurs and Levy clearly wasn't keen on the deal, preferring to invest in younger players whose value might spiral - like Bale - rather than old lags with depreciation stamped all over their foreheads. 'Arry won the day and got his man, but Levy had his card marked from that point forward.

The Parker groupies will again make their case for the ever spinning action figure, but AVB didn't rate him and Wenger has never shown any interest. Why? Because the guy is so limited.

QPR fans should be rejoicing at the news that Parker has opted for Fulham  - because as those legs get older, the injuries are likely to multiply and Scotty's all action style is going to be more and more difficult to maintain.

Who will buy Matt Taylor?

Leeds United were linked with him, but cash strapped Leeds have to shrink their existing wage bill so won't be able to afford Taylor anytime over the next decade. 'Arry had him at Portsmouth when Pompey stormed the division, but QPR are being linked with Konchelsky and surely even Fernandes will put a cap on the number of over paid thirty somethings Redknapp is allowed to bring in. So who else might be interested?

I suppose the promoted clubs might fancy him as a squad player. Adkins witnessed first hand what a twat the guy can be when he was sent off against Southampton, so Reading are unlikely to offer. How about Celtic? He could do a job in Scotland and might fancy a tilt at the Champions League, but can Celtic afford him?

Blackburn could afford him but have not expressed any interest. Perhaps a Turkish club? Well if they take Anton, they will take anybody! Or the States perhaps?

One thing's for sure, Matty is surplus to requirements at Upton Park and the sooner we ship him out, the better.

Will Di Canio and Sunderland have a parting of ways before Christmas?

One game in and the pressure is already on. The fixture list has not been kind to Sunderland and with the club notoriously bad travellers, there is a danger that Il Duce's Black Shirts could be cut adrift come the end of October.

Just how the Italian will cope with the pressure of losing regularly will be interesting to see. This is the man who once demanded to be substituted at West Ham because the referee wouldn't give him penalties. To say that his temperament is brittle is the understatement of the year!

His first mistake of the season was probably to go into the first game with five new faces in the team. Allardyce has received criticism for sticking with 11 players who were at the club at the end of last season to start the game against Cardiff, but it probably makes sense to ease players in, gently blending the ingredients together, rather than stirring the mix violently and hoping for a dramatic reaction.  Messers Rat and Downing will get their chance soon, and Morrison may also get into the mix, but we ended last season well, so why fix what isn't broken?

The same isn't true of Sunderland, of course. Yes Di Canio got an initial reaction but if you explode a bomb in a dressing room, even the most lethargic players will react - a certain Danny Graham excepted of course. However, once the blood was cleaned from the walls, Sunderland reverted to type - and they are a moderate and grossly overpaid bunch.

Mistake number two may be the creation of a divided dressing room, with the Di Canio Foreign Legion parachuted in over the summer. Ten new faces already, and Il Duce reckons he needs another five. So, no long term future for any of the players already at the club when he arrived presumably? You can hear the mutterings of dissent down in London!

Fulham at home was a gimme fixture which Sunderland needed to win. The opening day defeat has pricked the Di Canio bubble and there may be big trouble ahead!

Why were Diarra and Vaz Te brought on rather than Morrison?

Ok, I don't want to gripe after an excellent opening day win - albeit we were playing Cardiff, not Man City - but the decision to overlook Morrison completely was somewhat irritating.

The kid has had a truly brilliant pre season and it would have been exciting to see him given a run out, even if only used as a sub. Fair enough to bring on Downing, the fans were anxious to see him on the pitch too, but why waste time with Vaz Te when everybody already knows what he can and can't do?

Just imagine the joy had Ravel come on and scored! Barkley started and shone for Everton at Norwich, showing the benefit of giving a kid his head. And a toothless Cardiff were the perfect opposition to give Morrison his Premiership bow.

Let's hope Allardyce doesn't provoke the wrong sort of Ravel reaction by constantly overlooking him. The boy has ability and deserves a chance sooner rather than later.

Mark Noble has a mare as West Ham defeat Cardiff in season opener

Well what do you do with the guy? Mr PR, all smiles and on message statements and no crucial contributions on the pitch, Mark Noble gave his usual anonymous, mistake ridden performance.

