Taylor Brings Balance - but to where?

It looks as if Matty Taylor has been landed and it is refreshing to report the capture of a natural left footer. At last the issue of balance is being addressed - and it is about time!

The question is, where will Sam play him? Will it be on the left of midfield or will Taylor play at left back as he used to back in his early Pompey days?

Hopefully, we will now retain Ilunga and Taylor will be used on the left of midfield, enabling the former Bolton man to cover the Congolese left back when he ranges forward. The only concern with that combination is the lack of height as neither Ilunga nor Taylor are giants.

All hail Big Sam that shall be King hereafter...

Bloody hell we won and kept a clean sheet. And we were away from home. And we were playing a half decent team. And we went into the game without Barerra, Stanislas and Cole. Is this the time to start getting excited, especially with set play wizard Matty Taylor on his way?

All hail Big Sam, Thane of Bolton. All hail Big Sam, Thane of Blackburn. All hail Big Sam, that shall be King hereafter!

Mind you, Avram had a good record in pre season friendlies!

Watch West Ham Live For Free Tonight

Simply follow this link:

http://www.myp2p.eu/broadcast.php?matchid=123708&part=sports

Unfortunately, I have other commitments, but enjoy and let me know how they got on!

Kick off 7pm.

Cheer up Hammers, you could support QPR!

I know that QPR have just taken our place in the Prem but it looks to me as if their owners are even tighter and more short sighted than ours! As if signing Dyer wasn't a a big enough statement of non intent, they are now considering offering a contract to Gabbidon!

Why stop there? They could have Ilunga and Faubert fairly cheaply, Cole is available to lead their line, Keane hasn't found a new club yet and, unless I've missed something, Upson is still out there somewhere. Hell, go the whole hog and buy Green and Parker!

Yes QPR could nail their place in the bottom three simply be rebuilding West Ham United!

A Devalued Premiership!

Should Tevez and Fabregas depart, the Premiership brand will be devalued further. It was a huge loss to the competition when Ronaldo swanned off to Real Madrid and the defection of two genuinely World Class players will chip still more veneer away. Drogba, Lampard, Giggs and Gerrard are in decline, Scholes has retired, Essien is out for six months, the truly great players are concentrated together in Barcelona and Madrid and Torres may never recover his best form of a couple of seasons ago.

Wherever you look now, there are either journeymen or athletes. Sure Bale is tasty but his game is more about speed and commitment than sublime ability. Yes Van Persie is class but how long will he hang around after Fabregas has gone? Of course Rooney is talented but he is now the most precious jewel in the Man Utd crown rather than one of a host of sparklers.

Nani, Valencia, Malouda, Saurez, Toure, Silva, Modric, Nasri, Van Der Vaart, Fernandes, Young - they are all good or very good but they are not "special" like Tevez, Ronaldo and Fabregas. When Downing and Henderson command fees of £20m and £16m respectively, you know the cupboard is pretty damn bare! If this continues, the marketing men may start to struggle as they attempt to sell the "Best League in the World" line.

And then look at the supporting cast. I don't mean to be disrespectful here but isn't the Prem cheapened when you see QPR, Swansea, Norwich and Wigan in the starting line up? Wolves, Sunderland, Fulham, Blackburn, West Brom, Stoke...there are lots of games that promise to be less than mouth watering contests in amongst that lot isn't there?

And of course, on top of all that, the Prem has been stripped of the might of Kovac, Boa, Piquionne, Obinna, Spector and, as things stand, Cole, Parker and Green. Never mind the big kick off, August threatens to be the big turn off at this rate.

Allardyce condemns Fat BarStewards United!

So there we have it, Doctor Evil is shocked by the poor fitness levels of the squad. Quite why, is anybody's guess.

Didn't he see us play last season? Didn't he notice how the team only seemed able to play for 45 minutes in every game? It doesn't say a lot for his skills of observation that he missed what was obvious to every supporter who witnessed the humiliating apology for performances over the last 18 months.

When did it all start going wrong? When Zola brought in his Italian fitness team, or when Sullivan and Gold sacked them? To be fair to the Italians, stamina appeared far more of an issue last season than in the season before, so it looks like the buck here stops at the Dildo Brothers. By trying to save money, it looks like they cut the throat of our Premiership life!

When Eight Becomes Six Becomes Five - New Recruits!

Not so long ago, Doctor Evil was talking about bringing in an additional 8 players. Well that was pruned back today to a maximum of six and maybe even to five, with Sam saying, "It could be five or six more players [coming in] before the end of the transfer window."

Sam keeps wandering off script too. I'm not sure the Dildo Brothers will be happy with Sam's honesty when he says, "Thirteen professionals have already left West Ham to address the situation that we find ourselves in from a financial point of view." Ouch! There's surely a better way of expressing that!
 
So who are these players and where are they coming from exactly? Are we holding on, waiting to see which players will be surplus to requirements as clubs finalise their 25 man squads? If so, that is a dangerous strategy because you end up writing off the first month of the season with no guarantees that you will catch the fish you are after anyway.
 
Tell me, how do you build team spirit on that basis? And tell me, what's the point of pre season fixtures if half your team aren't even on the club's books yet?
 
Is Parker going or staying? Is Cole going to start the season in West Ham colours? What are we going to do with Taco Bell wonderkid Barerra? Can we expect Green to stay? Is Ilunga now regarded as a viable option for left back? Has Faubert kissed and made up with the club? These questions need answering but, of course, the OS pumps out PR about promising kids.
 
We are no longer favourites to win the division. Others are stealing a march on us because they are doing their business early. If we are scratching our heads wondering what is going on, how must players like Tomkins, Noble and Collison be feeling? One season in the N Power wouldn't be a disaster for their careers but if the Board are not going to press for promotion, they will want out like their big time charlie team mates. And meanwhile, why would players like D J Campbell join?

Less than 3 weeks to kick off and still no signings.

Is it time to panic yet? The big kick off is now less than three weeks away and we still have a paper thin squad with no news of any imminent arrivals. If Parker, Barrera, Cole, Ilunga, Faubert and Green go in a rush, God help us.

