Gold and Sullivan To The Rescue!

This is turning into an episode of Eastenders! Poor little Hammerette is gagged and tied up in Phil Mitchell's lock-up with Icelandic Archie threatening to smother her to death. At the last moment, dodgy market traders Gold and Sullivan look up from their porn magazines and think, "'ang on, we could turn a nice little buck 'ere if we can do a deal to buy the lock up and everything in it." But will Phil sell and, more to the point, will his loan shark creditors let him?

If a deal isn't done "quick like", there's every chance the whole business will go tits up. The trouble is Gold and Sullivan don't want to part with any hard cash as such, not until they've had a good feel of the goods anyway. Well, coming from their world, it comes as second nature to have a good grope first to establish if the model is suitably compliant. Archie's intent on putting West Ham out of her misery it seems, but Phil has grabbed the keys to the lock-up and has agreed to let Gold and Sullivan have a good gander of the premises ahead of a possible deal. But the polythene bag is already over Hammerette's face and she is turning claret and blue as the key grates in the lock. Phil pushes at the door, twists the key this way and that, but with no joy. "I don't get it", he mutters, "the key won't turn in the lock". Inside Icelandic Archie smiles as Hammerette's chest heaves and her eyes open wide...

Cue the music, roll the credits...