Be ready for news of West Ham fans throwing themselves off the Queen Elizabeth the Second Bridge when they miss the "last opportunity to renew" their season tickets today. Imagine the horror of missing out on the deal of the century!
Last season you paid your money to see West Ham lose to Man Ud, Chelsea, Birmingham, Arsenal, Villla...well the list is almost endless! But don't forget that victory over Spurs and that thrilling 0-0 draw at home to Blackpool! This season, you can pay exactly the same price to watch West Ham play Doncaster, Peterborough and Mucky-Smith led Brighton and Hove Albion!
It will be like the night before Wimbledon quarter final day on Green Street today. Anxious Hammers fans pitched their tents 24 hours ago and...oh no sorry, the tents are just the temporary homes of illegal immigrants hoping to find work on the Olympic Stadium by channeling a deal sweetener via Karren Brady's contacts!
Business has been "brisk" according to the Official Site so your chances of being able to get your seat are as slim as Dawn French. Remember, Samaritans already have a special extension dedicated to West Ham fans, simply ring up and give the code westhamtilidie... oops, that just takes you through to the gay counselling service!
Remember, don't delay. This could be your last opportunity to see Scotty play for West Ham. Well, it could be your last chance to see Scotty play well for West Ham. At his age, semi retirement is just around the corner but how wonderful would it be to know that your hard earned cash is funding this West Ham legend's retirement pot. Bloody teachers and nurses chasing gold plated £10,000 a year pensions; Scotty's is £83,000 a week!
And Parker and Nolan apart, we may not have a team. But with Kevin and Scotty, who needs nine other players? So get down to the club now and reserve your ticket whilst you still can. The doomsday clock is ticking!