Ultimate poke in the eye for Upson!

As if floundering game after game last season wasn't bad enough, as if being relegated in the pecking order of England centre backs behind the go slow traitor Carragher and the Kneeless King was not humilation enough, as if Tottenham and Liverpool turning their backs on him was not a sufficient kick in the solar plexus, poor Matty Upson has now suffered the ultimate knock back. Just two short weeks ago, Sunderland were supposedly preparing a bid for him but now, it seems, they rate another centre back as a better bet: that defensive giant Titus Bramble!

This is the same Titus Bramble who was considered too inept even for the Newcastle back four. This is the same Titus Bramble who was at the centre of Wigan's defence when they shipped nine goals at White Hart Lane. This is the same Titus Bramble who was the lynch pin in a Wigan defence that conceded no less than 79 goals last season in the Premiership!

Poor Matty. It probably dawned on him that he was pretty shit after the Germany game but so shit that Titus Bramble is considered a better bet? God, Matty's stock has fallen further than BP's!

That said, I'm going to have a punt on Sunderland going down if this deal goes through!

Rumours all in the right direction!

True they are still rumours and we've heard the one about the aged Englishman, the handy Frenchman and the underage Brazilian already this summer, but we continue to be linked with a list of recruits ranging from 'Allo 'Allo's Le Clerc to the thirteen million Euro man, Remy. And still nobody has left!

It is still far too early to let our guard down in relation to Sullivan and Gold, but you would have to be churlish in the extreme not to give them some credit for the way that they have handled affairs since they arrived. From snapping up McCarthy, Mido and Ilan before the window slammed shut, through kicking out Mido and Ilan once they had served their purpose, and including the support, then criticism and then dismissal of Zola, the Davids have ticked every box near as damn correctly.

Avram was appointed without any messing around and his targets were pursued as soon as the new window opened. The signing of Hitlersburger looked promising anyway; his call up to the Germany squad now makes it look inspired! Barerra could be anything, but his signing was a positive statement, even if he proves to be crap. Piquionne will do a job hopefully. And Ben Haim has been dropped because of medical problems. You have the feeling that under the previous regime, he would have been signed regardless. How else can you explain the signing of Dyer, Bellamy, Upson, Parker and Ljungberg, all of whom arrived with a poor injury record?

If we do land Remy, then that will be a real statement of intent. Keep it up S&G, you are winning this old cynic over!

Forget the Capello Index, Follow the Grantazola Index!

In keeping with the launch of the Capello Index, The Games Gone Crazy is proud to announce the unveiling of the Grantazola Index, the official measure comparing our new manager's performance against that of his predecessor.

As with the Capello Index, the Grantazola Index will assess relative performance over the course of the coming season. Although no meaningful games have been played so far, the Index shows Grant with a clear advantage thus far.

Unlike Zola, Grant seems to have played the transfer market intelligently so far. Barrera and Hitzlespurger seem to have been identified specifically to enhance the team in areas of known weakness - namely a lack of goals from midfield and a lack of width. Piquionne and Ben Haim, meanwhile, seem to have been recruited to deepen the squad. Where Zola's signings seemed random and at the instigation of Nani, Grant seems firmly in control of the comings and goings thus far. And, Barerra apart, he has signed players with Premiership experience. Jimenez or Hitlersburger anybody?

Where Zola allowed Neill and Duxbury to bugger him around, claiming that Lucash had "promised" to let him know his plans ahead of making a decision about his future, Grant has laid it on the line to Upson. Either show commitment or bugger off. Ben Haim has been signed to prevent Upson holding any sort of gun to Grant's head. "You want to play in the Champions League? After THAT performance against Germany? Best of luck mate! Now, do you want to play for us or not?" Neill made Zola look pathetic; Grant has put Upson in his place.

Then there is the little matter of results so far. True the opposition wasn't up to much but we've won two games in a row, and we only managed that ONCE throughout the whole of last season! And Cole scored in both games. You remember, Carlton Cole who only Zola could get to score apparently! And, of course, both games were away from home and under Zola victories away from Upton Park were as commonplace as Asians at a BNP convention!

Things may change of course. The Grantazola Index is subject to fluctuation and Grant's rating could go both up and down. For now, however, despite the debt and the Davids, Grant has not only nudged ahead but seems to have opened up clear claret and blue water between himself and his smiling predecessor!

Confused Sullivan Issues Ban

It appears that the old codger David Sullivan is losing his marbles and hearing. News is emerging that Sullivan has banned the vuvuzela from Upton Park, but it may all be a terrible mistake it seems. Vuvuzela? Sullivan probably caught the last syllable and thought they were talking about Zola. "View for Zola? I don't want the little eye tie bastard within three miles of the ground!"

When it was explained to Sullivan that the vuvuzela was in fact an instrument that made an ugly, incessant, droning, offensive noise, his attitude immediately changed, expressing the view, as he gave the thumbs up to the instrument, "That sounds very much like me!"

West Ham Tie Up With Real Sociedad Proposed

Ok, so it is nothing official, it's just that we have a Spanish West Ham fan who supports Sociedad, so it seems reasonable that we adopt his mob as our Spanish team. Sociedad are a bunch of Basques, so, like ourselves are not exactly West End Boys. The home stadium seats just over 32,000 so that makes them a similar size club to the Hammers. Mind you the name means Royal Society of Football and there aint much royal about West Ham is there?

Real Sociedad have also enjoyed a little more success in the Spanish domestic game than we have managed! They've won La Liga three times and been runners up three times. The Copa del Rey has been lifted twice and the Supercopa de Espana once. Like us, however, you have to go back to the 1980s for their last major honour, and, like us, they have fallen on hard times of late, only winning promotion back to the top division last season.

Famous players include John Aldridge and a certain Xabi Alonso!

The team are based in San Sebastian and I can personally testify to the beauty of that city! How about a trip out to San Sebastian to see a game at some point? Sounds like a plan to me! Anybody else up for it? Ryanair flights would be cheap and we have somebody local who can show us around!

Zola's reign - a disaster from beginning to end

Many mistakenly believe that things only started to go wrong in Zola's second season. The Italian's supporters point to the 9th place finish in our first season under his stewardship and claim he can't be a bad manager. He was a victim of circumstances, the argument then runs. It wasn't his fault. Blame the owners, blame Iceland, blame Duxbury, blame Nani, blame the players, blame Dame Fortune, blame anybody other than the lovable little Sardinian!

Well if people were to look a little closer at the facts, they would see that the "successful first season" of Zola is a chimera, an illusion, a mirage!

Zola took over 4 games into the season, 5 if you count the league cup game against Macclesfield. Indeed, Zola did not pick the team that beat Newcastle 3-1 in the first game after his appointment, so we can reasonably say that we were five league games into the season before he effectively took control. By that stage, tables are pretty representative on the whole and we were sitting in the top 5 of the Premiership. Had we won against Bolton seven games into the season, and just two games into Zola's reign, we would have been at the top of the table. We lost, of course, 3-1, with Green having an absolute mare.

Amazingly, from the position of being able to go top of the table after 7 games, we found ourselves in 17th place in the table in December, a truly startling collapse of form! Tottenham, who were rock bottom when Zola took over, were, by that stage, on our shoulders! Considering the head start Zola was given over Tottenham and Fulham, it was a remarkable achievement to manage to finish behind both by the end of the season!

