West Ham Order Michael Owen's Dossier!

Rumours emanating from West Ham suggest that the Board are poring feverishly through the Michael Owen "Sign Me Please" brochure, not because they are looking to land the ex Liverpool sprat, but for tips on how they might off load Beano and Diarrhea.

The claim that Owen is NOT injury prone is of particular interest. A source close to the club said: "The Board have been thinking about putting together a similar brochure for each of Ashton and Dyer but were concerned about how to present the injury problems. It would appear from Owen's brochure, and the claims made regarding fitness and well being, that the Trades Descriptions Act may not apply when in comes to the buying and selling of footballers."

Owen's brochure sets out to refute all negative presentations of the player and it seems West Ham could apply the same techniques as they seek to persuade another club to take on Beano's and Diarrhea's BUPA bills. The source said: "We can legitimately refer to Kieran's 'fighting spirit' for example, and clever wording will enable us to refer to Primadeano as a 'heavyweight of the modern game'."

He continued: "Naturally we would talk about Dean's preference for a 'Mediterranean diet' rather than refer to his liking for 24 inch Meat Feast pizzas and in Dyer's case, we have identified a whole host of bones that he hasn't yet broken or splintered. We will also talk about how he is always 'straining' to succeed and 'tearing' his way across the pitch. We can also stress their team ethic. Both have shown a remarkable willingness to allow others to play in their stead and have occupied the substitute's bench without complaint."

The idea is to market the players as two separate packages so, targeted clubs like Tottenham can expect to get a copy of The Beano through the post shortly with "What To Do About Diarrhea" following quickly afterwards.