True, if we keep that lot, things will not be that bad. I would fancy this team to finish in the top 4 of the Championship:

Green

Spence, Tomkins, Reid, Ilunga

Parker

Noble, Collison

Nolan

Piquionne, Cole

Subs: Stanislas, Barerra, Faye, Faubert, Sears, Boa, Lee, Stech, Nouble, Hall, Tombides, Hines, Brown

Have I forgotten anybody?

But if the big three go, along with Faubert, Barerra and Ilunga, we will struggle without decent recruitments. It is time for Sullivan and Gold to stop sitting on their hands and wallets!

Redknapp Nails West Ham's Parker Folly!

Even 'Arry, who loves Parker almost as much as he loves brown envelopes under the table, has admitted that the contract we have given Parker makes any approach for the 30 year old unviable. Explaining why Spurs are "unlikely" to bid, the Wheeler Dealer said:

"If you take into account the fee of around £8m, signing on fees and wages you're talking about a £30m deal. There is no way the club would sanction a deal for a 30-year-old who would have no resale value at the end of his contract."

So, Spurs wouldn't sanction that contract but West Ham did. Is it any wonder that Tottenham are in rude financial health and we are in the shit?

Allardyce Gets Tough to Save Face

Remember when you were at school and you heard rumours that your girlfriend was going to dump you so you got in first and chucked her? Well that seems like a pretty accurate description of what has happened with No Eidur.

The deal was done but No Eidur prevaricated, with his Dad flying in at the last minute so save his son from a fate worse than death, joining West Ham! "Is it a bird, is it a plane, no it's No Eidur's Dad, flying half way around the globe to persuade his son that Iceland has even more in common with Greece - both nations are bankrupt - than with West Ham. 'Son', he says, 'Gab your things I've come to take you home!"

And with No Eidur packing his XXL underpants in his suitcase, Doctor Evil struck! "No!", a voice boomed. "No I will not stand for that! Reject me? Reject Me? I'll give him reject me! I reject him! There, stick that in your Icelandic pipe and smoke it, I reject you! Nah nah nah nah nah. I don't want you! Your dad's a poof, your mum's a whore and you can't kiss anyway! Takes one to know one, he who dealt it smelt it, your sister's a tramp, your brother's a wimp, you're not quite evil enough anyway. Well it's true! It's true! You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough!"

Even Greece has more dosh than West Ham!

It's bad enough when QPR and Brighton are able to secure players that we are after, but it really is taking the koulourakia when a Greek side can afford to pay more for the services of a player than we can muster. The whole bloody nation is bankrupt for fcuk's sake! Their latest austerity measure probably involves selling off the Greek half of Cyprus to the Turks without telling the Cypriots!

Quite what Gudjohnsen thinks he is going to be paid in is anybody's guess. Half way through his two year deal he will probably be collecting wheel barrow loads of drachma at the end of each training session!

Personally, I hope No Eidur ends up at AEK because I fancied Big Sam had lost his Elgin Marbles when he tried to sign him in the first place: the guy is fat and over the Lycabettus Hill so the Greeks are welcome to him!

Tottenham's Sandro out for 3 months - Parker hopeful of dream move!

With Sandro ruled out for three months and Modric still hopeful of a Great Escape from Levy's Mediocrity Mission, Scotty's chances of a dream move to Tottenham may have edged closer. Certainly the timing is perfect for West Ham. With both Essien and Sandro out, the demand for a quality holding midfield player increases, and the rules of supply and demand mean that Parker's value should therefore increase.

Tottenham won't want to let Chelsea target Jenas go now but 'Arry knows that Parker would do a better job than Jermaine regardless. Sandro's injury could have the effect, therefore, of bringing both Chelsea and Spurs back into play, hopefully triggering a bidding war.

Dear God, the man was Player of the Year last season; surely somebody wants him!

Where's Stani?

Concern is being expressed about missing contributor Stani Army. If you know of his whereabouts, please contact this blog, MI5, the police and Interpol.

Identification may be difficult. We have very little information to work on. Stani is a Muslim and supports the Pakistan cricket team. He is easily enraged if anybody touches on any subject related to racism and if anybody implies that Sharia Law is barbaric. He may be flushed out if you stand on the street corner and argue any of the following points:

1) Grant is a great football manager.
2) Zola destroyed the team built by Curbishley.
3) Green is a great keeper.
4) Gabbidon is useless.
6) Noble should be England's next play-maker.
7) Cole is hopeless.
8) Piquionne was a good signing.
9) Ben Haim is a decent defender.
10) Sullivan & Gold are great owners.

Some people believe that Stani is still looking in and posing as an anonymous. Others fear for his health or life. Others feel he took umbrage at the post questioning the contribution of black players to the West Ham cause. Others suspect that, infuriated by the decadence of the West (not just West Ham), Stani has moved to Pakistan where he is currently running a book on the outcome of cricket matches. Of course, he may just have got bored and moved on.

If you know something, anything, tell somebody. Stani must be out there somewhere!

Scotty says no to Turkey but yes to a Villa in Birmingham?

Oh the irony! Chelsea, it seems, don't want him. Levy, it seems, has told 'Arry he can't have him. Wenger, it seems, has declared, "Il n'est pas Francais". Man City, it seems, haven't even noticed he is available. Dalglish, it seems, wants every other living Englishman ahead of him.

So poor Scotty is left low and dry, beached on the banks of the Thames, unloved and unwanted despite the Player of the Year medal draped around his neck and his two recent caps worn jauntily on his head. How can this be? How can the best player in the whole of England be so cruelly shunned in this way?

But there is hope. Aston Villa, who so nearly plummeted from the Prem last season and who have subsequently shed their keeper and two best outfield players, want to buy Scotty and are willing to spend £7million to get him. They also want N'Zogbia who was involved in a relegation scrap himself last season.

Hang on, pause a moment! Last season a team in Claret and Blue appointed a manager who had guided his previous club to Wembley and relegation - and he made Parker the fulcrum of his team! Now a team in Claret and Blue have appointed a manager who guided his last team to Wembley and relegation and he wants to make Parker the fulcrum of his team too!