The truth is, that apart from one "purple patch" spell under Zola, we showed relegation form during the rest of his first season tenure. During that wonderful blip, we won two Cup games and secured 15 points over an 8 game Premiership spell. Take off those 15 points and we would have finished the season with 36 points. Take off the 9 points we had already banked before Zola took effective control, and we would have finished with 27 points! Outside of these two windows, the Curbishley guided start and that one purple patch, Zola's team only averaged just over a point a game! If stretched out over the whole season, that would have seen us finish in 16th place, just 5 points clear of relegation!

Suddenly Zola's first season doesn't look so shit hot does it? Chuck in a pathetic surrender in the League Cup at Watford and the inept exit to relegation fodder Middlesborough in the F.A.Cup and suddenly that wonderful first season assumes true perspective!

Zola backers then claim that Zola was undermined by Sullivan and Gold. The argument goes that he stood no chance of succeeding because the owners were knifing him in the back. Well, again, the facts do not fit with this. Prior to the arrival of the Davids, Zola received 100% support from Duxbury but what good was that? Our results under S&G saved us; during the time that Zola had backing from above, we were utterly crap. In fact, it was the intervention of Sullivan that turned things around. He delivered the home truths that Zola wasn't man enough to deliver, and so ruffled the feathers of our Zola coddled players that they actually played with some fire in their bellies.

People argue that a comparison of Grant and Zola is impossible because of changed circumstances. What cobblers! We still have the debt. We have basically the same team. The big change is the removal of Zola. Yes there are other variables but they are minor by comparison!

Zola's win ratio as a manager is the WORST in the club's history. THAT says it all. If Grant cannot better that, then he should be shown the door in even quicker time than Zola!

That Cowardly Traitor Cole!

I have never really understood why West Ham fans have given Joe Cole such an easy ride compared to the likes of Lampard, Ince and Defoe. Present it how you will, the guy jumped ship when we were relegated and happily joined the plastic crew of USSR Chelsea. His allegiance was made abundantly clear a couple of years back when, after scoring a winner against us in the closing minutes at the Bridge, he celebrated in the most offensive manner, rubbing salt into the raging wound. The fact that replays showed he was offside only made matters worse.

Now, let's start with the fact that Cole is already wealthy beyond our wildest dreams. He has God, the West Ham Academy and 'Arry Redknapp to thank for that. Now, he can't repay God, other than by living a good life (which would not include owning a Hummer!), but he was in a position to repay his debt to either West Ham or 'Arry. By choosing to join Liverpool, he has stabbed both in the back!

Why? Why would he join Liverpool? To win honours some will say, but surely Arsenal or Tottenham would offer a better prospect of that? Unlike Liverpool, both are in the Champions League and, unlike Liverpool, both have strong squads and the cash to bring in new players. But there's the rub. Had Cole joined either, he would have faced competition for his place in the team. Who would you have in your team, Modrich or Cole? I would go with the Croat every day of the week. Fabregas or Cole? The question isn't even worth posing!

So Cole hasn't made the choice based on medals, he has opted for an easy life, the opportunity to walk into a team and hold down a place without a lot of competition. Yes he may win medals too but that is a secondary consideration; thus the label of coward in my headline. That, at the end of the day, is why he left Chelsea. He wasn't good enough for the Plastics and he couldn't cope with being a squad player! Little man, but over sized ego syndrome! Look at me in my great big Hummer!

So if medals were not the primary consideration, why not return to the cradle of his career, why not repay the club and fans who made him? Because the guy is a traitor without any genuine feeling for the club or fans who made him. Had he joined Tottenham, then fair enough. 'Arry was a father figure in his formative years. Had he joined Arsenal then I could understand. Wenger polishes players like Cole and might have taken him to a new level even at this late stage of his career. But Liverpool? No, he might as well just nick the wheels off 'Arry's and Avram's cars and have done with it!

So go to Liverpool Joe Cole, you deserve each other! Join Carragher the traitor! Join the team of nearly men who were always going to be great one day but never quite made it! Find your level in a team destined to fight for a Europa League place season after season. Go to Liverpool and rot, you cowardly, son of an 'Arry!

Nouble Making Progress

He certainly wasn't ready to lead the line on his lonesome last season (another absurd Zola decision) and I doubt we will see much of him over the next season either, but it's good to see Nouble firing home two for England's U19s.

There will be some who will jump on this and call for Nouble to play in the Prem, but hopefully Avram will exercise more common sense. There is a world of difference between scoring against 19 year old kids and doing the business in the Prem. Nouble wasn't even considered good enough to start for Swindon last season!

Hopefully, Avram will farm him out on loan again, and allow the kid to develop outside of the media spotlight. He has potential, no question, so let's not rush things, let's bring him to the boil carefully. Never hurry a Nouble!

Now Let's Judge Avram Against Zola!

In Zola the morons trusted! And boy did they let us know it! It was like the bleat of the sheep in Animal Farm! Every time somebody dared to criticise the tactics, the selection policy, the transfer signings, the performances or even the blasted results, up came the bleat, "In Zola we trust", trying to drown out the truth.

Great guy though he is, this site's regular, Stani Army, was something of a Squealer in this. He was never a sheep but Stani only just stopped short of saying, "Zola is always right"! "Don't blame Zola, blame the players" was Stani's mantra and the argument was always, "We will never be able to measure Zola because the next manager will not start the season with the same squad. S&G will back the new man." Oh yes?

Well, according to Stani, Piquionne and Ben Haim are poor signings. Thus far, we have spent less in the transfer market than we spent last season. Indeed, I have a hunch that we will recoup more money than we spend, with my favourite to leave being Behrami. So, where is the financial backing for Grant exactly?

The truth is, Grant has already proved himself more astute than Zola. Hitzlespurger looks a much better signing than Jimenez. Barerra is a chancy signing but he looks to fit the team's needs better than Diamanti. Piquionne and Ben Haim may not set the pulses racing but they have Prem experience, are not complete mugs and fill gaps in the squad. So far so much better than under Zola.

Now we are in to the friendlies and West Ham are doing what we didn't do under Zola, winning. And we are winning without our "star" players in the team too. And what is more, we seem to have a shape and the players are being played in the correct positions. It isn't rocket engineering as I always said. Pick the players to do jobs that they are comfortable with and they will play better. Pick players out of position and on the wrong flank and, unless they are World Class, they will struggle.

Grant is not a genius but that means he understands the importance of organisation and playing within your limitations. The players loved Zola because he made them feel like gods. But what is the point of entering your ugly daughter for a beauty pageant? She will only end up humiliated. And that's what happened to us under Zola! He convinced the players that they were better than they were, are and ever will be and asked them to do what they could not do. And as they staggered down the catwalk, the biggest threat to the opposition was that they would fall about laughing! Mick McCarthy couldn't believe his luck when he saw our team sheet for that six pointer at Upton Park! Team talk? All he had to do was show his players Zola's team!

To better Zola, Grant only has to finish fifth from bottom this season. To better Zola, Grant only has to average one point a game. To better Zola, Grant only has to win two games away from home this season. Let the comparison begin! And if Grant comes out on top, then all you bleating sheep had better own up! In Zola we trusted? What a bunch of mugs!

West Ham Aquire The Winning Habit Under Avram

OK they were only two friendlies, and true the opposition were not the best, but two wins in two games represents a major step forward on this time last year. Under Zola, we struggled to win, no matter the game and no matter the opposition. Grant seems to have changed that immediately. Long may this run continue!

Importantly, these two victories were achieved without Parker, Green, Upson and Behrami and without the three new signings. It was good to see Cole on the scoresheet for the second game in a row and to see McCarthy not only score, but looking trimmer. Other positives include Dyer and Ilunga starting, although, of course, Dyer does friendlies, it's the real games he misses.