True he assisted our second goal with a one two and a superb driving run at the heart of the Cardiff defence before releasing Nolan to score, but anybody can get lucky.

True too, in the first half, he played a pin point, perfectly timed pass through to Joe Cole, which the former England man really should have buried. But anybody can get lucky twice.

And true thrice that he played another brilliant pass, from half way line onto the toe of Jarvis on the edge of the penalty box, which really should have led to another goal, but we've all heard the saying, three times lucky!

Of course, Noble will talk his way out of trouble and into Allardyce's team with his nodding dog, PR performance, but better judges than Big Sam, Avram, Zola and Curbishley will all point to the free kick he gave away and a number of stray passes in the game.

So what that Noble was the holding midfielder and West Ham kept a clean sheet? So what that Noble chalked up one assist and created two other nailed on scoring opportunities? The guy's a clown and is only in the team because he is an arse licker.

The West Ham Academy? Local boy doing the club proud? Don't make me laugh!

Bonds award a clever ploy to set the mood for Cardiff game

I don't mean this in a cynical way, but making an award to Bonzo before the Cardiff game can't do us any harm, with the fans stoked up for the battle by recognising a genuine West Ham hero.

When "outsiders" are asked to nominate the West Ham greats from the last 50 years, names like Moore, Hurst, Peters and Brooking would, of course, feature on everybody's list. But for many West Ham fans, Bonds would feature in the top three. In fact, for me, he is second only to Moore.

For those who supported the club through the seventies and eighties, there will be many fond memories of Bonds, either as a rampaging right back, as a hard tackling, enforcing, midfielder or as a centre back; and it is one of the great football mysteries how he managed to go an entire career without picking up a single England cap, albeit he was called up once and had to withdraw through injury.

Two memories of Bonds stand out for me and both, in their way, typify the man. The first was at The Dell, Southampton, when Galbraith made the mistake of grabbing Bonds by his tackle as a free kick was about to be taken. Bonds went absolutely psycho and literally chased the Scot around the pitch trying to land one on him.

The second didn't even involve Bonds himself. It was White Hart Lane and an ancient Bonds had been recalled. Some of the players had ambled onto the pitch as a disabled fan was being wheeled around the touchline when a cry came from a wag to the right of me of "Billy's out for his warm up!". The point is, Bonds would have climbed out of a wheel chair to play for the club.

Bonds, of course, went on to manage Millwall, but not even that counts against him in the eyes of West Ham fans. The guy is a genuine legend, and so he should be after playing a jaw dropping 663 league games for the club.

One thing's for sure, if the current crop play with 50% of Billy's desire, Cardiff will be swept aside with no problems this afternoon!

Can we afford to let Vaz Te go to Nottingham Forest?

With Forest rumoured to be interested in Vaz Te, the question arises, can we afford to let him go? He may not be Premiership class but he can play up front, and we have precious few players who can do that.

Allardyce may be bluffing of course, but he claims we are not going to sign anybody else, so as things stand we have an injured Carroll, an inadequate Maiga and Vaz Te, plus the promising but raw Lee.

The only other option is to play without a conventional striker, using Nolan, Morrison and Cole in the fashion that Everton used Felaini and Cahill. With Downing and Jarvis stretching the opposition down the flanks, this could be an exciting option, but it seems a very progressive formation for lump it long Allardyce to adopt.

Can Nolan lead the line? I don't see why not, and with Cole and Morrison running beyond him, defences may not know who to mark.

But for Cardiff it is likely to be Maiga. Let's hope he is up to the job!

Allardyce's Midfield Headache

(Article submitted by Stani)

With the season all set to kick off, it will be interesting to see the first choice midfield Sam Allardyce chooses to go with. Personally, I think he'll have a bit of a headache which he'll try to relieve by cramming the midfield with 5 rather than the braver choice of 4. This will mean little game time for Maiga and any other striker we get in as Carroll will obviously be Allardyce's main man when fit..

