Government Happiness Index Reveals Deep Depression in Dagenham

Government ministers are puzzled by early returns to its General Welfare Index, the measure of people's happiness. Alarming returns suggest that Dagenham, Basildon, Redbridge, Ilford and Barking are caught in a general trough of unhappiness, although, strangely, utter misery seems to be largely confined to white van driving, overweight, balding, tattoo bearing, working class, white males with Staffordshire bull terriers as pets.

A government spokesman said: "We are puzzled and troubled by these results. The index suggests that this group of people are trapped in a terrible depression that has lasted for the best part of 40 years, although it has deepened considerably over the last 12 months. The index suggests that,contrary to the general picture for the British population, misery intensifies at the weekend, reaching its nadir at approximately five o'clock in the afternoon most Saturdays."

"There are various theories to explain this. We are looking at improving the ambiance inside the cabs of white vans and investigating whether tattoos cause a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It may be the result of hair loss so we are considering making hair transplants available on the National Health Service once the national debt has been reduced."

"There are already plans to reduce obesity, although we are concerned that the loss of comfort eating may negatively impact on a socio-economic group who traditionally eat all the pies. Maybe the dogs are to blame? Who knows?"

One thing is for sure, if any civil servant bearing a clip board challengers a white male with tats in Green Street on a Saturday afternoon at 5.15 pm with the question, "How happy are you feeling today?", he had better have a place booked in A&E! Oh sorry, the A&E department will have closed to fund the civil servants conducting the bleedin' survey!