Remember those oh so revealing interviews Duxbury gave to Knees Up Mother Brown and West Ham Til I Die? This site was less than enthusiastic about the rigour employed by those asking the questions, if you remember, and queried whether it was all a stitch up job by the dark Puppet Master. Why risk awkward questions from journalists when you can go to back slapping blog sites and offer prawn sandwiches in the hospitality suite in return for safe questions? Why risk being probed when you are guaranteed a "Great answer Scott" to whatever you say. Ashton? "I'm really looking forward to seeing him play again!" The break up of the squad? "The financial position has been stabilised and any sales will be based on footballing decisions made by the manager." Tottenham Hotspurs? "We will not do business with them." The Project? "The project is on course." I am paraphrasing slightly but that was just about the gist of it.
So, why haven't we heard from Scotty recently? Surely it is high time for him to lay himself bare before the blog sites again, answering questions we all now want answered. Scotty is not available at the moment, however, and the club have declined my invitation to Scotty to appear on this blog, answering questions that have not been notified in advance. Not that I am shy of sharing the questions in advance. Let's try these and try to second guess how Scotty might answer them.
1. So Scotty, did you give oral cuddles to Ikea's' lawyer.
I categorically deny having sexual relations with that lawyer. What exactly we did with a Havana cigar will remain a private matter between us.
2. When can we expect to see Dean Ashton playing again?
At some point, definitely, maybe, possibly. The 2012 Olympics may be a possibility. In wheelchair football if not in the main event.
3. How close are we to bankruptcy?
How long is a piece of string? It could be very long. How long is a piece of rope. Apparently long enough to hang ourselves. Our position has not changed. C&B Holdings are committed to our project.
4. How is the project proceeding?
Perfectly, perfectly, everything is on plan.
5. Did Zola plan for us to be in the bottom three?
Of course, of course. These are early days. Gianfranco is keen to explore every possibility. He wanted to see what the Premiership would look like from the bottom three. It is his firm hope that Pompey will get a result against Hull so we can see what the division looks like from the very bottom of the pile. Then there is only way we can go, up. That is a very positive position to be in when you look at it like that and Gianfranco is a very positive individual.
6. What about Zola's tactics?
I leave that to the manager.
7. What about the sale of Collins?
I left that decision to the manager.
8. What about the signing of Diamanti?
Gianfranco is delighted with the decisions made on his behalf by Nani.
9. And the departure of Lucas Neill?
Exactly as we planned.
10. What about the possibility of sales in January?
As I said last season, no players will be leaving in January.
11. But Bellamy left...
As I said last season, no players will be leaving in January.
12. But that was untrue...
As I said last season, no players will be leaving in January and certainly not to Tottenham.
13. What if Tottenham make a bid for Upson?
My position is very clear on this. As I said last season, no players will be leaving in January and certainly not to Tottenham unless an acceptable bid was received.
14. What about Robert Green's contract.
Robert Green is under contract to West Ham United and, as I said last season, no players will be leaving West Ham in January unless an acceptable bid was received for a player who could buy out his contract in the summer.
15. Is there any truth in the take over rumours?
I hope to Christ not, I am on a cosy little number here!
All in jest of course. The project is going swimmingly!
13 comments:
u idiot...seriously...why bother ?
Ive never read one decent article from you and never seen 1 single positive comment.
Who exactly are you writing this shite for ?
Its just negative un-funny drivel.
Surely you could spend your time doing something either worthwhile about WHU or try and be funny about another subject.
I knwo what you're answer's gonna be too "dont read them" etc and I havent for months but did this time and its pitiful.
Given that you’ve already shown your hand I reckon The Prince of Darkness might rebut your questions:
1) Did you give Oral Cuddles to Ikea's' lawyer?
Yes, we gave her to Ikea. No money exchanged hands. This was not pimping, you understand. No, Miss Cuddles was a free agent and went entirely of her own accord.
2) When can we expect to see Dean Ashton playing again?
Dean who? It’ll never happen. Move on.
3) How close are we to bankruptcy?
Silly question, we’re already bankrupt.
4) How is the project proceeding?
Like clockwork. A number of youngsters have come up through the ranks and made their way into the first team. We should soon be able to sell them on at a great profit.
5) Did Zola plan for us to be in the bottom three?
Of course he didn’t, I did. By withholding funds and transferring key players I have ensured that we start at the bottom. From here the only way is up, well, apart from relegation.
6) What about Zola's tactics?
The manager’s tactics are determined by the players at my disposal, sorry that should read – his disposal (Disposals will follow later, see answer to question 4).
7) What about the sale of Collins?
Necessary to ensure our current position.
8) What about the signing of Diamanti?
Diamanti is proving to be a valuable addition to the squad and has fitted in perfectly with his team mates, i.e. he can’t score either.
9) And the departure of Lucas Neill?
Lucas Neill has proved to be a money grabbing little shyster. Someone we can all feel proud of and I’m delighted that we had the opportunity to work together albeit all too briefly in my opinion.
10) What about the possibility of sales in January?
Of course there will be sales in January. Every store has them, Argos, Debenhams, Marks & Sparks, Tesco. Why should we be any different. 20% off, bargains for all.
Fanno, for your own safety, consult Dennis Wheatley’s The Devil Rides Out before attempting to question Mr Duxbury. I think you need to be standing within a pentagram and various other rituals to prevent Beelzebub from obliterating you for all time.
By the way don’t mention 4,4,2 or 4,3,3 or whatever. He only ever talks about 6,6,6.
Good luck.
Brilliant 2038!
I've never liked this snake. Through every low our club has been through, he's always come out smelling of roses at the end whilst everyone else is either sacked or moved on. Very suspicious.
Doesn't he look like the joker in that pic?
yet another misleading title to sucker people into thinking you've actually got some news or something worth reading. BUT as usual you're about as funny as cancer and about as representative of a real west ham fan as those morons who ran onto the pitch at millwall having not been allowed to a game in years by the hospital. why not find another club to belittle where you don't have to go to their games to actually have a valid and uninformed opinion and be welcomed by other morons? do us all a favour and leave this sort of thing to people who actually have some idea about what they're talking about, just like the 2 sites you mentioned, you know, the 2 that were actually given interviews and have some quality about them. what a pity you dad didn't spank the monkey instead.
For once, I actually thought this was quite funny!
Your first go on the front page is more boring drivel, where do you get off with this tedious obsession? Your second attempt at 2038 is even worse & then you go on to congratulate yourself, strange person. I fall for the newsnow link every time errrgh someone should get up a petition to have you barred
not quite mastered humour yet, but on the plus side the spelling was good. keep trying lil fella.
'This site was less than enthusiastic'
lool paraphrased is:
'I'm a smart arse, i'm right you were wrong'
You remind me of News of the World, when they get a story right they make sure everybody knows about it, but when they're wrong, boy are they red-faced.
So you are saying my effort was better than 2038's? An involuntary back handed compliment!!!! It isn't meant to be funny as such, it is meant to highlight how Duxbury has lost his tongue all of a sudden whilst showing just how much crap he spewed before!
UFO's (UnFunny Orgsters) sighted at 20:13, 05:30 and 10:41
Sorry, humour was banned by The Council of Elders on the Org. Don't look in here guys you, this is not the place for you.
BTW 10:41 I have to hold my hand up and confess that the even worse attempt at 20:38 was my effort. Don't blame Fanno for that one.
Another day, another shit article.
Keep clinging to the idea you are funny... and maybe go to a game once in a while.
0941, another day, another pointless and witless comment. Write and submit an article man!
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