The returning Ravel Morrison has been our standout player in pre-season, and there is also the summer addition of youngster Danny Whitehead and the likely acquisition of Stewart Downing, so Allardyce does have more options to consider in midfield than the end of last season.

If we sign Stewart Downing then I'm prepared to give him a chance, but I'm not sure I like the way we're heading in terms of the style of football we hope to play. Also, too much is being designed around Carroll, which could cause us a lot of problems should his injury problems continue.

Matt Jarvis has a lot to prove this season, and I would be prepared to give him the opportunity on our left to do so this campaign. My gut feeling is he'll never be the player Allardyce thought he was. We spent a huge sum of money on him and so far he's not given any reasons for Allardyce to be able to justify the price the club paid for him.

It will be interesting to see how the manager accommodates both Jarvis and Downing in the side, or if he is able to at all. We have a number of midfielders to choose from and most of them would harbour hopes of being first choice starters.

Regulars to the site will know I'm not the biggest fan of the limited Mark Noble, and with the squad improving this season, I expect him to play a bit part role if Allardyce is honest with himself and brave enough to drop him. It would mean finding someone else to play that role of sitting deep and shielding the back four, and Mohamed Diame would be my man. He would have to temper the attacking side to his game, but with the likes of Nolan, Joe Cole and ravel Morrisson in my team, that side of things will be taken care of. That is not to say Diame will not get forward; of all our midfielders, he is most capable of doing so from such a deep lying position.

My first team:

Carrol
Nolan/Maiga
Jarvis /Downing Morrison Cole
Diame
Rat Reid Collins Demel
Adrian

This would be an exciting side to go with, but the season just gone has shown us that Allardyce tended to err on the safe side both in terms of team personnel and tactics, even when there was a case for the team to be more expressive.

So, with a fully fit squad to choose from, who would your starting midfield be?

Mohamed Diame, Alou Diarra, Jack Collison, Matthew Jarvis, Ravel Morrison, Mark Noble, Kevin Nolan, Matthew Taylor, Ricardo Vaz Te, Danny Whitehead, Joe Cole, Stewart Downing

Full marks to Sullivan & Gold - Again!

OK, I'm not a big fan of Downing, but if he is unveiled as a West Ham player tomorrow, you have to give huge credit to the owners again. After shelling out somewhere between £12m and £15m for Carroll, many of us thought that we would pad out the squad with loan signings and cheapies, but the Board had different ideas. The signing of Downing shows commitment and ambition the like of which we have rarely, if ever, known at Upton Park.

And it seems as if we can expect at least one more signing, with Allardyce demanding another striker. Finding the right man may now prove even more tricky, because with the sudden abundance of offensive midfielders, there's unlikely to be a berth on the flanks when Carroll is back in the team, so we need somebody happy to play second fiddle but good enough to step up to the plate when called upon. That man could have been Grant Holt but he is now at Wigan so God only knows who the club has in mind. Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing Tottenham's Kane in on loan. He is big, skilful and knows where the net is.

Given Allardyce stereotypically bypasses the midfield, it is amazing how many midfielders we now have in the squad: Nolan, Diame, Cole, Morrison, Jarvis, Downing (if he signs), Noble, Collison, Diarra, Vaz Te...we can now name an outfield of 10 midfield specialists! (Plus Taylor!) And we are still being linked with Barton and a Swedish international! This suggests that one or two might be let go and everybody will be hoping that Diame isn't on his way out for a big ticket fee. And quite a few of us will be praying that Noble stays too!

It seems that the days of us being a selling club really are a thing of the past, however. Duxbury made that claim, and promptly sold Bellamy & Collins, but now any sale really will be because Allardyce is happy to part with the player or because he spies a better value alternative.

We are not alone in spending big, of course. Cardiff and Swansea have invested big money and Norwich have brought in seven new players. The Sky money has encouraged a much greater sense of financial adventure.

Nevertheless, the Board's investment in the squad since bringing in Allardyce has been immense. Nolan signalled their intent. Jarvis shocked us. Carroll, on loan even, amazed us. And now Downing has come like a bolt from the Claret and Blue. I was suspicious of Sullivan and Gold when they arrived, but I was wrong. They really have done a fantastic job so far!