I was also pleased to see Noble wearing the captain's armband. I still hope to see him "come again" in Claret & Blue. Unfortunately Sears failed to score yet again. Tomkins playing at right back was also an interesting move. He has played there before, of course, and was even used in midfield when on loan to Derby. Maybe, just maybe, he could be developed in this right back role. The other big plus is the form of Der Hammer - he hasn't scored yet but he is looking good in midfield apparently.

Whisper it quietly but I am still feeling optimistic about next season!

Capello Index Nails Green To The Cross!

God only knows what he was thinking of when he agreed to this "Capello Index", apart from filthy lucre of course, but the ratings that were published live on the net today, in the name of our esteemed England manager, damned dear Robert Green as the worst of the worst at the World Cup.

That comes as no surprise to me. I blogged that our early exit was ultimately down to Green. It was his blunder that allowed the USA to draw that opening group game and, but for that, we would have topped the group and would have had a relatively easy journey through to the semifinal. Of course, Hammers fans leapt to the defence of Green as soon as I posted that article; but the Capello Index appears to have arrived at the same conclusion.

"What about that great second half save?". It didn't make up for the dreadful, unforgivable error, just as I said, and as the Capello index has now confirmed!

Poor Rob, like Jesus, has been crucified. But there the similarity with the Christian Messiah ends. Jesus allegedly saves. Sadly, at a World Cup, Rob Green doesn't!

Nepotism and Mediocrity. The Avram Era Begins Badly

(Submitted by Stani)

Pompey old boys Piquionne and Ben Haim can only be said to have been bought on merit if our ambition is to buy average players with no potential. There's more nepotism than ambition here!

Mind you, Grant's appointment hardly screams ambition does it? Anyone could have guided Jose Mourinho's team to the Champion's League final. Staff at Chelsea said that Grant's coaching techniques were '25 years behind the times'. This is from an unnamed Chelsea player:

"Chelsea deserve a bigger coach than him. Grant does not have the quality to coach a team like this. When we play big opponents we will suffer because of him." http://tinyurl.com/572t96

Now he clearly knows better than you and me, having worked under Grant. Even Grant's friend, Mr Abramovich, had to eventually get rid of him. As for the FA Cup final, its just a cup competition. Cardiff got there in 2008 under Dave Jones, would he merit being a West Ham manager? A cup run proves nothing.

Piquionne has a poor goalscoring record and we have given him a 3 year deal on 40k a week apparently - to a striker who will be 32 in December. Tell me, does that make sense? We will be paying him a salary of over £2m when he is 35!

As for Ben Haim, like Piquionne, he played in a side that was relegated last season. It has been argued that our relegated players were also purchased by clubs when we went down but ours were young with potential. I do not see the potential in a 28 year old defender who is currently not very good. Believe me, when I say he makes more mistakes than Tomkins! We will now see this at first hand, unfortunately. He dithers and is consistently bullied off the ball.

Barrera will bring quality but his signing was cleverly delayed to soften the blow of Piquionne and Ben Haim. I disagree that Hitzlsperger is one of our better players by a mile. He is a solid, reliable type and we should not make him out to be more than he is.

Grant knows Piquionne and Ben Haim from previous clubs, and since I've dismissed the merit argument above, their signings must be down to cronyism or nepotism. I have said nothing of a master plan, but you tell me why Grant was appointed without any other manager being interviewed?...or why Ben Ham seems to follow Grant EVEN when he speaks against him. The bond of 'blood is thicker than water' is not broken by a few critical words.

Big money signings? I never expected them, but I hate in when our great fans are taken for fools! Neymar, Beckham, Remy, Cole, Henry...we end up with Piquionne and Bellend Haim!

I'm not claiming to be clever here. I leave that kind of gloating to HF (who is also responsible for adulterating this piece and inserting a crude nickname!). All I am saying is that the new era reeks of nepotism and mediocrity, not meritocracy and ambition!

Sullivan & Gold Delivering on Promises!

(Submitted by Shaun)

Hmmm [shakes head]....a ball has yet to be kicked and already there are 'forecasts' of ominously dark rainclouds of doom! This, despite the fact that new signings were promised...and new signings have been delivered!

Of course, they're not the 'world-beaters' that some would have recommended...that's clear from the damning and frankly, insulting indictments of each and every one of them on certain blogs! I won't even bother reiterating the analogies, because they simply suck!

My point is...what or who exactly did the critics expect?! Don't get me wrong here...West Ham are a BIG club and should have BIG stars on the books, but the current financial situation won't change overnight! There are no sudden mystery funds available to buy the likes of Neymar, Henry, Klose etc...and even if deals for Remy and Cole DID reach fruition, they would have to be on more favourable HP terms than your old Aunty's Kays bloody catalogue!

It would now appear that the media hype regarding a Russian billionaire's investment in the club is just mist of the Scottish variety...G&S confirmed there has been no such contact.It also appears that Gold & Sullivan Independent Traders Inc are unwilling or unable to dig deep and provide huge funds for transfers from their own infinite personal cash reserves, as promised...why should they?

But what they have done, in my opinion, is not only fulfilled their promise of signings, but conducted good business in the process. That is what they do. That is what they're good at. It's not called arse-licking the owners...it's called waiting to see what they do...and on this showing their actions are speaking louder than their words. Indeed, the jury IS still out on G&S...

...But a total of £5 million outlay for Hitzlsperger (note how I spell his name correctly AND respectfully!), Barrera and Piquionne is VERY good business, with the possibility of Ben Haim in addition on a 'free'?

Some might call it 'deepening the squad' on the cheap with players that 'nobody else wants'. But then some, like me, might say 'no, happy with that....4 quality players' ....and without 'deepening' the debt in the process!

Avram's pleased as punch with the new acquisitions too...so let's hope there's a couple more 'surprises' to come...and let's get right behind the team and the manager and be positive eh?! COYI!!

Sullivan and Gold will have to show their hand over next 2 weeks

So far so ordinary. We have Hitlersburger, Ben Haim, Barerra and Piquionne. Of those, only Barerra has the potential to set the pulses racing, but staking all your hopes on a young, untried Mexican is like risking your house and kids in a poker game on a pair of twos. You may win, but it isn't advisable.

For all the excitement when we signed Hitlersburger, he arrives on the back of a very bad season and wasn't considered good enough for the Germany squad. He is probably an average Premiership midfielder and not much more.

As for Piquionne and Benhaim, well they are the equivalent of a pair of slippers and new boxers as Christmas presents. Yes they may come in useful, but you don't wait 12 months in the hope of getting them do you? How much have that lot cost us? Hitlersburger arrived on a free, Barerra only cost £4m and that probably wasn't paid up front, Piquionne cost a cool million and Ben Haim came gift wrapped as a way of easing Pompey's wage bill. So S&G have shelled out a maximum of £5m thus far, if we ignore signing on fees and wages. That could be recouped by the sale on one player!

Of course we have been linked with others, with mouth wateringly expensive deals, but they haven't resulted in signings have they? Going back to the poker analogy, they are no more than bluffs so far, designed to impress but amounting to nothing. The timing of the invitation to buy tickets for the Paolo Di Canio lounge, at £1,800 plus a piece, is interesting. Wouldn't that be a more exciting prospect if you were watching Naymar and Remy rather than Piquionne and McCarthy?

