West Ham 1 Chelsea 3 - Groundhog Day!

Once I met a girl. We had piña coladas in a bar overlooking the beach until the sun went down and then made love in the surf. Why couldn't I have THAT day over and over and over?

Instead I was born a West Ham fan, born to a life of dreams dead at conception! Season after season, manager after manager, game after game, the same old story, repeating itself over and over and over and over. No sex on the beach with a woman in fishnets, just a complete c*** picking the ball out of our net after yet another dreadful, dreadful, dreadful error. In fact, this one was worse than his mistake against Villa. It was worse even than his mistake against Bolton last season. It was even worse than his mistake at home to Bolton two seasons ago. In fact, it even surpassed his cock up against the USA. This Green howler was epically comic - and Upson joined in to ensure that it will feature for ever in those 100 Hilarious Moments videos that pad out Christmas stockings!

The first goal was almost as bad. Essien jumped, unchallenged, with his marker apparently chained to the ground (Illunga? Boa? Obinna? I'm not sure) and his header was catch able height and well inside the post. Green and Cole dived like two Pakistani slip fielders who have taken a bung to lose the game, and the ball ended up in the net. Pathetic. And this was before the game was two minutes old! Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Was Jacobsen playing in the first half? Chelsea were coming down our right flank time and time and time again. What is Boa offering to the team? Nothing from what I can see. What about Behrami? Usual - running around, falling over, tripping opponents. Parker? Loads of sideways passes and overhit forward passes and the usual booking for diving in needlessly just past the half way line. Upson? Useless. At fault for the second goal and did his best to hand another on the plate with an incredibly unfocused pass.

Up front, Cole had one disallowed in the first half and played a beautiful pass in for Obinna who missed the target completely with only Cech to beat! Obinna looks like another Piquionne and Cole. Good in the approach play but can't hit a barn door from 5 yards. One shot went out for a throw in!

So to the second half. And, of course, for the Groundhog Day theme to continue, we had to score a great goal when the game was already lost, we had to stay on target for 114, three goals conceded in every game this season, and a goal had to result from a cross from our left, with Ilunga failing to close and our centre backs and keeper being beaten to a cross into our six yard box...well the script was written!

Watch that third Chelsea goal. Watch how Parker touches hands with Essien just before the ball is played out to our left and then completely loses the Chelsea man. Watch Ilunga amble out to the left, allowing oodles of time to look up, measure and deliver the cross. Watch Green think about coming for a ball into his six yard box but then decide against it. He steps forward, stops and steps back. Watch Ben Haim's pathetic attempt to get airborne, with Essien half a body's height above him! Watch the faces after the goal has gone in. See the complete resignation, the pathetic acceptance of the utter inevitability of complete incompetence. Why wasn't somebody bawling out Ilunga? Why wasn't somebody demanding why Parker lost Essien? Why wasn't Upson in Ben Haim's face? Why wasn't Upson demanding why Green didn't come for the punch? You could almost see the collective shrug. You could almost hear the "Oh well, it's only three, it could have been worse". You could almost feel the sense of apathy.

And if that goal hadn't been shipped and Parker had still scored his a minute or so later, it might just have been game on! Great goal from Parker true, but overall, he didn't look like a player worth £70k a week to me. Watch that attempted pass inside the full back to Dyer in the second half. Dyer is quick but Usain Bolt wouldn't have reached it. Watch his attempts at dinked passes - too straight and time and time again weighted incorrectly. Apart from that goal, what did Parker do?

Mind you, this being Groundhog Day, we still needed another moment of hilarious incompetence so step forward Piquionne. Surely that is the miss of the season. He was a FOOT out, there was nobody protecting the goal, the net was gaping wide, how could he miss? He hit the bloody bar. If you haven't seen it yet, watch Match of the Day and gasp.

So we are still on course for Target 114. We are still pointless. A striker still hasn't scored for us yet this season. Green again cost us the game. Upson again played his part in conceding. Ilunga again failed to close a cross, leading to a goal. Once again we conceded from a corner. The manager again picked the wrong starting eleven. Boa was withdrawn again and again looked useless. Welcome to Groundhog Day. What price Spector is selected next game?

Player ratings: Green 1; Jacobsen 5, Ben Haim 5, Upson 5, Ilunga 4; Behrami 5, Noble 5, Parker 6 (He scored!) Boa 3; Cole 6 Obinna 6 Subs: Dyer 6, Piquionne 1