West Ham Fight Club target Liverpool's Sterling as well as Downing & QPR's Barton?

Never mind bruising the football using Allardyce's lump it long tactics, it's looking like West Ham are following Hull City Tiger's example, by seeking a name change to West Ham Fight Club.

We already have Andy Carroll and Ravel Morrison on the books, so just imagine what it will be like if we sign serial thug Barton, alleged girl friend beater Raheem Sterling (on loan) and Stewart Downing, who was arrested in January after an alleged assault!

Add in two alleged rapists who we were rumoured to be trying to sign, and it's not a very pretty picture is it?

West Ham Fight Club would work quite well as a name with Allardyce in charge and would signal a complete break with our soft bellied past and, whilst we are about it, we could perhaps adopt the name, the Boxing Academy of Football!

QPR's Barton to West Ham, Noble to Sunderland?

West Ham fans who have campaigned against Noble for years may be about to get their just deserts with rumours that we have revived interest in signing Joey Barton. The deal would only make sense if Allardyce is considering cashing in on Noble.

Di Canio, of course, has seen a lot of Noble, watching West Ham games over the years. He understands Noble's qualities and knows that he is a leader on the pitch. Allardyce has been a fan up until now, but he has worked with Barton before so it is hard to dismiss the story out of hand.  That said, we have been linked with Barton more often than we have been linked with Beckham, so this may still be lazy journalism. I hope so!

Just imagine Barton, Carroll and Morrison in the same dressing room. Never mind Hull City Tigers, we could rebrand as West Ham Fight Club or West Ham Total C**TS.

Of course, the logical move would be for Barton to link up with Di Canio at Sunderland. They are both big on fascist salutes after all!

Will John Terry offer his condolences to former Hammer, Sunderland and QPR man Anton Ferdinand?

How the not so mighty have fallen! I admit to defending Anton when he was a West Ham player but I couldn't believe what Blunderland paid for him, and it remains hugely ironic that Curbishley walked because the Board pocketed absurd amounts of dosh from the sale of Pug and McCartney. Nani was clueless when it came to recruitment, but when it came to disposal, his record wasn't at all bad!

Anton's career went backwards fast at Sunderland, not helped by being played at right back, left back and in midfield, but that didn't stop QPR shelling out for him - but then QPR bought anything that could move didn't they? Or not move in the case of Green at corners!

Anton's first game under 'Arry's gaze saw him come on at Old Trafford with QPR on course for a shock result. As soon as his boots touched the turf, the Mancs scored before adding another two in the remaining minutes. I said then that Ferdinand would never play again for the Hula Hoops and I was almost right, with Redknapp quickly dispatching his turkey to Turkey. And now his inflated contract has been terminated with extreme prejudice.

And talking extreme prejudice, Anton will for ever be remembered for throwing his toys out of the pram when John Terry said something not very nice to him. Spying an opportunity to displace Terry from the England captaincy so big brother could wear the armband again, Ferdinand made a black pudding out of a little bad blood, and destroyed team England in the process. But why would the Ferdinands worry about that ahead of a major international championship?

So where now for Anton? An extended stay in Turkey perhaps? I'm sure Terry will be on the phone offering his condolences, calling it a "F***ing black day for English football" and pointing out that 'Arry might have made a mistake because football isn't a "F***ing black and white game" and expressing the hope that Redknapp will get a "F***ing black eye" for sacking Anton.

Any abiding memories of Anton in Claret and Blue, apart from that fantastic goal at Fulham?

Downing from Liverpool? Will we never learn?

Dear God, let's hope the rumour is wrong. Why the hell would any club pay £6m for that perennial underachiever?

OK, I accept that we could do with some more pace in the team, but the guy is approaching 30 and has never been anything other than an ordinary player. In many ways, he embodies the demise of Liverpool FC, a mediocre player who would never have got anywhere near their squad during the great years. Like Milner, he has far too many England caps; in fact, one international cap is one too many.

Yes, as a kid at Miserablebrough he looked half decent, but his potential has never been realised and it was an act of gross folly when Liverpool forked out a fortune to buy him.