The next two weeks will be very illuminating as Sullivan and Gold have to show their hand. If the four signings are designed to bolster the existing squad then great. Piquionne is a good option to McCarthy as a partner for Cole, should we play 4-4-2 and a reasonable stand in when Carlton is injured. Ben Haim is an experienced option for the centre back berth: we cannot afford to pair Tomkins and Da Costa together. Barerra will hopefully offer the width we were crying out for all last season. And Hitlersburger has the potential to score from midfield, something we desperately need. Chuck that into the pot with the players who finished last season, then the squad looks pretty good, although most agree that a good right back is still needed and maybe a left back too if Ilunga is still in the doldrums.

But that assumes no exits. If, suddenly, we see four players sold to balance the additions to the squad, then we will know what S&G are really up to. Imagine, for a moment, that Cole, Upson, Diamanti and Kovac are all moved on over the next two weeks, for fees totalling £20m plus. Well, suddenly the team will look weaker than last season (Cole is better than Piquionne, Diamanti will score more than Hitlersburger and Upson is better than Ben Haim), and S&G will have banked a £15m surplus on transfer deals, not to mention easing the wage bill. Suddenly, the asset stripping argument will resurface.

Of course, there is a middle way. Any sales may be designed to fund new arrivals. The first four may be designed to deepen the squad and future deals may be based on improving the team. To buy Remy or Naymar, we may have to sell Cole for example. The worry then is how the deals are structured. We have not landed Remy because S&G will not pay up front and the Barerra deal includes a sell on element where Pumas are hoping to make the bulk of their money. But S&G will want money on the table to sell. You can bet your life that £12m today for Cole will be accepted ahead of £7m now, £5m next year, £3m the next and bonuses based on international appearances and goals scored. Never mind the long term, the priority would appear to be raising money now and parting with as little as possible for the foreseeable future.

The worry is that despite the huge financial rewards of being in and staying in the Prem, we have, thus far, invested just £5m in the squad. Wolves paid more than that on one player! Wolves! The team that was already good enough to humiliate us at Upton Park last season! And Stoke have apparently bid £12m for Cole. Stoke, the team already good enough to do the double over us last season!

The transfer merry go round is about to start as players return from breaks after the World Cup. We will know what S&G are really up to within the next fortnight. I would settle for sticking with the squad we have now, plus a utility defender who can cover at right back and left back. My fear, is that there will be comings and goings and that diamonds will be traded for paste and cash. Let's hope I am wrong!

Before Avram Signs Tal Ben Haim He Should Read This

(With thanks to Al who emailed me this!)

From when TBH was at Chelsea and, To Be Honest, didn't rate Avram!

'Tal Ben Haim, signed by Mourinho last summer yet a peripheral figure since his compatriot took over, is under no doubt as to the cause of Chelsea's recent failings.

"Jose Mourinho is the reason I came to Chelsea," said Ben Haim, "and if I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach I would have signed for another club.

"It was Jose who brought me here and no one except he and I know the conversation we had when he tried to sign me the first time a year ago last January.

"The fact is while Jose was the coach I played most of the games and people who know me know that I would not have come here to be a reserve.

"I knew nothing good would come for me with Grant as Chelsea coach." '

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/2297506/Pressure-mounts-on-Chelseas-Avram-Grant.html

Barerra Today, Gone Tomorrow

The player now standing on the left wing is the intercontinental express service for Madrid, stopping at Tottenham, Manchester and Milan, assuming, of course, that derailment is avoided during the East London section of the journey.

Autumn and winter may, however, cause unscheduled delays due to leaves on the touchlines and the wrong type of ice and snow.

If all goes to plan, the journey will be completed in double quick time; if things do not work out as hoped, expect diversion back to a breaker's yard somewhere in Mexico some time in 2012.

Welcome to the Paolo Di Canio Lounge

Never slow to spot a marketing opportunity, Sullivan and Gold have revealed plans for the new Paolo Di Canio Lounge. Situated in the West Stand, the lounge will provide fans with a truly unique venue in which to enjoy their visit to the home of the Hammers. Themed around Paolo, entrance to the lounge is reserved for fans wearing black shirts, with a special straight arm salute required before you are waived through by jackbooted doormen. Pride of place in the lounge is given to a truncated map of the British Isles which, fittingly, does not extend north of the Watford Gap!

Paolo himself will be on hand to greet fans at the grand opening, pushing them backwards through the door. So, if you have £1,848 (plus VAT) burning a hole in your pocket, then contact the club asap. It is perhaps sobering to think that the great Bobby Moore used to earn £5,200 a year when captaining West Ham and England! How times have changed.

Prawn sandwich anybody?

Frederic Piquionne Deal Is Madness!

This is a guy who only scored 5 goals in the Prem last season. This is a guy who has netted just 63 career league goals. This is a guy who has ticked past 30 years of age. This is a guy who we have offered a three year contract to!

Haven't the Davids learnt from the signing of McCarthy? Have Sullivan and Gold never heard of a sell by date? Or is that the point? They have to sell Cole before a certain date so they had to bring in a replacement - any replacement!

The owners were supposed to be in France for a dirty midweek break with Karren Brady to sign Remy, the new Thierry Henry. Instead they are bringing home Frederic Piquionne, the new Emile Heskey! This does not bode well! Perhaps somebody should remind Avram that, as well as reaching a Cup Final, Pompey were relegated last season!

Diamanti Sums Up The Zola, Duxbury and Nani Fiasco

So, it looks as if Diamanti is off to Olympiakos - scuttling off to second rate Greek football after just 10 months at West Ham. This was our big white hope, a guy we were so desperate to sign that we went cap in hand to our sponsors for an early advance and parted company with Collins to Villa to fund the deal. And Ginge's departure, along with the failure to sign a proper striker to replace Bellamy, and Zola's incompetence, were the root causes of our relegation struggle last season.

Turds rightly took a lot of flak for his signings, but he compares well with the idiotic recruitment policy of the three monkeys, Duxbury, Zola and Nani. We should have realised when they signed Savio. What a joke! The kid came from Nani's former club and that deal stank. Rumours circulate about 'Arry but I would love to know what Nani's cut was from the Savio fiasco. Then there was Kovac of course. Why? Why would you sign Kovac and have to part company with Collins as a result?

Mind you, the Jimenez deal was even worse! OK we didn't buy him but we paid Inter a fee for taking him off their wage bill for 6 months. I was expressing doubts after his first appearance in a West Ham shirt, in that friendly against Burksandpoor, and things didn't pick up in his brief but oh too long spell at the club. We can't blame Zola for Lopez, but he was stupid enough to pick him against Watford. Di Michele was a reasonable signing for a season, but Tristan was as mobile as a lamp post! Lastpickeva was a joke too and was to blame for our League Cup exit in his one start.

Hopefully Daprela and Nouble will prove shrewd investments but, overall, the transfer record was appalling whilst the three were together.

Who was most to blame? Zola because he was specifying "types" to fit his failing 4-3-3 formation? Nani because he was foisting players on a bewildered Zola? Or Duxbury because he was more concerned with image than substance? Or all three because they were in bed together and right up each others' arses? Either way, it was one cock up after another!

Diamanti really is the last straw, damning evidence of the utter incompetence of the Three Unwise Men who brought us fools gold, Franco's sense and merde.

West Ham Win!

OK it was only Posh, and we all know how easy it is to take Posh up the Arse, but a win is a win. Good to see Carlton scoring and great that Hitlersburger supplied the pass. Boa had a run out, Tomkins and Da Costa played, and a bunch of kids were blooded. In fact two different outfield teams were played in each half! Dyer and Ilunga only managed 30 minutes each but apparently that was "planned". Sears came on and didn't score and the same goes for McCarthy - Little and Large play Peterborough!

