"Scott speaks!" the OS announces in a headline, sounding like a proud father after his son's first "Dada"! So, after 30 years, Parker has apparently mastered the art of speech! They are planning on tackling reading and writing next. And then, running with the ball with his head UP! And then, just before he retires, when and how to tackle!
And after all this waiting, Scotty did everybody proud with what he had to say! How about, "We are not in the best of positions in the league but if we can pick up some points, it will help us a lot"? Isn't he a clever boy, Auntie Karren, squeals delightedly! "Not only can he speak, he can do some maths too!"
But he didn't stop there! Oh no! He then brought out the fighting talk! "Let's HOPE we can win some games," Scotty continued. Ouch! That's the spirit! That will put the wind up Moyes, Hughes and McCarthy! That will get the blood pumping in the West Ham dressing room! Why isn't this guy the captain? With this sort of confidence and fighting talk we would be unstoppable!
At that point he must have watched a video of himself because he added, "Things CAN turn around quickly." Karren nodded sagely and whispered, "That's our boy. He could have been anything...ANYTHING! He could have gone into ballet!"
And determined to end his speech on a high, Scotty shocked the world with his incredible perception by adding, "There are some important games coming up in London and they are winnable games for us." That's a boy Scotty! Avoid terms like "must win", don't over commit, don't say, "Games we are GOING to win", keep it real, keep it honest, keep it low key, downbeat almost.
Just imagine Scotty in Churchill's shoes on June 4th 1940,
"We hope to go on to the end, we hope to find some fight in France, we will try on the seas and oceans, we will try with what little confidence and strength we can find in the air (but we are a short team), we will try to defend our Island (even with Gabbidon), providing the costs aren't too high, we hope to fight on the beaches (but not in Blackpool!), we will try to fight on the landing grounds, we will try to fight in the fields and in the streets, we will try to fight in the hills; we will only surrender when it seems sensible to do so, and even if, which I do think is distinctly possible, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, hopefully armed and guarded by the British Fleet, might, with a lot of luck and good fortune carry on the struggle. Mind you, we have to take into account it is Hitler and Germany. This war may be winnable but I wouldn't put much money on it personally."
Scott Parker as Churchill? Cue an advert: "He told me he was helping Harry Redknapp with his Christmas decorations yesterday!" Well, given our perilous position, it would be stupid not to have an insurance policy wouldn't it?