Ah, Doctor Evil has suddenly come over all mushy. Never mind recent results - Uncle Sammy focuses on the four goals scored at Forest and Watford anyway - what matters is that the players have bonded socially and enjoy each other's company apparently!
True the team hasn't gelled, but no matter, the buzz word for this week is bonding. It's all beginning to sound like an Arts and Crafts National Childbirth Trust get together isn't it?
Sam the New Man reveals: "The players have built a very good dressing room very quickly, down to firstly the captain and then the rest of the players joining in and building a unity between them that's a good bond, so that they can communicate with each other on a day to day basis and enjoy their own company." How sweet!
It's so good to know that Captain Kev is focusing on bedding in the new arrivals rather than on his own performances on the pitch. Not scoring Kev? Never mind, have a chat with Henri about the problems he is having with his girlfriend will you? And explain to him how the girlies can be a bit tetchy at times. And I'm sure Matty would like a nice cup of Earl Grey and some advice on home furnishings. And do share your recipe for Thai Green Curry with David. The boy is really struggling in the cooking department. Once that is sorted out, we might start looking at his finishing and crossing.
How they must be chattering in the dressing room! Can you believe the price of a loaf of bread? And butter! I remember when you could buy a pat for under a pound, now it is, what, £1.40! And did you see Scotty's haircut on Match of the Day? That is SOOOOOO last year!
Now then boys, in a circle, lotus positions, Ummmmm, Ummmmmm, Ummmmmmm. Feel those pelvic floors and deep breaths!