As the OS says, that was the first away win since we beat Wolves on the first day of last season! Were you watching Zola?

Most significant absentee? A certain Diamanti. Injured? Sulking? On the move?

More Than Half A Million Visitors

Back on October 28, 2009, I ran a post entitled, "Approaching 50,000. Thanks to all!" Well here we are, less than a year on, and that old fashioned hit counter has now clocked past 500,000! No wonder my detractors don't like its inclusion!

Thanks are due to News Now and to my many contributors, especially the regulars. Last time I listed names, I upset a few by forgetting them; so please excuse a general thanks to all!

I'm not sure how much more we can grow. Half a million hits a year was beyond my wildest dreams when I started out. Here's hoping I can report and comment on some good news next season to nail the lie that I am a Tottenham fan!

Why the picture of Lady Gaga? As a reward for Stani!

The Great Sullivan & Gold Season Ticket Swindle?

I've signed in to News Now today hoping to read that both Barerra and Remy have successfully touched down in the East End but, like the BP oil cap, there seems to be a lot of talk about what may have happened and no actual evidence that it actually has. Rumours suggested that we would announce Remy's signing today, whilst the Barerra deal was supposedly done and dusted apart from the granting (pun intended) of a work permit. But so far today, nothing, nada, rien.

Is this highly cynical, or would it be reasonable to ask how many season tickets have been sold over the last week since these rumours first broke? Chuck in Joe Cole and the Brazilian wonder kid, and Sullivan and Gold would have us believe that we will be watching a team of superstars next season. Roll up, roll up, get your season ticket now!

I just wonder, when the full compliment are sold, will the rumours suddenly stop and will we find we have a squad very similar to the one we had last season, minus Scott Parker?

That couldn't happen, could it?

Is the West Ham job a poisoned chalice for managers?

With Turds still floating around hoping for a job and Zola, despite his brilliance, still out of work, it is beginning to look as if managing West Ham is something of a poisoned chalice. Pardew appeared destined for a great future, until Eggert knifed him, and subsequently has found himself slipping down the divisions. Roeder, of course, has been a disaster where ever he has been employed, and if you go back to Macari and Bonds, their time managing West Ham effectively ended their managerial careers. Even John Lyall struggled when he resurfaced at Ipswich.

Only 'Arry has managed to carve out a successful career after leaving the Boleyn. He is not everybody's cup of tea but you have to wonder where we might be now, had he been left in charge.

In Administration probably!

Can Avram survive the curse or will his stint with us go the way of all the others?

Red Light For Green Move

Poor Robert Green, it seems that his whole career slipped through his fingers, along with our chances in the World Cup, when he made a monumental hash of trying to save that "shot" in the USA game. Wenger immediately thought better of signing him. Let's face it, he already has Almunia and Fabianski so why does he need another butter fingered keeper?

Woy's departure to Liverpool was also bad news for Gween. You would back Woy to wehabilitate Wob in the quiet backwaters of Cwaven Cottage, but he is hardly going to wisk him in the bwight glare of Anfield is he? And anyway, with Popeye Weina at the club, Woy doesn't need another keeper does he?

So where does Rob go from here? Tottenham don't need him. Nor do Everton. Newcastle might see him as an improvement on Harper but are unlikely to waste money when the differential is so minuscule. Maybe Villa? But there has been no whiff of a link.

18 months ago, Green could have had his pick of a host of clubs but a mediocre (or some would say poor) season had put paid to that, even before that catastrophic clanger. Now it looks as if Green is stuck at West Ham and that West Ham are stuck with Green.

Let's hope Avram can rebuild Green's confidence. He is not an international keeper and never has been - as I always maintained. But he was a very competent Premiership keeper with outstanding shot stopping ability. The worry is, how much that error will undermine his confidence generally. Robinson was a nervous wreck for 12 months after his nightmare moment; let's hope Green can quickly put the recent past behind him and recover his form of old.

Evidence Points to New Investment in West Ham

Something odd is going on. Remember when we signed Tevez and Mascherano and everybody scratched their heads and asked "What the fcuk?" Well the signing of Barerra and Remy (if it happens) isn't quite in the same league but, given the backdrop of supposed "Financial Armageddon", there is a distinct whiff of sulphur in the air. How have we moved, in six long months, from knocking on the door of Administration to being able to shell out £16m on two unproven players in the space of a week?

Are we acting as a front for another club as the Pumas chairman appeared to suggest last week? Or are we spending the money we know will be raised by the sale of Cole, Parker and Behrami? Or is there new money being invested in the club?

It is too early to say, but the signs are certainly promising. We seem to be genuinely in the market for players with fairly hefty price tags and, as yet, nobody has been sold. True, Gold has now suggested that Parker may be sold at the right price but that may be because Grant doesn't rate him that highly. If Villa, flush with Man City's cash from the inflated sale of Milner, offer us £15m, then we would be mad not to take it. Parker is now 30, suffers from yellow card fever, scores all too infrequently and is due an extended spell out with injury. There's better value out there.

If we land Remy tomorrow then I will be inclined to give more credence to those rumours about a billionaire investor. Even if this investor doesn't exist, you have to credit Sullivan and Gold for buying before they sell. Maybe they are genuine fans after all!

Heartburn, Indigestion, Trapped Wind? Try Remy!

Well we tried for the old Henry but he preferred to go State Side instead, but not to be put off, we have now bid for the new, still to be improved version instead - hopefully complete with full Va Va Voom!

Remy sounds like the old indigestion tablet to me, but if he gives the opposition the shits and eases the supporters' heartburn, then he has to be worth every cent of the proposed 13 million euros fee! Of course, if we sell Cole for £12m plus, Remy won't actually cost us anything. If the Davids decide to team Remy up with Cole and Barerra, then we will know that they really are intent on turning around our fortunes on the pitch.

Remy appears to be keen to join us all of a sudden, perhaps because he has no other options. The French are a funny bunch of course, as our experiences with Faubert have shown, but if the boy is as good as the reports suggest, then even the Gallic temperament may be worth suffering.

Whisper it quietly, but I am still feeling optimistic about next season!

Well Done Spain But Oh Dear Howard Webb

It wasn't a great final, but it wasn't a bad one either. Of course, Howard Webb did his best to cock it all up. What did his wife say? "He can't control the kids at home so I don't know how he can control the Final". Well he couldn't!

Was the goal dodgy? I don't think so, the Dutch guy tried to run through a gap that didn't exist, he wasn't body checked as the men in orange were trying to claim. Anyway, Robben apart, the Dutch had played like thugs throughout and so got their just desserts.

Webb managed to find his red card eventually, though how Van Bommell stayed on the pitch for the first 45, never mind the whole game, must be a mystery to everybody other than Webb. He should have sent Vidic off in the League Cup Final too so he has form for this. FIFA appointed him knowing that, so they can't complain.

Good to see Fabregas play the killer pass for the goal. £50m for Torres? I reckon Liverpool should take £10m after seeing him pull up lame again. I'm not sure we will ever see the guy at his best again - there are shades of Michael Owen here! Poor Woy must have been shaking his head in disbelief!

The New Facebook of West Ham

Remember the good old days when football clubs were just that, football clubs? Now they are vehicles for marketing and, when Russian billionaires are involved, money laundering and tax evasion, according to some!

Now West Ham has launched its very own Facebook page, another opportunity to platform marketing opportunities, or to sell anything and everything it can to the mug punters. How long before S&G offer a deal to be "West Ham Number One Friend Of The Week"? Pay £100 and you too can be Hammersfanno1!