What is it they say about history repeating itself, first as a tragedy and then as a farce?

The Nerve of Dyer!

Can you believe the guy? Apparently, it's all the club's fault that he has sat on his arse injured ever since he joined us! Bad advice, misdiagnosis, poor treatment - if in better hands, our Six Million Dollar Man would have been rebuilt and playing week in and week out apparently.

What bollocks. The guy was a sicknote before he joined us and pulled up lame when on loan to Ipswich. It's down to attitude and pain thresholds: in Dyer's case that reads poor and zero!

How hilarious is it to read him say, "I'm 100 per cent fit at the moment. I'm fit and looking forward to the start of the season." Funny the way he is always 100% fit in July, but come August...

Official Site issues panic statement over Cole

One thing's for sure, when a club feels the need to make an official statement, there's something very odd afoot. So, Carlton has turned down the chance to join Stoke. Big deal, why wouldn't he? He is a London lad and a social fellow by all reports. His Mum lives down south and so do all his mates. And Stoke is a shit hole.

So why the panicky need to issue a statement claiming the breakdown in the deal had nothing to do with extravagant wage demands or the deep seated injury that Carlton is reportedly carrying? I smell a rat.

On one hand the statement is saying don't turn on Carlton. He didn't ask to leave. He hasn't held out for a massive salary, just wage parity. He is a valued member of the team.

On the other hand, I have a sense of a smoke screen. There's something dodgy here, mark my words!

What has been confirmed by all this is that Carlton doesn't want to leave and is being forced out. Not many weeks back Gold was telling us that we would lose our England players because they WANTED to leave. Well, that's not true in Carlton's case in seems. And has anybody heard Green demanding a move? Sure Parker wants out but Mr West Ham, our Claret & Blue legend, is intent on playing in the Prem to prolong his England career.

Cole Rejects Stoke Again!

Once again, we see how stupidly our cub has been run. Offered the chance of Premiership football and the opportunity to press his England claims, Carlton has said bugger off because it would involve a drop in his wages. Let's just repeat that. West Ham are in a mountain of debt and languishing in the N Power whilst Stoke are resident in the Prem, looking forward to a season in Europe and in rude financial health, but Carlton will be earning more if he stays at Upton Park than if he joins the Pulis revolution in the Piss Potteries.

It's absolutely bloody crazy. And because of this mismanagement - which also sees us considering a loan deal for Parker because not even Chelsea want to take on his absurd wages for the next four years - we cannot reshape the team to Doctor Evil's liking.

Of course there were two other stumbling blocks. Why would anybody in his right mind move from London to Stoke? Unless, of course, he was doing a runner from his bookies! Stoke is a shit hole.

And then there was Stoke's insistence that Cole's bonus be based on goals scored. "Goals?" Carlton asked, "What are those?"

Eidur reveals he has always supported West Ham

Eidur Gudjohnsen has told the world that he has been a die hard Claret & Blue fan since he was knee high to an ice hopper. Speaking on the eve of signing for West Ham, Gudjohnsen revealed:

"I was heart broken when a number of proposed moves to West Ham broke down. Initially I was linked with a move in the summer of 2009 but sadly gangsters put a gun to my head and forced me to join Monaco instead."

"When things didn't work out for me in the Principality I was all set to move to Upton Park with the club even putting me up in a £1500 a night suite in the Dorchester as I pondered the move. Sadly that wily old fox Mr Redknapp came knocking with a contract in his hand. Of course, knowing his West Ham connections, I signed without asking any questions. You can guess at my surprise when I discovered that, whilst I had been abroad, Redknapp had become manager of Tottenham. Tottenham! As a West Ham fan I hate them but what could I do? The contract was signed!"

Wiping away icicles from beneath his eyes, Eidur continued: "And then when things didn't work out for me at Tottenham, it was my dearest hope that West Ham would come in for me again but sadly Mr Grant had taken over as manager and had different ideas. Stoke came in for me and I waited and waited and waited, hoping West Ham would make contact. I stalled signing that contract for...well it must have been two or three...hours. But eventually I had to accept the inevitable - West Ham didn't want me. My hand shook as I signed that contract. "

He smiled as he added: "But now everything has worked out perfectly. Stoke don't want me after I failed to score in 4 starts and my childhood dream is about to be realised. Happily Mark Hughes left Fulham and so that move never happened and, by great good fortune, no other club was interested in me after I'd only scored two goals since 2009. So, I am soon to be a West Ham player and I want the fans to know that money was not a consideration. I only joined Barcelona because they play in Claret and Blue and linked up with Chelsea so I could live in the city of the club I love."

He ended: "There is a history linking West Ham and Iceland and I am sure that this new chapter in the Icelandic Hammers link will prove every bit as glorious as the last one. West Ham need a 25 goal a season striker and my two goals in three years suggest I am that man!"

Faubert Costs West Ham Confidence Boosting Draw

Two games under Doctor Evil and two defeats. True, we can take some heart from pushing both Young Boys and Basel close, whilst giving a run out to lots of youngsters, but at the end of the day, both games were lost and that doesn't do a lot of good for confidence.

If you trust the OS, a number of players acquitted themselves well but our only goal was a penalty and with Nouble scoring in the first match from a corner, we haven't fashioned a goal from open play over 180 minutes. And the average of two goals conceded per game suggest that the old defensive frailties remain.

True Noble and Collison haven't played. True Nolan has only completed 45 minutes over the two games. True Hall, and Brown, and Spence and Lee have shown promise. True Stanislas and Tomkins have suggested they could have big seasons ahead of them. True Ilunga played. True Stech has looked steady. And true it is early days.

Grant, of course won all these pre season games and then look what happened. But I would feel so much better if I saw a clean sheet and a victory some time very soon!

Mind you, a 1-1 draw would have been creditable but sadly Faubert blew it by conceding a penalty in the last minute. He really is a useless cnut!

Why the future of West Ham remains bright despite a catalogue of cock ups!

(Article submitted by Kevin in Manchester)

In the last twenty years or so West Ham has made cock up, by dint of desperation, an art form.