Of course, the big concern must be that money is being spent to strengthen an area of the team that does not especially need strengthening. We have Cole, Jarvis, Vaz Te, Morrison, Maiga and Collison who can play wide; what we urgently need is a striker who can play down the middle!

Will West Ham consider a name change as well as a change of stadium?

Exciting developments at Hull, with the club moving with the times and changing their name to improve branding opportunities. Bored by old fashioned Hull City, Egyptian owner Assem Allam has decided to incorporate the club's nickname into the official title of the club. No doubt the City will be dropped altogether in due course, and Hull will become Hull Tigers or simply, The Tigers.

Wolverhampton Wanderers led the way some time ago, of course, with their name readily abbreviating to The Wolves and Tottenham are known as The Spurs. For some clubs, this new trend will be very simple to adopt. Should the Dildo Brothers adopt West Hammers, it may upset the purists, but The Hammers versus The Tigers has a feisty ring about it for the Sky marketing boys. Arsenal Gunners also works easily of course. Southampton Saints is another good one and the Glasgow clubs already operate as Rangers and Celtic.

However, for some clubs, the nickname doesn't have the right ring about it. Leeds Whites may be deemed racist or cowardly. Leicester Foxes has a mangy sound about it. Liverpool Reds works, I suppose, but isn't very exciting and other clubs might argue they have as much right to the name. Everton Toffees doesn't sound terribly imposing, does it? And Newcastle Toons sounds a bit too Looney Tunes even for a club that has a slapstick feel about it 99% of the time. As a contributor says below, the real nickname is The Magpies, and that could work I suppose but it doesn't really sound aggressive does it?

So what names might clubs adopt into the future? Leeds Cloggers works for me or the club could go the whole hog and opt for either Damned or Bastard United. Liverpool Cheats has a nice ring about it, given the commitment to retaining Suarez and the number of benefit claimants residing in the city.

How about Leicester? Well given the car park excavations, maybe the Leicester Hunchbacks could work. The Newcastle Barcodes also works, given all the players have a price under Ashley, or maybe the Newcastle Frogs would be more suitable given the composition of the squad and the way the team croaks every time they get a sniff of a trophy. Millwall? How about The Scum?

Any other suggestions? 

Braga defeat must force Sullivan's hand

OK, the result is irrelevant and the game will be very quickly forgotten - one of the most tepid matches in the history of football with a total exclusion zone around both goal mouths apparently agreed before kick off - but the 90 or so sterile minutes illustrated perfectly our desperate need for another striker to both back up and support Carroll.

Season after season we fail to address the most glaring weakness in the squad until either just before the window slams shut or in January. In recent seasons there has been a crying need for a left back which has been stubbornly ignored. We now have Boomtown Rat and the maturing Potts so that little hole has been filled.

The right backs - O'Brien and Demel - are not going to compete for Player of the Year any time soon, but between them they can do a job. And with Collins, Tomkins, Reid and Diara (if he stays), we seem to have enough cover at centre back. Defensively we were ok against both Sporting (who would never have scored without the referee's assists) and Braga, and that epic defensive display against Liverpool at Anfield is still fresh in my mind.

Jussi is a worry because he made two bad mistakes against Sporting but Adrian looked ok and a better understudy than the mugs we have given a salary to over the last few seasons. Boffin anybody? Nevertheless, a new keeper may be a priority come January.

The midfield still lacks pace. Noble screened the back four well against Sporting and his range of passing was, as usual, good. Diame, providing his heart is still in it, is a class act. Nolan is Nolan. He missed a sitter against Sporting but scored a typical sniffer's goal in the second half. He won't open up defences with his passing, and he certainly won't do it with his pace, but he is our most penetrative player going forward, even with Carroll in the team.

The most exciting news is the emergence of Morrison. He scored two superb goals against Sporting, and against Braga showed his willingness to take on players and the skill to force them into fouls. If he can keep his head straight, he could be a huge plus this season.

Collison is Collison, a perfect sub who will run his heart out and pop up in the box to score the odd important goal. What about Diarra? He should be good enough to hold down a place in the team but, as with Diame, so much will depend on his commitment to the cause.

