West Ham As Sick As A Parrot!

David Sullivan enters Upton Park.

Sullivan: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Duxbury does not respond.)

Sullivan: 'Ello, Miss?

Duxbury: What do you mean "miss"? Has Carlton had a shot again?

Sullivan: I'm sorry, I have a Gold. I wish to make a complaint!

Duxbury: We're closin' for lunch.

Sullivan: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this club what I was thinking of purchasing not half an hour ago from this very stadium.

Duxbury: Oh yes, the, uh, the Icelandic Claret & Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Sullivan: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Duxbury: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting.

Sullivan: Look, matey, I know a dead club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Duxbury: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable club, the Icelandic Claret & Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful kit!

Sullivan: The kit don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Duxbury: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Sullivan: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up!

(shouting at the changing rooms)

'Ello, Mister West 'Am United! I've got a lovely new centre forward for you if you show...(Duxbury kicks the sleeping Ashton)

Duxbury: There, he moved!

Sullivan: No, he didn't, that was you kicking the malingerer!

Duxbury:I never!!

Sullivan: Yes, you did!

Duxbury: I never, never did anything...

Sullivan: (yelling and hitting Ashton repeatedly) 'ELLO BEANO!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes Ashton out of the dressing room and thumps his head on the counter. Throws him up in the air and watches him plummet to the floor.)

Sullivan: Now that's what I call a dead centre forward.

Duxbury: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Sullivan: STUNNED?!?

Duxbury: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Icelandic Claret and Blues stun easily, major.

Sullivan: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That player and this club is definitely deceased, and when I was thinking of purchasing it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged preseason.

Duxbury: Well, its...its, ah...probably pining for the glaciers.

Sullivan: PININ' for the glaciers?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did the club fall flat its back the moment the season started?

Duxbury: The Icelandic Claret & Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely kit!

Sullivan: Look, I took the liberty of examining the books when I got home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in tenth place in the first place was because it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Duxbury: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed the club down, it would have nuzzled up to the top four, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Champions League!

Sullivan: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Duxbury: No no! It's pining!

Sullivan: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This club is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch of tenth place it would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-CLUB!!!

Always look on the bright side of life!