When we set about redeveloping Upton Park we managed three sides of the ground before relegation and plunging income bolloxed the opportunity to finish the job.

When the Cearns sold up they chose the dead hand of Terry Brown; terrified no doubt of the opprobrium that may fall on them if they sold it to G&S who were gagging for it.( Little realising that in the PL no one cares where your money come from as long as you have got it and plenty of it- but also pornography, for better or worse- was about to go mainstream.)

For all the guffawing about dildos and jazz mags, Messieurs Gold and Sullivan wouldn’t have brass farthings to rub together if they weren’t servicing a mass market.

Upon being gifted two of the world’s best players, we snatched at them without considering the small print or if we had a manager with the wit to integrate them into the team and, as a result, we suffered pain, humiliation and a multi-million pound hole in the pocket.

As the age of billionaire sugar daddies dawned with the coming of Abromovich ‘up west’ – we managed to pick one with economic feet of clay. We did not even use the period before he was rumbled to invest wisely –choosing to pay Champions League wages to a collection of crocks and mercenaries ultimately incapable of keeping us out of the Championship.

When Paul Lambert applied for the West Ham managers job – we picked Zola (and then Grant!)

Now we have the biggest opportunity of all and blow me! Uncle cock-up comes calling again (Ho, Ho!).

I do not care how detached Ms Knight and her West Ham paramour were from the bidding process; it was madness to contract her under any circumstances. Even so, the government, the OLC, Boris and Newham have so much invested in West Ham moving in to the Olympic Stadium the season after next it’ll probably still happen.

If anyone doubts just what a boon the Olympic Stadium could be for West Ham, ask yourself why Daniel Levy, who hitherto is not known for mucking up, has been prepared to throw good money after bad to stop us moving in? It is nothing personal that would be mad and he isn’t.

It is because he knows that the location, transport links, economic ecology and iconic imagery are worth millions and the OS has it in spades. The sheer footfall will be mind boggling and it will be just about the best connected place in the UK. It will be possible to ship in and ship out a full house in not much more than 30 minutes – making it attractive not only for the casual fan but also a magnet for corporate entertainment.

It may seem trivial but crowded trains and traffic jams annoy people. So much so, Primo Nebiolo, the former head of world athletics (IAAF) after one nasty trip to Crystal Palace in the 1980’s, decided there and then to move the organisation from Knightsbridge to Monaco. No matter how shiny the proposed reboot of Crystal Palace that Levy had planned; he could do nothing about south London gridlock and that’s why the athletics legacy people weren’t buying it.

Liverpool’s failure to keep pace with Manchester United was in part down to an absence of vision; they didn’t see Manchester United turning Old Trafford into a cash cow as particularly significant. Levy understands very well how significant the OS could be for West Ham- not only for all the reasons stated above but also although the club is moving only a few miles; they are a significant few.

It puts us at the heart of a much bigger catchment area rather than to the south of it; it will make us a stronger presence in that rather moneyed arc of suburbia that swings south and east from Enfield to Southend where, hey, guess who have the odd season ticket holder!

Levy’s big mistake was to baulk at the athletics track; if he hadn’t Tottenham would have got it. I suspect it was bad timing. What started as a back-up plan for Northumberland Avenue (?) suddenly became the main event the more he looked into it but he didn’t have the bollocks to do a U-turn, face down fans and go with the track.

I doubt the track will be the impediment many seem to fear. I have read that stadiums with running tracks haven’t worked elsewhere but only from those who are against the move. As long as it is noisy- and I believe it has been designed to enhance the sound of the crowd – I am sure it will work fine, develop its own atmosphere and that most of us will learn to love it.

We have failed to do the right thing so often in the past but even so with the gift of the Olympic Stadium I’m tempted to say only an idiot could blow it now, but then again …….

Kovac Stands Between West Ham & Victory!

Looks like Rad the Impaler could be in the Basel team that plays Doctor Evil's West Ham United this afternoon. How ironic would it be if Kovac plays a blinder and scores the winner?

Mind you, "Kovac stands between West Ham and victory" pretty much sums up Radislav's Claret & Blue career!

Sullivan Entertains Parallel Parker Universe!

Would you believe it, the Gobby One fancies LOANING Scotty Parker to money bags Chelsea. Why? Because we really like Parker apparently and he still has four or five good years in him, so what could be better than lending him to Chelsea for the best of those years?

Why exactly are Chelsea looking to loan rather than buy the guy? Because, of course, they know that with his all action style and history of injuries, he has a limited shelf life. Even super rich Chelsea don't want to commit to paying the guy £83,000 a week into his footballing dotage.

Press reports suggest that Tottenham are no longer interested. It seems that Levy may have won the argument with Redknapp, even if they bank £35million plus for Modric. Why blow £20m of that on Parker's fee and three years wages? You would have to be as stupid as...well as stupid as Sullivan & Gold to entertain a 3 year wage bill of £12million for a huff and puff merchant who has turned 30!

Anyway, I'm off to buy a lottery ticket for the Euro Millions. I only have to pay £165million for a ticket and if my number comes up, I win £2!

Two transfer targets turn down West Ham

Another day and more bad news on the transfer front. Bothroyd has opted for little old QPR over medium sized West Ham and former player Twocapchesky has linked up with the man who gave him those two caps, at Leicester.

We are being told how impressed Allardyce is with O'Brien, but the Dildo Brothers are no doubt keen on that signing because he is available on a free. As each day goes by, so the available pool of talent reduces and the concern grows.

Let's hope that the Parker and Cole deals are done quickly, freeing up some ready cash, or I fear we could be facing a third consecutive season battling against relegation. And losing that struggle really would spell disaster.

At this point, does anybody fancy a season ticket?

West Ham resort to telesales in desperate attempt to shift season tickets

Have you received your call yet?

"Hi, is that Mr Hammersfan? Hi there, it's Chrissy here, 36-23-34, favourite position reverse cowboy, I'm ringing from the West Ham ticket office to ask if you realise that you have forgotten to renew your season ticket for the coming season?"

"As you know, the club is offering a fantastic deal, holding prices at 2010-11 levels, giving you the amazing opportunity to watch N-Power Championship football at the same price as you paid for Premiership football last season. The good news is, of course, that we may win more than five home games in the coming season."

