Doctor Evil is hot on the trail of Higgs Boson after reading about his stunning exploits in Geneva in Switzerland. "This boy seems to have it all," Allardyce enthused. "He is lightening quick, incredibly elusive - so impossible to mark, and offers the sort of qualities that are essential to any team. He could be a building block for everything we are striving to achieve at West Ham United".
Allardyce continued: "Even more impressive is this boy's durability. He is strong. Bloody strong. And can withstand the most crunching of tackles, even from a Swiss animal called Hadron, a cross between Billy Bonds, Neil Ruddock, Ron Chopper Harris, Norman Hunter and Kevin Davies. When you're hit by that guy, you know you've been hit!"
He joked: "Keiron Dyer would explode into a billion pieces! But not Higgs Boson!"
A double deal seems in the offing. "I like the sound of this Hadron guy too," Allardyce explained. "He is my type of player. Hard and uncomplicated. Early in his career he had a tendency to break down but that seems to be behind him now. If I could team him up with Higgs Boson, the result could be really explosive!"
But Higgs Boson is the number one priortity. "He could be the answer to everything!" Allardyce bubbled. "Higgs Boson would represent a quantum leap forward for a club like West Ham."