West Ham Take Over Before Christmas - The Full Story!

Once upon a time, from high in a city of glass towers, a prince looked East and saw a dark land lowering beneath mighty storm clouds. "Mater", the Prince asked of his mother, the Queen, "What is that sad place over yonder to the East, the place where the sun never seems to shine and where there is always thunder, lightning and rain?"

His mother ordered her maid to set aside her embroidery and shook her head sadly. "My son," she began, "that is the place of your birth, a land strangely cursed from which your father led us many moons ago. It is a troubled place, cursed because the old sage Curbishley refused to buy a sprig of heather from a wicked witch."
"Do all the land's troubles spring from that?" the inquisitive Prince asked amazed.
"That and the arrival of the wicked troll IKEA with his henchmen Tevez and Mascherano," the Queen advised. "He brought with him disharmony and punitive taxes which the people have to pay for ever and a day."
"And is that the only cause of so much distress?" the Prince asked. "For every Saturday I hear the most dreadful wailing coming from that poor, poor land."
"Then there was the Eggert," his mother said with a voice betraying fear.
"The Eggert?" the Prince asked, "What is the Eggert mater?"
"The ugliest creature ever to walk the face of this earth, the spawn of Gollum and Dowie. The Eggert came and plundered all the land's money, building an army of mercenaries who could not fight."
"Why did he do that mater?" the Prince wondered out loud.
"He wanted the people to love him. All his life he had wanted to be loved but he was so very very ugly."
"As ugly as Frankenstein's monster?" the Prince asked.
"Uglier and, some say, more dangerous," the Queen answered.
"And is that the only cause of so much distress?" the Prince asked.
"Well, there was also the child snatcher Brown," the Queen said with a shudder.
"The child snatcher Brown!" the Prince echoed with a voice impregnated with awe. "What did he do mater?"
"He gathered together all the children of talent and gave them away!" the Queen said.
"Gave them away!" the Prince gasped. "But why, mater, why?"
"It defied all logic my dear. Many people have asked but nobody has yet explained the riddle."
"And is that the only cause of distress?" the Prince persisted.
"Well", his mother said, "There was the Roeder."
"The Roeder?" the Prince asked. "Tell me about the Roeder mater!"
"The Roeder was a Deputy Head Teacher who was allowed to run the kingdom. He was out of his depth and brought great trials and tribulations upon the land, wasting all of their natural resources. Some say the child snatcher Brown appointed him delibately to excuse him stealing more of the children."
"But is that the only cause of the land's distress?" the Prince demanded.
"We should not forget the Pardew," the Queen said. "There are dark rumours about him and what he did to the fair maidens of that quarter."
"You mean..."
But the Queen interrupted her son. "People of good breeding do not mention such things," she reminded her son. "He was a man who had favourites, in EVERY sense of that term."
"Then is that the sole cause of all that land's troubles?" the Prince demanded.
"Sadly no," the Queen said with a shake of her head. "There is BG and his Bank of Melting Ice, the Porcelein Ashton, the Dodgy Dyer, the less than mighty Quashie, the Ljungberg of no return, the...."
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" the Prince pleaded. "How can any land cope with so many woes mater? How can life be so unfair? And it is the place of my birth you say?"
"It is," the Queen answered.
"Then I shall rescue it!" the Prince announced! "I will gather together a certain number of my trusted friends and we will pool the contents of our piggy banks. I will use this year's bonus mater, for my investments have done rather well since the terrible crash mater and Daddy has promised me ANYTHING I want for Christmas! So I shall have that land to the East! And I will make the people happy again mater! They will have whatever they need, whatever they want, the sun will rise in the East again mater, for I will make it happen!"

The Queen ordered the maid to take up her embroidery again and smiled at the Happy Prince. And according to the report in The News of the World today, everybody in that land to the East will live happily ever after!