Avram Grant Confesses

So, as our players hunker down in the trenches and prepare mentally for going over the top against Stoke City, their commanding officer is elsewhere, confessing to his sins and seeking forgiveness. What, I wonder, is top of his crime sheet?

Is it perhaps his trip to that Pompey massage parlour? I say "trip" but God and Avram alone know how many times he has sought sexual gratification from Thai sex slaves. But, as big a blot as that may be on his holy record, we know of greater sins.

For it was Avram, after all, who started Kovac away to Villa. How do you antone for a crime against logic and reason of that magnitude? God will be shaking his head in mystification and bewilderment.

But Avram has greater sins still. For it was Avram, was it not, who preferred Tomkins over both Gabbidon and Da Costa in that very same game and who played Reid out of position as a right back. God will be shaking his head in mystification and bewilderment.

But Avram has a greater sin still. For it was Avram, following in the footsteps of the Messiah Zola, who CHOSE to play Spector against the might of Manchester United at Old Trafford. God will be shaking his head in mystification and bewilderment.

God determines Avram's fate for the coming year today. Looking at his crime sheet, there appear only two options: relegation or dismissal before the end of October.