"We have, of course, been inundated with season ticket renewal applications, so have decided to extend the window for renewing tickets and, whilst processing the mountain of applications, we are calling to give all those who have not yet applied the opportunity to do so."

"If not interested in renewing your season ticket, you may be interested in our wonderful Energy Switch service. Let us find the best gas and electricity deal for you and support your club by giving us a cut of the commission."

"If that does not appeal, perhaps you would like to place an order for our new replica shirts, available at a very special price, plus £25 postage and packing."

"Alternatively, we could have a different kind of conversation if you call me on the Premium Rate "I'm Chrissy and I'll Blow Your Bubbles" chatline service. Simply call 0895 6969696969. You know the owners think you are wankers so why not enjoy yourself and support the club by knocking one off for the boys in Claret & Blue?"

"We are West Ham United, we are the footballing whores of the N Power Championship!"

Cole is carrying an injury - confirmed!

The most interesting thing about Cole's proposed move to Stoke is the news that he is carrying a deep seated injury. Stoke's chairman Coates confirms, "He has got an injury problem and he's always had that. That's another risk you take, you have to factor that in, but he's a good player and Tony has always liked him. Managers like different players don't they and Tony has always liked him."

Coates isn't specific about the nature of the injury and Carlton's critics will allege it is a deep seated allergy to the back of the net, but Carlton's lack of mobility since he pulled up lame against Villa back in November of 2009 is perhaps now explained. He has never looked the same player since.

In the light of this, it looks a good deal to offload him. Carlton is damaged goods psychologically, if he is damaged physically too, Stoke are welcome to him!

McCarthy to Reunite with Allardyce and West Ham?

So McBenni has not yet found a club and, apparently, has been in "no hurry" to do so. Well to borrow from Murray Mints, you can't hurry a McBenni.

Apparently he has just returned from a working holiday in Disneyland, where he has been doubling up as Bluto and Baloo Bear, in between feeding his face with burgers of course. Just imagine the horror in all those "Eat as much as you like" Orlando restaurants as McBenni waddled through the door.

Anyway, McBenni is clubless and West Ham need a 25 goal a season striker and Big Sam has worked with Big Benni in the past and was reluctant to lose him so the solution is obvious. Get the man a pen and support his elbow as he signs on the dotted line!

McBenni's coming home!

(Apologies to Benni, somehow a picture of Avram has appeared!)

Sack Allardyce Now!

One game played, one defeat! He has a worse win ratio than Zola & Grant! He has to go! We can't stand for this!

Act now Sullivan & Gold before it is too late!

Just thought I would get in there ahead of the clowns!

No Cole, Parker, Noble, Barerra, Green, Collison or Tomkins...

...in the starting line up today. Is this a clue about things to come?

Betfair Odds for Young Boys v West Ham

Young Boys 4/5 West Ham 7/2 The Draw 3-1

Young Boys v West Ham's kids and it appears the odds are against us!

Kick off shortly! Come on you Iron Filings!

Big Sam's Kindergarten United

Interesting to see the OS lauding the virtues of taking 5 kids on the trip to Switzerland. There is the usual stuff about great opportunities but the truth of the matter is that, without them, we would struggle to put out a team!

I am sure we all hope that Olly Lee, Montano, George Moncur, Jordan Brown and Robert Hall look llike superstars in the making and play an important role as we conquer the n-Power this season, but there is this nagging worry that Sullivan and Gold will use them as an excuse for not bringing in experienced players. Let's face it, a Toblerone bar is a cheap form of bonus!

Or perhaps that is the right approach. Instead of bringing in clapped out yard dogs, perhaps we should factor in 2 seasons in the n-Power instead of one and aim to go back up with a team of young starlets and cash to burn on new recruits. How's this for a starting 11?

Stech: Spence, Tomkins, Faye, Brown; Barerra, Noble, Collison, Montano; Nolan (capt); Piquionne. Subs Lee, Boa, Hall, Stanislas, Sears, Hines, Reid, Boffin.

Should we be brave, say "fcuk it" and prove we are the Academy?

Barrera MUST be retained!

Well it seemed to work with Collison yesterday! I blogged that Collison must be retained and urged Twitter account holders to Twatter Gold, and within the hour, Gold Twattered that Collison was going nowhere.

It seems that during this time of faltering season ticket sales, we, the fans, may actually have some sort of voice in the decision making.

Now the rumours centre on Barerra after his brilliant efforts for Mexico this summer. Real Zaragova and Wigan want him apparently and I fear we will be tempted to sell because of stage payments if Pablo gets an extended run in the team. But to sell him at the moment would be madness. This boy could yet be very good indeed. Or totally crap!

It worked yesterday with Collison so let's make our feelings clear about Pablo too. Twatter Gold and say that the Taco Bell Doppelganger must be retained!

Collison MUST be retained.

This is getting bloody silly. West Brom have bid £2.5m and offered to treble Collison's £4,000 per week salary if he joins. Treble it? We should cut the crap and pay him £25,000 a week to get that contract signed.

How the hell can Parker be worth £83,000 a week and Collison be on just £4,000? Is it any wonder that all sense of team work disappeared at the club?

Apparently, contract negotiations with Collison have stalled. Are we surprised if West Brom's £12,000 a week salary offer is deemed more than competitive?

If we allow Collison to go then a very clear signal is being given that Sullivan and Gold have only one priority - to reduce the debt. We have a "squad" of 16 players as things stand and Collison is one of the best of them. To let him go would be criminal.

If any of you are on Twitter, twatter Gold now and make your feelings clear on this one! Hines can fcuk off; Collison must be retained!

Sullivan & Gold drowning in their own BS!

Dear God, do these guys take West Ham fans for COMPLETE idiots? Just look at the output of the OS! Earlier today we were hearing how this was a big season for young Brown, the only left back at the club once Fry and Ilunga have departed. The latest is an attempt to big up Junior Stanislas, no doubt ahead of news of Barerra's departure.

