Have you received your call yet?
"Hi, is that Mr Hammersfan? Hi there, it's Chrissy here, 36-23-34, favourite position reverse cowboy, I'm ringing from the West Ham ticket office to ask if you realise that you have forgotten to renew your season ticket for the coming season?"
"As you know, the club is offering a fantastic deal, holding prices at 2010-11 levels, giving you the amazing opportunity to watch N-Power Championship football at the same price as you paid for Premiership football last season. The good news is, of course, that we may win more than five home games in the coming season."
"We have, of course, been inundated with season ticket renewal applications, so have decided to extend the window for renewing tickets and, whilst processing the mountain of applications, we are calling to give all those who have not yet applied the opportunity to do so."
"If not interested in renewing your season ticket, you may be interested in our wonderful Energy Switch service. Let us find the best gas and electricity deal for you and support your club by giving us a cut of the commission."
"If that does not appeal, perhaps you would like to place an order for our new replica shirts, available at a very special price, plus £25 postage and packing."
"Alternatively, we could have a different kind of conversation if you call me on the Premium Rate "I'm Chrissy and I'll Blow Your Bubbles" chatline service. Simply call 0895 6969696969. You know the owners think you are wankers so why not enjoy yourself and support the club by knocking one off for the boys in Claret & Blue?"
"We are West Ham United, we are the footballing whores of the N Power Championship!"