I have never joined the Facebook world of virtual friends but I have an idea. Perhaps Sullivan and Gold could forget about real fans and build a virtual fan base instead, launching a Football Manager team on the site whilst they are about it. We could buy Tevez back and sign Fabregas, Rooney and Messi whilst we are about it in this virtual world. We wouldn't need a ground of course, so the Boleyn could be redeveloped. Maybe, in addition to the real Boleyn Mansions, S&G could sell virtual apartments whilst they are about it. "You too could live next door to Carlos Tevez!"

This is the only realistic masterplan for achieving Champions League football in five years. Sky would buy the rights to televising the cumputerised matches I'm sure, and the kids of Newham would be able to join the Virtual Academy of Football for a small fee! Meanwhile, every fan would have the satisfaction of proving that they can play the game better than the manager himself!

Champions League football, it's virtually a done deal!

Fantastic News! Russian Billionaire Eyes West Ham

He is the 93rd richest man in the World, apparently, and he is ready to buy a 35% stake in the club - well that's according to The News of the World. The only problem with the story is that there has been no contact between Len Blavatik and the Davids thus far. So have TNOTW simply pulled the name of a rich Russian out of a hat and launched an "exclusive"?

The guy does have a home in London, in Kensington Palace Gardens no less. However, he is highly educated and would seem an unlikely fit with Sullivan and Gold. True his money has been made through a business called Access Industries, but I don't think that the access referred to had anything to do with vaginas! And there is no track record of investing in sports teams either - despite building his fortune in the USA.

It would be fantastic if it were true but I'm afraid the story is fantastic, as in the true meaning of the word - conceived or appearing as if conceived by an unrestrained imagination!

Cole To Stoke Rumour Resurfaces

It's not time to panic yet, but the rumours of Cole joining Stoke have resurfaced. Apparently, he was in Stoke today, signing the contract, with the price rumoured to be £12m.

Of course, there were rumours last January that Carlton was in Sunderland, signing a contract to join the Black Cats. What is it with Cole and Red Stripes I wonder?

I have always scoffed at the idea that Cole would take such a backward step and I am still very dubious. But just in case it is true, I will put on record that it would be a very bad move for Cole, West Ham and England. And oddly, I think it would be a bad deal for Stoke too. Carlton finished the season low on confidence and the weight of expectation of a big transfer fee will hang heavy on him. This really would be a lose lose lose lose deal in my opinion.

So, fingers crossed it is bull.

The Pieces of the Jigsaw Falling Into Place

Now, the wheeling and dealing is far from over, but it is so far, so good in the transfer market at the moment. Let's assume nothing else happens and think about the team that could kick off next season.

Our problem under Zola was that we lacked shape. Time and again we saw players played out of position and asked to do jobs they were patently unsuited to. Poor Noble found himself parked either wide right or wide left, Diamanti and Stanislas were used on the wrong flanks, Spector was out of position at left back, we fielded a midfield without any goal threat whatsoever when Zola teamed Kovac, Parker, Noble and Behrami together.

Well, a number of those issues have already been resolved. Barerra brings pace, width and a goal scoring threat to the team. If we retain Cole, he should relish the greater supply of balls into the box. Meanwhile, Hitlersburger has a tasty left foot and offers goals from midfield too. I have blogged about our urgent need for a centre back, but if Kovac were to be used as a true anchor man, in midfield, then Da Costa and Upson may be up to doing the job, with Tomkins allowed to develop as an understudy.

How about this for a team?

Green

Faubert, Da Costa, Upson, Ilunga

Kovac

Barerra, Parker, Hitlersburger

Diamanti

Cole

I reckon that team would be good for a top 10 finish personally. The squad still needs fleshing out and I can't see a place for Behrami, unless he took the Kovac role, but Grant, unlike Zola, seems to have a shape in mind and looks as if he is recruiting players to fit the jigsaw, taking into account where we are lacking.

Whisper it quietly, but I am feeling optimistic about next season. I hope we retain Diamanti personally and my chief concern is that we are losing our British / English emphasis. That team only features four Englishman, and all four have been linked with other clubs. There is, of course, one other nagging worry. It is a tough start to the season and should we get off to a bad start, we may struggle to recover.

Barrera Deal Establishes West Ham Officially As A Feeder Club

This Barrera deal is dodgy I'm afraid. The President of Pumas, Victor Mahbub has let the cat out of the bag with this highly informative sentence, "Barrera will be signing a four-year contract, then in two or three years be transferred to another team".

So who, exactly, are we acting as a front for? It is beginning to look as if we are not only the Academy of Football, but also the nursery team of Chelsea, or perhaps Man Utd, or, in our worst nightmare, Tottenham Hotspur.

People have been wondering why we are suddenly bidding big money left, right and centre; well Mr Mahbub seems to have given us the answer. In a typical dodgy East London deal, Sullivan and Gold are fronting up for somebody else. We pay a fraction of the final fee up front, make stage payments over the next couple of years, and then a First Option deal is triggered, with Chelsea, or Man Utd, or Tottenham "buying" the player at a predetermined fee, with the balance of the money going not to West Ham, but back to Pumas.

In a sense, it is a win win win deal. West Ham get a quality player on the cheap for a few seasons. Providing the player develops, Pumas get to sell the player twice, with the combined fee greater than the fee they could hope to secure for the player at the moment, and Chelsea, or Man Utd, or Tottenham get an option on a player who, should he develop as they hope, they will get on the cheap should they opt to trigger the First Option.

Should we care? We enjoyed having Tevez for a season didn't we? But that was a one off. Do we really want to formalise our position as a feeder club? How would we feel if it transpires that we are being used as a finishing school by, of all teams, Tottenham Hotspur?

The trouble is, the deal means that West Ham carry all the risks for the lowest overall gain. Like a drugs mule, we have Barerra shoved up our arse. If he aint any good, we still have to pay the £4m over three years and, like Dyer, we are stuck with him. Pumas can count their dosh, and Tottenham, or whoever, never have to shell out for a dud. If he is brilliant, Tottenham, or whoever, get a gem on the cheap and sign him in his prime, fully adapted to the demands of the Prem. As with Tevez, we are reduced to giving a hero's welcome to an ex player who shows us the crossed hammers before kick off, then proceeds to smash in goals for our rivals.

Welcome to West Ham Pablo, welcome to Trotters International Traders!

Offload Upson to Sunderland and Bring Home Anton.

Good to hear that Grant has offered his public backing to Rob Green and said that he only wants to keep Upson if he is committed to the club. I was not alone, last season, in thinking that Upson was on cruise control for much of the season, pacing himself for the World Cup campaign.

Of course, that all blew up in his face when he was initially overlooked and then showed against Germany why he should never have been selected in the first place. He is a long way away from being a yard dog, but he is just as far away from being a quality international defender.

Slightly above mediocre is enough to make him the best centre half at the club at present, but if Sunderland are really willing to pay £7m for him, then I would let him go. In fact, I would ask for £5m plus Anton - and I reckon Bruce might just go for that.

Who else could we buy for £5m? Dutch, if you read this, have you got any suggestions? It don't take a lot to be a no nonsense centre back does it? If only we had retained Collins, this wouldn't be an issue!

Need For Centre Back Is Desperate

We are being linked with wingers, central midfielders, full backs and forwards, yet the crying need is for a centre back. So desperate is the need, indeed, that Avram has talked about how important it is to retain Upson. Dear God, if that isn't evidence of desperation, I don't know what is!