But the best one of all is their claim that, "The club has been inundated with season ticket requests so has decided to extend the renewal period". What cobblers! What they mean is that they have been utterly underwhelmed by applications and are holding out longer in the hope of finding more mugs before dropping prices.

If you have already committed to buying a season ticket, how do you feel exactly and how will you feel when the "special offers" cut in after the first (televised) game of the season?

£4.5m for Cole? Tell Stoke where to stick it!

So Stoke have not bid £6million for Carlton as some reports suggested but £4.5m rising to £6m based on appearances - lets hope it is appearances and not goals or God only knows when we would see the balance of the money!

To my mind, the offer is derisory. I know Cole isn't Shearer or Lineker, but if Bent is worth £20m rising to £24m, then Cole must be worth £6m up front of any club's money surely?

Once again, the failure to rejuvenate the squad last summer is coming back to bite us. Back then, Cole, Behrami, Parker and Green would have commanded a combined transfer fee of £25m; now we look like netting £15m for the four if we are lucky - and we have paid out £10million of that in wages! And for what? We finished bottom for fcuk's sake!

What a shambles!

Are Sullivan and Gold really THAT stupid?

Fans seem to be undecided about our illustrious owners. Some believe they are fans and have a master plan to turn West Ham into a major force in the Prem; others think they are on a money making exercise and don't give a toss about the club; and another group adhere to the "cock up" theory.

What's indisputable is that since they have taken charge, they have made a series of awful decisions. Yes we were in a mess when they bought the club, but we were in the Prem, and we are not now. Decisions which fall somewhere between questionable and awful include:

1) The signing of McCarthy.
2) The signing of Mido.
3) The failure to sign defenders in the January 2010 window.
4) The undermining of Zola whilst he was still manager.
5) The stupid, "Everybody is for sale except Parker" statement.
6) The absurd contract given to Parker which has deflated his value now we have been relegated.
7) The failure to sign a left back in the January and summer windows of 2010.
8) The appointment of Avram Grant.
9) The failure to renew an inadequate squad last summer, moving out Parker, Cole, Behrami, Upson and Green and using the money to rebuild.
10) The terrible bungling attempt to replace Grant in January.
11) The decision to then leave the wounded and resentful Grant in charge.
12) The distraction of the Olympic Stadium.
13) The decision to employ an employee of the OLC as a consultant for the club.
14) Failing to arrest the slide towards relegation.
15) As we stand, with the new season less than a month away, we can''t even name a first 11 if all the players rumoured to be leaving do, in fact, defect.

That is quite a list given they have only been in charge for 18 months! What have they achieved on the positive side?

1) The wage bill has been slashed and will be slashed further.
2) As things stand, we will be the tenants of the Olympic Stadium.
3) We have signed Nolan.
4) The debt has been reduced despite falling revenues and, because of the slash and burn decimation of the squad, we are positioned to "survive Armageddon" of relegation.
5) Fans expectations have been brilliantly managed so, even now, there is not widespread revolt.

Can anybody think of anything else? Some will argue the retention of Scotty but we find ourselves in the Championship and Scotty is worth less now than he was a year ago so that must be seen as an error surely?

So, what is going on? Are the guys complete idiots? That seems unlikely given their record for making money. Who were the idiots at Birmingham, Sullivan & Gold who bought low and sold high, trousering a wedge, or the new dodgy owner / the poor Birmingham fans who celebrated jumping out of the frying pan into the fire?

Are they doing everything in the interests of West Ham United, the football club, and its fans? Unlikely surely. We are in the Championship and Doctor Evil Allardyce is in charge of the Academy of Football. Would ANY West Ham fan have opted for this scenario when the Dildo Boys took over the club?

Is this a master plan to make a personal fortune then? I remain very worried about the sale of the Boleyn. How much of the proceeds will be used to clear the debts ahead of selling the club at a tasty profit to any dodgy money launderer sloshing around at the time? My guess is 100% of it.

I may be wrong. Sullivan and Gold may be idiots but I fear that if the fans really want to spot the mugs at Upton Park, they need to look in the mirror.

Could Diamanti Return?

It is an interesting thought. Brescia owe us money for the Italian One Cap Wonder and we are calling for him to be suspended from playing until the debt is settled. With Brescia relegated and Doctor Evil in need of eight players, might a sensible solution be for Diamanti to return to Upton Park? I'd back him to score 20 goals in the Championship personally, feeding off Piquionne and Nolan.

Green, Cole, Parker, Barerra, Spector & Gabbidon all in Departure Lounge

The Exodus continues! At this rate, West Ham will need Moses to lead our people to the Promised Land which seems to be anywhere and everywhere other than West Ham. Doctor Evil is talking of eight players needed to fill the holes left by all the departing players but you have to wonder if even that will be enough!

If the runes are right, by the time the season kicks off we will have shed Kovac, Keane, Bridge, da Costa, Obinna, Dyer, Cole, Parker, Gabbidon, Spector, Green, Barerra, Ba, Hitzlsperger, Faubert, Ilunga, Jacobsen and Upson from last season's squad. So far we have brought in just 2 players, which means that 10 players will be replacing 18 if Sam has got his numbers right. God help us if we suffer any injuries!

Who is lined up to come in? Well da Rosa and O'Brien are on trial and neither fills one with a sense of anticipation! Apart from those, we have been linked with Konchesky and, ludicrously in my opinion, Joe Cole and otherwise, God only knows. There were whispers about Gradel joining from Leeds but nothing has happened there and Mucky-Smith preferred cosy Brighton to bleak midwinter West Ham.

Somehow we are favourites for promotion but on the basis of what exactly? If everybody predicted to leave goes, we have the following team at the moment:

Stech

Spence, Tomkins, Faye, Nobody

Collison, Noble, Nolan, Stanislas,

Piquionne, Sears

I dont know about you but I don't fancy that team to run away with the division. The ONLY cover with first team experience would be Boffin (one game), Boa, Edgar (League Cup as sub), Hines (if he signs a new contract), Nouble, O'Neil (who won't play before Christmas, if ever!) and Reid. That is truly terrifying!

It's all very well saying we will bring in eight players but who are they, how much will they cost and when exactly will they arrive - the season is less than a month away!

