Following the dramatic news of a teenager narrowly escaping death after being struck by a meteorite in Germany, a source close to West Ham striker Dean Ashton has announced that all plans for an early return have been put on hold. Ashton, alarmed by the prospect of being hit himself, is apparently nervous about taking to the pitch in the light of the instability of the Universe.
The source revealed: "Dean has read about how Gerrit Blank was on his way to school in Essen when he saw a massive fireball heading straight towards him from the sky. The white-hot meteorite bounced off the schoolboy's hand and hit the ground so hard it left a foot-long crater in the tarmac - as well as a three-inch scar on his hand."
He continued: "Dean is understandably concerned by this development. He has had more than his fair share of injuries in recent years and is worried about how a meteorite strike might damage him. Dean is very particular about his training regimes and, as he has repeatedly stressed, will only return to playing when he is good and ready. To risk a massive setback caused by being hit by a meteorite seems, to him, to be unwise. To be honest he is a pretty big target and does not have the facility to get out of the way quickly should a meteorite be spotted heading in his general direction."
However, Ashton was concerned to learn that meteorites can also hit you when indoors. There is only one other known case of a human being surviving a direct hit from a meteor when a grapefruit-sized piece of space rock crashed through the roof of a house in Alabama, in the USA, in 1954. After smashing through the top of the building, it bounced off furniture and then hit a woman who was asleep at the time. In the light of this, Primadeano Ashton has requested a reinforced meteorite proof roof be built over the treatment room. The source stated, "This is a perfectly reasonable request given the amount of time Dean spends in there!"
41 comments:
Call yourself a West Ham fan? You must be a bloody Spud. Ashton is the best striker in Europe. He didn't ask to get injured did he. So called fans like you are a disgrace. Ashton will leave because of abuse like this. That's you game aint it.
I understand what you're doing, I just don't think it's funny.
Anonymous said:
Procreate yourself off u mug!
(Well he used the F word actually!)
HA.. HA... HA...
This blog is soooooo funny....
Nor do I Scott, that's the point!
wat a mug. deano will grace south africa next summer u aint no iron. piss off up to tottenscum and jump on the judas dehoe bandwagon
This has got to be the worst 'West Ham' website in the world. The so called tongue in cheek articles are nothing short of childish. Why not try posting some stuff that has some relevance. You are wasting your time and effort!
LOL Benny, you ARE Lee Vitout! Or are you the guy from Crossroads?
I find it very hard to believe that some of you idiots actually get the hump about these sort of posts, you really are sad individuals for not being able to take the article for what it is, tongue in cheek humour.
Idiots.
I think some people get the hump because they see this site as an embarrassment to West Ham United and the fact that these posts appear on newsnow with alarming regularity only compounds this.
Why is this site an embarrassment to West Ham United? I am not employed by West Ham. What a silly thing to say.
I'd be surprised if you'd even been to the Boleyn
hi just testing
I read a lot of bloggs and forums about the mighty hammers but never bother posting.I felt I mustin this case.I finf your blogg inteligent,funny and entertaining and I am amazed by the absolute lunacy that follows your posts.How can people be so stupid,so angry and so short sighted with their replys.Surely they don't mean what they say and are just having a laugh or is it that the worlds gone crazy.
Keep em coming hammersfan
Cheers madhammer. Unfortunately satire and irony pass a long way over some people's heads.
Patronising comments like that are exactly why you p*** so many people off.
We all fully understand satire and irony but with all respect, you're not very good at being funny so your articles/comments just come across and arrogant, rude and patronising.
Cockneys, like scousers, are generally liked for being chirpy and witty and you don't come across as either.
1547, patronising? I don't patronise, I condescend. Check your dictionary before you try to use the big words. But it was a valiant attempt, he says in a truly patronising way! P*****D off again I suppose? Sorry! ; ]
What the f***? Are you for real?
To patronise someone is to say something condescending to them. Did you really not know that??
Very mature response for a 50 year old.