Da Costa finished the season well and is a year older and wiser. Tomkins finished the season against Wolves and that headache will take some shifting! Even with Upson, we still look vulnerable through the centre of out defence. If he moves on, then we are in real trouble unless we sign a replacement.

The transfer merry go round hasn't really started, to be fair. If the rumours are true, we will have midfielders coming out of our arse, so presumably we can expect to see at least two of Noble, Parker, Diamanti, Behrami and Kovac sold before the season kicks off. The emphasis being placed on midfielders who can score is great, and the search for pacey strikers is also reassuring. But until we actually sign anybody, there is this nagging doubt that this is all paper talk.

But more worrying still is the fact that not even the papers are linking us with centre backs. Avram needs to look at that goals against column last season, and perhaps watch a tape of the Bolton and Wolves games at Upton Park!

West Ham Ruined Curbishley's Career

According to our old mate Turds, West Ham ruined his career. He can't understand why Fulham don't want him and says that he deserves better, pointing out that he "averages" a 10th place finish in the Prem as a manager. Well, apart from being a bit creative with the use of that word "averages", Curbishley might like to stop feeling hard done by and look at the facts.

Firstly, nobody made him hold out for compensation for constructive dismissal, taking himself out of the job market for the best part of 18 months in the process. Had he swallowed his pride and made himself available for work immediately, he might now be in a job. Who knows which club he might now have sitting comfortably and boringly in tenth place in the Prem at the moment? It could be Chelsea or Manchester City Alan! But no, Turds wanted his pound of flesh. Well I hope he chokes on it!

Then Alan might just consider his record at West Ham. I know Eggert bankrolled his folly, but what chairman in his right mind will forget how Curbishley triggered the World banking crisis single handedly? Toxic debt? Try buying Kieron Dyer, Freddie Ljungberg, Julien Faubert, Lucas Neill, Boa-Morte, Scott Parker, Craig Bellamy, Calum Davenport and Matty Upson! Meanwhile, Fulham, the latest club to overlook the brilliant Turds CV, picked up Zamora, Paintsil and Konchesky for the price we paid them for Luis Boa-Morte! Imagine trying to explain that away in an interview!

Then, of course, there is the little problem of timing his departure from Charlton so astutely. Good managers build the foundations, they don't erect the entire edifice on shifting sands. At least 'Arry buys success whilst bankrupting the club he manages, Turds gives his clubs a tenth place finish in return for buggering them good and proper. Look at where Charlton are now! Turds knew the writing was on the wall so walked. If I was a Charlton fan, I would feel very bitter indeed, irrespective of the glorious achievement of finishing tenth in the Prem!

I suggest that Turds looks closely at his own record. What Premiership club in the south of the country would really want him, Fulham apart, on the promise of "I can secure a tenth place finish"? And I can't see him towing that caravan all the way up North can you?

West Ham didn't ruin Curbishley's career, but we still have a headache after his mediocre spell in charge of the club. Yes he did better than Zola, but Iain Dowie could hardly have done any worse than the Italian! Want to know why you haven't got a job Alan? Look in the mirror as you count your ill gained claret and blue blood money!

Middlesborough Can't Find A Shirt Sponsor

Times be hard up North in the Fizzy Pop. So hard, it seems, that the never so mighty Middlesborough are unable to find a company willing to pay to have its name emblazoned on the club's shirts for a whole season. Such is the dire state of affairs that the chairman has decided to rent out the shirts on a monthly basis.

The trouble with this plan, of course, is it means that they have to find NINE different companies (run by complete numb skulls obviously) who are willing to PAY Middlesborough to sport the company name on their shirts.

Any suggestions? Well, given the monthly nature of the contract and the colour of the shirts, perhaps Tampax might be interested. Following a defeat, Strachan could at least account for the reverse by saying, "It was the time of the month." And should they retain Mido, there must be scope for either a kebab house or Weightwatchers to take a slot. But I'm struggling to think of anybody else who would see a link with the club as beneficial. Any suggestions?

Sullivan Rues Missing Out On Over The Hill, Hopeless, Has Been German Striker

Poor Diddy David Sullivan can't believe his luck. Prior to the World Cup, he thought he had landed German international striker Miroslav Klose. But it turns out that the guy is not a spent force after all, it seems he can still cut it with the big boys and is not yet ready for collecting a pension in semi retirement. So what do you know, he has decided he doesn't want to come to West Ham after all.

Sullivan is quoted saying: "We had a deal in place before the World Cup, after he had a bad season in Germany. However, as a result of what he has done at the World Cup, it's unlikely to happen."

So let's translate that shall we. Doesn't that equate to, "We thought we had a chance of signing Klose on the basis that he is now crap, but unfortunately it transpires that he is still pretty good so we are obviously out of the running now. It's such a shame because we were looking forward to signing another useless, over the top striker to play alongside January signing, Benni The Gut, and paying him £60,000 a week for sitting on the bench."

Very reassuring!

In for Le Clerc, AGAIN!!!!!!!

I did the Le Clerc joke this time last year when we were rumoured to be interested in the French full back. Nothing came of it then, but that hasn't stopped tribalfootball from running the story again, 12 months on.

Tribalfootball, of course, should receive an environmental award, they recyle so many stories! Anyday soon, they will latch on to the fact that Upson may not be with us come the start of the season. In fact, they will probably start reporting on the England v USA World Cup game some time next week! Get ready for a "Green Howler" headline!

Anybody know anything about Clerc in case he does join?

Anyway, things have moved on at the club so Le Clerc would now fit in so much better with our 'Allo, 'Allo cast. Diamanti is the perfect Bertorelli. Hitlersburger has arrived to fill the jackboots of Herr Otto Flick. The two Davids are passable as Major-Gerneral Erich Von Klinkerhoffen and Colonel Kurt Von Strohm - determined to sell the Fallen Madonna with the big boobies (McCarthy anybody?). Karren Brady could fill the stockings of either Helga Geerhart or Yvette Carte-Blanche. Of course, Green and Upson would have to be the two blundering English airmen, Fairfax and Carstairs whilst, given the way he carries on with the prostitutes, Rene would have to be played by Avram!

Strange Mood As Players Return To Training

There must have been a strange mood amongst the players as they reported back for training at Chadwell Heath for the first time since the summer recess. A number must have been looking at each other thinking, "Bloody hell, you're still here!" whilst there's probably a sign up in the changing room saying, "Don't Mention The World Cup!"

"Who is going to be captain?" must be a question on everybody's lips. The excitement at seeing the new, slimmed down McCarthy for the first time must have been palpable. The spread betting on how many games Dyer will start must have livened things up too. "Who will still be here come the start of the season?" must also be a topic of conversation amongst everybody.

How motivated will those rumoured to be on the way out feel? There must be a sense of a false dawn, of the wrong team, almost, turning up for training. Avram will no doubt be weighing up his options and thinking, thank God I don't have to work with this mob for the whole season!

No Zola, no Clarke, no Scotty Duxbury, no Nani but on the playing front, not a lot has changed. For now.

£12m for Loic Remy

More rumours of big money offers. Nice have turned down £11.2m apparently, no doubt because S&G are trying to spread the payments over 3 or 4 years. With Piquionne close to signing, it is looking increasing as if Carlton Cole is on his way out. Happily, we look as if we are going to buy before we sell which, after the disasters of last season, is very reassuring.

What about Diamanti? It's all gone quiet on that front. Is Grant perhaps thinking about keeping him?