Jarvis remains frustrating. The potential is there, and his completed crosses record is surprisingly good, but too often he drifts out of games. That said, with Carroll in the team, Jarvis is a must to supply the ammunition. Then there is Joe Cole. He put in a shift against Sporting and, crucially, looked fit. The skill is undeniable, the heart is beating for the fans and the club, so maybe, just maybe, he could be born again this season.

But up front? Vaz Te is too languid and Miaga too fitful. We need a striker and we need him now, not two or three games into the new season, especially with Carroll injured.

Get your finger out Sullivan! And make sure it is gripping the cheque book!

Unsporting Lisbon 2 West Ham 3 - A Ravelation!

Am I missing something? Sporting Lisbon are a pretty good team aren't they? And this was just a pre season friendly wasn't it? So how comes we outplayed them, scored three times without Carroll and Diame in the team, and the match was played in a ferocious fashion with the Lisbon coaching staff doing their nuts when we scored and when only 3 minutes added time was allowed at the end of the game?

Anybody who didn't see the game might think we were lucky but they couldn't be more wrong. Lisbon's first goal was a decidedly dodgy penalty and their second came from a free kick that should never have been awarded: Cole was fouled but he was penalised in a ridiculous decision. DRS would clearly have shown a hotspot around Cole's rib cage!

By the time Lisbon scored that second goal, we had Elliot Lee on up front, Sebastian Lletget on for Nolan and, most amazingly of all, one Pelly Ruddock in the centre of defence in place of Tomkins. Add in Morrison, who started, and that is four kids whose combined age might just about add up to Jussi's!

The goals were superb. The first came from a Boomtown (on at half time) throw, with Maiga back heading the ball into the six yard box and Nolan drifting in behind his marker to steer into an empty net. We were still cheering when Boomtown slipped a pass into Morrison and Ravel buried a shot into the corner from 25 yards. Brilliant! Then Cole sent in a cross and who was that rising, Carroll fashion, on the edge of the six yard box to glance home a header? Only Ravel again! This kid may be good as well as a thuggish arsehole!

Unsporting's goals apart, with both credited to the referee for the assist, we were rarely troubled. Reid made a brilliant goal line clearance after a fantastic twisting run by Carrillo, but that was genuinely it. We bossed the bloody game!

Of course, the last time we had a great pre season was under Avram so we shouldn't get too carried away, but Boomtown looked good, Maiga looked a bit better than last season, and Morrison was, excuse the pun, a ravelation! Add in Carroll, Diame and Collins and who knows, it could be an exciting season!

We even drew a mysterious penalty shoot out at the end of the game. Lee scored his which is promising. Morrison missed his. But who cares?

Player ratings: Jussi 4 (two bad errors); O'Brien 6, Tomkins 6, Reid 8, Taylor 5; Noble 6;
 Morrison 8, Nolan 7; Jarvis 6, Cole 7; Maiga 6 Subs: Rat 7, Lletget 6, Lee 6, Ruddock 5 (wasn't he a striker when we signed him?)

Half Time - Lisbon 1 West Ham 0 - Anything but sporting!

Hang on a mo, somebody should tell both sets of players that this is a pre season friendly, not a winner takes all show down. Some of the tackles have been distinctly tasty and at one point, both teams were on the point of a mass brawl after Maiga was trampled on. Very unseemly.

Up until the award of the dodgy penalty in the last seconds of the half, we looked pretty good and should have been ahead, with Nolan missing a sitter after a Morrison shot - yes Ravel is playing at last - rebounded off the post straight to Captain Kev in the six yard box. Two things to say here. Best he misses them in friendlies and it's good to see that knack of being in the right place at the right time persists.

Defensively we have been good, with Reid and Tomkins looking assured, Noble screening them effectively, O'Brien doing his usual tidy job at right back and Taylor slotting in at left back. Anyone know where Boomtown is? Shopping in Harrods with Florin perhaps? But then again, he probably just doesn't like Mondays.

Jarvis has been poor. Cole has put in a shift. Maiga looks stronger physically but just as frail mentally. Haven't really noticed Morrison apart from that shot. Taylor conceded the penalty and lost possession to start the move. Jussi has missed one corner, flapping in a Green like fashion, and spilt a long shot which went straight into his chest.