When you patronise, you say something pleasant in an insincere way. When you condescend, you talk down to somebody. Now, then, if you can get your little brain around the difference, I will say very well done for being so clever next time you look in. OK sweetie?
I'm embarrassed for you. really I am.
Are you trying to be patronising or are you being condescending? Big gold star if you get it right!
.
Ran out on the challenge. Never mind, there's always tomorrow ducky.
Yep, I must concede that's a great intellectual victory for you. Well done - very impressive.
I feel such a fool now.
I too, think that Ashton is a great player unlucky with injuries (although I am mystified as to how a player built like a brick s**t house succumbs so easily) I also believe that he would have been one of the prems top scorers this last season.
I also think that this is one funny article.
Now that is patronising! Well done! Gold star and a Milky Way!
Cheers SN6, the patronising bit was aimed at our anonymous friend! LOL
Lol, love the inevitable comments that follow your posts! The patronising/condescending stuff is very good. I can't believe the number of people who actually bother taking the time to moan! I wonder how many of your cyber-buddies from another location look in here?
A lot Den, a lot. Even they can only take so many of Del's Due Diligence articles. There's nothing else bordering on the literate on there these days sadly!
You are neither patronizing or condescending. For the record, it has no nothing to do with how pleasantly you say things. They are the same. One is a verb (Stop patronizing me) and the other is an adjective (Stop being so condescending).
So there, none of you are smarter than the next.
Chris, if you think you are right we will leave it at that shall we? Now ask the wife to make us a nice cup of tea there's a love. ; }
But Chris, "That was a patronising statement" uses the word as an adjective. (Was is the verb and patronising qualifies the noun.) Not so easy is it? By the way, the use of z is an American spelling.
American-ness is an illness I was born with.
And you're right, patronizing could be both. But it still doesn't change the fact that you are being neither things (they mean the same anyway), but you are being satirical!
got to love this blog witty humor and intelligent opions add into the mix of unintelligent banter and you have a great blog well done hammersfan
Cheers 2144!
Ah now Chris, Satire is a tricky thing. It can be patronising or condescending. Ultimately it aims to be subversive - and that is me to a T.
80 mill makes me sick its a football
Fanno, I know your views on Deano (or "Beano"), and I don't understand them. I have read your views on him in the past on when he said "I don't want to come back to early or before I am properly ready" or something along those lines. You took that as him being selfish, but I just don't see how you can think like that. Do you seriously think he should rush back again, so that he can get injured again for another season, which would give you more reason to have a go at him for being so injury prone. Before his ankle injury, he had never had a proper injury before, and he has only missed this season cos Turds and his ancient fitness team never treated it properly. Zola and his fitness team will have him properly fit for pre-season, when he will lose weight, and he will continue his role as our best striker. I don't understand why you seem to have such a vendetta against him, when he has played for us he is quality. Last season, he only looked overweight and lazy due to the inadequaties of Turds. Give him a chance to prove himself next season, please, and then judge him properly, because at the moment it seems as if you want him to fail, which any Hammers fan should not. On another note, I normally try to read your posts because they can be entertaining, but I did not enjoy this one, just because of your insistence of targetting our best striker. And anyone who comes on this blog just to criticise it is a mug because it is here to encourage debate, not just for you to insult the man who runs it. If you dont want to read what he has to say, then just dont click on the link on newsnow! Essay over :P
Cheers P. I was a big fan of Ashton until I read an article in which he spoke about how precise he is with his kit, insisting it is LAID OUT in a certain way for him. He came across as an egotistical twat. Capello looked at him and didn't like what he saw and I was very unimpressed by his physical bulk when he came back from injury. He was fat, slow and immobile. It may have been the medical team but Ashton identified pizza as his favourite food - and I think it shows. As you say, the blog is tongue in cheek but all satire has a barb. I'd love Ashton to stuff my mockery down my throat but I fear there's more chance of him stuffing a 12 inch down his. And I'm not talking about LBM's saveloy!
what a load of rubbish. The writing style fails to convey the intended "comical" message. Disappointed in myself for wasting valuable seconds of my life reading this poor effort at a joke.
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