Brazilian Pole Dancer Heading to Upton Park

A da Rosa by any other name would smell as sweet but we all know what you put on roses to make them grow! Is it just me or are others worried about the prospect of signing an unknown Brazilian defender who has been a "star" in the Polish league?

Apparently, this guy has been performing a staring role for the mighty Korona Kielce no less. He is clearly a 27 year old superstar in the making!

Why do we want him? For the same reason that Poles are working all across London? They come cheap?

Konchesky or Ilunga?

Rumours suggest we are in the hunt to sign former Hammer Paul Konchesky to fill the left back void that has existed ever since...well ever since Turds off-loaded OneCap to Fulham actually and the Board shipped out Linda against AC's wishes. Since then, there has been a yawning hole down our left flank. True Ilunga had one good season whilst on loan, but having landed a full time contract, he gave up first on trying and then on playing.

Since then we have tried Spector at left back with disastrous results. Daprela was thrown to the lions by Zola, holding him back for games against Arsenal (twice) and Chelsea. Ben Haim had a run out but without any great success. Gabbidon was even worse in that position than at centre back. Upson had a game in the berth and actually looked the best of the bad bunch to my mind. Lopez was tried and we went out of the Gnats Piss Cup to Watford on his watch. And, of course, Bridge came as the most expensive bridge in London and failed to cross the divide between our centre backs and the left hand touchline.

Want to explain why we went down? The failure to invest in full backs goes a long way to answering that question. What use is a back four when two of the four don't know how to play in the position? Look at the other flank! Neill was in his dotage and slowing by the day and after he defected, we've tried Spector, Behrami, Faubert, Gabbidon, Spence, Tomkins and Jacobsen in the position. Of those, only Jacobsen is a specialist right back and he wasn't good enough for the Blackburn team. What a farce! Time and again I have used this blog to call on managers and owners to buy full backs but season after season, other positions were prioritised.

How do you score against West Ham? Send crosses into the box. How do you stop crosses? Your full backs get tight and block the supply. So what have we done about it? Bugger all.

Even now, full backs seem to be an afterthought. Is Konch the answer? Maybe but I'm not convinced he is any better than Ilunga to be honest. Who will play right back? It's looking like Spence at the moment. What cover do we have in the event of injury or suspension? Bugger all.

The season kick off is less than a month away now. God only knows how the defence can train as a unit because half of the defence isn't even at the club yet! As usual with West Ham, it looks a bloody mess!

Sullivan & Gold Miss Marketing Opportunity

I can't believe it! Sullivan and Gold have missed a marvelous marketing opportunity by deciding not to produce a dvd for the 2010-11 season. Surely it would have flown off the Ann Summers shelves if appropriately named: "The World's Biggest Tits, C**ts & Arses"!

Liverpool opt for Adam over Parker

Another day and another Parker suitor drops out as Liverpool opt for a right Charlie rather than a wrong Scotty. Poor Parker must be feeling like the ugly sister with a Cambridge degree at the moment. Oh how the parents boast about the academic ability but when it comes to finding a husband, it's "I'm sorry dear but men marry beauty not intelligence. Yes you have a degree but look at your youngest sister's tits and your other sister's boat race."

So Scotty remains on the Championship shelf, loved only, it seems, in Turkey where he doesn't want to play. Levy may yet sanction a move but only if the price comes down low enough and if West Ham agree to pay half of Scotty's salary. It will probably end up costing us to get Spurs to take him off our hands!

Meanwhile, the man who didn't win Player of the Year is off to Anfield. Funny that. Maybe it is something to do with his 12 goals and 6 assists last season?

Another Day and Still No New Faces

Ok so we have Faye and Nolan but with all the departures, the squad is looking distinctly threadbare. There's been talk of seven new signings, and last week the club suggested we were closing in on three players, but since then, nothing. One target eluded us: Mucky-Smith is at Brighton. We are still chasing DJ Campbell apparently, but he wants Premiership football. Who else?

Some will say it is too early to panic but the season kicks off in a month's time - and we don't want the players meeting each other for the first time on the eve of the big kick off!

The problem almost certainly centres on our failure to raise funds from sales. I'm sure Boycie and Del Boy were banking on receiving £14million for Scotty & Carlton but so far interest in both has been luke warm. With Ilunga rumoured to be the next one to leave and Faubert likely to follow him out of the door, you have to wonder if we will be able to cobble a team together to play Cardiff!

Allardyce Pulls Out of Race to Sign Former Liverpool Star

I have to say that I am bitterly disappointed. What's happened to loyalty in football exactly? With Mini Me Sammy Lee rolled out of Liverpool, to make way for Kevin Played Two Lost Two For Two Against Six Keen no less, it looked odds on that the barrel of lard would link up again with Doctor Evil at Upton Park. However, Sam Pot has made it clear that the Scouse Blobby is not needed.

Dissing the rumours, Allardyce told anybody who was interested: "I already have one overweight Wally on the coaching team so why do I need another?"

Good point Sam.

West Ham Fans In State of Panic

Be ready for news of West Ham fans throwing themselves off the Queen Elizabeth the Second Bridge when they miss the "last opportunity to renew" their season tickets today. Imagine the horror of missing out on the deal of the century!

Last season you paid your money to see West Ham lose to Man Ud, Chelsea, Birmingham, Arsenal, Villla...well the list is almost endless! But don't forget that victory over Spurs and that thrilling 0-0 draw at home to Blackpool! This season, you can pay exactly the same price to watch West Ham play Doncaster, Peterborough and Mucky-Smith led Brighton and Hove Albion!

It will be like the night before Wimbledon quarter final day on Green Street today. Anxious Hammers fans pitched their tents 24 hours ago and...oh no sorry, the tents are just the temporary homes of illegal immigrants hoping to find work on the Olympic Stadium by channeling a deal sweetener via Karren Brady's contacts!

Business has been "brisk" according to the Official Site so your chances of being able to get your seat are as slim as Dawn French. Remember, Samaritans already have a special extension dedicated to West Ham fans, simply ring up and give the code westhamtilidie... oops, that just takes you through to the gay counselling service!

