West Ham's Flying Circus Tactics Team Talk

(Scene: Upton Park dressing room before kick off)

Mark Noble: Afternoon Boss.

Zola: Tally-ho, Nobes.

Mark Noble: How we setting up?

Zola: Bally Stoke next. Last match, pranged his kite right in the how's-your-father;
hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy,
flipped over on his Betty Harpers and caught his can in the Bertie. So four
three three.

Noble: Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Boss.

Zola: It's perfectly ordinary tactics, Nobes. Bally Stoke, pranged his kite
right in the how's-your-father; hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered
back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers and
caught his can in the Bertie. So four three three.

Noble: No, I'm just not understanding tactics at all well today. Give us it
slower.

Zola: Tactics are not the same if you say it slower, Nobes.

Noble: Hold on then -- Parkie! -- just bend an ear to the Boss's tactics for a
sec, would you?

Parker: Can do.

Noble: Jolly good. Fire away.

Zola: Bally Stoke... (he goes through it all again)

Parker: No, I don't understand those tactics at all.

Zola: Something up with my tactics, chaps?

GRAMS: AIR RAID SIRENS
(Enter Clarke, out of breath)

Clarke: Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, boss! Grab your egg-and-fours and
let's get the bacon delivered!

Parker (to Zola): Do you understand that?

Zola: No -- I didn't get a word of it.

Parker: Sorry, old man, we don't understand your tactics.

Clarke: You know -- bally tenpenny ones dropping in the custard!
(no reaction)

Clarke: Um -- Charlie choppers chucking a handful!

Noble: No no -- sorry.

Zola: Say it slower, old chap.

Clarke: Slower tactics, sir?

Zola: Ra-ther.

Clarke: Um -- sausage squad up the bell end?

Noble: No, still don't get it. Bell end left last January.

Clarke: Um -- cabbage crates coming over the briny?

The others: No, no.

(Film of Stoke's high balls pumped into the West Ham penalty box)

Duxbury (voice-over): But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit West Ham in the third minute. That was just the beginning.

(Duxbury seen sitting at desk, on telephone)

Duxbury: Five million for Green? That's all he is worth now, is it? And what
about Carlton?...Good Lord, nothing more.