Santa's Sack for West Ham's Stars!

It's Christmas Time! Keep the mistletoe away from Avram, his God knows who he will be caught kissing under it! We can't afford another 12 months of Atonement!

For Kieran Dyer, the Hasbro game, Operation.

For Julian Faubert, a stepladder to help him challenge Shaun Wright-Phillips in the air.

For Barrera, a crucifix so he knows what a cross looks like.

For Carlton Cole, a hat rack with three hooks, two for his England caps and one for his flat cap for when he moves North.

For Scotty Parker, nothing. Well, when you are on £80k a week, why do you need Christmas presents?

For Benni McCarthy, a one way ticket to South Africa, Fat Bastard Class.

For Ilunga, a DVD of "The Wizard of Oz" in the hope that he can find some courage, a heart and a brain!

For Upson, a ticket out of here!

For Behrami, a night out with the Lazio Ultras!

For Tomkins, a centre back partner that doesn't ask him to man mark the opposition's strongest forward every game.

For Hitzlespurger, Kieran Dyer's Autobiography, "A Love Affair with the Treatment Table."

For Rob Green, a greased up copy of "England, My England" so he can relive an international career slipping through his fingers.

For Freddie Sears, a free ticket to Avram's favourite massage parlour. With his looks and record, it's the only way he's likely to score this season.

For David Sullivan, a framed picture of last season's table, showing West Ham FOURTH from bottom, signed by Gianfranco Zola.

For Spector, a DVD of THAT Man Utd game! It aint ever going to happen again is it?

For Avram, an attachable foreskin. It's the only way some West Ham fans will accept him!

And for all the West Ham fans out there - the ONLY Claret & Blue stars this year - a DVD of the Great Escape, a great roll of barbed wire and a motorbike. Who knows, the impossible may happen!