Not a bad work out. No shame this far. Team looks fit, physical and up for a fight. Well, what do you expect with Allardyce in charge?

Why is Remy on his way to Newcastle?

So what the hell is going on? Why are we letting Loic Remy join the French Foreign Legion in Newcastle rather than snapping him up for the bargain £2m that the Barcodes are rumoured to paying for his services for a season long loan?

Once again, we are playing brinkmanship as the new season approaches. We all know we need a striker, we don’t need Sullivan Junior to tell us that, and we aint going to get one for less than £2m.

True, Remy’s wages will set Newcastle back a small fortune, but he looks to be well worth the money, providing he can keep his hands off the Geordie lasses.

There’s only one deal that will make this bearable and that’s if Big Chief Demba Ba returns following Chelsea’s capture of Shrek.

We are supposedly targeting a top ten finish, but with Carroll as our only out and out striker, that seems very, very ambitious. We need a striker and we need him fast. Remy would have been perfect. Ba would be good. We don’t want another Chamakh!

But even Jack the Twitter knows that!

Danny Gabbidon returning to Prem with Crystal Palace!

Incredible, you can't keep an old yard dog down it seems. Despite Doing a Dyer and spending most of the season in the treatment room, ex Hammer Danny Gabbidon has been given a one year contract extension and will be playing in the Prem again next season.

Palace were already nailed on favourites to go down. This news should shorten their odds still further! What's Upson up to? Perhaps Palace could sign him too. And Anton may want to return from Turkey. And Dyer may fancy a return to the Prem too. And Palace are already interested in Carlton.

If Holloway quits, perhaps Avram could make a return to English football!

Negredo bid shows intent and Liverpool's Suarez would be happy!

Ok the bid was rejected, and ok, Negredo was, like Carroll, reluctant to make the move to the Boleyn, but the fact the bid was made shows the determination of Sullivan and Gold to push on from last season.

Was Negredo seen as an alternative or as a partner for Carroll? If the latter, that is very exciting; if the former, it shows that we are not going to stand for any nonsense from the pony tailed pillock. Maybe, just maybe, the club is opening up the possibility of him spending a year in Liverpool's stiffs.

Negredo would be a fabulous addition to the squad and to the Prem, should it prove possible to coax him into making the move, but that is probably unlikely. Which is a shame for Suarez should he stay at Liverpool, because then there would be one player in England that he could call Negredo with out fear of a ten match suspension. That said, I'm not sure what the Sevilla man tastes like!

And the winner of the second prize at Leeds...

Good to see the Yorkshire club honouring at least one of its promises to the fans with the Official Site announcing the winner of the competition to win two season tickets for 2013-14.

Mind you, if the first prize was two season tickets, we are left wondering what the second prize was? Five season tickets perhaps?

West Ham hold all the cards as Liverpool and Newcastle cold shoulder Carroll

So Liverpool don't want him. And Newcastle aren't interested either. Which leaves Carroll with nowhere else to go. Now, given we hold all the cards, it's time to offer Liverpool a revised deal.

First off, they should be required to meet a percentage of Carroll's wages. They were bloody foolish enough to pay him 100k per week and they are desperate to get him off the wage bill. Fine. So we should alleviate some of that financial pressure, but not all of it.

Then there's the transfer fee. Fifteen million sounds toppy to me in the present market. Let's shave it down to twelve, with add ons based on goals scored and appearances.

And finally there's the issue of Carroll's injury. Let's ensure there's a clause in the deal protecting us should that injury turn out to be worse than first thought. We don't want Carroll arriving half fit, like Dean Ashton!

West Ham to sign the Spanish Rob Green?

Anybody know anything about Adrian? Apparently he is on a free transfer. And apparently he improved over the course of last season. And apparently he will only be an understudy to Jussi anyway. But Jussi's arthritis has to cut in soon surely, so we need an understudy capable of doing the job full time if the need arises.

Not one to set the pulses racing but if he spends the season on the bench, who cares?

At least he isn't Rob Green!