West Ham To Sign Leviathan

Enter Zola, Clarke, Duxbury and Nani dressed as nuns. Cue music!

"How do you solve a problem like Quashie?
How do you catch a clown and sell him on?
How do you find a word that means Quashie?
A useless git! A slow, unskilled twit! A clown!"

True, all too true, but the treatment being meeted out to poor Nigel is very unfair. Apparently the club have refused to buy out his £20k a week contract and yet the poor sod has been told to stay away from training. Why? Does the guy have the plague or something? I know he is useless but allowing him to train with the squad doesn't mean you have to pick him does it? What is happening seems unnecessarily spiteful to me.

Until, of course, you realise how many times Quashie has been relegated. Has Zola, no doubt a good Catholic boy, identified Quashie as Jonah, fleeing the vengeance of God and plunging the whole ship he is aboard into a terrible tempest? The poor guy, like Jonah, has asked his ship mates to throw him overboard but they have refused!

If I was Quashie, I would get very worried if Zola suddenly proposes a break in Florida, taking in a trip to Sea World. We already have a couple of whale connections at the club with Jimenez Cricket on the books and Davenport's bid to become Captain Ahab!

Why have we signed a Leviathan? Well, cue the nuns again, this time with habits slashed and safety pins in their cheeks. In the words of XTC:

"We're only making plans for Nigel
We only want what's best for him
We're only making plans for Nigel
Nigel just needs this helping hand
And if young Nigel says he's happy
He must be happy
He must be happy in his work
We're only making plans for Nigel
He has his future in a big white whale
We're only making plans for Nigel
Nigel's whole future is as good as sealed
And if young Nigel says he's happy
He must be happy
He must be happy in his work
Nigel is not outspoken
But he likes to speak
And loves to be spoken to
Nigel is happy in his work
We're only making plans for Nigel."

PS Check out the video on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0C6bVckO_CM

I am bloody certain that is Duxbury in the striped shirt!