Sidwell For Parker

I'm a bit worried about our interest in Sidwell. I have nothing against the guy (his hair apart of course) but he is, at best, a squad Premiership player. Yes he can score from midfield, which is something we need, but he doesn't boss games does he?

What really concerns me is the possibility that we may get him for nothing, as a makeweight for Scott Parker. £10m plus Sidwell, "a player we like and who were were quoted £4m for" may be the "silly money" that Sullivan and Gold are looking for. It would suit Villa and would give S&G a let out they may be grateful for. Watch that space!

How Do You Compare A Keeper Error With A Striker Error?

My post asking if Rob Green's error cost us a place in the semi-final of the World Cup has brought the usual highly predictable response. There are those who do not seem to understand that you can post pretty much what you want on the web - 'How can you even be allowed to post this rubbish?' type responses. Then there's the, "What about all the others' errors?" brigade, and it is that response I would like to address here.

Of course Green was not alone in making a serious error in the tournament. Rooney was clean through and his weak shot was deflected on to the post. Gerrard failed to hold his position and chose to shoot repeatedly against Germany when a pass was required. Terry and Upson were out of position time and again against Germany. Barry missed a tackle and lost possession for Germany's two second half goals. James should have done better with Germany's third goal. Lampard underperformed in the group stages. And so it goes on.

So, can you compare errors? Can you say, "We failed to win the group because of that error" as I attempted to do yesterday? Well, let's think about this.

As bad as we played, did anybody in the team really make a mistake as appalling as Green's? Spilling that shot compares with Cole's pass to Defoe in our home game against Spurs. Spilling that shot is, in striker's terms, the equivalent of having an open goal in front of you, five yards out, and spooning the ball over the bar. Spilling that shot was more inexcusable than Mido's penalty miss, more inexcusable than Spector's very worst errors last season, more inexcusable than Tomkins' rick against Wolves, it was more inexcusable even than Green's dreadful error at Bolton.

The point is, Green's error wasn't just an error, it was an absolute dereliction of duty. Doctors make mistakes, but Green's error would be the equivalent of a surgeon decapitating a patient instead of taking out his appendix. Golfers make mistakes but the equivalent would be facing in the opposite direction of the hole when taking a shot. Married men make mistakes, but the equivalent would be having sex with the next door neighbour's daughter in the church during her Christening!

Yes others made mistakes, but none of them will make it onto "The Worst Mistakes Ever In The History Of The World Cup Finals" Christmas Special, except, of course, the failure to award Lampard's "goal" against the Germans. Green, however, will figure in the top 5 countdown!

I might have missed the Rooney chance. I certainly wouldn't be able to live with Klose. The Algerians would be able to play triangles around me. But I would have saved that Dempsey shot. In fact my wife would have saved it. Dear God, my Mum might have parried it around the post. For pity's sake, David Blunkett couldn't have done a worse job than Green if he was between the sticks! THAT is how bad that error was! THAT is what sets it apart from every other mistake! And THAT is why Green's error is directly responsible for us not qualifying as group winners! Because, all other things being equal, we would still have topped the group had Green made the most basic of saves, a save that ANY keeper would be expected to make 999 times out of 1000, a shot that even you and me would expect to save 998 times out of 1000 in a kick around in the park! The other errors do not compare!

Did Rob Green Cost Us Place In World Cup Semi Final?

How good is this German team? I blogged before the tournament started that neither Brazil nor Argentina would make it through to the semifinals and I have been proved right. However, I also said Uruguay were only there to make up the numbers and that the Germans were not strong enough to go all the way. Oops.

After the hammering against Germany, the inquests started but very few people suggested that we had been beaten by a very, very good German team. It was all down to Terry, Upson, Gerrard, Barry and Rooney playing terribly and to Capello getting his tactics wrong. Now I still think that there is a lot of truth in that, but it is also beginning to look as if we were tonked by a very good German team playing at the very top of their game. Why didn't our superstars come to the party? Perhaps for the same reason that Messi and Tevez didn't come to the party either. The Germans didn't let them!

Had the Germans scratched their way to victory yesterday, then our players would still merit vilification perhaps, but the truth is, we did better against them than Messi and co. Had that Lampard "goal" stood, who knows what might have happened in the second half? We didn't deserve to go in at Half Time on levels terms based on chances, but we scored two goals that even Sceptic Bladder accepts should have been given and actually enjoyed more than 50% of the possession. That first German goal was an absolute joke and if World football based its tactics on that opener, then we would all be playing like the Wimbledon team of the 1980s! So, in that sense, we weren't beaten by a technically superior team either. The Germans looked fitter and had a better team shape, but that has to be down to Capello!

Once again, we are left with a sense of if only. I said this World Cup was ours to win. I said Italy, France, Brazil, Portugal and Argentina were not all that before a ball was kicked in anger. Holland are good but are not that special. Spain are very good but haven't played that well. The Germans are the jokers in the pack and meeting them in the first knock out round was an absolute disaster. Had we topped our group, we could well be in the semifinal now, and then who knows what might happen? When Green fumbled that Dempsey shot into the net, not only did he let his own international career slip through his fingers, he dropped the bloody World Cup into the bargain!

Are We In Sullivan & Gold Dreamland?

What is going on at Upton Park? I know they are only rumours but the rumours are now pretty persistent and pretty consistent. A few months ago we were broke, indeed facing financial Armageddon no less. Now we have apparently told Villa where to stick their £10m bid for Parker whilst wading in with improved bids for Remy, Nemar and Dorrans. There's talk of £16m bids flying around. What is going on?

Now there are three possible explanations for this. The first is that Sullivan and Gold are playing silly buggers and taking us for mugs. The club are trying to sell season tickets at the moment and so it makes perfect sense to chuck in a few big money bids, knowing that they won't be accepted anyway, in order to dupe fans in to parting with hard earned cash, thinking they are going to see a team of superstars.

The second possibility is that the debt was not as bad as S&G were making out and that the new Sky deal, with the parachute payments, has given us much more scope to trade in the transfer market than we were originally led to believe. Add in revenue generated from the sale of Cole, Behrami, Upson and Green, and maybe we do have £30m plus to play with.

The third possibility is that Sullivan & Gold have seen the Muppets Christmas Carol and realised that they can't take their ill earned wealth with them. Maybe Marley Sullivan has turned to Scrooge Gold and said, "You know what, these West Ham fans deserve better. Why don't we give them a year to remember?"

It doesn't sound terribly probable I know, but, well maybe, just maybe, Sullivan and Gold GENUINELY support the club and want us to succeed!

Liverpool Land Fulham's Woy

So Liverpool have got their man. After buying off Rafa and considering appointing King Kenny, the Reds have settled on Woy Hodgson.

A spokesman for the club confirmed, "Roy Hodgson is the perfect man for the job. We know that we will be known as the Weds from now on, but that is no big deal. The important thing is that he has the perfect CV. He has successfully managed a team with minimal expectations, taking them through to the final of the Europa League. If he can keep us in mid table and lead us to a European final next season, we will be delighted."

You have to feel for Fulham. Especially if Turds takes over!

McCarthy Promises Business

Benni is returning, slimmer, fitter and more determined. The ex Fattoburn Rovers striker has explained how sitting on his arse for a couple of weeks caused him to blow up uncontrollably. It wasn't his fault it seems, it was the injury what done it.

McCarthy explains that he "eats well" but it is unclear if "well" means healthily or lots. My money is on lots! Not good enough to make a poor South African squad, I am certainly not anticipating great things from the bloated one.

But time will tell. Sweepstake on how many goals Benni nets next season? My money is on two!