The Daily Express has exclusively revealed that Princess Diana is behind a bid to buy her beloved West Ham United. After dying in a tragic car crash in Paris, orchestrated by Prince Phillip and Prince Charles because they support Tottenham Hotspurs, the Princess has been plotting in Heaven to secure the long term future of the club she supported from childhood.
Royal butler Paul Burrell told the Express reporter: "Diana was a passionate West Ham fan and had pictures of the Hammers greats like Mr Bobby Moore, Mr Billy Bonds, Mr Ian Bishop and Mrs Trevor Morley on her bedroom wall. She was attracted to the club because it typified the poor working classes, chirpy Cockneys who had escaped chimney cleaning to play on their field of dreams. I know that when alive, Diana harboured hopes of becoming the club's Mary Poppins but, unfortunately, Charles and Phillip frustrated her intentions of buying the club because of their Tottenham Hotspurs affiliations."
He continued: "I know that she was very uneasy when the club was bought out by the Icelandic bankers. The night the news broke, Diana spoke to me in my dreams and I saw the polar ice caps melting and the Thames Barrier breached."
Asked how Diana could help the hapless Hammers now she is dead, Burrell replied: "Diana moves in mysterious ways. I know she has the ear of God and is making personal representations on behalf of the club. It is my hope that after reading this, CEO Mr Scott Duxbury will build a shrine to Diana at Upton Park and encourage fans to pray at every game. In fact, given the rumours that Straumer still want £120m for the club and are planning to sell Mr Carlton Cole and Mr Matthew Upson to service the massive debts, this may be the only hope."
Burrell also offered to help himself. "Diana left me her West Ham scarf and I believe it has magic qualities. I wore it for the first time when West Ham won against Aston Villa. As dear as this scarf is to me, because of the memories I have of seeing Diana wearing it as she settled down in front of the television to watch West Ham games on Sky, I would be prepared to part with it, should a suitable offer be made from the club or from a West Ham fan."
The news will shock Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed, who assumed that Diana had been murdered because of the sympathy she showed for cottagers and the fear within the British establishment that the son she was carrying at the time of her death, would be raised as a Muslim Fundamentalist Fulham fan.
It appears that all may not be lost for West Ham after all. The Express story of Gold buying the club may have no legs but with Diana onside, how can West Ham fail?
West Ham CEO Scott Duxbury was unavailable for comment.
4 comments:
Is that article supposed to be funny?
Is the Daily Express supposed to be funny?
Is the David Gold article supposed to be serious?
Is irony supposed to be funny? No. It is supposed to make a point, which is often disguised slightly so that dimwits don't quite understand the purpose.
Of course strictly speaking that isn't irony it is just poor writing in bad taste - then again anyone who wasn't a dimwit would know what irony meant and not just try to put someone else down because they think they have a modicum of intelligence.
What isn't irony? What is in bad taste? Do you think it is in bad taste to imply that a rotten corpse, eaten away by bacteria and reduced by now to just hair and bones, is happy in Heaven? Sorry, I didn't mean to be in bad taste!
But then the article is expressing disapproval at the way the Express will not allow Diana to rest in peace; that clearly went over your head too!
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