Remember, don't delay. This could be your last opportunity to see Scotty play for West Ham. Well, it could be your last chance to see Scotty play well for West Ham. At his age, semi retirement is just around the corner but how wonderful would it be to know that your hard earned cash is funding this West Ham legend's retirement pot. Bloody teachers and nurses chasing gold plated £10,000 a year pensions; Scotty's is £83,000 a week!

And Parker and Nolan apart, we may not have a team. But with Kevin and Scotty, who needs nine other players? So get down to the club now and reserve your ticket whilst you still can. The doomsday clock is ticking!

Pardew Highlights Scott Parker Madness

He wasn't speaking about Scotty - he was explaining why Newcastle let Nolan leave - but in the process, Pardew nailed the stupidity of the contract we offered to Parker. We don't know how much Nolan was asking for per week, but we do know now that he wanted a four or five year contract and Pardew wasn't prepared to grant a contract of that length to a 29 year old midfielder. Why? Pards can explain:

"My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader that we want, I am convinced of that.

"Kevin is so full-on as the captain of a football club and at the level he has gone to now, he will easily cope with that and he will come back to the Premier League.

"But in four or five years' time, Kevin needs to be doing the business in the first team, and we couldn't and I couldn't see that possibly happening here at Newcastle, and we had to make a decision on that."

Just substitute the word Scotty in for Kevin and it is job done isn't it? Why are we struggling to find a taker for the "Player of the Year"? Because no other club wants to commit to the bloody silly money we have promised to pay him until he is well in to his football dotage.

I said it was crazy at the time and so it is proving.

Brighton Bound Mucky-Smith Just Wants to be Loved!

Well either Brighton are going to surprise a lot of people next season or Mucky-Smith has demonstrated his inadequacies and lack of ambition by signing for Brighton and Hove Albion.

I queried all along why, exactly, we were trying to buy a player who, at 27, would surely have had a crack at the big time by now if he was any cop. Of course, the West Ham Can Do No Wrong merchants argued the toss, claiming that Mucky was a special talent to compare with the likes of Gerrard, Drogba and the mighty Billy Jennings!

But they will change their tune now. No ambition. Small club mentality. Found his level.

Apparently he joined Brighton because of the warmth of Poyet. What a ponce! Never mind the opportunity to join the favourites for promotion, all Mucky-Smith wants is cuddles, something he is unlikely to get from Doctor Evil. Brighton are welcome to him!

Barton Better Than Parker!

Well we all knew that Nolan deserved the Player of the Year award ahead of Parker because of his 11 goals and 7 assists - and now our Kev is at Upton Park more of us are willing to admit it - but the news that Bad Boy Barton had a better season than Scotty too may come as more of a surprise.

Never slow to come forward with fists raised, Joey twattered that he is a better player than Mr West Ham Until I Join Spurs Parker. And the guy has a point. He argues, quite rightly, that he helped Newcastle to two victories over the Parker "inspired" West Ham and highlights that we were relegated comfortably with Scotty in the team.

Stats also make very interesting reading. Where Parker managed a paltry three assists all season, Joey played a killer ball no less than 9 times. Where Parker excelled himself with 4 Premiership goals, Joey chipped in with 5.

Over his Premiership career, Joey has set up a goal once in every 8 games, whilst Parker only creates a goal once in every 14.5 games. Parker has scored once in every 13 games, whilst Barton has made the net bulge once in every nine games.

How much is Barton paid a week? Probably less than a third of what we are paying Parker. Who is getting value exactly?

West Ham Bid for Jack Warner and Bin Hammam

With news breaking in the Sunday Times that the club has allegedly been bribing officials and employing members of the Olympic Legacy Committee as "consultants", it can surely only be a matter of time before Jack Warner and Bin Hammam join the Board!

Nobody should be too surprised by the latest revelations, of course. When Del Boy and Boycie own the club, things are always going to be more cushty than kosher!

Mind you, the Board have offered a vigorous defence on the OS - with the only dodgy matter, apparently, relating to employment law. Interestingly there is even something dodgy intimated in this vigorous defence - unless I am reading the statement incorrectly.

I have one question. Why, oh why, would you take the risk of allegations of impropriety? How stupid would you have to be to employ somebody who exposed you to such allegations? Maybe it was all a trap to lure Spurs in; maybe Brady, Sullivan and Gold are that clever. Maybe.

Selfish Parker Looks After Number One!

So the truth is coming out at last. Scotty Parker, Mr West Ham, the Claret & Blue legend, is not only costing West Ham a fortune in wages, he has also turned down a move to Turkey which would have seen the club bank £10million.

And why exactly? Because Parker wants to stay in the England squad and doesn't fancy his chances of doing so if not playing in the Prem. His fans will argue that you can't blame him but bugger that. Tottenham have only bid £3million and Levy doesn't want to pay an average holding midfielder who has failed at Chelsea £70,000 a week plus in wages; quite rightly. Villa are interested but only at £5million. So we are either stuck with the guy or have to sell him at below market price.

It's time the fans woke up and realised who they are supposed to be supporting. It is time to decide which camp you are in guys, are you West Ham fans or Parker acolytes? Because one thing is now crystal clear, the selfish interests of Parker are in direct conflict with the interests of the club.

Ilunga On Next Plane Out

And the Exodus continues. At this rate, apart from Nolan, the only player left on our books with be Scott Parker. Dyer's gone (did he ever arrive?); Faubert's going; Upson's gone; Gabbidon's gone; da Costa's gone; Kovac has departed; Ba has legged it; Hitzlsperger has gone too; Obinna has left as well; Jacobsen has gone; Spector may be going and Faubert is catching the next sleeper service out of London. It's beginning to feel like a case of, "Will the last man to leave the Boleyn Ground please switch off the lights?"!

Now Ilunga is being linked with Rennes. One is tempted to say they are welcome to him but we don't have anybody else to play left back as things stand.

We were promised seven new signings this summer but only two have arrived so far and there have been 12 departures already, not counting Robbie Keane. With the new season only a month away, is anybody else beginning to get a little worried?